Spin-off: Are you married without the paper???

Are you married without the paper?

  • Never

    Votes: 99 64.7%

  • Yes I am currently shacking up but we have (almost have) a wedding date

    Votes: 12 7.8%

  • I am currently shacking up but we never even discussed marriage in the future

    Votes: 5 3.3%

  • I don't want to get married

    Votes: 6 3.9%

  • He doesn't want to get married

    Votes: 4 2.6%

  • Other

    Votes: 27 17.6%
  • Total voters
    153
  • Poll closed .
Nahhhhhhh. Homie don't play that.
I think it dampens the urgency to get married. Plus my family would kill me.
I also want to mark my entry into marrige with more than just the ceremony and I think moving in together after the ceremony is a wonderful way to symbolize that and really cement in both minds that "we is married now".

However, I also think that the okayness of it is fluid and outside of LHCF if I'm quite honest I'd say it's not uncommon for many ppl (of various races and classes) esp. in the 20/30 something range to view it as acceptable. It's wired into the mainstream standard of acceptable behavior. I also realize that it's okayness depends on what the couple wants for themselves. Some people aren't interested in getting married, it's not a priority for whatever reason, some cultures/societies for example don't frown on cohabitation and others may feel they've marked the date of the wedding and make the choice to "trust" that their partner will hold to it.
I would not advise me and mine to do it, nor would I do it, but my attitude towards it for others is more fluid. My greatest issue is that for ppl with children it has become particularly in the black community a too common REPLACEMENT for marriage. That's completely unacceptable.
 
JustKiya said:
I didn't want to wait to get married. In fact, one of my stipulations for marriage was that we live together for at least two years first - and I had several reasons for that. And quite honestly, I think that it was good for our relationship and our marriage to have lived together first.

I'm a firm believer in matrimony for life.

a) I'm an only child. I'm rather particular and set in my ways. I wanted to see what I was signing up for before I made it permanent.
b) I know how being freshly married can add a level of 'stress' to a relationship - sometimes the honeymoon isn't as easy as folks make it sound like. I wanted to get the stress of combining our living situation out of the way before I added the stress of combining our finances and our lives.
c) Honestly, for me, it was a trial without the marriage. If we couldn't make it through those two years, I didn't want to marry him, as that wouldn't seem to be a good indication of how we could make it through a marriage.

I had seen far too many of my friends get married and divorced all within 2-3 years. I truly believed that it takes about two years to actually see all the innards - the dirty parts - of people. And that's just the surface of those dirty parts. :lol: If I/he couldn't handle what we saw in those two years - the wedding would have been called off. Period.

Sooooo. Yeah. *lol* I'm actually a big fan of shacking post-engagement with a set wedding date.
Click to expand...

Question: Did you announce your engagement and the date to family and friends before you moved in?

Since living together was a trial, what would be your family and friend's reaction be if during that trial, you found that you didn't want to be together and called it off?

____

ETA: TMI
 
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I shacked for a little over a year..and when our lease came to an end, and I did not have a ring, we went our separate ways (as far as co-habilitating)..**Yay me..after we split from the apartment, I bought my first house** however we are still a couple but I truley do believe that men can and will get comfortable and many do not feel the need to take it to the next level (marriage) when they can get by with playing house.. I know some people do not want to get married, but for those who do, you just have to set expectations before doing all that living together stuff.. in my case I did not.. and I got out of that situation almost quickly as I got into it..
 
We've been living together for 11 years. We've discussed marriage but not seriously. If I actually cared about it, we would already be married, but it just seems like a silly piece of paper, and he doesn't care either way.

We don't have children, nor do we want any. Marriage or kids isn't a priority for either one of us.
 
Bene said:
We've been living together for 11 years. We've discussed marriage but not seriously. If I actually cared about it, we would already be married, but it just seems like a silly piece of paper, and he doesn't care either way.

We don't have children, nor do we want any. Marriage or kids isn't a priority for either one of us.
Click to expand...

Is there common law marriage in your state?
 
Pompous Blue said:
Are u sure? Most states have gotten rid of common-law marriage. What state are you in?
Click to expand...


You're right, I just looked it up. No common law marriage here in NY. Good thing I never really cared about it, otherwise I'd be pretty disappointed :)
 
As a single mother, I have a son to consider now. I'd NEVER shack before my next marriage. Before he was thought of yes, I did it with my ex-husband. But not now.
 
We did not live together before marriage and I never would have even considered it. Everything I've read says that studies show that couples who live together before marriage actually have higher rates of dissatisfaction with their marriage and higher divorce rates (unless they were already planning to get married). This is only pertinent, of course, if you are interested in marriage, which I was.
 
my friend always says her parents will kill her if she shacks w/ her bf before getting married. he proposed this year but they have been living together (basically) since the beginning of the year. since he always stays at her apartment & he does not have his own place (he "lives" with his parents, but uh, not really)

i just think that is so funny because whenever we point out they ARE living together, she gets so defensive.
 
My response is "Never" :nono:....
"Why buy the cow...?"
:think:If a couple chooses to love one another, and they are sincere about their comitment then why should there be an issue about getting married.
 
TayMac said:
I have shacked annnnd I'm a baby mama! However I learned my lesson and I won't do it again. I want the papers first and I won't settle for less! LHCF taught me well..
Click to expand...

I am shacked with a 3 month old baby and I wont' do it again either! but never say never.
 
I personally find nothing wrong with it. I plan on doing it if i ever get serious with someone. I think it's important to know if you can live with a person because if you can't, it'll make things very difficult. If i ever do get married, i'd have to live with him for atleast a year
 
Bachelorette said:
Lol Im African

My parents would sooner break my neck.

I dont believe in it. Recession isnt an excuse either
Click to expand...

I'm African too. My family would spontaneously combust if any one, especially a girl, shacked up with someone they're not married to :lachen::lachen::lachen:. It's considered sacrilege where I come from.
 
I will be hopefully in Feb! Only because I am moving to the country he is in. We have discussed marriage already and by the sixth month he better put a ring on it or I am coming back home.

I am one who does not believe in shacking up but I find this a very different situation for me. We have known each other for 2 1/2 yrs but were only friends and living 3 hrs away from each other, so he already knew he was moving to another country and what date he was moving so I decided to go visit him before he left and we basically "fell in love" spending that quality one on one time together was better than we both expected. The only way for us to see if we really want to take that next step is for me to move to where he is (he has the better career so its me relocating)

I think we should know within 6 months.. What advice do you ladies have to offer??
 
sugarwater said:
I personally find nothing wrong with it. I plan on doing it if i ever get serious with someone. I think it's important to know if you can live with a person because if you can't, it'll make things very difficult. If i ever do get married, i'd have to live with him for atleast a year
Click to expand...

I dont find anything wrong with it either, but this is something I'm conflicted about. On one hand, I would be curious to see how we'd work as a team...I think living together gives you a better idea of how a person manages their money and other responsibilities within the home. And it makes financial sense.However, I don't want a psuedo marriage...I think that can happen very easily. Honestly, I need space and if I have my own apartment I can go home when he starts to get on my nerves AND his pockets wont affect mine and vice versa. A friend of mine is in a relationship and she and her bf live 2gether...he quit his job...now she has 2 pay his bills n cover the household bills alone. I would die in that situation and I'd prefer not 2 go through that with a bf.
 
My DH and I shacked up after we got engaged and set a date for 18 months. I was living in Georgia when we got engaged and I moved to live with him in New Jersey afterwards. My mom was fine with it but his mother was not happy at all (even though she then shacked up with some one a few years later!). My grandmother also asked why I was shacking up (I'm shocked she knew the word). We've been married for 17 years and are still happy with each other.
 
I don't see the big deal. If it's something YOU don't want to do..................THEN DON'T DO IT! Too many people get all judgemental and preachy when these topics come up. People need to do what works for them. If this is it, then by all means ENJOY!
 
I have a question:clapping: . And my arse may get beat via the responses, but oh well.

I am not currently living with a man. I was also taught not to "shack". (Not saying that I will or will not). I understand the moral and religous reasons behind not shacking, but IF you are NOT upholding all other moral and religious codes, laws, and practices (i.e. having sex before marriage, drinking, listening to circular music, cursing, etc.) why turn your nose up at shacking or at those that do shack?

One sin will get you in hell just as definite as the other.

I know I'm gone get it. But oh well..........:lachen:
 
weaveologist said:
I have a question:clapping: . And my get my arse beat via the responses, but oh well.

I am not currently living with a man. I was also taught not to "shack". (Not saying that I will or will not). I understand the moral and religous reasons behind not shacking, but IF you are NOT upholding all other moral and religious codes, laws, and practices (i.e. having sex before marriage, drinking, listening to circular music, cursing, etc.) why turn your nose up at shacking or at those that do shack?

One sin will get you in hell just as definite as the other.

I know I'm gone get it. But oh well..........:lachen:
Click to expand...
I used to ask myself this same questions.
It bothered me that people were turning their noses up at me but went home told a few lies (lying), cussed a couple of people out (fits of rage) and over eat at dinner (gluttany).
BUT, after doing some bible study, the sins that are commited against YOUR own body are held at a greater scrunity from God, as your body, as a temple was made to glorify God, and fornication is nothing but.
I Corinthians 6:18: "Flee sexual immorality! Every sin a person commits is outside of the body but the immoral person sins against his own body."
HTH

Other than looking at the act of "shacking" from a biblical perspective, arguing its rights vs. wrongs is completely moot IMO.

I have no opinion or preference, just enjoying the dialogue.
 
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ZeeOl'Lady said:
I used to ask myself this same questions.
It bothered me that people were turning their noses up at me but went home told a few lies (lying), cussed a couple of people out (fits of rage) and over eat at dinner (gluttany).
BUT, after doing some bible study, the sins that are commited against YOUR own body are held at a greater scrunity from God, as your body, as a temple was made to glorify God, and fornication is nothing but.
I Corinthians 6:18: "Flee sexual immorality! Every sin a person commits is outside of the body but the immoral person sins against his own body."
HTH
Click to expand...

So that would include sex before marriage right? So anyone screwing there bf is just as wrong as if they were shacking with him, right?

School me girl because I have no problem admitting that I am not up on all my Bible lit.
 
weaveologist said:
So that would include sex before marriage right? So anyone screwing there bf is just as wrong as if they were shacking with him, right?

School me girl because I have no problem admitting that I am not up on all my Bible lit.
Click to expand...

Fornication IS screwing.
You are very correct.
This can be done in house as well as out of house.
I believe that the 'shacking' is just direct evidence of such.
I believe 'shacking' as being a direct correlation to fornication is more of a traditional-based ideology that g-ma an'nem grew up to believe.

I'm not up on the bible all like that, but this is something I have recently learned.
Ladies, who can add more inpt please do.
 
bimbabe said:
This is a spin-off of Doll-baby's thread.

How many of us LHCFers are married without the paper ...i.e. shacking up/ living with an SO.

Why aren't you married yet? We arent married b/c we never brought it up and i know he has no desire to be married again.

Is marriage coming soon? No

If you don't want to get married what are your reasons? I want to but after careful consideration and thinking i dont want to marry him

If your SO doesn't want to get married what reasons have they given for their position on marriage? He went through a lot in his first marriage. I think hes afraid of being hurt
Click to expand...

To be honest i've learned a lot in this situation that i'm (still) in. I know that i settled for less than what i deserve and the next man i'm with if he wants us to live together he needs to put a ring on it. I need to be a better example for my son and I need to do better... so right now i'm working on my finances so i can move.
 
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