Spin-off: Are you married without the paper???

[Britt]

Idk how I feel about shacking really anymore.
I use to be hell bent on shacking before marriage, but now Idk so much. I def see both sides to the argument.
What if you somewhat live with each other? Ex: he has clothes at your house? Has keys... vice versa... wouldn't that give you some insight into how the person lives? Idk, I just don't want to live w/ someone and he get comfy and not push a wedding date. I think so far, I'd be ok with continuing to have my own place, he can have keys, come here at night, etc... but go home to his own place when he's ready.

I lived w/an ex for a few months, and honestly, living w/him didn't show me anything about him that I didn't learn about him w/in 2 years... actually, it only amplified his assholish ways. It's not like we lived together and I learned a totally new side of him.

 

[skegeesmb]

I voted other, because while I am married now, the guy I was dating before my DH we were "shacking" up.

ETA: Me and my husband lived together for my last year of grad school before he popped the question. He was basically living with me 2 months after we started dating (he had stuff at my apartment, stayed there 4-7 days out of the week, or I stayed at his apartment the days he didn't stay at my place). I told him though I was NOT playing house and that if he wasn't seriously considering marrying me DON'T ask to move in. He knew I was serious because of my ex. In fact, when I got my first job I moved into my own apartment out of state, the 3 weeks we were apart he came to visit me and proposed the same night, had the ring and everything.

He knew he wanted to marry me a year into our relationship (even though I didn't know).

 

[Junebug D]

To play devil's advocate... and because no one is seriously going to come in here and say "Shackin' & proud!" ...

What if you moved in together for financial reasons? Let's say one was on the way to putting up a "roommate wanted" ad in the newspaper anyway. Why not just move in with the BF instead of moving in with a complete stranger or moving in with a longtime friend or family member where any drama will be more hurtful & long-lasting?

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I totally agree. Too many women fall for that trick. My dad did that a few times, bought an engagement ring and had a woman living with him for YEARS on end. He is married now but he did have his share of live in fiancés (the longest one was for 8 years).

DH was not allowed to even have a drawer at my place while we were dating. When he would leave things around my apartment, I would pack them up in a garbage bag and hand it to him every few weeks and remind him that he should not leave his things at my place.

Even after we were engaged, date set, I still did not allow him to move-in. He moved in after we got back from the honeymoon.

I shacked, and fully planned on doing so - after I got a ring AND a wedding date. And he tried to get salty after we were engaged because I pushed - and pushed hard for a date. I straight up told him - if you can't commit to a date, you ain't commited to getting married. Period. I was trying to play with that 'yeah, we engaged, but we don't know when we are getting married' ****. Hell nawh.

 

[KEWLKAT103]

We shacked twice before getting married.

The first time, we were not planning on getting married and both of us was fine with that. We lived together for about 6 months before breaking up.

Second time around, we got engaged and were to be married within the next 10 months and he moved in. That was a different point in both our lives and I wasn't willing to be or live together without knowing we had a future together.

I'm all for shackin if that's what both parties want.

 

[kayte]

I did...for about two-three years.
ETA..FIVE YEARS living together
We'd broken up in that time..briefly
got back together..and moved in with no talk of getting married...no wedding date...ring..nothing
I didnt even know it was on his mind until once we were grocery shopping and he got impatient and jokingly tugged on my arm...come on let's go
and said that's what I'm going to have to do with you...on the wedding aisle
drag you to the altar

I was delighted to hear this
we got engaged during the time we lived together
married
two weddings!!!!!

divorced

 

[14got]

we have been married 7 years

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Can you ladies that are married but lived with your DH prior to the wedding tell us why you would have rather waited to get married before moving in?

 

[FlowerHair]

I was shacking up until around May this year. He still has some stuff in one of my closets because he moved to another country.

I had to break up because he doesn't want children. Other than that we are the best of friends and our break up was very calm and amiable.

I know I might not ever have a child because of my age, but at least I have to be with someone who wants what I want...someone who is aligned with my goals and vice versa

Shacking up is not a big deal for me since it's so very common here and not stigmatized as in the USA... I have thought sometimes that maybe for his sake we should have been married, because he is American so his values are more in line with your values I suppose... Even if he lived in Europe for 20+ years.

So I feel that if I lived in the US I would probably insist on marriage because of the stigma that shacking up carries When in Rome...

 

[DarkAngell]

Well....I checked other. We're engaged right now, not living together, no kids. Destination wedding date is set for 12/3/11. We're waiting that long so we can save money but we really want to get married now so we might just have a civil ceremony right before getting a place and then have a religious ceremony on the island in 2011. We're working on getting an apartment together by next spring.

For those who got married before moving in together, how long after the wedding did you move in together?

 

[metro_qt]

Come on...I know Doll-Baby isn't the only one of us living with a man and not married to him!

To answer my own question...no I do not currently live with a man...BUT if I were to move in with a man our wedding date would have to be set to some date within the next year.

I like this.
Moving in with a man I loved would make perfect financial sense for me these days.

But. If i ever did that, I would have to have an engagement ring on my finger first... and a date set, with us putting money down on a hall... together...


as i read what i just wrote... i might as well just wait the extra 6 months, and move in with said man after we marry... with all those terms and stipulations...

 

[ThickHair]

I don't understand why everyone is so casual about living with someone, swapping fluids, having kids but it is a big issue about getting married. WTH?!?!?!? I guess I will never understand it.

 

[lacreolegurl]

My DH and I lived together for about 10 months before we were married. (We'd been dating for a year and a half prior.) Before moving in together, I explained I wasn't a shacking up kind of girl, so if that's what he wanted, just KIM. No games. He proposed less than two months later and we had a destination wedding shortly thereafter. And here we are 7 years later with 2 little ones. For me, the level of commitment was so intensified once we were married. We were bound not only legally, but in the eyes of God.
Mushy, I know....

 

[Dominican09]

I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years, engaged for almost 2 years and NO date, not because of him, is me! I am happy, young and busy. When I'm ready to plan a wedding for "symbolic" or "status" reasons then I'll do it. He understands that I am not in a rush to get married...is just not that important in my life right now...we love each other, we are happy together and we have peace of mind...that's more than marriage to me.

Like I said in the other post, with my ex-husband, we got married and then lived together....oohhh boy!! I found out other side of him that I was not attracted to...and a turn off...so I am not making that mistake again.

*drops mic*

 

[skegeesmb]

Can you ladies that are married but lived with your DH prior to the wedding tell us why you would have rather waited to get married before moving in?

You know I wonder about this myself. I guess because it's supposed to be the way you do it. No sex, no living together before marriage. But after writiting about it, it does seem silly because many people have sex before marriage so the shacking up shouldn't be too bad. But I did read that the longer couples live together without being married the more likely they are to divorce. I think what I had read said something along the lines of you are in a single mindset the longer you live together so when you get married when it doesn't work out you're more likely to walk away. I don't know how true that is though.

 

[brg240]

not in a relationship but I have no intentions to live with someone I'm not married to. :/ I'll move in after I come back from the honeymoon.

also, there isn't common law marriage here in VA. So it's mighty beneficial to actually go get married.

I don't understand people that live together/have children together but then they say they're unsure if they're willing to make a commitment. :/

 

[JustKiya]

Can you ladies that are married but lived with your DH prior to the wedding tell us why you would have rather waited to get married before moving in?

I didn't want to wait to get married. In fact, one of my stipulations for marriage was that we live together for at least two years first - and I had several reasons for that. And quite honestly, I think that it was good for our relationship and our marriage to have lived together first.

I'm a firm believer in matrimony for life.

a) I'm an only child. I'm rather particular and set in my ways. I wanted to see what I was signing up for before I made it permanent.
b) I know how being freshly married can add a level of 'stress' to a relationship - sometimes the honeymoon isn't as easy as folks make it sound like. I wanted to get the stress of combining our living situation out of the way before I added the stress of combining our finances and our lives.
c) Honestly, for me, it was a trial without the marriage. If we couldn't make it through those two years, I didn't want to marry him, as that wouldn't seem to be a good indication of how we could make it through a marriage.

I had seen far too many of my friends get married and divorced all within 2-3 years. I truly believed that it takes about two years to actually see all the innards - the dirty parts - of people. And that's just the surface of those dirty parts. If I/he couldn't handle what we saw in those two years - the wedding would have been called off. Period.

Sooooo. Yeah. *lol* I'm actually a big fan of shacking post-engagement with a set wedding date.

 

[simplertimes]

My parents would sooner break my neck.

This is my answer too LOL

 

[LadyChe]

I'm shacking up and have been for 6 months with a wedding date just 2 months away. I don't see anything wrong with it... if both parties are mature and not playing a passive aggressive mating dance in lieu of communication, it can work.

 

[calmsensual1]

I lived with someone for 2 years a few years ago. Our relationship was alright...it was more of a "captain save a ***" type relationship though.

I wouldn't do it again though. I wasnt looking for marriage then. But now I am.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

DH moved in after the honeymoon and gave up his apartment a few days after it was cleaned out.

Well....I checked other. We're engaged right now, not living together, no kids. Destination wedding date is set for 12/3/11. We're waiting that long so we can save money but we really want to get married now so we might just have a civil ceremony right before getting a place and then have a religious ceremony on the island in 2011. We're working on getting an apartment together by next spring.

For those who got married before moving in together, how long after the wedding did you move in together?

 

[Irresistible]

Question

what is a 'destination' wedding?

 

[SparkleDoll]

I would never shack up, but I know many people who do. I see nothing wrong with their choice, it's just not for me.

 

[ThickHair]

Question

what is a 'destination' wedding?

When you go on vacation and get married. Oh, and it is planned in advance. Otherwise you just eloped.

When I got married I got married at Breeze's resort in Nassau, Bahamas. You invite friends and family to attend or you can do it just you and you beloved. We let friends and family know a year in advance. Plenty o people said they were coming, in the end 6 people attended.

Can't do a common law destination marriage. LOL

 

[ANUBIS]

Now that is interesting.

I don't know if you're religious but if you are, does your religion (I'm assuming Islam) not require you to get married the legal way? I know for Christians if you don't have that legal certificate, you're still shackin' and sinnin'.

If legal you are referring to within the "church" then yes...as far as going to the court house and getting a piece of paper saying I am married to my husband i have yet to read in the Quran about that being mandatory.

You know whats also interesting? Is that believing that if you go before God that you also need to goto the court in order for God to accept the
marriage...so does that mean that God needs the OK from Judge Judy inorder to bless a marriage?

 

[ANUBIS]

so i guess everyone outside america is "just shackin up"

 

[Irresistible]

If legal you are referring to within the "church" then yes...as far as going to the court house and getting a piece of paper saying I am married to my husband i have yet to read in the Quran about that being mandatory.

You know whats also interesting? Is that believing that if you go before God that you also need to goto the court in order for God to accept the
marriage...so does that mean that God needs the OK from Judge Judy inorder to bless a marriage?

I felt the same way as you, still questioning it

this according to what my man just said

Christians follow, the scripture, that we obey those that have authority over us and Jesus said render under Ceasar what Ceaser's, (taxes and fees)

I'm still trying to figure what in the bible exactly defines Marriage, because in the old days they went in a tent and did the you know what (became one)

 

[Irresistible]

I felt the same way as you, still questioning it

this according to what my man just said

Christians follow, the scripture, that we obey those that have authority over us and Jesus said render under Ceasar what Ceaser's, (taxes and fees)

I'm still trying to figure what in the bible exactly defines Marriage, because in the old days they went in a tent and did the you know what (became one)

I still do think its beautiful to have a celebration of your union with loved ones and take vows before God

oh my man just said it started with Abraham's servant when he went to get Isaac's wife

*Mesopotanian's Customs*

He pulled out the word on me

 

[treybaby2005]

Can you ladies that are married but lived with your DH prior to the wedding tell us why you would have rather waited to get married before moving in?

Because my husband dragged his feet.He got comfortable with the free milk.If I didnt live with him,I think we wouldve gotten married sooner than later.

 

[tiara76]

The institution of marriage itself is of no interest to me....never has been... a legal contract to "prove" love, to receive "approval" of love from others has always been a lil suspect to me and that has GOD thrown into the mix on top of it rubs me the wrong way...

for years I just rejected the whole notion of marriage, never the notion of true love and soul/heart connections, those unions are so real and obvious there is no question they exist and they are happening.... they can easily be legally married people in this type of relationship just as easily people who are not but the paper isn't what made that union so...the love and connection is obvious with or without a piece of paper...

sacred marriage and union of two whole souls is what its about to me and its known and defined by the two people in the union, in that sense marriage makes perfect sense to me

kinda of like the "rumored" marriage of mary magdalene and Jesus....two souls wholly (holy) connected mind body and spirit to each other no legalities, state or church involved in any way

a beautiful thing no doubt

If the guy I connect with that way (who I think I already met) is hell bent on getting a legal document to prove our love I will do it that way (luckily he isn't), but I definitely don't think its in any way necessary to have in order to have a soulmate connection and beautiful relationship and would live with him no question or regard to what anybody else had to say about it for as long as we were thriving and growing together each individually and as a unit with love

let me add I would throw celebrations of our love all the time....have commitment and union ceremonies once a year on a different island with friends and family.....are you still happy and where you want to be? I'm still happy and where I want to be...lets go celebrate it in FIJI!!