Black Women are the least desirable?

[Bunny77]

Before this thread gets locked, I just wanted to say this...

I understand where a lot of you are coming from in saying these threads don't need to be on a board that affirm positivity for black women. That's one of the reasons I've been a member so long -- because it's usually an escape from the "black women are undesirable/why are black men all with white women" threads that dominate nearly every other black women's board I visit. The less we talk about this, the healthier we'll ALL be.

That being said, CherryCherryBoomBoom is a teenager, from what I remember, and I saw her post differently than I would anyone else's. I thought the best option was NOT to debate the issue of whether black women are or aren't the least desirable, but encourage a different way of thinking about it that enforced positivity about black women. Usually I don't respond to these threads (unless I feel like being snarky), but I like CCBB and I understood what she was trying to do.

 

[MzLady78]

I'm really sorry ladies, I realise that making this thread wasn't such a great idea . Still, I think I have enough satisfactory replies now. Mods, feel free to lock this thread if you so wish

I don't necessarily think it needs to be locked, and I wasn't trying to be harsh, I hope you know that.

I just feel like we get bombarded with so many negative messages about BW in the outside world that I can do without it here. There are women on this board that are really struggling with their self-esteem and their self worth. It doesn't help to log on here and see all these threads and statistics about how undesirable we supposedly are, or how most of us are doomed to die alone. That's all I'm saying. It's a downer.

 

[CherryCherryBoomBoom]

I don't necessarily think it needs to be locked, and I wasn't trying to be harsh, I hope you know that.

I just feel like we get bombarded with so many negative messages about BW in the outside world that I can do without it here. There are women on this board that are really struggling with their self-esteem and their self worth. It doesn't help to log on here and see all these threads and statistics about how undesirable we supposedly are, or how most of us are doomed to die alone. That's all I'm saying. It's a downer.

Yes, I totally understand you. I'm sorry if this thread of mine did offend anyone, I wasn't intentionally trying to maliciously hurt anyone, or cause controversy for the sake of it. I really do love how generally positive this board is towards Black Women, and I didn't mean to disrupt that. I myself struggle with self-esteem issues, and I suppose I just thought I wanted to get some answers and more opinions, that's all.

Anyway, since I have read that many of you do have happy loving marriages/relationships, and/or get lots attention from men, it's probably more of a problem with just me than anything else (another topic ).

 

[Kurlee]

i understand how some feel, but it is not beneficial to be in denial about the current state of affairs. It is what it is. We need to be aware of reality and confident enough to tackle it and discuss it.

 

[MzLady78]

i understand how some feel, but it is not beneficial to be in denial about the current state of affairs. It is what it is. We need to be aware of reality and confident enough to tackle it and discuss it.

Ok, but in this situation, what is there really to tackle?

If Todd or Julio ain't checking for me, what the hell am I supposed to do about that?

I'm very aware that men of other ethnicities and some Black men may not be attracted to me based on their own hang ups and generalizations about BW. And guess what? IDGAF. That's on them, they're missing out, not me.

 

[Enyo]

I feel where you're coming from but on the other hand, it's obvious that many black women are blindsided by the sentiments in the OP and don't know how to handle it. Us suppressing commentary (however unpleasant) won't make the circumstances go away..

Then you should all feel free to bump that 150 threads that have been posted about this topic over the last 2 years. You're not being suppressed. You're being highly repetitive.

 

[TrueBeliever]

There are a few things you must realize.
Black women in general have negative PR due to our socioeconomic status. Not because we're awful people. It's their problem, not yours.

Looking for reasons why you can't get a man will keep you single longer.
Being some blonde/blue eyed white woman will not guarantee you anything in this life. So don't think you have to be something you're not for men to be attracted to you.

Once you realize that men will use a woman's insecurities against them you'll quit asking if you are desirable.
The same men telling you that your butt is too big and your hair is too nappy are telling that white woman that she needs to lose weight, get implants and she looks too old at age 27.
They may try to get someone society approves of but they'll pick her apart too.

 

[lovely008]

Men like to place some control over women by dictating their worth by how physically attractive they find them to be. Society in general has a strict code of beauty that is HEAVILY perpetuated by the media, there's a serious agenda when you start to pay attention. I have a wide nose, a strong jaw, I'm chocolate brown..things that are typically hailed as unattractive based on western society's ideas of beauty yet men of all races seem to find me attractive. Woop de doo. On top of that, there are so many black women of diverse beauty out there that I see with my own two eyes on a daily basis. I take serious pride in that aspect of us.

I'll just say that in general, I'm done garnering my worth in any way from male attention (though I won't deny that it's flattering) and I do not let the sick message that is spewed from the media and entertained by mindless fools bring down my self worth. It can come to a matter of self worth at a certain point. Like I said, I just know what I see with my own two eyes almost everyday. I do not go out of my way to encounter beautiful, smart, graceful, passionate black women. There will just be those that do not want to ever open their eyes to see that. Not my problem.

 

[CherryCherryBoomBoom]

There are a few things you must realize.
Black women in general have negative PR due to our socioeconomic status. Not because we're awful people. It's their problem, not yours.

Looking for reasons why you can't get a man will keep you single longer.
Being some blonde/blue eyed white woman will not guarantee you anything in this life. So don't think you have to be something you're not for men to be attracted to you.

Once you realize that men will use a woman's insecurities against them you'll quit asking if you are desirable.
The same men telling you that your butt is too big and your hair is too nappy are telling that white woman that she needs to lose weight, get implants and she looks too old at age 27.
They may try to get someone society approves of but they'll pick her apart too.

That's interesting that you say this? Why exactly is this? Is it just the fact that knowing the opinionative answers, especially when it's something one can't help or change about oneself, can only fuel even more insecurities within oneself?

And no, I don't particularly want to be white, far from it. Just a few things that I heard got me thinking and curious to know more, that's all.

 

[TrueBeliever]

That's interesting that you say this? Why exactly is this? Is it just the fact that knowing the opinionative answers, especially when it's something one can't help or change about oneself, can only fuel even more insecurities within oneself?

And no, I don't particularly want to be white, far from it. Just a few things that I heard got me thinking and curious to know more, that's all.

It's a matter of confidence, I guess. You know your worth but you have to be confident in it.
You must love YOU more than anyone else.

I'll say this and be done with it.
These same people that have all these lists of races they will get with and won't are not even pulling ANYBODY. They act like they're pulling supermodels with all those preferences and criticism of different women.
They better be glad if they can get someone who will put up with them. Especially when they wake up and find themselves 40+, broke and lonely.

 

[ambergirl]

I don't have anything to add other than since Obama was elected and has appointed high profile, BEAUTIFUL, black women to important positions in his administration (not to mention his gorgeous and accomplished wife) the media has been on overdrive putting out BS messages about how black women are less than. Since successful, beautiful black women do not fit the prevailing and politically useful stereotype of black women as mannish, poor, lonely, angry, welfare queens, folks are in a tizzy trying to prove that successful, beautiful desireable black women are flukes and exceptions or screwed in the dating world.

The other thing is that I would NOT recommend a teenager spend any time on this site http://sojournerspassport.com. I haven't visited that site in months or years but when it was posted I ventured over there only to see that one of her recent posts was that the only thing preventing black men from engaging in mass rape was the white police and admonishing women from becoming political activists because apparently that drives your desireability down Please don't waste any time with this silly woman.

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

Yeah, you're right, I will try to avoid those threads from now on. I do know anyway, that there are also a fair amount of men (black and non-black) on and off that forum who would date Black Women, so it's not all bad I guess. I guess I'm just trying to pin point why exactly I myself might not be getting that much male attention these days, but I suppose that's another topic

Reading posts that negate the beauty of black women -how is that supposed to be self-affirming? Do you think the reason you're not getting much male attention these days is because black women (general population)are so devalued attraction wise, or something more personal/individual to you?

 

[Kurlee]

Ok, but in this situation, what is there really to tackle?

If Todd or Julio ain't checking for me, what the hell am I supposed to do about that?

I'm very aware that men of other ethnicities and some Black men may not be attracted to me based on their own hang ups and generalizations about BW. And guess what? IDGAF. That's on them, they're missing out, not me.

U need to be aware of it and be able to deal with it because we are black and we are women and as much as we say it doesn't bother us, it does, because many of us are single and not getting married, well into our 30's and 40's. Whether it be that we reevaluate our "preferences" or reassess how we define fulfillment, I think it's important to be aware and do what you need to do. Even for those who have children or want them in the future, how can we raise the next generation, especially the future black men to embrace black women? That's what we could tackle. Yes, these men are missing out but by the time they realize it, it's often too late.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Blah blah blah....



I'm sorry (No offense to YOU OP), but I REFUSE to listen to societies' negative messages/inferences about black women. I just refuse to. Not anymore.

They don't define who I am as a woman. Plain and simple.

 

[Uber]

All those people who think this way haven't got a flying clue to what's important in a relationship. If the size of the butt and facial features is whats important than quite honestly I don't think that sort of opinion should be taken seriously.

And yes maybe there are some women that could take better care of their outward appearance but they are not all black.

please excuse me to all those who find my opinion extreme!

 

[CherryCherryBoomBoom]

Reading posts that negate the beauty of black women -how is that supposed to be self-affirming? Do you think the reason you're not getting much male attention these days is because black women (general population)are so devalued attraction wise, or something more personal/individual to you?

I don't really know to be honest. I'm thinking it may be a bit of both, I'm pretty much still trying to figure it out. I'm really not trying to devalue black women though, that wasn't the purpose of this thread and I feel a bit bad for offending people. I guess I'm just a confused teenager, feeling a bit lost in this world

 

[Valerie]

Cherrycherryboomboom, we are El Eholim, first creations, we are his first daughters, we have been on this earth for thousands and thousands of years, the nations came out of us. There are two kingdoms at work, here the Kingdom of Darkness, which works on our insecurities, tells us that we are least desirable, it must be true, because of the student forum and in the media etc and Kingdom of Light, who says we are fearfully and wonderfully made, he who has numbered the hairs on our heads and know when they fall out, who has known us before we were in our mother's womb.

Get up every morning and say "Lord, I thank you for making me beautiful, my skin , my eyes, my hair, my body. Keep on saying that every day, several times a day. You will find all races of men will tell you, you are beautiful and they will want to date you. Real men go after want they want and if they like whatever woman, black, they will pursue her, I have see it with my own eyes. Real men would not be on stupid forums like that, they have better things to do.

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

I don't really know to be honest. I'm thinking it may be a bit of both, I'm pretty much still trying to figure it out. I'm really not trying to devalue black women though, that wasn't the purpose of this thread and I feel a bit bad for offending people. I guess I'm just a confused teenager, feeling a bit lost in this world

Not saying you are... just wondering if drinking that "black women are the least desirable" Koolaid helps justify why you may have issues attracting the man you want. It sorta keeps you stuck in that place, you know?

 

[JFemme]

Cherrycherryboomboom, we are El Eholim, first creations, we are his first daughters, we have been on this earth for thousands and thousands of years, the nations came out of us. There are two kingdoms at work, here the Kingdom of Darkness, which works on our insecurities, tells us that we are least desirable, it must be true, because of the student forum and in the media etc and Kingdom of Light, who says we are fearfully and wonderfully made, he who has numbered the hairs on our heads and know when they fall out, who has known us before we were in our mother's womb.

Get up every morning and say "Lord, I thank you for making me beautiful, my skin , my eyes, my hair, my body. Keep on saying that every day, several times a day. You will find all races of men will tell you, you are beautiful and they will want to date you. Real men go after want they want and if they like whatever woman, black, they will pursue her, I have see it with my own eyes. Real men would not be on stupid forums like that, they have better things to do.

Tell it !!!:Rose::Rose::Rose:

 

[Bunny77]

I did think about it before giving her that link... at that specific time, she had a lead post about tuning out low-value media, which I thought was pretty pertinent to the topic. I'm always saying that BW need to stay away from as much of this online poison as possible.

Now some could say Khadija's blog is among that group... I dunno, but I know when I was 18, I longed to hear some alternative perspectives from black folks besides the same ones that kept getting repeated all the time -- usually that were not uplifting whatsoever to black women. There are some very young women who've commented that finding that blog really was beneficial to them.

Is she really out there on some topics? YES!!!! On some others though, I wish I could have heard someone with that perspective 10-15 years ago...

 

[Bunny77]

Not saying you are... just wondering if drinking that "black women are the least desirable" Koolaid helps justify why you may have issues attracting the man you want. It sorta keeps you stuck in that place, you know?

YES!!!!

Nothing more needs to be said.


Oh, and just as a side note, I couldn't buy a date when I was in high school (ages 14-17) and the beginning of college/university. We didn't even have white kids, for the most part, in my school, and the black boys dated black girls.

There was nothing specifically wrong with me. It just wasn't my time -- plus, as I later learned, there are few relationships of depth that develop among teenagers these days. Maybe it was different in the past, but today? Not so much.

 

[ambergirl]

I did think about it before giving her that link... at that specific time, she had a lead post about tuning out low-value media, which I thought was pretty pertinent to the topic. I'm always saying that BW need to stay away from as much of this online poison as possible.

Now some could say Khadija's blog is among that group... I dunno, but I know when I was 18, I longed to hear some alternative perspectives from black folks besides the same ones that kept getting repeated all the time -- usually that were not uplifting whatsoever to black women. There are some very young women who've commented that finding that blog really was beneficial to them.

Is she really out there on some topics? YES!!!! On some others though, I wish I could have heard someone with that perspective 10-15 years ago...

Umm, still voting no on Khadija

There are lots of resources out there about dating/self esteem, etc and a few blogs on dating interracially...even Halima and Evia are better. This Khadija chick just comes across as a bitter and self-hating black person. No need to call black men mass rapists. If you want to date interracially, just do it, regardless of what black men are or aren't doing.

 

[CherryCherryBoomBoom]

Not saying you are... just wondering if drinking that "black women are the least desirable" Koolaid helps justify why you may have issues attracting the man you want. It sorta keeps you stuck in that place, you know?

To be honest, I was more asking if other people have this problem, cos if I know it's really not widespread or common everywhere, then I can be more sure that it's most probably something wrong with me individually, than just my race. You're right though, the way I was trying to come across wasn't too clever I admit

 

[MzLady78]

U need to be aware of it and be able to deal with it because we are black and we are women and as much as we say it doesn't bother us, it does, because many of us are single and not getting married, well into our 30's and 40's. Whether it be that we reevaluate our "preferences" or reassess how we define fulfillment, I think it's important to be aware and do what you need to do. Even for those who have children or want them in the future, how can we raise the next generation, especially the future black men to embrace black women? That's what we could tackle. Yes, these men are missing out but by the time they realize it, it's often too late.

Again, I am aware of it. And again, I don't care.

I am NOT wasting my time and energy worrying about who isn't attracted to me simply because I'm a Black woman, that goes for Todd, Julio AND Tyrone. I don't entertain ignorance, period. It is NOT my job to make anyone see my value, you either do or you don't.

 

[Kurlee]

^^^ I guess it just depends on how you look at life. I personally feel empowered knowing the deal. It helps me navigate and because I work with young people too, it helps to be aware of the little nuances of their social interactions, so when they are seeking advice, I can actually identify with them vs. just given a generic "don't worry about it" answer. Different strokes for different folks I guess/

 

[Bunny77]

U need to be aware of it and be able to deal with it because we are black and we are women and as much as we say it doesn't bother us, it does, because many of us are single and not getting married, well into our 30's and 40's. Whether it be that we reevaluate our "preferences" or reassess how we define fulfillment, I think it's important to be aware and do what you need to do. Even for those who have children or want them in the future, how can we raise the next generation, especially the future black men to embrace black women? That's what we could tackle. Yes, these men are missing out but by the time they realize it, it's often too late.

Again, I am aware of it. And again, I don't care.

I am NOT wasting my time and energy worrying about who isn't attracted to me simply because I'm a Black woman, that goes for Todd, Julio AND Tyrone. I don't entertain ignorance, period. It is NOT my job to make anyone see my value, you either do or you don't.

Okay, I'll bite.

This is what I did.

Like MzLady78 said, there was nothing I could do if I ran into ignorant Todds, Julios, Tyrones, Pradeeps and Wongs (hey, can't leave the Asians out) who were gonna somehow let me know they didn't want me. Even if I knew for sure that a good portion of these men didn't want me, it ultimately did not matter... I needed to spend as little time on them as possible.

In regards to Kurlee's comment, knowing that this issue was out there to a degree meant that I needed to be more accutely focused on my goal. I was gonna get married and have a family. I considered that my birthright. I know a growing number of black women make the decision, based on this issue, that they will learn to accept the possibility of being alone all their lives and making alternative plans if they wanted children (some form of single parenthood, being the favorite aunt, etc.)

Not Bunny. No shade on anyone who chose that route, but I was not going to "accept" anything I didn't want because of statistics.

So I made it more of a priority to date smart and not waste my time with non-marriage minded individuals. While I felt that the world (and the men in it) should be my oyster, I also knew that there would be men who would sidetrack me and throw me off course... and people in general who would try to convince me that I had to settle for less than my ideal abundant life because I was a black woman.

If anything, I felt that as I entered my 30s, I might have had to make more of an effort than some of my non-black female counterparts to ensure that I married and married well (according to my definition of marrying well). I'm not saying every 30-something white and Asian woman has her pick of good men either, but if it was going to be slightly more difficult for me, I would just work harder. This didn't mean chasing men, but it meant doing more to make my social life a priority so that I had more chances to meet the right one.

 

[Bunny77]

Now for a teenager... as much as I know that they hate to hear this, I really don't think they need to stress out about this right now. Shoot, even an early 20-something...

And I've been there. I know how you can feel that something is wrong with you if no man is checking for you, but your girl over there seems to get all sorts of male attention. It's easy for me at 32 to say, "Oh don't worry, you have plenty of time," but at 17 or 18, I probably sounded like Cherry.

(Although I didn't go listening to folks telling me that black women were undesirable!!!)

The advice I would give to a black teen girl or young adult would be to generate a fun and healthy social life with good people (men and women) who will add to your life. Don't go to clubs where the men are pushing you over to get to other women, don't spend too much time on message boards where this topic exists, stop debating men, stop going to forums at your college or university on black relationships... just steer clear of all that.

Learn how to have a healthy balance of education and fun by getting comfortable with others in relaxed group settings. Maybe join activity clubs where people play sports, go to dinner, see movies, etc... hopefully, just being around positive people (again, don't just hang out with women) can eventually lead to more romantic relationships with the right guy when you feel confident about yourself and already know how to develop a friendly rapport with the opposite sex.

 

[princessnad]

If only 1% of the 6 billion+ people in this world find you attractive, trust me, that's more than enough.

 

[CherryCherryBoomBoom]

If only 1% of the 6 billion+ people in this world find you attractive, trust me, that's more than enough.

I just worked that out, it's 60 million. That sounds very promising, thank you

 

[CherryCherryBoomBoom]

xxx

I like you, you give out some really good advice, thank you very much