Open Relationships

Would you participate in an open relationship?

  • Yes...but only if it's mutual

    Votes: 7 7.4%

  • NO...over my dead body

    Votes: 69 73.4%

  • Maybe?

    Votes: 18 19.1%
  • Total voters
    94
barbiesocialite said:
I don't see a problem with this. However, I don't think it's wise for a woman to agree to a one sided arrangement. At the same time, not all women truly desire to cheat, explore their options, etc.

Hey whatever works.
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I'm talking to someone right now that I really like. We have great chemistry on all levels. Been talking for about 7-8 months now. I am not interested in being in a committed relationship though, so of course, he is. It's not because I am interested in other men, I just don't feel like dealing with expectations of my time and effort that will inevitably accompany being locked down. I just want to enjoy my time with this man and then send him on his way back to his house. I don't want us to move in together (I don't believe in that) nor work towards marriage, but I want him in my life because I truly value his friendship.

He always says stuff like"you are such a dude". Maybe this is "dude like" behavior, but it's kind of common with other 40+ divorced, done having kids women. You tend to look at men through a different lens.

But I guess my situation isn't an open relationship in the way you guys are talking (probably more FWB), so I'll fall back.
 
How do you all feel about Polyamory? I saw a few episodes of the Showtime docuseries Polyamory: Married & Dating, and it seems that no matter how "cool with it" people claim to be... jealousy plays a major role. I stopped watching it because the gratuitous sex scenes started getting more and more ridiculous. However, overall, it's an interesting show.
 
I don't think I could do it but I respect folks who can and find nothing wrong with it.
To the contrary, folks in open relationships could have very high esteem. It would take a lot of inner strength to manage all the emotions that come up in a relationship with multiple people (demanding of what you want, courage, confidence). The easiest thing to do is to accept social norms and use morality to enforce it and make it wrong or judge it. The one with low self esteem is the one who marries the loser and stays there.
I read up on these relationships and find them fascinating and the participants seem liberated (from what?). I also listen to the podcast 'Sex with Tristan Taormino' who some times discusses great topics about the intersection of love and sex. These open relationships have their own issues though. Most people operate under selfish love IMO. Open relationships aren't saddled with the same insecurities and fears that 'normal' relationships have or at least their perspective or how they manage those emotions are different.
I'm happily saddled with fears and insecurities, so I stick to 1 lol
 
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Hmm.. I would under certain circumstances. I can think of a couple. If it was a serious May/December romance where I married for money. I'd have someone much hotter and energetic on the side. Old man would have to deal with it. Or, if I was a part of a family that required a certain type of spouse. Think of a Charles and Diana situation at first. If I married for love and he got sick and couldn't perform, I would request some openness.
 
I don't think all open relationships are created equally and there's some legit reasons why folks would agree to it. That's why I can't chalk it up entirely to self esteem. I am entirely too possessive and too much of a hypochondriac to be in an open relationship. That said I've seen some set ups that work but there is an element of risk that I'm not comfortable with.

The 'safest' form of open relationships is probably agreeing to go the swinger route where it's couple on couple because each side has a built in emotional back up to work against folks catching feelings. I used to think this was creepy but swingers who maintain long term relationships usually have a very high level of maturity and are natural compartmentalizers.

I know women who have no desire to have sex with their husbands (usually after pregnancy/menopause or sometimes dude just can't fk worth a damn) and they have blessed dudes getting outside relief as long as it's not in their faces. The problem with this as I see it is you're setting yourself up to be replaced.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I don't think all open relationships are created equally and there's some legit reasons why folks would agree to it. That's why I can't chalk it up entirely to self esteem. I am entirely too possessive and too much of a hypochondriac to be in an open relationship. That said I've seen some set ups that work but there is an element of risk that I'm not comfortable with.

The 'safest' form of open relationships is probably agreeing to go the swinger route where it's couple on couple because each side has a built in emotional back up to work against folks catching feelings. I used to think this was creepy but swingers who maintain long term relationships usually have a very high level of maturity and are natural compartmentalizers.

I know women who have no desire to have sex with their husbands (usually after pregnancy/menopause or sometimes dude just can't fk worth a damn) and they have blessed dudes getting outside relief as long as it's not in their faces. The problem with this as I see it is you're setting yourself up to be replaced.
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Replaced how? Not necessarily.
We are all replaceable though whether we know it or not.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I don't think all open relationships are created equally and there's some legit reasons why folks would agree to it. That's why I can't chalk it up entirely to self esteem. I am entirely too possessive and too much of a hypochondriac to be in an open relationship. That said I've seen some set ups that work but there is an element of risk that I'm not comfortable with.

The 'safest' form of open relationships is probably agreeing to go the swinger route where it's couple on couple because each side has a built in emotional back up to work against folks catching feelings. I used to think this was creepy but swingers who maintain long term relationships usually have a very high level of maturity and are natural compartmentalizers.

I know women who have no desire to have sex with their husbands (usually after pregnancy/menopause or sometimes dude just can't fk worth a damn) and they have blessed dudes getting outside relief as long as it's not in their faces. The problem with this as I see it is you're setting yourself up to be replaced.
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Do you know any who've actually been replaced in that specific manner?
 
barbiesocialite said:
I agree with this too.

Cheating turns into an open relationship when the other party knows but decides to stay in the current relationship.
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To me the difference would be can I tell guy A that I'm going to chill with person X and not hide it from him? If the answer is yes then it's open, if no, shady. simple. You can know something and it still not be talked about and hidden (see no evil and pretend it's not real lol). The elephant in the room.
Is it tacit approval of the act? I guess you can argue it in court. But we all know emotions ain't logic no matter how much we may THINK it is, there's always an emotional delay lol
 
There was that polyamory blog that i learned about here on LHCF

when last i read it, the wife had a boyfriend, and the husband a girlfriend. Seemed to me like the husband was all in love with the girlfriend, and tolerated the wife. The wife seemed to be in love with husband and had a boyfriend only because husband had a girlfriend.

i wish i could remember the link or name of that blog to see how they're doing now
 
CaraWalker said:
there is definitely a less practical/"materialistic" vibe about relationships in this thread which is weird... aint we getting older now? :lachen:

becoming more romantic instead of less as you age is the wave now?
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I can only speak for myself. Age + lack of anonymity somewhat forces me to filter. I really want to state my ratchet opinions but I can't get away with it like I used to. Growing up is horrible im exactly the same but circumstamce makes it so I can't publicly be myself like I used to. I want to turn up and troll the hell out of my own thread. :lol:
 
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Fine 4s said:
Replaced how? Not necessarily.
We are all replaceable though whether we know it or not.
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Of course we're all replaceable but that doesn't mean you volunteer to make yourself obsolete. Men have a type and I would assume that my husband would pick a woman who is similar in personality/temperament to me and that's the most dangerous thing in the world because I KNOW I'd be looking from the outside scheming my way into a permanent situation. If I were to go that route I'd have to approve the chick in advance so I could get a feel for whether she's smart enough to be a threat.

Chess not Checkers.

barbiesocialite said:
Do you know any who've actually been replaced in that specific manner?
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No but I've heard about the drama that ensued. 9 times out of 10 dudes break off sex only relationships in the most indignant ways and it usually leads to messiness.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
Of course we're all replaceable but that doesn't mean you volunteer to make yourself obsolete. Men have a type and I would assume that my husband would pick a woman who is similar in personality/temperament to me and that's the most dangerous thing in the world because I KNOW I'd be looking from the outside scheming my way into a permanent situation. If I were to go that route I'd have to approve the chick in advance so I could get a feel for whether she's smart enough to be a threat.

Chess not Checkers.


No but I've heard about the drama that ensued. 9 times out of 10 dudes break off sex only relationships in the most indignant ways and it usually leads to messiness.
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See I'm a risk taker right.....

At the same time, I'm not a gambler.

Odds must always be in my favor. To me there's a dfference between reality and fear. People have their spouses stolen all the time, but there are usually common linking elements. Now when certain pops boil down to women just being paranoid with little actual reason to be worried I have to take a step back next say "hmmmmm"....maybe....
 
SmileyNY said:
How do you all feel about Polyamory? I saw a few episodes of the Showtime docuseries Polyamory: Married & Dating, and it seems that no matter how "cool with it" people claim to be... jealousy plays a major role. I stopped watching it because the gratuitous sex scenes started getting more and more ridiculous. However, overall, it's an interesting show.
Click to expand...


not for me ever.
 
barbiesocialite said:
See I'm a risk taker right.....

At the same time, I'm not a gambler.

Odds must always be in my favor. To me there's a dfference between reality and fear. People have their spouses stolen all the time, but there are usually common linking elements. Now when certain pops boil down to women just being paranoid with little actual reason to be worried I have to take a step back next say "hmmmmm"....maybe....
Click to expand...
this is how you should make choices though.

my sister refuses to understand the difference between "possible" and "probable"
 
SmileyNY said:
How do you all feel about Polyamory? I saw a few episodes of the Showtime docuseries Polyamory: Married & Dating, and it seems that no matter how "cool with it" people claim to be... jealousy plays a major role. I stopped watching it because the gratuitous sex scenes started getting more and more ridiculous. However, overall, it's an interesting show.
Click to expand...


A threesome, sure. Polyamory? Nah.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
Of course we're all replaceable but that doesn't mean you volunteer to make yourself obsolete. Men have a type and I would assume that my husband would pick a woman who is similar in personality/temperament to me and that's the most dangerous thing in the world because I KNOW I'd be looking from the outside scheming my way into a permanent situation. If I were to go that route I'd have to approve the chick in advance so I could get a feel for whether she's smart enough to be a threat.

Chess not Checkers.


No but I've heard about the drama that ensued. 9 times out of 10 dudes break off sex only relationships in the most indignant ways and it usually leads to messiness.
Click to expand...

I disagree. You might pick someone that fits a particular need and it stops there. Just like up-thread folks talked about that man to pay the bills or take you to eat etc. But I get what you're saying but it's not always the case and to assume so would be less than accurate. He might want someone completely different from you! How often have we been surprised by the choice a guy made either after you or during? It's about interest and those change. Some call it 'flavah' lol
What we call a threat is called something different with the polys. They are just different and brave IMO smh

ETA: What we think are our 'types' can also be misleading. I wouldn't make the mistake to say someone is not X's type and therefore not a thread. Been surprised too many time.
 
ambergirl said:
Used to be a lot of people on this board had a very materialistic notion of marriage. It was about what things marriage got you (house, money, stability, status, security, kids) and less about the man himself. Not sure if that's still true.
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CaraWalker said:
there is definitely a less practical/"materialistic" vibe about relationships in this thread which is weird... aint we getting older now? :lachen:

becoming more romantic instead of less as you age is the wave now?
Click to expand...

I'm pretty sure this is due to women becoming more independent now and specifically black women doing better than our counterparts. I'll use myself for example - I'm doing pretty well so I don't exactly need a man for those things. Things like loyalty, faithfulness, honesty, etc. are starting to become more important to me (his character).
 
CaraWalker said:
becoming more romantic instead of less as you age is the wave now?
Click to expand...
I'm a late bloomer and didn't realize romance was a legit option. As far as I was concerned that **** was just stuff folks put in books with Fabio on the cover.
barbiesocialite said:
See I'm a risk taker right.....

At the same time, I'm not a gambler.

Odds must always be in my favor. To me there's a dfference between reality and fear. People have their spouses stolen all the time, but there are usually common linking elements. Now when certain pops boil down to women just being paranoid with little actual reason to be worried I have to take a step back next say "hmmmmm"....maybe....
Click to expand...

That's why I presented the option of swinging vs having your man out cruising for ussy. It's too many things that can go wrong with a dude tracking through a revolving door of vagina with emotions attached. Lots of women claim to be just about the sex up until the point they are busting out windows cuz dude won't leave his wife.

I'm not really down with any of this but I stay listening to chicks spilling tea in my Knit and Kvetch group.
 
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