Is being single THAT bad?
- Thread starter jupitermoon
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jupitermoon
New Member
Celina! I missed what you said about having a horse... wow, that is so cool, for real!
Hey, uh, so are you a member of any groups where you could meet other horse enthusiasts?
No. I guess I should look into it.
Bunny77
New Member
Cool! And not just for dating purposes... it would just be good for you to meet some positive people that would probably be very kind and friendly toward you. Hobby groups are usually full of nice folks who are happy to meet other people who share the same interests.
LovelyNaps26
Well-Known Member
Is being single THAT bad?
Why yes the H E L L it is!
People always say that "I'm single by choice" but if that's the case everyone is single by choice. It's always that one psycho man with no teethfus in his mouth that you could probably get to date you. But that's just desperate and that's not cute.
Yes single is that bad. Especially when you've spent time working on yourself to you get to the point where you care comfortable with yourself, and you still don't have any prospects. Yes being single is that bad because eventually you get tired of hugging pillows at night, kissing yourself, and playing with your Mr. B.O.B. Yes it is that bad because sometimes you just wanna share personal intimate details with someone who is not a girl or your father.
Being single is fine for awhile. I have no problem with it, but it gets boring, lonely, and very predictable after awhile. I hate it. Death to being single.
**This rant COULD possibly come from being that time of the month, being 2am and still up and cranky, and realizing that I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of being single. But nevertheless being single is not as people make it cracked up to be. I don't care how much makeup you put on it, a pig is still a pig.**
i really agree with the bolded. there is something nice sharing things about yourself with someone of the opposite sex. the thing is, once you share intimate details the friendship line becomes blurry, hence, this is why after a certain age it's either i won't share things with guys unless there is mutual interest beyond friendship. i wouldn't necessarily say "death to being single"
but i wouldn't shed a tear if i learned tomorrow that my single days were over for the next 50 years.
JustKiya
Well-Known Member
Fascinating thread! I'm in a different position from most of you - I'm older than most of y'all, and I'm in the process of getting a divorce - and looking forward in my life, I'm eager to be single, and seriously, seriously, seriously doubt that I'll ever get married again.
For me - esp. since the urge to be a mother is fading - I don't forsee any man being worth the expectation of intimate interdependence.
Don't get me wrong - I learned a LOT about myself within my marriage, stuff I would have not learned had I stayed single. Knowing these things about myself, however, makes me pretty certain that I would never be fully happy as a wife, and maybe not even as a girlfriend.
For me - esp. since the urge to be a mother is fading - I don't forsee any man being worth the expectation of intimate interdependence.
Don't get me wrong - I learned a LOT about myself within my marriage, stuff I would have not learned had I stayed single. Knowing these things about myself, however, makes me pretty certain that I would never be fully happy as a wife, and maybe not even as a girlfriend.
BillsBackerz67
Well-Known Member
^^^^^Kiya? I didnt know you were divorcing 
.
.honey, waiting on someone to validate you will only leave you in a worse place than you are right now, for months I was seeking a man to validate me, instead of doing that for myself and it was a HOT MESS. I do agree that self-acceptance will lead to many other things, it's just doing it that's hard, but it is still doable. What you need to do is to totally focus on what's going on around you at the moment and define who you are for the moment.
Who are you?
What do I like to do and why?
What do I believe in and why?
you said you know why you have low self-esteem, well what is it about you that keeps you being a victim; we are our own worst enemy and if this is the case then it sounds like your ego is being fed off of pain. You need to train your ego and connect it to your inner most, pure desires. The function of the ego is to want until it bursts, imagine if you paired that with what you really wanted in your heart, the results would be endless! Instead of having your ego focused on this pain and self-pitying, feed it with the feeling you get when you do something enjoyable, tell yourself that your going to accept yourself and everytime you have a negative thought immediately follow it through with a positive one and it gets easier and easier everyday.
If you do seek a therapist, I think you would benefit from a cognitive based one, for you need to change the way you think and then you can change what do..
BillsBackerz67
Well-Known Member
I am in a fairly new relationship. I think he is awesome and I can see myself with him for a long time. However, somedays I do miss being single. Just as far as being able to do what I want when I want...... and talk to whomever I want
When I was single I was never the type to long for marriage or kids because I always had these dreams and plans that weren't conducive to that type of lifestyle anyway. So it was never a big priority to hurry up and meet someone. I was always preoccupied with SOMETHING that didnt leave me time to long for or feel like I was missing out by not having a boyfriend.
If it doesnt work out with my SO I will be disappointed and highly doubt if I'll pursue another relationship for a very long time.
When I was single I was never the type to long for marriage or kids because I always had these dreams and plans that weren't conducive to that type of lifestyle anyway. So it was never a big priority to hurry up and meet someone. I was always preoccupied with SOMETHING that didnt leave me time to long for or feel like I was missing out by not having a boyfriend.
If it doesnt work out with my SO I will be disappointed and highly doubt if I'll pursue another relationship for a very long time.
Omg! I just read what happened to you in highschool and girl I thought it was me.
I was called fat and ugly in highschool and ugly now in college and I have acne, however I don't think I'm ugly and not everyone thinks I'm ugly. I realised that what people were seeing in me wasn't physical ugliness, but internal ugliness, they saw the low self-esteem and unfortunately people instead of recognizing it as something to help they attack it instead, low self-esteem doesn't look good on anyone, I would look at others that were similar in looks to me, however they didnt get the same treatment I got, why? they had a healthy self-esteem or were better at hiding it.
I was called fat and ugly in highschool and ugly now in college and I have acne, however I don't think I'm ugly and not everyone thinks I'm ugly. I realised that what people were seeing in me wasn't physical ugliness, but internal ugliness, they saw the low self-esteem and unfortunately people instead of recognizing it as something to help they attack it instead, low self-esteem doesn't look good on anyone, I would look at others that were similar in looks to me, however they didnt get the same treatment I got, why? they had a healthy self-esteem or were better at hiding it.
BroadstreetBully
New Member
Thank you for sharing this. I think some people eventually come to this realization, and it seems like it is usually men. It is interesting to see that some women can also start to feel this way.
JustKiya
Well-Known Member
^^^^^Kiya? I didnt know you were divorcing
He's a great guy. I'm an awesome woman. It's just thT the areas that we fail in (innate to us) are areas that are critically important to the other within a relationship. It's a very mutually amicable process, and I am thankful to have experienced the last ten years with him. But by the gods, I'm SOOOO looking forward to being alone, again.
It's funny, because I've been told that my 'emotional logic' is often more classically masculine than feminine - I very often 'think like a man'.
So, yeah - it's interesting, because you so rarely hear any negatives about the life-long bachelor compared to the 'stuff' a life-long bachelorette hears, despite the fact that I think marriage often changes a womans life and priorities more than it changes the mans. *shrug* I acknowledge it's largely socialization, but it's a fascinating dichotomy to me.Well, then I'm happy for you...but what do you think about the reading you did with Lisa?
JustKiya
Well-Known Member
Huh! I need to go and reread it - from what I remember now, it's interesting as May was our last 'good' month, so to speak. I'll have to get back to you on that.
ETA: yeah, it's interesting, as that comment about may was really the only time she mentioned C. And, well, to be honest, the fact that I was barely around him made May kinda - nice. I still love him, by love ain't enough of a reason to be with someone.
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azuquita_morena
New Member
I put "yes" I am truly happy being alone right now. Now, if you would have asked me 10 or even 5 years ago, I would have been upset if someone told me that I wouldn't be married at age 25. I had a different mindset then. I wanted to go to undergrad, find my FH, get married, pursued a career then later in the become a stay at home mom. Now, while I still want to get married and be a stay at home mom, I definitely like the fact that I can have my 20s and most of my 30s to myself. I want to get myself together financially, pursue higher education, travel the world (well as much as I can), and etc. Basically I want to do "me", because I hadn't been able to such until now. I notice none of the women in my family except one has been able to do that, and the ones that didn't seem to have the most regrets. I feel I still have a lot of soul searching and "finding myself" to do. I really don't think I am ready to be committed to anyone right now, and I'm ok with that.
BroadstreetBully
New Member
He's a great guy. I'm an awesome woman. It's just thT the areas that we fail in (innate to us) are areas that are critically important to the other within a relationship. It's a very mutually amicable process, and I am thankful to have experienced the last ten years with him. But by the gods, I'm SOOOO looking forward to being alone, again.
It's funny, because I've been told that my 'emotional logic' is often more classically masculine than feminine - I very often 'think like a man'.
When you really think about it, it seems like it would make more sense for a woman to embrace life-long bachelorette-hood
, especially now that we can actually have careers and take care of ourselves. We'd only have to cook for ourselves, and clean up after ourselves, and go on a bunch of (free) dates without a commitment. Men will give up the goods with little convincing. We don't have to put our own goals on hold to support theirs. Hmmm... Men better wake up and recognize.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
caribeandiva
Human being
Sometimes I'm happy being single but I'm beginning to like single hood less and less. I am single by choice because I need to work on myself. I've never been in a serious relationship because I let fear control me. Now I finally feel mature enough to handle a relationship.
fletgee
Well-Known Member
MichelleMyBelle
Well-Known Member
The only thing that sucks about being single for me is not making love on a regular basis...yeah, that's about it.
Nina_deF
Well-Known Member
You took the words right out of my head.
I am NOT wife/gf material, too bad it took me so long to fully realize this, even though I had this feeling when I was younger.
I am a mother and finally feel that I am through wanting more so all that is done.
The only sad thing is that people tend to pity me when I say that I am truely not looking for that "special someone" and content living my life alone. It seems to be taboo not to want the conventional two-some.
I am looking forward to living my life, semi-drama free, with me, myself and I (and my children of course)!
ETA:
Oh yeah, the sex thing.
On the goodside, men are sluts and rarely say no, on the badside, men are sluts and rarely say no.
This might be a problem.
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Ballerina_Bun
Well-Known Member
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Ladybelle
New Member
When you really think about it, it seems like it would make more sense for a woman to embrace life-long bachelorette-hood
Hej Hej
Nina-Def … your post is a breath of fresh air. Women should be able to make what ever decisions they want, without having to hear the following:
1. What’s wrong with you. Were you hurt that bad?
2. You will miss out?
3. This isn’t the life GOD … GAAWWDDDDD intended for you. Maybe you need to pray honey.
4. Are you a lesbian?
5. … etc
As long as the decision you make for yourself was made consciously, well thought out and feels right for you, then IT’S RIGHT FOR YOU. People will have to respect that and realize that not everyone has a right to speak in your life.
I do not enjoy being a traditional wife. I do not enjoy being a “regular” girlfriend either. I do not want to be obligated to see you daily or even just a few times a week. I am happy with twice a month or twice a year or once every other year … lol … slightly kidding!
I love my freedom, especially after what happened in No-way! Why would I want to give up my freedom… AGAIN! I can have sex when I want, and if I want to go 3 weeks, 3 months without it, I can, because I don’t have some oversexed, needy man bugging me. I don’t have to answer to anyone.
You hear quite a few women saying, “If I knew then what I knew now, I would not have gotten married.” They SAYYY … marriage is good for men and bad for women. However, for the woman that genuinely want to get married and not just because society and her parents expects it, it takes a great deal of common sense, intuition THAT YOU ACTUALLY LISTEN TO , taking your time to get to know him especially before having sex with him and a good background/criminal check… etc to choose the right Life Partner/Spouse.
I better stop … don’t get me started!
I won't go into too many details, but I agree with all of you ladies 100% and If I get divorced, I highly doubt I would ever marry again. I was just having lunch with of my girlfriends yesterday & she was talking about her life as a single mother. She said it's not half as bad as people make it out to be. She said if a woman with kids can get her finances in order, she can be pretty happy as a single mom & despite popular belief, men & especially intercourse is not that hard to come by. She lives her life as she sees fit & wouldn't have it any other way. I respect that.
All I can really do is repeat what's been stated: if I knew now what I didn't know then, I'd probably still have my maiden name.
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Nina_deF
Well-Known Member
Ladybelle
New Member
I laughed out loud at your post, but you are so right! I appreciate your honesty & candor. I also envy your liberation. **le sigh*** I'm proud of you & all the sisters like you. I'm not 100% resolute in my decision, but I think I'm going to be just like you when I grow up.
Beyond the desire to wed, I think if most women just reached the point where they don't HAVE to have a man nor do they go around trying to figure out the latest formula to obtain one, we would be much happier as a whole.
It's okay to not desire to be married, but it's NOT okay to desire to be married so badly that the mere thought of just being married controls one's existence. The hair stands up on my neck everytime I hear a woman say, " i would be happy if I just had a man." NEWSFLASH:If you ain't happy without a man, sooner or later you aren't going to be happy with one because men no matter how good they are, don't always have the ability to maintain our happiness because that comes from within or at least it should.
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Bunny77
New Member
Asuperwoman, I think it's a whole lot easier to have such a perspective when you have been married and can compare the two and decide that you prefer singleness.
While I agree that one should not spend her waking existence thinking about how much she wants to be married, I also think it's quite unfair for married women (or once married women) to use their experiences to indirectly question the desire of those who've never been married or even had a relationship to be involved in one.
What if someone is happier having a man? Is there anything wrong with that? Just as some people prefer being single, others might be happier with a man. One's happiness shouldn't depend on being in a relationship, but I think it's perfectly fine for a person to say that he or she is much happier when with a partner than without.
It was the most frustrating thing when I was a few years younger to express my desire to marry and have a family, only to hear women who already had those things all but tell me it was overrated (well, not the kids) and that they would do things differently if they had the chance.
Well that's the point. They had the chance. I had not. I would like to see for myself what I prefer.
Hey, maybe five years from now I'll be back and say that I prefer singleness as well.
But at least my choice will be made on actually having been through both.
I know everyone, including those women who shared their thoughts with me in the past, meant well and wanted to protect me from unrealistic expectations. They also wanted me to love myself and appreciate the very full and rich life that I had as a single woman.
That's fine.
But it can be very disheartening to have a natural desire for a relationship/marriage and a yearning for long-term companionship dismissed or treated as if it's going to be taken to an extreme if a woman ends up in such a relationship.
While I agree that one should not spend her waking existence thinking about how much she wants to be married, I also think it's quite unfair for married women (or once married women) to use their experiences to indirectly question the desire of those who've never been married or even had a relationship to be involved in one.
What if someone is happier having a man? Is there anything wrong with that? Just as some people prefer being single, others might be happier with a man. One's happiness shouldn't depend on being in a relationship, but I think it's perfectly fine for a person to say that he or she is much happier when with a partner than without.
It was the most frustrating thing when I was a few years younger to express my desire to marry and have a family, only to hear women who already had those things all but tell me it was overrated (well, not the kids) and that they would do things differently if they had the chance.
Well that's the point. They had the chance. I had not. I would like to see for myself what I prefer.
Hey, maybe five years from now I'll be back and say that I prefer singleness as well.
But at least my choice will be made on actually having been through both.I know everyone, including those women who shared their thoughts with me in the past, meant well and wanted to protect me from unrealistic expectations. They also wanted me to love myself and appreciate the very full and rich life that I had as a single woman.
That's fine.
But it can be very disheartening to have a natural desire for a relationship/marriage and a yearning for long-term companionship dismissed or treated as if it's going to be taken to an extreme if a woman ends up in such a relationship.
Ladybelle
New Member
Asuperwoman, I think it's a whole lot easier to have such a perspective when you have been married and can compare the two and decide that you prefer singleness.
While I agree that one should not spend her waking existence thinking about how much she wants to be married, I also think it's quite unfair for married women (or once married women) to use their experiences to indirectly question the desire of those who've never been married or even had a relationship to be involved in one.
What if someone is happier having a man? Is there anything wrong with that? Just as some people prefer being single, others might be happier with a man. One's happiness shouldn't depend on being in a relationship, but I think it's perfectly fine for a person to say that he or she is much happier when with a partner than without.
It was the most frustrating thing when I was a few years younger to express my desire to marry and have a family, only to hear women who already had those things all but tell me it was overrated (well, not the kids) and that they would do things differently if they had the chance.
Well that's the point. They had the chance. I had not. I would like to see for myself what I prefer.
Hey, maybe five years from now I'll be back and say that I prefer singleness as well.
I know everyone, including those women who shared their thoughts with me in the past, meant well and wanted to protect me from unrealistic expectations. They also wanted me to love myself and appreciate the very full and rich life that I had as a single woman.
That's fine.
But it can be very disheartening to have a natural desire for a relationship/marriage and a yearning for long-term companionship dismissed or treated as if it's going to be taken to an extreme if a woman ends up in such a relationship.
Bunny, maybe you're right. Having been on both sides of the fence, I've learned the hard way that the grass is not greener on the other side. If I could save someone from the heartache I've experienced, I would do that in a heartbeat.
Before I got married, I was much like many other single women: I desired marriage so badly. Like many women, I was also raised to believe that I HAD to get married. Something in my life would be missing despite my many accomplishments if I did not wed.
It's not my intentions to dismiss the feelings of single women on this board or irl (my apologies if anyone was offended) my intentions were only to showcase the importance of being complete in singleness, doing so makes it so much easier to be married. Identity issues in singleness from my experience get the magnifying glass in marriage.
Lastly, this is just how I feel about things right now. I'm sure there are happily married women who will sing the praises of marriage, I'm just not one of them right now. It could just be a phase or it could be permanent, we'll see. It's easier to choose something when you've been given ALL the pros & con's. A blind choice, IMO is the worst kind.
Bunny77
New Member
I think this might be the difference here... see, I wasn't raised that way. Maybe it's a Northern thing... I mean, everyone assumed I would be married, but the main message I got was, "Go to school, travel, get a career, do you and then the man thing will fall into place." I know a lot of other women who had the same experience -- so from that perspective, being told to continue to focus on singleness and stifling any conversation about marriage creates a problem at the opposite end of the spectrum.
I agree with this.
I think I'm much more likely to have a healthy marriage now than I would have if I had married 7-10 years ago. I don't think I needed to get to age 33 to reach that point though... I feel marriage is a bit overdue at this point. 
And I definitely respect and appreciate this opinion.
Ladybelle
New Member
I think this might be the difference here... see, I wasn't raised that way. Maybe it's a Northern thing... I mean, everyone assumed I would be married, but the main message I got was, "Go to school, travel, get a career, do you and then the man thing will fall into place." I know a lot of other women who had the same experience -- so from that perspective, being told to continue to focus on singleness and stifling any conversation about marriage creates a problem at the opposite end of the spectrum.
I agree with this.
And I definitely respect and appreciate this opinion.
And, I yours. You always drop the "truth" of some sort. 
aribell
formerly nicola.kirwan
I've been sleeping on this conversation, but it's so interesting. I think that discerning one's heart is very difficult because we have so much fear. Notice how the issue isn't presented as "What choice will make me happier and a better person?" But instead, it's "If I don't get married now, will I end up lonely and sad?" Or, "If I choose marriage, will I end up feeling stuck and miserable?" We allow our fear of a negative outcome to drive our choices rather than sitting back, looking at our lives and asking, "Now really, what has produced goodness in my life? What path am I willing to invest in to make something great?" Fear only clouds our intuitive understanding of our own values and priorities. And other people's opinons only lead us to what they would want, not what we would want.
To each her own. I love this quote about how to figure out what is best for you:
To each her own. I love this quote about how to figure out what is best for you:
WWNH said:
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