Why are a large % of black women unmarried?

[cocoberry10]

I do believe several people pass potential SOs just based on appearance. Years ago I met this guy and he was not attractive to me at all. I would never have given him a second look. I thought he was funny-looking. I had classes with him and I got to know him really well and day by day I started to become more and more attracted to him, even physically. I learned an important lesson, even though he ended up not being interested in me.

I agree with this. I also believe that sometimes we get exactly what we want, but we don't know what to do with it (almost like winning the lottery and ending up bankrupt the next year). That may sound crazy, but it's true.

I truly believe if you WANT to be married, you WILL be married. I am a Christian (I know not everyone believes in God, but since I do), I believe that God WILL give me what my heart desires. But I think some of us are not honest with ourselves about what our hearts desire.

ALSO, I do think some women expect things in a man that they do not possess themselves (but not as much as the media says). I have known BW (as well as WW, Asian women, Latina women, but the focus here is on BW so I'll stick there) who want a man that's Prince charming in looks, $$$$$$$$$$, and all these qualities, but they don't possess any of them. No, not every woman is like this, but some of us truly are.

I have a very good friend who would not be attractive by most people's standards (sorry to say it this way) and everytime one of our friends goes out with a guy, the first question she asks us (if we met our friends guy) is "is he cute?" I feel for my friend, b/c she is a wonderful person, but she is not the one to draw attention from guys when we go out, yet she's always talking about how someone else looks???? I don't understand.

Also, I don't think many Black women are open-minded enough. This is not just a plug for interracial dating, but I think that we have to open ourselves up as women, and have new and interesting experiences. Travel more, read books, go to book club events, jazz clubs, go rock climbing. You would be surprised. I have met many attractive and interesting BLACK AMERICAN men, while traveling overseas.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE YOU WILL MEET THAT MAN. You could meet him on an African safari, you could meet him in Japan. Yep, you could meet a brother in Japan. You could meet him doing charity. God brings people together in a variety of ways!

 

[cocoberry10]

I do believe several people pass potential SOs just based on appearance. Years ago I met this guy and he was not attractive to me at all. I would never have given him a second look. I thought he was funny-looking. I had classes with him and I got to know him really well and day by day I started to become more and more attracted to him, even physically. I learned an important lesson, even though he ended up not being interested in me.

Men do this just as much as women (not saying that it's okay either way, just stating the reality).

I have a really good friend that is not "attractive" by most people's standards. She's a very nice girl, but honestly, most guys look right over her. And most of my friends and I (not b/c I think so but b/c people tell us) are thought of as attractive. You have Kenya Moore and Beyonce's in our crew and I've been with her, where a guy she likes will hit on one of us right in front of her. It bugs me, and I would never date a guy my friend likes, but I know she's suffered a lot for it!

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

Let me just say we go to school and they teach us how to succeed in business. Unfortunately there are no courses in how to succeed in relationships and balancing family and career!

I learned this at home from my mom.

 

[cocoberry10]

I think a lot of women meet men who they think are "too nice" and they miss out on some good men. I almost did.

I agree with this. ALL women are guilty of this too. Not just BW (and we are all bad for it)!

 

[cocoberry10]

You are SO on point w/ this post. I have 2 advance degrees, am in management at my place of employment, have almost a fully staffed department I am responsible for and am very independent. I lived on my own, took care of myself, paid my own bills and lived the life of Riley.

Met my hubby who was single, very well paid, nicely employed on the fast track at his job. I didn't know this about him when I met him but I asked him one critical question - "do you know how to make a decision" and his answer to that was priceless. We have been inseperable ever since!

He told me the criteria women look for in a man are NOT the same things a man looks for in a woman. If a man wants to LIVE OFF OF A WOMAN he is very concerned with how much money she makes but if a man wants a true life partner he is looking for a nurturer, someone who wants to have a family, someone who can cook (so he knows his children aren't eating McDonald's every night when he isn't around) and someone with some common sense!

He says many single black women think that while they have done exceptionally well with earning degrees and climbing the corporate ladder - those skills that help them excel there are the same ones that help them excel in relationships and it isn't. And bottom line, if you are independent - you need not have to say it. A man would be able to see it plainly in how you are living! Too many women wear that on their sleeve and it can be somewhat of a turn off. He also said too many women, with their egos, think a man is easily intimidated by them. Not the case most times. Some women can be confrontational about their accomplishments which is a turn off.

Men who are babied by their mammies is an issue for us women! Many men are immature boys in a man's body who do not know how to take care of themselves or live on their own. Or some are so stuck in believing there is a shortage of black men - they just want to have their cake and eat it too.

So there are reasons on BOTH SIDES why there are so many unmarried young black men and women. Also we TEND not to get married straight outta high school like so many of our white counterparts.

Well SAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[cocoberry10]

Overjoyed I agree with Black people are too critical. I am Black but to other people they think i'm some other race, I have never had a problem getting men and good men. On the other hand my friends have hard times because I guess they don't look foreign enough.

It's annoying that most guys I have met when I was dating were more intrigued on my ethnicity. Black people have too many hangups with race, color and looks.

You are right an ugly white woman will still end up getting married but a black women will be single if she is allegedly hard on the eyes. Looks shouldn't matter.

Also I don't think black women have many options in the male dept. either and/or they are always picking the wrong men. I have friends that like the thugs, want a man that doesn't have a job.

I am married and still in my twenties but only because I changed the criteria of the men that I was attracted to. My husband is black but not your so called "typical" black man (no slang language, no jail record).

We as black women need to up our standards in men and we will prosper in the love dept. and end up married to a good and loving man.

I am curious what the bolded has to do with attracting men. I am also questioned on my ethnicity, and so are many of my friends. A lot of my friends are having difficulty meeting good men, whether they are Black, biracial, Asian, White, no matter what. And I have many Black friends who are very identifiably Black that are very happily married to wonderful men!

 

[Syrah]

MsNadi,

It so funny you say this because I was speaking to one of male friend's best friend and he basically stated what you said as the reason why I do not have a man. I find that men do automatically assume because I am educated, have a nice car, pay my own bills and don't ask for anything that my intent is to rule the roost, which is not the case.

Maybe you don't do this, but there are a lot of black women out there who think education + financial independence = marriage material. As if once you check off those few things, the men should come a callin'. And the funny thing is, there are a lot of uneducated, or women lacking financial independence who have managed to meet and marry responsible black men.

 

[Syrah]

4 million out of 35 million is still 11%. It's not like that's the majority, but I think its a significantly high number. It's not that that far-fetched to me.

An aside: I don't know the exact facts and figures, but I do know the prison industry is booming, and a lot of our men comparative to other groups are going in.

I think it could be the case that among certain age demographics they % can be relatively high. My friend is a criminologist and I believe that most offenders are in a certain age range, let's say 18-25. For women in that age range, it may seem like an overwhelming amount of Black men are in jail, compared to other age demos.

And putting into consideration those who cycles in and out of jail, on probation, parole, and/or are currently involved in illegal activities but haven't gotten caught up yet, I could get with the 11%. It's roughly 1 out of every 10 Black men.

I'm with you that there are too many black men in jail - but 1 out of 10 is 10% - I'm still wondering how that equates to "most black men".

My point - maybe if we stopped believing the worst in each other, we might actually start to LIKE each other. Black men are quick to attribute those negative attributes to all black women (the "loud mouthed", "neck twirling", "snap in your face", "tacky wig wearing" perception), even though if you ask them they don't have ANY of these type of women in their families/circle of friends. At the same time, black women are quick to say that most black men are in jail, colorstruck, "chasing the video vixen" persona (the long straight hair, oozing sexuality etc), even though none of have THESE black men in our families.

So I wonder - if you don't have any ghetto black women in my family and none of your family members are in jail - why am you (not you in particular) so quick to believe that black folks are all _______?

 

[Syrah]

I really look forward to being a loving wife and mother and working on my relationship skills in the future, if truly given the opportunity. I just haven't had that experience yet, so I guess I fall under this category of "non-feminine," egocentric, career-driven women, let someone else tell it.

I'm SOOOO glad you brought this up.

Honestly, I agree with everything you said - I look forward to playing that nurturing role in the relationship - despite the fact that I'm a Management and Strategy consultant right now. This is temporary. Me becoming a wife and mother is permanent.

The thing is - how many of us present THAT side of ourselves early on in relationships (the loving wife and mother) that you mention?? Maybe THATs it, that we think in order to attract the good men we have to be on THEIR level, not realizing that what the good men want is someone who is willing to be the support system.

It's kind of like basketball - the best teams all have a good point guard. He's not necessarily the dude scoring the points, making the all star team, dunking etc. He's the dude who SETS UP THE PLAYS, who dishes out the ball to the open man.

I want to play quarterback. I'll help you get open, dish you the ball - and you can score the touchdown. We're in this together, but I have NO problem playing the support role.

 

[Syrah]

Because many are

• in jail
• have to many kids *drama*
• have to many baby mothers * in some cases SUPER drama *
• no job or any old I'm-comfy-making-10.00 -an-hr-job
• still sticking everything with 2 and some times 1 leg
• gay
• already married
• immature- he lives by crunk music and thinks the word "flossin" is cool to say. No kidding. I know a dude like that.
• still playing mind games at the ripe old age of 37
• still living with mama

then once you filter them through that, you have most black men imo.

And the decent black girls just don't want that kind of mess.

:sigh:

Maybe the problem with some of us is that we have such a negative perception of each other that we get off on the wrong foot. Dude walks up, he's super fly, he's calm and collected, he's well dressed but not decked out in designer labels. It's a shame that he would have to go through the ENTIRE checklist you've outlined above, just to get past "can I call you sometime??".

By the time you get to question number 4 (do you have a job or are you cool making $10 an hour the rest of your life?), he's already on to Becky, who for whatever reason is ready to accept him at face value until he proves otherwise...

 

[Syrah]

What if a black's man post of the topic read like this:

Because many are

• fat/overweight
• have to many kids *drama*
• have to many baby daddies * in some cases SUPER drama *
• no job or any old I'm-comfy-making-10.00 -an-hr-job/welfare queen
• still getting pregnant left and right
• lesbian
• already married
• immature- she lives by thinking that a pair of pumps is what makes her "bad"
• still playing mind games at the ripe old age of 37, thinking that a man thinks a weave is real
• still living with mama
• don't know how to take care of a black man, too stuck on themselves
• loud, ghetto
• aggressive
• non sexual
• jealous as Mike Epps says "Parole officers"

then once you filter them through that, you have most black women imo.

AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!

Maybe that's why we're losing out to chicks of other races (in some rare instances) - when Brother A walks up, we're assuming the worst. When Whiteboy B walks by, we take him at face value. And when Persianboy C walks up (and we get passed the choking cologne), we think "cha ching!".

It's backwards.

And yet, some ladies are in here acting like the reason WE are not getting married is because of THEM. Last I checked, USA Today said black men are getting married faster than WE are. And MOST of them are marrying sisters (with a few splatterings of other color). So if they're getting married, and we're not - could part of the problem be staring back at us in the mirror?

 

[gone_fishing]

AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!

Maybe that's why we're losing out to chicks of other races (in some rare instances) is because when Brother A walks up, we're assuming the worst. When Whiteboy B walks by, we take him at face value. And when Persianboy C walks up (and we get passed the choking cologne), we think "cha ching!".

It's backwards.

And yet, some ladies are in here acting like the reason WE are not getting married is because of THEM. Last I checked, USA Today said black men are getting married faster than WE are. And MOST of them are marrying sisters (with a few splatterings of other color). So if they're getting married, and we're not - could part of the problem be staring back at us in the mirror?

You're handling tihs all very well. This is a nice thread. I tried to convey this message but not as eloquently as you did. Good job.

 

[tocktick]

this is an interesting thread. i think the career vs family dilemma is one that affects many women who are living in a "post-feminism movement" world.

i had a conversation with a friend not long ago about marriage. it's not on the cards now for either of us as we are 19 but we both expressed that we wanted to be married with children at some point in our lives. for me personally, i couldn't imagine having a child after the age of 35 (although my mum did, i don't want to...). of course, i don't want a child out of wedlock either. so my dilemma was that during my 20s i plan to live in at least three countries (where i am now, the states & italy) in a short period of time. by the time i'm around 26, i'd be ready to move back to england permanently.

i just cannot see myself with a partner who would be willing to travel from country to country with me as it's my dream and not his own. so when would i have the time to have a serious relationship? i'd want to be married maybe within 2 1/2 - 3 years of being in a committed relationship if the match was right. that's doable but then i can't see where children would fit in. personally, children at age 29+ is pushing it for me. at 28-30, i think my career would be gaining more momentum and reaching a high point, so i wouldn't want kids then. so when exactly will i have them and if do, i would want to stay home for a while. where would i have the time to take a good amount of time out and just stay at home for with my man and children?

it seems like there is not enough time for any of this because i have high ambitions. i want to run a successful company and i feel like being the boss, i'd be tied to the office for a lot of time. i dont want to put my dreams on hold for 10+ years to get married and have children and then forge out my career. but being a "career-woman", i feel like my children would have to be dumped with nannies if i were to have then later.

i realise men have been doing what i want to for years even with children but more often than not, their women were at home so it wasn't like they had conflicting schedules and couldn't spend time together. it's just difficult knowing that my plans for the future may potentially ruin my relationships. i suppose i need to start believing it wont.

ugh. idk. i'm confused.

 

[Syrah]

it seems like there is not enough time for any of this because i have high ambitions. i want to run a successful company and i feel like being the boss, i'd be tied to the office for a lot of time. i dont want to put my dreams on hold for 10+ years to get married and have children and then forge out my career. but being a "career-woman", i feel like my children would have to be dumped with nannies if i were to have then later.

.

Why does it have to be one or the other?? If a family and a successful career are what you want (maybe in the reverse order) who says you can't have both AT THE SAME TIME?? It just means you find someone who is with that plan. Who can fit into that landscape...

 

[tocktick]

.
Why does it have to be one or the other?? If a family and a successful career are what you want (maybe in the reverse order) who says you can't have both AT THE SAME TIME?? It just means you find someone who is with that plan. Who can fit into that landscape...

i have it in my head that one those areas, my home life or career, is inevitably just going to suffer anyway if i try to be as dedicated as i want to be to both. maybe part of it is due to being indoctrinated with countless messages that women cannot really have both. everything i read/see about a successful woman with a family is that she's "juggling her family" or trying to "find the balance". my mother works a lot and i feel bad for my little brother because she doesn't spend that much time with him and she feels so guilty about it. i don't want that to be me.

i suppose knowing the way i'd have to work later on and how much dedication what i want to do needs, i feel like it may not happen for me just due to working all the time. or if it does happen, then my family will have to pay the price. so many of my plans are designed with only me in mind with no real thought to how meeting someone could change the course of my life. right now i can't foresee meeting a man who'd be willing to travel from england to the u.s to italy then back to england or from the u.s to italy to england etc. i'm not saying it could never happen, i'd love it if it could but i feel like it's so far fetched.

i haven't thought about whether i would stay in a country if i met someone because if i did then there would have to be a sacrifice. i suppose a part of me is afraid that i will stay there then later down the line, i'll come to realise that it was a sacrifice i should have never made that has thrown me off course in terms of achieving my dreams.

i think maybe a factor in why a lot of black women don't get married is possibly because they were brought up in single parent families or have witnessed the inner-workings of one. we've seen our mothers/aunts etc get burned by men or run down by hardships so sub-consciously we work hard (even with their encouragements to "stay in school" etc) so that we are financially secure and maybe we also aren't as open to relationships with men because of what we've seen growing up. this is just a theory, of course. but i know seeing my mum struggle has made me extremely determined (maybe even to a fault) to be very successful and i know i can achieve what i want and i plan to. but at what cost? i sometimes wonder if after achieving all of this i would even be happy with anything. i think about just letting life "run it's course" without such a structure to things but then i feel like i'd end up unsatisfied with where i am career and finance-wise later on in life. growing up without much i now have somewhat of a fear about being stuck in this cycle of always trying to make ends meet for the rest of my life.

to some extent, i guess my fears are unwarranted because this is quite ahead in the future.

 

[bLackButtaFly]

I'm with you that there are too many black men in jail - but 1 out of 10 is 10% - I'm still wondering how that equates to "most black men".

My point - maybe if we stopped believing the worst in each other, we might actually start to LIKE each other. Black men are quick to attribute those negative attributes to all black women (the "loud mouthed", "neck twirling", "snap in your face", "tacky wig wearing" perception), even though if you ask them they don't have ANY of these type of women in their families/circle of friends. At the same time, black women are quick to say that most black men are in jail, colorstruck, "chasing the video vixen" persona (the long straight hair, oozing sexuality etc), even though none of have THESE black men in our families.

So I wonder - if you don't have any ghetto black women in my family and none of your family members are in jail - why am you (not you in particular) so quick to believe that black folks are all _______?

I guess I don't have great family, b/c I have these men allllll in my family. I don't classify all men, no matter the race, but the statistics(in terms of jail, and a little colorstruck), and women(some of the negative stereotypes) are definitely members of my family. I still love them though, and what they are doesn't make them bad ppl, but that's them.

 

[Syrah]

I guess I don't have great family, b/c I have these men allllll in my family. I don't classify all men, no matter the race, but the statistics(in terms of jail, and a little colorstruck), and women(some of the negative stereotypes) are definitely members of my family. I still love them though, and what they are doesn't make them bad ppl, but that's them.

...I just went back and re-read my post - talk about Grammatical errors.

My point is just that why are we so quick to believe the worst in each other, when our day to day interactions don't necessarily agree with those negative opinions? It doesn't mean that all black men are our knights in shining armour - cuz they're not (lord knows some have a LOOOOOOONG way to go), but if we want men to become certain things, we've got to start nurturing them to play the role.

 

[Theo]

Interesting enough, my niece is a junior at Hampton University and her mother instilled in her to make sure she looks for a husband while in college. She had a high school sweetheart and the mom was trying to get them hitched until he dumped her daughter. CRAZY!

Obviously I go there...
So how is that going for her?
Many have tried and failed...

 

[treybaby2005]

I agree with this. I also believe that sometimes we get exactly what we want, but we don't know what to do with it (almost like winning the lottery and ending up bankrupt the next year). That may sound crazy, but it's true.

I truly believe if you WANT to be married, you WILL be married. I am a Christian (I know not everyone believes in God, but since I do), I believe that God WILL give me what my heart desires. But I think some of us are not honest with ourselves about what our hearts desire.

ALSO, I do think some women expect things in a man that they do not possess themselves (but not as much as the media says). I have known BW (as well as WW, Asian women, Latina women, but the focus here is on BW so I'll stick there) who want a man that's Prince charming in looks, $$$$$$$$$$, and all these qualities, but they don't possess any of them. No, not every woman is like this, but some of us truly are.

I have a very good friend who would not be attractive by most people's standards (sorry to say it this way) and everytime one of our friends goes out with a guy, the first question she asks us (if we met our friends guy) is "is he cute?" I feel for my friend, b/c she is a wonderful person, but she is not the one to draw attention from guys when we go out, yet she's always talking about how someone else looks???? I don't understand.

Also, I don't think many Black women are open-minded enough. This is not just a plug for interracial dating, but I think that we have to open ourselves up as women, and have new and interesting experiences. Travel more, read books, go to book club events, jazz clubs, go rock climbing. You would be surprised. I have met many attractive and interesting BLACK AMERICAN men, while traveling overseas.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE YOU WILL MEET THAT MAN. You could meet him on an African safari, you could meet him in Japan. Yep, you could meet a brother in Japan. You could meet him doing charity. God brings people together in a variety of ways!

That is funny because I know a person like that and she is extremly overweight she also is the first one to ask if the person is fat and what kind of car do they drive and she doesn't even have a car!

 

[treybaby2005]

Maybe you don't do this, but there are a lot of black women out there who think education + financial independence = marriage material. As if once you check off those few things, the men should come a callin'. And the funny thing is, there are a lot of uneducated, or women lacking financial independence who have managed to meet and marry responsible black men.

I have to agree with you on that one.I will be the first to say I cannot cook.I'm getting better!I did think that at one point.Its not really fair in a way.I mean you grow up thinking if I am successful,I should have no problem finding a husband.Wrong!However,there was someone on here that said she wants a man that is willing to go halfway with her and take her for who she is even if she isn't the best cook or the cleanest.Personally,I love to be a housewife and not work,but in todays world that doesn't always work.We as black women are taught to be able to hold our own because you may have to at some point in time in your life because men can just decide to leave anyday.I also agree that some women may bring baggage along into their new relationship causing many issues.I am guilty!

 

[Overjoyed]

That is funny because I know a person like that and she is extremly overweight she also is the first one to ask if the person is fat and what kind of car do they drive and she doesn't even have a car!

With that being said is it fair to say that people should date within their own league?

 

[JewelleNY]

Right before I met my future husband I changed my life.

1. I stopped cursing! No man wants a woman with a gutter mouth!
2. I started spending more time with God. He teaches me how I should live my life each and ever day
3. I finally became content NOT having a man in my life! I learned I am fun to be with and spent a lot of time by myself. I went to plays, movies and restaurants solo and it was quite nice
4. I let God make presentations and let the chips fall where they may. I did not force ANY of it. I just let it happen.
5. I made God #1 in my life

Once I turned inward and stopped worrying about every man I meet being my possible future husband everything worked out. I also prayed and was specific in what I wanted from the Lord and He heard me!

If we stop being so materialistic and start working on improving ourselves we ALL will be much happier whether we are married or not.

Hi CurleeDST, I really appreciate your advice and tips

 

[Bunny77]

With that being said is it fair to say that people should date within their own league?

I think people should be realistic. I mean hey, I can set my sights on a bazillionaire and I just might get him... Nothing wrong with that!

The problem is, if I'm rejecting dudes who make, say, $60K, when I know that I'm not exactly ballin' myself, then that's a problem.

You can have standards and even try to get something "better" than what you are, but if you're being unrealistic in your expectations, then that's the issue!

 

[MizAvalon]

So, why are some black women not married?

Maybe they have been too busy "playing married" as oppposed to doing the real thing.
Standing in the role of "wife", having babies and performing wifely duties, but never taking vows before God.

SO many women are living like this and unhappy. It's a shame.

 

[Bunny77]

Also, I don't think many Black women are open-minded enough. This is not just a plug for interracial dating, but I think that we have to open ourselves up as women, and have new and interesting experiences. Travel more, read books, go to book club events, jazz clubs, go rock climbing. You would be surprised. I have met many attractive and interesting BLACK AMERICAN men, while traveling overseas.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE YOU WILL MEET THAT MAN. You could meet him on an African safari, you could meet him in Japan. Yep, you could meet a brother in Japan. You could meet him doing charity. God brings people together in a variety of ways!

This is so true!!! I don't know how many times I've heard black women complain that they don't meet any decent men, and yet, they admit they only go to work/school (or both) and church and that's it. Okay, maybe they go to a black professional singles mixer every once in a while, but those are often "meet" markets, so then we'll complain that when we do go out, the men are only interested in one thing or the men won't talk to us.

If you want to meet more men, black or otherwise, you've got to expand your circles and try some different things!!!

 

[Bunny77]

I can't place the blame entirely on men because there are some triflin' women out there as well. I have a male friend I've known about 10 years who is 36 years old, handsome as all heck, has a good job, his own place, no children, respectable, very family oriented and treats his momma like a first class queen. He desires to meet someone to share his life with, get married and have children.

I'm sure your next question is if he is all that why am I not with him?? Well, brotha man has grown tired of getting dogged out by women and being underappreciated until after the fact. The last girlfriend was the icing on the cake. He tried to be good to her, helped her out financially, took her on vacations and let her move in until she could find an apartment closer to her job(he wouldn't let her pay one red cent) but what does she do? Cheat on him!!!

So now he is leery about getting involved with any women for fear of as he says "his kindness being taken for weakness". For the last 6 months I have aggressively pursued him and you can kind of say we have been seeing each other, but I have grown tired of him "putting his foot in and taking it out". I sympathize with him greatly, but in the same token I am angry because I am nothing like the lowlife he dated, but now I must suffer the consequences of her actions.

This prompted me to make some changes for myself in 2008, which is to leave everyone I am seeing behind in 2007 and not commit myself to any relationship unless I am somewhat sure there is a possibilty of something bigger.

I'm glad that you are going to cut this guy loose.

Here's the deal. I think of this man the same way I think of women who talk about being leery of getting involved with men because of past experiences... the issue is, what is it about HIM that keeps him with losers?

I mean, it sounds like he got into Captain Save-a-*** mode with this chick... he found someone who "needed" him and he put out all this money and support for this woman who obviously wasn't worth it, and now he wants to be mad at all women? I bet he turned down/ignored the women who seemed to have it together because they wouldn't "need him" and picked the "needy" one and it bit him in the ***.

Now, I know men want to be needed and aren't necessarily looking for someone who has it all, as MsNadi said, but the other side of that is the foolishness that this man exhibited here. So I don't feel sorry for him... and if he wants to play the "Woe is me, I can't trust women again so I'm gonna be aloof," then F him!

Oh, and NEVER aggressively pursue a man! It never works and it's rarely worth the trouble. If he wants you, he'll come after you and you'll know it!

 

[Nefertiti0906]

Hi CurleeDST, I really appreciate your advice and tips

Ditto. I'm learning to stop getting advice from single ladies and to listen to ladies in healthy relationships

 

[janiebaby]

Ditto. I'm learning to stop getting advice from single ladies and to listen to ladies in healthy relationships

 

[shocol]

AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!

Maybe that's why we're losing out to chicks of other races (in some rare instances) - when Brother A walks up, we're assuming the worst. When Whiteboy B walks by, we take him at face value. And when Persianboy C walks up (and we get passed the choking cologne), we think "cha ching!".

It's backwards.

And yet, some ladies are in here acting like the reason WE are not getting married is because of THEM. Last I checked, USA Today said black men are getting married faster than WE are. And MOST of them are marrying sisters (with a few splatterings of other color). So if they're getting married, and we're not - could part of the problem be staring back at us in the mirror?

IMO, 'Why are a large % of black women unmarried?', is just another cleverly disguised version of Blame the Black Woman Syndrome. Of course, the reason we are not getting married is because of them, and yes in a community where the women have low marriage rates and low outdating rates, it is entirely possible for black men to get married faster than we are. All this self-analyzing and dissecting, nobody has put forth the simplest reason why we aren't getting married and that is because a great majority of us aren't being asked. In a patriarchal society, which we are, MEN ask WOMEN for their hands in marriage. So I could see, if an individual BW analyzed herself during/after a relationship that is not going in the direction she thought it would. However if we're going to extend that question to encompass the whole community, IMO, you can't leave out the male part of the equation. It must be asked, "Why aren't black men seeking marriage with black women in greater numbers?".

...And MOST of them are marrying sisters (with a few splatterings of other color).

Why doesit matter that most black men are marrying sisters? If you're a marriage minded woman, it should only matter in the context of how this affects the marriage/singleness rates for black women. From where I'm sitting, marriage is the exception not the rule in the black community. Otherwise, this is just some feel good propoganda.

My intention is not to make people angry or bring anyone down. It's just that feel that black women are used to accepting the blame and all responsibility for a solution to the black community's problems.

 

[gone_fishing]

Men don't need to get married, woman collectively have made it FAR to easy for them. The whole "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" philosophy.

They don't have to court or even date a woman, just get a cell or house phone number and ask to come "chill" at your place or you come by his place, and this is in the first week

Sex starts within the first few weeks to few months

What incentive is there for a man to get to know a woman as a person when she's offering up everything on a platter the first few weeks of knowing him? Taking on the wifely duties to show him what a good wife she can be but not taking into account whether he would make a good friend much less boyfriend or husband.

And say the relationship lasts more than 6 months or a woman gets pregnant, there is no 'pressure' (not the word I'm looking for but it's 2am) to get married and form a family. Having children OOW is the norm so why bother being tied down to a woman and her kid when he can have 3 or 4 woman and eleventy children and everyone looks the other way?

There is no incentive for men to marry anymore. Repeated years of free reign has put them on a power trip. Men making $18k a year flipping burgers at Wendy's are asking for prenup cause Fiddy got one and "broads" are out for his paper.

Your whole post was excellent. It made me and at the same time.