So he does not want to marry me...

[BostonMaria]

Yes. I think this what it comes down to. I make him feel good. I know what needs to be done, but 1.) It is hard 2.) I am attached and need a swift kick to the butt. I just not interested in actively searching for "the one" and he appeared when I was not looking. I found in him a friend and it became more to me. I would like to think more for him, but I cannot read his mine and there are things that cannot be ignored. He told me who he was. You are correct

Just sending you a big hug

 

[HappyMadison]

I have been asked out several times over the past year, but it is scary to have to disclose the divorce and child and fear rejection.

I think I cling to this one because I did not have a choice on hiding the matter. It felt like acceptance but it was not full acceptance. I am settling and am deserving of more. Maybe not at this time. I am working on some things to become more self sufficient and eventually someone will appreciate me entirely.

I just do not know how to quit. I tried cold turkey but he came back. Now maybe I should do the fade. Be non responsive.

 

[HappyMadison]

I don't think that it is that he sees her as a friend with benefits because they are in a committed relationship. ..he just doesn't want to take that next step of commitment and make her his wife.

Yes and I do not believe that is fair to either one of us. He is going to always wonder and it is always going to create conflict.

 

[LiftedUp]

I have been asked out several times over the past year, but it is scary to have to disclose the divorce and child and fear rejection.

.

It's not a tarnish. As you said, it has made you the person you are today. The right man would accept every single aspect of you!

I know it's easier said than done but it's true

 

[hopeful]

The more you share the more it seems like you don't really know what you want and your self-esteem took a hit because of the divorce, like you think your value is diminished and you want to achieve this and that first for you and your son's security, but also to make you feel more valuable. If you need time to heal I think you should take time to do that, but you need to know deeply that you are still valuable and lovable and the right guy for you will see that and see you as the prize and will want to win your and your son's heart. If you do break up with him try to figure out what you want and rebuild your self-esteem before getting into another relationship. I thinking dating someone who has so clearly said you aren't wife material could further damage how you see and feel about yourself.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

1. OP, you are making my head hurt. 2. He's not going to marry you, he's simply going to depreciate your (self) value. For him YOU are Ms.RightNOW; like a FWB or a rental car.

Agreed! I would dump him quickly . This year long "commitment " has been a waste of time .

OP you should take this time to map out your life . Stop trying to figure this man out. It is exactly what he says it is.

 

[Evolving78]

Yes. I think this what it comes down to. I make him feel good about himself or fill some particular void. I know what needs to be done, but

1.) It is hard

2.) I am attached and need a swift kick to the butt.

I just not interested in actively searching for "the one" and he appeared when I was not looking. I found in him a friend and it became more to me. I would like to think more for him, but I cannot read his mine and there are things that cannot be ignored. He told me who he was. You are correct

He wouldnt be my only option anymore. I would make it my business to get some new male friends to date and flirt with. If u wanna keep him around you can, but I wouldnt devote much energy into that anymore.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

I have been asked out several times over the past year, but it is scary to have to disclose the divorce and child and fear rejection. I think I cling to this one because I did not have a choice on hiding the matter. It felt like acceptance but it was not full acceptance. I am settling and am deserving of more. Maybe not at this time. I am working on some things to become more self sufficient and eventually someone will appreciate me entirely. I just do not know how to quit. I tried cold turkey but he came back. Now maybe I should do the fade. Be non responsive.

Stop feeling ashamed of your divorce and child. There is no stigma. Your situation is common. Give someone else a try. Maybe date someone in similar situation if it will make you feel better .

You have been in committed relationship for a year with someone who does not accept all of you . You have let this man bring your self esteem down.

You are an honorable lady with one special kid that a man would be lucky to have in his life . Don't settle -if not for yourself - do it for your baby.

 

[Evolving78]

I have been asked out several times over the past year, but it is scary to have to disclose the divorce and child and fear rejection.

I think I cling to this one because I did not have a choice on hiding the matter. It felt like acceptance but it was not full acceptance. I am settling and am deserving of more. Maybe not at this time. I am working on some things to become more self sufficient and eventually someone will appreciate me entirely.

I just do not know how to quit. I tried cold turkey but he came back. Now maybe I should do the fade. Be non responsive.

I understand where u are coming from, but believe being divorced and with a child will not hinder you. It will make you more aware of who and what you are getting involved with.

 

[Iwanthealthyhair67]

That fact that he doesn't want to get married to someone who has a child is understandable, but why date him then, if my child is unacceptable even while dating then so am I, I'm sorry but it all seems like such a waste of time.

 

[MzLady78]

That fact that he doesn't want to get married to someone who has a child is understandable, but why date him then, if my child is unacceptable even while dating then so am I, I'm sorry but it all seems like such a waste of time.

This is what's annoying me. I'm sure OP disclosed this information at the beginning, so if it was gonna be a problem, he should have kept it moving then.

As for what's happening right now, I don't know that there's anywhere to go from here, unfortunately.

 

[GoldenRule]

I have been asked out several times over the past year, but it is scary to have to disclose the divorce and child and fear rejection.

I think I cling to this one because I did not have a choice on hiding the matter. It felt like acceptance but it was not full acceptance. I am settling and am deserving of more. Maybe not at this time. I am working on some things to become more self sufficient and eventually someone will appreciate me entirely.

I just do not know how to quit. I tried cold turkey but he came back. Now maybe I should do the fade. Be non responsive.

He's from a different country. Divorce is regarded differently other places. Do NOT let that make you feel lesser. How many people do you know here that DON'T have a divorce or a child in their back story?

He's told you how he feels and I know it's hard but you have to take it at face value. He's saying you are not marriage material FOR HIM...doesn't mean you aren't marriage material for SOMEONE ELSE. Matter of fact, you already were and YOU STILL ARE. But now that he's told you that, don't waste any more time on him. You do not need to do a "fade", just lock up the cookies. He does not want to marry you, he gets no more cookies. Your body is not a free all you can eat buffet. Let him get his cookies from whomever he considers "good enough" to marry. Trust and believe, he'll fade himself. But he will stay around as long as you let him while the kitchen is open.

 

[vani]

Break up with him and find someone who wants to be married and build a life with you and your kid.

If you stay with him, you'll waste time and tears. He already told you he won't marry you.

You and your son deserve better than that!

 

[cutiebe2]

That fact that he doesn't want to get married to someone who has a child is understandable, but why date him then, if my child is unacceptable even while dating then so am I, I'm sorry but it all seems like such a waste of time.

Yeah the "are you okay with kids" talk should have happened eons ago, and then you would have been able to just keep in movin. That's all I have to add.

 

[Iwanthealthyhair67]

Yeah the "are you okay with kids" talk should have happened eons ago, and then you would have been able to just keep in movin. That's all I have to add.

Same thing I'm thinking, once I found it he's not into children I wasn't sticking around to change his mind.

Even 1 year is too much time to waste.

 

[HappyMadison]

Same thing I'm thinking, once I found it he's not into children I wasn't sticking around to change his mind.

Even 1 year is too much time to waste.

Yes, I was going to the school he worked at and he, my teacher, and I were talking about various things including children. I did not think we would be dating so I did not feel the need to be guarded concerning my kid. So much so, he even my Facebook friend, which is a rare thing. My ex husband was not even allowed on my Facebook. So he knows how much my son is involved in my life. Like I said, he admired it because his sister is in the same situation as me... the very same one. And he is so involved in his nephew's life. He feels responsible for his newphew's upbringing.

There was no hiding that aspect of my life. I feel he cannot really know me until he sees how I act as a mother in action.

 

[HappyMadison]

He's from a different country. Divorce is regarded differently other places. Do NOT let that make you feel lesser. How many people do you know here that DON'T have a divorce or a child in their back story?

He's told you how he feels and I know it's hard but you have to take it at face value. He's saying you are not marriage material FOR HIM...doesn't mean you aren't marriage material for SOMEONE ELSE. Matter of fact, you already were and YOU STILL ARE. But now that he's told you that, don't waste any more time on him. You do not need to do a "fade", just lock up the cookies. He does not want to marry you, he gets no more cookies. Your body is not a free all you can eat buffet. Let him get his cookies from whomever he considers "good enough" to marry. Trust and believe, he'll fade himself. But he will stay around as long as you let him while the kitchen is open.

Yes. Divorce is a no no in his culture; however, his dad has been divorce and so has his sister.

His big thing, according to him, is the children. He knows what sister is going through and what his older sibling goes through.

He is also pressured to get married being the first born, first son. She must be Persian and no attachments. I have neither. That is main reason for not marrying. He was engaged once before to a white girl and his mother did not like her. She said it will fail because she was not Persian, the father's ex wife was also white and it did not work out so marry someone like your mother.

Well it did not work out because the girl was more concern with the lifestyle. And he is wolves because he "went against the grain" for the girl and she was using him. And mom was delight because she was right. He wanted me to meet his parents last year as a friend, but I said no. That meet me and my son together as a package.

They are coming this summer as well and HE wanted to try again. He already knows my conditions.

 

[ambergirl]

OP, it sounds like you wanted a FWB situation and so you didn't ask key questions but then you caught some feelings. Doesn't appear that he's been dishonest but rather now that the rubber's hitting the road he's decided he doesn't want to renegotiate the terms you were willing to accept in the beginning.

I think you need to walk away. The odds of him changing his mind are slim to none And not to be preachy, but something about the way you've handled this relationship given you have a child isn't sitting well. Before you date again it might be helpful to clear out any residual guilt or shame about your divorce.

 

[LiftedUp]

He wanted me to meet his parents last year as a friend, but I said no. That meet me and my son together as a package.

They are coming this summer as well and HE wanted to try again. He already knows my conditions.

That's a lot to put on someone's parents. Hi, meet my girlfriend and her child. Don't worry, she's divorced... I think it's a bit much... for the first meeting.

 

[HappyMadison]

The more you share the more it seems like you don't really know what you want and your self-esteem took a hit because of the divorce, like you think your value is diminished and you want to achieve this and that first for you and your son's security, but also to make you feel more valuable. If you need time to heal I think you should take time to do that, but you need to know deeply that you are still valuable and lovable and the right guy for you will see that and see you as the prize and will want to win your and your son's heart. If you do break up with him try to figure out what you want and rebuild your self-esteem before getting into another relationship. I thinking dating someone who has so clearly said you aren't wife material could further damage how you see and feel about yourself.

Yes my self esteem did take a hit. I disclosed from the beginning that I had a problem with security. If he wanted to be my friend, be that. If it becomes something more be as sure as you can be. But we were friends above everything else. I said I wanted to try open and honesty and it was good for me. I never hid a thing from besides my issues with my father. There is just not a way to bring that up, although before the space we talked in depth about my marriage. That was scary. And may had something to do with the space.

 

[Iwanthealthyhair67]

Yes, I was going to the school he worked at and he, my teacher, and I were talking about various things including children. I did not think we would be dating so I did not feel the need to be guarded concerning my kid. So much so, he even my Facebook friend, which is a rare thing. My ex husband was not even allowed on my Facebook. So he knows how much my son is involved in my life. Like I said, he admired it because his sister is in the same situation as me... the very same one. And he is so involved in his nephew's life. He feels responsible for his newphew's upbringing.

There was no hiding that aspect of my life. I feel he cannot really know me until he sees how I act as a mother in action.

Despite the similarities between you and his sister and his admiration for you as a single parent he still seems disinterested in getting to know your son, this is very telling in itself.

He already know that's you are a great mother, there is nothing left to show him, his mind is set.

You are doing your son a yourself a serious disservice by continuing in this relationship.

 

[HappyMadison]

OP, it sounds like you wanted a FWB situation and so you didn't ask key questions but then you caught some feelings. Doesn't appear that he's been dishonest but rather now that the rubber's hitting the road he's decided he doesn't want to renegotiate the terms you were willing to accept in the beginning.

I think you need to walk away. The odds of him changing his mind are slim to none And not to be preachy, but something about the way you've handled this relationship given you have a child isn't sitting well. Before you date again it might be helpful to clear out any residual guilt or shame about your divorce.

Yes. That is exactly what happened. But again I am never the one to bring up marriage. It is always him to create distance. And I was like, you know what, stop. I never asked you to marry me.

His space. I bowed out gracefully. He never was deceptive. I was like go find yourself. In private it was hard. He came back.

I may have been wrong about concerning dating and having a child, but I am learning. I am very open for suggestions and am not shy at admitting fault.

 

[HappyMadison]

That's a lot to put on someone's parents. Hi, meet my girlfriend and her child. Don't worry, she's divorced... I think it's a bit much... for the first meeting.

I am inclined to agree but they are not stateside much so I did not know when it would be a good time to tell these things.

 

[HappyMadison]

Despite the similarities between you and his sister and his admiration for you as a single parent he still seems disinterested in getting to know your son, this is very telling in itself.

He already know that's you are a great mother, there is nothing left to show him, his mind is set.

You are doing your son a yourself a serious disservice by continuing in this relationship.

I do not want to make excuses for him but I wanted to clarify part of the reason he has not met my son is me. He asks about him everyday actually or as often as we talk. I have not worked up to it because I have been unsure and I am so afraid of damaging my child.

Also, he has only been stateside for ten years. His sister cannot remarry in Iran. At least in their province. She will have to come stateside for that chance but she is not custodial even though she is the primary caregiver. There are things he can do that his sister cannot. He, the SO can adopt his newphew. He may be attaching the same thing to me.

 

[hopeful]

Sounds like you're in a tough space hon. Getting over a divorce, trying to be the best mom you can, and have some joy for yourself. Sometimes life is just tough. And if you have issues with your father too, well, that alone can hurt so much. I wish you the best and all the happiness your heart desires. (((Hugs)))

 

[ambergirl]

Yes. That is exactly what happened. But again I am never the one to bring up marriage. It is always him to create distance. And I was like, you know what, stop. I never asked you to marry me.

His space. I bowed out gracefully. He never was deceptive. I was like go find yourself. In private it was hard. He came back.

I may have been wrong about concerning dating and having a child, but I am learning. I am very open for suggestions and am not shy at admitting fault.

OP I hear your sincerity... Sounds like you took a big hit in your previous marriage.

I tend to think the ways we communicate through our actions, behaviors, and beliefs is as important as what we say. So considering that, this is what it seems you were communicating to him.

"I'm just out of this marriage that I probably shouldn't have went into in the first place and so I'm judging myself about that. I also have a child and I'm worried about how he's weathering the divorce and my dating again. Plus I'm not sure you'll accept me as a divorcee or my child. So I'm going to ask for nothing. But I hope that as you get to know me, you'll fall in love with me and deem me worthy of love, deeper commitment, and marriage."

In short, you didn't ask for much because you thought you had to "sell" your worth to him. He may be repeating those sentiments to you now, but maybe because that's what you've been telling him that about yourself through your actions and behaviors?

To me, it sounds like you need to affirm to yourself that you are worthy and lovable just as you are. That you deserve love, commitment, and marriage. That ending a marriage that wasn't working was a brave, smart, and courageous thing to do. And that you're now ready to move forward in life and love knowing that you can have the love and commitment you want.

As for this guy, most likely he's made up his mind and you need to move on. The one possibility is just being upfront and honest with him about why you approached the relationship the way you did ( I was really struggling with feeling badly about my marriage, divorce and so I didn't ask for what I really wanted. What I really want is a loving, committed relationship with someone one who wants to build a life with me and my child. If that's not what you want, I understand and thank you for the time we spent together. I learned a lot about myself and what I want through this relationship and for that I'm grateful.) The. end.

 

[Browndilocks]

He specifically told you he doesn't want you or your son. I really can't see what there is to ponder. No room for discussion or thought after that. This is how people get tripped up with drama and hurt feelings, trying to find gray areas when it's really simple black and white.

 

[ambergirl]

He specifically told you he doesn't want you or your son. I really can't see what there is to ponder. No room for discussion or thought after that. This is how people get tripped up with drama and hurt feelings, trying to find gray areas when it's really simple black and white.

I agree. But sometimes the closure is for us. Even if OP says nothing to him. Just writing down what she wants and what she learned from this relationship will help.

 

[Browndilocks]

^^^^ agreed. Writing it down is one thing. But the back & forth thing and still engaging him only becomes a waste of time.

 

[Evolving78]

He specifically told you he doesn't want you or your son. I really can't see what there is to ponder. No room for discussion or thought after that. This is how people get tripped up with drama and hurt feelings, trying to find gray areas when it's really simple black and white.

That can be such a hard pill to swallow. And it is messed up when the person still wants to be around you, even though they flat out told you that you aren't what they want.