Why are a large % of black women unmarried?

[Overjoyed]

I am a 36 year old woman educated, fairly attractive, self-sufficient, but for the life of me I cannot find a decent man. I sincerely desire to be married, but unfortunately it is an issue beyond my control. I haven't given up, but I have put it on the back burner because I do believe when the time is right God will bless me with a good man.

I have a male friend who is 36 years old who constantly complains that he does not fit the criteria of what the average black women is looking for. He claims that "us" black women overlook him because he is overweight, does not drive the right car, make enough money, wear the right clothes or say the right things. I have told him numerous times that we are all entitled to have a choice of who we are attracted to whether it is right or wrong to others.

About 2 weeks ago I was shopping and I saw a white man wandering around the store who I thought was a mentally challenged patient from a group home or something. He wasn't dressed the best nor was he in the best physical shape and he looked as if he got straight out of bed. When I went to pay for my purchases I noticed there was a fairly decent looking white woman on line with him and I realized they were a couple when he kissed her on her forehead and she put her head on his shoulder. As I watched them and listened to their conversatioin while waiting on line I realized that there was nothing wrong with him....he was just plain unattractive.

As I drove home I thought about on how many occasions I have seen very attractive white women with not so attractive white men, which leads me to the question: Are there a high percentage of black single, unmarried black woman because we are too critical of physical appearance? Are some of us umarried because if it's not pleasing to the eye then we will go no further to find out more about the man? I can honestly attest that if a man is not physically my type I just won't bother.....why? because aside from other qualities I have to like what I am looking at.


Ladies what are your opinions on this issue?

 

[Bunny77]

I am a 36 year old woman educated, fairly attractive, self-sufficient, but for the life of me I cannot find a decent man. I sincerely desire to be married, but unfortunately it is an issue beyond my control. I haven't given up, but I have put it on the back burner because I do believe when the time is right God will bless me with a good man.

Hey, come visit this thread on the Christian forum... I think it's right up your alley and DON'T let the title turn you off!

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=165501

I have a male friend who is 36 years old who constantly complains that he does not fit the criteria of what the average black women is looking for. He claims that "us" black women overlook him because he is overweight, does not drive the right car, make enough money, wear the right clothes or say the right things. I have told him numerous times that we are all entitled to have a choice of who we are attracted to whether it is right or wrong to others.

I agree with you... and I think it's a cop out to say that he doesn't fit the criteria "most" black women want. Is he open to dating an overweight black woman? Does he want a "dyme" but is mad when he's being judged?

Are there a high percentage of black single, unmarried black woman because we are too critical of physical appearance? Are some of us umarried because if it's not pleasing to the eye then we will go no further to find out more about the man?

Nope... don't believe the hype. We black single women probably overanalyze ourselves more than any other group of people and are told to settle for "less" than we want and we still have low rates of marriage. Perhaps it's because a lot of black folks simply aren't getting married period, not because of having standards.

Now, if you'll only date chocolate brown 6'3"+, Ph.Ds with muscles and Benzes, then yeah, you might be too critical. But look, I know that I try to keep myself looking decent and have my **** together, so why shouldn't I want a man who does the same?

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

I belive a large % of black men are in jail have been or killed early or we lack anything in common if a ugly dude was nice and treated me with respect i am sure i could be attaracted to him

 

[Overjoyed]

Hey, come visit this thread on the Christian forum... I think it's right up your alley and DON'T let the title turn you off!

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=165501



I agree with you... and I think it's a cop out to say that he doesn't fit the criteria "most" black women want. Is he open to dating an overweight black woman? Does he want a "dyme" but is mad when he's being judged?



Nope... don't believe the hype. We black single women probably overanalyze ourselves more than any other group of people and are told to settle for "less" than we want and we still have low rates of marriage. Perhaps it's because a lot of black folks simply aren't getting married period, not because of having standards.

Now, if you'll only date chocolate brown 6'3"+, Ph.Ds with muscles and Benzes, then yeah, you might be too critical. But look, I know that I try to keep myself looking decent and have my **** together, so why shouldn't I want a man who does the same?

Points well takennotworthy:notworthy I agree with you completely on everything.

 

[Farida]

I do believe several people pass potential SOs just based on appearance. Years ago I met this guy and he was not attractive to me at all. I would never have given him a second look. I thought he was funny-looking. I had classes with him and I got to know him really well and day by day I started to become more and more attracted to him, even physically. I learned an important lesson, even though he ended up not being interested in me.

 

[Bunny77]

^^^Yeah, a lot of us might overlook potential SOs because of looks.

I think though, to say that a large percentage of black women are unmarried because they're focused on looks really isn't true. (I know you didn't say that vivimako)

I think there's someone for everyone... someone's ugly might be hot to someone else.

 

[Overjoyed]

I do believe several people pass potential SOs just based on appearance. Years ago I met this guy and he was not attractive to me at all. I would never have given him a second look. I thought he was funny-looking. I had classes with him and I got to know him really well and day by day I started to become more and more attracted to him, even physically. I learned an important lesson, even though he ended up not being interested in me.

Vivmaiko,

I believe this is a serious issue with black women where I live(New York).

 

[Overjoyed]

^^^Yeah, a lot of us might overlook potential SOs because of looks.

I think though, to say that a large percentage of black women are unmarried because they're focused on looks really isn't true. (I know you didn't say that vivimako)

I think there's someone for everyone... someone's ugly might be hot to someone else.

"Every pot has a lid"

 

[Farida]

I have this prof who proves that saying ^^. Him and his wife are so bizarre.

 

[Syrah]

I belive a large % of black men are in jail have been or killed early or we lack anything in common if a ugly dude was nice and treated me with respect i am sure i could be attaracted to him

You really believe that a large percentage of black men are in jail???

 

[Syrah]

I blame black men and black women. I blame the single black women of yester-year raising dependent momma's boys, who were treated as surrogate significant others when THEIR men took off, that don't know how to truly function in relationships. They want to be the man in the relationship, "make the decisions", "be head of household" but want the responsibilities that come along with that title. I blame the black men who view a woman's attempt at financial stability as a woman who's "trying to be a man" - because she's educated, paid and financially savvy.

AND I blame black women for thinking that an education, good job and self sufficient lifestyle (own car, own house, pays her own bills - like thats something to brag about) as GROUNDS for a successful relationship. We talk about this "independent" woman stuff - but independence does not make for a good relationship, because relationships by default are CO-Dependent. Being educated and financially savvy while being supportive and nurturing are NOT mutually exclusive...and we "independent" black women have yet to figure that out.

In any relationship there are roles and players. To be in a relationship, you have to be willing to play those roles. And THIS is where we go wrong.

 

[treybaby2005]

You really believe that a large percentage of black men are in jail???

absolutely

 

[mrsjohnson75]

I think a lot of women meet men who they think are "too nice" and they miss out on some good men. I almost did.

 

[Syrah]

absolutely

How many men in your extended family are in jail? (none of mine).
What about your friend's families (those that you know of)?

The thing is, the media has us believing that there are more black men in jail than those that are employed. Don't give me wrong, way too many black men are in jail - IMO, one is way to many.

But that simply isn't the case.

There are 35.1 MM black folks in this country. Let's say that half of those folks are over age 18. That's 17.55MM people. If half of those folks are black men - and half of the black are in jail - that means there are 4 MM black men in jail.

Are you sure that's what you believe?? 4 MILLION black men in jail???

 

[MizAvalon]

I think a lot of women meet men who they think are "too nice" and they miss out on some good men. I almost did.

I honestly believe that most blacks do not marry because in our community marriage and building nuclear families is not a priority. My parents were married in 1970. There wasn't another marriage until 22 years later when their son was married. A total of 4 marriages in almost FORTY YEARS. Plenty of kids and shacking up though.erplexed

Did anyone see the MTV "True Life:Arranged Marriage" that was on a couple of weeks ago? Those cultures make building families a priority. I really dug that.

 

[Overjoyed]

I blame black men and black women. I blame the single black women of yester-year raising dependent momma's boys, who were treated as surrogate significant others when THEIR men took off, that don't know how to truly function in relationships. They want to be the man in the relationship, "make the decisions", "be head of household" but want the responsibilities that come along with that title. I blame the black men who view a woman's attempt at financial stability as a woman who's "trying to be a man" - because she's educated, paid and financially savvy.

AND I blame black women for thinking that an education, good job and self sufficient lifestyle (own car, own house, pays her own bills - like thats something to brag about) as GROUNDS for a successful relationship. We talk about this "independent" woman stuff - but independence does not make for a good relationship, because relationships by default are CO-Dependent. Being educated and financially savvy while being supportive and nurturing are NOT mutually exclusive...and we "independent" black women have yet to figure that out.

In any relationship there are roles and players. To be in a relationship, you have to be willing to play those roles. And THIS is where we go wrong.

MsNadi,

It so funny you say this because I was speaking to one of male friend's best friend and he basically stated what you said as the reason why I do not have a man. I find that men do automatically assume because I am educated, have a nice car, pay my own bills and don't ask for anything that my intent is to rule the roost, which is not the case.

 

[dlewis]

About 2 weeks ago I was shopping and I saw a white man wandering around the store who I thought was a mentally challenged patient from a group home or something. He wasn't dressed the best nor was he in the best physical shape and he looked as if he got straight out of bed. When I went to pay for my purchases I noticed there was a fairly decent looking white woman on line with him and I realized they were a couple when he kissed her on her forehead and she put her head on his shoulder. As I watched them and listened to their conversatioin while waiting on line I realized that there was nothing wrong with him....he was just plain unattractive.

Ladies what are your opinions on this issue?

I wonder what you'll think of my husband.

 

[Overjoyed]

I honestly believe that most blacks do not marry because in our community marriage and building nuclear families is not a priority. My parents were married in 1970. There wasn't another marriage until 22 years later when their son was married. A total of 4 marriages in almost FORTY YEARS. Plenty of kids and shacking up though.erplexed

Did anyone see the MTV "True Life:Arranged Marriage" that was on a couple of weeks ago? Those cultures make building families a priority. I really dug that.

I saw that episode of True Life about the arranged marriages. It was interesting to see how the younger generation follow their culture even if they are Americanized.

 

[Overjoyed]

I wonder what you'll think of my husband.

LMAO!!! When I realized there was nothing wrong with him I said to myself "you really have a nerve considering you can't even get a man""

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

How many men in your extended family are in jail? (none of mine).
What about your friend's families (those that you know of)?

The thing is, the media has us believing that there are more black men in jail than those that are employed. Don't give me wrong, way too many black men are in jail - IMO, one is way to many.

But that simply isn't the case.

There are 35.1 MM black folks in this country. Let's say that half of those folks are over age 18. That's 17.55MM people. If half of those folks are black men - and half of the black are in jail - that means there are 4 MM black men in jail.

Are you sure that's what you believe?? 4 MILLION black men in jail???

4 million out of 35 million is still 11%. It's not like that's the majority, but I think its a significantly high number. It's not that that far-fetched to me.

An aside: I don't know the exact facts and figures, but I do know the prison industry is booming, and a lot of our men comparative to other groups are going in.

I think it could be the case that among certain age demographics they % can be relatively high. My friend is a criminologist and I believe that most offenders are in a certain age range, let's say 18-25. For women in that age range, it may seem like an overwhelming amount of Black men are in jail, compared to other age demos.

And putting into consideration those who cycles in and out of jail, on probation, parole, and/or are currently involved in illegal activities but haven't gotten caught up yet, I could get with the 11%. It's roughly 1 out of every 10 Black men.

 

[CurleeDST]

You are SO on point w/ this post. I have 2 advance degrees, am in management at my place of employment, have almost a fully staffed department I am responsible for and am very independent. I lived on my own, took care of myself, paid my own bills and lived the life of Riley.

Met my hubby who was single, very well paid, nicely employed on the fast track at his job. I didn't know this about him when I met him but I asked him one critical question - "do you know how to make a decision" and his answer to that was priceless. We have been inseperable ever since!

He told me the criteria women look for in a man are NOT the same things a man looks for in a woman. If a man wants to LIVE OFF OF A WOMAN he is very concerned with how much money she makes but if a man wants a true life partner he is looking for a nurturer, someone who wants to have a family, someone who can cook (so he knows his children aren't eating McDonald's every night when he isn't around) and someone with some common sense!

He says many single black women think that while they have done exceptionally well with earning degrees and climbing the corporate ladder - those skills that help them excel there are the same ones that help them excel in relationships and it isn't. And bottom line, if you are independent - you need not have to say it. A man would be able to see it plainly in how you are living! Too many women wear that on their sleeve and it can be somewhat of a turn off. He also said too many women, with their egos, think a man is easily intimidated by them. Not the case most times. Some women can be confrontational about their accomplishments which is a turn off.

Men who are babied by their mammies is an issue for us women! Many men are immature boys in a man's body who do not know how to take care of themselves or live on their own. Or some are so stuck in believing there is a shortage of black men - they just want to have their cake and eat it too.

So there are reasons on BOTH SIDES why there are so many unmarried young black men and women. Also we TEND not to get married straight outta high school like so many of our white counterparts.

I blame black men and black women. I blame the single black women of yester-year raising dependent momma's boys, who were treated as surrogate significant others when THEIR men took off, that don't know how to truly function in relationships. They want to be the man in the relationship, "make the decisions", "be head of household" but want the responsibilities that come along with that title. I blame the black men who view a woman's attempt at financial stability as a woman who's "trying to be a man" - because she's educated, paid and financially savvy.

AND I blame black women for thinking that an education, good job and self sufficient lifestyle (own car, own house, pays her own bills - like thats something to brag about) as GROUNDS for a successful relationship. We talk about this "independent" woman stuff - but independence does not make for a good relationship, because relationships by default are CO-Dependent. Being educated and financially savvy while being supportive and nurturing are NOT mutually exclusive...and we "independent" black women have yet to figure that out.

In any relationship there are roles and players. To be in a relationship, you have to be willing to play those roles. And THIS is where we go wrong.

 

[longhairlover]

Overjoyed I agree with Black people are too critical. I am Black but to other people they think i'm some other race, I have never had a problem getting men and good men. On the other hand my friends have hard times because I guess they don't look foreign enough.

It's annoying that most guys I have met when I was dating were more intrigued on my ethnicity. Black people have too many hangups with race, color and looks.

You are right an ugly white woman will still end up getting married but a black women will be single if she is allegedly hard on the eyes. Looks shouldn't matter.

Also I don't think black women have many options in the male dept. either and/or they are always picking the wrong men. I have friends that like the thugs, want a man that doesn't have a job.

I am married and still in my twenties but only because I changed the criteria of the men that I was attracted to. My husband is black but not your so called "typical" black man (no slang language, no jail record).

We as black women need to up our standards in men and we will prosper in the love dept. and end up married to a good and loving man.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

He told me the criteria women look for in a man are NOT the same things a man looks for in a woman. If a man wants to LIVE OFF OF A WOMAN he is very concerned with how much money she makes but if a man wants a true life partner he is looking for a nurturer, someone who wants to have a family, someone who can cook (so he knows his children aren't eating McDonald's every night when he isn't around) and someone with some common sense!

He says many single black women think that while they have done exceptionally well with earning degrees and climbing the corporate ladder - those skills that help them excel there are the same ones that help them excel in relationships and it isn't. And bottom line, if you are independent - you need not have to say it. A man would be able to see it plainly in how you are living! Too many women wear that on their sleeve and it can be somewhat of a turn off. He also said too many women, with their egos, think a man is easily intimidated by them. Not the case most times. Some women can be confrontational about their accomplishments which is a turn off.

This is really interesting for me. This is not directed at this particular poster, but this post made the think a little bit about my own experience, which I would like to speak to. I'm not going to doubt that some women may flaunt around their degrees.... But here is my experience. I fell on the "career track" because 1. I've always been a good student 2. Opportunities to date and marry and be the "family oriented woman" I want to be just haven't came about for me yet. I would love to be a wife and a mother and make some man my king, but, part of my experience has been that I fell into the "career fast track" by default, because of lack of options (that wanted to be chosen).

It's a catch 22. I am under no illusion that a stellar career automatically means I'm a desired partner in a relationship. Matter fact, I do what I do with my career because of the family I desire someday, and not that I don't want it. I acknowledge that my relationship skills may be underdeveloped because of focus on my career. That's fine. I also acknowledge that sometimes my life is such that careers and such ends up being the conversation piece by default because it's a source of pride for me, in lieu of the relationship/family I'd like to have that hasn't materialized.

For me, some of this is a circular argument. Do I want to be the kind of woman a man desires, one that can take care of family, cooks, cleans, etc.? Absolutely. Have I had the opportunity to work on those skills? Not as much as I would desire. Being that I haven't had those opportunities, what is left? My career.

I think part of it, for me, is to be able to find a man who's willing to work with me on that part. I'm still a major work in progress, but I have the willingness to learn and do things "right." And oftentimes, men look the other way at the first mention of what I do for a living, as if that is all I aspire to, and it's certainly not, or even what I most prize in life. I could give a damn about being career woman of the year, but that's the box others have drawn for me, and lacking a partner, it's the area in life in which I can realize some sort of progression for myself.

I really look forward to being a loving wife and mother and working on my relationship skills in the future, if truly given the opportunity. I just haven't had that experience yet, so I guess I fall under this category of "non-feminine," egocentric, career-driven women, let someone else tell it.

I don't know why a large number of black women are unmarried. It probably has to do with a dozen different things, both individual and societal level. For me, a large part has been finding a man who truly wants to be in there with me for the long haul, be patient with me, see past my flaws, and love me regardless. I haven't met that man yet.

 

[MizAvalon]

This is really interesting for me. This is not directed at this particular poster, but this post made the think a little bit about my own experience, which I would like to speak to. I'm not going to doubt that some women may flaunt around their degrees.... But here is my experience. I fell on the "career track" because 1. I've always been a good student 2. Opportunities to date and marry and be the "family oriented woman" I want to be just haven't came about for me yet. I would love to be a wife and a mother and make some man my king, but, part of my experience has been that I fell into the "career fast track" by default, because of lack of options (that wanted to be chosen).

It's a catch 22. I am under no illusion that a stellar career automatically means I'm a desired partner in a relationship. Matter fact, I do what I do with my career because of the family I desire someday, and not that I don't want it. I acknowledge that my relationship skills may be underdeveloped because of focus on my career. That's fine. I also acknowledge that sometimes my life is such that careers and such ends up being the conversation piece by default because it's a source of pride for me, in lieu of the relationship/family I'd like to have that hasn't materialized.

For me, some of this is a circular argument. Do I want to be the kind of woman a man desires, one that can take care of family, cooks, cleans, etc.? Absolutely. Have I had the opportunity to work on those skills? Not as much as I would desire. Being that I haven't had those opportunities, what is left? My career.

I think part of it, for me, is to be able to find a man who's willing to work with me on that part. I'm still a major work in progress, but I have the willingness to learn and do things "right." And oftentimes, men look the other way at the first mention of what I do for a living, as if that is all I aspire to, and it's certainly not, or even what I most prize in life. I could give a damn about being career woman of the year, but that's the box others have drawn for me, and lacking a partner, it's the area in life in which I can realize some sort of progression for myself.

I really look forward to being a loving wife and mother and working on my relationship skills in the future, if truly given the opportunity. I just haven't had that experience yet, so I guess I fall under this category of "non-feminine," egocentric, career-driven women, let someone else tell it.

I don't know why a large number of black women are unmarried. It probably has to do with a dozen different things, both individual and societal level. For me, a large part has been finding a man who truly wants to be in there with me for the long haul, be patient with me, see past my flaws, and love me regardless. I haven't met that man yet.

What a brave post. You'll definitely find what you're looking for in the romantic dept. with that positive attitude you have.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Overjoyed I agree with Black people are too critical. I am Black but to other people they think i'm some other race, I have never had a problem getting men and good men. On the other hand my friends have hard times because I guess they don't look foreign enough.

It's annoying that most guys I have met when I was dating were more intrigued on my ethnicity. Black people have too many hangups with race, color and looks.

You are right an ugly white woman will still end up getting married but a black women will be single if she is allegedly hard on the eyes. Looks shouldn't matter.

Also I don't think black women have many options in the male dept. either and/or they are always picking the wrong men. I have friends that like the thugs, want a man that doesn't have a job.

I am married and still in my twenties but only because I changed the criteria of the men that I was attracted to. My husband is black but not your so called "typical" black man (no slang language, no jail record).

We as black women need to up our standards in men and we will prosper in the love dept. and end up married to a good and loving man.

I was truly enjoying the perspectives of the posters in this thread until I got to yours. Dont get me wrong, I'm not being disrespectful, it's just that I am lost on the intent of your post if that makes any sense. I may be the only one but I'm just a wee bit confused on your message.

 

[Kurlee]

This is really interesting for me. This is not directed at this particular poster, but this post made the think a little bit about my own experience, which I would like to speak to. I'm not going to doubt that some women may flaunt around their degrees.... But here is my experience. I fell on the "career track" because 1. I've always been a good student 2. Opportunities to date and marry and be the "family oriented woman" I want to be just haven't came about for me yet. I would love to be a wife and a mother and make some man my king, but, part of my experience has been that I fell into the "career fast track" by default, because of lack of options (that wanted to be chosen).

It's a catch 22. I am under no illusion that a stellar career automatically means I'm a desired partner in a relationship. Matter fact, I do what I do with my career because of the family I desire someday, and not that I don't want it. I acknowledge that my relationship skills may be underdeveloped because of focus on my career. That's fine. I also acknowledge that sometimes my life is such that careers and such ends up being the conversation piece by default because it's a source of pride for me, in lieu of the relationship/family I'd like to have that hasn't materialized.

For me, some of this is a circular argument. Do I want to be the kind of woman a man desires, one that can take care of family, cooks, cleans, etc.? Absolutely. Have I had the opportunity to work on those skills? Not as much as I would desire. Being that I haven't had those opportunities, what is left? My career.

I think part of it, for me, is to be able to find a man who's willing to work with me on that part. I'm still a major work in progress, but I have the willingness to learn and do things "right." And oftentimes, men look the other way at the first mention of what I do for a living, as if that is all I aspire to, and it's certainly not, or even what I most prize in life. I could give a damn about being career woman of the year, but that's the box others have drawn for me, and lacking a partner, it's the area in life in which I can realize some sort of progression for myself.

I really look forward to being a loving wife and mother and working on my relationship skills in the future, if truly given the opportunity. I just haven't had that experience yet, so I guess I fall under this category of "non-feminine," egocentric, career-driven women, let someone else tell it.

I don't know why a large number of black women are unmarried. It probably has to do with a dozen different things, both individual and societal level. For me, a large part has been finding a man who truly wants to be in there with me for the long haul, be patient with me, see past my flaws, and love me regardless. I haven't met that man yet.

Thanks for posting this sunshine! I love it when people are honest with their posting. I sincerely hope u get what u want out of life. In the meantime, keep making that $$$

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

What a brave post. You'll definitely find what you're looking for in the romantic dept. with that positive attitude you have.

Thanks girl, I appreciate it. I get depressed very often about why I haven't met that somebody and married, and then, extra depressed when I have to fight and combat all day every day with feeling unloved and unappreciated, and with nowhere to turn and no one to understand. I feel hopeless sometimes, but I really do hope that some man can really see my heart, and my career advancement has everything to do with family-building, and not with wanting to be "the man" in a relationship.

I suspect, no I know, that there are lots of Black women who are in my shoes, smart, career-oriented, with beautiful spirits. I may not be the best cook, but I can damn sure read a recipe. And I may not be the best housekeeper, but hey, I can hire out.

I get tired of being put on the defensive in these discussions when it always systematically seem falls down on us doing something wrong, and it's just not even half of what's really going on.

 

[glam-]

This is really interesting for me. This is not directed at this particular poster, but this post made the think a little bit about my own experience, which I would like to speak to. I'm not going to doubt that some women may flaunt around their degrees.... But here is my experience. I fell on the "career track" because 1. I've always been a good student 2. Opportunities to date and marry and be the "family oriented woman" I want to be just haven't came about for me yet. I would love to be a wife and a mother and make some man my king, but, part of my experience has been that I fell into the "career fast track" by default, because of lack of options (that wanted to be chosen).

It's a catch 22. I am under no illusion that a stellar career automatically means I'm a desired partner in a relationship. Matter fact, I do what I do with my career because of the family I desire someday, and not that I don't want it. I acknowledge that my relationship skills may be underdeveloped because of focus on my career. That's fine. I also acknowledge that sometimes my life is such that careers and such ends up being the conversation piece by default because it's a source of pride for me, in lieu of the relationship/family I'd like to have that hasn't materialized.

For me, some of this is a circular argument. Do I want to be the kind of woman a man desires, one that can take care of family, cooks, cleans, etc.? Absolutely. Have I had the opportunity to work on those skills? Not as much as I would desire. Being that I haven't had those opportunities, what is left? My career.

I think part of it, for me, is to be able to find a man who's willing to work with me on that part. I'm still a major work in progress, but I have the willingness to learn and do things "right." And oftentimes, men look the other way at the first mention of what I do for a living, as if that is all I aspire to, and it's certainly not, or even what I most prize in life. I could give a damn about being career woman of the year, but that's the box others have drawn for me, and lacking a partner, it's the area in life in which I can realize some sort of progression for myself.

I really look forward to being a loving wife and mother and working on my relationship skills in the future, if truly given the opportunity. I just haven't had that experience yet, so I guess I fall under this category of "non-feminine," egocentric, career-driven women, let someone else tell it.

I don't know why a large number of black women are unmarried. It probably has to do with a dozen different things, both individual and societal level. For me, a large part has been finding a man who truly wants to be in there with me for the long haul, be patient with me, see past my flaws, and love me regardless. I haven't met that man yet.

Love this post, sunshinebeautiful. I totally relate

 

[Overjoyed]

Thanks girl, I appreciate it. I get depressed very often about why I haven't met that somebody and married, and then, extra depressed when I have to fight and combat all day every day with feeling unloved and unappreciated, and with nowhere to turn and no one to understand. I feel hopeless sometimes, but I really do hope that some man can really see my heart, and my career advancement has everything to do with family-building, and not with wanting to be "the man" in a relationship.

I suspect, no I know, that there are lots of Black women who are in my shoes, smart, career-oriented, with beautiful spirits. I may not be the best cook, but I can damn sure read a recipe. And I may not be the best housekeeper, but hey, I can hire out.

I get tired of being put on the defensive in these discussions when it always systematically seem falls down on us doing something wrong, and it's just not even half of what's really going on.

notworthy:notworthy

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Are we not about our business when it comes to marriage? Why is it that most of my white friends and colleagues are engaged or married and they are younger or the same age as me? Why is it that many of the eligible white men that I meet in my age group are married? Are black women not being taught to pursue a relationship that leads to marriage? I know for me, I didn't really start thinking about marriage until a year or so ago, in my mid-twenties. That puts me behind the curve at this point.

Fortunately, I have not given up or lost hope, even though it gets rough. I feel a lot of us would make great wives and are a catch, but maybe we weren't thinking about the future as soon as we should have? Just thoughts. . .