Only dating people who are raised in a two-parent home

[Crackers Phinn]

MzRhonda, I am truly sorry about your situation and I hope things get better for you.

I have ended many a relationship because I saw your reality as my future and I figured I'd be better off single. I am SOOOOO not in love with being in 'the struggle'.

 

[MzRhonda]

A side note: Research and statistics also prove that children with two parents married in the home fair better than those without,which means yes even a bad marriage is statistically better for children to see.

The two parent system while for everyone maybe not always the best, still provides a child with the opprotunity to see a marriage, what they will and will not take from that example in their own marriages and future relationships. That throws out the theory that "well yea they were married but they had a bad marriage".

As for marriage anecdotes, I married someone from a single parent home which was against my better judgement and IMO it was one of the reasons for our early marital issues/struggles. I don't know if I'd go back and do it again and that's just being 100. Luckily we prevailed but I still don't advise women to marry men without father figures in the lives. THere is something to be said about "what they see they will be"

or what they don't see they will be. I agree with everything especially the bolded. I think men need that 2 parent household for that very reason and it DOES affect them women on the other hand not so much so.

 

[MzRhonda]

I think so and that's because as a husband/father a man is susposed to be the leader in the house. If you enter in a marriage and as a man haven't been raised to know what is expected as a husband and father, I think it makes the male's role much harder.

There is a whole other element of being a spirtual leader in the house I won't even get into but basically the man is susposed to lead, provide, take care of,etc. If that's lacking, I think the whole family unit can fall apart. If he's lost and doesn't have that experience to guide him, the woman steps into this role and other issues, e.g. emasculation, resentment, "strong black woman" all come in to play. This is why I think the black family is failing but that's another thread.

...... Well said.

 

[MzRhonda]

I think the disconnect in this thread is that there are women saying that they are looking for a MAN who was raised in a two parent home because that man would have grown up seeing a man's role in a marriage.

The problem with women getting upset with that preference is that those of us with that view are not trying to date or marry you.

A woman growing up without a father in the home has completely separate issues than a man who grows up without a father. YOU - the poster who is offended didn't need a father to teach you how to be a man, right?

A man's daddy issues play out differently than a woman's.

....Exactly!

 

[MzRhonda]

MzRhonda,

Did you and your husband not discuss how you felt the running of the household/husband and wife expectations should be before marriage. It seems you two have very different ideas and I'm wonder how you all thought that would work.

Nope no discussion. I guess we both "assumed" we were both on the same page. We've been married 16 years. Things really began to break down for us 7 years ago when my dad passed away suddenly and my mom, with Alz, moved in with us(I am an only child) I worked for 3 years until I could no longer juggle it all. I was getting ill and went to the doctor and they couldn't find anything wrong. My Mom passed away 2 years ago and I have been back to work since.

 

[Summer_Rain]

MzRhonda, I am truly sorry about your situation and I hope things get better for you.

I have ended many a relationship because I saw your reality as my future and I figured I'd be better off single. I am SOOOOO not in love with being in 'the struggle'.

ITA. There were 2 major contributing factors to the break up with my ex, and what MzRhonda described, and as you said - I saw that as my future and it was very scary to me

I feel that the core of a woman's opinions about men, how she deals with them, and the standards she sets for them is rooted in the relationship she has with her father. I looked at my ex one evening and asked myself "Is this the type of man that I want as a father to my princesses?"

I'm also >>here<< with you on how daddy issues impact men and women differently. For the most part, women IMO, can be nursed back to health when given the right support system - this process is more difficult for men.

 

[Mortons]

Nope no discussion. I guess we both "assumed" we were both on the same page. We've been married 16 years.

If you could go back, what questions would you have asked? I'm very interested, because it never even ran across my mind to ask any girl I dated if her parents were married.

 

[MzRhonda]

If you could go back, what questions would you have asked? I'm very interested, because it never even ran across my mind to ask any girl I dated if her parents were married.

Oh gosh I'd have a ton of questions. The number one being how does he feel about his wife staying at home and taking care of the children/home. Handling finances and paying bills ON TIME. Budgeting. I bargain shop and look for deals...he just picks it up price unknown and buys it. etc etc Oh eta: Picking up behind himself, oh lawd what a slob(he's clean but he is messy and leaves a trail of belongings in every room)

 

[UmSumayyah]

I think the disconnect in this thread is that there are women saying that they are looking for a MAN who was raised in a two parent home because that man would have grown up seeing a man's role in a marriage.

The problem with women getting upset with that preference is that those of us with that view are not trying to date or marry you.

A woman growing up without a father in the home has completely separate issues than a man who grows up without a father. YOU - the poster who is offended didn't need a father to teach you how to be a man, right?

A man's daddy issues play out differently than a woman's.

http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2009/09/lets-get-serious-about-vetting-men-part.html



http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2009/09/lets-get-serious-about-vetting-men-part_06.html

Go forth, read, and be at ease.

 

[femalegold]

How does it seem to be working out for your coworker? How old is she?

She's in a relationship now and he has the background she wants. She is 28 years old.

 

[lala]

Well that sort of thinking will certainly shorten the available suitor pool for you single women who buy into to this way of thinking. What are the stats again for the % of BW who will never be married or engaged?

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

Well that sort of thinking will certainly shorten the available suitor pool for you single women who buy into to this way of thinking. What are the stats again for the % of BW who will never be married or engaged?

JMO...I say tha same thing for a dating female but they just and feel as if I am just using it as a "scare tactic"...all I know is I'm not dating and my future date is set...

 

[aribell]

I agree that not having a father figure is harder on men. I think you have to pay closer attention to how they speak of their understanding of themselves and marriage, and what their expectations are to know where their minds are at.

 

[MissJ]

Sadly and I love my dh dearly that is what I have. Everyone in his life(immediate circle) we either single and/or divorced. His Mom was and did everything, she did whatever it took to take care of them and when I was too stressed to work, take care of him and our child and my Mom with Alzheimers I quit my job and for 3 years I did not work, my Moms Alz progressed to constarnt care and bedridden status...we struggled big time financially and all I heard was when was I going to get a job, any job, working evenings if I had too. He has a job that his overtime or extra duty could be several hundreds of dollars oper week where as a PT job for me would have not even touched what he could have made.....he did not see that what he was requesting made no sense....if I worked 20 hrs per week for say $125 per week he could make that same $125 with 4 hours of extra duty. erplexed

As far as things around the house that I would consider husbandy or manly duties, nada......Light bulb blows I eventually replace it, trash taken out on trash day, I generally do it.....I am still riding around on a donut on my car since August(full size tire) my car needs a tune up I'll probably have to find the place and take it...I have spent $55 this week in gas because his vehicle is a gas guzzler and mind is not. We have no car payments, mine is a bit older and with some basic maintenance it could alst many more years he ahs not made one move to have anything taken care of, my radio works but i can't see the numbers for the stations I would like a new radio I am clueless he ahs done nothing. He yells divorce constantly because he can find someone better and someone who will take care of business but he has made no moves towards one and he does not realize he is not taking care of business. We were out to dinner one night for his borthers birthday, I asked him to put his phone away as he is ALWAYS on facebook even when driving and I assumed he was doing that or email and I felt it was rude. He gave me a look like" who are you talking to?" I emntioend it to him this morning and he "stated he was not a child to be told what to do" I feel he is really clueless as to what is expected by a man/husband in a relationship/marriage and what is expected in a marriage period due to the fact he did not grow up in that environment or around anyone that was. Myself on the other hand had a different experience growing up, out of all of my moms brothers and sisters(10) and my dads (10) only 1 got divorced all others are still with one wife. Because of that I still hang in there.

So that's my example of why there is a point to the statement made by the OP.

Okay, this is exactly the type of thing I was referring to. I would not want to have a relationship with that kind of man. I have had one, and I did not like it at all. The guy wants to get married now, but there's no way in the world I would sign up for that. I told him that he didn't know how to be a man and didn't want to learn.

I'm sorry you're going through this with your husband.

 

[MzRhonda]

Okay, this is exactly the type of thing I was referring to. I would not want to have a relationship with that kind of man. I have had one, and I did not like it at all. The guy wants to get married now, but there's no way in the world I would sign up for that. I told him that he didn't know how to be a man and didn't want to learn.

I'm sorry you're going through this with your husband.

But you know, in the beginning and before we got married he was "perfect" very loving, caring, attentive...if I had known then what I know now I would have looked for signs or asked questions. I do not want our daughters involved with a man like this.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I agree that not having a father figure is harder on men. I think you have to pay closer attention to how they speak of their understanding of themselves and marriage, and what their expectations are to know where their minds are at.

This could not have been better said...
I mean that's the bottom line which is that whether 2-parent home or not. I think ultimately no matter how you are groomed that at 18 you begin to make your own decisions and understandings on life whether right, wrong, good or bad.

I know alot of men that grew up in 2-parent household DON'T want to get married based off of what they have seen in a marriage and rather just stay single but will pacify a woman long enough for her to think that eventually they will and say all the right things. But same, difference for some single men... Its like you have to work on a case-by-case basis.

I also have a case in point, I have a co-worker, male, grew up in a 2-parent household with all, I mean every single one of them family members are married...hence lies his problem...you would've though he was raised by a bunch of pimps because they all are verbally abusive to their women, controlling and have a caveman mentality of how women are to be treated...so he can't find a woman from a single parent home to take his sh*t, so what does he look for?....one thats from a 2-parent home, this being out of the horse's mouth he don't do single women because if he gets a woman who doesn't take his sh*t then he is ridiculed by other males in the family...and believe me if thats a standard ya'll can have him...

JMO...that there is a difference between preference and standard. If you don't know dictionary.com is this way ---> no wait that way<---. Its the difference between getting to know someone and learning that they are from a single/2-parent home vs. Hi, my name is...what kind of home did you come from?

Everyone has a right to their standards, just like an employer won't hire you due to your credit score being lower than xxx or James, ie...didn't like you because you weren't xx size, but even some standards as one runs out of candidates or possible mates get lowered so that the choice pool gets bigger. Again from the horses mouth. So I understand and don't get it twisted I have never said that coming from a 2-parent home is bad as I don't think anyone within this thread has...its a do you thing...and all the best with your search

By the way before you get married/involved the whole this is my ideals and what are your ideals should have been discussed. No, if ands or buts, within the first 3-6 months of dating someone you know who they are by their natural habits. Sometimes people choose to keep on their rose-colored glasses going into relationships/marriage and then 5-10-15-20 years down the line they letting everyone know what all those on the outside looking in knew. People as a whole are not that hard to figure out...if you take off the glasses and take a look at what the present day situation is alot of times people will say...yeah, I knew back when such and such did this that this wasn't going to work but I was bent on trying...so in the end who's time gets wasted yours or theirs? But thats a whole new thread...

 

[Minty]

@Arianna......"ghetto heaven" LOL. That man's family sounds too funny (pathetic but comical) Its sad, but true. I would certainly hope no woman would take any man as long as he came from a 2 parent household because there are issues of morality and character that also must take high precedence. But then again, one can't be ____ fill in the blank, and want a knight in shining armor.

Prayer, patience, and preserverance are necessary too.

My boy turned 14 today, thank God, and there are just some things I am unable to do for him, but his father does wonderfully. He sees the man get up and handle his responsibilities everyday. Very important.

 

[Jade Feria]

I really can't see why people are getting so worked up over this comment. Did you not know that we are all constantly being knocked out of the dating game by others based on other things that we may or may not be able to control? Skin color? Height? Weight? Shoe size? Personal style? Body shape? Accent? Hair color? Eye color? The list is endless and can include some of the most trivial things you couldn't even imagine. Why worry about that kind of stuff, especially things you can't change (like what type of household you were brought up in)? Everyone isn't going to be interested in you for whatever reason. Everyone is entitled to their own personal preferences. You should only worry about those that are interested in you.

depends. First choice will always be 2-parents. The inclusion of Dahmer is just odd

Most serial killers were also raised in devout Christian homes, so what does that mean?

There has to be a logical reason why its not a 2 parent home and how it affected the person in question

Its sad to see people acting like growing up in a two parent household is bad and growing up in a single parent household is the right way to go.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with a woman that wants a man that grew up in a stable two parents household. More power to her, perhaps if more people had such standards the majority of black children wouldn't be born out of wedlock.

For those acting like two parent households are evil, kids that grow up in two parent household out perform those that grew up in a single parent household. As for the Jeffry Dahmer comparison, I'd be willing to be that the overwhelming majority of people in prison are from single parent households.

THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING STANDARDS!!! That woman should not be made to feel less than because she does and there's nothing good that comes out of settling.

Yes, yes, and yes!

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

@Arianna......"ghetto heaven" LOL. That man's family sounds too funny (pathetic but comical) Its sad, but true. I would certainly hope no woman would take any man as long as he came from a 2 parent household because there are issues of morality and character that also must take high precedence. But then again, one can't be ____ fill in the blank, and want a knight in shining armor.

Prayer, patience, and preserverance are necessary too.

My boy turned 14 today, thank God, and there are just some things I am unable to do for him, but his father does wonderfully. He sees the man get up and handle his responsibilities everyday. Very important.

@ the underlined and that is definitely what I expect for my future children to see everyday whether me and their father is together or not. But I don't want to speak into existence any type of separation/divorce as I don't see that ever happening at this point.

My mom and dad divorced I believe I was 8 and even though they weren't together it didn't take them being together to show us how a 2-parent home should be. Before, during and after the divorce my dad showed us what it is to be a loving father/man/good ex-husband...Single parent homes don't always mean that the other parent isn't involved. Theres blended families to take into account as well. We didn't have a sayso in the matter but it was obvious that staying together wasn't healthy for them or for us. When my mom passed he raised us but I didn't have a mother, did it affect me. No, it really didn't, I made up my 13 y/o mind that I was going to make it and not be a statistic. It was rough but I think it made me stronger and more determined than alot of young women out here today. So if my future based our future off of my parents relationship I would feel But again thats JMO...Thank GOD he doesn't he feels its a crazy criteria too!

Now back to that co-worker he told us a story about how he dated this one young lady (yea, she was from a single parent home on a trial basis at another's co-workers urging) and he took her to the family reunion. He asked her to make them a plate, she obliged but forgot drinks (in my mind I'm thinking how was she to carry it all in the first place?) so he asked her to go and get the drinks....she told him no, you go and get it! in front of his dad and uncles. He said he that they pulled him to the side and was telling him how to put her all in check and stuff and he walked back and said something to her and she threw her drink all over him and left. He told us he can't have a woman doing no ish like that...and we were at the time but he said he was feeling real I told him that he was real selfish in how he handled her but you can't tell him nothing though. He feels that single women can't tell him nothing from a 1-parent household...but he tells us his problems all the time! He finally is no longer onsite but he definitely is a hot topic all around...we would feel like after a convo with him...

 

[aribell]

JMO...that there is a difference between preference and standard. If you don't know dictionary.com is this way ---> no wait that way<---. Its the difference between getting to know someone and learning that they are from a single/2-parent home vs. Hi, my name is...what kind of home did you come from?

@ "no wait that way".

By the way before you get married/involved the whole this is my ideals and what are your ideals should have been discussed. No, if ands or buts, within the first 3-6 months of dating someone you know who they are by their natural habits. Sometimes people choose to keep on their rose-colored glasses going into relationships/marriage and then 5-10-15-20 years down the line they letting everyone know what all those on the outside looking in knew. People as a whole are not that hard to figure out...if you take off the glasses and take a look at what the present day situation is alot of times people will say...yeah, I knew back when such and such did this that this wasn't going to work but I was bent on trying...so in the end who's time gets wasted yours or theirs? But thats a whole new thread...

Taking the time to talk to people on a deep level, whatever their background, solves a whole host of problems.


Forgive me, but in thinking some more about the whole "hit dog" thing, I think that projection is going both ways. I think that there are people who do not simply value their upbringing for the good that it brought to their lives, but they also place a lot of their own worth as a person on the fact thereof. People who believe that their having a certain kind of background is a big part of what makes them desireable, valuable, or of "higher stock."

So, necessarily, when someone comes along and implies that the fact of their background is not actually what's essential to being desireable, valuable, or of "higher stock," that whole construct is threatened. 'Cause really, I'm hard pressed to actually find anyone in this thread saying that 2-parent homes aren't good or preferable for children, so there's little reason to decry the terrible standards of bw. But maybe I hear some indignation at the implication that coming from a 2-parent home doesn't automatically give you, an adult who is responsible for your own choices, relationships and character extra points on the worthy scale. jmho.

I'm in a contrary mood...

 

[biancaelyse]

Thanks to MzRhonda and Zaynab for their posts. I hope that my daughters gravitate towards dating someone with similar values to ours for these very reasons.

When you are marrying for life, it's important to not only marry the man that is a good father but he needs to be someone that you can be happy with once your kids are grown and gone.

 

[Latomian]

that comparison doesnt make sense to me at all

why is race being placed in your comparison btw. Are you implying majority of black women are OOW babies/single parent raised kids?

You just took that WAYYY out of context. WOW. I wasn't even thinking about that at ALL, lol.

I just meant that she has her dating preferences, as some men have their dating preferences about black women. You can only attribute it to the person and the situation.

LOL...Now that's TOOO funny.

 

[Mortons]

I, for one, take a lot of what women say they "must have" with a grain of salt. I believe that if most women meet a man who treats them well, exhibits the characteristics they really want, and proposes, his momma and daddies status will go right out of the window.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I, for one, take a lot of what women say they "must have" with a grain of salt. I believe that if most women meet a man who treats them well, exhibits the characteristics they really want, and proposes, his momma and daddies status will go right out of the window.

Gurl I had to let you have my purple color for that one...Can I get an AMEN on that...wait how much salt???!

 

[<3Curlz]

I was raised in a 2parent home till I was 17(my dad lives 5mins away since then and is very involved in my life) but it dosent really matter to me. My "best" friend tries to tell me that a lot of men like to be with a female that wasn't really raised by her dad. Makes it seem as tho she depends on her bf a lot lol

 

[locabouthair]

I think the disconnect in this thread is that there are women saying that they are looking for a MAN who was raised in a two parent home because that man would have grown up seeing a man's role in a marriage.

The problem with women getting upset with that preference is that those of us with that view are not trying to date or marry you.

A woman growing up without a father in the home has completely separate issues than a man who grows up without a father. YOU - the poster who is offended didn't need a father to teach you how to be a man, right?

A man's daddy issues play out differently than a woman's.

You're right and I see the points that are made in this thread.

I really can't see why people are getting so worked up over this comment. Did you not know that we are all constantly being knocked out of the dating game by others based on other things that we may or may not be able to control? Skin color? Height? Weight? Shoe size? Personal style? Body shape? Accent? Hair color? Eye color? The list is endless and can include some of the most trivial things you couldn't even imagine. Why worry about that kind of stuff, especially things you can't change (like what type of household you were brought up in)? Everyone isn't going to be interested in you for whatever reason. Everyone is entitled to their own personal preferences. You should only worry about those that are interested in you.

You're absolutely right. The only reason I got "worked up" is because I felt that people were saying/implying that you're less than because you grew up with one parent. BUT I do see the points made in the thread about how lack of a father can affect a man. And even though I got too sensitive, I'm glad this thread was started. I never had a preference about a guy's background but it's given me something to think about.

Now what if a man was raised by his father but his mother wasn't around would that still be a dealbreaker?

 

[UmSumayyah]

You're right and I see the points that are made in this thread.



You're absolutely right. The only reason I got "worked up" is because I felt that people were saying/implying that you're less than because you grew up with one parent. BUT I do see the points made in the thread about how lack of a father can affect a man. And even though I got too sensitive, I'm glad this thread was started. I never had a preference about a guy's background but it's given me something to think about.

Now what if a man was raised by his father but his mother wasn't around would that still be a dealbreaker?

Personally, having a guy that came from a 2-parent household wasn't on my list, and wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me. I hadn't thought about it either way, though dh does come from that environment.
I had other stuff, like
-no kids
-no promiscuity
-financially responsible
-no prison record

I do believe people should look at the environments/traits/circumstances that generally provide the best outcomes, all the while being open to the exceptions that you might stumble upon. (Running after every "unlikely" hoping that it will be an exception is a poor use of time though).

I do think that a guy raised by a single dad is likely to have an easier time being a good husband than one raised by a single mom. All other things being equal.

 

[Bachelorette]

Well that sort of thinking will certainly shorten the available suitor pool for you single women who buy into to this way of thinking. What are the stats again for the % of BW who will never be married or engaged?

The arrogance of Americans

You hold monopoly on black men?

maybe shorten the pool of YOUR type of men

 

[Bachelorette]

I, for one, take a lot of what women say they "must have" with a grain of salt. I believe that if most women meet a man who treats them well, exhibits the characteristics they really want, and proposes, his momma and daddies status will go right out of the window.

well as you've seen from some posters, all that is "cute" at first, after marriage is when you finally see the truth aka usually how their upbringing affected them.

 

[biancaelyse]

I agree with the point made in several posts stating that growing up without a male parent impacts women differently than it does men. I'll take it even further.

I think it is important for young men to grow up around men that are happily married and see marriage as something positive. So many men, even men that have fathers in their lives, don't have good examples of what it is to be a husband, how to have a healthy longterm relationship with one woman.

Now I'm thinking that I should have had more kids LOL!!