So he does not want to marry me...

HappyMadison

HappyMadison

Kanye's Surrogate
We had a heart to heart. About two weeks ago he said he need "time to think." I was like it someone else. And he told me it was not. It lasted all of four days. At first we went on as if that space never existed but it bothered me he would not discuss it. Those four days tore me up and I told him how hurt I was. So finally he opened up.

We have not met but both his parents and I were pressing for the same thing, home ownership. For me it was to prove he commit to this area, to us, because he has the tendencies to just move. I cannot introduce him to my son without a concrete commitment. Home ownership is a commitment. He moves into his house this weekend.

He said he just does not see himself marrying and if he did it would be someone who was brand new to it all. No children and not previously married. I can understand it. Being commitment free to being in a ready made family. It can be scary.

I said you do not have to cater your dislikes around my situation. I am not asking you to marry me. That is the furthest thing on my mind right now and you are bringing it up, it means it is something you are considering and talking yourself out of. He talks himself down from ledges all the time. And he are not doing me any favors committing himself to not marrying someone else to be with me.

He said we have been together exclusively almost a year (the first time he has mentioned it) and the progression of things would be to take it towards those things, but again I have experienced things he has not. It has been a smooth year. The conflict comes from his resistance.

I told him to relax. Truthfully I got married for the wrong reasons and I should have never did it in the first place and I do not know if I believe in it. It just the way I grew up I was conditioned towards it as he is so I acted prematurely. He sounds more scared of failure and I already reflect that. He does not want his future children to be potentially raised in a broken household. But every failure and success (my son) led me to this moment. I would not be here had I changed any one event from the past. I will not apologize or feel bad for it. I also think once he meets my son that will change becuase my son is outstanding and I essentially raised him by myself.

I am being pressured by my family to "seal the deal" with him fast like I did with my ex husband and that did not turn out too well. He is being pressured to get married. I believe it is easier for me to cut out outside influences because I made the mistakes already.

I just cannot get married until I own a home as well, finish with my degree and start out in the career I am meant to retire in. That was my mistake. I put it on hold to support my ex husband. It is not a thought even though I am being told I should be thinking towards it.
 
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Let me get this right:

You're a divorcee with a son whose trying to finish a degree, start a career, and buy a home. You want your boyfriend to show commitment by buying a home in your area to prove he's staying. He thinks you just want to be married. You don't. All the parents do. And he's not sure he likes your baggage (divorce and son)?
 
Your post is confusing me. Too much going on and I can't tell if you are venting or asking a question. But, based on what I do understand this part from your post:

"He said he just does not see himself marrying and if he did it would be someone who was brand new to it all. No children and not previously married. I can understand it. Being commitment free to being in a ready made family. It can be scary."

I would leave him alone. You have so much going on anyway and I don't understand why you and the parents would be pressuring him about anything.
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
Let me get this right:

You're a divorcee with a son whose trying to finish a degree, start a career, and buy a home. You want your boyfriend to show commitment by buying a home in your area to prove he's staying. He thinks you just want to be married. You don't. All the parents do. And he's not sure he likes your baggage (divorce and son)?
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Yes. In a sense. I never hinted towards marriage. We are "committed." At first I did not think to take it seriously. When I met him he just moved here and the year before he was in San Diego and the year before New Jersey. He just bounces around a lot. I did not want to get in deep with him, introduce him to my family and then he ups and leaves. I do not introduce any man to my son. He would be the first. It is brand new to me. There was no ultimatum, just something he was suggesting and I was personally like yes, that proves he is committed to the area. It was something I advocated, yes.

His parents are far more pushy than I am. They want him married with a house by now. Over the year our feelings have deepen and things are becoming serious but not to the point to consider marriage, at least not for me but he is bring it up but in the context not getting married right now and things he would have to get over. It is becoming annoying actually so finally we put it out there.

It leads me to believe it something he is starting to consider.
 
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You are setting yourself up to be disappointed. You have asked him to buy a house to 'show commitment to the area', he took a four day break from you and you stated not being interested in marriage yet you think meeting your son would change his mind....... I don't know what to say to you
 
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hopeful said:
Your post is confusing me. Too much going on and I can't tell if you are venting or asking a question. But, based on what I do understand this part from your post:

"He said he just does not see himself marrying and if he did it would be someone who was brand new to it all. No children and not previously married. I can understand it. Being commitment free to being in a ready made family. It can be scary."

I would leave him alone. You have so much going on anyway and I don't understand why you and the parents would be pressuring him about anything.
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Just venting lol. At first he was like I am never getting married and I was like "good, take off your clothes"

Couple of months later it was like I have feelings for you but I do not think I want to settle down. I was like "it's okay, I have other things I am focusing on."

Six months into it was it will be a couple of years before I settle do, am I taking care of you? Me: I love you.

Nine months, he needs time to think.
 
So I think the question is, once you've accomplished your goals, would he be a man you want to marry? Cause it doesn't mean his opinion of you (or rather your past) will change.
 
When someone tells you how they feel about you, or they show you who they really are, it is best to believe them.
 
tolly said:
You are setting yourself up to be disappointed. You have asked him to buy a house to 'how commitment to the area', he took a four day break from you and you stated not being interested in marriage yet you think meeting your son would change his mind....... I don't know what to say to you
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I am sorry for not being clear.

1.) I never asked him to buy a house. It is something he mentioned as a goal. Settling in the area because he moves around a lot. It would be easier to build a relationship if he committed to the area. I do not see where the logic is faulty. His parents have a different push but I gave him a list of realtors and supported it.

2.) I think one of the stigmas behind divorce is broken children. That is what he expressed to me. His culture is a little more hardcore than mine. He has a sibling he has never met from his father's previous marriage and that sibling has no rights. If and when he meets my son I hope it eases some of that, but no, it almost been a year and he has not met my son. I do not whore out my son for a ring lol.
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
So I think the question is, once you've accomplished your goals, would he be a man you want to marry? Cause it doesn't mean his opinion of you (or rather your past) will change.
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Honestly, I do not know. I do not know if I want to get married again. There is so much to work on here, but we have been here so long. I told him I was scared. I think all of this is about being scared. But I have not fooled myself either. I am listening, but I do not know how to take it.

I did not "expect" this to get any deeper or go as long as it has and it's exciting and frightening. I do not know if it is naive to think this could be "more." It's like now what? Where does it go from here? Probably a dead end or a brick wall lol.
 
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HappyMadison said:
Honestly, I do not know. I do not know if I want to get married again. There is so much to work on here, but we have been here so long. I told him I was scared. I think all of this is about being scared. But I have not fooled myself either. I am listening, but I do not know how to take it.
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I would take it as a warning. It seems that he really likes you but does not want a ready made family. Honestly, not meeting your son yet is probably adding to the stress. But I understand that, I get it, but after a year of dating, I kinda don't get it. They don't have to bond and hang out but a meeting wouldn't be so bad IMO. He probably can't imagine what life would be like for the three of you. With all that said, he seems to be preparing to move on and is trying to let you down easily.
 
hopeful said:
I would take it as a warning. It seems that he really likes you but does not want a ready made family. Honestly, not meeting your son yet is probably adding to the stress. But I understand that, I get it, but after a year of dating, I kinda don't get it. They don't have to bond and hang out but a meeting wouldn't be so bad IMO. He probably can't imagine what life would be like for the three of you. With all that said, he seems to be preparing to move on and is trying to let you down easily.
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I know. I am delaying it becuase I do not want my son to feel abandoned. We are already working things out concerning his dad. His dad is putting his career above him so I monitor who comes in and out, but on the other hand they both are aware of each other. So it may be time.

I actually suggested dating others. It did not go over well. I said the break was for a reason. He suggest it was just pressure. Maybe he is just testing the water to see if he does his thing will I take him back or to do things on terms.
 
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He won't feel abandoned if he just meets the guy. Go to a movie with you guys or have some ice cream. Kids feel abandoned when moms move in men, have them acting like daddy, staying over, around all the time, etc. which I think is crazy and dangerous. But meeting and spending a little time together is not that big of a deal IMO. But I've not been in your situation so take what I say with a grain of salt. I think you need to see how they interact with each other. Kids have pretty good instincts. Your guy may be super awkward. Your son may think he's a creep. Or they may get along just fine. But at this point he may have one foot out the door so idk. But if he stops acting like a baby maybe introduce them. Otherwise, I wouldn't wait a year next time. Maybe six months if you really like the guy. And again, meet, not forming some deep relationship where your son will feel abandoned.
 
HappyMadison said:
We had a heart to heart. About two weeks ago he said he need "time to think." I was like it someone else. And he told me it was not. It lasted all of four days. At first we went on as if that space never existed but it bothered me he would not discuss it. Those four days tore me up and I told him how hurt I was. So finally he opened up.

We have not met but both his parents and I were pressing for the same thing, home ownership. For me it was to prove he commit to this area, to us, because he has the tendencies to just move. I cannot introduce him to my son without a concrete commitment. Home ownership is a commitment. He moves into his house this weekend.

He said he just does not see himself marrying and if he did it would be someone who was brand new to it all. No children and not previously married. I can understand it. Being commitment free to being in a ready made family. It can be scary.

I said you do not have to cater your dislikes around my situation. I am not asking you to marry me. That is the furthest thing on my mind right now and you are bringing it up, it means it is something you are considering and talking yourself out of. He talks himself down from ledges all the time. And he are not doing me any favors committing himself to not marrying someone else to be with me.

He said we have been together exclusively almost a year (the first time he has mentioned it) and the progression of things would be to take it towards those things, but again I have experienced things he has not. It has been a smooth year. The conflict comes from his resistance.

I told him to relax. Truthfully I got married for the wrong reasons and I should have never did it in the first place and I do not know if I believe in it. It just the way I grew up I was conditioned towards it as he is so I acted prematurely. He sounds more scared of failure and I already reflect that. He does not want his future children to be potentially raised in a broken household. But every failure and success (my son) led me to this moment. I would not be here had I changed any one event from the past. I will not apologize or feel bad for it. I also think once he meets my son that will change becuase my son is outstanding and I essentially raised him by myself.

I am being pressured by my family to "seal the deal" with him fast like I did with my ex husband and that did not turn out too well. He is being pressured to get married. I believe it is easier for me to cut out outside influences because I made the mistakes already.

I just cannot get married until I own a home as well, finish with my degree and start out in the career I am meant to retire in. That was my mistake. I put it on hold to support my ex husband. It is not a thought even though I am being told I should be thinking towards it.
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You're pretty much asking him for commitment (buy a house, talking marriage, etc) when your actions are telling him you're not ready for commitment (refusing to introduce him to your family- son and parents included- and pretty much telling him he's on the back burner until your other goals are completed)
The other problem is if he sees himself being married to somebody with no prior children you may as well cut your losses because he told you how he really feels
 
It seems like you need to decide if you have time to waste. He has already told you that he's not interested in marrying you because of your child and divorce. That probably will not change since your circumstances probably won't change. So, you could spend time hanging with him or cut your losses and try to find someone that you could actually have a future with. I can understand that you may not be interested in marriage right now, but what happens when/if your feelings change?
 
Foxglove said:
You're pretty much asking him for commitment (buy a house, talking marriage, etc) when your actions are telling him you're not ready for commitment (refusing to introduce him to your family- son and parents included- and pretty much telling him he's on the back burner until your other goals are completed)
The other problem is if he sees himself being married to somebody with no prior children you may as well cut your losses because he told you how he really feels
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Yes. That is exactly it. I am sending mixed signals. As if he would change his mind because he is doing xyz. I think I assigned meaning to one of his goals. He already wanted to get a house. He has been flighty about it.

He also has been flighty about staying. I come realize I have little influence over his decision to stay or get a house.
 
Urban said:
Does he want to be a father figure to your son?
Click to expand...

Honestly I do not know. He ask me about him everyday. Gives me the time I require to square him away, cook, check homework, give him my undivided attention as soon as he comes home.

He says he respects me as a parent and he respects that my son comes first. It just not something he wants. Marriage and children, according to him. I feel I have pressured him for neither.
 
1. OP, you are making my head hurt.

2.
RocStar said:
When someone tells you how they feel about you, or they show you who they really are, it is best to believe them.
Click to expand...


He's not going to marry you, he's simply going to depreciate your (self) value. For him YOU are Ms.RightNOW; like a FWB or a rental car.
 
I don't think that it is that he sees her as a friend with benefits because they are in a committed relationship. ..he just doesn't want to take that next step of commitment and make her his wife.
 
I think you ll end up wasting valuable time with a man who clearly doesn't want to commit to you .
He s unsure of his feelings and will leave you hanging on a hope and a dream for years .
When he tells you he doesn't want to commit to a woman with children he s basically telling you "I like you but i can do better " .
 
RocStar said:
When someone tells you how they feel about you, or they show you who they really are, it is best to believe them.
Click to expand...

Yes! I learned this the hard way myself.

Do you really want to introduce your son to someone that doesn't accept him? He might resent the boy and not treat him nice. Plus if your BF told you he doesn't want to marry you, you're settling basically. You're the one just there until he finds Mrs Right. That's not fair to you. He's not stringing you along and giving you a heads up. That's at least nice of him to tell you now.

Even if you're not interested in marriage, do you really want to stick around till he dumps you for an "upgrade"?

ETA: posting this with love AND as a woman that went through something similar. I ended dumping dude up marrying somebody else.
 
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HappyMadison said:
Honestly I do not know. He ask me about him everyday. Gives me the time I require to square him away, cook, check homework, give him my undivided attention as soon as he comes home.

He says he respects me as a parent and he respects that my son comes first. It just not something he wants. Marriage and children, according to him. I feel I have pressured him for neither.
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So how do you propose to make this work if he's never involved with your son? I say that because he's (and you) have clearly stated that he's not interested in children. I mean, do you just want a 'side' buddy or what? How do you envision this 10 years from now?

Honestly, I think he's told you how he feels. He's already started pushing you away. I mean, what kind of grown man takes a break for 4 days and then comes back like nothing happened? And he didn't even bring up the topic until you pressed it.

At the end of the day, your child will always have some bearing on the decisions you make. And that's just not what he wants.
 
To me he's saying that he likes you but he doesn't want a ready made family. He is saying that he's not sure he wants to get married to ease the blow of not wanting to get married to you given the circumstances.

He sounds like the type of guy, 6 months after you break up, you find out he's engaged and a year later, you find out he's married with a child on the way.
 
gabulldawg said:
It seems like you need to decide if you have time to waste. He has already told you that he's not interested in marrying you because of your child and divorce. That probably will not change since your circumstances probably won't change. So, you could spend time hanging with him or cut your losses and try to find someone that you could actually have a future with. I can understand that you may not be interested in marriage right now, but what happens when/if your feelings change?
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Yes that is the decision I must make. I have always been open handed. He has know from the very beginning about these things, child and previous marriage. He was there when my ex husband dragged me back into court so he was very much present for those realities and very supportive.

At first, when I met him we were friends and he would say how he would NEVER settle down, NEVER get married, NEVER yada yada. I was like IDK. Sounds like a hurt person. But yes in an aware that more likely than not he is NOT a forever mate.
 
Ivonnovi said:
1. OP, you are making my head hurt.

2.

He's not going to marry you, he's simply going to depreciate your (self) value. For him YOU are Ms.RightNOW; like a FWB or a rental car.
Click to expand...

Yes. I think this what it comes down to. I make him feel good about himself or fill some particular void. I know what needs to be done, but

1.) It is hard

2.) I am attached and need a swift kick to the butt.

I just not interested in actively searching for "the one" and he appeared when I was not looking. I found in him a friend and it became more to me. I would like to think more for him, but I cannot read his mine and there are things that cannot be ignored. He told me who he was. You are correct
 
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