Not Dating Men Raised by Single Mothers

[MissJ]

How did you get all that from what she said? erplexed

I didn't. I simply asked some questions.

 

[Bachelorette]

I dont and never will.

Not how I was raised. Not my culture/mentality to accept such.

Since Im not a lesbian, dont really care if other women have a problem with my preferences

 

[MissJ]

My BF is from a single parent home--his parents divorced when he was 13, but his dad wasn't much of a father before that and his mother wasn't much of a mother before that either. However, that has not negatively affected him when it comes to views on gender roles or being the perfect gentleman. Even my parents love him and that's saying alot. So I would say that I would choose to date a man raised by a single mother based on his own character and choices.

If his father wasn't much of a father, and his mother wasn't much of a mother, who was doing the parenting? That is so sad.

 

[MissJ]

The problem was that he told you in the beginning what his views were and you chose to continue the relationship. A man from a 2 parent household could easily have the same views.

It's best to discuss these issues early in the relationship so that you know what a man's views are and whether they are similar to your own. The issue is how a person is raised and what kind of values are instilled in them as a child. Whether they had 1 parent, 2 parents, or no parents isn't as important, IMO.

I haven't found men from 2 parent households to be any more devoted, loving, protecting, or faithful that anyone else. Sometimes they are actually worse, especially if they came from a household where mom did everything and dad's only responsibility was to pay the bills. That's a huge turn-off for me, but it doesn't mean that all men from 2 parent homes make bad husbands. Again, it just depends on how they were raised.

At the time, I was young and probably didn't think I believed in gender roles, either. I was probably like, "Yeah, my ex-boyfriend use to cook for me. He also cleaned my house and did my laundry before unprompted." But then after I experienced what it meant to truly not believe in gender roles. No, correction, to truly not know what gender roles are, because I believe he was totally clueless, I have changed my mind 100%.

I have to add that the guy's father was a graduate from Stanford Law School, and that's like the #3 law school in the country. He divorced the mother, never paid child support, and my ex said that he only saw him like once every four years. Well, we lived in a college town at the time, and one day my ex got a phone call. It was from his father. Then he started giving his father directions... to my apartment. When he got off the phone, he told me that his dad was in town for some kind of law conference, and he was on his way to my apartment. How could he just invite someone to my apartment?

Anyway, the dad spent a few days in town. One day, I went over to my ex's apartment, and the dad was there. The ex and his roommates were talking about a snake they had seen outside. When it was time for me to leave, my ex was like joking and laughing about the snake, like it was something funny. His dad told him not to do that and told him to get up and walk me out of the house. His dad was showing him how to be a protector of a woman. I couldn't help but think how this guy would have turned out if his father were around on a daily basis to give him lessons like that, either explicitly or by example.

 

[MissJ]

I don't know if I ever read this thread back in the day, but I found this while looking for the other thread. At the time, I would not have agreed with this, but now I see how eerily similar my views are on this subject now. This is from rozlips. She seems to have analyzed this subject to death, and it is interesting to read.

Whoa Nelly ladies, I hate to break it to y'all, but its not a woman's responsibility to raise a son. Any woman who knows anything about men will tell you that for the most part a woman cannot raise a boy to be a man. So instead of dumping responsibility for this mess at women's feet (as usual), we might try looking at the real problem: All these so-called men who have abdicated their responsibility and leave women to raise children alone. I don't know where we get the idea that somehow black women are hermaphroditic and capable of impregnating themselves. Just like we don't get ourselves pregnant, we shouldn't have to bear the responsibility for child-rearing alone. It's a two-way street, and unfortunately, we've been doing it by ourselves for so long that folks assume that's the way it has to be.

I didn't say that a woman couldn't raise a man alone, I said it wasn't her RESPONSIBILITY TO DO SO. Previous posters made it seem as though somehow if a man didn't grow up right then it was a woman's fault. I merely pointed out that the overwhelming majority of black men grow up with only half as many parents as a child needs to reach maturity. Is it surprising then that so many of them are ****ed in the head? Is that women's fault? I submit to you that its not.

It's not her responsibility because from a biological standpoint she's not capable of doing it. Please don't forget that when its all said and done we're still primates. A woman's instinct is to cater to and pamper her children. To protect them from harm. That's all well and good to a point, but its a male's instinct to take advantage when an opportunity arises. Therefore, a male who is catered to will take advantage of that when its presented to him. If there's no alpha male present in the home, then any male there will attempt to become the alpha male. It is the responsibility of the fathers to protect the mother from her natural instinct to cater to her child. Some women are able to overcome their biological instincts, others are not. I say its not her responsibility, because its not. If there's no adult male present she will do the best she can, but for the most part, only a man can teach a boy to be a man. When a woman raises a boy he sees her doing everything and assumes that's a woman's role, to do everything. He doesn't understand gender roles. A woman can talk until she's blue in the face, but he's going to do what he sees; a woman being both male and female and that's what he's going to seek out when he becomes an adult male.

Many times young men actually resent being told what to do by a woman, this is why in many cultures women give their sons over to their fathers for rearing when they reach a certain age. My moms essentially did this when my brothers were old enough to 'smell themselves' so to speak. When these young men grow up with women as their chief disciplinarian that resentment festers and you end up with a young man who hates/resents women especially women who remind him of his mother. You ask why black men think white/bright/etc... is better, look to the fact that his mother had to raise him alone, and he grew up resenting that, and therefore rejects anything that reminds him of her. This is especially true when moms becomes overly harsh or dictatorial because of the stress of serving two roles. That's where all this nonsense about black women being ball-breakers come from.

I don't know what your media comments are about. I don't recall making any comments about the media.


First let me clear up, the media comment was not directed at you personally, just my response to a previous statement by another poster. But, on to what your saying, I really cant understand, why a man will grow up to resent a strong Black women, with the capablity to rear a Black man (having the essential qualities a man should have). How can you turn a negative outta that?

As for the color complexes our Black man have, I have to agree and lay that at the feet of the mothers. More times than not, its the mom hung up on skin color, and directing the sons AND daughters on picking mates that are fair skinned. I know a girl whos' mother told her not to have children by a man who is as dark as her father, cause the kids will be dark, an nappy haired. Her mom was very fair skinned and her father is dark, so guess what she did... She found this guy who is half native American and Black (His mom is full Native American, and father Black. Had two kids by him. The funny thing is deep down see was/is attracted to men that dark skinned like her father, and only dated darked skinned guys. But, when it came time to have the babies, well.....

Actually its a man's instinct to take care of his children as long as he wants the mother. Once he doesn't want the mother anymore, as far as he's concerned the kids can disappear too. Haven't you ever seen these situations where a man will abandon his own kids, hook up with a woman and take care of her children, but not his own? Again, men are opportunistic and will do whatever it takes to get them what they want.

How is it chauvinistic to say that men have as much responsibility to raise their sons as women do? The previous posters were making it seem that somehow if boys got screwed up it was wholly women's fault. I merely pointed out that for the most part its almost impossible for a woman (especially a woman who has no male role models to begin with) to teach a boy to be a man. A woman can try her best to teach her sons to respect women, but if he has no examples to go by he's not going to learn. Children learn from what we do, not by what we say.

He grew up in a two parent home where the father cheated on the mother. By definition his dad taught him to disrespect women. Her husband who was supposed to be there to protect her from exploitation by her son was too busy out sthupping other women to fulfill his role, yet somehow its mom's fault? Again, black women are not hermaphroditic, if the man is not there to fulfill his role a woman has to cope in the only way she knows how. And oftentimes her actions are inadequate, but she most assuredly shouldn't be the only one who takes the blame.

And again, a woman can tell her son when they're doing wrong until the cows come home. But if there's no man there to demonstrate the behavior for them, in most likelihood its going to fall on deaf ears.

Yes, we can lament all day on how things ought to be. A woman should be able to raise a decent son alone, but I believe in dealing with things as they are, and its been demonstrated time and time again, that it just isn't happening.

More discussion within the thread: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=63428&highlight=feet&page=2

 

[amara11]

It not just about having interaction with the father.

It's also about seeing/witnessing certain interactions between a man and a wife. This is of course assuming those interactions are positive and fit the type of model the woman is looking for. I don't think the exceptions/anecdotes dismiss the significance of this issue.

 

[butter_pecan]

My FH was raised by only his mom. He's loving, a good listener, attentive, playful. Basically, the spitting image (personality) of his mom, but more masculine traits. I wouldn't take him any other way. The best man I've ever been with.

I've dated more men in 2-parent homes who were douchebags.

 

[rere32]

I agree. I know guys who were raised with both parents in the house but the father was not active with the kids. The kids basically saw their mother doing everything from working an 8 hour day to coming home to cook,clean and take care of them. All the while the father is in the living room watching tv..

 

[Bachelorette]

and there are guys who've date raped in college, guess college educated guys are out.

Enough already.

 

[lushcoils]

Wow. If you only date black men and don't date men raised by single mothers, you're not going to have a lot of options.

 

[rafikichick92]

If his father wasn't much of a father, and his mother wasn't much of a mother, who was doing the parenting? That is so sad.

No one really. A mentally retarded lady watched him when he was a kid and once he was old enough to fend for himself that's pretty much what he did. His mom would let him go to parties with alcohol and drugs present when he was 16 and 17. She didn't care if he drank; she would just say, "I don't care what you do, just don't drive drunk".

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Rozlips had it down 100% fully correct. It's sad how bad things have gotten that we (as a collective) need this basic FACT broken down for us. ITA with everything she said.

The comment about how women tend to spoil, pamper and protect while men are more stern and concerned about enforcing the rules with boys is SO true in my home. DH calls DS "The Potentate" and jokes that I would carry him around on a litter if I could ... now he never had a problem with me spoiling DD that way well, maybe a little. But he is sure to enforce responsible behavior with DS, he praises him to the skies when he sees DS showing kindness and gentleness and he will come down on him when he acts up. I'm always interceding on his behalf lol. If DH wasn't here, I know DS would be too spoiled and not as responsible due to an overload of mommy love

 

[kbragg]

Single or two parent home I personally would not EVER want to date a man who had a superwoman type mom They could be a two parent home but the dad is a doormat and the woman just rules over the jellyfish of a man. And Jesus take the wheel if the boy is an only child

My ex was like this. Every thing was my momma did this my momma cooked this, well marry yo mamma then And Jesus lead me home these women are the monsters in laws from hell Always in your business talking about how you trapped their son. Oh yes high school drop out in and out of jail and physically abusive, what a catch

Single parent home doesn't matter lol. Check and see if the daddy is a jelly fish and momma is superwoman carrying around her son the Messiah on a litter....then RUUUUUUUUUN!!!

 

[Bachelorette]

Wow. If you only date black men and don't date men raised by single mothers, you're not going to have a lot of options.

America isnt the only country with black men.

 

[lushcoils]

America isnt the only country with black men.

Well if most black women experience what LHCFers have in that culture thread, international men are a no-no.

 

[amara11]

Well if most black women experience what LHCFers have in that culture thread, international men are a no-no.

You're serious?
-------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway I think women should stop concerning themselves with what limits other women's dating pools. Many folks would be surprised to find that the ratios aren't as lopsided as we pretend when all factors are considered.

 

[Bachelorette]

Well if most black women experience what LHCFers have in that culture thread, international men are a no-no.

maybe the problem is them.

 

[dannie]

Single or two parent home I personally would not EVER want to date a man who had a superwoman type mom They could be a two parent home but the dad is a doormat and the woman just rules over the jellyfish of a man. And Jesus take the wheel if the boy is an only child

My ex was like this. Every thing was my momma did this my momma cooked this, well marry yo mamma then And Jesus lead me home these women are the monsters in laws from hell Always in your business talking about how you trapped their son. Oh yes high school drop out in and out of jail and physically abusive, what a catch

Single parent home doesn't matter lol. Check and see if the daddy is a jelly fish and momma is superwoman carrying around her son the Messiah on a litter....then RUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Because thank you is not enough.

Idk about the 2 parent vs single thing, but I'll be damned if I date another momma's boy. Hell.to.the.no

 

[MissJ]

Wow. If you only date black men and don't date men raised by single mothers, you're not going to have a lot of options.

I get approached by men who are not black, and I don't have a problem with dating men who are not black.

 

[lushcoils]

I get approached by men who are not black, and I don't have a problem with dating men who are not black.

Well, you're good to go.

 

[sharifeh]

It not just about having interaction with the father.

It's also about seeing/witnessing certain interactions between a man and a wife. This is of course assuming those interactions are positive and fit the type of model the woman is looking for. I don't think the exceptions/anecdotes dismiss the significance of this issue.

Pretty soon, someone is going to mention Obama. It's kind of like the millionaire garbage man. People will always have anecdotes and exceptions, but they still don't want to get the main point that people are trying to make, which is a very valid one.

 

[awhyley]

Single or two parent home I personally would not EVER want to date a man who had a superwoman type mom They could be a two parent home but the dad is a doormat and the woman just rules over the jellyfish of a man. And Jesus take the wheel if the boy is an only child

Or worse, the oldest of the pack. My dad was the oldest of eight, and he would boss them around like it was nobody's business when his mama (my grammy) was out at work. They had to do EVERYTHING! Some of them don't speak to him to this day.

My ex was like this. Every thing was my momma did this my momma cooked this, well marry yo mamma then And Jesus lead me home these women are the monsters in laws from hell Always in your business talking about how you trapped their son. Oh yes high school drop out in and out of jail and physically abusive, what a catch

Or worse, how they did this and that while raising a family, and why can't you be more this and that, etc., etc., etc. At first, I thought the single-mother issue was to blame for the problem, but from personal experience, I can see how either way the issue stems from the home, period.

Single parent home doesn't matter lol. Check and see if the daddy is a jelly fish and momma is superwoman carrying around her son the Messiah on a litter....then RUUUUUUUUUN!!!

THIS.IS.TRUTH!!! I admire superwoman women, but I'd never want to date/marry their sons.

 

[ladylibra_30]

I don't know if this has been mentioned in this thread but I'd like to see comments from women who are involved/married to men who are "surrogate husbands" to their single, divorced, widowed mothers. What challenges, if any, have you experienced in your rlshp? Does the mother impose? Is she dependent on him financially? And for attention/company when she is lonely? Does she emasculate him? Does she do everything for him?

I hope this question is considered related to the topic (in my mind it is)

TIA

 

[MissJ]

Single or two parent home I personally would not EVER want to date a man who had a superwoman type mom They could be a two parent home but the dad is a doormat and the woman just rules over the jellyfish of a man. And Jesus take the wheel if the boy is an only child

My ex was like this. Every thing was my momma did this my momma cooked this, well marry yo mamma then And Jesus lead me home these women are the monsters in laws from hell Always in your business talking about how you trapped their son. Oh yes high school drop out in and out of jail and physically abusive, what a catch

Single parent home doesn't matter lol. Check and see if the daddy is a jelly fish and momma is superwoman carrying around her son the Messiah on a litter....then RUUUUUUUUUN!!!

How soon would you be able to find out the dynamics of the family, though? I'd assumed you'd have be dating the guy for quite a while to witness this.

 

[MissJ]

Because thank you is not enough.

Idk about the 2 parent vs single thing, but I'll be damned if I date another momma's boy. Hell.to.the.no

I think that goes without saying. Who wants a mama's boy? I use to think it was good for a man to be close to his mother, but sometimes they can be too close for comfort.

 

[shenitab]

When it comes to people, I try hard NOT to make generalizations. I think it is best to determine whether or not to date someone based on THAT PERSON. It doesn't take anything more than time and conversation to see where a person's head is at.

My husband's parents divorced when he was young and he was pretty much raised between the houses. So would he be described as being raised by a single mother or by a single father.

I think that he has had to overcome issues due more to things that have happened to him in his past irrespective of who raised him. He didn't have a lot of money when he was young, so he was totally focused on making boo-koo dollars. I had to let him know that he also needed to enjoy life and spend time with his family as well. When the kids were little I think he also had slight tendencies to overindulge the children with toys and stuff. However, I think a lot of parents do that and we have come to a compromise.

I don't really agree that a person always needs to "see" a good relationship first hand in order to know how to cultivate one. In my family, I did not "see" anyone who attended college first hand, but I still went on to attend and to graduate. I also "saw" incidents of teenage pregnancy, crime, and other tomfoolery - those things showed me what I did not want to happen to me.

I was born out of wedlock and my parents married when I was too. They are still married. In some ways their marriage is good, and in some ways there is a lot of tomfoolery going on. I can't say that I would make someone a better wife just because I come from a two parent family and another chick comes from a single parent household. Making the same generalizations about men, just doesn't make sense to me.

There are a lot of things that women need to be aware of, look out for, and be on standby to address if they decide to enter into a relationship with someone. However, putting people into categories like that is not what I believe is right. Think about all the generalizations that were made about black people.

 

[yods]

LHCF is such a place of contradictions! Between some that think that single mothers shouldn't date until their kids are in University to protect their kids from this, that or the other. So in your view the single mothers that choose not to date while raising their kids are doing the kids a disservice?

I don't agree with generalisations, heck I have seen siblings with one family (single parent or not) make completely different choices in their lives. People are affected by their environments but their innate personalities completely determines how they react to situations. One soldier can suffer from extreme post traumatic stress after a war and have a mental breakdown, while another can go home to his family and still function as normal while trying to heal his deep scars.

Anyway you have to do what is good for you. One thing I am curious about though is this. If you find a mate and it didn't work out for reasons beyond your control and you end up being a single mother at some point (which statistically is a significant probability), what would you do? Would you date?

 

[Aviah]

^ Well according to some of the sentiment expressed in this thread, your kids are the "black sheep" of dating and in theory should not be in a relationship. Particularly your sons.

 

[The Girl]

^ Well according to some of the sentiment expressed in this thread, your kids are the "black sheep" of dating and in theory should not be in a relationship. Particularly your sons.

Correct me if I am wrong but I think that only applies to sons of over domineering moms. NOT moms who let their sons be their own man..the only one to be offended is the mom who raises her son to be ALL the things she never had in a man but ONLY for her....hope that made sense?

 

[jwhitley6]

Can someone comment on their experience with men raised by single fathers? I'm kinda interested in someone who hasn't had much interaction with his mother since he was 12 or 13.

I hear people say, "make sure he has a good relationship with his mother"...but what does that really mean? I do think he may have some issues accepting love, though he desperately wants it (perhaps abandonment issues?). Thoughts??