***Random Thoughts: RELATIONSHIP FORUM***

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nicola.kirwan said:
Does this make sense? There's someone who gets an A++++ for being emotionally supportive and available and devoted. But I find myself saying, "That's nice, but I'm looking for more pragmatic things like a secure career (not necessarily a lot of money, but stable)." I know it's not an either-or, but I just feel like I'd happily take less emotional involvement for a better practical fit.

ETA: He quit a master's midway because it wasn't his passion. Then he was let go of two positions after that because the employers didn't think he was a good fit. He claimed they were micromanaging him, but also said he felt like he shouldn't have to answer for the decisions he made. :ohwell:

I'm trying to decide if this is something I can try and talk to him about or if I need to KIM. I don't believe in trying to teach or change grown men. :nono: But I've seen patience ultimately work out in other situations. Hmm..
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First of all, believe me, you want both, emotional support and security/stability. Second, IME it is very difficult to get a man to be ambitious and focused if he is not naturally. Some things are easier for a guy to change and some things are worth overlooking or compromising on. This is not one of those things. He sounds flighty to me. What will talking to him do? All he will do is either defend himself or promise to change and then continue to be who he is. I know lots of women who marry men like this and it rarely ends well for the woman. Now the men, they do them while the woman spends years fretting and worrying about every little thing from finances to their future, and being jealous of women who married more ambitious men. But that's jmho. My advice, accept him for who he is or KIM.
 
TMI IN 3...

2...
1...


I adore my bf, but his digestive track must either be on POINT or way OFF...i feel like every time he's at my apt and I turn around he's in el bano, with his iPhone to keep him busy, and he just goes....ugh. anyway, he's very careful to liberally apply the Febreeze, and I make a mental note which bathroom he used so I'll steer clear of it for at least a half hour. Gotta love 'im though.


Thanks for letting me share.

<3 bn
 
You just called to tell me that you bought us tickets to the event I've been dying to go to.

Yep, you know you've been acting like an arse lately. I love you anyway babe and I'm glad my real husband is back.


Sent from my Comet
 
ChasingBliss said:
Really, I need both. I feel that I need an emotionally involved man along with the other stuff. My FH is more like what you described wanting. He says I bring out his emotional side more. I'm glad.
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hopeful said:
First of all, believe me, you want both, emotional support and security/stability. Second, IME it is very difficult to get a man to be ambitious and focused if he is not naturally. Some things are easier for a guy to change and some things are worth overlooking or compromising on. This is not one of those things. He sounds flighty to me. What will talking to him do? All he will do is either defend himself or promise to change and then continue to be who he is. I know lots of women who marry men like this and it rarely ends well for the woman. Now the men, they do them while the woman spends years fretting and worrying about every little thing from finances to their future, and being jealous of women who married more ambitious men. But that's jmho. My advice, accept him for who he is or KIM.
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I definitely want both...I just need them to be a little more in balance. It feels a bit like he's overcompensating with romance for what he lacks in the other areas--like he's trying to win me by being overly sweet and generous with his words, while what is giving me pause has more to do with his character and life situation.
 
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LMAO Man...I know I'm not bout to get into what I think I am. We'll see.

And new prospect dude is cool; Think we'd make an okay couple, but don't see a marraige w/ us lasting. I've been trying to size those perspectives up from the very beginning. Still chillin though.
 
nicola.kirwan said:
I definitely want both...I just need them to be a little more in balance. It feels a bit like he's overcompensating for what he lacks in the education/financial area--like he's trying to win me by being overly sweet and generous with his words, while what is giving me pause has more to do with his character and life situation.
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But that is my point, perhaps he is overcompensating, but more than likely that is who he is. Some men are romantic and sweet but not very focused and ambitious. Some are focused, ambitious, and cold. Some are ambitious and sweet. Some are neither. You wanting a man who is more balanced has very little to do with who he is. Example, say he wants a super feminine woman and let's say you weren't. What does that have to do with you? He wants something you aren't, doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or that you need to change. It simply means he wants something different from you. This is something I learned after years of marriage, from personal experience and from observing others. I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to discuss differences, but if the person has something major about them that you don't like or approve of, why bother? Grown men are not clay to be molded or children to be guided and raised.

I just think people spend way too much time trying to change people. Why is it so difficult to love someone for who they are? And if they aren't what you want, why is it so hard to KIM? Time would be better served searching for a better match than hoping and wishing a person will change to meet your (general your) needs.
 
hopeful said:
But that is my point, perhaps he is overcompensating, but more than likely that is who he is. Some men are romantic and sweet but not very focused and ambitious. Some are focused, ambitious, and cold. Some are ambitious and sweet. Some are neither. You wanting a man who is more balanced has very little to do with who he is. Example, say he wants a super feminine woman and let's say you weren't. What does that have to do with you? He wants something you aren't, doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or that you need to change. It simply means he wants something different from you. This is something I learned after years of marriage, from personal experience and from observing others. I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to discuss differences, but if the person has something major about them that you don't like or approve of, why bother? Grown men are not clay to be molded or children to be guided and raised.

I just think people spend way too much time trying to change people. Why is it so difficult to love someone for who they are? And if they aren't what you want, why is it so hard to KIM? Time would be better served searching for a better match than hoping and wishing a person will change to meet your (general your) needs.
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Ah, okay, I see what you're saying. Thanks for that.

I've generally been a "You either accept someone or you don't," kind of person. I guess I'm just getting to a certain point where it's easier to doubt myself and wonder if I could work with some things. But that's not the same as just accepting the person exactly as they are. And no, I couldn't accept him as he is...maybe as boyfriend and girlfriend (maybe), but definitely not as a married couple, and that's what he's going for.
 
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nicola.kirwan said:
Ah, gotcha. Thanks for that.

I've generally been a "You either accept someone or you don't," kind of person. I guess I'm just getting to a certain point where it's easier to doubt myself and wonder if I could work with some things. But that's not the same as just accepting the person exactly as they are. And no, I couldn't accept him as he is...maybe as boyfriend and girlfriend (maybe), but definitely not as a married couple, and that's what he's going for.
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I totally understand. Relationships are complex and complicated. We want to be loved but we also want so many other things as well. Don't doubt yourself. And consider knowing what you want to be a blessing, that must be your guide. You are not asking for too much. Ambition, focus, sensitivity, emotional availability. It's not too much to ask for or want. It's just that it is not so easy to find.
 
hopeful said:
But that is my point, perhaps he is overcompensating, but more than likely that is who he is. Some men are romantic and sweet but not very focused and ambitious. Some are focused, ambitious, and cold. Some are ambitious and sweet. Some are neither. You wanting a man who is more balanced has very little to do with who he is. Example, say he wants a super feminine woman and let's say you weren't. What does that have to do with you? He wants something you aren't, doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or that you need to change. It simply means he wants something different from you. This is something I learned after years of marriage, from personal experience and from observing others. I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to discuss differences, but if the person has something major about them that you don't like or approve of, why bother? Grown men are not clay to be molded or children to be guided and raised.

I just think people spend way too much time trying to change people. Why is it so difficult to love someone for who they are? And if they aren't what you want, why is it so hard to KIM? Time would be better served searching for a better match than hoping and wishing a person will change to meet your (general your) needs.
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Goodness, hopeful, this was such a great post. I used to believe all of what you wrote here, and somehow (well, I know how), I lost sight of all of it.
SO GOOD to read this perspective again. And trying to live by it.
 
I told him I was saving myself for my husband. He asked me to marry him. :rolleyes:

I told him talk is cheap and I ain't buying.
 
CarLiTa said:
Goodness, hopeful, this was such a great post. I used to believe all of what you wrote here, and somehow (well, I know how), I lost sight of all of it.
SO GOOD to read this perspective again. And trying to live by it.
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CarLiTa said:
I also see what nicola.kirwan is saying about doubting herself.

It'll be wonderful when we're able to accept OURSELVES AND the people we meet for who we/they are.
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It can be hard to trust ourselves and believe we can have what we want. And to let those go who just aren't doing it for us. We feel judgemental, bratty even. But I have found that generally if a want is deep deep in your heart and when you bring it to God He says yes of course that's what I want for you, then you can relax.
 
hopeful said:
It can be hard to trust ourselves and believe we can have what we want. And to let those go who just aren't doing it for us. We feel judgemental, bratty even. But I have found that generally if a want is deep deep in your heart and when you bring it to God He says yes of course that's what I want for you, then you can relax.
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:yep::yep:

And to add that self-doubt, self-punishment. I am super guilty of that. Lacking trust in myself based on my previous mistakes to the point that I self-punish by purposely forbidding myself certain things.

Like, with dating, I DO think I am ready to meet someone and cultivate a relationship, but I don't trust my judgment... but what I am realizing is that in most cases where things have awry, I haven't even *used* my judgment, or I completely ignored it. I'm hiding out like a puppy with her tail between my legs, thinking that the act of hiding out is making me stronger, but when i come out of hiding, the world is still the same, dynamics are still the same, and, in a lot of ways, *I'm* still the same. And so re-begins the self-punishment. I am trying to put an end to that cycle.
 
On a positive note, 2 people have commented that I am very feminine in the past week. I am surprised and flattered that they noticed:)

One, my manager, mentioned that I always wear skirts. She wanted to know how I manage with the Boston cold.
It turns out that I prefer wearing skirts when it's cold. I only discovered this a year ago. I wear skirts and stockings or sweater tights, which gave me an added layer of warmth. I haaaate the feeling of the chilling cold running through the fabric of my pants.

I think I've really come into my style since graduating college. I wasn't very girly, but now I'm much more conscious of my femininity. For the most part, I only buy the things I like, and I've taken more care in finding items that fit well. It's nice to see that others think so as well:)
 
Was FB stalking an olllllllld ex and accidentally "liked" something on his page.


*Lawd baby*

:sad:

ETA: He sent me a text that said "I'm honored to be facebook stalked by you." Doggone right you are, wench :look:
 
InchHighPrivateEye said:
Was FB stalking an olllllllld ex and accidentally "liked" something on his page.


*Lawd baby*

:sad:

ETA: He sent me a text that said "I'm honored to be facebook stalked by you." Doggone right you are, wench :look:
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LOL. Caught! Gotta love those awkward FB moments.

Sent from my LS670 using LS670
 
Softerlove said:
Wait, what??

From MyTouch 4G...On which animated Gifs may not be seen:(
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:lol:

Trust, your confusion is nothing compared to the super side eye I gave him for asking me that question. He is in no way husband material and I did not for one second believe he was sincere with his proposal. And I'm not going to accept it.

I probably am saving myself for my husband though. :blush:
 
Hmm you're not happy, and are denying that you are in a relationship. You even erased her nice messages from your page. Damn, you are sneaky. Feel kinda bad for chick. Feel bad for you not being able to be honest. Its actually disgusting and helped me move on.

I think I will give you your Xmas gift still, for my own reasons.
 
So me and SO are in a LDR...just two hrs apart. Tomorrow we are going on vacation for 16 days. That will be the longest we've been together in one stretch. I'm excited to see him and hope we have a blast :)
 
The old Mr. Harris sent me a picture today of him at his office xmas party. What was I thinking? I just had to send him a "looking good" reply (forgive me Lord).
 
SO must want a big woman. We order pizza or Chinese almost every time he comes here and now he brought me a 1.5 lb box of chocolates.
 
I really need to learn how to flirt.
Tonight, I took a took a different route on my way home after running some errands, and I'm sitting in an empty section of the train.

There's an attractive guy standing nearby who keeps looking in my direction, but I assumed he was looking around me. Then I realize I'm the only person sitting there... so I look up at him and catch his eye a couple of times, and I'm thinking: "oh wait:look: is he making the eyes at me? He's cute!"

Then I was brainstorming how to say something and what to say:lol: I mean, I had a pretty good conversation starter, but I'm not up on that flirting stuff:ohwell: He looked at me a couple more times and I tried cracking a smile, but then his stop came very soon after. I noticed that he tried to look into the train car as he was walking out, too.

Shucks :ohwell: he was very attractive.
 
Mayn I want to call you but you should be calling me. Like you had been prior to two nights ago. Everything seems surreal...I wonder if you think I didn't like you as much as I do. I wish I didn't act this way but I don't know how to act :ohwell: Don't want to seem overly eager.
 
I had a TALK about how his words and actions are no longer adding UP - a long distance relationship is tough enough without someone getting lazy. :/
 
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