Is being single THAT bad?

[InsertCleverNameHere]

Being single doesn't necessarily mean that you are alone.

I enjoy the lack of stress and compromise in being single. Right now, it really feels nice not to have to factor a guy in my decisions. I will admit that having a child has really affected my desire to have a mate. I don't feel pressed to get married because I want kids.

The one (big, huge ) drawback to being single is not having easy, accessible, wonderful sex on a frequent basis.

 

[JustKiya]

Overall, being single is ideal for my type of personality. I don't like to leave things undone. I like that I am proactive. Being in a relationship would be exhausting for me because I would have to be proactive for another person. That is draining just thinking about it. I run a very tight ship in my life and I like it that way.

So are you truly happy or do you just have an issue with trust and relinquishing control?

I was just about to ask this too. I feel like not only would I not be able to have a relationship with an SO I wouldn't be able to hold a job or make lasting friendships either.

I think I share the personality traits DD mentioned - I'm very proactive, and yes, a bit of a control freak. I MUST have a partner who is equally proactive - and, it's interesting, but it seems that's not a trait that a lot of men have. My mom and I were talking, and she shared some of the same things that married sisters on this board have said - men are often like children.

I HATE that comparison, but I'm slowly learning to accept that there is more than just a grain of truth in it. And I'm not the one who has the energy/capacity to be proactive for another adults life and choices - and thas something else that led to my divorce - the acknowledgement that carrying another adult just doesn't 'feel' right for me. *shrug* it makes me resentful, and it makes me lose respect for that person, and it makes no sense that it's just - expected to be the role of a woman/wife. No ma'am. In this way, I MUST have a partner on my level.

Friendships/employment is different - friends don't put that burden on you - they are expected to pull their own weight and manage their own lives. And payment in hard currency is a LOT different than 'payment' in sx, closeness, and companionship.

 

[Katherina]

I got into an argument with a paternal first cousin. The coversation didn't have anything to do with kids or marriage (we were talking about how the paternal side of my family continually looks their nose down at me and my sisters and they are all in Section 8 housing! I had had enough of it at that point and told her off). Then she went on from there and said, and I quote, "I heard about you...no marriage....no kids." I know what she was implying: I was a lesbian. Fine. She went on to say "In High School you were friendless, ugly and always had your head hanging down". So...why the mystification that I am single? It would seem pretty obvious after that statement.

The job I do for living really doesn't help matters, etiher.

People are transparent. 9.9 out 10 I can see right through people. As I've said before I will say it again -- I have met no one worth trusting 100%. No one. Is that unfortunate,...maybe. I had one guy I was talking to about six years ago tell me that I expect the guy I am with to be perfect. I objected to that at the time, but he was right. He is right.

Overall, being single is ideal for my type of personality. I don't like to leave things undone. I like that I am proactive. Being in a relationship would be exhausting for me because I would have to be proactive for another person. That is draining just thinking about it. I run a very tight ship in my life and I like it that way.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. One of my best friends is very private and we're total opposites (so I don't understand her at all, lol!); I think this could provide some insight into her choices.

 

[ambergirl]

I think I share the personality traits DD mentioned - I'm very proactive, and yes, a bit of a control freak. I MUST have a partner who is equally proactive - and, it's interesting, but it seems that's not a trait that a lot of men have. My mom and I were talking, and she shared some of the same things that married sisters on this board have said - men are often like children.

I HATE that comparison, but I'm slowly learning to accept that there is more than just a grain of truth in it. And I'm not the one who has the energy/capacity to be proactive for another adults life and choices - and thas something else that led to my divorce - the acknowledgement that carrying another adult just doesn't 'feel' right for me. *shrug* it makes me resentful, and it makes me lose respect for that person, and it makes no sense that it's just - expected to be the role of a woman/wife. No ma'am. In this way, I MUST have a partner on my level.

Friendships/employment is different - friends don't put that burden on you - they are expected to pull their own weight and manage their own lives. And payment in hard currency is a LOT different than 'payment' in sx, closeness, and companionship.

I hear you on the bolded. If you're not the type of woman who wants to drive and direct a man and a household it does seem to limit your relationship possibilities. I know a few women who seem to be in more equal relationships but they are far and few between.

 

[Nina_deF]

I hear you on the bolded. If you're not the type of woman who wants to drive and direct a man and a household it does seem to limit your relationship possibilities. I know a few women who seem to be in more equal relationships but they are far and few between.

I wonder why this is?
Men are worse off when single and most men will go from gf to gf, while when need a breather inbetween relationships. Men seem to always need someone to stear.

 

[thatscuteright]

I hear you on the bolded. If you're not the type of woman who wants to drive and direct a man and a household it does seem to limit your relationship possibilities. I know a few women who seem to be in more equal relationships but they are far and few between.

I always thought that it was the men that needed someone to mold and direct.

 

[ambergirl]

I wonder why this is?
Men are worse off when single and most men will go from gf to gf, while when need a breather inbetween relationships. Men seem to always need someone to stear.

I always thought that it was the men that needed someone to mold and direct.

There are definitely those men who want a submissive wife, but what you often find underneath all of that surface machismo is a women making sure the trains run on time. A lot of that "man in charge" persona some guys put out there is a cover for some serious insecurities.

And some men act like being without a woman will be the end of them. They would rather be in an obviously dysfuncational situation then be alone often times.

 

[Nina_deF]

There are definitely those men who want a submissive wife, but what you often find underneath all of that surface machismo is a women making sure the trains run on time. A lot of that "man in charge" persona some guys put out there is a cover for some serious insecurities.

And some men act like being without a woman will be the end of them. They would rather be in an obviously dysfuncational situation then be alone often times.

True and ture.
I was in a pretty serious mc accident a few years ago, I was ICU for 4 days.
I asked my then husband to cal my work and explain my absence.
When I got back my collegue told me that he had called and sobbed down the phone: Åsa, I could've been wifeless.

Ya know....

I always thought that it was the men that needed someone to mold and direct.

It seems to be an urban myth.

 

[Katherina]

Ambergirl post 184 - This is me. Even though I have a different personality than what JK and DD described, I prefer that both my partner and I have near-equal footing in the relationship, and the thought of being with a "child-man" makes me squirm. I am not the type to take over everything; I get easily frustrated if I see that happening, and I won't put up with it . My two LTRs have been with men who held their weight.

I really appreciate you ladies (nina_def, asuperwoman, justkiya) sharing your life experiences. I am not sure that I want to have kids of my own. Right now I'm in a phase where I'd like to adopt. I had a similar phase when with my ex (maybe it's saying something that I only want kids when I'm single? ).

Also, I usually don't feel a strong desire for marriage. If I'm happy in my current relationship then so be it as is. From childhood I just assumed that marriage just happens in your twenties or thirties; I never thought too much about it. My parents (and family members) never told me that I need to find a husband and they don't pressure me about making them grandparents either.

Despite all this, I do want to get married someday, for the companionship and social / financial benefits. But I do not want to be married right now. So I'm wondering, when will the day come that I'll want to be married "now"?

 

[Nina_deF]

Despite all this, I do want to get married someday, for the companionship and social / financial benefits. But I do not want to be married right now. So I'm wondering, when will the day come that I'll want to be married "now"?

I don't think that everyone feels the need to get married before they meet the one.

The day will come when HE is standing infront of you.
The day you meet a man and see your children in his eyes.

That will be the day.

That's what I felt when I met my ex-husband, granted I chose wrong, my vagina canceled out my brain, but the feeling is incredible!

 

[Katherina]

I don't think that everyone feels the need to get married before they meet the one.

The day will come when HE is standing infront of you.
The day you meet a man and see your children in his eyes.

That will be the day.

That's what I felt when I met my ex-husband, granted I chose wrong, my vagina canceled out my brain, but the feeling is incredible!

Ok. Some say that men are likely to desire marriage once they reach a certain point in their lives, whereas women will desire marriage once they've met the right person. Is this true? To what extent?

Some people have never desired marriage. But is it simply because they've never met the right person? Or is it because marriage doesn't appeal to them? Or is it because they're not ready yet? And how are we to know which of these reasons is the one why we're not ready for marriage yet?

Maybe I should just do some intuition exercises, lol.

 

[Nina_deF]

I don't believe that women are uniform, marriage does not appeal to all, just like having children is not for everyone.

I guess that you should just do what is right for you, follow your gut.
I felt as a young child that I wasn't going to get married, mainly due to my parents sicko marriage.

Today I realize that I am not one to be married.
I haven't had any sicko relationships, it's just not a good fit for my personality.

The first time I got married because that is what one does (I settled sort of), the last (!!!) time was because the sex was the bestest EVER, which is also why I hung around too long.

The only way for me to not divorce again is to never marry.
I'm not feeling even having a regular bf/gf relationship.
I'm just not good at it.

I pity the fool.......!

 

[JustKiya]

Ok. Some say that men are likely to desire marriage once they reach a certain point in their lives, whereas women will desire marriage once they've met the right person. Is this true? To what extent?

Some people have never desired marriage. But is it simply because they've never met the right person? Or is it because marriage doesn't appeal to them? Or is it because they're not ready yet? And how are we to know which of these reasons is the one why we're not ready for marriage yet?

Maybe I should just do some intuition exercises, lol.

I NEVER thought I would get married until I met stbXDH. It really was like meeting someone and seeing children and grey hairs and a long life together in his eyes.
I was wrong, and I think my younger self knew me better than I gave her credit for.

 

[Katherina]

I don't believe that women are uniform, marriage does not appeal to all, just like having children is not for everyone.

I guess that you should just do what is right for you, follow your gut.
I felt as a young child that I wasn't going to get married, mainly due to my parents sicko marriage.

Today I realize that I am not one to be married.
I haven't had any sicko relationships, it's just not a good fit for my personality.

The first time I got married because that is what one does (I settled sort of), the last (!!!) time was because the sex was the bestest EVER, which is also why I hung around too long.

The only way for me to not divorce again is to never marry.
I'm not feeling even having a regular bf/gf relationship.
I'm just not good at it.

I pity the fool.......!

I NEVER thought I would get married until I met stbXDH. It really was like meeting someone and seeing children and grey hairs and a long life together in his eyes.
I was wrong, and I think my younger self knew me better than I gave her credit for.

So basically, you do what seems best at the moment - step by step ... and life plays out. You learn along the way. Sigh, that's what my mother would say, and she's usually lachen right. This is actually very helpful though - hope I didn't derail the thread too much

 

[aribell]

I was content before when I was totally single, but now? I'm really happy. And guess what?

It's probably because I do have a man.

(Of course, I spent most of my adult life without one -- sometimes by choice, sometimes not.)

I understand exactly what you mean with the bolded, though it's true that you're not "supposed" to say that being in a good relationship or getting married makes you happier as a person. Contentment and happiness are two completely different things, though. Contentment is about acceptance. Happiness is about the positive feelings you have about what's going on in your life. If a woman has a source of love in her life that wasn't there before, I'd certainly hope she'd be happier for it!

I think that it's interesting that most of the pro-marriage and family messages in the media come from organizations that are run by men. That's not to say that they don't have anything of value to say, but I think that perhaps the traditionalist messages that are put out there are themselves skewed by the male perspective. A soon-to-be married friend was telling me that statistically, married men are always happier than married women. At a job I worked, two of the older men were telling me about marriage and one, a kind man, was saying how he hoped some young man would get his act together and pursue me properly. And without skipping a beat, a woman coworker said that when that day does come, she advises me to tell him "no." Another woman agreed. Both older, still married, but seriously considering divorce.

I think that the message that is unclear for younger women is whether the problem is with the institution, or whether women chose a mate poorly, or lacked self-knowledge in deciding to get married. I think that anyone dissuading women from getting married has to be clear as to exactly why they feel it's not such a great thing. Oftentimes, it seems like it's really about the individuals involved and not the marital arrangement itself.

I do think, though, that our society today makes it difficult to stick things out. Sometimes you have to be stuck somewhere to make the best of it. For the most part, there really aren't the social constraints on marriage that there were in times past, so people choose to drop it and pursue other options. So, I don't know if women are becoming wiser about the hardships in marriage so much as they simply have an easier time getting out of it. For this reason, I wonder if waiting till a bit older is going to prove to be the wisest course of action--waiting until you really do know yourself and what you want, and are perceptive about people to judge well, etc.

 

[ambergirl]

I understand exactly what you mean with the bolded, though it's true that you're not "supposed" to say that being in a good relationship or getting married makes you happier as a person. Contentment and happiness are two completely different things, though. Contentment is about acceptance. Happiness is about the positive feelings you have about what's going on in your life. If a woman has a source of love in her life that wasn't there before, I'd certainly hope she'd be happier for it!

I think that it's interesting that most of the pro-marriage and family messages in the media come from organizations that are run by men. That's not to say that they don't have anything of value to say, but I think that perhaps the traditionalist messages that are put out there are themselves skewed by the male perspective. A soon-to-be married friend was telling me that statistically, married men are always happier than married women. At a job I worked, two of the older men were telling me about marriage and one, a kind man, was saying how he hoped some young man would get his act together and pursue me properly. And without skipping a beat, a woman coworker said that when that day does come, she advises me to tell him "no." Another woman agreed. Both older, still married, but seriously considering divorce.

I think that the message that is unclear for younger women is whether the problem is with the institution, or whether women chose a mate poorly, or lacked self-knowledge in deciding to get married. I think that anyone dissuading women from getting married has to be clear as to exactly why they feel it's not such a great thing. Oftentimes, it seems like it's really about the individuals involved and not the marital arrangement itself.

I do think, though, that our society today makes it difficult to stick things out. Sometimes you have to be stuck somewhere to make the best of it. For the most part, there really aren't the social constraints on marriage that there were in times past, so people choose to drop it and pursue other options. So, I don't know if women are becoming wiser about the hardships in marriage so much as they simply have an easier time getting out of it. For this reason, I wonder if waiting till a bit older is going to prove to be the wisest course of action--waiting until you really do know yourself and what you want, and are perceptive about people to judge well, etc.

Great insights Nicole! ITA On the first bolded. If you're in a solid relationship of course you should feel happier then being alone, that's an indication that you've chosen a good match. That's the relationship brass ring and none of us should settle for less the that.

And I agree dissatisfaction may be tied to not choosing well to begin with or other compatibility issues rather then marriage as an institution....Although almost all of my married friends have said getting married totally changed their relationship so it seems like there's some psychological thing that happens when you get married...

 

[Katherina]

I think that it's interesting that most of the pro-marriage and family messages in the media come from organizations that are run by men. That's not to say that they don't have anything of value to say, but I think that perhaps the traditionalist messages that are put out there are themselves skewed by the male perspective. A soon-to-be married friend was telling me that statistically, married men are always happier than married women. At a job I worked, two of the older men were telling me about marriage and one, a kind man, was saying how he hoped some young man would get his act together and pursue me properly. And without skipping a beat, a woman coworker said that when that day does come, she advises me to tell him "no." Another woman agreed. Both older, still married, but seriously considering divorce.

I agree. I don't dislike the idea of marriage, but I feel strange about allowing myself to be a part of a life-long institution that doesn't serve my best interests. I just don't know.

I don't know for sure, but it seems to me that married men are happier than married women. Maybe the grass is greener, but I feel like they get most of the perks - plus, they don't have to endure childbirth (major in my book!)!

This is part of the reason why I want a man who is very financially secure. Aren't most divorces over finances?

I have seen it play out where the wife stays with a cheating and unemployed man. Why? IDK. She's the breadwinner. She's buying and cooking all the meals. It seems to me that she would have been better off staying single. I have yet to see what she's gained from it, besides her children. Why add all the unnecessary stress? Maybe she poorly judged his character from the beginning. Or maybe he was just that manipulative. She says she was in love. I hate to sound jaded, but love just ain't enough.

 

[thatscuteright]

Its funny that statistically marriage benefits men so much more then women, but women are the ones eager and anxious to get married. Women are the targets of th $40 Billlion Dollar wedding industry. Black women have now become the targets of a marriage and relationship industry spearheaded by authors, pastors, event planners and the media.

 

[thatscuteright]

Random reading about the History of Marriage:

The wedding industry is a modern phenomenon. In the past, women were viewed as possessions and sold as wives; today, couples spend thousands of dollars to have their ideal of the perfect day of union. In ancient times men would capture their wives from neighboring tribes, and the marriage relationship took on a persona of the man being the victorious slave owner and the woman as the defeated enemy forced to work and bear children. Later, marriage developed into an actual industry where women were sold as wives for cattle, grain, or other valuable goods. It was not until the Roman civilization that women were allowed to choose who they married.[2]

Marriages were also a way to secure peace and form alliances between families, tribes, or even nations. This type of marriage was known as a Marriage of state and played a heavy role in the history of the world. A prime example of this is the marriage of King Henry VIII of England to Catherine of Aragon, Spain in 1509, and this wedding formed an alliance between Spain and England. King Henry the VIII also used this alliance to invade France. Using marriage to climb the social ladder has been used throughout history and in each economic class.

The wedding industry changed and evolved in to a capitalist industry that we know today between the 1920s to 1950s, and many of our traditions today were developed during this time by advertisements and promotions from major retailers, jewelers, caterers, and many other companies.[3] This industry is atypical of United States companies in that it is made up of many small parts, and many of them are local. There is no one major company that provides all the services for a wedding but several that generally have to be contacted, scheduled, and paid for separately;

 

[Bunny77]

I think that the message that is unclear for younger women is whether the problem is with the institution, or whether women chose a mate poorly, or lacked self-knowledge in deciding to get married. I think that anyone dissuading women from getting married has to be clear as to exactly why they feel it's not such a great thing. Oftentimes, it seems like it's really about the individuals involved and not the marital arrangement itself.

I do think, though, that our society today makes it difficult to stick things out. Sometimes you have to be stuck somewhere to make the best of it. For the most part, there really aren't the social constraints on marriage that there were in times past, so people choose to drop it and pursue other options. So, I don't know if women are becoming wiser about the hardships in marriage so much as they simply have an easier time getting out of it. For this reason, I wonder if waiting till a bit older is going to prove to be the wisest course of action--waiting until you really do know yourself and what you want, and are perceptive about people to judge well, etc.

You have made such great points in this thread!!!

The first paragraph I just quoted addresses what I was trying to get at in some of my posts... I thnk young women should hear a variety of perspectives from married and divorced women about their experiences, but the total dissuasion of marriage is what I often found a bit disingenuous when I heard it from folks close to me. And I do find it disappointing that the women in your office said that they hoped you'd say "no," if a young man asked for your hand in marriage. That should be your choice, and making that decision doesn't mean your marriage will be the same as theirs were.

In all of those women's cases, I could tell that their husbands were like an extra child who appeared to add little to the relationship (at least from my outsider view) and the women often married early because that's what they were supposed to do. Even then, I didn't see marriage itself as the problem, but the choices that led to the marriage. And I didn't blame the women for feeling that way... it's difficult to make such a decision withough much life knowledge... so like you, I am wondering if marrying somewhat later can make a difference.

Whatever decision is made, I think a woman considering marriage needs to consider whether or not the man she's marrying appears to have the qualities of a good husband... of course things can and will change through the course of a marriage, but a lot of issues could be solved with greater discernment during the dating process.

 

[Imani]

It has been really eye opening to read the responses from the women in this thread who came to the realization that marriage wasn't for them. I've kinda always felt that way deep down, and people act like I'm crazy or something is wrong with me for feeling that way. I even started telling myself that I'd eventually grow out of it and get the urge for marriage/children. I'm 27 and its still not there, sooo I'm starting to wonder if that urge is ever going to show up. The idea of it kinda depresses me, like I'd be losing my freedom and locked down. When I was with my ex and he was talking about kids/marriage, I'd literally start feeling anxious and short of breath like I was being suffocated. He was one of what I call the "plan" dudes. wants to be engaged at xyz age, kids at this age, second home at xyz price/size, having xyz combined salary by this age, the dog, the picket fence etc.

 

[Raspberry]

^^^One of my sisters told me that getting married can be either the best or the worst thing you've ever done and I believe her. I think we should keep in mind that there are multiple factors that determine whether marriage is awesome or a burden for a certain person. That's why it's foolish for people to make blanket generalizations about either singleness or marriage being a guarantee of fulfillment, happiness, or even misery.

All I've gathered so far in my observations and discussions on marriage is that it is a very complex commitment that can bring great joy as well as great sorrow; and that even the best marriages result from a lot of personal compromise, growth, and sacrifice - but it is well worth it when both parties have their heart in the journey. I believe that marriage will challenge my character in ways that I can never experience while single. I'm also learning not to take for granted some of the luxuries of singledom and will maximize this time to the fullest.

 

[Imani]

^^^One of my sisters told me that getting married can be either the best or the worst thing you've ever done and I believe her. I think we should keep in mind that there are multiple factors that determine whether marriage is awesome or a burden for a certain person. That's why it's foolish for people to make blanket generalizations about either singleness or marriage being a guarantee of fulfillment, happiness, or even misery.

All I've gathered so far in my observations and discussions on marriage is that it is a very complex commitment that can bring great joy as well as great sorrow; and that even the best marriages result from a lot of personal compromise, growth, and sacrifice - but it is well worth it when both parties have their heart in the journey. I believe that marriage will challenge my character in ways that I can never experience while single. I'm also learning not to take for granted some of the luxuries of singledom and will maximize this time to the fullest.

I agree. And I don't think anyone in this thread has made such generalizations. People have been stating what they feel is best for themselves based on their own personal lifestyle preferences.