Open Relationships Anyone?

[locabouthair]

forget what i said before. i agree with dlewis and shimmie. kick him to the curb. dont waste precious years of your life on someone who isn't worth it. (think about kim porter)

 

[MzLady78]

I agree - there needs to be spin off thread on open relationships.

I'm very selfish with my husband, I love knowing that we are intimate with only each other. I love knowing that his body is for my enjoyment only but it's not just sex. I would not want a third or forth party in my marriage. I think I would feel like I was given a bad deal.

I know when you agree to it it's different and it's not for everyone.

Cichelle, thank you for being open with us about your relationship.

Yes, thank you!

I'm not passing judgement on those who are in them at all. I'm just really interested to know why go as far as getting married if you want to be with other people?

 

[Shimmie]

an open relationship means that you will still remain with your SO but you are both open to have relations with other people. Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis were married long term and tried an open relationship during their marriage::
Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee on Open Marriage

From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Your Guide to Marriage.

Here are some quote about open marriage from Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis whose thoughts about open marriage changed over time.

1. Ossie: "It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it -- that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished -- as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease. We had to be discreet and, if the word can be apt, honorable in our behavior, both to ourselves, to whomever else might be involved, and most of all, to the family. And for the most part, we were." Source: joint biography, page 317

Ossie: "But looking back, I'd say no matter what did or did not happen, we freed each other. And in doing that, we also freed ourselves...Sex is fine, but love is better. That's the most important part of being free.

In light of what we learned, is extramarital sex something we recommend as a regular part of marriage? Not now...not anymore. Not since AIDS has entered the equation, and genital herpes, syphilis, and other veneral diseases..." Source: joint biography, 323-324

Ruby: "But, we both came to realize that we were very fortunate that, in all of the deep profound, fundamental ways, we really, really only wanted each other. It was like a rediscovery of something from the beginning. It's not something that you'd recommend to everybody. But often Ossie has said - and I've though too - the best way to have somebody is to let it go. If it doesn't come back you are free in another kind of sense - in that you find the strength to let go and wish somebody well. So, we thought an open marriage was appropriate for us but it turned out not to be. But then that's what we're all about, we are moving from one position to another in the process of trying to unravel this thing call life." Source: Broadway to Vegas

I'm glad they had sense enough to realize it was wrong and they put it to an end. It is only by the grace of God that they were protected from such a stupid decison.

Marriage is commitment to one person and one only and not just for moral reasons. Our bodies were not created to be shared with multiple partners. The Sexually transmitted diseases are part of the proof. The rest is simply pure destruction of what marriage is about. We cannot make up our own rules; consequences do follow. Doesn't matter who agrees or disagrees, the consequences will still show up and speak for themselves and shut up everyone who disputed. Read the papers...scandel, family ruins, career ruins, financial losses. Total chaios.

Ossie and Ruby still had to do this on the D/L.... nono: Sad/Shame) As much as I like them, this will always be something to show me and my children that even those we look up to can make stupid mistakes and take stupid risks, which also lead others lives to destruction. I can't help but wonder, whose life was 'messed' up with whom they had an affair. You can't have sex without some sort of emotional connection; especially with women.

Why get married if you have a need/desire for someone else? Just stay single and be a fool.

We need more positive Black examples.

 

[ambergirl]

IMO I think the term "open relationship" is an oxymoron. If things are that open you're really not in a relationship. What's he's saying is that he's not sure what he wants from you (probably nothing serious but he doesn't want to let you go just in case other things don't work out). I hate to say it but this is classic "he's just not that in to you" behavior.

I had a dude try to pull this on me as well and that was definitely the case. It hurt my feelings to know that he wasn't that in to me, but in the long-run ending it saved me a lot of grief.

 

[MzLady78]

I'm glad they had sense enough to realize it was wrong and they put it to an end. It is only by the grace of God that they were protected from such a stupid decison.

Marriage is commitment to one person and one only and not just for moral reasons. Our bodies were not created to be shared with multiple partners. The Sexually transmitted diseases are part of the proof. The rest is simply pure destruction of what marriage is about. We cannot make up our own rules; consequences do follow. Doesn't matter who agrees or disagrees, the consequences will still show up and speak for themselves and shut up everyone who disputed. Read the papers...scandel, family ruins, career ruins, financial losses. Total chaios.

Ossie and Ruby still had to do this on the D/L.... nono: Sad/Shame) As much as I like them, this will always be something to show me and my children that even those we look up to can make stupid mistakes and take stupid risks, which also lead others lives to destruction. I can't help but wonder, whose life was 'messed' up with whom they had an affair. You can't have sex without some sort of emotional connection; especially with women.

Why get married if you have a need/desire for someone else? Just stay single and be a fool.

We need more positive Black examples.

I feel you on all but the bolded. It's entirely possible.

More women than people think can have sex with no attachment. I think it's just not put out there as much because of the double standard and fear of being labeled a "ho" or some other derogatory name. Women are not encouraged to be comfortable with their sexuality.

 

[Finesse]

I feel you on all but the bolded. It's entirely possible.

More women than people think can have sex with no attachment. I think it's just not put out there as much because of the double standard and fear of being labeled a "ho" or some other derogatory name. Women are not encouraged to be comfortable with their sexuality.

ITA.....with this post

 

[klb120475]

I luv this quote by Nicki6:

"Never make someone a priority that treats you like an option".

 

[Shimmie]

I luv this quote by Nicki6:

"Never make someone a priority that treats you like an option".

Whoa....EXCELLENT! I love that!

And it's so true. You can't give your all to more than one person. If I give my body to another man other than my husband, then I'm stealing from him something precious that should be his. And Visa Versa...with me. What he shares with another woman is stealing from me.

Gee whiz, not even a graham cracker crumb can he give to someone else. I can use that for pie crust.

I am not an option.

(softly spoken in love) ..."I'm his wife" whom he shall adore me as such and I adore him all the more.

Disclaimer: I'm attacking the 'issue' not anyone personally. Is anything sacred anymore?

 

[lovemyhair]

Thanks Ladies for all the love and thoughts! You all really helped me put things into perspective. I love the statement about being an option. I don't want to be an option and I will not be! As much as he is trying to play the buddy game now, I know better than to fall into it. He wants to remain good friends if I chose to not reconcile (I have already chosen no reconciliation). I just will never see him the same way again and can't put my mind around possibly hanging with this person on a friendship level.

Again, thanks for the love!

 

[deltagyrl]

RUN, FORREST, RUN!!







But seriously, he doesn't sound like the one for you. Move on and allow someone to love you like you deserve to be loved...

 

[deltagyrl]

IMO I think the term "open relationship" is an oxymoron. If things are that open you're really not in a relationship. What's he's saying is that he's not sure what he wants from you (probably nothing serious but he doesn't want to let you go just in case other things don't work out). I hate to say it but this is classic "he's just not that in to you" behavior.

I had a dude try to pull this on me as well and that was definitely the case. It hurt my feelings to know that he wasn't that in to me, but in the long-run ending it saved me a lot of grief.

OT- Congrats on your weight loss!

 

[MissScarlett]

I always thought an open relationship was just code for we're not committed and I'm going to sleep with other people. In that case, you're just 'friend' or friends with benefits.

Its not acceptable to me. At least he's willing to say it to your face instead of creeping around and making you think you were committed, when you're obviously not.

ETA: I went back and read the thread. I could sort of see Ossie and Ruby's logic. "The freed each other"......I get that. Its not for me but hey do you.

 

[Shimmie]

Thanks Ladies for all the love and thoughts! You all really helped me put things into perspective. I love the statement about being an option. I don't want to be an option and I will not be! As much as he is trying to play the buddy game now, I know better than to fall into it. He wants to remain good friends if I chose to not reconcile (I have already chosen no reconciliation). I just will never see him the same way again and can't put my mind around possibly hanging with this person on a friendship level.

Again, thanks for the love!

Many of us have "been there", angel. I know I have and don't ever plan to go back. And neither will you have that worry.

If he wants this cake, he can't mix the ingredients of others; its ALL of my ingredients *alone* that come with the package; and he can't have the batter left in the bowl or on the spoon either unless its only me.

I'm a rich butter pound cake; he has to take all of me. If he's a real man, he can handle it.

Disclaimer: That was a 'clean' statement from my cooking class 101.

 

[Monilove122]

OMG- so was I!!!

I don't know- I just don't see the point of being married if you're gonna have an open marriage.

Girl, you hit it RIGHT ON THE HEAD!!! Why get married if you want to still be with other people. That's why I don't get cheating. Just tell the person it isn't working for you and bounce. I've never cheated and never will, if you are honest, it's pointless!!

 

[Shimmie]

I feel you on all but the bolded. It's entirely possible.

More women than people think can have sex with no attachment. I think it's just not put out there as much because of the double standard and fear of being labeled a "ho" or some other derogatory name. Women are not encouraged to be comfortable with their sexuality.

You're right about that angel, there are women who are detached. AND there are many, many men who are 'attached.'

Scarey though: A Woman without heart...ice still melts; meaning a woman still feels something sooner or later.

 

[jturner7156]

Ladies,

What hurts the most is the fact that he wasn't honest in the beginning. If I would have known in the beginning, I would not have been so into him or devoted my time or nurtured the relationship. I would not have been planning for the future and trying to build a foundation. I am so hurt! Now, it appears to me that he is happy and I am not happy because of it. So, the bottom line is that I obviously didn't make him happy! Or am I convincing myself that I didn't? He wants to kick it with me still and gives me full access to his house/friends and family. The only thing is that I would know that we are not committed. This is so bizarre??? WTH? He looked at me straight in my eyes and said that he loved me and still wants to be with me but they have to be on his terms. I have been fooled and will never look at another man the same way. I gave him too much credit and trusted him big time. He says alot of couples are in open relationships. I answered him by saying most of the time, only one person knows about it. He says I should be grateful that he is being honest. Yes, cause he confessed, but it doesn't take away from the fact that he lied!

Honestly, I think this is technically called "having his cake and eating too", but if your strong enough to handle it, (but I know I personally could not)because I hate constant comparisons and competition with another woman)...then each to their own

 

[Monilove122]

I feel you on all but the bolded. It's entirely possible.

More women than people think can have sex with no attachment. I think it's just not put out there as much because of the double standard and fear of being labeled a "ho" or some other derogatory name. Women are not encouraged to be comfortable with their sexuality.

I agree 100%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've done it in the past and so do women I know. I don't understand when people say stuff like women always get emotionally attached, I only got emotionally attached with someone who I chose to have that attachment to. I mean of course you don't go out all willy nilly screwing everybody and at this point in my life I'm chilling PERIOD but I could today have sex with someone and have absolutely NO ties to them in the least. I don't understand people who can't, LOL. I got tired of hearing about family/friends getting all caught up with a guy where the sex was great and it makes them lose judgement. I'm like WITW.

 

[1QTPie]

I am in sort of a dilemma and need some advice.

I have been dating this guy for about 1 year now. He is really fun and we have had alot of good times together. Recently, I found out that he was creeping with another chick(s) and he confessed and asked that we remain together but this time it would be an open relationship. He says he loves me but can't commit now because there is too much involved. He says it's a benefit for the both of us. Putting aside the fact that he cheated and we had a mutual agreement in the beginning that we would be exclusive, this is so bizarre to me. I am hurting and still want to be with him cause he adds excitement to my life. I adore this man but it's obvious to me that he doesn't feel the same. Am I wrong? Do you think an open relationship is a normal thing? I was in a marriage for 14 years and didn't date anyone prior to being married. So the dating thing is all new to me. Am I missing something? Are open relationships the norm now? I feel like I’ve been played big time. He says he loves me but this is the way it has to be if I want to be with him.

Confused

He lied to you. He should have told you that he wanted to see other people. Open relationships only work when both parties are ok and upfront.

If YOU are looking for a committed relationship. Don't compromise just because you may want to be with him. Accept what he has told you as a word of the relationship being over and move on. Don't try to understand the male brain, you will only hurt yourself.

Sorry it happened to you, it happens to the best of us. You can do better I am sure.

 

[hothair]

I am in sort of a dilemma and need some advice.

I have been dating this guy for about 1 year now. He is really fun and we have had alot of good times together. Recently, I found out that he was creeping with another chick(s) and he confessed and asked that we remain together but this time it would be an open relationship. He says he loves me but can't commit now because there is too much involved. He says it's a benefit for the both of us. Putting aside the fact that he cheated and we had a mutual agreement in the beginning that we would be exclusive, this is so bizarre to me. I am hurting and still want to be with him cause he adds excitement to my life. I adore this man but it's obvious to me that he doesn't feel the same. Am I wrong? Do you think an open relationship is a normal thing? I was in a marriage for 14 years and didn't date anyone prior to being married. So the dating thing is all new to me. Am I missing something? Are open relationships the norm now? I feel like I’ve been played big time. He says he loves me but this is the way it has to be if I want to be with him.

Confused

To your questions No, No, No No. Your perception of what kind of relationship you want is right- obviously he has a different idea which works out to his benefit. Either one, forget about him. Or beat him at his own game [u may get hurt] tell him he's right- there's someone you like and want to date but u like his company but like he said he's NOT relationship material so u don't mind kicking it as friends while u pursue this other relationship - if it doesn't work out u'll take up where u left off. DON'T CALL/ EMAIL/PAIGE/ VOICEMAIL HIM. LEAVE HIM ALONE. If he comes back it should be on your terms [just think about if you can trust him]

 

[Monilove122]

You're right about that angel, there are women who are detached. AND there are many, many men who are 'attached.'

Scarey though: A Woman without heart...ice still melts; meaning a woman still feels something sooner or later.

See, I don't think that is the case (generally speaking of course) since more women than you think view sex as an act it's the person who makes the difference. For women who think this way, if the person is not someone they love than where are the feelings coming in? I know that all women aren't like this of course but there are LARGE number who are.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

If he wants this cake, he can't mix the ingredients of others; its ALL of my ingredients *alone* that come with the package; and he can't have the batter left in the bowl or on the spoon either unless its only me.

I'm a rich butter pound cake; he has to take all of me. If he's a real man, he can handle it.

I absolutely love this analogy, Shimmie. Shoot, I'm a rich butter pound cake too. That does sound really good right now....

 

[Shimmie]

I absolutely love this analogy, Shimmie. Shoot, I'm a rich butter pound cake too. That does sound really good right now....

My grand dad make some good pound cakes. I think that's why I thought of the analogy. OR maybe --- I just wanted some cake...

((( Hugs to you too angel )))

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

I am in sort of a dilemma and need some advice.

I have been dating this guy for about 1 year now. He is really fun and we have had alot of good times together. Recently, I found out that he was creeping with another chick(s) and he confessed and asked that we remain together but this time it would be an open relationship. He says he loves me but can't commit now because there is too much involved. He says it's a benefit for the both of us. Putting aside the fact that he cheated and we had a mutual agreement in the beginning that we would be exclusive, this is so bizarre to me. I am hurting and still want to be with him cause he adds excitement to my life. I adore this man but it's obvious to me that he doesn't feel the same. Am I wrong? nope you nipped that right in the bud, he doesn't feel the same way about you or else he would have respected you more and not have cheated. If you said the relationship was going to be exclusive and he stepped out...umm that's cheating....Do you think an open relationship is a normal thing? I don't believe its normal but I feel that is its stated up front that you want to openly date others and maybe see where your relationship is going then that is fine if both parties agree...just taking that initiative yourself and not consulting the other party is just wrong... I was in a marriage for 14 years and didn't date anyone prior to being married. So the dating thing is all new to me. Am I missing something? Are open relationships the norm now? I feel like I’ve been played big time. He says he loves me but this is the way it has to be if I want to be with him.

Confused

If you want something better you have not settle for something less than that. If this don't feel right to you, it don't sound right to me, then you let it go and move on. I don't believe that this man is looking out for you and I know his feelings aren't the same. Its sad but I would have to get me a replacement....

 

[Integrity]

I am feeling the 'at least he told you' because yeah he only told you when you caught him, then he was forced to confess!

You will meet the one who deserves you, just be patient. I am really sorry but I know you will be really happy real soon with your soul mate.

 

[lovemyhair]

Thanks for all your support! I am realizing now how much he lied to me. I never picked up on the subtle clues! I will get over it. I am also making a point to stay away from the hangout spots that we used to go to alot. He wants to be friends now and asked that i put in a reciept for reim thru my job for him since they reim for new computers up to $4000. I was like hell no! He says there is no reason to be mean and we can be cordial towards each other. It's so bizarre to me how nice he seems now and how he doesn't want to break ties even though we are no longer dating. I don't want to be his friend now. I sort of miss the fun, but I can't imagine being near him at a party and he is with another victim. I don't think I could handle it.

 

[cocoberry10]

I am in sort of a dilemma and need some advice.

I have been dating this guy for about 1 year now. He is really fun and we have had alot of good times together. Recently, I found out that he was creeping with another chick(s) and he confessed and asked that we remain together but this time it would be an open relationship. He says he loves me but can't commit now because there is too much involved. He says it's a benefit for the both of us. Putting aside the fact that he cheated and we had a mutual agreement in the beginning that we would be exclusive, this is so bizarre to me. I am hurting and still want to be with him cause he adds excitement to my life. I adore this man but it's obvious to me that he doesn't feel the same. Am I wrong? Do you think an open relationship is a normal thing? I was in a marriage for 14 years and didn't date anyone prior to being married. So the dating thing is all new to me. Am I missing something? Are open relationships the norm now? I feel like I’ve been played big time. He says he loves me but this is the way it has to be if I want to be with him.

Confused

Although I don't think I could do this personally, I think it's okay only if you are both okay with it. It doesn't sound like you are okay with this. I think you have to decide whether you are okay with this or not, and then proceed.