I don't understand open relationships....

[C@ssandr@]

I agree with you. But what I find interesting is that when we talk about open marriages/relationships we focus on wanting sex outside of the relationship rather than why people would want to be in a committed relationship if they want outside partners in the first place.

To me, it's not just about figuring out who you are. It's about wanting to do that within the security of a partnership. If you're not clear what you want you don't have to get married to find that out. Trust, most people who find out their gay 10 years into a marriage had a pretty good idea who they were before they got married.

I think we need to recognize the many types of relationships that exist in the first place. Some people love having a "side kick" or "road dog". It's like friends with benefits...you guys are mad cool, and are intimate with each other. People who are in relationships like these come off a bit more genuine. Because in a true friendship people aren't afraid of losing their partner to other friends. Why should it be any different with the person you've committed to? People use marriage as a yoke . They think signing papers makes what they feel official...even though humans change their minds regularly about every other aspect in life .
Your partner will never be able to meet all of your needs, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be with them...or else we'd all be alone and unsatisfied. Science suggests that 'pair bonding' is all about mating...having babies...thats it!...But they haven't proved anything about "committed relationships". There we go trying to mix biology with sociology! It just won't mix

This is why some of us can swang and some of us can't. Either way, the choice doesn't seem to lie in our DNA.


As far as people coming out of the closet wayyyy into being married and having children...I'm sure there was an inkling. The problem is that just a generation or 2 ago, people didn't even ponder these things as much as we're "allowed" to now. Social change is showing us that yes, you don't have to marry in order to keep your farm, or extend your legacy, or other superficial survival tactics, lol.

I am so sorry about the long post. I am very passionate about Sociology (with hopes of getting my PHD )...I add this disclaimer under every post in Relationship Topics

 

[C@ssandr@]

My connection with my husband goes beyond sex. I don't form bonds like that with outside partners. That's why we are in a committed relationship.

This is partly what I was trying to convey .

 

[UrbainChic]

I am not in an open relationship, never have been, and do not think I am capable of being happy in one BUT I know people who are in or have had open relationships and understand the concept very well.

If you look at the origins of marriage, going back thousands of years, the original purpose was really strengthening familial and tribal bonds, pooling of resources, and a secure structure for the raising of children. You were considered lucky if your husband was kind, and it was expected that you learn to love him. Women were unable to go to school, or support themselves. It was really a social contract. It is really only in recent history, ie the past 100-150 years or so ( n Western culture anyhow) where the romance and love come first. Biologically, or psychologically, that kind of love typically is strong enough to wether the cycle of birthing and raising a child into their early years, after a few more years the love changes, into a deeper love, not the dizzying heart pounding of infatuation.

Also important is the fact that we are biologically wired for more than one partner, meaning we are attracted to more than one human in life, and can mate with more than one human in life (remember your first kiss or first boyfriend? what if you were only able to be with him for the rest of your life because you BIOLOGICALLY could not ever find another person attractive? Where is that first kiss now?).

For me the reason people fail at monogamy (cheat) is clear, they are fighting a natural urge. To me, fighting that natural urge is what actually makes monogamy so romantic. To me its saying "I love you so much, I am willing to go against my own natural instincts to be with you" That said not everyone sees it as such, many see it as confining, unrealistic, setting yourself up for failure etc. ( I actually think admitting how difficult it actually is is probably helpful in keeping monogamy intact, because it allows the couple to candidly speak to one another about their feelings of weakness regarding keeping their promise to each other without fear of attack)

Some people find it fine to give a pass for that sexual attraction and leaving the love, commitment to building a life together and mutual respect to be sacred. By being honest about the attraction to others, and being allowed to indulge in sexual variety, that basic biological part of oneself can be satisfied, while the love and commitment is more sacred and exclusive. Not the biological part of ourselves.

Despite understanding all of this, and knowing people who have successful long term open relationships, I know myself and see my own limitations, and understand I am a product of my society. Just as I can intellectualize that sex and love are separate things that can go together but do not always go together, it is the same with the heart and the mind. My mind understands these bonds, but my heart would not. If you think about our society and how we are socialized, cheating is usually perceived or acted out as a rejection of the partner who is being cheated on. Think about it for a moment. Even if you don't personally agree, I am sure you have seen, or heard statements that affirm that the act of cheating indicates the partner is rejected by the cheater, and not respected by the cheater. In addition, as independent and smart and funny and brilliant as all of us may be, the truth is that a lot of our self worth as women has to do with feeling beautiful and attractive (generalized attractive not necessarily physical). When you are told or perceive you are rejected, it often takes a lot of pep-talks from either yourself or a friend about how great you are, and that he is missing out and you were wrongly rejected for you are worthy.

I personally am incapable of de-coupling the concept of my boyfriend or spouse with another woman and rejection. There is a part of me that would always see it as a rejection, and I don't think it would be good on my self esteem. This is why I know I could not be happy in such a relationship. I have no judgement against anyone who does or does not engage in an open relationship, but I do feel sorry for those who do not know themselves, and cause themselves unnecessary heartache. My mind says it makes perfect sense, but my heart, my conditioning says I cannot handle it.

 

[ambergirl]

I hear what people are saying but I think the issue is more psychological then biological or sociological. I've been in very long term relationships and never had a biological "urge" to cheat even though I met men I found very attractive. I didn't feel bound to my relationship because of societal ruels. When those relationships ended it was because one or both of us felt our emotional or relationship needs could be best met elsewhere.

What I hear from the few people I know in open relationships it sounds like what they're looking for outside of their primary relationships isn't about the sex, it's about meeting some psychological need.

It's not a bad thing, but I think perpetuating the belief that people are hard wired one way or the other or restricted because of societal rules is just a way to deflect away from the fact that for most people thse are individual choices they're making because of their own psychological make up.