Is being single THAT bad?

[BillsBackerz67]

I replied earlier in this thread but after being with SO for almost 6 months I think I could survive both ends of the spectrum either way and still be happy with whatever route I go.

Its funny because as I'm typing this I am in my room ALONE and my friend just text me asking to go out...and I said "meh not tonight I'd rather stay in"....her reply "sheesh as soon as people get a boyfriend they act like they cant go out anymore".....I realllllly wanted to cuss her out but I ignored her text and I just let her think what she wants to think. She thinks I'm all hugged up under my SO and cuddling watching netflix...But truth be told, he's at his house and I'm at mine. What is he doing? who knows I could text or call and ask but Im really not interested right now to know

I spent the night last night stayed over his house until about 1 pm, joined my friends at a bbq the rest of the day, talked to him a few hours ago....Im done for the night, now Im enjoying my alone time, eating my snacks and cracking the hell up with you ladies . I sleep over there maybe once or twice a week and the majority of the time I stay home and sleep in my own bed.

I really think my attitude towards our relationship and giving each other necessary space is whats keeping us together honestly If we break up, it will be hurtful, but after that I highly doubt I'll be in another relationship for a very long time. Also, because having children is not one of my most sought after desires, I really wont be in a rush to find someone else.

ETA: I expressed how I felt about my SO to one of my friends and she said "Oh he's not the one....you should ALWAYS want to be around him and you wont be able to stop thinking about him..." Im thinking this girl is totally nuts. These two things are supposed to validate how I feel about my SO and If I dont feel this way we're doomed?

 

[Nina_deF]

We are all different and what's good for some, isn't good for others.

When I talk about my revelation that I am not wife material I am talking only about me and my struggles.
I have friends who are in great relationships, I am happy for them.

I've left "good" men because I wasn't feeling them but they are good men for someone else.

But there is a bit of single bashing out there, I've been told not to divorce because there are no good men and I am so old that I will have a problem finding one who wants me anyway.
Some feel sorry for me, others "console" me saying that I will indeed meet that special someone some day. But I don't want to. It is not for me. I'm happy.

And like Bunny77 said, maybe, down the road, I'll change my mind.
Mybe Tom Selleck will stroll down my street, who knows.

But until then, I'll be just fine and dandy, all on my lonesome.

 

[candid1]

I can actually say im happy being single....after my sons father and i called it quits 2008 ive been single ever since . i used to be the type that felt like i needed to have a man just cause no matter how worth less he was...thank god im over that!!! so at first i thought i was gonna miss it but it wasnt that much to miss..but i can honesty say im the happiest ive ever been..im closer to my family since ive moved back im enjoying my baby growin up and finishing up school. however, i do miss intimacy and the other stuff ..lol but not enough to make me wanna go out lookin for the next guy.

 

[Bunny77]

We are all different and what's good for some, isn't good for others.

When I talk about my revelation that I am not wife material I am talking only about me and my struggles.
I have friends who are in great relationships, I am happy for them.

I've left "good" men because I wasn't feeling them but they are good men for someone else.

But there is a bit of single bashing out there, I've been told not to divorce because there are no good men and I am so old that I will have a problem finding one who wants me anyway.
Some feel sorry for me, others "console" me saying that I will indeed meet that special someone some day. But I don't want to. It is not for me. I'm happy.

And like Bunny77 said, maybe, down the road, I'll change my mind.
Mybe Tom Selleck will stroll down my street, who knows.

But until then, I'll be just fine and dandy, all on my lonesome.

Nina, I laughed at all of your earlier posts because I thought the way you expressed yourself was hilarious and I completely understood your perspective! I understood Asuperwoman, Ballerina Bun, JustKiya and everyone else's too in that they were perfectly cool being single... and don't get me started on the way people treat single women like pariahs...

I think the reason I responded to Asuperwoman's last post though was because of this part...

Beyond the desire to wed, I think if most women just reached the point where they don't HAVE to have a man nor do they go around trying to figure out the latest formula to obtain one, we would be much happier as a whole.

It's okay to not desire to be married, but it's NOT okay to desire to be married so badly that the mere thought of just being married controls one's existence. The hair stands up on my neck everytime I hear a woman say, " i would be happy if I just had a man." NEWSFLASH:If you ain't happy without a man, sooner or later you aren't going to be happy with one because men no matter how good they are, don't always have the ability to maintain our happiness because that comes from within or at least it should.

Although I totally understood what she was getting at and even supported it to a degree, this is something I've heard all my life and often found rather disingenuous because it usually came from women who'd been there, done that... and it indirectly dismisses the concerns of another group of women who desire to experience the type of commitment and emotional security that comes with marriage.

I was content before when I was totally single, but now? I'm really happy. And guess what?

It's probably because I do have a man.

(Of course, I spent most of my adult life without one -- sometimes by choice, sometimes not.)

But if a woman says that, the assumption is that she might have low self-esteem, can't survive alone... well, that's not me at all. Shoot, I feel like I'm betraying all of my carefully honed skrong, edumacated, independent woman training by saying the above... I was talking to a male co-worker yesterday who was talking about a female co-worker on the fast track in her career who suddenly dropped it all to be a wife and mommy. Now she runs a Mommy website and is happier than a clam.

I'm in the same career field, and I told the guy, "Yep, I feel her. I want to do the same thing." (Well, not the Mommy website... but something less intense than what I do now.)

At least right now, I don't want to get to a point where I feel "happier" knowing I can survive without a man. Yeah, did that for over a decade, and it got quite old, lonely and not fulfilling at all.

I guess the best way to put it is like this... For example, I know so many married people who will say to a never-married (and often childless woman) that they "envy" them because they can do what they want, not have to answer to a man or children and live their lives for themselves. Now, they probably do feel this way at times... but the same women can say days or a week later how much they're looking forward to a fun day out with family, or how much they love their kids or that their husband did the most wonderful thing for them yesterday.

Now how is the single woman who desires those things supposed to feel?

It's fine for a married woman to express her frustrations (I'm sure I'll have them), but many of these married women know dang on well that they REALLY don't want to trade places for good with the never married, childless woman that they "envy." It's such a patronizing statement made based on one's frustration at the time, but that single woman has often heard that married woman for years talking about how much she loves her husband and children and her home life, yet she's supposed to then listen as the married woman goes, "Oh, you don't need a man! Stop trying to find one! Just live your life for you and be happy! Well, gotta go pick up the kids! Bye!"

Yeah, exactly.

So that's where I was coming from... but I completely appreciate the pro-single perspectives that many women have for themselves and their own lives.

 

[Bunny77]

Last thing, and then I think I'm done...

I noticed many of the "I prefer being single," (whether married, divorced or never married) folks have children already or aren't really interested in having them.

For those of us who desire to be mothers, we kinda need to have a man (unless we're gonna adopt or go the donor route). And preferrably, be married to that man... so eventually, all of this, "Enjoy being single," talk from women who have experienced marriage or are mothers is going to be counterproductive to childless women spending year after year of their adult lives not having a man...

Just trying to be the spokeswoman here for the late-20s, 30-something set of never-married, rarely-in-relationships, childless women who want to marry at some point... and have kids, in many cases.

 

[ambergirl]

Great conversation ladies!

For me, the bottom line is that whether you are married or single both paths have their pros and cons and both are valid options. There is no right or wrong. And each woman may find that in different seasons of her life she wants different things.

That said, I actually disagree with you Bunny on this one. I think the truth telling about the reality of marriage is overdue. For eons women have been exploited, manipulated, and completely defined by their relationship to men. Even today society programs women to believe that their worth is defined by their capacity to get a man to marry them and to have children and that marriage and motherhood is their primary source of fulfillment. I mean the title of this thread says it all doesn't it?

It's really only been in the last 40 years or so that anyone spoke the truth about the fact that marriage is not always the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Prior to that women suffered in silence or thought something was wrong with them when they found marriage wasn't the end all and be all or worse, told lies about how great it was to be married when that was not the whole truth for them.

I don't think the answer is to silence married women expressing their frustrations but to listen and figure out what us single chicks or soon to be marrieds can learn from their experiences so that if we choose to get married, we have the benefit of learning from our sisters who went before us.

 

[Ladybelle]

Nina, I laughed at all of your earlier posts because I thought the way you expressed yourself was hilarious and I completely understood your perspective! I understood Asuperwoman, Ballerina Bun, JustKiya and everyone else's too in that they were perfectly cool being single... and don't get me started on the way people treat single women like pariahs...

I think the reason I responded to Asuperwoman's last post though was because of this part...



Although I totally understood what she was getting at and even supported it to a degree, this is something I've heard all my life and often found rather disingenuous because it usually came from women who'd been there, done that... and it indirectly dismisses the concerns of another group of women who desire to experience the type of commitment and emotional security that comes with marriage.

I was content before when I was totally single, but now? I'm really happy. And guess what?

It's probably because I do have a man.

(Of course, I spent most of my adult life without one -- sometimes by choice, sometimes not.)

But if a woman says that, the assumption is that she might have low self-esteem, can't survive alone... well, that's not me at all. Shoot, I feel like I'm betraying all of my carefully honed skrong, edumacated, independent woman training by saying the above... I was talking to a male co-worker yesterday who was talking about a female co-worker on the fast track in her career who suddenly dropped it all to be a wife and mommy. Now she runs a Mommy website and is happier than a clam.

I'm in the same career field, and I told the guy, "Yep, I feel her. I want to do the same thing." (Well, not the Mommy website... but something less intense than what I do now.)

At least right now, I don't want to get to a point where I feel "happier" knowing I can survive without a man. Yeah, did that for over a decade, and it got quite old, lonely and not fulfilling at all.

I guess the best way to put it is like this... For example, I know so many married people who will say to a never-married (and often childless woman) that they "envy" them because they can do what they want, not have to answer to a man or children and live their lives for themselves. Now, they probably do feel this way at times... but the same women can say days or a week later how much they're looking forward to a fun day out with family, or how much they love their kids or that their husband did the most wonderful thing for them yesterday.

Now how is the single woman who desires those things supposed to feel?

It's fine for a married woman to express her frustrations (I'm sure I'll have them), but many of these married women know dang on well that they REALLY don't want to trade places for good with the never married, childless woman that they "envy." It's such a patronizing statement made based on one's frustration at the time, but that single woman has often heard that married woman for years talking about how much she loves her husband and children and her home life, yet she's supposed to then listen as the married woman goes, "Oh, you don't need a man! Stop trying to find one! Just live your life for you and be happy! Well, gotta go pick up the kids! Bye!"

Yeah, exactly.

So that's where I was coming from... but I completely appreciate the pro-single perspectives that many women have for themselves and their own lives.

Last thing, and then I think I'm done...

I noticed many of the "I prefer being single," (whether married, divorced or never married) folks have children already or aren't really interested in having them.

For those of us who desire to be mothers, we kinda need to have a man (unless we're gonna adopt or go the donor route). And preferrably, be married to that man... so eventually, all of this, "Enjoy being single," talk from women who have experienced marriage or are mothers is going to be counterproductive to childless women spending year after year of their adult lives not having a man...

Just trying to be the spokeswoman here for the late-20s, 30-something set of never-married, rarely-in-relationships, childless women who want to marry at some point... and have kids, in many cases.

Great conversation ladies!

For me, the bottom line is that whether you are married or single both paths have their pros and cons and both are valid options. There is no right or wrong. And each woman may find that in different seasons of her life she wants different things.

That said, I actually disagree with you Bunny on this one. I think the truth telling about the reality of marriage is overdue. For eons women have been exploited, manipulated, and completely defined by their relationship to men. Even today society programs women to believe that their worth is defined by their capacity to get a man to marry them and to have children and that marriage and motherhood is their primary source of fulfillment. I mean the title of this thread says it all doesn't it?

It's really only been in the last 40 years or so that anyone spoke the truth about the fact that marriage is not always the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Prior to that women suffered in silence or thought something was wrong with them when they found marriage wasn't the end all and be all or worse, told lies about how great it was to be married when that was not the whole truth for them.

I don't think the answer is to silence married women expressing their frustrations but to listen and figure out what us single chicks or soon to be marrieds can learn from their experiences so that if we choose to get married, we have the benefit of learning from our sisters who went before us.

This conversation is indeed interesting.

I don't neccessarily disagree with Bunny as I appreciate her perspective, but Amber pretty much summed up my sentiments.

Not to patronize single,childless woman because I have indeed been there done that. But, I believe wholeheartedly that the whole truth about marriage needs to be spoken about more genuinely & in earnest by the masses. All of our life experiences are different, but I'm my experience - the TRUTH is rarely spoken and just as there are good sides to marriage there are certainly the bads.

It's okay for a single women to desire marriage & babies just as it is okay for this same woman to not desire them. My issue is with there not being enough information readily available for a woman to make the choice.

I don't think it's patronizing for a woman such as myself to tell a single woman- marriage isn't all I thought it would be so please just stop rushing it & enjoy your life. It's no more patronizing than a former crack addict to tell someone don't do crack. I know I'm using an extreme analogy, but you get my point which is there is something to be learned from someone who's been there & done that. And, after being made aware of all the pro's & con's one still decides to get married or not - then so be it. Because then you would have made a decision based on ALL the facts rather than just the good parts.

 

[Bunny77]

That said, I actually disagree with you Bunny on this one. I think the truth telling about the reality of marriage is overdue. For eons women have been exploited, manipulated, and completely defined by their relationship to men. Even today society programs women to believe that their worth is defined by their capacity to get a man to marry them and to have children and that marriage and motherhood is their primary source of fulfillment. I mean the title of this thread says it all doesn't it?

Hey, I don't expect anyone to agree with me all the time! I know I've raised an eyebrow or two when I've read something from one of my favorite posters and I find myself in complete disagreement.

But that's what makes these discussions so great.

Again, I think I'm coming at this from a different perspective, which has shaped my opinion. My mother shared with me early on all the ugly truth about marriage. She said that knowing what she did now, she would have waited even longer to get married. She thought she was old "back then" for waiting until she was almost 27.

That same co-worker I mentioned in an earlier post said, "I know your parents must be thrilled that you're getting married." i said that they were happy because I'm happy, but they really didn't care one way or the other if I married or not. Marriage really wasn't a discussion that took place often in my home... in fact, my mother was among the main supporters of me living my life alone for as long as possible and focusing on me.

For the most part, I got more anti-marriage (or at least, wait as long as possible) messages, than I did "Get married NOW," messages.

And I did that for a while... and I enjoyed it. I really did.

Until I started realizing that the great part of living in today's society is that, thanks to the women who sacrificed so much, I had a choice. And I could also choose to seek fulfillment in marriage and motherhood.... and that for me, at least, that might be exactly where I would find most fulfillment.

Now, this all remains to be seen. I ain't married yet... I know I'm not expecting a happily ever after or a pot of gold at the end of the ranbow, but exciting new challenges as I enter into a new phase of life. Again, check back with me in five years.

I just fear that in all the truth-telling about the ugly side of marriage and the sexist degradation of tying a woman's worth to her marital status, we also run the risk of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I've also noticed that among a growing number of young women who've grown up hearing the ugly truth message, some have actually found themselves embracing the more traditional viewpoint because it's the exact opposite of what they were exposed to. I remain stunned watching my good friends who were in the "independent" trenches with me in college transforming into the exact opposite. They still work and enjoy their career lives, but their true joy, as they tell me, comes from their husbands and children and home life.

Ask them if they want to go back to their freewheeling, single childless days, and the resounding answer is a HELL NO!"

Perhaps that's where I'm at right now. Embracing a desire for marriage and motherhood feels almost revolutionary to me, while for others, it's more revolutionary to embrace singlessness because they had marriage expectations shoved down their throats for so long.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ I've noticed this trend of younger women craving more traditional lifestyles too. And I agree, I think part of it is just rebeling and questioning whatever is the current status quo. Would love to catch up with these women 20 years into those marriages and hear their thoughts.

Still, I don't think women sharing their truths about married life is so single women will remain single. It's about what asuperwoman is saying....it's about each woman having the freedom to speak her truth. It's up to us to determine if what they're saying holds any lessons for us. At least today we have the freedom to hear different perspectives and to choose how we want to live our lives (although I would argue that there is still a lot of stigma associated with being single).

 

[Ladybelle]

Hey, I don't expect anyone to agree with me all the time! I know I've raised an eyebrow or two when I've read something from one of my favorite posters and I find myself in complete disagreement.

But that's what makes these discussions so great.

Again, I think I'm coming at this from a different perspective, which has shaped my opinion. My mother shared with me early on all the ugly truth about marriage. She said that knowing what she did now, she would have waited even longer to get married. She thought she was old "back then" for waiting until she was almost 27.

That same co-worker I mentioned in an earlier post said, "I know your parents must be thrilled that you're getting married." i said that they were happy because I'm happy, but they really didn't care one way or the other if I married or not. Marriage really wasn't a discussion that took place often in my home... in fact, my mother was among the main supporters of me living my life alone for as long as possible and focusing on me.

For the most part, I got more anti-marriage (or at least, wait as long as possible) messages, than I did "Get married NOW," messages.

And I did that for a while... and I enjoyed it. I really did.

Until I started realizing that the great part of living in today's society is that, thanks to the women who sacrificed so much, I had a choice. And I could also choose to seek fulfillment in marriage and motherhood.... and that for me, at least, that might be exactly where I would find most fulfillment.

Now, this all remains to be seen. I ain't married yet... I know I'm not expecting a happily ever after or a pot of gold at the end of the ranbow, but exciting new challenges as I enter into a new phase of life. Again, check back with me in five years.

I just fear that in all the truth-telling about the ugly side of marriage and the sexist degradation of tying a woman's worth to her marital status, we also run the risk of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I've also noticed that among a growing number of young women who've grown up hearing the ugly truth message, some have actually found themselves embracing the more traditional viewpoint because it's the exact opposite of what they were exposed to. I remain stunned watching my good friends who were in the "independent" trenches with me in college transforming into the exact opposite. They still work and enjoy their career lives, but their true joy, as they tell me, comes from their husbands and children and home life.

Ask them if they want to go back to their freewheeling, single childless days, and the resounding answer is a HELL NO!"

Perhaps that's where I'm at right now. Embracing a desire for marriage and motherhood feels almost revolutionary to me, while for others, it's more revolutionary to embrace singlessness because they had marriage expectations shoved down their throats for so long.

Maybe we can reach a balance, a combination of the ugly truth with the grandiosity that marriage & motherhood can be.

And, maybe just hearing from each end of the spectrum women could garner their own opinions about what they want to do honestly & realistically. IMO, that would be wonderful.

Bunny, I think you're going to love marriage & motherhood because as you stated you are not entering into it with the false expecations. You're already one leg up on some if not most. I can't wait to see your wedding pics if you choose to share them here!!! *hint*

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Asuperwoman...how old where you when you got married and when did you start having children?

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

Are you truly happy and single and truly don't mind being alone?

I got into an argument with a paternal first cousin. The coversation didn't have anything to do with kids or marriage (we were talking about how the paternal side of my family continually looks their nose down at me and my sisters and they are all in Section 8 housing! I had had enough of it at that point and told her off). Then she went on from there and said, and I quote, "I heard about you...no marriage....no kids." I know what she was implying: I was a lesbian. Fine. She went on to say "In High School you were friendless, ugly and always had your head hanging down". So...why the mystification that I am single? It would seem pretty obvious after that statement.

The job I do for living really doesn't help matters, etiher.

People are transparent. 9.9 out 10 I can see right through people. As I've said before I will say it again -- I have met no one worth trusting 100%. No one. Is that unfortunate,...maybe. I had one guy I was talking to about six years ago tell me that I expect the guy I am with to be perfect. I objected to that at the time, but he was right. He is right.

Overall, being single is ideal for my type of personality. I don't like to leave things undone. I like that I am proactive. Being in a relationship would be exhausting for me because I would have to be proactive for another person. That is draining just thinking about it. I run a very tight ship in my life and I like it that way.

 

[Bunny77]

^^^ I've noticed this trend of younger women craving more traditional lifestyles too. And I agree, I think part of it is just rebeling and questioning whatever is the current status quo. Would love to catch up with these women 20 years into those marriages and hear their thoughts.

I would too. I'm seeing these women in their first five years of marriage, so we'll see what happens down the road. These women aren't super young though (late 20s/early 30s), so I'm hoping that their marital decisions were good ones because they did get to spend a reasonable number of years after college learning about themselves AND figuring out the type of man they wanted... they usually didn't grab the first dude who came along because they were lonely. Now I think we all agree that's a problem!

Still, I don't think women sharing their truths about married life is so single women will remain single. It's about what asuperwoman is saying....it's about each woman having the freedom to speak her truth. It's up to us to determine if what they're saying holds any lessons for us. At least today we have the freedom to hear different perspectives and to choose how we want to live our lives (although I would argue that there is still a lot of stigma associated with being single).

I agree with this... and I do hope asuperwoman didn't think that I was dismissing valid issues that she brought up from experience. I know a lot of women feel the same way, and rightfully so.

I can just speak from my experience (and from complaints that I often heard from simularly situated single female friends in my life) how it felt like such comments didn't take into account what we were going through in our lives never having had that opportunity to marry or raise children.

 

[Maracujá]

I voted 'sometimes'. I got into a toxic relationship in my twentis simply because I felt that 'it was time' to be with someone, ladies do not make that mistake. I gave my all to that relationship but the guy was only interested in hitting it and quitting it. I've been single for about 5 years now and lately I've been praying to the Lord to prepare me for my future husband, in every way possible but especially emotionally and spiritually.

 

[Ladybelle]

Asuperwoman...how old where you when you got married and when did you start having children?

I had my first dd at 21. Got married to her father at 26. I'll be 30 in October and have had two more children since the first one. So, I've pretty much been a mother & in a serious relationship/marriage since 20.

Not sure what your question is alluding to, but I would agree that age has something to do with it. At least it did for me. Even then though, I'm not so sure I would choose marriage later if I had it do all over again. Which is a catch 22 because I love children and always wanted them it's the marriage that goes along with having kids that I could pass on. The man I married probably is a big factor in how I feel about marriage right now, but then again - I don't really know, still trying to figure that part out. If ALL marriages take this much effort,work, sacrifice, & etc - no thanks! We'll see how I feel in another year or two.

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny, I think you're going to love marriage & motherhood because as you stated you are not entering into it with the false expecations. You're already one leg up on some if not most. I can't wait to see your wedding pics if you choose to share them here!!! *hint*

I just might be able to post a pic or two...

As for marriage, I already know I'm gonna be mad at FH cause he can't remember a dang thing, even if I tell him 500 times that someting is important... he's like, "But you didn't make it clear though!"

FH is excited too. He's 38 and this is his first marriage.

Thanks for the well wishes. I wish you the best too in whatever you decide!

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Thank you I was not eluding to anything actually I was just curious because i did not know that we were around the same age. Based on your posts and how insightful you are about your family or whatnot I would have pegged you at mid 30s honestly.
I know If i got married that young and had children I would be in an asylum right now So kudos to you for having to endure all of this and still having a positive attitude. I hope whatever you decide works out for you and your family

I had my first dd at 21. Got married to her father at 26. I'll be 30 in October and have had two more children since the first one. So, I've pretty much been a mother & in a serious relationship/marriage since 20.

Not sure what your question is eluding to, but I would agree that age has something to do with it. At least it did for me. Even then though, I'm not so sure I would choose marriage later if I had it do all over again. Which is a catch 22 because I love children and always wanted them it's the marriage that goes along with having kids that I could pass on. The man I married probably is a big factor in how I feel about marriage right now, but then again - I don't really know, still trying to figure that part out. If ALL marriages take this much effort,work, sacrifice, & etc - no thanks! We'll see how I feel in another year or two.

 

[Ladybelle]

Thank you I was not eluding to anything actually I was just curious because i did not know that we were around the same age. Based on your posts and how insightful you are about your family or whatnot I would have pegged you at mid 30s honestly.
I know If i got married that young and had children I would be in an asylum right now So kudos to you for having to endure all of this and still having a positive attitude. I hope whatever you decide works out for you and your family

awwww! thanks & hugs too. Do you plan to wed and/or have kids someday?

 

[BillsBackerz67]

^^^^ If it was up to me I'd wed and not have kids However I have an SO and thing are great so far. so if things get to that point....MAYBE. He's better with kids than I am. Esp with my nephew. I put on his diaper the wrong way and it was too tight. He's like "Ummm his diaper is on wrong...here let me show you how to do it...." and went ahead and put on a new diaper and showed me the two finger test to ensure that the pamper wasn't too tight and that his booty would breath So if he is this involved all the time MAYBE i would consider the kid part...maybe

 

[Ladybelle]

I got into an argument with a paternal first cousin. The coversation didn't have anything to do with kids or marriage (we were talking about how the paternal side of my family continually looks their nose down at me and my sisters and they are all in Section 8 housing! I had had enough of it at that point and told her off). Then she went on from there and said, and I quote, "I heard about you...no marriage....no kids." I know what she was implying: I was a lesbian. Fine. She went on to say "In High School you were friendless, ugly and always had your head hanging down". So...why the mystification that I am single? It would seem pretty obvious after that statement.

The job I do for living really doesn't help matters, etiher.

People are transparent. 9.9 out 10 I can see right through people. As I've said before I will say it again -- I have met no one worth trusting 100%. No one. Is that unfortunate,...maybe. I had one guy I was talking to about six years ago tell me that I expect the guy I am with to be perfect. I objected to that at the time, but he was right. He is right.

Overall, being single is ideal for my type of personality. I don't like to leave things undone. I like that I am proactive. Being in a relationship would be exhausting for me because I would have to be proactive for another person. That is draining just thinking about it. I run a very tight ship in my life and I like it that way.

So are you truly happy or do you just have an issue with trust and relinquishing control?

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I was just about to ask this too. I feel like not only would I not be able to have a relationship with an SO I wouldn't be able to hold a job or make lasting friendships either.

So are you truly happy or do you just have an issue with trust and relinquishing control?

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

So are you truly happy or do you just have an issue with trust and relinquishing control?

I will be the first to admit that I am not happy. I have happy episodes. I am content. If I was miserable, I would most definitely say so. I do have slight control issues. None of us have control but I like to think I do, It's completely a ma'ma issue. My mom always played/plays victim. I am slightly obsessive compulsive business-wise about staying on top of everything because of that reason. I live by the motto-- you want it done right, you gotta do it yourself. No one could live up to or cure that neurosis except GOD Himself.

I was just about to ask this too. I feel like not only would I not be able to have a relationship with an SO I wouldn't be able to hold a job or make lasting friendships either.

Friendships, are actually not hard for me to cultivate with people from all walks of life. I don't expect people in the realm of a friendship to be perfect. I definitely separate the two. I haven't always been that way, but the past 10 years or so, yeah. Making friends has just been easy for me. Granted, I don't ask for a lot from the people I know, lol. But I am always there for them if they need.

 

[ambergirl]

I had my first dd at 21. Got married to her father at 26. I'll be 30 in October and have had two more children since the first one. So, I've pretty much been a mother & in a serious relationship/marriage since 20.

Not sure what your question is alluding to, but I would agree that age has something to do with it. At least it did for me. Even then though, I'm not so sure I would choose marriage later if I had it do all over again. Which is a catch 22 because I love children and always wanted them it's the marriage that goes along with having kids that I could pass on. The man I married probably is a big factor in how I feel about marriage right now, but then again - I don't really know, still trying to figure that part out. If ALL marriages take this much effort,work, sacrifice, & etc - no thanks! We'll see how I feel in another year or two.

Love your honesty and candor asuperwoman

My favorite life philosopher/mythology expert Joseph Campbell once said marriage isn't a love affair, it's an ordeal....and the ordeal is that in order to make it work you are continuously sacrificing things that are important to you to the relationship....and he was happily married for about 50 year when he died! I think if both partners come to the marriage with this understanding....that they are equally willing to sacrifice - not to the other partner but to the continuity and health of the relationship - folks would be less disillusioned by the whole thing. The problem I often see is that both partners are not willing to compromise and sacrifice...and 9 times out of 10 it's the woman who is bending herself into all kind of shapes to make the relationship work...to me that's the key reason a lot of women are dissatisfied in their marriages.

 

[Britt]

Honestly, No.... Not really. I yearn for someone that I can connect with and grow with. Oddly, enough, I'm quite introverted so I cherish my personal space and need for solitude immensely, and I am not a clingly gf at all. But I do have a deep yearning for someone that I can connect with one many different levels and grow with together. I am not talking about a lustful love. I also don't really look forward to dating. In the back of my mind although I know I need to date in order to meet the right person, I'm a bit nervous about that b/c I don't look forward to that eager feeling of meeting someone new and then the uneasyness and awkwardness of figuring them out and seeing who they truly are and if we are compatible. I'm afraid that I will have a difficult time meeting someone that I am attracted to who I also vibe with. I'm trying to start going out now, but I'm trying to figure out prime places where I'd be in the company of men I'd be interested in. I'm a homebody and I know the only way to really meet someone is to go out more frequently. I also fear being single for a long time. I want to get married and settle down with the right person for me, I will be 29 in Feb so umm... yeah. If I didn't want to have a child or get married I honestly wouldn't be as 'pressed'. The yearning would still be there but it wouldn't be as strong.

 

[Ladybelle]

Love your honesty and candor asuperwoman

My favorite life philosopher/mythology expert Joseph Campbell once said marriage isn't a love affair, it's an ordeal....and the ordeal is that in order to make it work you are continuously sacrificing things that are important to you to the relationship....and he was happily married for about 50 year when he died! I think if both partners come to the marriage with this understanding....that they are equally willing to sacrifice - not to the other partner but to the continuity and health of the relationship - folks would be less disillusioned by the whole thing. The problem I often see is that both partners are not willing to compromise and sacrifice...and 9 times out of 10 it's the woman who is bending herself into all kind of shapes to make the relationship work...to me that's the key reason a lot of women are dissatisfied in their marriages.

Outside of the PF, I think you & I could be great friends. And, to the bolded: PREACH & AMEN!!! ITA w/Mr.Campbell's philosophy & your assessment of why most women are dissatisfied in their marriages is spot on.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ Girl I was just thinking the same thing! We are like >>>this<<<< on everything but politics it seems!

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Being single is bad for me due to the length of time i've been single (almost 10 years i'd say). I crave a partner. I will be 40 in a few years and being alone is not the business.

 

[Curly CoCo]

I've been single nearly all my life and I was just lurking on here yesterday. ( i voted dat its not bad) . I really enjoy my free time and all, even though I always get asked why am I single. But I had a moment yesterday dat made me kinda question it. I was chilling wit a guy friend and he kept holdin me close and gettin affectionate as I tried to kinda push him away. But it was something dat I liked about it and thought what would it be like to not be single.hmm I wonder

 

[Nina_deF]

There seems to be 3 camps of single women.

1- The ones who are singe by choice
2- The ones who are not single by choice but making the best of it
3- The ones who are no single by choice and hating it

I only know of one other 1, besides myself.
Most of the 2s I know are pretty cool, although one or two feel sorry for me.
Some of the 3s I know are freaking out, especially if they are my age, and go from "settling" and male/children bashing, trying to pass themselves off as 1s when the man they got their claws into bolts because of excessive smothering.

 

[s_terry]

I've been sleeping on this conversation, but it's so interesting. I think that discerning one's heart is very difficult because we have so much fear. Notice how the issue isn't presented as "What choice will make me happier and a better person?" But instead, it's "If I don't get married now, will I end up lonely and sad?" Or, "If I choose marriage, will I end up feeling stuck and miserable?" We allow our fear of a negative outcome to drive our choices rather than sitting back, looking at our lives and asking, "Now really, what has produced goodness in my life? What path am I willing to invest in to make something great?" Fear only clouds our intuitive understanding of our own values and priorities. And other people's opinons only lead us to what they would want, not what we would want.

To each her own. I love this quote about how to figure out what is best for you:

That young lady was profound, and very beautiful. WOW!!!