Only dating people who are raised in a two-parent home

[biancaelyse]

See, I didn't even see that part! Guess because I'm not seeing it as a mother.

The story was supposed to be about the bond between a mother and son as the son ended his college football career and how his mother's love got him to that point. It definitely did a good job of that, but if one looks at it in a different context, like you said, it could be interesting to see how he transitions into a relationship and the difficulties that could ensue on both sides with the strong bonds present in that relationship.

As far as I know, I've never seen him with a serious girlfriend either...

Exactly. I'm sure that there is something that I don't get about this also since I am not a single mom and was not raised by a single mom so their dynamic is not something that I'd easily relate to. As much as I'm a daddy's girl at heart, I never had issues bonding with my husband or putting him 1st.


ETA - If he's in college then it may be too soon for him to have a serious girlfriend. I hope that whenver the time comes, he is able to be the man he is supposed to be and not too caught up with his mother.

Kudos to Mom in doing all that she did to get her son to this point. Hopefully now she can let him go do his thing and start focusing more on herself and what she wants to do with her life.

 

[jamaraa]

Perhaps we DO agree Bunny. I've been reading these so called Black Women's Empowerment blogs and find myself quite frustrated. These blogs focus on "expanding options" yet offer no real insight on how to do that and what challenges this will involve. Realisticaly, many BW aren't going to find this easy for tons of reasons. This is why I said what I did about finding out about HOW to pursue your goals, whatever they are. I'm not seeing enough of that.

People can WANT to go to Harvard and you can encourage them to do it, but if they have no idea of what they need to attain this goal or any idea of what attaining it will involve, it's simply not cutting the mustard IMHO.

 

[Bunny77]

Perhaps we DO agree Bunny. I've been reading these so called Black Women's Empowerment blogs and find myself quite frustrated. These blogs focus on "expanding options" yet offer no real insight on how to do that and what challenges this will involve. Realisticaly, many BW aren't going to find this easy for tons of reasons. This is why I said what I did about finding out about HOW to pursue your goals, whatever they are. I'm not seeing enough of that.

Cool, let's discuss this then.

I've read the same blogs, and I have been seeing discussion of ways to broaden one's circle in general... They don't say to just go out and get a white boy (and I don't say that either... I'm not into IR only... Love all men!)... but they mention the mental and physical process that BW must first take to rid themselves of negative thinking about relationships. It's also suggested that they physically remove themselves from emotionally draining environments that are hostile to a BW's goal of marriage and family. Then they do mention dating tips, etc.

What other challenges are you thinking of? (Genuine question with no sarcasm whatsoever!) I grant as well that it could be more challenging for some BW over others, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.

 

[jamaraa]

I know what they suggest. The challenges I'm speaking of are mostly cultural. Simply removing yourself physically from an environment is not enough to transition culturally into another one. Frankly, I think they should encourage BW to befriend more non BW for starters. Why? To observe how the dating/mating game works in venues outside of the BC. It simply doesn't work the same. After all, how many BW are puzzled as to whether or not a guy's interested in them? Then they come to oher culturally isolated BW to ask their opinions on the matter. They're judging by how they are usually approached by BM which is quite a different matter. They need to see it in action, have people who understand "the codes", and how it's approrpiate to respond to it. Culturally isolated BW simply don't have this advantage.

Given the cultural differences, this is like telling someone to go to France and study law...w/o knowing French!

I also don't understand the hostility towards non BW, esp biracials. LOL...if they "marry out" what exactly do they think they'll get? Biracials will be a reality for BW that marry out, so if you're gonna encourage one thing, you gotta encourage the other IMHO.

BW, IMHO, are far too culturally isolated w/in the BC. I see encouraging more isolation as being counterproductive. After all, BW aren't the only ones reading that stuff. Why should a man want to marry a woman if he think she can't get along w/ women in HIS community, including the women in his family and acquaintance?

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

IMO...just using the story that Bunny posted...when the mother read the article I would like to think that she called her son to explain 2 things. That 1 a mother's role and a wife's role are 2 separate roles. That 2 the idea is not to have a superwoman...that was never her (mother's goal originally)...to be single raising a man but that she had to play superwoman to make sure he had everything that needed to succeed...but thats not what a marriage is about...the woman playing a superwoman role while the man is....

I think parents play a role in shaping/forming of their children opinions so that once they leave home their outlook on life/relationship/associations is not skewered and they have a healthy idea of what a true relationship involves. Its starts with teaching from home...single or 2-parent...But I also want world peace....I'll be dead and long gone

 

[UmSumayyah]

I know what they suggest. The challenges I'm speaking of are mostly cultural. Simply removing yourself physically from an environment is not enough to transition culturally into another one. Frankly, I think they should encourage BW to befriend more non BW for starters. Why? To observe how the dating/mating game works in venues outside of the BC. It simply doesn't work the same. After all, how many BW are puzzled as to whether or not a guy's interested in them? Then they come to oher culturally isolated BW to ask their opinions on the matter. They're judging by how they are usually approached by BM which is quite a different matter. They need to see it in action, have people who understand "the codes", and how it's approrpiate to respond to it. Culturally isolated BW simply don't have this advantage.

Given the cultural differences, this is like telling someone to go to France and study law...w/o knowing French!

I also don't understand the hostility towards non BW, esp biracials. LOL...if they "marry out" what exactly do they think they'll get? Biracials will be a reality for BW that marry out, so if you're gonna encourage one thing, you gotta encourage the other IMHO.

BW, IMHO, are far too culturally isolated w/in the BC. I see encouraging more isolation as being counterproductive. After all, BW aren't the only ones reading that stuff. Why should a man want to marry a woman if he think she can't get along w/ women in HIS community, including the women in his family and acquaintance?

Rev. Lisa's got a discussion going on related to this topic currently.

 

[jamaraa]

Which one is "Rev Lisa"?

 

[UmSumayyah]

The "blow the trumpet" blog. Don't link to her, she has a policy against that.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I know what they suggest. The challenges I'm speaking of are mostly cultural. Simply removing yourself physically from an environment is not enough to transition culturally into another one. Frankly, I think they should encourage BW to befriend more non BW for starters. Why? To observe how the dating/mating game works in venues outside of the BC. It simply doesn't work the same. After all, how many BW are puzzled as to whether or not a guy's interested in them? Then they come to oher culturally isolated BW to ask their opinions on the matter. They're judging by how they are usually approached by BM which is quite a different matter. They need to see it in action, have people who understand "the codes", and how it's approrpiate to respond to it. Culturally isolated BW simply don't have this advantage.

Given the cultural differences, this is like telling someone to go to France and study law...w/o knowing French!

I also don't understand the hostility towards non BW, esp biracials. LOL...if they "marry out" what exactly do they think they'll get? Biracials will be a reality for BW that marry out, so if you're gonna encourage one thing, you gotta encourage the other IMHO.

BW, IMHO, are far too culturally isolated w/in the BC. I see encouraging more isolation as being counterproductive. After all, BW aren't the only ones reading that stuff. Why should a man want to marry a woman if he think she can't get along w/ women in HIS community, including the women in his family and acquaintance?

Oh....you so hit bunch of nails on the head with that one line...and here is my why...

When I see threads/posts of I'm so loney and I have no friends what comes to mine is the isolation that one has brought to themselves. An example for me is all my BW friends will go get advice from each other first and after so many failed attempts because they tend to go in a circle with their negatives does my advice take a front seat...but I had to be last in line for it to be given at all.. if that makes any sense.

I grew up with a family that befriended everyone no matter the relationship, race, status quo and etc...So naturally as we became grown we have practiced the same. I always tell people that if they are living in a box its because they put themselves there...plain and simple. If you have only 5 female friends for example and 3 is involved in a relationship/married and you are single and would like to go out and the other 2 single w/kids.

The chances for you to have friends to spend time going out with is slim however if you expand your network to other races just alone you can not only see different cultures in actions, you gain more knowledge about oneself but also expand your network of people your connected to and increase your chances of exposure to what you want in regards to preferences/standards...

Sorry off topic...maybe not so much...but it was a great point!

 

[jamaraa]

Oh....you so hit bunch of nails on the head with that one line...and here is my why...

When I see threads/posts of I'm so loney and I have no friends what comes to mine is the isolation that one has brought to themselves. An example for me is all my BW friends will go get advice from each other first and after so many failed attempts because they tend to go in a circle with their negatives does my advice take a front seat...but I had to be last in line for it to be given at all.. if that makes any sense.

I grew up with a family that befriended everyone no matter the relationship, race, status quo and etc...So naturally as we became grown we have practiced the same. I always tell people that if they are living in a box its because they put themselves there...plain and simple. If you have only 5 female friends for example and 3 is involved in a relationship/married and you are single and would like to go out and the other 2 single w/kids.

The chances for you to have friends to spend time going out with is slim however if you expand your network to other races just alone you can not only see different cultures in actions, you gain more knowledge about oneself but also expand your network of people your connected to and increase your chances of exposure to what you want in regards to preferences/standards...

Sorry off topic...maybe not so much...but it was a great point!

It's not OT for me cuz that's the whole thing. If you want a mate who grew up in a two parent family, you have to go where they grow them!

Having friends of different backgrounds offers so many more opportunities for all sorts of experiences, good and bad. Many BW are lonely because all they see are other lonely BW. Their social lives are extremely narrow...all Black churches and orgs are where you tend to find many BW (and BM too). Very few non Blacks are going to these venues, so your experience is reinforced, not enhanced and varied. Nothing wrong w/ these venues, but if you're seeking something specific that isn't usually there, well you can't complain if you don't get it!

You can't be too focused on the failings of your community and think that somehow helps you understand the pluses/minuses of another community. You have to get out and observe for yourself and interact w/ people of those communities. LOL...why should I take the opinion of a carpenter about pulling teeth? Like I said about "two parent mates" the quality of BOTH of those parents count as much as the fact that he lived w/ both. Many times people from two parent homes aren't what they're cracked up to be on paper. Discrenment should never go out of the window.

 

[MizAvalon]

Great story about mother and son but what I found even more compelling is the story being told between the lines. I feel for any girl that this man dates or marries since that mother/son bond appears to be so tight. Hopefully Momma can step back when he decides to settle down.

I agree with this.

 

[MizAvalon]

My advice on this is the same for single mothers as it is for married mothers. You still need to maintain a sense of who you are outside of being a mother. I understand the sacrifices that have to be made to raise a child however at some point the child grows up and needs to have their own life independent of yours.

IMO it is not best to be so consumed by your child that you cease to exist as a person. That is the vibe I got from the article that Bunny posted. That this young man even questioned his ability to bond with a woman as a wife becasue he was still so attached to his mother.

ETA - Ditto for the son. I can certainly see how/why mother and son are very close as he grows up but at some point he needs to be able to bond with a wife in a healthy way such that there is not competition and jealousy between his wife and his mother. Each one has a unique role and is important in her own right. Once he gets married, he should be putting his wife first and the mother should fall back and allow them to build their own family.

As far as what you do as a single mom, maximize his exposure to men that are good husbands and fathers. Get him into a mentoring program if possible. Minimize time around men that aren't doing what they are supposed to be.

I agree with this. Sooo many mothers(single AND married) are like this. They hover, they smother, they enable, they don't know how to cut the apron strings. They do the women of the world a great disservice because no woman worth her salt is trying to be bothered with some overgrown Mama's boy who is constantly comparing you to someone that is impossible for you to live up to or his overbearing Mother.

Want to drive women away? Or make the one who does decide to stay miserable? Keep it up.

 

[UmSumayyah]

just felt like bumping this today.