So he does not want to marry me...

[Fine 4s]

Yes. I think this what it comes down to. I make him feel good about himself or fill some particular void. I know what needs to be done, but 1.) It is hard 2.) I am attached and need a swift kick to the butt. I just not interested in actively searching for "the one" and he appeared when I was not looking. I found in him a friend and it became more to me. I would like to think more for him, but I cannot read his mine and there are things that cannot be ignored. He told me who he was. You are correct

It's very hard, but you can do it!
Take baby steps, find a support system, see a shrink, go to church, do whatever you must, do something to remind yourself that the one who will truly love you is right behind this fool. What's not to love?

Oh don't get it twisted, I'm still trying to follow what I've just said above BUT start somewhere. It may or may not work but in the process you will learn something really awesome about yourself.
I went online just to see what it was like and ended up on a great date that gave me a good lift....knowing you have to leave a situation is the hardest thing in the world but you will develop such strong heart muscles

((((Big hugs))))

 

[Holla]

OP, you need to protect your heart as much as you protect your son's heart. If a man is not good enough to meet your son for over a year, he is not good enough for you. As a mother, I'm sure you want to keep your son from getting attached too easily but I sincerely believe if this guy was a role model for any young man, you would have long ago introduced your son to him even if you two weren't dating. The fact that you did so much with a man that you refused to let meet your kid speaks volumes.....to the guy as well. That's probably why he went on this long....dating you was no different than dating a woman without kids because he never had anything to do with your kid. Your kid was a nonfactor to him since they never met.

Also, having a kid/divorce is not baggage. I have PLENTY of former single mother friends who are now married to men who did not have any kids. Those men could have chosen to marry women without kids but they didn't. Those men are raising their stepchildren like their own (taking them to games, paying for tuition, etc.). If you want better, you can get it.

 

[HappyMadison]

Yes. I have a date over the weekend. I really do not want to go, but I am no saboteur. I am going to genuinely try to enjoy myself.

So what do I do about the trip he is sponsoring for my sister and I as a graduation gift?

 

[Holla]

Yes. I have a date over the weekend. I really do not want to go, but I am no saboteur. I am going to genuinely try to enjoy myself.

So what do I do about the trip he is sponsoring for my sister and I as a graduation gift?

Stop putting yourself in the position to be vulnerable! Take charge of your life but not letting things happen to you but by dictating what you will or will not do, even if something seems "free." You will feel indebted to him if you go and you will continue to open yourself up to being hurt by him. You can meet a new man and go on trips later.

 

[HappyMadison]

Stop putting yourself in the position to be vulnerable! Take charge of your life but not letting things happen to you but by dictating what you will or will not do, even if something seems "free." You will feel indebted to him if you go and you will continue to open yourself up to being hurt by him. You can meet a new man and go on trips later.

You are right. My granny says a hard head makes a soft butt. I think I am ready to move on now and I want to thank everyone for their advice. It has not been taken lightly.

 

[daydreem2876]

even if you are not thinking about marriage, he is and his vision of it does not include you. you have to decide if you are ok with that when determining how to proceed with him. he may change his mind, he may not. the question is... are you willing to take that gamble?

no judgements here, I'm just asking you to consider the question

 

[HappyMadison]

Just an update:

I broke up with him last week. He was over that Saturday and after he left I felt depressed. I told him I feel weird and he knew why. I told him a pebble can skip across water but eventually it sinks (yes we talk in proverbs sometimes lol). I cannot pretend to be on the surface anymore. He said he is still my friend, he still supports me and he does not want to see me sad all the time. That he was hurt in the past and he did not trust the idea of love. I said then you do not trust me. He said I was making him reprogram how he has lived for years and it scared him. I said right now I need to redistribute the energy I put into you. He said my son is the priority. I said my son has always been my main one but I was sad that I never got to integrate. So what we did seemed like escapism. He said nothing is permanent, feelings change.
....

I told my grandmother that I was always listening to the things he did Not want, but I never expressed the things I wanted and it did not make me feel good. I needed affirmation that this was building to something.

So I let him know what I wanted and he said my emotional health is important so do what I need to do. He said nothing is permanent. She said he is right (of course she would, old school southern belle). She said he's made strides and I just listed my demands and cut him off without giving him a chance to accept or adapt. He now know what I expect and but I am not going to wait.

....

He text me today: " I met you for the first time today last year" He told me what I had on and how bashful I was.

I kind of laughed it off. We weren't dating at the time. It was the actual instance we met. I had my moment of weakness but carried on.

I was like how did you remember that? Turned it around on him like why are you thinking about these things?

He also liked a picture of my son when he was an infant and you would have to dig for that picture. It was taken in 2007. I gave myself a day to privately obsess over the significance of that action and then moved on.


But it was hard. I cried so much and was sick to my stomach.

So I am single again. I have a profile on OKCupid but I am no good. I am a road to nowhere. I am very critical. I hate dating because I hate trying to figure out others intentions but I have to stop being so closed hearted.

 

[tolly]

you will be fine....eventually. Please don't let him lure you back into his arms [he sounds like the type] if he can't commit to you and you want to marry again, having a clean break is better for you. You'll love again, just pick a man who loves everything about you, and doesn't think less of you for your past.
I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

Hey OP,

That was very brave of you. Wish you much love success in the future. One tidbit of advice: maybe give the online dating a break. It might be better to go out with your girlfriends and re-discover what makes you happy.

 

[HappyMadison]

Hey OP,

That was very brave of you. Wish you much love success in the future. One tidbit of advice: maybe give the online dating a break. It might be better to go out with your girlfriends and re-discover what makes you happy.

Yes, I never meet anyone online. It is more an ego boost and entertainment. I think I need someone to lie to me and tell me they love me from a picture which I receive quite often. I say, "oh, really how did you come up with that conclusion?" My girls and I get together and say look at these fools. That is bad...

I am more interested in getting back into spiritual counsel. I go to therapy over my issues with the military and my father, but we have not addressed current events so maybe integrate those into my sessions. I work so much I requested off every weekend my son does not go to his father's house, and, instead of staying in playing video games ( that his reward for good grades and behavior, he does not get to play during the week), we start taking more day trips. Also my educational plan was all over the place so I streamlined it and I will now accomplish my goals earlier than expected.

I figure between work, the weekend trips, and school there are plenty opportunities to practice an openhearted approach towards people in general, not just men.

 

[Curly Lee]

I think you're amazing. I can hear your sincerity and a certain tranquility in your words. You're in pain now but you won't be forever. And you can feel that, which is why I get a tranquility from your words. A certain resolve. I really enjoyed this thread, I think the feedback was invaluable and your perspective was awesome to read. You don't sound weak or silly, just like a woman who is recovering from a difficult time. I have so much faith that you'll recover and be prosperous in love.

 

[mensa]

Good that he was honest with you.

 

[Farida]

OP this is tough but you made the right choice. There are people who get along well and have great relationships but there is just a dealbreaker and those situations are very hard to extricate yourself from. It may very well be that he loves you and your time together but a kid is not something you just get over. You are either for it or you are not. Be strong and keep your head up and I hope things workout for you in a better circumstance.

 

[God_Favor]

His loss your BLESSING

 

[tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT]

He wouldnt be my only option anymore. I would make it my business to get some new male friends to date and flirt with. If u wanna keep him around you can, but I wouldnt devote much energy into that anymore.

This is the answer

100%

 

[cherryhair123]

Yes, I never meet anyone online. It is more an ego boost and entertainment. I think I need someone to lie to me and tell me they love me from a picture which I receive quite often. I say, "oh, really how did you come up with that conclusion?" My girls and I get together and say look at these fools. That is bad... I am more interested in getting back into spiritual counsel. I go to therapy over my issues with the military and my father, but we have not addressed current events so maybe integrate those into my sessions. I work so much I requested off every weekend my son does not go to his father's house, and, instead of staying in playing video games ( that his reward for good grades and behavior, he does not get to play during the week), we start taking more day trips. Also my educational plan was all over the place so I streamlined it and I will now accomplish my goals earlier than expected. I figure between work, the weekend trips, and school there are plenty opportunities to practice an openhearted approach towards people in general, not just men.

That sounds great- you are definitely doing the right thing by focusing on you and your child

 

[Avyn]

My friend is a life coach and she did an exercise with me that helped me evaluate what my values are and taught me how to filter my decisions through my values and goals. It became very easy for me to cut out options that didn't align with where I am, what I feel is imp and where im going.

 

[Kindheart]

My friend is a life coach and she did an exercise with me that helped me evaluate what my values are and taught me how to filter my decisions through my values and goals. It became very easy for me to cut out options that didn't align with where I am, what I feel is imp and where im going.

Do you mind sharing what the exercise is? Avyn

 

[Avyn]

I don't see mentions on my phone Kindheart Fine 4s VirtuousGal
She gave me a checklist with a list of maybe 50 core values and characteristics and had me rank how important they were to me. I sent this to her to look over and then we talked about the situation that I wanted to sort out. She helped me to use my highest ranking values and characteristics on the list to sift through this situation. This was a really useful tool that I will utilize for the rest of my life because I although I have expectations, goals and strong values, I don't always filter situations, people, and myself through them. When I'm working through tough situations I often think about how I will feel, pros and cons, etc. but not my values. It would seem that it would be a given but after doing that exercise I realize that I would have made different decisions in the past if I'd held myself to some of the things I value and let all the other external factors I was considering fall away. It was a very helpful and eye opening practice. HTH!!