Spin-off: Are you married without the paper???

[msa]

If legal you are referring to within the "church" then yes...as far as going to the court house and getting a piece of paper saying I am married to my husband i have yet to read in the Quran about that being mandatory.

You know whats also interesting? Is that believing that if you go before God that you also need to goto the court in order for God to accept the
marriage...so does that mean that God needs the OK from Judge Judy inorder to bless a marriage?

Oh ok, I didn't know that. I haven't finished the Quran so I'm not sure what it says about marriage.

As far as Christianity, it's like Irresistible said, Christians are supposed to obey the law of the land ("Ceasar"). In the US for a marriage to be legally recognized there has to be a marriage license, so that's why Christians have to have the license. God is the one that blesses the marriage, but as with everything else, there has to be order.

I wonder if not having it would make it difficult in certain situations...say for example your husband gets sick and the hospital needs you to make a decision about his care. Since you don't have a state recognized marriage license, would they recognize you as his wife? Or would the authority go to his next of kin (ex: mother)? I guess if you said you were married they wouldn't actually ask for proof. I wonder how that works for taxes though?

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I wouldn't do it, but it works for other people.

If you live in a common law state or country I can see why people opt to just live together instead of getting papers. I don't live in such a place, and even if I did, I consider marriage to be EXTREMELY important for me. It's not even about the love or anything because a piece of paper doesn't prove that--it's all about having our union recognized legally. I need the government to recognize me as his wife for many reasons.

If both people are honest about what they want I don't see the problem. What works for me might not work for others.

 

[MahoganyJazz]

When we first started dating, we were living separately. My apartment flooded, and he so graciously helped me get my ish together. I stayed with him a few months while my place was being remodeled. After I moved back home we got engaged, then I wound up rehauling my crap back to his place. We got married shortly there after.

So it wasn't "shacking, shacking" ...but it was semi shacking, LoL!

 

[Ms Red]

Nope. Not doing it. From personal experience.

I'm actually in the process of searching for a home and he has his own place. If we get married, we'll work out the living arrangements. I don't want a long engagement... so I'd rather wait until I'm married to live together or 6 months or less from the wedding date. Just being real.

ETA: He feels the same way.

 

[Naveah2050]

I would do it - primarily for financial reasons and to see if we can live together - I wouldnt marry someone i havent lived with before thats for sure though. At 25 tbh am just not that bothered about marriage and my boyfriend is way more into the idea than I am.

If you are with a good man that you trust and have shared your intetions to get married I really dont see what the problem is. I dont want to have to drag/trick someone into marrying me and luckily am not with the kind of person that i would have to do this with so living together wouldnt be a problem.

I am NOT american though so this may be why i dont see the big deal.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Oh ok, I didn't know that. I haven't finished the Quran so I'm not sure what it says about marriage.

As far as Christianity, it's like Irresistible said, Christians are supposed to obey the law of the land ("Ceasar"). In the US for a marriage to be legally recognized there has to be a marriage license, so that's why Christians have to have the license. God is the one that blesses the marriage, but as with everything else, there has to be order.

I wonder if not having it would make it difficult in certain situations...say for example your husband gets sick and the hospital needs you to make a decision about his care. Since you don't have a state recognized marriage license, would they recognize you as his wife? Or would the authority go to his next of kin (ex: mother)? I guess if you said you were married they wouldn't actually ask for proof. I wonder how that works for taxes though?

When I was preggo with our first child, I had to send it registration papers to the hospital 4 MONTS before my due date. I did that, and I was told that was all I'd need to do. When we arrived at the hospital, in the midst of my labor, the nurse wanted me to sign some papers. When I told her I'd already submitted my paperwork in advance, she said *IF* I was married my husband could sign these papers for me (with a smug look on her face) I said Great, and told DH to sign them. She balked. You have to be MARRIED she said.

I told her I WAS MARRIED... she acted like she didn't want to believe me. And here I am with an odd last name, and his last name matches mine... and this nurse still cannot grasp the idea that I was married. Finally I pretty much yelled at her (hey, I was in labor, and this yt B*^@! is giving me drama!) like "What is the problem? What about me has you so convinced that I can't be married???" She stuck her nose in the air and sighed like "OOOOKKKKKKK" she seemed SO SURE that she was gonna check and find out I was shacked up and a babymamma.

So please, think about not only your own future as a live-in gf and probably babymamma, but also all of the other sisters who are going to be painted with the same brush. Why did this white nurse just KNOW I was a live in and a babymamma? Probably because she had seen thousands of black live-in "wifeys" and babymammas. And relatively few black WIVES.

 

[Natasha009]

I'm shacked up and proud...but it's an odd situation. My fiancee is a german citizen and i'm american so we can only see each other for 3 months at a time before either I have to go back to the US or him back to germany (we met in the US). Since January we've seen each other for about 5 months out of these 8 months, with spaces in between (he leaves for Germany next Sunday).

When we were first dating he would rent an apartment for the months he was here but I thought that was a waste of money! He wants to get married sometime next summer in Indonesia. Honestly the main reason we are not married now is that I'm not ready to commit to a life in Germany and thats a requirement on his part (the company is based there). He comes to visit me mostly (I have a job here I like and he works for his parents company where he has flexiblity and can travel alot for long periods of time).

So to us, it just makes sense for us to shack up when we see each other. Financially it also doesn't hurt since he pay's my rent for the month when he's here, even if he only stays for a week We have alot of things to work out before we get the papers b/c of the citizenship issues.

 

[Natasha009]

Also, on a different note, i'm absolutely 100% opposed to having kids out of wedlock. To me children are the ulitmate commitment with someone and so before I attach myself to them for life I need them to commit themselves to me before God and the law. Living together is a big commitment, but it's also not a life changing decision. I do think that if after a year or so of living together there have been no serious talks/plans for marriage, then the situation needs to be re-evaluated b/c then your setting yourself for playing "wifey for lifey" but not the actual "wife for life".

 

[Highly Favored8]

This took off.

 

[jamaicalovely]

I've shacked twice.

First, in 2nd semester Sophomore year in college through first semester Senior year. I really loved this guy, but we mainly did it to save money for school. His family supported it while my family had no clue. erplexed We talked about getting married after college. However, I rolled out the minute I found out he cheated on me.

Second time was with DH. He moved to ATL and in with me because I wanted him to be closer to me. We never spoke of marriage really. We were just getting settled and getting our careers started. I didn't care if we got married or not. After 2 years, we decided to have a destination wedding with close family and friends. We've been married for 7 years now.

My friends did similar living situations and successfully married with kids.

I wouldn't recommend it in these days, the men are much different - too comfortable. But, again, it depends on the couple.

 

[jennboo]

I'm not particularly religious or devout, so i won't come in here with the perspective of shacking being sinful, ungodly, etc...

I will say, though, that it just does not to make sense to me to give 'wife benefits' to a man to whom i'm not married. (anytime sex, shared expenses, KIDS in many instances, cooking cleaning maintaining the house, limiting time with friends to tend to the 'union', including him in/ heavily taking into consideration his views on life altering personal decisions (financial and otherwise).

I mean what incentive does a man have to put a ring on it if he is already getting the benefits? It makes sense to me that the longer a couple shacks the less urgency to get legally married.

Folks can have unprotected sex, have kids, compromise their health, live with someone, wash their dirty drawers, and mix funds but they can't get married? I don't get it.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I'm shacked up and proud...but it's an odd situation. My fiancee is a german citizen and i'm american so we can only see each other for 3 months at a time before either I have to go back to the US or him back to germany (we met in the US). Since January we've seen each other for about 5 months out of these 8 months, with spaces in between (he leaves for Germany next Sunday).

When we were first dating he would rent an apartment for the months he was here but I thought that was a waste of money! He wants to get married sometime next summer in Indonesia. Honestly the main reason we are not married now is that I'm not ready to commit to a life in Germany and thats a requirement on his part (the company is based there). He comes to visit me mostly (I have a job here I like and he works for his parents company where he has flexiblity and can travel alot for long periods of time).

So to us, it just makes sense for us to shack up when we see each other. Financially it also doesn't hurt since he pay's my rent for the month when he's here, even if he only stays for a week We have alot of things to work out before we get the papers b/c of the citizenship issues.

This is an example of it working out and being beneficial for a couple.

 

[Kirei]

If legal you are referring to within the "church" then yes...as far as going to the court house and getting a piece of paper saying I am married to my husband i have yet to read in the Quran about that being mandatory.

You know whats also interesting? Is that believing that if you go before God that you also need to goto the court in order for God to accept the
marriage...so does that mean that God needs the OK from Judge Judy inorder to bless a marriage?

I did the same as you, no court house but, when we went to file our taxes since we were living as married we could file as a married couple and according to the gov. we are married b/c of that.

I don't care about going to a courthouse...I couldn't have cared less if the government recognized me as married, as long as Yahweh did I didn't/don't care.

Do ya'll file taxes together?

 

[antisocial]

This might not make sense but I'm going to post it anyway

I'm not completely opposed to shacking up, but I am opposed to comingling funds. For example, if my SO asks me to move in with him, there will be no expectation of me going half on the rent, utilities etc. You're asking me to move in because you want me there, not because you need my financial contribution. If you need somebody to go half, then you need to get a roomate. I will contribute what I want to, not what you need me to, and my name is not going on the lease. This way if ish hits the fan, I can pack my things and leave and have money in the bank to do so.

 

[Zaynab]

If legal you are referring to within the "church" then yes...as far as going to the court house and getting a piece of paper saying I am married to my husband i have yet to read in the Quran about that being mandatory.

You know whats also interesting? Is that believing that if you go before God that you also need to goto the court in order for God to accept the
marriage...so does that mean that God needs the OK from Judge Judy inorder to bless a marriage?

It is not that strange, most religions call for you to follow the law of the land so long as it does not break any of the rules of the religion.

 

[Almaz]

WHYYYYYY???

 

[msa]

I did the same as you, no court house but, when we went to file our taxes since we were living as married we could file as a married couple and according to the gov. we are married b/c of that.

I don't care about going to a courthouse...I couldn't have cared less if the government recognized me as married, as long as Yahweh did I didn't/don't care.

Do ya'll file taxes together?

As far as the bold, is that how it works for everything? Do you get all the same benefits as a married couple?

I wonder if gay people can just file as a married couple? Or just regular folks that live together?

What's the point of getting married if everyone gets all the benefits without doing it?

 

[envybeauty]

Interesting the mockery of Christianity in this thread.

....and no....not everyone in America is a Christian and neither is everyone outside of it non-Christians.

 

[envybeauty]

As far as the bold, is that how it works for everything? Do you get all the same benefits as a married couple?

I wonder if gay people can just file as a married couple? Or just regular folks that live together?

What's the point of getting married if everyone gets all the benefits without doing it?

She is married. She married under her religious order and since it (her marriage) does not go against law or public policy in this country, she is considered a married woman.

 

[antisocial]

Interesting the mockery of Christianity in this thread.

....and no....not everyone in America is a Christian and neither is everyone outside of it non-Christians.

Mockery? seriously? It must have gone over my head...

 

[Bachelorette]

She is married. She married under her religious order and since it (her marriage) does not go against law or public policy in this country, she is considered a married woman.

I dont get it. I thought you either do church or mosque or whichever religion wedding but still have to get a legal document from the govt?

yes? no? Maybe so?

 

[Ramya]

I dont get it. I thought you either do church or mosque or whichever religion wedding but still have to get a legal document from the govt?

yes? no? Maybe so?

Christians need to get that paper to be married. Yes you got married in the church in front of Jesus but we also must adhere to the laws. The law says you need that paper to be married therefore it is out of order to claim that it is unnecessary. I don't acknowledge paperless marriages and neither does the government with the exception of very FEW states and even then you have to prove your familial status. Why go through that?

 

[JustKiya]

I dont get it. I thought you either do church or mosque or whichever religion wedding but still have to get a legal document from the govt?

yes? no? Maybe so?

Interesting, but as far as I remember, Muslims don't have to have a legal marriage in order to be viewed as married in Islam. My mother was never legally married, as far as I can remember, because she never had to get legally divorced, either.

Obviously, the US Gov't most likely wouldn't recognize her as married, and I have no clue how they handled taxes....

 

[PeaceFlow]

Living together is not tied to getting married to me. It depends on how you view the whole situation.

I want to be married before I have kids and so does my partner. This is my view on how I want things to be, my choice.
Other people have advised me to get pregnant on welfare so I can get a government house lol My friend advised me that nearly everyone in her fam has done that to get their houses. At the end of the day that is how they want things to be, their choice (doesn't matter if I don't want that for myself).

I don't mind shacking for monetry purposes but the reasons I would prefer not to sometimes are nothing to do with God, doubting he will marry the cow, being taken advantage of or stigma lol. TBH there isn't a stigma over here, I know plenty of LTR successful couples with no kids that shack it up.

 

[Kirei]

As far as the bold, is that how it works for everything? Do you get all the same benefits as a married couple?

I wonder if gay people can just file as a married couple? Or just regular folks that live together?

What's the point of getting married if everyone gets all the benefits without doing it?

We are considered married. Our taxes are filed as married filing joint. On all of our documents it says "wife" and all that...

Gays can't file taxes as married so the gov wouldn't even recognize that. I dont think...

I did marry, we had a wedding and everything just didn't go a courthouse and sign papers. I didn't move in with him until after our wedding.

 

[Kirei]

I dont get it. I thought you either do church or mosque or whichever religion wedding but still have to get a legal document from the govt?

yes? no? Maybe so?

No you don't. All you have to do is file your taxes together. You have to file as married either joint or seperate but, married nonetheless at least in SC it is.

After you do that, you are now wifey and he is hubby in the eyes of the governement.

ETA: this is in SC

 

[Mortons]

I thought you had to live together a certain amount of time before all of that tax filing jointly could legally occur...I need to look up the laws as this relates obviously.

Anywho, no I have not shacked and I will be married in a church and get legal filings before me and Mookie allow someone to invade our space

 

[Vanity1]

I thought you had to live together a certain amount of time before all of that tax filing jointly could legally occur...I need to look up the laws as this relates obviously.

Anywho, no I have not shacked and I will be married in a church and get legal filings before me and Mookie allow someone to invade our space

It all depends on the state, please look up the laws if you want to be considered legally married, ladies, lol.
I hate for anyone to say they saw something on here and fall for the okie doke and it don't even apply for their state.

 

[antisocial]

Other people have advised me to get pregnant on welfare so I can get a government house lol My friend advised me that nearly everyone in her fam has done that to get their houses.

WTF?? I really despise people like your friend

 

[Kirei]

I thought you had to live together a certain amount of time before all of that tax filing jointly could legally occur...I need to look up the laws as this relates obviously.

Anywho, no I have not shacked and I will be married in a church and get legal filings before me and Mookie allow someone to invade our space

I think that is for common law marriag but, I don't know. We were "married" in April and filed our taxes that next February.

It all depends on the state, please look up the laws if you want to be considered legally married, ladies, lol.
I hate for anyone to say they saw something on here and fall for the okie doke and it don't even apply for their state.

How would they fall for the okie doke if the governement says they're married?

I guess I am confused...isn't the point for the governement to recognize you anyway? Thought it was...

Not everyone wants to get married "under god" or by a judge...for religious and cultural reasons. I can respect if someone had a ceremony to commit to each other forever, to me it's all about the vows and the belief system.