Why are a large % of black women unmarried?

[Belle Du Jour]

Thanks girl, I appreciate it. I get depressed very often about why I haven't met that somebody and married, and then, extra depressed when I have to fight and combat all day every day with feeling unloved and unappreciated, and with nowhere to turn and no one to understand. I feel hopeless sometimes, but I really do hope that some man can really see my heart, and my career advancement has everything to do with family-building, and not with wanting to be "the man" in a relationship.

I suspect, no I know, that there are lots of Black women who are in my shoes, smart, career-oriented, with beautiful spirits. I may not be the best cook, but I can damn sure read a recipe. And I may not be the best housekeeper, but hey, I can hire out.

I get tired of being put on the defensive in these discussions when it always systematically seem falls down on us doing something wrong, and it's just not even half of what's really going on.

There's definitely nothing WRONG with us. I think a lot of people on the outside looking in probably don't get it either. I just think we weren't given the same message as other races of women who know that marriage is going to happen ( not IF it will happen).

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Are we not about our business when it comes to marriage? Why is it that most of my white friends and colleagues are engaged or married and they are younger or the same age as me? Why is it that many of the eligible white men that I meet in my age group are married? Are black women not being taught to pursue a relationship that leads to marriage? I know for me, I didn't really start thinking about marriage until a year or so ago, in my mid-twenties. That puts me behind the curve at this point.

Fortunately, I have not given up or lost hope, even though it gets rough. I feel a lot of us would make great wives and are a catch, but maybe we weren't thinking about the future as soon as we should have? Just thoughts. . .

I ask myself this question everyday. I'm really not exaggerating when I say that every ww I know that's my age -- my friends, my colleagues -- are either in a long-term relationship, engaged, or married. *sigh* The best I can come up with is that I guess it's just more complicated for black folks. Either that, or the numbers aren't as much in our favor. I'm sorry, that's the best I got.

I don't know how many other women can relate, but I was told over and over again by my family to "get those books," men would always be around, and to worry about marriage and family later. I had plenty of time -- and that I didn't want to "mess up" my future by having a kid too soon or rushing into a relationship.

Well, now I'm 27 and they still tell me the same thing. I'm almost done with the education, and now I'm looking around like "Where is he?" and I'm coming up with a blank. And looking around now at all the folks who are coupled up, if not married already, I'm really starting to worry.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I ask myself this question everyday. I'm really not exaggerating when I say that every ww I know that's my age -- my friends, my colleagues -- are either in a long-term relationship, engaged, or married. *sigh* The best I can come up with is that I guess it's just more complicated for black folks. Either that, or the numbers aren't as much in our favor. I'm sorry, that's the best I got.

I don't know how many other women can relate, but I was told over and over again by my family to "get those books," men would always be around, and to worry about marriage and family later. I had plenty of time -- and that I didn't want to "mess up" my future by having a kid too soon or rushing into a relationship.

Well, now I'm 27 and they still tell me the same thing. I'm almost done with the education, and now I'm looking around like "Where is he?" and I'm coming up with a blank. And looking around now at all the folks who are coupled up, if not married already, I'm really starting to worry.

That about sums it up for me.

 

[tylertown]

Because many are

• in jail
• have to many kids *drama*
• have to many baby mothers * in some cases SUPER drama *
• no job or any old I'm-comfy-making-10.00 -an-hr-job
• still sticking everything with 2 and some times 1 leg
• gay
• already married
• immature- he lives by crunk music and thinks the word "flossin" is cool to say. No kidding. I know a dude like that.
• still playing mind games at the ripe old age of 37
• still living with mama

then once you filter them through that, you have most black men imo.

And the decent black girls just don't want that kind of mess.

 

[poetist]

I ask myself this question everyday. I'm really not exaggerating when I say that every ww I know that's my age -- my friends, my colleagues -- are either in a long-term relationship, engaged, or married. *sigh* The best I can come up with is that I guess it's just more complicated for black folks. Either that, or the numbers aren't as much in our favor. I'm sorry, that's the best I got.

I don't know how many other women can relate, but I was told over and over again by my family to "get those books," men would always be around, and to worry about marriage and family later. I had plenty of time -- and that I didn't want to "mess up" my future by having a kid too soon or rushing into a relationship.

Well, now I'm 27 and they still tell me the same thing. I'm almost done with the education, and now I'm looking around like "Where is he?" and I'm coming up with a blank. And looking around now at all the folks who are coupled up, if not married already, I'm really starting to worry.

I really understand and can relate to what you are saying. I am 30 and just got married a few months ago. But until then, I was really focused on my education and career. However, when I worked on Wall Street, there were SOOOOOOO many ww who were 40 and just getting married and starting to have kids. These were type A women who were serious about there hustle and climbing the corp ladder. On the other hand, there were younger ww who would get hired at my firm, start dating some guy at the company, get engaged, and basically stop working and start planning this extravagant wedding. So there were 2 sides of the coin. And IMO women of all nationalities who focus on their education/career sometimes have to put relationships to the side to help advance their career. As a newlywed, I think it is really impt to get your schooling out of the way and your career where you'd like for it to be, so that when you're married, youre not struggling to get through school or job hopping because you have no job stability.

I am a true believer that if you are receptive to love, then God will bring into your life exactly what you desire.

 

[Bunny77]

Are we not about our business when it comes to marriage? Why is it that most of my white friends and colleagues are engaged or married and they are younger or the same age as me? Why is it that many of the eligible white men that I meet in my age group are married? Are black women not being taught to pursue a relationship that leads to marriage? I know for me, I didn't really start thinking about marriage until a year or so ago, in my mid-twenties. That puts me behind the curve at this point.

Fortunately, I have not given up or lost hope, even though it gets rough. I feel a lot of us would make great wives and are a catch, but maybe we weren't thinking about the future as soon as we should have? Just thoughts. . .

You know my thoughts on this... and yes, I agree with you completely!

The message I've gotten (not from parents, but society -- black society in particular) is to be content in being single and just wait on God for him to present the right man to me. I'm sure many of you can relate.

Problem is, we're never encouraged to be proactive in any way and we're constantly told to work on ourselves and try to be the best single women we can be, and all while we're doing that, we're passing up opportunities for MARRIAGE!

BW are probably the most self-analytical group of women out there, and what is it getting us? Nothing!!!! I didn't really start thinking about marriage either until this year, when I know deep down that I probably was ready for it maybe two years ago. At least I'm making it a priority now!

So yeah, if we want marriage, let's get busy thinking about it and doing things to help it happen!

 

[Bunny77]

This is really interesting for me. This is not directed at this particular poster, but this post made the think a little bit about my own experience, which I would like to speak to. I'm not going to doubt that some women may flaunt around their degrees.... But here is my experience. I fell on the "career track" because 1. I've always been a good student 2. Opportunities to date and marry and be the "family oriented woman" I want to be just haven't came about for me yet. I would love to be a wife and a mother and make some man my king, but, part of my experience has been that I fell into the "career fast track" by default, because of lack of options (that wanted to be chosen).

It's a catch 22. I am under no illusion that a stellar career automatically means I'm a desired partner in a relationship. Matter fact, I do what I do with my career because of the family I desire someday, and not that I don't want it. I acknowledge that my relationship skills may be underdeveloped because of focus on my career. That's fine. I also acknowledge that sometimes my life is such that careers and such ends up being the conversation piece by default because it's a source of pride for me, in lieu of the relationship/family I'd like to have that hasn't materialized.

For me, some of this is a circular argument. Do I want to be the kind of woman a man desires, one that can take care of family, cooks, cleans, etc.? Absolutely. Have I had the opportunity to work on those skills? Not as much as I would desire. Being that I haven't had those opportunities, what is left? My career.

I think part of it, for me, is to be able to find a man who's willing to work with me on that part. I'm still a major work in progress, but I have the willingness to learn and do things "right." And oftentimes, men look the other way at the first mention of what I do for a living, as if that is all I aspire to, and it's certainly not, or even what I most prize in life. I could give a damn about being career woman of the year, but that's the box others have drawn for me, and lacking a partner, it's the area in life in which I can realize some sort of progression for myself.

I really look forward to being a loving wife and mother and working on my relationship skills in the future, if truly given the opportunity. I just haven't had that experience yet, so I guess I fall under this category of "non-feminine," egocentric, career-driven women, let someone else tell it.

I don't know why a large number of black women are unmarried. It probably has to do with a dozen different things, both individual and societal level. For me, a large part has been finding a man who truly wants to be in there with me for the long haul, be patient with me, see past my flaws, and love me regardless. I haven't met that man yet.

You know, I feel you. Totally.

What I'm trying to do these days is really focus on talking about my outside interests when I'm on a date so that it doesn't seem like I'm all about career, career, career.

Now, don't get it twisted, I'm NOT going to hide what I do and my educational background and I'm not going to play dumb for a man. No way, and I'd never tell a woman to do that. But, what I do think has been working for me more lately is to talk to the man about anything but work... I went on a date tonight and we talked about families, cool places we've traveled, friends, hobbies, Christmas plans, etc. I mentioned my job and what I had coming up, but it wasn't the main focus of discussion and his job wasn't either.

I'm not saying that this is what you're doing SunshineBeautiful, but it's just a suggestion as to ways that you can show off your personality to a man in ways that don't involve focus on a career.

 

[Bunny77]

I was truly enjoying the perspectives of the posters in this thread until I got to yours. Dont get me wrong, I'm not being disrespectful, it's just that I am lost on the intent of your post if that makes any sense. I may be the only one but I'm just a wee bit confused on your message.

You're not the only one. I didn't get the point of it either... hope longhairluva will come back and explain what she meant...

 

[Bunny77]

There's definitely nothing WRONG with us. I think a lot of people on the outside looking in probably don't get it either. I just think we weren't given the same message as other races of women who know that marriage is going to happen ( not IF it will happen).

RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT!!!!

I know so many black women who have been taught to look at marriage as an "if," instead of a "when." And when you are acting from a place of uncertainty, you're probably going to be more tentative in your social interactions with men.

 

[janiebaby]

RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT!!!!

I know so many black women who have been taught to look at marriage as an "if," instead of a "when." And when you are acting from a place of uncertainty, you're probably going to be more tentative in your social interactions with men.

Bunny you always say what I want to say. But you say it a lot better than I would've.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT!!!!

I know so many black women who have been taught to look at marriage as an "if," instead of a "when." And when you are acting from a place of uncertainty, you're probably going to be more tentative in your social interactions with men.

Same with me. It doesnt help that my mom or grandmother is not married...both have no men in their lives. My grandmother was married but divorced 25 years ago. She has been single ever since. They both seem happy but that is not how I want to end up years from now....alone. I was always encouraged to finish school and snag a great career and not to focus on men or kids I had that mentality up until last year when I graduated. Now that I am working and actually dating a few guys, I find that I am rethinking my whole life process, realizing that I want to have 1 or 2 kids sooner than 36, and that I do want to get married....not to say that I wont go back to school and what not but making six figures a year is not as important to me as it was in the beginning.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

You know, I feel you. Totally.

What I'm trying to do these days is really focus on talking about my outside interests when I'm on a date so that it doesn't seem like I'm all about career, career, career.

Now, don't get it twisted, I'm NOT going to hide what I do and my educational background and I'm not going to play dumb for a man. No way, and I'd never tell a woman to do that. But, what I do think has been working for me more lately is to talk to the man about anything but work... I went on a date tonight and we talked about families, cool places we've traveled, friends, hobbies, Christmas plans, etc. I mentioned my job and what I had coming up, but it wasn't the main focus of discussion and his job wasn't either.

I'm not saying that this is what you're doing SunshineBeautiful, but it's just a suggestion as to ways that you can show off your personality to a man in ways that don't involve focus on a career.

These are really good suggestions, Bunny. Now I have to work on finding a date. erplexed

 

[adf23]

Are we not about our business when it comes to marriage? Why is it that most of my white friends and colleagues are engaged or married and they are younger or the same age as me? Why is it that many of the eligible white men that I meet in my age group are married? Are black women not being taught to pursue a relationship that leads to marriage? I know for me, I didn't really start thinking about marriage until a year or so ago, in my mid-twenties. That puts me behind the curve at this point.

Fortunately, I have not given up or lost hope, even though it gets rough. I feel a lot of us would make great wives and are a catch, but maybe we weren't thinking about the future as soon as we should have? Just thoughts. . .

Like several of the other ladies have implied- it seems that in our community, we (black women) are groomed from early on, to do all the necessary things to insure we will be completely self sufficient, with the unsaid message of "You need to know how to take care of yourself, because no one else will."

There is nothing wrong with this.......but it DOES seem to me, that this is instilled in us, much more than other races of women.

White girls seem to be raised with the mentality that a prince on a white horse will come and sweep them off their feet.

I agree with your observation, because it's my experience as well. I am married, but I do not have any married black girlfriends, that I did not meet by the way of DH. Any black friends I had before meeting DH, are single. Some are dating, but still no one is married. On the other hand, I don't have any UNmarried white girlfriends, with the exception of 1, and she feels like an old maid, because she is unmarried at 31.

 

[Overjoyed]

All of you ladies had some great responses. The reality is that there are a number of different factors impacting why a large percentage of black women desire to be married, but are not. In my case my lack of being unable to find a mate was what motivated me to better myself for myself because I realized that maybe marriage is not in the cards for me.

None of my female friends are married and the ones who do have boyfriends are hanging onto dysfunctional relationships that are more trouble than they are worth because they do not want to be alone. I could have a boyfriend, in fact, I have no problem attracting men at all, but after my last psuedo relationship/disaster I realized that I didn't just want any man to say that I have one.

In the same token I do believe life is full of surprises and when we least expect it someone wonderful will come into our lives and make everything we endured well worth it.

 

[MJ]

None of my female friends are married and the ones who do have boyfriends are hanging onto dysfunctional relationships that are more trouble than they are worth because they do not want to be alone. I could have a boyfriend, in fact, I have no problem attracting men at all, but after my last psuedo relationship/disaster I realized that I didn't just want any man to say that I have one.:

This sounds like my life. Is this a New York thing? (I'm in Brooklyn.)

 

[locabouthair]

All of you ladies had some great responses. The reality is that there are a number of different factors impacting why a large percentage of black women desire to be married, but are not. In my case my lack of being unable to find a mate was what motivated me to better myself for myself because I realized that maybe marriage is not in the cards for me.

None of my female friends are married and the ones who do have boyfriends are hanging onto dysfunctional relationships that are more trouble than they are worth because they do not want to be alone. I could have a boyfriend, in fact, I have no problem attracting men at all, but after my last psuedo relationship/disaster I realized that I didn't just want any man to say that I have one.

In the same token I do believe life is full of surprises and when we least expect it someone wonderful will come into our lives and make everything we endured well worth it.

I agree.

 

[Te'TahHead]

Because many are

• in jail
• have to many kids *drama*
• have to many baby mothers * in some cases SUPER drama *
• no job or any old I'm-comfy-making-10.00 -an-hr-job
• still sticking everything with 2 and some times 1 leg
• gay
• already married
• immature- he lives by crunk music and thinks the word "flossin" is cool to say. No kidding. I know a dude like that.
• still playing mind games at the ripe old age of 37
• still living with mama

then once you filter them through that, you have most black men imo.

And the decent black girls just don't want that kind of mess.

And THIS is the reason why I think that many black women do not get married. Somehow, we expect black men to not succomb to stereotypes about us, but we choose to stereotype our own men and question why we don't have one?

I am sorry to if this comes off as rude, but you would have to be a DAMNED fool to believe that most black men are like this. If every black man is like this, then what kind of black woman are you? I have learned that through looking out the window, you have to still take into acount you are within that scene!

What if a black's man post of the topic read like this:

Because many are

• fat/overweight
• have to many kids *drama*
• have to many baby daddies * in some cases SUPER drama *
• no job or any old I'm-comfy-making-10.00 -an-hr-job/welfare queen
• still getting pregnant left and right
• lesbian
• already married
• immature- she lives by thinking that a pair of pumps is what makes her "bad"
• still playing mind games at the ripe old age of 37, thinking that a man thinks a weave is real
• still living with mama
• don't know how to take care of a black man, too stuck on themselves
• loud, ghetto
• aggressive
• non sexual
• jealous as Mike Epps says "Parole officers"

then once you filter them through that, you have most black women imo.

 

[CurleeDST]

Interesting enough, my niece is a junior at Hampton University and her mother instilled in her to make sure she looks for a husband while in college. She had a high school sweetheart and the mom was trying to get them hitched until he dumped her daughter. CRAZY!

My mom instilled in me to be independent so that I would not know how to care for myself. My mom was married and lost herself in my dad (her words). When they separated and got divorced she was devastated and knew she definitely did not want me to experience that. She was more determined than ever to make sure I could take care of myself. Not that I would not experience disappointment in relationships, she did not want me to be lost without a man! My mom did a great job raising me and I found a man who appreciated me for me. I love him to death and my beautiful family but if he were to leave, I would be VERY disappointed and sad but I would go on.

 

[CurleeDST]

You are so right - shame on us. My husband told me many of us aren't married because many haven't gotten over past hurts and sometimes act/are CRAZY and possessive!

And THIS is the reason why I think that many black women do not get married. Somehow, we expect black men to not succomb to stereotypes about us, but we choose to stereotype our own men and question why we don't have one?

I am sorry to if this comes off as rude, but you would have to be a DAMNED fool to believe that most black men are like this. If every black man is like this, then what kind of black woman are you? I have learned that through looking out the window, you have to still take into acount you are within that scene!

What if a black's man post of the topic read like this:

Because many are

• fat/overweight
• have to many kids *drama*
• have to many baby daddies * in some cases SUPER drama *
• no job or any old I'm-comfy-making-10.00 -an-hr-job/welfare queen
• still getting pregnant left and right
• lesbian
• already married
• immature- she lives by thinking that a pair of pumps is what makes her "bad"
• still playing mind games at the ripe old age of 37, thinking that a man thinks a weave is real
• still living with mama
• don't know how to take care of a black man, too stuck on themselves
• loud, ghetto
• aggressive
• non sexual
• jealous as Mike Epps says "Parole officers"

then once you filter them through that, you have most black women imo.

 

[Minx]

Well, personally, I have had long term relationships back to back, that took up many years of my life.

I met my first LTBF(longterm boyfriend)when I was still in high school(he was 8 years older than me).
I moved in with him after graduation and we lived together for nearly four years.
We got engaged but the wedding never happened.
He kept pushing the date further and further back.
Eventually, we stopped talking about it.
We had two children, so I stayed.

One day, I found out he was cheating and I confronted him.
I truly wanted us to be married, and I learned that he did not.
He left and I was crushed.
So I was twenty-one and alone with two kids.

A year later, I met my second LTBF.
He was my age, in college, smart and ambitious.
My kids took an automatic liking to him, and he loved them.

After dating not even a year, he wanted to marry me.
I mean got down on one knee, ring in hand, and proposed!
But I was in no hurry to promise another man my hand in marriage.
So I would not agree to marry him at that time, but we did move in together.
We had a little girl soon after.

Over the years, he worked hard to provide for all of us.
I worked outside the home as well, but only partime.
Our choice was for me to be there and raise our kids, so that is what I did.

And while he was good to the kids, he was not romantic or affectionate toward me.
He continually asked me to marry him(he gave me three engagement rings)
But I was not in love with him based on how he neglected me.
So I did not marry him, but I stayed for ten years.

Side note: He and the kids, all three of them, are still close as ever and I support that 1000%.


In 2005 I started seeing my current SO.
Presently, he wants me and the kids to move in with him.
He knows my history.

I told him my kids will not see their mother in another live-in situation.
I won't live like that anymore, I don't have to.
I am completing my degree, I work, I have my own place, I have nice things.
All of my children are excelling in school, my oldest is in college, the other two are honor students in gifted programs.
God has been soooo good to me inspite of how I've been to myself.

My current SO has said we will get married, told me to go ahead and set the date, but he wants me in his house PRONTO.
I am not budging, not until I walk down the aisle.
I told him if a man wants me in his home, he will make me his wife FIRST.

But I have been with this man going on three years and unless he gets his act together, I do not see myself marrying him, either.

Another longterm relationship= years gone by but no marriage.


So, why are some black women not married?

Maybe they have been too busy "playing married" as oppposed to doing the real thing.
Standing in the role of "wife", having babies and performing wifely duties, but never taking vows before God.

Maybe they choose not be married to the men they are with for one reason or another?

I am in my mid 30's and I am not married, have never been married, although I certainly feel like I have been.
I have had the opportunity, but I have declined.


My current SO needs to staighten up and fly right.
He is another man that I will not marry, by choice, if he doesn't.



dk

 

[motherx2esq]

Well, personally, I have had long term relationships back to back, that took up many years of my life.

I met my first LTBF(longterm boyfriend)when I was still in high school(he was 8 years older than me).
I moved in with him after graduation and we lived together for nearly four years.
We got engaged but the wedding never happened.
He kept pushing the date further and further back.
Eventually, we stopped talking about it.
We had two children, so I stayed.

One day, I found out he was cheating and I confronted him.
I truly wanted us to be married, and I learned that he did not.
He left and I was crushed.
So I was twenty-one and alone with two kids.

A year later, I met my second LTBF.
He was my age, in college, smart and ambitious.
My kids took an automatic liking to him, and he loved them.

After dating not even a year, he wanted to marry me.
I mean got down on one knee, ring in hand, and proposed!
But I was in no hurry to promise another man my hand in marriage.
So I would not agree to marry him at that time, but we did move in together.
We had a little girl soon after.

Over the years, he worked hard to provide for all of us.
I worked outside the home as well, but only partime.
Our choice was for me to be there and raise our kids, so that is what I did.

And while he was good to the kids, he was not romantic or affectionate toward me.
He continually asked me to marry him(he gave me three engagement rings)
But I was not in love with him based on how he neglected me.
So I did not marry him, but I stayed for ten years.

Side note: He and the kids, all three of them, are still close as ever and I support that 1000%.


In 2005 I started seeing my current SO.
Presently, he wants me and the kids to move in with him.
He knows my history.

I told him my kids will not see their mother in another live-in situation.
I won't live like that anymore, I don't have to.
I am completing my degree, I work, I have my own place, I have nice things.
All of my children are excelling in school, my oldest is in college, the other two are honor students in gifted programs.
God has been soooo good to me inspite of how I've been to myself.

My current SO has said we will get married, told me to go ahead and set the date, but he wants me in his house PRONTO.
I am not budging, not until I walk down the aisle.
I told him if a man wants me in his home, he will make me his wife FIRST.

But I have been with this man going on three years and unless he gets his act together, I do not see myself marrying him, either.

Another longterm relationship= years gone by but no marriage.


So, why are some black women not married?

Maybe they have been too busy "playing married" as oppposed to doing the real thing.
Standing in the role of "wife", having babies and performing wifely duties, but never taking vows before God.

Maybe they choose not be married to the men they are with for one reason or another?

I am in my mid 30's and I am not married, have never been married, although I certainly feel like I have been.
I have had the opportunity, but I have declined.


My current SO needs to staighten up and fly right.
He is another man that I will not marry, by choice, if he doesn't.


dk

I really agree with the bold part. I have so many friends moving in with men and playing wifey instead of being his wife. I'm sorry but my children will not see me living with a man. First off we cannot have just men around our children. Second if you cannot commit then why bother. Currently I am talking (we just met so I cannot say we are dating but we talk every day) to a white man. First guy I have even considered dating that was not black. He talks about his desire to be married and finding the right woman for him. I have never really dated nor talked to a white man in this aspect before and I don't know why I thought it would be so totally different than the black men I've dated. He is not impressed at all by what I have but with who I am. I think that a lot of people try to impress each other with things. I have my own this and that, well guess what you should have your own this and that. I know people think they should be very proud of what they have but I think you should be humbled by it.

I'm sorry this reply turned into my own post. But again I feel your situation and it is very similar to my own.

 

[adf23]

And THIS is the reason why I think that many black women do not get married. Somehow, we expect black men to not succomb to stereotypes about us, but we choose to stereotype our own men and question why we don't have one?

I am sorry to if this comes off as rude, but you would have to be a DAMNED fool to believe that most black men are like this. If every black man is like this, then what kind of black woman are you? I have learned that through looking out the window, you have to still take into acount you are within that scene!

What if a black's man post of the topic read like this:

Because many are

• fat/overweight
• have to many kids *drama*
• have to many baby daddies * in some cases SUPER drama *
• no job or any old I'm-comfy-making-10.00 -an-hr-job/welfare queen
• still getting pregnant left and right
• lesbian
• already married
• immature- she lives by thinking that a pair of pumps is what makes her "bad"
• still playing mind games at the ripe old age of 37, thinking that a man thinks a weave is real
• still living with mama
• don't know how to take care of a black man, too stuck on themselves
• loud, ghetto
• aggressive
• non sexual
• jealous as Mike Epps says "Parole officers"

then once you filter them through that, you have most black women imo.

Great post, and I agree. There is no gain in listing all the ways that black men aren't this or that. Noone benefits from that type of thinking.

 

[gone_fishing]

I belive a large % of black men are in jail have been or killed early or we lack anything in common if a ugly dude was nice and treated me with respect i am sure i could be attaracted to him

http://www.youtube.com/user/jynxonline

trebaby could stand to watch this as well...

 

[Vet27]

I honestly believe that most blacks do not marry because in our community marriage and building nuclear families is not a priority. My parents were married in 1970. There wasn't another marriage until 22 years later when their son was married. A total of 4 marriages in almost FORTY YEARS. Plenty of kids and shacking up though.erplexed

Did anyone see the MTV "True Life:Arranged Marriage" that was on a couple of weeks ago? Those cultures make building families a priority. I really dug that.

i seen that. i thought it was cool. iwish some of our men wanted to build families and better lives.

 

[Overjoyed]

I can't place the blame entirely on men because there are some triflin' women out there as well. I have a male friend I've known about 10 years who is 36 years old, handsome as all heck, has a good job, his own place, no children, respectable, very family oriented and treats his momma like a first class queen. He desires to meet someone to share his life with, get married and have children.

I'm sure your next question is if he is all that why am I not with him?? Well, brotha man has grown tired of getting dogged out by women and being underappreciated until after the fact. The last girlfriend was the icing on the cake. He tried to be good to her, helped her out financially, took her on vacations and let her move in until she could find an apartment closer to her job(he wouldn't let her pay one red cent) but what does she do? Cheat on him!!!

So now he is leery about getting involved with any women for fear of as he says "his kindness being taken for weakness". For the last 6 months I have aggressively pursued him and you can kind of say we have been seeing each other, but I have grown tired of him "putting his foot in and taking it out". I sympathize with him greatly, but in the same token I am angry because I am nothing like the lowlife he dated, but now I must suffer the consequences of her actions.

This prompted me to make some changes for myself in 2008, which is to leave everyone I am seeing behind in 2007 and not commit myself to any relationship unless I am somewhat sure there is a possibilty of something bigger.

 

[CurleeDST]

Right before I met my future husband I changed my life.

1. I stopped cursing! No man wants a woman with a gutter mouth!
2. I started spending more time with God. He teaches me how I should live my life each and ever day
3. I finally became content NOT having a man in my life! I learned I am fun to be with and spent a lot of time by myself. I went to plays, movies and restaurants solo and it was quite nice
4. I let God make presentations and let the chips fall where they may. I did not force ANY of it. I just let it happen.
5. I made God #1 in my life

Once I turned inward and stopped worrying about every man I meet being my possible future husband everything worked out. I also prayed and was specific in what I wanted from the Lord and He heard me!

If we stop being so materialistic and start working on improving ourselves we ALL will be much happier whether we are married or not.

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

This is really interesting for me. This is not directed at this particular poster, but this post made the think a little bit about my own experience, which I would like to speak to. I'm not going to doubt that some women may flaunt around their degrees.... But here is my experience. I fell on the "career track" because 1. I've always been a good student 2. Opportunities to date and marry and be the "family oriented woman" I want to be just haven't came about for me yet. I would love to be a wife and a mother and make some man my king, but, part of my experience has been that I fell into the "career fast track" by default, because of lack of options (that wanted to be chosen).

It's a catch 22. I am under no illusion that a stellar career automatically means I'm a desired partner in a relationship. Matter fact, I do what I do with my career because of the family I desire someday, and not that I don't want it. I acknowledge that my relationship skills may be underdeveloped because of focus on my career. That's fine. I also acknowledge that sometimes my life is such that careers and such ends up being the conversation piece by default because it's a source of pride for me, in lieu of the relationship/family I'd like to have that hasn't materialized.

For me, some of this is a circular argument. Do I want to be the kind of woman a man desires, one that can take care of family, cooks, cleans, etc.? Absolutely. Have I had the opportunity to work on those skills? Not as much as I would desire. Being that I haven't had those opportunities, what is left? My career.

I think part of it, for me, is to be able to find a man who's willing to work with me on that part. I'm still a major work in progress, but I have the willingness to learn and do things "right." And oftentimes, men look the other way at the first mention of what I do for a living, as if that is all I aspire to, and it's certainly not, or even what I most prize in life. I could give a damn about being career woman of the year, but that's the box others have drawn for me, and lacking a partner, it's the area in life in which I can realize some sort of progression for myself.

I really look forward to being a loving wife and mother and working on my relationship skills in the future, if truly given the opportunity. I just haven't had that experience yet, so I guess I fall under this category of "non-feminine," egocentric, career-driven women, let someone else tell it.

I don't know why a large number of black women are unmarried. It probably has to do with a dozen different things, both individual and societal level. For me, a large part has been finding a man who truly wants to be in there with me for the long haul, be patient with me, see past my flaws, and love me regardless. I haven't met that man yet.

I agree with your whole post

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

http://www.youtube.com/user/jynxonline

trebaby could stand to watch this as well...

Whatever I live in Chicago I see them everyday

I live in Bronzville so one day I am walking home from the train and this is guy walks up starts talking yadda yadda yadda then he asks me if I want to go smoke some green dro first off I did not even know what that is but this is how a grown man approaces a woman give me a break

 

[CurleeDST]

Let me just say we go to school and they teach us how to succeed in business. Unfortunately there are no courses in how to succeed in relationships and balancing family and career!

 

[treybaby2005]

http://www.youtube.com/user/jynxonline

trebaby could stand to watch this as well...

This may be right about some men but not all.Most people who live in major cities could debate that video.However there was a post about how we would feel if they labeled us so I can say it can easily go both ways.