Why are a large % of black women unmarried?

[sunshinebeautiful]

Sunshine - you make some very good points. Ladies, in the end, the only thing you can CHANGE is yourself! If you desire these things then do what you would do when given the situation. For example, if you want to be a SAHM ultimately, LEARN HOW TO COOK! Don't say - you will learn when you get married. If you want to be married - make sure you can TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! You need to know how to pay bills just like he needs to know how to pay bills.

I didn't let my husband off the hook either - before we went out on OUR FIRST DATE I asked him if he knew how to make decisions! That was important to me b/c any man I married had to know how to lead a household and be someone whose decision making skills I trusted since I planned to have my man lead my household! He answered my questions excellently and was true to his word b/ c he leads our household.

Great points, CurleeDST. I will definitely keep that in mind.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

I agree with having a man who knows how to lead and make wise decisions. I plan on my husband being the head of our household too. You mentioned a couple times that your husband gave an excellent response to you question, so.......what did he say ?

I was wondering that too, Curlee, if you feel comfortable with sharing. If not, then then that's ok too. Please know that I'm really taking all of this information in that folks are saying, because I want to be able to recognize "him" when he comes onto the scene.

 

[CurleeDST]

He said he was an officer in the Army stationed in Desert Storm and was responsible for so many men and so much artillery. He was responsible for making sure they get in and out alive and so he HAD to know how to make decisions b/c his decisions impacted whether someone lived or died.

I was sold.

I agree with having a man who knows how to lead and make wise decisions. I plan on my husband being the head of our household too. You mentioned a couple times that your husband gave an excellent response to you question, so.......what did he say ?

 

[CurleeDST]

And ladies I do not have all of the answers, I can just share my experience. I was single, making good money but LONELY and no good man in sight! God stuck me out in the deserts of Arizona (I was out there on a consultant assignment for 6 months) and so I had a lot of time to think. I spoke often to a married saved friend of mine and she told me not to worry about getting married. I thought "easy for you to say YOU HAVE A HUSBAND". But when I took her advice and started to focus more on me things started working out.

Now between the time I was in the desert to the time I met my hubby I met 3 men I hung out with. None of them worked out. Here are their profiles:

1. Robert Machete - drifter, met in a club in DC (Republic Gardens), handsome but later found he was a FUGITIVE!!! That fool would come visit and always carry this duffle bag. I would ask him questions and he would give me inconsistent answers. The straw that broke the camels back is he picked me up from the airport in a yellow porsche that I later found out belonged to another young lady he was dating.

2. John Speller - An omega bruh I met in AZ at a party but he lived in Chicago near my best friend. He was the "cable guy" literally and was very nice but felt (he told me this) there were too many accomplished men in DC for me to want to deal with him so he stopped coming to visit me.

3. Robert (forgot his last name) - this fool told me he was saved, yadda yadda yadda. Told me he was ambitious. He worked at a manager in Rite Aid so I told him to give me his resume so I could take a look at it and redo it. He always had an excuse and said his boy was redoing it for him. That never worked out and he told me his boy had it for A YEAR! He then called me at 2 am in the morning while is MARRIED friend visited a stripper trying to get him some watching porno! Remember this man said he was saved and knew God. I told him "I do not see the Light of the Lord in you". He was mad, I hung up and did not speak to him since.

Then I met my hubby at an ex roommate from college's house warming party. She worked w/ him at Price Waterhouse Coopers as a consultant. He pursued me. I met him there but never gave him my number. He called her after the party to get my number so she called me a week later to ask if he could have it. I said yes on Wednesday, he called me on Thursday and told / asked me if we could go out that Sunday when he was in town. We were together ever since.

Now someone asked earlier about what does it mean to play house too early - my definition of playing house too early is moving that fool in without being married to him. Giving up the cookies early in the relationship before you even get to know his last name and whether he is bipolar or has a criminal record. Proclaiming love to the dude and not even loving yourself or knowing him 2 months! Moving so fast in the emotion category w/ the dude before getting to know him as a man and friend. That to me is playing house too soon.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Thanks for sharing, Curlee. Some of your dating experiences before your husband sound a lot like mine now. It's hard out here. erplexed Just trifling.

It really seems like those experiences led you to recognize a good man when he came along.

Wonderful message. Thanks for sharing. It does make me hopeful.

 

[CurleeDST]

Girl can you say LOSERS? John was't a loser but he wasn't willing to hang either. I ask a lot of questions to guys for a reason. I want to see if they give me the same answer. If the answers sound like they are changing up I raise a red flag. And I do not chalk it up to my misunderstanding something because I will ask again to clarify. If it sounds as if they are still double talking I will call it out (who cares about offending anyone?)

Men will play you if you let them and not call them to the carpet. Heck, I should say PEOPLE will play you if you let them.

So while you do not want to run men off by being mean and nasty - no need spending too much of your time getting to know a shyster and you have to have the power of discernment - being able to tell the good from the not so good.

Thanks for sharing, Curlee. Some of your dating experiences before your husband sound a lot like mine now. It's hard out here. erplexed Just trifling.

It really seems like those experiences led you to recognize a good man when he came along.

Wonderful message. Thanks for sharing. It does make me hopeful.

 

[tylertown]

Hmmm...I guess i was out of line for putting the blame on black men as to why most black women are not married.

Seeing that a large percentage are in jail, and many that are not don't appear ambitious, many have the thug mentality, or do not know how to treat a female or have many many kids has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Yes, you guys are right. Myself, Bill Cosby, NBC Nightly news, a male friend of mine who constantly says the same (a black male friend) are all wrong. It's the black women. Although they are the only segment in the black community making strides, we have failed our men and our race...I can't go on I've got to go, ride is here but yeah its or faalt ok

 

[SEMO]

Girl can you say LOSERS? John was't a loser but he wasn't willing to hang either. I ask a lot of questions to guys for a reason. I want to see if they give me the same answer. If the answers sound like they are changing up I raise a red flag. And I do not chalk it up to my misunderstanding something because I will ask again to clarify. If it sounds as if they are still double talking I will call it out (who cares about offending anyone?)

Men will play you if you let them and not call them to the carpet. Heck, I should say PEOPLE will play you if you let them.

So while you do not want to run men off by being mean and nasty - no need spending too much of your time getting to know a shyster and you have to have the power of discernment - being able to tell the good from the not so good.

ITA.

 

[CurleeDST]

Tyler seriously - there are many reasons why a "large" % of black women are unmarried so the blame can't all be placed at one particular group's feet.

Can you please quantify LARGE? I mean, the black men I KNOW and network with are professionals who attended college, love their mothers and are not thugs. And I know a good number of people.

So no need to be bitter about it and no need to try and place blame on one group of people.

Hmmm...I guess i was out of line for putting the blame on black men as to why most black women are not married.

Seeing that a large percentage are in jail, and many that are not don't appear ambitious, many have the thug mentality, or do not know how to treat a female or have many many kids has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Yes, you guys are right. Myself, Bill Cosby, NBC Nightly news, a male friend of mine who constantly says the same (a black male friend) are all wrong. It's the black women. Although they are the only segment in the black community making strides, we have failed our men and our race...I can't go on I've got to go, ride is here but yeah its or faalt ok

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

delete.........

 

[Princess4real]

And ladies I do not have all of the answers, I can just share my experience. I was single, making good money but LONELY and no good man in sight! God stuck me out in the deserts of Arizona (I was out there on a consultant assignment for 6 months) and so I had a lot of time to think. I spoke often to a married saved friend of mine and she told me not to worry about getting married. I thought "easy for you to say YOU HAVE A HUSBAND". But when I took her advice and started to focus more on me things started working out.

Now between the time I was in the desert to the time I met my hubby I met 3 men I hung out with. None of them worked out. Here are their profiles:

1. Robert Machete - drifter, met in a club in DC (Republic Gardens), handsome but later found he was a FUGITIVE!!! That fool would come visit and always carry this duffle bag. I would ask him questions and he would give me inconsistent answers. The straw that broke the camels back is he picked me up from the airport in a yellow porsche that I later found out belonged to another young lady he was dating.

2. John Speller - An omega bruh I met in AZ at a party but he lived in Chicago near my best friend. He was the "cable guy" literally and was very nice but felt (he told me this) there were too many accomplished men in DC for me to want to deal with him so he stopped coming to visit me.

3. Robert (forgot his last name) - this fool told me he was saved, yadda yadda yadda. Told me he was ambitious. He worked at a manager in Rite Aid so I told him to give me his resume so I could take a look at it and redo it. He always had an excuse and said his boy was redoing it for him. That never worked out and he told me his boy had it for A YEAR! He then called me at 2 am in the morning while is MARRIED friend visited a stripper trying to get him some watching porno! Remember this man said he was saved and knew God. I told him "I do not see the Light of the Lord in you". He was mad, I hung up and did not speak to him since.

Then I met my hubby at an ex roommate from college's house warming party. She worked w/ him at Price Waterhouse Coopers as a consultant. He pursued me. I met him there but never gave him my number. He called her after the party to get my number so she called me a week later to ask if he could have it. I said yes on Wednesday, he called me on Thursday and told / asked me if we could go out that Sunday when he was in town. We were together ever since.

Now someone asked earlier about what does it mean to play house too early - my definition of playing house too early is moving that fool in without being married to him. Giving up the cookies early in the relationship before you even get to know his last name and whether he is bipolar or has a criminal record. Proclaiming love to the dude and not even loving yourself or knowing him 2 months! Moving so fast in the emotion category w/ the dude before getting to know him as a man and friend. That to me is playing house too soon.

Wonderful post!

 

[kbody4]

This thread is really good. It's nice to read other ladies thoughts on this topic.

As for me, I just turned 30 and the reason why I'm not married because I'm simply just not ready. I've always had boyfriends, but I never really took the time out to just be with me. I have not dated in a year and half and I must say I enjoy being on my own, traveling, and spending time laughing and hanging out with friends who are positive and upbeat about life.

I've dated BM and WM and I must say that I am glad that I did not marry these guys. They were educated and financially stable, but my gosh they didn't treat me well at all

I do believe when I'm ready it will happen, but I don't sit around and dwell on it.

 

[upandcoming]

I read most of the posts but I'm tired and it's getting late so I can't respond now (will later via PM), but I just had to put my two cents in.

I'm 20 years old and I've dated but I can't say I've had a serious relationship. I don't want one right now but there are times when I look at my sister who graduated from college at 22, got married at 23, earned her master degrees, AND is active in her community and wonder okay, how did she do that?

My sister was a good student but she had lots of fun too. She went out with friends and was open to group dates. She met her husband when she was 19, but she wasn't "looking" for a husband perse. It just happened that they enjoyed each other's company and after three years, she asked him if they were going anywhere because if not, she was leaving. They married shortly thereafter and it's been 7 years of romance. If you see them walking together, they may look a little odd...he's a foot and a half taller, he's white, and older. Our families speak different languages and have different values, but it works out.

I think she was just open to making many friends and she KNEW she was a catch - not in an egotistical way or anything but she KNEW. She just wanted to have fun and I think guys were (and still are) attracted to a woman who doesn't send the "marry me now" signals.

I don't think I can answer why black women in general are not getting married, but I can answer why I AM not dating/in a relationship.

1. Bad time management (i.e. I feel like I'm always working but I spend COUNTLESS hours on social networks online). I could be using this time to join social organizations to meet people or improving myself (reading, beautyy treatments, etc)
2. I don't give people a chance
3. I block out guys I'm generally interested in because I don't want to fall in love and lose sight of a few pressing goals.

But I trust in God that I will meet the right one. I just need to work on myself right now.

 

[tylertown]

Tyler seriously - there are many reasons why a "large" % of black women are unmarried so the blame can't all be placed at one particular group's feet.

Can you please quantify LARGE? I mean, the black men I KNOW and network with are professionals who attended college, love their mothers and are not thugs. And I know a good number of people.

So no need to be bitter about it and no need to try and place blame on one group of people.

I really say this when I look at all the black guys that I know and know of. I mean this is not the information I WANT to put out there but it's what I see.

I know BM from the slobs to the Directors and VP's in companies. And sadly, I'm just seeing alot of them take many of the characteristics that I mentioned. Yes, even the educated, have family's, and supposedly responsible ones. I am really dissapointed in what I've seen. I do know of some good ones, but they are soooo few. I know of 3 good ones out of all those myself and my cousins and friends discuss. I've even heard OTHER black men say the VERY SAME THING. I mean, when will we as BW stop with the pity party and blaming ourselves for the lack of self-dignity that a considerable number of our men have? To me most of comments in this thread will make other BW who don't know any better, feel pityful, feel less than, feel that what they are and have is not worth, and run like puppies after a man, any man, when imo it's not them. Again, from the nice and good BM, I'm hearing from them what I am saying here. I hear other BM SAY THE VERY SAME THING. Some of them when they see what a large majority are doing. When are WE going to stop and face reality? It's to many single BW. And not enough BM who are up to par.

But dst, I'm not the only one who says this. I may be the only person being open and brutally honest on this thread, but I hear mostly the same thing from alot of BW.

Now the guy I talk to, we are long distance and I'm not that much into him. He really needs alot of work that I'm not willing to put in. Now someone will say that's your problem, no, because i am not obligated to bring another grown *** man up. I'm tired. I'm working on me i don't have time to work on another grown person.

So honey I'm just being again brutally honest. thats one thing about us as people, we've moved from do-ers (post slavery days) to deflect-the-issue people.

before we can address the problem, we've got to identify the problem. And once BW have raised the kids, become the breadwinner, and now they are making huge strides, now the BW is the cause of why many are single? When many of our men are not well suited for us? Do you HONESTLY believe otherwise? Statistics show the opposite.

 

[CurleeDST]

I hear you and it sounds like the people you have as examples leave a lot to be desired. I feel blessed I know of and am acquainted with responsible BM who love and spend time with their children, take their family to church and are working 2 and 3 jobs to provide the very best they can for their families.

I know the drug addicts, playas and schemers too but I do not spend much of my time with them or thinking about them. I hope it gets better for you because there are so many good people out there it would be a shame to overlook or not give credit b/c of a bad ones.

I really say this when I look at all the black guys that I know and know of. I mean this is not the information I WANT to put out there but it's what I see.

I know BM from the slobs to the Directors and VP's in companies. And sadly, I'm just seeing alot of them take many of the characteristics that I mentioned. Yes, even the educated, have family's, and supposedly responsible ones. I am really dissapointed in what I've seen. I do know of some good ones, but they are soooo few. I know of 3 good ones out of all those myself and my cousins and friends discuss. I've even heard OTHER black men say the VERY SAME THING. I mean, when will we as BW stop with the pity party and blaming ourselves for the lack of self-dignity that a considerable number of our men have? To me most of comments in this thread will make other BW who don't know any better, feel pityful, feel less than, feel that what they are and have is not worth, and run like puppies after a man, any man, when imo it's not them. Again, from the nice and good BM, I'm hearing from them what I am saying here. I hear other BM SAY THE VERY SAME THING. Some of them when they see what a large majority are doing. When are WE going to stop and face reality? It's to many single BW. And not enough BM who are up to par.

But dst, I'm not the only one who says this. I may be the only person being open and brutally honest on this thread, but I hear mostly the same thing from alot of BW.

Now the guy I talk to, we are long distance and I'm not that much into him. He really needs alot of work that I'm not willing to put in. Now someone will say that's your problem, no, because i am not obligated to bring another grown *** man up. I'm tired. I'm working on me i don't have time to work on another grown person.

So honey I'm just being again brutally honest. thats one thing about us as people, we've moved from do-ers (post slavery days) to deflect-the-issue people.

before we can address the problem, we've got to identify the problem. And once BW have raised the kids, become the breadwinner, and now they are making huge strides, now the BW is the cause of why many are single? When many of our men are not well suited for us? Do you HONESTLY believe otherwise? Statistics show the opposite.

 

[tylertown]

I hear you and it sounds like the people you have as examples leave a lot to be desired. I feel blessed I know of and am acquainted with responsible BM who love and spend time with their children, take their family to church and are working 2 and 3 jobs to provide the very best they can for their families.

I know the drug addicts, playas and schemers too but I do not spend much of my time with them or thinking about them. I hope it gets better for you because there are so many good people out there it would be a shame to overlook or not give credit b/c of a bad ones.

Yes. I agree wholeheartedly with this. It's sad that many of the bad overshadow the good because of their widespread reputation. And examples. But, I do know a friend who talks about raising her son with those type men in mind. She wants to rear him to be the exact opposite.

 

[envybeauty]

Let me just say we go to school and they teach us how to succeed in business. Unfortunately there are no courses in how to succeed in relationships and balancing family and career!

not to be graphic, but the same goes for wiping my a$$. not everything has to be taught in school. just because it is not taught in a classroom does not mean that we should not seek to learn it from elders in our home, our families, our churches, or our communities. that is where one best learns how to deal with family and employment.

 

[envybeauty]

..Men making $18k a year flipping burgers at Wendy's are asking for prenup cause Fiddy got one and "broads" are out for his paper.

I thought I was the only one who picked up on men today doing this ish. Men that don't have a pot to piss in at that! The absurdity makes me laugh.

 

[lexi08]

I thought I was the only one who picked up on men today doing this ish. Men that don't have a pot to piss in at that! The absurdity makes me laugh.

Girl these dudes where I live think 25 or 30k makes them a baller

 

[CurleeDST]

Basically wha I am saying is that it IS something life has to teach you. There are no courses to sign up for to teach someone how to balance family and work.

And no need to be as graphic. A simpler example would have sufficed.

not to be graphic, but the same goes for wiping my a$$. not everything has to be taught in school. just because it is not taught in a classroom does not mean that we should not seek to learn it from elders in our home, our families, our churches, or our communities. that is where one best learns how to deal with family and employment.

 

[CurleeDST]

Many people are flossing much more than their actual means - men AND WOMEN! What gets me are the folks who have caller ID screening calls as if they are THAT important and are in that much demand. PUHLEASE! Everyone needs to get over themselves.

Folks now making $18K flipping burgers at Wendy's? If that is part-time work they chilling making much more than I did.

And don't sleep on the fast food workers. My husband worked at Burger King for 5 years (got a watch for his 5 year anniversary) and we are chilling today. Granted he no longer works there and is a Sr. Managing Consultant with IBM but he had to get started somewhere. Black women need to stop being so quick to pass judgement ESPECIALLY when many of us do not have jobs that pay much more than the burger flippers (so what you have to dress up in a suit, pay for parking and sit behind a desk pushing a pencil all day).

Let's not get it twisted.

I thought I was the only one who picked up on men today doing this ish. Men that don't have a pot to piss in at that! The absurdity makes me laugh.

 

[ajoyfuljoy]

I asked a casual guy friend I know this question and told him to give me an honest answer. This is what he said:

"A lot of black woman are unmarried because they are selfish, evil, unsupportive, lazy, disrespectful and lack the ability to encourage the black man to succeed. They are great at pointing out what's wrong with him, but lack the ability to pull out the gifts and talents that he may possess. Also, a benz and a bank account seem to be more important than brains and integrity to a black woman. It's all about what he has to offer, when most times the black woman isn't bringing anything to the table."

And no he is not dating a white lady, lol! He's just patiently searching for his AA queen.

 

[tylertown]

I asked a casual guy friend I know this question and told him to give me an honest answer. This is what he said:

"A lot of black woman are unmarried because they are selfish, evil, unsupportive, lazy, disrespectful and lack the ability to encourage the black man to succeed. They are great at pointing out what's wrong with him, but lack the ability to pull out the gifts and talents that he may possess. Also, a benz and a bank account seem to be more important than brains and integrity to a black woman. It's all about what he has to offer, when most times the black woman isn't bringing anything to the table."

And no he is not dating a white lady, lol! He's just patiently searching for his AA queen.

and I can see why

 

[tylertown]

I had missed this comment earlier in the thread.

Just brainstorming or thinking out loud... how does one present the "loving, nurturing wife and mother" side of oneself early in a relationship? I believe in general, I portray myself as a loving, supporting, and nurturing individual. Period, point blank. How does one's profession take away from those core qualities?

Speaking of catch 22's.... how many times have we, as women, heard about not playing the "wife" role without a ring? So exactly how does one go about "presenting the wife and mother" sides role early in a relationship? Just thinking out loud....

And what does thinking one has to "be on a good man's level" mean exactly?

I don't see anything wrong with playing the support role at all. My overall point is that I believe a key part of relationships are "practiced skills" that one becomes better at over time. Just like in the basketball/football examples.

I'm as much of a "career woman" (partially by default as I discussed earlier in this thread) as I am a "wife and mother"-type. Just like I can probably run the play, I can let my man go ahead and do his thing, and bring in the Gatorade from the sidelines so he can go ahead and get back into the game (hope that made sense, since i don't really do sports analogies ). I just don't believe those things are mutually exclusive.

I'm just looking for an opportunity to be let off of the bench and really get into the game.

Yes! I still do not know why some think that a career minded woman thinks that her "sucess" will create a great relationship. I'm totally baffled as to how some actually feel this is what others are thinking.

 

[tylertown]

Do ya'll think men are doing the same kind of self-analysis and work that women are? I was thinking the SAME thang while responding to this thread last week. When is the last time ya'll have engaged in a convo with men who are truly doing the same type of self-analysis/self-assessment? Not just Black men but men in general.

There's a gender double standard that plays into this as well. Just one example.... women's magazines, across the board, are built around seeking relationships above all else, with all kinds of recommendations for "getting a man," "Keeping a man," or "keeping him sexually satisfied." Meanwhile men get messages about being unskilled in relationships, to date (sex?) as many women as possible, being taught how to love, and that women are mostly valued for looking pretty/being sexy/keeping house, etc. Shoot, when you add all that stuff together, no wonder it's a damn mess.

I'm in favor of family and community-building across the board and I just don't think the work is being done equally between men and women.

If a woman isn't married or doesn't have a man, the message is sent that there's something wrong with her that needs to be "fixed" or she needs to "work on herself," as if that guarantees a man will just come along. If a man isn't married, it's not really a big deal at all, matter fact they're "studs" and "ladies men" because they can date around, haven't settled down, and probably have women playing out the "wifey" role for them without a ring.

For me, I really think it's as simple as I haven't met the man who has the same overall values as myself, with personality characteristics that agree with mine - that equals no marriage. Plain and simple. Here here. Along with the fact that many BM's who would be mates have traveled along alternate paths (jail, WW, drugs, to many kids, no career, etc)

And let's not get it twisted, just because a sista *is* married doesn't necessarily mean they were don't something "right" and you weren't. Okay. I declare sometimes on this board, only because some posters are popular are others simple enough to run with their perception of reality when really it has little to do with reality. Point blank right place right time in most cases. And right time usually mean that man was ready to change no matter what he tells you he was OPEN to changing.

My comments in blue.