2019 Relationship And Dating Thread

Checking in on ya'll. Everyone good? I hope so.

We're doing well. My guy is in the middle of 8 weeks of radiation for cancer and doing well. Nothing like a catastrophic illness to help bring people closer together. Pandemic aside, it's been a crazy 6 months.

I'm preparing for his 60th birthday celebration next month. We were supposed to spend 10 days in Italy to celebrate, but instead, it will be a surprise Steelers tailgate party with our sons and his brother. He said his only wish was to be with me, but I like to host parties. lol
 
Today was SO's birthday and normally birthdays are big events for him but with the pandemic, no go. We're still in couple's therapy. It's going well. We're having all the important discussions. Seeing each other in person during SIP is a challenge because our families handle COVID differently. My family is stricter about social distancing than his. So we're very restricted in what we do in person together. It's frustrating at times, especially because we're both Quality Time/Physical Touch people. But we're thinking of getting an apartment together in the new year, once we finalize our engagement and/or set a date.

His mom has decided she wants a relationship with me now. :rolleyes: Our therapist is clear that SO is to stay out of it and not play the mediator.
 
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OneShinyface said:
Checking in on ya'll. Everyone good? I hope so.

We're doing well. My guy is in the middle of 8 weeks of radiation for cancer and doing well. Nothing like a catastrophic illness to help bring people closer together. Pandemic aside, it's been a crazy 6 months.

I'm preparing for his 60th birthday celebration next month. We were supposed to spend 10 days in Italy to celebrate, but instead, it will be a surprise Steelers tailgate party with our sons and his brother. He said his only wish was to be with me, but I like to host parties. lol
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Oh my goodness I’m just seeing this update. Sorry about the cancer. My sister’s husband had to undergo radiation for a similar length of time and now is doing very well. It took a while for him to get his energy back though (months). And best of luck with the birthday party. Still loving your updates.
 
hopeful said:
Oh my goodness I’m just seeing this update. Sorry about the cancer. My sister’s husband had to undergo radiation for a similar length of time and now is doing very well. It took a while for him to get his energy back though (months). And best of luck with the birthday party. Still loving your updates.
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Thanks @hopeful. It was a scary surprise in the midst of COVID-19. He had surgery at the end of April - not a time when you wanted to be in a health care facility - and he had to be there alone. But he pulled through. We thought all was well then it came back in a month's time. Looks like his treatments are working. The birthday party was a success even though the Steelers game got postponed. He loved everything and said it was the best party ever. Here's a pic of his cake.


Byron Cake-Small.jpg
 
Just had our couple's therapy session this week. We decided to have our therapist mediate a session between SO's mom and myself. SO's afraid she won't agree. We also discussed our path forward once we get this sorted, including having wedding in 2021, with COVID19 going on. I'm feeling more confident about our future. I'm excited and happy. :meme:
 
Hi everyone!

I haven't posted on the forum in months but I've truly missed you guys. I'll have to go through and read up on everyone's updates. On another note SO and I finally got married August 15th at the courthouse!! Due to COVID we had a small reception afterwards with about 20 of our family members and everything turned out beautiful.
 
ClassyJSP said:
Hi everyone!

I haven't posted on the forum in months but I've truly missed you guys. I'll have to go through and read up on everyone's updates. On another note SO and I finally got married August 15th at the courthouse!! Due to COVID we had a small reception afterwards with about 20 of our family members and everything turned out beautiful.
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Congratulations @ClassyJSP!! :dance7:
 
ClassyJSP said:
Hi everyone!

I haven't posted on the forum in months but I've truly missed you guys. I'll have to go through and read up on everyone's updates. On another note SO and I finally got married August 15th at the courthouse!! Due to COVID we had a small reception afterwards with about 20 of our family members and everything turned out beautiful.
Click to expand...
How did I not see this ?!
Congratulations Classy, that is Wonderful!!
 
Hey all. I am particular about what I put out on the internet, but I feel compelled to share an update because I do enjoy connecting in this thread...and this may encourage someone else. Back in August my fiance (John) and I ended the relationship. Yep. Wedding cancelled (was scheduled for Feb 2020). I am now in a place where I can share about it without feeling all of the hurt.

He has anger issues. During our very last argument something in me clicked and I'm not sure how, but I felt a sense of peace and clarity. That day...after he told me to get out of his house (yep, he said that) I went to brunch and ke ke'd with my homegirl. It was eerie.

After some thought, I realized I had been feeling apprehensive about him for some time and the way he was during our last argument confirmed things for me on a subconcious level...because the day before everything did seem legitimately fine. But I just knew somehow that the answer was to end things.

So John called to apologize and I let him know that it was over. Of course he tried to talk me back into the rlshp, but it felt right on every level to just end things, even as abruptly as it all seemed. It's hard to describe but iunno. It just didin't take much thought. Although, I will say I was surprised at how I handled things and I attribute it to being sure of and clear of my boundaries. Emotional abuse is a total deal breaker for me despite the infrequency of his blow ups. No. Full stop. It is not tolerated here.

I got into therapy shortly thereafter and I've found it helpful thus far. I am even more grateful for my job since it keeps me busy. It wasn't easy to stay engaged at first, but working from home has been a boon.

So here we are now. I have been dating for the last month. So far it has been ok. I am ready for something serious. Again, I feel very clear on who I am and what I want, but dating has been a great reminder of these things. Things have been amicable btwn John and I, even right after our "separation". This has been helpful because I can't stand drama and I would've just cut him off completely if he came around with the rah rah rah. I already told him months ago that I wil be seeing others, but the topic has not come up recently. He'll probably figure it out, but hey, it's whatever.

He has some stuff here so I'm anticipating that he will pick it up this week. We've been in touch, but I have not seen him since the day of our last disareement, so this may be interesting. I'd rather post in the single ladies thread about the fun I've been having, but I'll keep y'all posted here whenever I'm in the headspace to share about John.

Aight y'all <3
 
C@ssandr@ said:
....
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I am SO proud of you for standing up for yourself and your boundaries

You just don't know the headache you saved yourself- my bestie called me last night and we talked for over an hour, mostly about how she has finally thrown in the towel on her marriage. Her husband was immature and an emotional blackmailer not to mention he had issues with depression.
Your situation sounds much more subtle than that, but bad marriages, suck.

I know of at least one more friend who got pregnant and married a guy who has a history of cheating,talking crazy,etc - she has even taken a "vacay" away from him during her pregnancy to "regroup" and came back. There are just too many women who don't have the confidence and self-love to see red flags and act on them before they're trapped.

Yay for freedom and happiness!
 
kimpaur said:
I am SO proud of you for standing up for yourself and your boundaries

You just don't know the headache you saved yourself- my bestie called me last night and we talked for over an hour, mostly about how she has finally thrown in the towel on her marriage. Her husband was immature and an emotional blackmailer not to mention he had issues with depression.
Your situation sounds much more subtle than that, but bad marriages, suck.

I know of at least one more friend who got pregnant and married a guy who has a history of cheating,talking crazy,etc - she has even taken a "vacay" away from him during her pregnancy to "regroup" and came back. There are just too many women who don't have the confidence and self-love to see red flags and act on them before they're trapped.

Yay for freedom and happiness!
Click to expand...

Thank you.

Ever since I learned about cultivating my own happiness, things have been easier in the relationship realm from me. One of the guys I was talking to said to me recently that I 'seem to be operating from a place of power and balance'. I am definitely happy to hear this because quite frankly I do like men, I don't n e e d one per se, but I damned sure want one lol. and everytime I operated out of desperation it didn't serve me as well...aka the guy would be a bad idea.

When John came along I was already happy, and he added to that happiness. So the moment the relationship started to tax my/our happiness (with no improvement in sight), I knew that we could not continue on. If that makes sense. It's an idea that I try to impart to other women when I can since it improved my quality of life.
 
With surging COVID numbers, SO and I decided to stay apart for Thanksgiving and after. He social distances but the people he lives with don't always. My family has been meticulous about keeping distance so I didn't think it was right to risk exposing them or myself. I'm not sure when we'll see each other in person again. :cry4: I'm hoping before Christmas, and then another break until a couple weeks past New Years. He's looking at getting an apartment though. If it wasn't so expensive he'd have one already, or would've moved into his house.
 
@Ayesha81 this sounds like the same exact scenario as last time except it’s tires this time.So it seems like you want to leave but aren’t quite ready and that is okay. I repeat,that is okay. We’ve all been there.

I think it’s time you stop focusing on his behavior so much and start accepting the reality of your relationship. You are dating a user. Accepting that is the first step to you actually being able to leave .

Reflect a bit. Ask yourself what needs is he meeting that are keeping me in this relationship? Which ones are he not meeting? When you feel hurt/disappointed by him,allow yourself to feel that. Ask yourself ,what is he denying me in this moment that I need?Don’t try to excuse his behavior or rationalize it. This is your reality.

Learn about Assertiveness. I’m a “nice girl” so I struggle with this,but have gotten so much better with work.I suspect you are too. This video(and her channel) helped me so much.Fast forward to 17:30 to her message about what assertiveness is and IS not.

Develop a vision for your life,based on your needs and desires. That includes your love life. You know what the biggest test of self esteem is? Developing a vision/ideal for yourself and being assertive enough to actually pursue it. This book has been a game changer. It has helped me realize that being assertive and self esteem go hand in hand. Plus a lot of us use men as an excuse to not focus on ourselves.
1607448885011.jpeg


If you haven’t put it together,I’m making the point that you need to focus on YOU right now. You can’t change your SO.On the same token, your relationship is providing you with valuable self knowledge if you’ll pay attention,that can help you become better going forward.

Hope that helps ❤️
 
kimpaur said:
@Ayesha81 this sounds like the same exact scenario as last time except it’s tires this time.So it seems like you want to leave but aren’t quite ready and that is okay. I repeat,that is okay. We’ve all been there.

I think it’s time you stop focusing on his behavior so much and start accepting the reality of your relationship. You are dating a user. Accepting that is the first step to you actually being able to leave .

Reflect a bit. Ask yourself what needs is he meeting that are keeping me in this relationship? Which ones are he not meeting? When you feel hurt/disappointed by him,allow yourself to feel that. Ask yourself ,what is he denying me in this moment that I need?Don’t try to excuse his behavior or rationalize it. This is your reality.

Learn about Assertiveness. I’m a “nice girl” so I struggle with this,but have gotten so much better with work.I suspect you are too. This video(and her channel) helped me so much.Fast forward to 17:30 to her message about what assertiveness is and IS not.

Develop a vision for your life,based on your needs and desires. That includes your love life. You know what the biggest test of self esteem is? Developing a vision/ideal for yourself and being assertive enough to actually pursue it. This book has been a game changer. It has helped me realize that being assertive and self esteem go hand in hand. Plus a lot of us use men as an excuse to not focus on ourselves.
View attachment 466087


If you haven’t put it together,I’m making the point that you need to focus on YOU right now. You can’t change your SO.On the same token, your relationship is providing you with valuable self knowledge if you’ll pay attention,that can help you become better going forward.

Hope that helps ❤️
Click to expand...

This helped, Thank you. I talked to him about it letting him know I feel used. It's been some weeks but I saw him this weekend the entire Saturday he was doing things for me we were at the mall this weekend and I was shocked when he bought my clothes at the register but is it coming coming from a genuine place. It's still 2 years too late.

*please dont quote*
 
Soooo.....where are my ladies that wanted weddings and babies back in the day and now that years have passed you're like "Meh."

I'm trying to decide what is the point of marriage especially when you do not want children. Hearing from divorced friends or married friends, I'm like why do I want in again?
  1. If we divorce one person has to continue carrying the other on their health insurance plan
  2. If we buy a home, who leaves?
  3. He gonna get half of my business? or pension? Heyallll no. I love you but this is business.
Please lay it out for me and omit the religious aspect because that won't move the needle much.
 
Fine 4s said:
Soooo.....where are my ladies that wanted weddings and babies back in the day and now that years have passed you're like "Meh."

I'm trying to decide what is the point of marriage especially when you do not want children. Hearing from divorced friends or married friends, I'm like why do I want in again?
  1. If we divorce one person has to continue carrying the other on their health insurance plan
  2. If we buy a home, who leaves?
  3. He gonna get half of my business? or pension? Heyallll no. I love you but this is business.
Please lay it out for me and omit the religious aspect because that won't move the needle much.
Click to expand...


The truth is until you meet a man who causes you to realize the point, there won't be one. For me, marriage was just an idea until I was genuinely provided for, protected and loved in a way that was worth binding myself and giving my all to. Then I saw it as the perfect vehicle to be completely vulnerable knowing I was safe and under provision to be. It's an area where I don't have to second guess or doubt myself while being genuine and being selfless. It's a place where we can make mistakes and still be accepted because even in mistakes honor, and respect remain consistent even when emotions and/or circumstances aren't. Developing that without Jesus is a lofty endeavor though, possible but lofty. I would even say most often it has the attributes of Christ when it occurs even if it is mislabeled. No marriage is perfect, most people don't see all the parts that fortify and build it up but sometimes you meet a person worth the endeavor of deciding to build one. I don't expect anyone here to move the needle for you...A man fitting to be your husband would do that for you and his wife would understand why marriage is worth it for him...through him.
 
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Hmmm....not sure if it'a about a man making me feel or see things differently. Believe me, I'm not saying no but I don't really see the point.
What are the benefits?
 
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