***Random Thoughts: RELATIONSHIP FORUM***

[ChasingBliss]

It actually took some time for me to actually put my foot down to myself. After dealing with the last guy I knew that a change had to come. I was raised with good standards and I felt that I compromised. It took a couple of weeks but I had to listen to my mother and not be angry at him or myself. I know just chalk it up as a lesson learned that I will not need another one in! Like you, sex and emotions go hand in hand, I cannot seperate the two and normally when I open myself up to someone in that way, its bc I really do like them. At this point anybody I encounter has to be on the same page as me.

Yes and I'm sure you know that there are those who will pretend to be. They will act like they want everything you want. So making your standards known doesnt always do it, you really have to watch a dude and how he moves and what he says making sure that everything lines up. I've been caught out there so I know how that feels.... but I learned.

 

[nychaelasymone]

I know just how good those can be.

I so want one of those...get it girl

 

[VeryBecoming]

I've been keeping a journal lately. Not just about relationship stuff but it mostly is. I always regretted not starting one during previous relationships. Now I know why I didn't. I have far too many emotions and mood swings to write them all down.

 

[Katherina]

YES to all of this!!!!

I don't play, I've never been one to entertain bs. That includes any kind of dating. Although I believe in old-fashioned "single-til-married," I ain't kickin it witchu just bc or adding to my friend repertoire--I have enough friends. I expect all or nothing. If you're not ready, don't even waste your time bc I most certainly won't allow you to waste mine. period. not up for negotiation or discussion.....

Does this mean you aren't exclusive until you're engaged? Or married? How does this work? Please explain how you manage this because it sounds like a great idea to me.

 

[CarLiTa]

Non-Relationship RT:

Guess who just became a citizen of the good ol' U.S.of.A?!! Meeeee!!!

Now this means I can travel without worrying about stupid visas and other things like that... and I can vote!... but I'm mostly excited about the travel part My siblings and I are planning a trip to the Maghreb region

Aaaand... my BFF and I have been waiting for an invitation to this exclusive party at an old-school store. We thought we wouldn't get invited after all, and somehow I decided to check my spam folder on Gmail and sure enough, there was an invite sent yesterday, for TONIGHT! We're canceling our other plans to go It's too bad that we didn't know about it sooner, bc I reeeeally wanted to find some 1920s wear... but I gotta head there right after work.

 

[curlcomplexity]

Non-Relationship RT:

Guess who just became a citizen of the good ol' U.S.of.A?!! Meeeee!!!

Now this means I can travel without worrying about stupid visas and other things like that... and I can vote!... but I'm mostly excited about the travel part My siblings and I are planning a trip to the Maghreb region

Aaaand... my BFF and I have been waiting for an invitation to this exclusive party at an old-school store. We thought we wouldn't get invited after all, and somehow I decided to check my spam folder on Gmail and sure enough, there was an invite sent yesterday, for TONIGHT! We're canceling our other plans to go It's too bad that we didn't know about it sooner, bc I reeeeally wanted to find some 1920s wear... but I gotta head there right after work.

Congrats!!!

 

[barbiesocialite]

Does this mean you aren't exclusive until you're engaged? Or married? How does this work? Please explain how you manage this because it sounds like a great idea to me.

Katherina

For me, marriage = commitment

I'm not married. My tax forms say 'single.' So until someone gets me down the aisle, my loyalties and devotion to someone is limited. I don't believe in sexing more than one person at a time and I've been in relationships most of the time since I started dating. However, no matter how much you like me or I like you, I don't owe anyone commitment unless he's my husband--someone I'm legally contracted to be committed to. It's fair game for someone to steal me away when you (a SO) start messing up. I'm not out there like that but I keep my options open. There's always someone on the backburner If a man wants my undying devotion and for me to give myself fully to him and the relationship, he has to marry me.

If you like it, you gotta put a ring on it.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

I have been hearing a lot about this multi-dating thing, and it sounds logical - even promising. I just can't muster up the courage to do it. It is technically cheating. I think I have too much pride to cheat - even if it's just emotional. I came to that realization after some soul searching. I like my good name.

Now tell me, what is it with my men's affinity with the African continent. My guy is going there to teach for 8 months. I don't want to do this. We haven't made it though our 1st year and I don't want the strain of an EXTRA-LDR. I don't want to give anyone else any more of my time without an explicit marital commitment.

 

[tinkat]

Yes and I'm sure you know that there are those who will pretend to be. They will act like they want everything you want. So making your standards known doesnt always do it, you really have to watch a dude and how he moves and what he says making sure that everything lines up. I've been caught out there so I know how that feelsbut I learned.

This is so true!

 

[SuchMagnificent]

I feel a emotional shopping spree coming on..ugh

 

[dollface0023]

Now that I've gotten over this dude, he wants to blow my phone up trying to see me.
SMH. I am not driving all the way to nobody's North Hollywood just to see someone that didnt' appreciate me when he had me.

 

[HauteHippie]

Now that I've gotten over this dude, he wants to blow my phone up trying to see me.
SMH. I am not driving all the way to nobody's North Hollywood just to see someone that didnt' appreciate me when he had me.

dollface0023

Oh, they ALWAYS come back. Always. It's so annoying. Like, "Did it really take all of that? I try while we're together, I get over you while we're apart. I'm over you." I just ignore 'em, with the exception of 2 guys. They should have been ignored.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2 using T-Mobile G2

 

[VeryBecoming]

SweetNic_JA I don't think it's cheating. If I have two dates with two different guys in a week it isn't cheating. I don't think multi-dating isn't about having multiple boyfriends. But dating multiple people until you find the one you will be in an exclusive relationship with. The people you're dating are not people you're exclusive with or committed to yet. It's more about not focusing all your energy on one person, hoping your casual dates turn into something more.

 

[Klearli]

SweetNic_JA I don't think it's cheating. If I have two dates with two different guys in a week it isn't cheating. I don't think multi-dating isn't about having multiple boyfriends. But dating multiple people until you find the one you will be in an exclusive relationship with. The people you're dating are not people you're exclusive with or committed to yet. It's more about not focusing all your energy on one person, hoping your casual dates turn into something more.

Well said. You're not cheating if you go on a few dates. just like a first date with a man doesn't make him your exclusive boyfriend. The way I see it, you're cheating yourself if you make yourself exclusive to every man who takes you out to dinner.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2 using T-Mobile G2

 

[nicole625]

I am starting to feel guilty because I found a great guy already and the divorce proceedings just started recently. I can't believe how naive I have been to think that you can control what your heart want.

 

[BGT]

I love SO so much it's ridiculous.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I have been hearing a lot about this multi-dating thing, and it sounds logical - even promising. I just can't muster up the courage to do it. It is technically cheating. I think I have too much pride to cheat - even if it's just emotional. I came to that realization after some soul searching. I like my good name.

@SweetNic_JA I don't think it's cheating. If I have two dates with two different guys in a week it isn't cheating. I don't think multi-dating isn't about having multiple boyfriends. But dating multiple people until you find the one you will be in an exclusive relationship with. The people you're dating are not people you're exclusive with or committed to yet. It's more about not focusing all your energy on one person, hoping your casual dates turn into something more.

@SweetNic_JA
@VeryBecoming

I agree, it's not cheating.


Although I've always been kinda old-fashioned about inner workings of my relationships, at this point in my life I'm not a fan of modern dating, I much prefer courtship. I also believe sexual monogamy is not the same as or equivalent to relationship commitment. IMO, there is no such thing as cheating while single and dating. That is because cheating implies the presence of commitment; since marriage = commitment to me, until a couple devotes themselves to active pursuit of this goal (keyword-active i.e. engagement with a date set) there is an absence of real commitment. Thus, there is no spiritual, emotional or physical obligation --and shouldnt be-- for either party until you reach this phase.

Simply put: women need to learn to guard their heart & minds when single. Until that husband comes along, the only commitment (emotional or physical) you should have is to G-d and yourself. If a man wants more from you he will have to give you more.....

This is just my opinion tho stemming from my strict upbringing; my SO--who is devoutly Christian--follows the same train of thought and always has as well.....



ETA: Sorta OT but relevant-This brings me to my issue with women wasting time dating the same person for years with nothing to show for it but a broken heart, tainted spirit and emotional baggage. These women usually prematurely devoted themselves and gave everything they had to that "boyfriend" in a relationship that never had direction to begin with, only to eventually find robbed of their youth and used up (be it emotionally, physically, financially, etc).

 

[Katherina]

Simply put: women need to learn to guard their heart & minds when single. Until that husband comes along, the only commitment (emotional or physical) you should have is to G-d and yourself. If a man wants more from you he will have to give you more.....

This is just my opinion tho stemming from my strict upbringing; my SO--who is devoutly Christian--follows the same train of thought and always has as well.....

I agree with both of your posts. Thanks for your input. I am curious, though, because I thought you were agnostic / atheist? If you are agnostic/ atheist, does your devout SO not mind marrying a non-believer? Of course you may correct me if I'm wrong or if it's too personal.

 

[smwrigh3]

So me and my ex were supposed to meet up today and talk about our relationship... He told me he was gonna be late b/c he had to do something for his frat. After that I knew there was nothing for us to talk about b/c nothing had changed.

He insisted that things had and he loved me. I simply said "Love is a choice. I am choosing to make a different one"

I love him but I know its not enough and I'm tired of trying to let him convince me it is.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

She's sick from something she's contracted while traveling with her boo....

 

[frostydoll]

She's sick from something she's contracted while traveling with her boo....

I can only imagine what she has

 

[barbiesocialite]

I agree with both of your posts. Thanks for your input. I am curious, though, because I thought you were agnostic / atheist? If you are agnostic/ atheist, does your devout SO not mind marrying a non-believer? Of course you may correct me if I'm wrong or if it's too personal.

@Katherina
OK long post but here goes....bc you arent the only person that's asked me this lol:


I am agnostic.

I was raised in EXTREMELY conservative Christian family and environment, and consequently, greatly influenced--and still does--many of my values as well as the basis for my understanding of relationships in general (via watching my parents, grandparents, etc). I may be agnostic but I was bred to be a Christian housewife lol My friends were raised like me too but are proud self-identifying Christians (my hs bff is a gospel singer, 2 are preachers kids, the rest are churchgoing Jesus-nazis too lol). I'm just the resident rebel.


I don't consider myself Christian bc I don't like labels. I march to the beat of my own drum. I think for myself and only apply what I think benefits my life and refuse to put myself in a box. I have a myriad beliefs that come from a wide array of spiritual sources. For relationships: I'm an advocate of traditional gender roles. I firmly believe in a lot of Judeo-Christian values for marriage, family & femininity/womanhood. My arsenal of rlp books consist primarily of Mormon, Jewish or contemporary-Christian books & authors. IME, they work for sustaining marriage and keeping families together by providing rules and structure. I attribute the Christian values my parents instilled in me as part of the reason I've always attracted quality men and been able to avoid a lot of drama/disappointment. No need to reivent the wheel.

I've known SO since hs, he doesnt consider me a non-believer (he has said this). I support his religious pursuits and know how to play the role. He also says that I sincerely follow more biblical teachings IRL than most Christian women he's encountered. Most of the women he's dated don't "walk the talk" according to him. Ex: We are celibate. Unlike the x-tian women he meets that seem to throw coochie at him (he calls it 'down for whatever') he says I'm the one thats refused to drop my drawz for him and demands courtship with the expectation of future marriage. Now he's more concerned about waiting and having a godly courtship than me! He said he's tryna keep me clean

ETA: before anyone asks, yes he does know that I used to date women. He said I made him promise to come to my gay wedding back in the day

 

[SweetNic_JA]

SweetNic_JA I don't think it's cheating. If I have two dates with two different guys in a week it isn't cheating. I don't think multi-dating isn't about having multiple boyfriends. But dating multiple people until you find the one you will be in an exclusive relationship with. The people you're dating are not people you're exclusive with or committed to yet. It's more about not focusing all your energy on one person, hoping your casual dates turn into something more.

VeryBecoming
The scenario you mentioned is perfectly fine, but I'm referring to advice I have heard that tells a woman to date multiple men up until she secures a marriage. I understand the reasoning behind it, but can't see the ethics in it.

I gave my ex a lot of years and sometimes I wish I did the multi-date thing. Now I'm afraid of making any substantial investment of time with my current SO, because of my prior experience. We're in month 6/7 so at this point if I were to introduce someone else into the picture, I don't think I would feel too good about that, and I don't think he deserves that.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I'm convinced this fool is a narcoleptic. I'm tempted to block him again from my Skype, he better not ask me why.....

ugghh my temper annoys me almost as much as his gotdamn snoring.....

 

[SweetNic_JA]

@SweetNic_JA
@VeryBecoming

I agree, it's not cheating.


Although I've always been kinda old-fashioned about inner workings of my relationships, ... robbed of their youth and used up (be it emotionally, physically, financially, etc).

I agree. This all makes sense. My definition of commitment was always based on the courtship. I think I really need a paradigm shift...because this something I'm struggling with since ending my last relationship. I do not want to give my time away to just anyone.

 

[Katherina]

barbiesocialite

Seriously, thanks for the long post. It has shed some light on one of my personal unsolved mysteries.

@ ETA girl IDGAF about that although I know some people do

 

[NaeChail]

I wish you were here. I just want to see what it'd be like to have you hold me.

Sent from my Droid Incredible

 

[CarLiTa]

I agree. This all makes sense. My definition of commitment was always based on the courtship. I think I really need a paradigm shift...because this something I'm struggling with since ending my last relationship. I do not want to give my time away to just anyone.

Wow, SweetNic_JA, that is exactly how I'm feeling... Not wanting to give my time away to just anyone, to the point that, at the moment, I share it with no one.
I'm struggling w the paradigm shift too... Especially as it relates to assessing men through courtship, what that looks like in the first place, and how to bypass modern dating patterns.

Sent from my PC36100 using PC36100

 

[SweetNic_JA]

Wow, SweetNic_JA, that is exactly how I'm feeling... Not wanting to give my time away to just anyone, to the point that, at the moment, I share it with no one.
I'm struggling w the paradigm shift too... Especially as it relates to assessing men through courtship, what that looks like in the first place, and how to bypass modern dating patterns.

Sent from my PC36100 using PC36100

CarLiTa
I can totally understand the bolded. I'm on a fast track to marriage and kids so I only stayed out of the dating game for a few months after I broke it off with my ex, otherwise I probably would not have entered any relationship.

Current SO is talking marriage, but there are a lot of things for me to consider. Especially since he's leaving for so many months. Is this courtship worth that wait? Decisions decisions...

 

[Skyfall]

I think I met my future husband...