Spin-off: Are you married without the paper???

[anon123]

My family would not be happy with me if I did that. I thought it would be a good idea so I can save rent money, though. I also thought it would be a good idea to see what it's like to live with the person. Lots of my friends were or are doing it. But I never had anyone to shack with. Let me back up a bit. My friends may live together, but none of them have kids before they are married. I don't know what they do about finances.

Now that everyone brings up the marriage bit, I can admit it might not be the best idea. True enough, it hasn't stopped my acquaintances and friends from getting married. But most of them aren't black; maybe it doesn't work for black people So now even though I might not live with someone, I'm not morally opposed to others doing it. Adding children changes it a little to me, though.

I will be hopefully in Feb! Only because I am moving to the country he is in. We have discussed marriage already and by the sixth month he better put a ring on it or I am coming back home.

I am one who does not believe in shacking up but I find this a very different situation for me. We have known each other for 2 1/2 yrs but were only friends and living 3 hrs away from each other, so he already knew he was moving to another country and what date he was moving so I decided to go visit him before he left and we basically "fell in love" spending that quality one on one time together was better than we both expected. The only way for us to see if we really want to take that next step is for me to move to where he is (he has the better career so its me relocating)

I think we should know within 6 months.. What advice do you ladies have to offer??

Is it that you are going to live with him for 6 months to decide if you want to be married? Or are you two already thinking that you will get married? It sounds like you've already made up your mind, like you want to marry him because of the "better put a ring on it". So is it really him who is unsure and not you? It's a really big decision to move to another country. Would you really move back after 6 months if you didn't get the ring you wanted? You are quitting your job, right? Will you work there, or will he support you? Will it be easy to come back and get another job if you don't get a proposal?

Anyway, I wish you the best. I know it must be hard to make a decision without having had the time to date because you two are far away, so I understand why you are doing it.

 

[v2.0]

Common Law marriage.
No real paper to prove it.

From what I've read in this thread it's not even common law marriage- it's marriage within one's religious institution/place of worship. For common law marriage the couple has to be living together for a period of time.

Either your marriage is religious or common law. Can't be both. Especially if your religion is supposed to reign supreme over all.

 

[MD_Lady]

I will be hopefully in Feb! Only because I am moving to the country he is in. We have discussed marriage already and by the sixth month he better put a ring on it or I am coming back home.

I am one who does not believe in shacking up but I find this a very different situation for me. We have known each other for 2 1/2 yrs but were only friends and living 3 hrs away from each other, so he already knew he was moving to another country and what date he was moving so I decided to go visit him before he left and we basically "fell in love" spending that quality one on one time together was better than we both expected. The only way for us to see if we really want to take that next step is for me to move to where he is (he has the better career so its me relocating)

I think we should know within 6 months.. What advice do you ladies have to offer??

Be honest with yourself, don't compromise your values, and don't allow anyone to change your mind about the bolded if that's what you really want. Other than that, since both of you have decided this is the "next step" for your relationship, enjoy your time together and see what develops.

 

[newbiemom]

What is the benefit of this? WHat is the purpose? Is this your decision or his how do you feel either way. I am relaly curious about this. I lived with my dh forr 3 months before the wedding because he was over his lease. I can't imagine living with some guy indefunetly. They don't want to wife me just have me hanging around. I am not judging but really curious?

 

[newbiemom]

How can you be married without the paper?

The entire sentence is a contradiction.

That is what people say to make it sound nicer. If there are no papers you arefit into one of these catagories a girlfriend, ladyfriend, jumpoff,babymama.
.

 

[Theresamonet]

I have a question . And my arse may get beat via the responses, but oh well.

I am not currently living with a man. I was also taught not to "shack". (Not saying that I will or will not). I understand the moral and religous reasons behind not shacking, but IF you are NOT upholding all other moral and religious codes, laws, and practices (i.e. having sex before marriage, drinking, listening to circular music, cursing, etc.) why turn your nose up at shacking or at those that do shack?

One sin will get you in hell just as definite as the other.

I know I'm gone get it. But oh well..........

Is was coming in to say the same thing...

I don't understand how people get so self righteous about "shacking up" but are having premariatial sex. You refuse to share a bathroom with a man who is not your husband but you"ll share your body. There is a hole in this logic.

It always irritates me how some people pick and chose what they want to be religious about.

 

[PJaye]

Is was coming in to say the same thing...

I don't understand how people get so self righteous about "shacking up" but are having premariatial sex. You refuse to share a bathroom with a man who is not your husband but you"ll share your body. There is a hole in this logic.

It always irritates me how some people pick and chose what they want to be religious about.

Your reasonings are absolutely flawless!

 

[newbiemom]

Is was coming in to say the same thing...

I don't understand how people get so self righteous about "shacking up" but are having premariatial sex. You refuse to share a bathroom with a man who is not your husband but you"ll share your body. There is a hole in this logic.

It always irritates me how some people pick and chose what they want to be religious about.

I completely agree with you if you are claiming holier than thou then you life should reflect that. Shacking up isn't for me and I do think it is not the best situation for practical reasons. The society we live in gives nothing to the gf. Ex Khloe K, she married that man in a nmonth and another chick devoted a decade and 3 children and if he drops dead now she either has it all or a leg to stand on. Your bf is ill you could be cleaning vomit and changing bedpans if your not his wife the Dr. will ask you to step out of the room and his family member will make decisions for your so. I married for religious and practical reasons, I rarely see the benefit of shacking up for an extended period.

 

[Theresamonet]

I completely agree with you if you are claiming holier than thou then you life should reflect that. Shacking up isn't for me and I do think it is not the best situation for practical reasons. The society we live in gives nothing to the gf. Ex Khloe K, she married that man in a nmonth and another chick devoted a decade and 3 children and if he drops dead now she either has it all or a leg to stand on. Your bf is ill you could be cleaning vomit and changing bedpans if your not his wife the Dr. will ask you to step out of the room and his family member will make decisions for your so. I married for religious and practical reasons, I rarely see the benefit of shacking up for an extended period.

I totally agree that legally a gf and a wife aren't even in the same ballpark...and we know what the bible says about this issue...

But, according to the poll results over 70% of lhcf women will never/have never "shacked up". And the main reasons given had religious implications...Now let's take a poll of all the unmarried women on lhcf that are virgins, or clibate, etc. I believe the results (if honest) would conflict horribly with this one. It's like this thread is in the twilight zone of the relationship forum. I be reading threads and uh...


ETA: I'm not saying anybody up in here is lying...I just don't think this poll paints an accurate picture of what's realy going on.

My guess is that a lot of "Shack Upers" are choosing to steer clear of this thread as opposed to people being bold face liers...I hope not...using the bible.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Is was coming in to say the same thing...

I don't understand how people get so self righteous about "shacking up" but are having premariatial sex. You refuse to share a bathroom with a man who is not your husband but you"ll share your body. There is a hole in this logic.

It always irritates me how some people pick and chose what they want to be religious about.

I think that most women in here are speaking of the "why buy the cow" factor and the correlation between less inhibition to marry and living with your man.

 

[princessnad]

Originally Posted by JustKiya
I didn't want to wait to get married. In fact, one of my stipulations for marriage was that we live together for at least two years first - and I had several reasons for that. And quite honestly, I think that it was good for our relationship and our marriage to have lived together first.

I'm a firm believer in matrimony for life.

a) I'm an only child. I'm rather particular and set in my ways. I wanted to see what I was signing up for before I made it permanent.
b) I know how being freshly married can add a level of 'stress' to a relationship - sometimes the honeymoon isn't as easy as folks make it sound like. I wanted to get the stress of combining our living situation out of the way before I added the stress of combining our finances and our lives.
c) Honestly, for me, it was a trial without the marriage. If we couldn't make it through those two years, I didn't want to marry him, as that wouldn't seem to be a good indication of how we could make it through a marriage.

I had seen far too many of my friends get married and divorced all within 2-3 years. I truly believed that it takes about two years to actually see all the innards - the dirty parts - of people. And that's just the surface of those dirty parts. If I/he couldn't handle what we saw in those two years - the wedding would have been called off. Period.

Sooooo. Yeah. *lol* I'm actually a big fan of shacking post-engagement with a set wedding date.

Question: Did you announce your engagement and the date to family and friends before you moved in?

Since living together was a trial, what would be your family and friend's reaction be if during that trial, you found that you didn't want to be together and called it off?

I'm still curious. Are those questions too invasive?

 

[Blessed_Angel]

I voted "never" although I hate to say never.

I'm married with papers; and proud of it! I wouldn't have it any other way. I know a couple who did that and didn't feel right about it, and then after about 5 years, they became legit.

 

[sky_blu]

I've thought about shacking up before marriage to help with finances but this is one of the things I've learned my lesson from without doing. I've been living on my own too long to share my space so anyone thinking of living with me has their work cut out for them.

 

[PanamasOwn]

You wouldn't sign up for new car on a five year contract without test driving it first. I dont see why someone would want to do this with the rest of their life... Marriage is not about "putting a ring on it" but commitment in all areas...

I want to know if I can tolerate him before opposed to "dealing" with him after because I RUSHED into marriage.. too many people spend too much time "dealing" in the relationship after marriage opposed to spending time loving and enjoying it. Who cares what other people think.. parents included... they dont have to go to bed with that person everynight, you do...

I have seen SOOOO many marriages fail because a woman pushed marriage because "it was what she wanted" and 25 years later, a mortgage and 3 kids later, they are getting divorced..

You NEVER truly know what someone is like until you live with him.. (speaking from experience) no amount of communication can't subsitute that face to face time...

This subject to me is nuts because women are all worried about "not shacking up" but yet so many are doing err thang else but this is like the end all be all...

I clearly support it... I don't have time to play with the REST of my life like that.. I'd rather spend 2-3 years of some time wasted than 45 years with the wrong person

 

[bimbabe]

BUMP!

A friend of mine is arguing with me and using this same argument. What is to stop comfortableness from kicking in and the nuptials never occurring?

You wouldn't sign up for new car on a five year contract without test driving it first. I dont see why someone would want to do this with the rest of their life... Marriage is not about "putting a ring on it" but commitment in all areas...

I want to know if I can tolerate him before opposed to "dealing" with him after because I RUSHED into marriage.. too many people spend too much time "dealing" in the relationship after marriage opposed to spending time loving and enjoying it. Who cares what other people think.. parents included... they dont have to go to bed with that person everynight, you do...

I have seen SOOOO many marriages fail because a woman pushed marriage because "it was what she wanted" and 25 years later, a mortgage and 3 kids later, they are getting divorced..

You NEVER truly know what someone is like until you live with him.. (speaking from experience) no amount of communication can't subsitute that face to face time...

This subject to me is nuts because women are all worried about "not shacking up" but yet so many are doing err thang else but this is like the end all be all...

I clearly support it... I don't have time to play with the REST of my life like that.. I'd rather spend 2-3 years of some time wasted than 45 years with the wrong person

 

[dlewis]

I lived with my husband for a year before we were married. Now I do not believe in shacking.

 

[bimbabe]

I lived with my husband for a year before we were married. Now I do not believe in shacking.

DLewis...how come? Did you have to apply pressure to get him to marry you?

 

[Bunny77]

BUMP!

A friend of mine is arguing with me and using this same argument. What is to stop comfortableness from kicking in and the nuptials never occurring?

See, I could find so many problems with that argument... let me start.

No. 1: I believe that for people over the age of 25, you don't need THAT long to figure out if you want to get married or not. And even for younger folks, unless part of your relationship was when you were in high school or college, when you start getting past 4-5-6 years, you need to do something. Either start planning for your future as a married couple or break up. So the idea that people need to live together 2-3 years to just figure out if they want to be married... well, in that 2-3 years, I could have met AND gotten married to someone who knew what he wanted, and that was me. And vice-versa. Forget making sure that you won't get divorced (funny how so many people are concerned about divorce when they aren't anywhere close to getting married). How about not wasting 2-3 years of your life, period?

No. 2: Relationships are not vehicles. The analogy of test-driving a car has absolutely nothing to do with how two living and breathing human beings interact with each other. If you pay attention to your man/woman during the dating process... like really PAY attention, you should get much of the information you need to know in a pretty short time period.

No. 3: My objections to shacking have nothing to do with morals. As far as I'm concerned, if the sin is having sex, then it's bad whether you're living together or not. (Again, just speaking from a moral perspective). On a practical level, shacking just adds another element to a relationship that allows folks to always have one foot out the door "just in case," instead of making smart moves from the beginning to make sure they're with the right partner. While there are some cases in which people do rush into relationships and marriage, really, I think most women stick around with the wrong dude WAY too long. These types of discussions about "making sure" through shacking, etc., wouldn't even be taking place if more women had a concrete plan about what they're doing and what they want when they're dating particular men.

Most of my friends who've shacked are 100% like, "Don't do it." They all broke up with their partners after shacking. Now, one might say that they needed to live together to realize the person was wrong for them, but when I really talk to them, they knew all along that the man was wrong for them, but they just kind of fell into living together because it was convenient. Yeah, and it was a pain in the behind to then get out of it... so much for that convenience!

Now, to be fair, I know of three shacking couples that married. In two cases though, the man was ready much earlier than the woman to marry, and he waited on her to be ready. The man was about 10 years older in those cases. The other couple lived together for two years and married in the third. The key was, all of the men in those situations (they were my friends) knew they wanted to marry those particular women. They weren't doing it as a "trial run."

So... to each his or her own, but I think that those who shack as a "test" usually don't end up married. Not all, but many.

 

[dlewis]

DLewis...how come? Did you have to apply pressure to get him to marry you?

I didn't have that issue. He was the one who always wanted to get married. Now, I find I have concerns about telling and explaining things to my kids. Kids we def make you regret alot of things.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

We shacked for a few months before we married. He made it clear before we moved in that he was going to make me his wife. I made it clear that I wouldn't wait forever. With that said, once we got a feel for living with eachother and tolerating eachother we jumped the broom. It only took us three months, it may take longer for others. Shacking isn't for everyone, especially if you haven't even made real plans to get married. Some folks just don't want to get married *shrug*

 

[Rae81]

I have never shacked up and don't plan to. My ex wanted to live together he thought that was the not step and I turned him down several times. I don't feel I need to test it out before we get married to see if we will de ok living together. My thinking is if he is the person in supposed to be with , then I don't need to be worried about weather he is clean or all the other things because we will mesh .

Sent from my HERO200 using Long Hair Care Forum App

 

[AstroQueen77]

well, shacking or not, one thing I do believe in is attending pre marital counseling.

And, I wonder what happened to the relationship of the inspiring thread......

 

[iri9109]

i voted NEVAH...EVAH...i will never live with a man that isnt my husband...that is why such a high % of bw arent married today because ppl view marriage as just a peice of paper and so the guy is getting the milk for free, and these ladies are condoning it, being with and living with men for YEARS and still no ring...i feel that a.) if you really think its just a paper, then gon head and get married and get that piece of paper since you already living like it, and shrugging it off like its no big deal and b.) i bet its more than just a piece of paper during unforseen occurences and you dont have any benefits or say in what goes on

 

[Godyssey]

I lived with my husband for 6 years before getting married. Marriage was not on either of our minds, but the older I got the more I began to feel pressure from women in general. "Are you married, why aren't you married? When will you get married?" Honestly, I believe I only started to think about it because of the pressure that society puts on women in this regard. I started to feed into the things that were being said to me as reasons why I should get married. When otherwise, my relationship was fine. I don't regret "shacking up" and I personally don't feel that marriage has changed our relationship any.

Although, now it's "when will you have kids?". I'm NOT relenting on that though. Don't want any, won't have any. I guess I'm just venting a little because I don't like all of the pressure that is put on others in regard to how they live their lives. Especially women. I doubt very seriously that men are pressured in such a manner. I don't think that men really care about what other men are doing.

 

[Godyssey]

See, I could find so many problems with that argument... let me start.

No. 1: I believe that for people over the age of 25, you don't need THAT long to figure out if you want to get married or not. And even for younger folks, unless part of your relationship was when you were in high school or college, when you start getting past 4-5-6 years, you need to do something. Either start planning for your future as a married couple or break up.

I don't understand this. If a relationship is working well, (even after 4-5-6 years as you stated ) and lot's of marriages don't. Then, why do you need to break up with this person?

Although, I guess my situation is a bit unusual, because I didn't want children. Now, if it were in me to have kids, I'd would've moved on if my SO couldn't make that commitment. I wouldn't want to have children out of wedlock. But we had those discussions of what we wanted (or didn't want) way up front. Which I guess was the main reason marriage didn't matter so much initially.

 

[Kimgirl50]

im sure USA has a high divorce rate for a reason,

I test cars before I buy them. I'm only getting married once

 

[Kimgirl50]

Also this whole milk for free nonsense ..WHAT KIND OF MEN YA'LL WITH THAT HE'S VIEWING YOU AS A COW. ridiculous. if he loves you he'll marry you theres no reason to hold out for collateral