Yes, It's Another 'single Black Woman' Thread.....

[JustKiya]

But I thought that this blog presented some things that we actually *gasp* haven't touched on. I bolded some stuff that was real interesting.


The Real Reasons 70% of Black Women Are Single: It's Not What They're Telling You!

By J.J. Smith

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]We’ve all heard on Oprah, CNN, ABC News, and the Washington Post that 70% of black women are single, and 42% are unmarried. We’ve even recently heard a young black women (Helena Andrews) say that she is successful, black and lonely and that “B**** is the New Black”. Helena’s story is probably the most heartfelt as I can relate to her, when I was in my 20s that is... but now at 40, I can say that there are many things that I have learned about Black men and 2 that stand out the most are that: [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] 1) “Being a B****” was never going to get me the love I desired from black men. (Note: Being a B**** as in being mean, argumentative, hard to get along with, bitter, etc.) [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] 2) Our "credentials" don't attract men! Just because WE feel that we are successful, independent, professional and educated doesn’t mean that’s we’re attractive to men, or even datable for that matter. I have learned that it is our EXTERIOR that gets a man's attention (smile, look, personality, non-*****y attitude, confidence and overall attractiveness) and our INTERIOR (our love for God, family, friends, being honest, supportive, respectful, emotionally stable, goal-oriented) that keeps a man coming back for more.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Even though many news organizations have provided the statistics I mentioned above, I’ve rarely seen these media outlets offer any real solutions. In fact, I’ve yet to hear anyone really explain the REAL reasons so many black women are single, as its much more complicated than the “numbers.”

I personally don’t believe in allowing the media to exploit this issue and give an appearance that Black people have issues and challenges that we cannot solve on our own. As a single, successful black women, I refuse to allow the media to make me feel bad or desperate about the plight of the “single black female,” especially given the personal and professional success sistas have made in a male-dominated world.

So, Black men and women, WE can facilitate our own discussion on this challenge and identify real solutions that work for us. I’ll begin by offering a 2-part article to address this challenge. In Part 1, I will discuss the real reasons why so many Black women are single... because you know the media isn’t telling the whole story and in Part 2: I will offer 10 practical solutions for women who are looking to find a “good man.” Please feel free to share other suggestions! [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Real Reasons So Many Black Women are Single: [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*Note: Some of the reasons could apply to women that are not black, but the focus of this article is on Black women because that’s all we keep hearing about in the media these days. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] There are many factors that have lead to why so many Black women are single, but I believe the most significant factors are listed below: [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]1. The Black Man Shortage (as I read on Essence.com):
42% of Black women are unmarried. 70% of professional Black women are single. The numbers don’t lie and there is a real gap between “datable” Black women and men. Even if there is some degree of inaccuracy in the numbers, if you just talk to Black women, many will agree that there are some challenges finding a “good black man, ” that is... one that is not behind bars, gay, or with other races. I’m also fully aware of this challenge due to the number of Black women who write me about it every week. So, the statistics do play a role in this challenge, but it does not tell the whole story. Please read on! [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2. Too Many Black Women Have Bought Into the Stereotypes On Who They Are:
The perception that Black women are hard to get along with, mean, b****y, argumentative, bitter, etc. has become a reality for too many black women. I know, because I used to be that way (and still have relapses on occasion but irrational behavior and constantly “going off” on people, especially your man, is not an attractive quality to have when trying to maintain a relationship with a man. I had to LEARN that just because I was running things at work, didn’t mean I was going to run things with my man. So, I had to “check my attitude” at the door when dealing with my black man. Maybe a man really needs to be the head of the household, and if you don’t trust that he can be, then leave him alone and move on. A wise man once told me that anything with two heads is a monster, so only 1 can be head of the household, and for me, I prefer it to be my man. Sistas, we know we have carried too much of the financial and emotional burden of raising our families alone, but we should use that to draw strength from and not allow that to make us emotionally weaker. I remember being in my 20s at a management consulting firm I worked for and this brother told me that I would definitely make Partner but no one would ever like me because I was so damn mean, and I actually was naïve enough to take that as a compliment; not realizing that my “meanness and b****iness” had spilled over into my personal life and keeping me from attracting and keeping good men in my life. [/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]3) Many Black Women Have Made a Conscious Decision To Be Single:
I know you’re saying yea right. But this is actually true. I know personally for me, I have been married before, but I prefer to be single, especially since I don’t want to have children. Personally, I am not looking to get married again, but I’m not opposed to the idea either. If I meet someone who makes me feel that being married to them is better than my freedom and the luxuries of my single life, then I would consider getting married again.
The most important thing to me is to have quality, meaningful relationships with men with similar dreams, goals and interests in life. People fall in love and marry because it’s the tradition. Men and women have been getting married since before recorded history. Until recently, America was the most “married” nation in the world. But now many ask, “Do I have to be married to live happily ever after?” In today’s society, people have a strong desire to simply be happy, whether that means being married or unmarried.
Being single is not synonymous with being “alone”. Many single people do have a meaningful love relationship in their life. Society makes people think that end goal of two people who love each other is a “traditional monogamous marriage” but I don’t believe everyone fits that model. Whoever said dating has to end in marriage? If marriages were so great, why do more than half of them end in divorce? So, there are really some women who are happy being single... Seriously! [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]4) Black Men Don’t See Many of the Qualities That They So Much Admire in Their Mothers and Grandmothers:
To say it’s just a shortage of black men is only a small part of the problem, but as Black women we have to re-evaluate who we are and who we’ve become today. Black men don’t see the strong, quiet strength of their mothers and grandmothers; neither the homemaking/cooking skills either. In my book Why I Love Men, I have a section called “Never Underestimate the Relationship Between a Man and His Mother” that discusses this further. A wise woman understands the precious bond between a man and his mother. You’re not going to change it nor would you want to. A mother is very proud of her son, especially if he’s a good man. His mother values him. His mom and grandmother has loved him unconditionally all his life, and well, you, not so long. If you want a smooth relationship with a Black man, be sure you understand WHY he loves his mom so much and it will help you build a stronger relationship with him. And, if you don’t know why he admires and loves his mom so much, ask him. In fact, a huge red flag for me is when a guy doesn’t have any relationship with his mother, and she is still living. Or if he speaks to his mother in a disrespectful or harsh manner, he will likely treat you the same way. [/FONT]

 

[JustKiya]

5) Black Women Have Spent Their Best Years Pursuing Their Education and Career Goals not Realizing that Their Strongest Assets (e.g., Looks, Fertility) Decrease With Age:

I know this may be unpopular, but it is the truth. A woman who wants to have a family should capitalize on her looks, age, and fertility while she is young instead of only focusing on chasing the high-powered career. I believe (and of course I could be wrong) that a man would more likely be with a young, fine woman that is less educated and makes him feel good (in terms of stroking his ego) then an average looking woman with a great career and education.)

If marriage and having children is important to you, you may want to NOT focus as much time on pursuing your career goals, but spend more time pursuing and developing meaningful love relationships while you’re young, perky and fertile. If you want a husband and family, you have to pursue it with the same focus and attention you did to achieve your career goals, and by all means, don’t let you looks, fashion sense, and overall attractiveness go downhill. Note: In my book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I share insider secrets, practical advice and techniques that any woman can use to maximize her physical beauty without cosmetic surgery, because as shallow as it may sound, how physically attractive you are is very important to men, and should also be to you if you are seriously looking to attract and keep a man.

6) Black Men Struggle More Than Any Other Group of People in Society and in the Workplace:
You have to ask why are there so many black men in prison and under-educated? Why is the unemployment rate so high for black males? Why is the suicide rate so high for black males? Why are so many black men absent in their child’s life? Why are black males struggling more than other group of people? We have to better understand the struggles of Black men to really increase the number of “datable” black men...and I’m no expert on the answers to these questions and I know when I’m out of my lane, but there are others who have studied Black males and written on this topic and could surely provide some answers to these questions.

7) Black Women Haven’t Adjusted to the New Hypercompetitive Dating Environment That Exists Today:
Many of the traditional rules of courtship don’t exist, for better or for worse, Black women have to do things differently to attract and maintain a long-term relationship with a man. And, if you think about it, most of us have never been taught how to date to find a compatible partner. There was no college course for it. Yes, many women have received advice from family or friends. We may have taken advice from other single women. But most of us are winging it as we go. There are some women who are obviously better at it than others. In Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I’ve consolidated the best strategies that I have learned from friends, relatives and my own experiences and frankly some of the best practical advice that I have ever received and successfully applied to attract the type of men I wanted in my life and they did show up. These strategies have worked for others and they can work for you. You can’t continue doing the same thing and expect different results. It is time to change your approach to dating!

So, those are my thoughts, I’d love to hear why you think so many Black women are single and please be sure to read Part 2: 10 Things Single Black Women Should Do to Find a “Good Man.”

Thoughts? Tomatoes?

 

[Summer_Rain]

Points number 2 & 4 are right in line with what we discussed in the thread on SAHM/WAHMs (i.e. how the women of previous generations used to hold it down) and even the thread going on right now (flirting & seduction) ...so many of us just don't know how to play up our subtle femininity and play down the aggressive side.

 

[JustKiya]

Points number 2 & 4 are right in line with what we discussed in the thread on SAHM/WAHMs (i.e. how the women of previous generations used to hold it down) and even the thread going on right now (flirting & seduction) ...so many of us just don't know how to play up our subtle femininity and play down the aggressive side.

They are, aren't they?! I got the link to this of off twitter, and I was like - hrrrrmmmm. Is this line of thinking just in the air?

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Again, this really gets on WOMEN for solutions, not men. I don't know how I feel about this anymore. I mean, if the tables were turned, would women REALLY be beating down the solution door either? IDK.

 

[jamaraa]

Add another one...too many BW refuse to date/mate IR. They're convinced that BM are their only options for love and happiness. I don't know why that is.

 

[Summer_Rain]

They are, aren't they?! I got the link to this of off twitter, and I was like - hrrrrmmmm. Is this line of thinking just in the air?

Points 5 & 7 are passionately debated around here though. ESPECIALLY #5.

I agree with the blogger totally though - but feel some kinda way about #6. I know it's true, I can ride with it...I know there is a different element of institutionalized racism at play when it comes to black men & work but then there is the argument that sexism is more prevalent than racism. So if black women (who would be victims of both racism and sexism) can overcome, why are black men unable to?

 

[JayAnn0513]

#5...that the one no educated single black woman wants to hear. Now that I think on it, the white women I come across who made those same decisions marry later in life too. They just don't have the other 6 points to contend with.

 

[jamaraa]

About #5...given the divorce rate, women definitely need a balance of career and family. Opting ONLY for family isn't a good strategy, IMHO. You will not always be young and hot, so what if your hubby (as many do) dumps you for a younger model? Given what we know about women's difficulty re-entering the workforce and re-marrying upon a divorce (esp if they have kids), you need to think long and hard about opting out of educataion/work altogether.

After all, what if you end up 45 w/ 4 kids and no way to support them? IMHO...#5 ignores these facts.

 

[Hairsofab]

I agree with everything except for #2. Sorry but many white women I know are just as b*tchy and argumentative as black women, except they aren't burdened with the stereotype. One of my bf's is white, married to a white guy and she is very bossy and tells it like it is -all the time-. If she was black, she would definitely be labeled an angry black woman with the same attitude.

 

[JustKiya]

Again, this really gets on WOMEN for solutions, not men. I don't know how I feel about this anymore. I mean, if the tables were turned, would women REALLY be beating down the solution door either? IDK.

I've noticed that too, and I'm not sure if it's just a side effect of being around more black women. Or - if it relates to jamarra's comment, and the men who want to get married have no problem finding a woman to marry - whether she be black or other.

Most of the black men I encounter don't want to get married - so of course, they aren't the ones trying to change the way things are. erplexed

Points 5 & 7 are passionately debated around here though. ESPECIALLY #5.

I agree with the blogger totally though - but feel some kinda way about #6. I know it's true, I can ride with it...I know there is a different element of institutionalized racism at play when it comes to black men & work but then there is the argument that sexism is more prevalent than racism. So if black women (who would be victims of both racism and sexism) can overcome, why are black men unable to?

Okay - these are my thoughts there.

Men are viewed as more aggressive/a bigger threat to other men than women are. So, while a black woman - still has to deal with racism and sexism, her womanhood makes her 'safe'. The black man only has to deal with racism - but he also has to deal with others having a 'fear/avoidance' reaction towards him.......... and men aren't as willing to 'play nice' or be submissive/unaggressive - I truly think that for a lot of black men, their machoness/aggression feels like the 'main' indicators of their manhood - so they aren't willing - or able - to 'play nice' to succeed.

I see this in DH, to be honest. He's aware that he's a black man, but he's not aware of how others see him, and how that prejudice - on top of his very blunt and forward personality - often closes doors.

 

[Aveena]

on:

7) Black Women Haven’t Adjusted to the New Hypercompetitive Dating Environment That Exists Today:

I was at a house party this weekend were me and my female acqaintence were the only single people there Everyone else was married. ANYWAY,

one of the MARRIED men suggested that a smart female would buy a guy a drink at the bar

I went off!! and swiftly left. I can't take it!!!!!

 

[JustKiya]

#5...that the one no educated single black woman wants to hear. Now that I think on it, the white women I come across who made those same decisions marry later in life too. They just don't have the other 6 points to contend with.

Exactly!!!!! It's the same old saying 'When the rest of America catches a cold, the black community gets the flu' - we can't do things the same way as the wider community does because we have some major, major, major issues affecting our community that isn't affecting the wider community with the same amount of impact.

About #5...given the divorce rate, women definitely need a balance of career and family. Opting ONLY for family isn't a good strategy, IMHO. You will not always be young and hot, so what if your hubby (as many do) dumps you for a younger model? Given what we know about women's difficulty re-entering the workforce and re-marrying upon a divorce (esp if they have kids), you need to think long and hard about opting out of educataion/work altogether.

After all, what if you end up 45 w/ 4 kids and no way to support them? IMHO...#5 ignores these facts.

I don't think that #5 totally ignores that fact - nor do I think that it is suggesting that you don't chase that career. I think, what she is suggesting is that you chase the career AND the husband at the same time. We are queens of multitasking, right?

I agree with everything except for #2. Sorry but many white women I know are just as b*tchy and argumentative as black women, except they aren't burdened with the stereotype. One of my bf's is white, married to a white guy and she is very bossy and tells it like it is -all the time-. If she was black, she would definitely be labeled an angry black woman with the same attitude.

And that makes a huge difference. HUGE. And that is something that I don't know that we can change.

 

[JayAnn0513]

About #5...given the divorce rate, women definitely need a balance of career and family. Opting ONLY for family isn't a good strategy, IMHO. You will not always be young and hot, so what if your hubby (as many do) dumps you for a younger model? Given what we know about women's difficulty re-entering the workforce and re-marrying upon a divorce (esp if they have kids), you need to think long and hard about opting out of educataion/work altogether.

After all, what if you end up 45 w/ 4 kids and no way to support them? IMHO...#5 ignores these facts.

# 5 doesn't say don't work or try and get ahead in your career. What it says it you might wanna also look for a man while you are on that college campus. Nothing wrong with pursuing a MBA and and MRS at the same time.

 

[LoveisYou]

I think points #S 2, 5, and 6 are valid points. Regarding #5, although I am a woman pursuing the advanced degree/career path, I do not have a tunnel vision when it comes to my life. I am serious about school, but I know that I can also date and meet men while I am in school. I don't think a woman has to give up one for the other, they can be acheived simultaneously. It is possible to meet that man while you are getting that degree.

 

[Summer_Rain]

Okay - these are my thoughts there.

Men are viewed as more aggressive/a bigger threat to other men than women are. So, while a black woman - still has to deal with racism and sexism, her womanhood makes her 'safe'. The black man only has to deal with racism - but he also has to deal with others having a 'fear/avoidance' reaction towards him.......... and men aren't as willing to 'play nice' or be submissive/unaggressive - I truly think that for a lot of black men, their machoness/aggression feels like the 'main' indicators of their manhood - so they aren't willing - or able - to 'play nice' to succeed.

I see this in DH, to be honest. He's aware that he's a black man, but he's not aware of how others see him, and how that prejudice - on top of his very blunt and forward personality - often closes doors.

That makes sense Kiy.

I suppose it goes back to the baby-face Obama thread from several months ago. I dated this guy who would be described as the tall, dark and handsome type. 6'5, dark skin (darker than average) and stocky in his build. He used to talk about how he felt like such a sambo at work because he would have to become this shuck & jive type negro because it was less intimdating to the yts. He had to fall back just to make other comfortable with him . He may have operated to the extreme, but I can def. understand his position now that you put it that way

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I like this thread, but some of stuff is repetitive...

 

[LoveisYou]

# 5 doesn't say don't work or try and get ahead in your career. What it says it you might wanna also look for a man while you are on that college campus. Nothing wrong with pursuing a MBA and and MRS at the same time.

Exactly. I think it would help some students to leave the pjs back in the dorm room, comb their hair and put on a little lipgloss. Oh and smile, smiling is important.

 

[username12]

We can jump through all types of hoops, but if BM don't step up and take responsibility, not much will change. I know many BM who: don't want to get married, married and cheating, on the DL, or messed up their lives (drugs, dropped out of school, etc.). It takes 2

I do agree with the list though

 

[jamaraa]

Numbers 2 and 6 are the most interesting to me.

#2..on almost every site I see where there's a large concentration of BW, you come across the negative stereotypes..."bottom of the totem pole", "unfeminine", "angry Black woman", "not valued" etc.. The vast majority of people repeating and lamenting these things are BW themselves!!! I can't believe so many BW actually see themselves this way and internalize it...worse, they repeat it constantly even when others aren't!

You are your own best advertisement, people believe about you what you tell them to. If you want people to believe differently, tell them differently. Don't say "I'm undesirable because I'm dark" and any such foolishness. If you advertise yourself that way, why be surprised/angry that people buy into it? Be your own best advocate in all your endeavors, I say!

#6...IMHO, BW are the most culturally/socially isolated of all women as a group and perhaps of people in general. There are many reasons for that, but think about it for a sec. How man BW go to exclusively Black churches, went to HBCUs, belong to exclusively Black clubs, refuse to be involved in things that "Black folks don't do", and socialize outside of a BW set outside the work place? If this is your life, how COULD you know what's going on "outside"? You're living in an echo chamber of sorts and aren't developing the relationships w/ other women and people in general who are having differing experiences than yourself.

Cultural/social isolation is creating a situation where BW are ONLY meeting people like themselves and aren't learning new approachs/ideas on how to compete for a limited "resource" (ie men). BM date out so much, in part, because they aren't nearly as socially/culturally isolated. In order to meet new people and get new ideas, you must be willing to step outside of your "comfort zone". IMHO, far too many BW are willing to do that.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

agree with Lisa Lisa 1901's post. Its blaming the victim to me. I have to stroke a ego, I have to look my best, I have to not pursue my career goals. I, I, I, I, I, I ! Does nobody see how crazy this sounds. My life is built around getting, pleasing and keeping a man? Really? Where is MY worth? Where are the thousands of articles, experts and discussions on how a black man can find, please and keep me? These articles only make me more disgusted. I'm tired of this discussion, I'm tired of hearing about how unhappy i am because i dont have a man. I= black women. Give me a break already.

 

[Optimus_Prime]

I agree with #5, more or less, but that's about it.
Yes, many black women believe that they are whatever other ppl say they are (#2) and sabotage their lives accordingly. Many also choose to be single, but by taking actions that will simply insure that they never attract decent men for long (being a baby mama instead of using birth control, for example, cause not to many ppl will want to marry you and have little half-siblings of their own with you).
And #7 and #3 don't make sense in light of #6. Why would you work harded to "win" a man who's no real prize and cannot/will not do very well in life?

 

[jamaraa]

# 5 doesn't say don't work or try and get ahead in your career. What it says it you might wanna also look for a man while you are on that college campus. Nothing wrong with pursuing a MBA and and MRS at the same time.

The so called MRS degree is a thing of the past mostly. Relatively few men or women are marrying or even considering marrying while they're still in college, at least undergrad (which is what the MRS degree was about).

My point is, women are far more likely to find themselves in middle age alone and raising children....MRS degree or not because divorce is a major factor. Just getting married doesn't mean you'll STAY married, so you'd better be prepared to take care of yourself and your children ALONE if you choose this route. Women run a risk either way, but the MRS degree simply doesn't have the security it once represented.

The overall stats that I've seen shows that people by and large (all races) are marrying later, having fewer kids, and that the financial issues that come w/ college education are a factor (too much debt) in the late marriage rates, so looking to the past for a solution today really isn't useful, IMHO. LOL...I think the MRS degree as a focus for BW goes to her #6 point.

 

[sidney]

Again, this really gets on WOMEN for solutions, not men. I don't know how I feel about this anymore. I mean, if the tables were turned, would women REALLY be beating down the solution door either? IDK.

Yes, but fixing the larger community issues that involve men (are for most BW) less practical. Atleast these ideas put the ball in your corner and give YOU some control over changing your very own circumstances.

 

[jamaraa]

agree with Lisa Lisa 1901's post. Its blaming the victim to me. I have to stroke a ego, I have to look my best, I have to not pursue my career goals. I, I, I, I, I, I ! Does nobody see how crazy this sounds. My life is built around getting, pleasing and keeping a man? Really? Where is MY worth? Where are the thousands of articles, experts and discussions on how a black man can find, please and keep me? These articles only make me more disgusted. I'm tired of this discussion, I'm tried of hearing about how unhappy i am because i dont have a man. I= black women. Give me a break already.

Well if you're not unhappy, cool. Lots of women are just like you and wonder at these "po me" articles.. I think this stuff is aimed at those BW who ARE NOT happy w/ their sitch and trying to give them some solutions. Those women are out there and they are LOUD about their unhappiness...sadly, it makes it seem as if ALL BW feel this way. They don't.

Of course, relationships or lack thereof involve men too. I'd love to see some articles aimed at why BM in particular are having trouble committing to ANYONE (regardless of race or even gender) and what solutions someone can come up w/.

IOW, I feel ya!

 

[Bunny77]

Points 5 & 7 are passionately debated around here though. ESPECIALLY #5.

I agree with the blogger totally though - but feel some kinda way about #6. I know it's true, I can ride with it...I know there is a different element of institutionalized racism at play when it comes to black men & work but then there is the argument that sexism is more prevalent than racism. So if black women (who would be victims of both racism and sexism) can overcome, why are black men unable to?

Yeah, see I could NEVER get down with #6.

Why? Ironically (or maybe not so much), it's because I grew up with a black man in my home (my dad) and he never got down like that.

Oh he could have though... my dad lived through real-life Jim Crow and he certainly had things to say about racism, the poor treatment of black folks, Republicans , etc., but he NEVER made it personal, like, "This happened to me because I'm a black man and I couldn't achieve this because I was a black man and it's hard out here for a black man..."

So, the idea that I'm somehow supposed to relate "differently" to a black boyfriend/husband because of his "struggle" just does. not. compute. to me. That I have to do XYZ to have a successful relationship in general (okay fine), but I have to add special elements to "understand" him as a black man... sorry, but no.

If my dad could go through basic training in the segregated South, work his way through college over the course of 10 years, eventually get a bachelor's and master's degree in the 1970s, then I don't want to hear boo from any black men today about how hard it is, considering that black folks in the 2000s are the most privileged black people in American history.

 

[JustKiya]

That makes sense Kiy.

I suppose it goes back to the baby-face Obama thread from several months ago. I dated this guy who would be described as the tall, dark and handsome type. 6'5, dark skin (darker than average) and stocky in his build. He used to talk about how he felt like such a sambo at work because he would have to become this shuck & jive type negro because it was less intimdating to the yts. He had to fall back just to make other comfortable with him . He may have operated to the extreme, but I can def. understand his position now that you put it that way

Exactly! And a lot of men are not comfortable with that - nor do they see the value in it, because it's something you've gotta practice.

I like this thread, but some of stuff is repetitive...

Some of it is, but I thought some of it was fresh enough to share, and I didn't want to butcher her article by taking out the repeats.

#6...IMHO, BW are the most culturally/socially isolated of all women as a group and perhaps of people in general. There are many reasons for that, but think about it for a sec. How man BW go to exclusively Black churches, went to HBCUs, belong to exclusively Black clubs, refuse to be involved in things that "Black folks don't do", and socialize outside of a BW set outside the work place? If this is your life, how COULD you know what's going on "outside"? You're living in an echo chamber of sorts and aren't developing the relationships w/ other women and people in general who are having differing experiences than yourself.

Cultural/social isolation is creating a situation where BW are ONLY meeting people like themselves and aren't learning new approachs/ideas on how to compete for a limited "resource" (ie men). BM date out so much, in part, because they aren't nearly as socially/culturally isolated. In order to meet new people and get new ideas, you must be willing to step outside of your "comfort zone". IMHO, far too many BW are willing to do that.

Yyyyyyeeeeeeesssssssssss!!!!!!!!

agree with Lisa Lisa 1901's post. Its blaming the victim to me. I have to stroke a ego, I have to look my best, I have to not pursue my career goals. I, I, I, I, I, I ! Does nobody see how crazy this sounds. My life is built around getting, pleasing and keeping a man? Really? Where is MY worth? Where are the thousands of articles, experts and discussions on how a black man can find, please and keep me? These articles only make me more disgusted. I'm tired of this discussion, I'm tired of hearing about how unhappy i am because i dont have a man. I= black women. Give me a break already.

Who said you were unhappy? These articles/discussions are focusing on the women who are unhappy about their single status and their difficulty in finding a man (or a man finding them) that they are willing to marry.

If you are peachy-keen in your situation, then you fall into point #2 - you've chosen to be single, and are content with it. If - gods forbid - something happened to DH tomorrow, I would be single - and content - right along with you. *shrug*

Doesn't mean I can't try to help the other woman who are not in the same state of contentment that I am, ya know?

Well if you're not unhappy, cool. Lots of women are just like you and wonder at these "po me" articles.. I think this stuff is aimed at those BW who ARE NOT happy w/ their sitch and trying to give them some solutions. Those women are out there and they are LOUD about their unhappiness...sadly, it makes it seem as if ALL BW feel this way. They don't.

Of course, relationships or lack thereof involve men too. I'd love to see some articles aimed at why BM in particular are having trouble committing to ANYONE (regardless of race or even gender) and what solutions someone can come up w/.

IOW, I feel ya!

YES!!! That's the article(s) I'd LOVE to see. Hrm, I might do some googlefuu if I can get a second.

If my dad could go through basic training in the segregated South, work his way through college over the course of 10 years, eventually get a bachelor's and master's degree in the 1970s, then I don't want to hear boo from any black men today about how hard it is, considering that black folks in the 2000s are the most privileged black people in American history.

Girl - I 100% agree with you. But a lot of the black men today are not like your daddy (if they were, I doubt we would be having these discussions!), and they truly believe that De'Man is keeping them back. The same way they believe their arse is black and the sky is blue. And when a person has that level of - I don't even know what you would call that! - inside of them - it makes them....different.

 

[fletches]

Honestly it seems like BW have to jump through hoops to get a man.
Don't be too b****y, don't be too educated,

If I had to put that much effort into it, I might've stayed single.

 

[Optimus_Prime]

Add another one...too many BW refuse to date/mate IR. They're convinced that BM are their only options for love and happiness. I don't know why that is.

I was a minority women's meeting once and we had all sorts of speakers from business women, professors, politicians, etc, and I'll never forget this black girl stood up to ask a black lady politician "why" she thinks she was able to make it "since we are the bottom of the totem pole?" The women on the panel were shocked (there were women and men of all races in the conference hall) and I was shocked. I didn't know that mentality existed.
I've learned since coming to lhcf, in particular, that some of us just aren't going to make it because our priorities in life are 1)black men and 2)non-black women, of which we are neither.
To a lot of black women, there's no way anyone but the familiar black man could want us, and even then only if we can get as close to some non-black woman as possible. The truth is many black women are CONVINCED of their own inferiority to EVERYONE ELSE in society.

Points 5 & 7 are passionately debated around here though. ESPECIALLY #5.

I agree with the blogger totally though - but feel some kinda way about #6. I know it's true, I can ride with it...I know there is a different element of institutionalized racism at play when it comes to black men & work but then there is the argument that sexism is more prevalent than racism. So if black women (who would be victims of both racism and sexism) can overcome, why are black men unable to?

Thank you!

Numbers 2 and 6 are the most interesting to me.

#2..on almost every site I see where there's a large concentration of BW, you come across the negative stereotypes..."bottom of the totem pole", "unfeminine", "angry Black woman" etc.. The vast majority of people repeating and lamenting these things are BW themselves!!! I can't believe so many BW actually see themselves this way and ionternalize it...worse, they repeat it constantly!



You are your own best advertisement, people believe about you what you tell them to. If you want people to believe differently, tell them differently. Don't say "I'm undesirable because I'm dark" and any such foolishness. If you advertise yourself that way, why be surprised/angry that people buy into it. Be your own best advocate in all your endeavors, I say!



#6...IMHO, BW are the most culturally/socially isolated of all women as a group. There are many reasons for that, but think about it for a sec. How man BW go to exceluively Black churches, belong to exclusively Black clubs, refuse to be involved in things that "Black folks don't do", and socialize outside of a BW set outside the work place? If this is your life, how COULD you know what's going on "outside"? You're living in an echo chamber of sorts and aren't developing the relationships w/ other women and people in general who are having differing experiences than yourself.

Cultural/social isolation is creating a situation where BW are ONLY meeting people like themselves and aren't learning new approachs/ideas on how to compete for a limited "resource" (ie men). BM date out so much, in part, because they aren't nearly as socially/culturally isolated. In order to meet new people and get new ideas, you must be willing to step outside of your "comfort zone". IMHO, far too many BW are willing to do that.

I read a study yeears ago on why black men dated/mated/married "out" so much more htan black women. The researchers really couldn't make sense of it because black women actually interact with non-blacks (in the workplace, academia) at a much, much higher rate than black men.

 

[Rastafarai]

Why are black males struggling more than other group of people? We have to better understand the struggles of Black men to really increase the number of “datable” black men

How does BETTER understanding the struggles of black men increase the number of datable black men? What more is there to understand??? Is this not saying that we are (ONCE AGAIN) responsible for creating solutions in uplifting black men and by extension our black community?

IMHO, black men are NOT victims and we black women are NOT their saviors.

Black Women Haven’t Adjusted to the New Hypercompetitive Dating Environment That Exists Today:
Many of the traditional rules of courtship don’t exist, for better or for worse, Black women have to do things differently to attract and maintain a long-term relationship with a man. And, if you think about it, most of us have never been taught how to date to find a compatible partner. There was no college course for it. Yes, many women have received advice from family or friends. We may have taken advice from other single women. But most of us are winging it as we go. There are some women who are obviously better at it than others. In Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I’ve consolidated the best strategies that I have learned from friends, relatives and my own experiences and frankly some of the best practical advice that I have ever received and successfully applied to attract the type of men I wanted in my life and they did show up. These strategies have worked for others and they can work for you. You can’t continue doing the same thing and expect different results. It is time to change your approach to dating!

Talk about using a dilemma to market a product. So now I not only need, "Why Men Love B**ches", "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man", "He's Just Not That Into You", "The Rules", Cosmopolitan, Essence, and Lord knows what else to find and keep a man but now I also need "Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating" ????

I am SO done.