Only dating people who are raised in a two-parent home

[Zaynab]

I've heard someone imply that men who were raised in a single parent home have it "worse" than women who were raised the same? Do you ladies feel like that?

And once again, I dont see anyone here putting down marriage. I wish I grew up to see an example of positive marriage (I do believe it's way more than just a piece of paper) and I do want to be married one day. But I guess because my mother raised me, that might not happen.

I think so and that's because as a husband/father a man is susposed to be the leader in the house. If you enter in a marriage and as a man haven't been raised to know what is expected as a husband and father, I think it makes the male's role much harder.

There is a whole other element of being a spirtual leader in the house I won't even get into but basically the man is susposed to lead, provide, take care of,etc. If that's lacking, I think the whole family unit can fall apart. If he's lost and doesn't have that experience to guide him, the woman steps into this role and other issues, e.g. emasculation, resentment, "strong black woman" all come in to play. This is why I think the black family is failing but that's another thread.

 

[Summer_Rain]

I've heard someone imply that men who were raised in a single parent home have it "worse" than women who were raised the same? Do you ladies feel like that?

And once again, I dont see anyone here putting down marriage. I wish I grew up to see an example of positive marriage (I do believe it's way more than just a piece of paper) and I do want to be married one day. But I guess because my mother raised me, that might not happen.

@ the bolded. IMO - that's the reason why these types of conversations are difficult for many people to digest and why there's so much hit dog hollering-ness.

Whether people want to admit it or not, when they read about only dating others rasied within a 2 parent household, they are also hearing "If you were not raised within a 2 parent household, you aren't worthy" or "If you are a single parent, your child could never be good enough for my child by virtue of that fact alone". And that is the hardest pill to swallow for most.

 

[TCatt86]

@ the bolded. IMO - that's the reason why these types of conversations are difficult for many people to digest and why there's so much hit dog hollering-ness.

Whether people want to admit it or not, when they read about only dating others rasied within a 2 parent household, they are also hearing "If you were not raised within a 2 parent household, you aren't worthy" or "If you are a single parent, your child could never be good enough for my child by virtue of that fact alone". And that is the hardest pill to swallow for most.

That's what I believe it to be as well.

 

[locabouthair]

@ the bolded. IMO - that's the reason why these types of conversations are difficult for many people to digest and why there's so much hit dog hollering-ness.

Whether people want to admit it or not, when they read about only dating others rasied within a 2 parent household, they are also hearing "If you were not raised within a 2 parent household, you aren't worthy" or "If you are a single parent, your child could never be good enough for my child by virtue of that fact alone". And that is the hardest pill to swallow for most.

Honestly, thats exactly how I feel. But some people here are acting like I'm saying marriage aint ish and people only need one parent and thats completely untrue. Yes a child needs two parents but if they were only raised by one that doesn't necessarily mean that they are less than the other child who was raised with two parents.

I've been on this board for almost 5 years and this is the only time I'm taking a thread to heart.

 

[Summer_Rain]

Honestly, thats exactly how I feel. But some people here are acting like I'm saying marriage aint ish and people only need one parent and thats completely untrue. Yes a child needs two parents but if they were only raised by one that doesn't necessarily mean that they are less than the other child who was raised with two parents.

I've been on this board for almost 5 years and this is the only time I'm taking a thread to heart.

I remember when this subject was raised for the first time, I had to really stop and take pause about what I was feeling internally. Although my parents were (hell, are still, even though my father passed RIP) married, my dad was a single parent from the time I was 8 yrs old until his death when I was about 18.

My natural reaction was to feel the same i.e. that ppl were suggesting that me, specifically - me SummerRain wasn't good enough because my parents couldn't figure out a way to make their marriage work. But the moment I took a step back, removed my personal insecurities from the table - the point being made, made A LOT of sense.

I drew back to my own experiences, my grandparents didn't think my mother was the best option for my father. She was so emotionally damaged that it was evident to them that she'd be neither a good wife or good mother. (as a sidebar, she was from a 2 parent home). I won't list the reasons behind their feelings, but if I were to do it randomly - you'd totally agree with my grands.

Long story short, had my dad listened to his parents...although my sister and I probably wouldn't be here - he may have had a better marriage with a better woman.

So the moral of the story is one about setting yourself up for success and not gambling and playing the odds. Now for SOME, that pre-req is coming from a 2 parent home...for others, it may be a great & healthy relationship with the one you had.

You can't internalize most of these things because it will leave you feeling like low self esteem Separate your personal upbringing and you'll see the little golden nuggets.

And rest assured, many of the women talking were raised in a single parent family or less, so if they've raised the standards and aren't feeling bad about their situation - neither should you.

 

[TCatt86]

Honestly, thats exactly how I feel. But some people here are acting like I'm saying marriage aint ish and people only need one parent and thats completely untrue. Yes a child needs two parents but if they were only raised by one that doesn't necessarily mean that they are less than the other child who was raised with two parents.

I've been on this board for almost 5 years and this is the only time I'm taking a thread to heart.

But why? IDK I'm not taking it to heart. I can understand why someone would see my family situation and not see me as an attractive candidate to marry, but do I believe that I will never get married because of that? no. I understand I have other qualities and values that are attractive to quality me, and I don't feel like I'm less in value than someone whose parents were married, you shouldn't either and no one else should. But the truth is our situations are less than ideal. It just is what it is.

 

[Proudpiscean]

I remember when this subject was raised for the first time, I had to really stop and take pause about what I was feeling internally. Although my parents were (hell, are still, even though my father passed RIP) married, my dad was a single parent from the time I was 8 yrs old until his death when I was about 18.

My natural reaction was to feel the same i.e. that ppl were suggesting that me, specifically - me SummerRain wasn't good enough because my parents couldn't figure out a way to make their marriage work. But the moment I took a step back, removed my personal insecurities from the table - the point being made, made A LOT of sense.

I drew back to my own experiences, my grandparents didn't think my mother was the best option for my father. She was so emotionally damaged that it was evident to them that she'd be neither a good wife or good mother. (as a sidebar, she was from a 2 parent home). I won't list the reasons behind their feelings, but if I were to do it randomly - you'd totally agree with my grands.

Long story short, had my dad listened to his parents...although my sister and I probably wouldn't be here - he may have had a better marriage with a better woman.

So the moral of the story is one about setting yourself up for success and not gambling and playing the odds. Now for SOME, that pre-req is coming from a 2 parent home...for others, it may be a great & healthy relationship with the one you had.

You can't internalize most of these things because it will leave you feeling like low self esteem Separate your personal upbringing and you'll see the little golden nuggets.

And rest assured, many of the women talking were raised in a single parent family or less, so if they've raised the standards and aren't feeling bad about their situation - neither should you.

And there you have it

 

[winterinatl]

I haven't read the responses but feel like your friend. I have never stopped talking to a man because of it, but I feel deep down inside, the relationships I've had with men that went bad was indirectly related to how he was raised - without a dad.

Then again there are exceptions to every rule.

I do feel like I'm looking at a unicorn or something when I talk to a black man who has been raised by both biological parents in the home (and married!). And honestly I have gotten the same reaction.

 

[Summer_Rain]

But why? IDK I'm not taking it to heart. I can understand why someone would see my family situation and not see me as an attractive candidate to marry, but do I believe that I will never get married because of that? no. I understand I have other qualities and values that are attractive to quality me, and I don't feel like I'm less in value than someone whose parents were married, you shouldn't either and no one else should. But the truth is our situations are less than ideal. It just is what it is.

When you think of ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the other woes and ills suffered by black women, adding the sins of our parents to that list...the one thing that we had absolutely NO control over and NO say-so in, it does start to feel like doom & gloom season

So I can see how some take it to heart, it may not be plainly stated - but it is implied and inferred - you aren't good enough and/or worth the chance.

 

[locabouthair]

But why? IDK I'm not taking it to heart. I can understand why someone would see my family situation and not see me as an attractive candidate to marry, but do I believe that I will never get married because of that? no. I understand I have other qualities and values that are attractive to quality me, and I don't feel like I'm less in value than someone whose parents were married, you shouldn't either and no one else should. But the truth is our situations are less than ideal. It just is what it is.

You're right. I do think I have great qualities and I do know my situation is not ideal and it shouldn't be. I just never thought I'd get rejected because of my upbringing, something I had no control over. But you're absolutely right.

I remember when this subject was raised for the first time, I had to really stop and take pause about what I was feeling internally. Although my parents were (hell, are still, even though my father passed RIP) married, my dad was a single parent from the time I was 8 yrs old until his death when I was about 18.

My natural reaction was to feel the same i.e. that ppl were suggesting that me, specifically - me SummerRain wasn't good enough because my parents couldn't figure out a way to make their marriage work. But the moment I took a step back, removed my personal insecurities from the table - the point being made, made A LOT of sense.

I drew back to my own experiences, my grandparents didn't think my mother was the best option for my father. She was so emotionally damaged that it was evident to them that she'd be neither a good wife or good mother. (as a sidebar, she was from a 2 parent home). I won't list the reasons behind their feelings, but if I were to do it randomly - you'd totally agree with my grands.

Long story short, had my dad listened to his parents...although my sister and I probably wouldn't be here - he may have had a better marriage with a better woman.

So the moral of the story is one about setting yourself up for success and not gambling and playing the odds. Now for SOME, that pre-req is coming from a 2 parent home...for others, it may be a great & healthy relationship with the one you had.

You can't internalize most of these things because it will leave you feeling like low self esteem Separate your personal upbringing and you'll see the little golden nuggets.

And rest assured, many of the women talking were raised in a single parent family or less, so if they've raised the standards and aren't feeling bad about their situation - neither should you.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. The bolded is very true. Good post.

 

[aribell]

The question then is "whose reality" are you referring to? I've said this on the board before but- a vast majority of my friends come from 2 parent households. Basically all of my closest friends in college, my best friends from way back when, and the friends I have now in med school. I never once held an interview with anyone to determine parental marital status before I allowed them to be my friend. It just happend that way, and that's the reality I have. But that's my reality, and it doesn't make it unrealistic because others do not share it.

The issue with the argument being made is that ppl have a tendency to project their personality realities, and opinions about what they deem "possible" on other people. Which is inherently biased. They don't have the same life experiences which form the context for the standards and expectations that others have created for themselves.

Not to mention that other ppl have a serious hit dog complex when certain experiences/traits/backgrounds etc. that *they do not have* are held up as the superior standard. It's like a knee-jerk survival reflex that makes ppl villify said "standard" in an effort to put themselves back in a favorable position. (Not saying you're doing this, but like CP said- I see it every single time there is a discussion on education, wealth, certain jobs, etc.).

I am genuinely and honestly not understanding the disconnect in this thread.

I don't understand what you meant by what's realistic and what is not. Or maybe that wasn't in reference to what I said. Most of my friends come from 2-parent families as well, so I wouldn't question anyone's ability to find someone who had that upbringing, or their right to do so.

As far as different realities go, again, making a statement about what is true about people overall is not a reference to my "particular" reality, it's a statment about what's true in general. And when made in public, other people have the right to weigh in on whether they think that's actually true or not. What I've seen in this discussion is people questioning what they think is a false statement about people and the world. Again, not sure what the problem with that is, as we do it all the time.

Per the bolded, I don't see people vilifying any standard. Really, what I see happening is that some people do feel that they have a superior background and standard and don't like that other people are saying that what they prize isn't as valuable as they think it is, and are perhaps taking that a bit personally. It's easy to just imply, oh you must just be mad, but maybe it has less to do with hurt feelings and more to do with a different understanding of life and relationships that raises real questions about what some people consider to be an issue of "standards."

Whether people want to admit it or not, when they read about only dating others rasied within a 2 parent household, they are also hearing "If you were not raised within a 2 parent household, you aren't worthy" or "If you are a single parent, your child could never be good enough for my child by virtue of that fact alone". And that is the hardest pill to swallow for most.

This is a valid point. I would also say that sometimes, it is okay to question people who make statements like that. I really doubt anyone has an interest in controlling the decisions of others, or taking away anyone's ability to choose what is best for them. I also know that people love to pull out the "everything is relative" card when it suits their preferences. However, I would love to see the question shifted from "Only x people are good enough for me/you're just mad 'cause you don't measure up" to "these are the character traits that make up a good spouse and what to watch out for."

 

[amara11]

I am genuinely and honestly not understanding the disconnect in this thread.

I don't understand what you meant by what's realistic and what is not. Or maybe that wasn't in reference to what I said. Most of my friends come from 2-parent families as well, so I wouldn't question anyone's ability to find someone who had that upbringing, or their right to do so.

Then what did you mean by this?

I think it's perfectly fair to raise an eyebrow at something someone considers to be an issue of "high standards" that isn't really supported in reality.

Per the bolded, I don't see people vilifying any standard. Really, what I see happening is that some people do feel that they have a superior background and standard and don't like that other people are saying that what they prize isn't as valuable as they think it is, and are perhaps taking that a bit personally. It's easy to just imply, oh you must just be mad, but maybe it has less to do with hurt feelings and more to do with a different understanding of life and relationships that raises real questions about what some people consider to be an issue of "standards."

Again, no one said people didn't have the right to do what they please. This isn't about anyone's personal preference.

Really? You don't view saying people who come from two parent homes have abusive fathers, cheating parents, or are serial killer-cannibals as villification of the standard? I'd have to disagree. And in terms of the hit dog issue- I think SummerRain put it quite eloquently.

Again, no one said people didn't have the right to do what they please. This isn't about anyone's personal preference.

Then what is it about?

 

[TayMac]

You're right. I do think I have great qualities and I do know my situation is not ideal and it shouldn't be. I just never thought I'd get rejected because of my upbringing, something I had no control over. But you're absolutely right.

If you haven't been rejected for it thus far, I wouldn't really worry about it now. I may not be on alot of men's radar for whatever reason..but it does me no good to concern myself over things I cannot change. And by the way, no one posting is a potential mate for us

 

[winterinatl]

Exactly

"well my mama could juggle all that, why cant you" LOL

OMG I have heard this very phrase....

....and once, I told him in the future I wanted a housekeeper, lawd you should have seen ALL THE FACES that man made, before he tersely said there was no excuse for me not to be able to keep house when his mama could do it with two kids .

I mean I thought his face was going to be permanantly puckered.

He said "there ain't no excuse" y'all. Like I need a damm excuse to have what I want, smh.

At least I got rid of that one, lol.

 

[aribell]

Then what did you mean by this?

I didn't make any comment in my last post or upthread about whether it is realistic to find someone who came from a 2-parent home. What I addressed was whether it was realistic to assume that someone (any particular person) that did not come from a 2-parent home would not make as good a spouse.

Really? You don't view saying people who come from two parent homes have abusive fathers, cheating parents, or are serial killer-cannibals as villification of the standard? I'd have to disagree. And in terms of the hit dog issue- I think SummerRain put it quite eloquently.

Villifying? As in making a two-parent home something evil? Actually, no. I read those posts as points that there are no guarantees re: one's upbringing. That the fact of a 2-parent home does not guarantee anything about how someone is going to turn out. I did not and would not have used those examples. I would have considered it to be villifying if the point of those posts was somehow that such people only came from two-parent homes, or that being raised in a two-parent home was directly responsible for such people turning out that way. Again, I don't believe that was the point, regardless of whether it was a good or bad example.

Then what is it about?

Standards. Assumptions. Whether all standards are valid. Whether preferences and standards are the same thing. Whether it makes a difference. That's just my view. Everyone is probably taking something different away from the conversation.

 

[HairBarbie]

I'm still recovering from the fact that someone said it's unrealistic to find a mate that comes from a 2 parent household. That's got to be one of the craziest thing I've heard in my life.

 

[FlowerHair]

I'm still recovering from the fact that someone said it's unrealistic to find a mate that comes from a 2 parent household. That's got to be one of the craziest thing I've heard in my life.

If 70% of all black children in the USA are born out of wedlock, it's going to be true sooner or later (unless you choose to date other races of course).

I hereby urge those that are married to have at least 6 children!!

 

[Bachelorette]

I'm still recovering from the fact that someone said it's unrealistic to find a mate that comes from a 2 parent household. That's got to be one of the craziest thing I've heard in my life.

Misery needs company.

 

[winterinatl]

I'm still recovering from the fact that someone said it's unrealistic to find a mate that comes from a 2 parent household. That's got to be one of the craziest thing I've heard in my life.

I missed that. But I think if you travel in certain circles for a while,it will look more and more unrealistic. Here in Atlanta, I have one set of friends, all come from 2PH. The other set, uh, not. And it's interesting to see who is having the relationship issues. I have had my own issues, but then again, I haven't permanantly attached myself to a man of either status. I've got girlfriends that are married happily, where both parties came from 2PH.

Then I've got a gf whose father died when she was 3, who hooked up with a man from a broken home ("you can do all that - my mom did" ) <---he'S that guy. And she's had nothing but issues (one baby for her, 5 total for him). As she puts it, neither of them has ever SEEN a marriage work. They just have a good idea of it, but haven't seen it happen in real life.

I come from a 2PH. It wasn't perfect. But I'm thankful to see what it really means to stick to somebody through thick and thin. There is, an internal barometer? of what to expect in your home (could be different depending on the home - for the better or worse).

I find men that haven't seen marriage work in their own homes don't have that barometer. And they are scared of marriage, scared of the responsibility, scared of failing.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I think the disconnect in this thread is that there are women saying that they are looking for a MAN who was raised in a two parent home because that man would have grown up seeing a man's role in a marriage.

The problem with women getting upset with that preference is that those of us with that view are not trying to date or marry you.

A woman growing up without a father in the home has completely separate issues than a man who grows up without a father. YOU - the poster who is offended didn't need a father to teach you how to be a man, right?

A man's daddy issues play out differently than a woman's.

 

[Kurlee]

way too judgemental and shortsighted and cuts out a lot of potentially good candidates

 

[gabulldawg]

I really can't see why people are getting so worked up over this comment. Did you not know that we are all constantly being knocked out of the dating game by others based on other things that we may or may not be able to control? Skin color? Height? Weight? Shoe size? Personal style? Body shape? Accent? Hair color? Eye color? The list is endless and can include some of the most trivial things you couldn't even imagine. Why worry about that kind of stuff, especially things you can't change (like what type of household you were brought up in)? Everyone isn't going to be interested in you for whatever reason. Everyone is entitled to their own personal preferences. You should only worry about those that are interested in you.

 

[mnemosyne]

If 70% of all black children in the USA are born out of wedlock, it's going to be true sooner or later (unless you choose to date other races of course).

I hereby urge those that are married to have at least 6 children!!

 

[Mortons]

How does it seem to be working out for your coworker? How old is she?

 

[HairBarbie]

way too judgemental and shortsighted and cuts out a lot of potentially good candidates

But more importantly it also cuts out a lot of bad ones.

 

[FlowerHair]

I really can't see why people are getting so worked up over this comment. Did you not know that we are all constantly being knocked out of the dating game by others based on other things that we may or may not be able to control? Skin color? Height? Weight? Shoe size? Personal style? Body shape? Accent? Hair color? Eye color? The list is endless and can include some of the most trivial things you couldn't even imagine. Why worry about that kind of stuff, especially things you can't change (like what type of household you were brought up in)? Everyone isn't going to be interested in you for whatever reason. Everyone is entitled to their own personal preferences. You should only worry about those that are interested in you.

Yes, ITA! And that's the bottom line

We are all entitled to having preferences.

I think the biggest problem might not be what type of preferences we have, but the fact that so many don't have any preferences at all - or they focus on the wrong things...

 

[Crackers Phinn]

way too judgemental and shortsighted and cuts out a lot of potentially good candidates

With the marriage rate of black women being 42%, the divorce rate being above 50% and the OOW rate being quoted as 70%, where are all these potentially good candidates from single parent homes hiding?

 

[Bint Yusef]

Honestly, thats exactly how I feel. But some people here are acting like I'm saying marriage aint ish and people only need one parent and thats completely untrue. Yes a child needs two parents but if they were only raised by one that doesn't necessarily mean that they are less than the other child who was raised with two parents.

I've been on this board for almost 5 years and this is the only time I'm taking a thread to heart.

I remember when this subject was raised for the first time, I had to really stop and take pause about what I was feeling internally. Although my parents were (hell, are still, even though my father passed RIP) married, my dad was a single parent from the time I was 8 yrs old until his death when I was about 18.

My natural reaction was to feel the same i.e. that ppl were suggesting that me, specifically - me SummerRain wasn't good enough because my parents couldn't figure out a way to make their marriage work. But the moment I took a step back, removed my personal insecurities from the table - the point being made, made A LOT of sense.

I drew back to my own experiences, my grandparents didn't think my mother was the best option for my father. She was so emotionally damaged that it was evident to them that she'd be neither a good wife or good mother. (as a sidebar, she was from a 2 parent home). I won't list the reasons behind their feelings, but if I were to do it randomly - you'd totally agree with my grands.

Long story short, had my dad listened to his parents...although my sister and I probably wouldn't be here - he may have had a better marriage with a better woman.

So the moral of the story is one about setting yourself up for success and not gambling and playing the odds. Now for SOME, that pre-req is coming from a 2 parent home...for others, it may be a great & healthy relationship with the one you had.

You can't internalize most of these things because it will leave you feeling like low self esteem Separate your personal upbringing and you'll see the little golden nuggets.

And rest assured, many of the women talking were raised in a single parent family or less, so if they've raised the standards and aren't feeling bad about their situation - neither should you.

Your bolded is EXACTLY it. I dont know why on this board people love to play against the odds on everything and always want the BEST outcome. It makes ZERO sense to me. If someone doesnt want to exclude those raised in single family homes , that is their perogative, but to say there is no logic in those of us who have a 2 parent home criteria is frankly rubbish. To me it makes plenty of sense to get a man that grew up in a household setting that I would want to have for myself...to say there is no increase in odds of success(it definitely doesnt hurt) is denial....


And yes this definitely a hit dog issue.

 

[MzRhonda]

100% agree. They think women are supposed to be the wife and the husband rolled into one. Not to mention they tend not to value marriage as much and are usually coddled and babied by their mother and can't do anything for themselves.

Sadly and I love my dh dearly that is what I have. Everyone in his life(immediate circle) we either single and/or divorced. His Mom was and did everything, she did whatever it took to take care of them and when I was too stressed to work, take care of him and our child and my Mom with Alzheimers I quit my job and for 3 years I did not work, my Moms Alz progressed to constarnt care and bedridden status...we struggled big time financially and all I heard was when was I going to get a job, any job, working evenings if I had too. He has a job that his overtime or extra duty could be several hundreds of dollars oper week where as a PT job for me would have not even touched what he could have made.....he did not see that what he was requesting made no sense....if I worked 20 hrs per week for say $125 per week he could make that same $125 with 4 hours of extra duty. erplexed

As far as things around the house that I would consider husbandy or manly duties, nada......Light bulb blows I eventually replace it, trash taken out on trash day, I generally do it.....I am still riding around on a donut on my car since August(full size tire) my car needs a tune up I'll probably have to find the place and take it...I have spent $55 this week in gas because his vehicle is a gas guzzler and mind is not. We have no car payments, mine is a bit older and with some basic maintenance it could alst many more years he ahs not made one move to have anything taken care of, my radio works but i can't see the numbers for the stations I would like a new radio I am clueless he ahs done nothing. He yells divorce constantly because he can find someone better and someone who will take care of business but he has made no moves towards one and he does not realize he is not taking care of business. We were out to dinner one night for his borthers birthday, I asked him to put his phone away as he is ALWAYS on facebook even when driving and I assumed he was doing that or email and I felt it was rude. He gave me a look like" who are you talking to?" I emntioend it to him this morning and he "stated he was not a child to be told what to do" I feel he is really clueless as to what is expected by a man/husband in a relationship/marriage and what is expected in a marriage period due to the fact he did not grow up in that environment or around anyone that was. Myself on the other hand had a different experience growing up, out of all of my moms brothers and sisters(10) and my dads (10) only 1 got divorced all others are still with one wife. Because of that I still hang in there.

So that's my example of why there is a point to the statement made by the OP.

 

[Mortons]

MzRhonda,

Did you and your husband not discuss how you felt the running of the household/husband and wife expectations should be before marriage. It seems you two have very different ideas and I'm wonder how you all thought that would work.