Thread for the heartbroken

lavaflow99 said:
He's disturbing your peace so probably best to go no-contact. Delete/block if you have to or change his number to Do Not Answer. And get back to doing things that you love.....time for self care in overdrive!!
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As soon as I hung up I changed his name to Do Not Answer. And then my phone accidentally called him when I was closing out the contact screen! Smh I will get past this. At the moment I will sulk on the couch for a while and watch episodes of The Office. But these feelings will go away and I will be fine.

ETA: I came back to add that I was feeling exactly like this when I ended my long term relationship in December 2016. I felt so guilty and awful even though he had clearly checked out of the relationship. I hate being the one to end things and being the bad guy I'm realizing. I'd much rather be dumped so I can feel better about things and move on easier. Anger is easier than guilt and sadness. I discovered this about myself in therapy and it's something we're digging into a little deeper.
 
LdyKamz said:
As soon as I hung up I changed his name to Do Not Answer. And then my phone accidentally called him when I was closing out the contact screen! Smh I will get past this. At the moment I will sulk on the couch for a while and watch episodes of The Office. But these feelings will go away and I will be fine.

ETA: I came back to add that I was feeling exactly like this when I ended my long term relationship in December 2016. I felt so guilty and awful even though he had clearly checked out of the relationship. I hate being the one to end things and being the bad guy I'm realizing. I'd much rather be dumped so I can feel better about things and move on easier. Anger is easier than guilt and sadness. I discovered this about myself in therapy and it's something we're digging into a little deeper.
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In therapy I recently learned that not only was I the codependent “fixer” but that I had also been the “peacemaker.” Like I couldn’t tolerate rough seas etc., intense arguing, etc. So I purposely now deal with confrontation head on. I also always want to be seen as “nice.” So now I tell myself so what if I come across as mean or selfish? I don’t care. I have the right to take good care of myself and do what’s best for me. This is my life and I’m in charge of my life. And hey everybody else is in charge of their life. I am not the caretaker of the world. It’s an ongoing challenge but I am much happier confronting myself and changing myself.

I tell the inner critic to go sit down somewhere and quit criticizing me and trying to guilt me. Ain’t nobody got time for that lol.
 
LdyKamz said:
@hopeful You're right. I'm leaving this one alone. I called him last night to set up a time so he could get his little closure if he wanted it and he didn't answer but instead sent me a text saying he's already in bed and can we talk tomorrow. I can now see through this little game and I'm not playing. I don't fault him for it because I understand he his hurt and upset that things are over but I'm not interested in dragging things out. And I have to do what's best for me and at this time I do not think he is the one. I'm owning that decision.
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Men always get mad when things dont end on their terms
 
We finally had our talk and during this conversation he tried to convince himself (and me!) that he was ending the relationship :drunk: I let him have it and didn't say a word. He ended by saying he didn't need closure but thought I needed it because I had texted him to say to mail me my book and then sent another text the next day saying I already bought another one (which I did - it came yesterday). Still I didn't say anything and let him go on. He talked until he was out of breath and at the end I said "okay. Is there anything else you would like to say?" He said "no, I'm gonna get back to work" I said okay and then he said he would like to be friends but he needs a little space for the moment. Again I said okay. And finally he said "okay i'm going now" and he hung up. I think I spoke 3 times during the conversation and all 3 times all I said was "okay". I hope he got it out of his system and I'm glad it's over with. I have now blocked him in case he hasn't. I hate to do it but I do not want any contact. Just want to move on.
 
I've been seeing someone since May. And that relationship hasn't been good at all for the most part. He is emotionally unavailable I find myself almost beg for attention. I give more than he gives in the relationship.

When he is in need of compassion/kindness/whatever I'm always available and ready to give. When I'm in need he suddenly becomes unavailable. His phones don't go through and he blue ticks my messages. When he promises he doesn't deliver and when I follow up he treats me like a nuisance.


I've had issues with low self esteem and I've been in therapy for a while cos of other issues root to the low self esteem. Also last year I lost my mom so I've been emotionally all over the place.

I've tried to walk away from the relationship and failed.

Last few weeks I went home to celebrate my mom's life on her 1yr anniversary in heaven with all my family and extended family.

I forgot how I'm treated at home. We are now orphans. And my brothers are 'deputy dads' and absolutely adore me and my whole family just treats me like their little princess. I'm doted on etc.

Now that I'm back my perspective has changed. And I see this relationship differently.

This guy I've been seeing needed my help on Saturday. I said I would help. As I was about do it and my spirit caused me pause. And I realised I didn't want to do it. Today on reflection I realised that I was going to help not cause I wanted to help but cause I wanted to prove to him that I'm worthy of love and attention. I was basically buying his love and attention. I knew then it was time to go.

I haven't told him I won't help. I just keep blue ticking him and completely ignoring him blatantly. I wanted him to taste his own medicine.

But yesterday I realised I didn't care anymore. I realised that the kind of marriage I want and the guy I'm seeing don't align. So he has to go.

Today I woke up feeling a peace and contentment. My family reminded me that I'm loved, worthy of love and loveable. I don't have to buy those things. And made me realise what I'm not getting in this relationship.

When I started ignoring him after 2days he stopped contacting me after throwing a tantrum.

I will not be the one to reach out to him.

I've emotionally checked out. And I'm done. If he doesn't get in touch it's ok. That's it. If he gets in touch I would have to tell him I'm done and break up with him.

I'm not sure how to break up with him. He has to call me. I'm not texting or emailing (We are long distance), I recently discovered that he shares our conversations with his friends and they discuss me. So he has to call me.

I'm just content and at peace at this point. I'm just done. No heart palpitations etc. It's all just peace and quiet. No exhausting anxiety.

I just feel deeply sad when I see how long I sank to be in this relationship.

But I'm ready to start working myself so I can attract the kind of relationship and love I desire.

How do I break up with him though? What do I say? Aaaaargghh!

I'm loving the emotional space I'm occupying now. Peace and contentment I haven't felt in a very long time.
 
I have therapy tonight and I am half excited, half dreading it. I'm going to have to discuss my break up with #1 since I haven't had a session since he and I had our little closure conversation. I don't want to talk about it but I know Guy is going to ask me since when we last left off I was telling him I was just going to ghost #1 so I wouldn't have to deal with an actual breakup. He encouraged me to just pull the band-aid off and he will want an update. Ugh!
 
sarumoki said:
@frobellete I would just cut off contact and not say anything. Block and delete. He'll get the message if he hasn't already. But that's just me.

What is blue ticking?
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Agreed :yep:. Keep it moving @frobellete he’s not worth the time or energy. Enjoy the peace and contentment you are feeling and keep moving forward. And so sorry about you losing your mom. And so happy that you have family that adores you.
 
@frobellete Your current mindset is one that comes only after deep reflection in order to figure out the source of your true feelings and actions. Very few people are ever honest enough with themselves when it comes to why they attract and seek the attention of unavailable men.

It is important that you stay this honest with yourself. You don’t owe him any explanation. There is a quote I read once that said “no one owes you an explanation for why they don’t want to be with you.” (Or something like that)

That’s true because deep down, we know when something isn’t working. But we would rather stay in the relationship instead of facing that truth and pain. He didn’t give you the respect of being upfront about why he’s been treating you the way he did. Likewise, you don’t owe him any reason why you are moving on with your life. Besides, he already knows.

I wanted to share the poem with you below. You are so worthy of the kind of love that is magnetic, that excites you and fills you with bliss. It’s waiting on you to dig through all the other emotions thats clouding your judgment so you can find exactly what you want.
 

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Sally. said:
@frobellete Your current mindset is one that comes only after deep reflection in order to figure out the source of your true feelings and actions. Very few people are ever honest enough with themselves when it comes to why they attract and seek the attention of unavailable men.

It is important that you stay this honest with yourself. You don’t owe him any explanation. There is a quote I read once that said “no one owes you an explanation for why they don’t want to be with you.” (Or something like that)

That’s true because deep down, we know when something isn’t working. But we would rather stay in the relationship instead of facing that truth and pain. He didn’t give you the respect of being upfront about why he’s been treating you the way he did. Likewise, you don’t owe him any reason why you are moving on with your life. Besides, he already knows.

I wanted to share the poem with you below. You are so worthy of the kind of love that is magnetic, that excites you and fills you with bliss. It’s waiting on you to dig through all the other emotions thats clouding your judgment so you can find exactly what you want.
Click to expand...


Thank you so much for this. I really don't owe him an explanation for anything. 'He already knows why....' that's a deep truth. So I will leave him be.

Thanks for the poem. I want a love that is ready. I've saved it for future reference.
 
hopeful said:
In therapy I recently learned that not only was I the codependent “fixer” but that I had also been the “peacemaker.” Like I couldn’t tolerate rough seas etc., intense arguing, etc. So I purposely now deal with confrontation head on. I also always want to be seen as “nice.” So now I tell myself so what if I come across as mean or selfish? I don’t care. I have the right to take good care of myself and do what’s best for me. This is my life and I’m in charge of my life. And hey everybody else is in charge of their life. I am not the caretaker of the world. It’s an ongoing challenge but I am much happier confronting myself and changing myself.

I tell the inner critic to go sit down somewhere and quit criticizing me and trying to guilt me. Ain’t nobody got time for that lol.
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These are beautiful affirmations Hopeful. :kiss: I'm glad you're feeling better on the inside. It's very inspiring.
 
So my therapist is amazing! He basically told me what everyone else has been telling which is to quit feeling guilty. But he also said that perhaps what I'm feeling isn't guilt. We came to the conclusion together that it was sort of a "not quite satisfied" feeling. I honestly didn't know what I needed to change the feeling so we went through some scenarios - a big fight and yelling at him, him begging me to stay, him yelling at me and telling me why I'm a terrible person. In other words some sort of relationship crescendo that would make the outcome seem more sensible. It appears I'm trying to make sense of things since #1 never really did anything to me and there seems to be no logical reason for me to break up with him. For some reason I can't just sit with the feeling of him not being it. In my mind there has to be some grand reason for him not being it like he's a jerk, he's a cheater, he's a liar or something.

Guy (my therapist) joked with me that it's because I've been reading all these self help books and in most of them (including his) there is usually the advice to feel your feelings, identify them honestly and be OK with making a decision based on that feeling. My response was "Exactly! And I'm not feeling anything at all!" And he just gave me an aha look and was like "Feeling nothing at all is a perfect reason to break up with someone." And I just sat there quietly and let that sink in. Therapy was very helpful.
 
frobellete said:
I've been seeing someone since May. And that relationship hasn't been good at all for the most part. He is emotionally unavailable I find myself almost beg for attention. I give more than he gives in the relationship.

When he is in need of compassion/kindness/whatever I'm always available and ready to give. When I'm in need he suddenly becomes unavailable. His phones don't go through and he blue ticks my messages. When he promises he doesn't deliver and when I follow up he treats me like a nuisance.


I've had issues with low self esteem and I've been in therapy for a while cos of other issues root to the low self esteem. Also last year I lost my mom so I've been emotionally all over the place.

I've tried to walk away from the relationship and failed.

Last few weeks I went home to celebrate my mom's life on her 1yr anniversary in heaven with all my family and extended family.

I forgot how I'm treated at home. We are now orphans. And my brothers are 'deputy dads' and absolutely adore me and my whole family just treats me like their little princess. I'm doted on etc.

Now that I'm back my perspective has changed. And I see this relationship differently.

This guy I've been seeing needed my help on Saturday. I said I would help. As I was about do it and my spirit caused me pause. And I realised I didn't want to do it. Today on reflection I realised that I was going to help not cause I wanted to help but cause I wanted to prove to him that I'm worthy of love and attention. I was basically buying his love and attention. I knew then it was time to go.

I haven't told him I won't help. I just keep blue ticking him and completely ignoring him blatantly. I wanted him to taste his own medicine.

But yesterday I realised I didn't care anymore. I realised that the kind of marriage I want and the guy I'm seeing don't align. So he has to go.

Today I woke up feeling a peace and contentment. My family reminded me that I'm loved, worthy of love and loveable. I don't have to buy those things. And made me realise what I'm not getting in this relationship.

When I started ignoring him after 2days he stopped contacting me after throwing a tantrum.

I will not be the one to reach out to him.

I've emotionally checked out. And I'm done. If he doesn't get in touch it's ok. That's it. If he gets in touch I would have to tell him I'm done and break up with him.

I'm not sure how to break up with him. He has to call me. I'm not texting or emailing (We are long distance), I recently discovered that he shares our conversations with his friends and they discuss me. So he has to call me.

I'm just content and at peace at this point. I'm just done. No heart palpitations etc. It's all just peace and quiet. No exhausting anxiety.

I just feel deeply sad when I see how long I sank to be in this relationship.

But I'm ready to start working myself so I can attract the kind of relationship and love I desire.

How do I break up with him though? What do I say? Aaaaargghh!

I'm loving the emotional space I'm occupying now. Peace and contentment I haven't felt in a very long time.
Click to expand...

Truthfully...he is not worthy of you. Please do not waste any more of your precious time that you can never get back on this person. He's taking advantage of you and does not appreciate your love.

God made you and has said that "you are fearfully and wonderfully made." So, remind yourself that you must have, you will have a man who will love and appreciate you. Listen to your family who are telling you the truth about your importance and your value.

If you keep holding tightly into he who is a waste time, how will you be able to open your hands to receive the man who will love and cherish you? You have to gradually learn how to be happy and content...alone. Those feelings of peace and being contented is confirmation that you need to keep walking on your journey without this person.

You owe him no explanation as to the break up. Let him go before he breaks your heart. Believe me, it may take a while but if you give yourself ample time, you.will.get.over.him!

Though a decent man is a joy to be around, you really won't be able to enjoy him until you really learn how to enjoy your own company. (I learned this myself from personal experience). When I got rid of the riff-raff that was in my life, I met my DH who has truly been a blessing to me.

If it is meant for you to have a quality relationship with a man, it will happen. However, with or without one, you are precious and are an awesome woman who is made in the image and likeness of God.

(And anyway, your Mom would not want you to allow some man to mess over you. She would want you to have the best).:rose:
 
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Got a text cancelling my therapy session cos my therapist isn't well.

Woke up with this need to talk to him. God knows why. I think a part of me hopes he will try to fight for me, explain his way out etc and say we can work this out.

Truthfully this is not the kind of relationship I desire. So I don't know why these yearnings. Wish it would all stop and just move on with life.

Maybe it's not about him but my desire for validation/be wanted? Oh I don't know!
 
@frobellete
Our minds search for the familiar and what feels comfortable. You have to override that desire. Know it’s normal and that you must overcome that desire. You have to talk to yourself, be firm and loving, like you would be with a child. I know you want that, I understand, I love you, but no, that is not what is best for me and I want what’s best for me. You may have to calm your mind down again and again. Eventually, like a child, your mind will move on to something else.
 
hopeful said:
@frobellete
Our minds search for the familiar and what feels comfortable. You have to override that desire. Know it’s normal and that you must overcome that desire. You have to talk to yourself, be firm and loving, like you would be with a child. I know you want that, I understand, I love you, but no, that is not what is best for me and I want what’s best for me. You may have to calm your mind down again and again. Eventually, like a child, your mind will move on to something else.
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Thanks for this. I gave my heart a good talking to. Last night I rang a friend and I kept him on the phone for absolute ages. He made me laugh about many aspects of that relationship. Helped me laugh at myself and parts of the situation. The laughter was healing.

We talked at length and I started to see things in a different way, saw red flags I may have missed.

This morning I woke up and prayed (yet to meditate). I had a very productive meeting first thing at work. Made me feel good.

I'm also working to forgive myself. And I've picked up on things I'm grateful for today and so far in life.

I still catch myself having conversations with him in my head. Mostly it's me telling him how he made me feel. I don't know why, but I have those conversations. Maybe it's the process of healing.

I started prioritising myself and my well being. I deactivated my accounts on some social media platforms. At first I didn't want to cos I didn't want him to think he had that much effect on me. But I don't care anymore. My behaviour on those platforms were be coming unhealthy, with me stalking his page etc. I was so much precious unproductive time on that.

When I came back from my visit home I decided to do a 'love tour' for the next couple of months. The main purpose is to surround myself with and to keep myself aware of and present to the love that is so abundant in my life. I've been blind to so much of it ending up feeling like I'm loveable and clinging on to dysfunctional relationships.

I'm going to take time each month to visit people I love and know love me. I start in 2 weeks time where I visit one of my oldest friends for the weekend. Just spend time with her and just be.

After that I will visit my cousin and later another friend. I'm also going to plan a great Christmas holiday too that is full of love. Maybe visit my sister or my friends. Depending on finances.

I still feel a teeny weeny bit of pain. But in time. I hope it will go. My biggest celebration is that i am not paralysed with anxiety. Which is something I struggled with the most in my last 2 break ups.
 
Last night before I went to sleep I looked myself in the mirror and thanked myself for being this amazing person; my resilience and commitment to learning to love myself unconditionally and completely among other things.

This morning I woke up with my heart a little bruised and I was feeling a little bit rejected. I took extra time doing my personal care. Instead of working from home I went to my friend's house and worked from there. I went grocery shopping on my way home. It feels good to be taking steps to looking after myself again. I caught up on work, I let a lot of things slip last week feeling sorry for myself. Now I am about to start cleaning up my place and doing my overdue laundry etc.

Each time I felt like going on to the social media platforms where I deactivated my accounts I texted a friend instead. He too has gone off social media in solidarity with me. We have decided to channel our energies to being productive/learning a new skill instead.

It feels so good to be getting myself back on track again!
 
hopeful said:
In therapy I recently learned that not only was I the codependent “fixer” but that I had also been the “peacemaker.” Like I couldn’t tolerate rough seas etc., intense arguing, etc. So I purposely now deal with confrontation head on. I also always want to be seen as “nice.” So now I tell myself so what if I come across as mean or selfish? I don’t care. I have the right to take good care of myself and do what’s best for me. This is my life and I’m in charge of my life. And hey everybody else is in charge of their life. I am not the caretaker of the world. It’s an ongoing challenge but I am much happier confronting myself and changing myself.

I tell the inner critic to go sit down somewhere and quit criticizing me and trying to guilt me. Ain’t nobody got time for that lol.
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I'm getting to this point too. I used to overinvest trying to keep all my friends together and keeping us all friends. I've stopped this task now. None of us talk. We seem fragmented and I miss them dearly. But if they missed me as much as I miss them they would at least take some kind of step in my direction. *I don't have time*
 
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