Only dating people who are raised in a two-parent home

[Theo]

My favorite teacher told me to do this before I started college. She herself was a single mom, so I found that really interesting. I know she was just looking out for me and had my interests at heart.

My first BF father died when he was very young and he was raised by him mother, who had him really young. My second BF comes from a divorced family, but his father is very involved in his life.

So neither came from a 2-parent home, but one had significant fatherly input and the other had almost none. Comparing the two relationships, I can see the difference. There is a greater amount of knowledge and maturity that my current BF brings to the relationship that he didn't have. Even though my last BF as a good guy, I can definitely see how being raised in 2-parent functional home COULD make a difference in some males' approach to relationship, however this isn't always the case.

I know some trife, TRIFE males who have the nicest parents you could ever think of... or they seem nice. Who knows what could be going on behind closed doors....

 

[deltadreamland]

One of my most dysfunctional relationships was with my son's father, who was brought up by two loving and supportive parents that are still living and still together.

 

[Lucie]

I am a child of divorce. And to be truthfully honest, I made it a priority to marry a man who came from a loving, two-family home because I thought it would balance out. I used to think what was the purpose of dating someone who came from the same dysfunction? Ten years later if I had to remarry, I would not judge a person based on their parents situation. As many above this post have stated, a two-parent home is not the end-all, be-all. Look at Jeffrey Dahmer.

 

[spelmanlocks]

My Brother in law is a big time player and he was raised in a two parent home, parents have been married for 40 years and from what hubby has said they had a pretty good marriage too.

 

[aribell]

I don't think there are shortcuts to understanding someone's character. I'd just wait to see if they were mature, stable, etc. w/o trying to assume one thing or the other by their parent's marital status. I don't see why it would be necessary to hold something against someone before actually seeing how it plays out in their life.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

I think how a person was rasied doesn't matter..i mean we all know how bad some pastor children can be..they are raised in a 2 parent home but they can be some serious HAM..

 

[kismettt]

well every bf i've ever had grew up in a 2-parent home/parents are still married.

unfortunately, their fathers were absent/cheaters/whatever. their parents were married, and the father was there, but not really there, if that makes sense?

 

[Miss AJ]

I don't care if he was raised by wolves, if he is a good man and wants to be in a committed relationship with me then he's good in my book!

 

[DarkHair]

I don't look at the number of parents, I look at the relationship with whomever raised them.

My dh is a good man and he was mainly raised by his grandparents. His father used to abuse drugs, alcohol, and dh's mother. He (dh) has the best values of his mom and sister. I was raised in a two, then one-parent household. I think that we've turned out well. I know some people that were raised in two-parent homes and they are married, yet strung out on drugs.

 

[Duchesse]

I used to have this thing where I would think that a guy raised in a 2 parent home would be better than one raised by a single parent. In my experience, I haven't noticed an ounce of difference between the two. Though ideally I would like to date a man seriously who had healthy (imperative) married parents, it is more important how he was raised and his own ideas of marriage. You have some single parent raised folks who would make excellent spouses, and then you have the exact opposite.

My parents have been married for 32 years and though I admire their longevity, there is very little that I wish to model my future marriage on. So while a man with this mindset (2 parent person = better) may think that my parents influenced me in a positive manner regarding marriage, the opposite is actually true.

 

[locabouthair]

You know, in these types of situations, you just can't take things personally. If they have that opinion, then that's on them. It doesn't reflect on you or your ability to be a good mate.

I know that there are a lot of men not checking for me because of whatever reason. I used to be mad, but you know what? They can choose whomever they want... I just know I'm a great catch, so I'll just worry about the people who do include me in their pool and go from there.

And you don't have to prove anything to anyone just because of your background.

Good post.

There are some real cruel men that treat women like ish, that were raised in two parent homes.

I used to feel insulted when I would hear people say stuff like that, because you can't control the situation you were born in and I'm sure most people would prefer to grow up with both parents instead of one.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

I would prefer to date a man who was raised in a two parent home but I also know that it does not make for a perfect mate so I would also date a man raised in a one parent home. I was raised in a two parent and I feel someone who was also, could relate a little better than one who wasn't.

 

[MissJ]

Mine has to come from a two-parent household. There's a huge difference in being raised by a single mom and being raised by a united mother and father.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Children of divorce or never-married are often gun-shy about marrying in the first place, especially the men from what I've heard. I understand the logic.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I'm always befuddled by these kinds of threads.

According to every black message board I've ever belonged to the conventional wisdom is :

A man from a two parent home prolly won't be ish.

A man with a college degree prolly won't be ish.

A man with a white collar job as opposed to blue prolly won't be ish.

Fo serious?

I hear what ya'll sayin and I'ma let you finish but those mate selection criteria are practiced by women the world over and they got the best marriage statistics of all time.

Oh I forgot,

just cuz they got married don't mean nothin cuz a piece of paper doesn't speak on whether a relationship is good.

C'mon Son

 

[Bunny77]

I'm always befuddled by these kinds of threads.

According to every black message board I've ever belonged to the conventional wisdom is :

A man from a two parent home prolly won't be ish.

A man with a college degree prolly won't be ish.

A man with a white collar job as opposed to blue prolly won't be ish.

Fo serious?

I hear what ya'll sayin and I'ma let you finish but those mate selection criteria are practiced by women the world over and they got the best marriage statistics of all time.

Oh I forgot,

just cuz they got married don't mean nothin cuz a piece of paper doesn't speak on whether a relationship is good.

C'mon Son

Okay now see... you'z a fool with the bolded!!!

Points duly noted though. Duly noted!

 

[seraphinelle]

Thank you Crackers Phinn.

I am baffled by the anecdotes given all the time regarding marriage on this message board.

I would have thought that the people in question that make statements like in the OP (myself also) take all things into consideration.

I don't see anywhere where, the two parent household overrides all other characteristics. Nor anywhere, where regardless of the household environment as long as the parents were married, that makes it OK.

The logic makes sense, if you look pass your bias and your personal anecdotes; given that I have my positive experiences when dating men that come from two parent households.

 

[gabulldawg]

Children of divorce or never-married are often gun-shy about marrying in the first place, especially the men from what I've heard. I understand the logic.

ITA. I'm surprised (once again) that people are acting brand new in here. It would take a lot for me to consider dating someone who came from a single-parent home, more specifically one without a father or some type of father figure. Call it what you want, but I have found that I tend to have more in common (i.e. goals, future plans, etc.) with people who were raised similar to the way that I was raised. That often goes with choice of friends as well. Of course no one can say that anyone raised in a two-parent household is "better" than one who was raised in a singe-parent home.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Jeffrey Dahmer was raised in a two parent home Good luck with that.

OMG this had me laughing so hard


My DH and his 4 brothers were raised by their mom, with occasional visits from his dad. His mom must have been an amazing woman (she was deceased before I met DH) because all of them are the most mild-mannered, respectful, hard-working and family-oriented men I know.

 

[FluffyRed]

I was disagreeing with y'all Crackers and Sera and GA, but when you bring up relationships and people in general, MOST of my friends are from two-parent homes, that is, all but one.

My parents are divorced, but we had equal time with mom and dad and very involved extended families on both sides.

That's really interesting - I guess in practice I'm pretty much IA with y'all.

 

[Bunny77]

I was disagreeing with y'all Crackers and Sera and GA, but when you bring up relationships and people in general, MOST of my friends are from two-parent homes, that is, all but one.

My parents are divorced, but we had equal time with mom and dad and very involved extended families on both sides.

That's really interesting - I guess in practice I'm pretty much IA with y'all.

Yeah, I think it can end up being kind of a natural migration to people who are like you... as I mentioned, I've dated men from one-parent homes and I would do it again if I was still dating. But I noticed that my stronger relationships were with men from two-parent families just because our upbringings were similar.

And I know that every person from a one-parent family doesn't have to have baby-mama/daddy drama, but in the case of the two that I dated, the family situation was a hot mess. I often felt very uncomfortable when dealing with the extended families.

Again, everyone has to get to know the men that they're dating individually, etc., and it's not like I'd tell a date "see ya," as soon as he said he was raised by one parent... but its just that I do understand the reasoning behind this idea.

As for my female friends, many of them had absentee fathers, which is interesting. One is married and is an amazing wife and mother.

 

[aribell]

Perhaps a part of this is that a great many black people were raised in single-parent homes, making it hypocritical to judge those who have also been raised in these situations.

If a person comes from a two-parent home and wants to marry someone else that did and really believes in its importance, then great. But that perspective comes from the privilege of having been raised by two parents. If that wasn't your upbringing, there's no way you can turn and dismiss out of hand anyone else that was raised in a single parent home, unless you're going to make the same judgment about yourself.

I don't think people are being blind or naive, it's just reality. Moreover, it's likely that those who have experienced divorce and managed to work through it would be better able to understand that it is indeed possible to successfully work through those issues.

 

[mscocoface]

I think I would rather base my like or dislike of someone on their character, personality, behavior, and other things versus who and how many raised them.

I have seen no statistics where being raised in a 2 family home gives you better success with the person in a relationship.

I married someone raised in a two parent home and I am now married to someone who let's just say was not raised in a two parent home. I prefer this one sooooo much more.

 

[Iluvsmuhgrass]

How do you feel about your mate or future spouse being raised by one parent or both? Does it really matter as long as the person is good, respectful, and has their priorities in order?

I grew up in a two parent household and while it wasn't perfect, we had alot of love, structure, and life lessons. I can almost understand where they were trying to take the discussion. Almost. You can't generalize all single parented kids as not all are looking for a mother/father/to fit in/etc.

I don't think it matters when the person is generally good BUT you should know about any kind of abuse, personality disorders, or destructive behaviors so you can make a decision based on what you are ready or aren't ready to understand/cope with. I know plenty of men/women that grew up in a two parent household that are really messed up. A two parent home doesn't always equate to a better person.

 

[newbiemom]

I wouldn't do this but I do understand what she is getting at. I am not from a 2 parent hh and in my family most are from broken homes even if the father does play an active role. My dh family is all 2 parent hh. Everyone gets married and stays married. Many people emulate what they saw growing up so if you have no male figures to follow everyone around you is in baby mama central that becomes normal to you and your more inclined to repeat that pattern. If your from a 2 phh that expects you to get married and stay married not have a bunch of oow kids your more inclined to do that even if it is unitnetional because you don't want to rock the boat.

 

[MizAvalon]

I wouldn't necessarily count a person out because they weren't raised by both parents but they would never be my first choice.

My first choice will always be someone who was raised in a functional, nuclear family. Just like I was.

 

[chicacanella]

Even though I was raised in a one-parent household, I would prefer to date someone raised in a true Christian, two-parent household and then one-parent Christian household next. It's always the most optimal situation to have a mother-father household since that's what it took to make the baby. So, I'd want someone to have lived in a Christian home with their mother and father and of course be a true Christian.

 

[LookingandListening]

I don't know if your friend is AA or Caucasian but as for BW just another disqualifier to further narrow the field.

I was raised in a 2 parent household and my Father was abusive, controlling and made all of us nervous wrecks with other probs. I wish my Mother had left him years ago before the stress killed her.

My DH was raised with his Dad alone after his Mom died with a non-caring step family...he is supportive, loving, generous and everything else. I count my blessings that I was able to meet and marry him.

Did you ever read the story of the girl whose Mom was on drugs and she virtually raised herself living on the subways and suffering . She went on to Harvard and made her life a great success, Nothing is set in stone for anyone just because of the circumstances of their birth .

We have to get over this he gotta be taller, darker, lighter, curlier, AA, YT, rich, older, younger... now 2 parent household for me to Marry him so that we won't remain the 70% unmarrieds.

Not to say that we shouldn't have standards or preferences but some of this stuff is getting really crazy.

Well said.

 

[chicacanella]

I just had to come back and speak on those questioning the sentiments of the women who would rather date someone raised in a two-parent household as if she is somehow on the wrong track. I mean, c'mon if it takes a man and women to make a baby then shouldn't it take both to raise one. Some of us are going totally out of proportion and stretching what she is saying yet know that it is definitely more difficult for just a woman or man to raise a child/children living by themselves.

Of course, I've never met this woman before but I know she was aiming for the most opitmal siutation so I would stretch it out of proportion speaking on the worst marriages and giving all the examples of men raised in two-parent households that turned out to be dogs.

I was raised in a one-parent household as my mom got a divorce when I was only three. But the way some of you are throwing darts at this lady is over-the-top. I guess she must explicit say that when she wants a two-parent household, it must not be an abusive, but loving and stable household.

It's like someone saying, "I would prefer to walk with two legs," and then someone else saying, "Well, it's not that easy if you are overweight or have Restless Leg Syndrome." When most people say this they are thinking of it in the most optimal way but if you prefer walking with one leg...eh.

 

[Determined22]

A two parent home doesnt mean it is/was a good marriage or family life. Dsyfunction comes in all shapes and sizes. Tell her to hire a detective b4 dating. Lol. Alot of folks fake the funk in front of outsiders and visitors for eons.

Yup.

I grew up in a two-parent home & my parents fought constantly. Just cause two parents are there, it doesnt mean its a healthy situation. Two-parent home does not equal that the person you're interested in will have their stuff together or be good for you.