Ladies Who Married Strictly(Or Even Mostly) For Love, Would You Do It Again?

[tiara76]

I think what made me want to leave is just being a self-saboteur. I am embarrassed to admit that. When I was younger I would subconciously find ways to get myself let go from jobs as I was moving up the ladder. In my marriage, I've done that as well. When things were going great, I'd pick a fight, cheat (I know that is horrible), find ways to cause turmoil. I discovered that I didn't love myself and that I truly felt safe in drama. Maybe because it's all I knew growing up.

I remember when I met my husband I would complain he didn't tease me enough. Every guy I was with, would make fun of my voice, my valley girl ways, and whatever else they thought was negative about me.

Believe it or not, this bad side of me is something I struggle with still from time-to-time. This year though, something happened when I turned 30. It's like I just woke up and said, "NO MORE," and have really turned over a new leaf.

self honesty is great, self acceptance is great.....to do it without judgement and projection is what will really help the process of moving all the obstacles away from realizing self love....remove all the bolded words from that above paragraph and it really sounds like a person moving into love....anytime we still carry judgements on ourselves and our actions is as long as we will subconsciously keep creating "punishments" for ourselves even in our self acceptance

 

[Lady Esquire]

For me and DH, it was lust at first sight. We were young, dumb, and full of …(I’ll keep it clean). But without much effort, quickly I realized his grind for life complimented mine. He had a lot of common sense and to me that was sexier than any of the other bull. The relationship took its natural course from those two major aspects. So looking back, I guess it was more of a pragmatic decision on both our parts.

DH’s parents were together for 20+ excruciating years. Then he saw his older sisters duplicate that same brain damage. DH’s take-away from all of that was, years and love alone just ain’t enough. If the foundational elements are missing, then love ain’t worth a damn.
I was lucky enough to see love, dysfunction, and divorce from a young age, twice. My parents divorced when I was 7, after being together for 2 decades. Each parent remarried immediately. My dad married a sidepiece and those two lived unhappily for 25 years, until she died this year. My mom divorced her second husband when I was 15, after 8 years of marriage. I had a front row seat to those relationships from conception to end. As an observant kid, it was like reading my own “How to Muck Up a Marriage” self-help book, in 3D.

When I married, it was not because I was crazy in love all gaga-eyed. He had looks, drive and serious life partner-potential. This month makes 13 years since we’ve been together. The love has definitely grown, by leaps. And to me, that’s the definition of love. Its not dead end, its not teeny-bopper foolery. Its not blind. How the heck can that sustain? Movies last for 2 hours, yet people base their definition of love on that.

The poster who said partnership and friendship are first is dead on. You need some foundational constants. For instance: there was a period when I secretly wanted to ball up my fist and knock DH the hell out. Yet other periods, when I was like, “Wow, I love this man.” And over time, we added a stronger brick to the foundation as the love grew. Romantic love alone could not withstand that ebb and flow.

Because the two more foundational aspects are on lock, that makes the love really real. Not just some flutter in my stomach or some moisture in my panties, I know its substantial and has a better chance of sustaining. I hope.

 

[ambergirl]

self honesty is great, self acceptance is great.....to do it without judgement and projection is what will really help the process of moving all the obstacles away from realizing self love....remove all the bolded words from that above paragraph and it really sounds like a person moving into love....anytime we still carry judgements on ourselves and our actions is as long as we will subconsciously keep creating "punishments" for ourselves even in our self acceptance

Tiara you sound like a metaphysician (maybe SOM or Unity)?

 

[Lucie]

Wow girl, your man sounds like a pretty good guy, particularly his being supportive and accepting of who you are and who you want to be. He sounds like a pretty laid back guy...(maybe career wise too?)...and maybe that might why you're questioning and a little restless? I have a friend who married a laid- back white guy too and she's struggling with the same thing. For her his whole relaxed attitude kind of killed passion (not drama but you know throw-down gotta have it right now passion ) in the relationship.

I so hear you on the self-sabotaging part. I self-sabotage all the time...it's fear...but sometimes its hard to move beyond it even when you know that's what you're doing. If you (not you specifically, just a general "you" because I see myself in some of this) hold a belief that relationships are about drama, if drama's not going on, you may wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. In a way when you create the drama you also control it.

Wow! Thank you so much for the bold face text! I need to print this thread. What you typed made so much sense and ITA with you. Thanks again for sharing.

self honesty is great, self acceptance is great.....to do it without judgement and projection is what will really help the process of moving all the obstacles away from realizing self love....remove all the bolded words from that above paragraph and it really sounds like a person moving into love....anytime we still carry judgements on ourselves and our actions is as long as we will subconsciously keep creating "punishments" for ourselves even in our self acceptance

WOW! Thank you too Tiara76!!! Another post which is truly beautiful and enlightening. WOW!

 

[tiara76]

Tiara you sound like a metaphysician (maybe SOM or Unity)?

I never heard of SOM or Unity....will google both of those though

 

[tiara76]

Its not blind. How the heck can that sustain?

people confuse the phrase of love is blind

alot of people are delusional in love and use that phrase to describe it

not the same thing

 

[Ladybelle]

Thanks for this perspective. I like hearing from women who made a variety of choices and how it's working out for them.

I will be marrying in my early 30s (and I'm there now ) and hoping to have my first child before 35. We'll see how that goes. But anyway, one benefit that I found for me is that I am at the point where I really couldn't care less about further career advancement, etc.

I've always been a go-getter, so it was no problem motivating myself to get degrees, careers, etc. I didn't need an outside focus or reason to do those things. HOWEVER, after a while of enjoying such accomplishments, I was able to sit back and ask myself if those things were really what fulfilled me most... and I was able to say with a clear head and no regrets that they were not. When friends would ask me about seeking the next promotion or moving for the next big job, nothing in my heart said that I wanted to do those things (unlike in the past). That gave me my answer that I was ready to focus on more personal goals.

So I'll probably be a person who does the school/career thing first, kids/family in between, and reinvention in my late 50s-early 60s. I'm looking forward to it. I don't think I could have gotten married young, because my very driven temperament wouldn't have allowed me to sidetrack education and career. I was ride-or-die for that stuff (by personal desire) when I was in my early 20s.

Now I'm not.

Thanks, I enjoy reading the various experiences of others - they have all been really heartfelt and I appreciate them all. I'm loving this thread!!

@ the bolded- I always wanted a family - kids and husband more than I wanted a career so it was very easy for me to put my goals aside to have them. For other women- not so much! And, that's perfectly fine. The word you used "fulfillment" sums it up for me. I was more fulfilled being a mom/wife than I was pursuing my degree(s). Even though, I was very good at that. I managed to maintain a high G.P.A without much effort, but found myself focusing on homelife. Now that my homelife is what I always wanted, I have no problem going into high gear to accomplish the stuff I put on the backburner.

@ The last bolded- your plan sounds wonderful & I hope you enjoy it all. Different path than mine but in the end you will attain what you wanted and that's what matters. Which leads me to another conclusion: different people marry for different reasons and as individuals we must make sure we marry for the reasons that are right for us. What worked for others may be a disaster for some. Interesting....

 

[Ladybelle]

I sooooooo agree w/this ! I mean, I really and strongly do agree w/ this, but that's not the consensus of this board. I gather that most are ready to rush down the isle before 25. The 20s is such a period of change and growth. And while one is always and continuously growing, who you are at say 22-25 is likely a total different person than say 28-31. I personally don't think women should get married before 28/30 and men def 30+. I've heard older people give this advice continuously and the older I get the more I see it. I may get bashed for this, but I cannot understand why someone would want to get married at 25 and younger unless you have a child. I just can't. Also, this may be a regional thing also, b/c I rarely, I mean, rarely, almost never see any women getting married young in NYC. But I realize outside of NYC, it's not uncommon to marry your college sweet heart or get married young.

I understand your point & can see how one might feel this way.
Maybe I'll get bashed for saying this too, but I think that marriage can be successful when two people are really prepared for marriage no matter what age they are. When I say prepared, I mean learning the basic things it takes to make a marriage work- I won't go into them , but most of us don't grow up learning them. We grow up believing we get swept off of our feet & live happily ever after, I'm sorry to say it's just not that simple!

I find it okay for two people to grow together, to accomplish things together, to experience life together- I think it's these experiences that causes people to not only grow stronger as a couple but as individuals because marriage will certainly bring out your weaknesses & downfalls, you have to be mature enough to change & grow.


It varies from person to person, but I can say there was a big difference in mentality for me just from the age of 21 and 25, now knocking on 30 - My growth didn't change the fact that there was no one else I wanted to marry other than DH. The core qualities in him (trust, understanding, protection, integrity, drive,faithfulness, family -oriented, good with money, etc) didn't change with time- they only got better and, I'm glad I stayed with him for the ride.....

 

[SugarBaby]

This thread is so powerful. I can't read it every day..

Facing truth, even it is not my own can be difficult, I appreciate everyone really willing to be naked in this thread...very difficult when as Lucie mentioned some things have been used later to hurt or embarassed another.

I appreciate the rawness of all the stories.

I want to say something about planning...a few have mentioned "planning your life" and when I was 20..I did this, when I was 30, I did that..

I heard a wonderful quote by a speaker that I would like to share.

(It is in my car so I will post later)

 

[Duchesse]

This is the type of thread that makes me love LHCF. So much wisdom and perspective.

My mother married for love. She and my dad have been married for 32 years now. What does she tell me? Don't do it...marry for stability and money and to the man who adores you...you can learn to love someone. I don't believe in the longevity of romantic love in the Western sense, nor do I believe that material/money should be the sole reason.

I'm in no position to get married anytime soon, but I've grown to have a different outlook on relationships. I can only marry a man who has a nontraditional view as well, who values friendship, individuality, spirituality, financial stability and space.

BallerinaBun..we are so on the same page. Tiara and Lucie, shoot, everyone, thanks so much for sharing.

 

[tailormade84]

i did that and i've been married for a little over a year and i would say NO. It's a foolishly romantic concept. It all began when I "dated for love: and unfortunately, by the time i realized how silly i was being i was already in too deep and strongly committed to him and the relationship.

Thats not to say i don't love my husband now (thats one thing that is for sure), but the relationship suffers from arguments and fights over things we both desire from a spouse but do not do/have because we focused on love instead of focusing on (and fulfilling) the essential core basics.

ETA: another thing is just because we married for love does NOT mean we are doomed - it just means we have to work HARDER now. And i do believe love and the proper focus will accomplish what you wanted to have in the first place. Personally, I think God allowed me to marry for love so that I would be forced into cultivating those characteristics of a good spouse - because marriage has definately challanged me to become a better person that I do not believe I would be if I got "the whole package" upfront.

 

[LoveisYou]

I sooooooo agree w/this ! I mean, I really and strongly do agree w/ this, but that's not the consensus of this board. I gather that most are ready to rush down the isle before 25. The 20s is such a period of change and growth. And while one is always and continuously growing, who you are at say 22-25 is likely a total different person than say 28-31. I personally don't think women should get married before 28/30 and men def 30+. I've heard older people give this advice continuously and the older I get the more I see it. I may get bashed for this, but I cannot understand why someone would want to get married at 25 and younger unless you have a child. I just can't. Also, this may be a regional thing also, b/c I rarely, I mean, rarely, almost never see any women getting married young in NYC. But I realize outside of NYC, it's not uncommon to marry your college sweet heart or get married young.

I agree! At 25, sometimes I don't even recognize the person I was at 22.

 

[Carrie A]

So does anyone know anyone that has the love, passion, wealth and friendship in marriage?

OOO OOO Teacher pick me

Yes. The have a wonderful relationship, married out of college (for love but he was good looking and smart too so it wasn't blind love). They do everything together, are best friends, have dates every week and take pleasure trips (and have the means to do so) , raised three great men who have families of their own, never known them to argue, and they just celebrated 50 years together.

 

[OneShinyface]

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading this thread because several have shared similar thoughts I've pondered throughout my 20-year marriage (we've been together a total of 25). I want to say that I truly appreciate the candor and openness of everyone. I hope that no one will come back and use anyone's comments to hurt/slander/abuse another later. I see value in helping others.

I agree with the poster who mentioned not marrying until later in life. What I've realized in recent years that I didn't know when I was younger is not only do YOU have to see the potential in your spouse and in your relationship, but YOUR SPOUSE has to have a similar VISION regarding you and your relatioship. And more importantly, there has to be a DESIRE and an EFFORT by both to GROW and EVOLVE TOGETHER.

If life had a rewind button, knowing what I know now...

 

[SugarBaby]

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading this thread because several have shared similar thoughts I've pondered throughout my 20-year marriage (we've been together a total of 25). I want to say that I truly appreciate the candor and openness of everyone. I hope that no one will come back and use anyone's comments to hurt/slander/abuse another later. I see value in helping others.
I agree with the poster who mentioned not marrying until later in life. What I've realized in recent years that I didn't know when I was younger is not only do YOU have to see the potential in your spouse and in your relationship, but YOUR SPOUSE has to have a similar VISION regarding you and your relatioship. And more importantly, there has to be a DESIRE and an EFFORT by both to GROW and EVOLVE TOGETHER.

If life had a rewind button, knowing what I know now...

Beautiful thoughts.

This is a thread I hope the Mods build a fence around and not allow anyone to tear down the beauty and the realness of the wonderful women that were willing to be honest in hopes of helping someone else.

 

[Triniwegian]

Thank you for a wonderful thread and all of you ladies' honesty.

If I didn't absolutely love my FH, I would NEVER marry him.
Like one poster said in an another thread; Love is what keeps you form bashing his skull in at times.

The reason why I love him is that he is responsible, respectful, family-oriented, loves the lord, caring, ambitious, financially logical and absolutely delicious
But he could have had all of these qaulities but if I didn't love him with every inch of me, I would never have considered marrying him.
Love conquers all and it will also get a couple through challenges no-love couples break up over.

 

[Jade Feria]

Wow...I got so much insight from this thread. It's funny, because I've found myself taking more and more of a pragmatic approach lately when thinking about the man I will marry. Back when I was younger I would have totally gone the "all for love" route.

I can relate to the women who have said that part of what made their husbands loveable was the fact that they were responsible, financially stable, etc, so their decisions to marry for love were inherently pragmatic. I find myself requiring these traits in a future husband as well, and find that there's no way I could be attracted to, much less in a relationship or in love with, a man who was severly unstable, had a rap sheet, was horrible at handling money, and/or irresponsible.

Thank you ladies so much for your advice.

 

[MizAvalon]

[FONT=&quot]My personality is identical to that of Ballerina Buns’. I no longer fear marriage because of Taharat ha-Mishpachah – the law of family purity in Judaism. For the observant couple, both husband and wife are to be physically (and emotionally according to some) separated during a woman’s period, and seven days after....basically, for a total of 14 days. Separate beds and everything...some even go one mile further and do separate rooms. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]The couple can only “reunite” after she’s been to a mikveh – a ritual bath. After she emerges from the mikveh, from this new state of renewal, she is ready to rejoin her husband as his wife.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]I plan on having a separate master bedroom for myself to observe Taharat ha-Mischpachah. I'm also gonna implement my own personal ritual with future hubby in addition to this. He must bring me a gift on the night of my mikveh. It must be something special and well thought out. If I accept it, its a go...if not. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]---[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When I first learned about this I was very upset by the implicit notion of a woman’s impurity due to something that is natural. It struck me as primitive, backwards, and oppressive. But then, after much thought, and taking my own personality into account, I began to see the beauty and wisdom in Taharat ha-Mishpachah. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Many Jewish sources believe that love that is not familial (like that you feel toward a child or a parent), needs tension to survive. There must be a period of withdrawal, reflection, and reunification. They say both individuals need emotional, physical, and spiritual privacy within such a profound relationship like marriage. The husband appreciates his wife's’ closeness, her beauty, and her heart a lot more when they are able to be together again. Plus, he is able to enjoy her other attributes during this time of physical separation. [/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]And the wife gets her much needed space where she can privately replenish herself before re-entering the tasks of being a wife. For quirky introverts like myself, and for others, this works out quite well. Totally off topic but thought I should share.[/FONT]

Thank you so much for posting this. I really enjoyed learning about this perspective.

 

[Eclass215]

This thread is wonderful. So much of what I felt has been conveyed in these posts and I'm so happy to hear this (especially since I'm in the process of breaking up with my fiance).

I have a lot to look forward to and think about.

Thanks.

 

[LongiLox]

Nevermind.

 

[LongiLox]

I think my natural inclination towards introversion makes me better suited for companionship, especially if we are not living together. Even just spending time with other people in large groups or … , I find draining sometimes. I need alone time to recharge, re group. That is just who I am. If I have been to a party, I need alone time the next day. So, imagine me in a partnership, especially if the person is “clingy” and not independent, as far as being able to entertain themselves.

I can be very loving, jovial and social, if I have a great deal of time alone. If I have that, I can be there for you. I love hanging out with people in small intimate groups/setting, as long as it does not last all day. However, I still prefer my space. I would probably do well with some kind of monastic lifestyle.

It might take real love, a spiritual partnership and … for me to feel differently. Even then, I would hope and pray that he would want separate bedrooms, and maybe even separate houses. Love doesn’t have to exist under the same roof to work; in fact, it might work better if it doesn’t.

In this case, what would be the point of getting married? This is a real question, not trying to be rude. Why not be by yourself and then seek out companionship/date whenever you feel like being with someone else.

 

[LongiLox]

So yes, I marry for love. But that's after I already made the "business" decision to be with that person.[/QUOTE]

[/B]


Thats the beauty of making a choice from wisdom and wholeness...Some ladies that marry early don't have wisdom, maturity, insight and wholeness.

I personally would not recommend to anyone to marry before 30yrs. for soooo many reasons.

Such as? Please advise.

 

[SugarBaby]

Please tell us more. We can learn from your wisdom.

As this thread has grown, I have noticed that those that made the decision completely out of the practicality and went for the security,wealth,business,...We all miss the Love connection. Reading between the lines (at least my interpretation) you can hear the emptiness.

Those that went strictly for the love seem to now miss the lack of security, wealth and perhaps business growth that resulted...Seems like those ladies are saying that love doesn't pay the bills and all the things they don't have.

(Not the case for all, but more or less a pattern if one absolute was chosen over another)

I think as the wisdom of the other ladies has been revealed, the key is balance and analysis of what you deem important.

No person knows/or can tell what is important for another person's living standard and ultimate happiness. YOU have to do the self confrontation to know what is important for your happiness. This is hard work, not everyone is able to do this work BEFORE they marry. Many women marry and later come to the realization after many years of unhappiness .

 

[DivaMommy]

Thanks for this perspective. I like hearing from women who made a variety of choices and how it's working out for them.

I will be marrying in my early 30s (and I'm there now ) and hoping to have my first child before 35. We'll see how that goes. But anyway, one benefit that I found for me is that I am at the point where I really couldn't care less about further career advancement, etc.

I've always been a go-getter, so it was no problem motivating myself to get degrees, careers, etc. I didn't need an outside focus or reason to do those things. HOWEVER, after a while of enjoying such accomplishments, I was able to sit back and ask myself if those things were really what fulfilled me most... and I was able to say with a clear head and no regrets that they were not. When friends would ask me about seeking the next promotion or moving for the next big job, nothing in my heart said that I wanted to do those things (unlike in the past). That gave me my answer that I was ready to focus on more personal goals.

So I'll probably be a person who does the school/career thing first, kids/family in between, and reinvention in my late 50s-early 60s. I'm looking forward to it. I don't think I could have gotten married young, because my very driven temperament wouldn't have allowed me to sidetrack education and career. I was ride-or-die for that stuff (by personal desire) when I was in my early 20s.

Now I'm not.

I married at 29, and had my second child at 36. I took a break from the labor force to be at home with my child and then children for 5 years. I just re-entered the work force with a change in career (I am 37 now), and will be starting my Masters program in a week or so. I'm very happy with how things have worked out, and have a loving and supportive husband (when he is here ,he also travels alot). Thankfully, I have the support of awesome in-laws as well. I said all that to say, everyone must do what's best for them and sometimes that means working within your circumstances. There are many different paths to fulfillment.

 

[SelahOco]

Most of our lives are a balance between love/passion and business/practicality. If you've gone to college, your first year of school was about finding your passion and preparing yourself to make money doing it.

We've chosen cars and homes based on what we like and what we can afford. We choose friends that we have things in common with, but if the relationship ceases to be good for us we find a way to end it.

A marriage relationship really doesn't have to be much different than that. I grew up thinking that marriage was all butterflies and roses. That being married was about my loins and his loins and wine and dinner and kissing and babies and destiny and blah blah blah.

And sometimes it is about those things. But it's also about your life and destiny. And choosing someone who can help you be the best person possible and vs. versa. Do you love him enough to invest in him as a person? Do you love him enough to take on his hopes and dreams as your own and at the minimum support and push him to accomplish his own purposes in life. Do you trust him to raise children with you and invest him them the way that you would yourself.

Do you love him enough to face the darkest, most ugly parts of him and still stand by his side as he learns to walk in his highest potential? Will he do those things for you?

Love is logic, it's emotion, it's a choice - marriage is a decision that one should make with the scope of her whole life in view. It's a choice in life companion - and whatever that means for you is what YOU should pursue, IMO.

 

[tiara76]

Do you love him enough to face the darkest, most ugly parts of him and still stand by his side as he learns to walk in his highest potential? Will he do those things for you?

thats where conditional love comes in ^^^people can't face the darkest, ugliest parts of themselves much less that part of anybody else, and yet claim to love other people, you love others as much as you love yourself....you aren't capable of fully loving yourself or anybody else until these aspects of your self and of others can be embraced, and alot of relationships may have to go thru that darkness to reach the light...

 

[SugarBaby]

Most of our lives are a balance between love/passion and business/practicality. If you've gone to college, your first year of school was about finding your passion and preparing yourself to make money doing it.

We've chosen cars and homes based on what we like and what we can afford. We choose friends that we have things in common with, but if the relationship ceases to be good for us we find a way to end it.

A marriage relationship really doesn't have to be much different than that. I grew up thinking that marriage was all butterflies and roses. That being married was about my loins and his loins and wine and dinner and kissing and babies and destiny and blah blah blah.

And sometimes it is about those things. But it's also about your life and destiny. And choosing someone who can help you be the best person possible and vs. versa. Do you love him enough to invest in him as a person? Do you love him enough to take on his hopes and dreams as your own and at the minimum support and push him to accomplish his own purposes in life. Do you trust him to raise children with you and invest him them the way that you would yourself.

Do you love him enough to face the darkest, most ugly parts of him and still stand by his side as he learns to walk in his highest potential? Will he do those things for you?

Love is logic, it's emotion, it's a choice - marriage is a decision that one should make with the scope of her whole life in view. It's a choice in life companion - and whatever that means for you is what YOU should pursue, IMO.

thats where conditional love comes in ^^^people can't face the darkest, ugliest parts of themselves much less that part of anybody else, and yet claim to love other people, you love others as much as you love yourself....you aren't capable of fully loving yourself or anybody else until these aspects of your self and of others can be embraced, and alot of relationships may have to go thru that darkness to reach the light...

As much as I love the content of these two posts, Lets remember hindsight is all knowing. It is wonderful when your choices can come from growth, maturity, wholeness etc.

Unfortunately, I would venture to say that the bulk of those that marry are not in that aformentioned group...

I think this is (one) reason that the divorce rate is so high.

Many go to marriage as an escape or as a "might as well" choice.

When I think about it, I know very very very few people that have it sorta together (emotionally,spiritually,professionally,etc) AND are now choosing to get married after all their issues have been kinda fixed.

Notice I did say sorta and kinda (not expecting perfection) but I know very few people I would want to marry.

Damn, ain't that sad.

 

[ambergirl]

As much as I love the content of these two posts, Lets remember hindsight is all knowing. It is wonderful when your choices can come from growth, maturity, wholeness etc.

Unfortunately, I would venture to say that the bulk of those that marry are not in that aformentioned group...

I think this is (one) reason that the divorce rate is so high.

Many go to marriage as an escape or as a "might as well" choice.

When I think about it, I know very very very few people that have it sorta together (emotionally,spiritually,professionally,etc) AND are now choosing to get married after all their issues have been kinda fixed.

Notice I did say sorta and kinda (not expecting perfection) but I know very few people I would want to marry.

Damn, ain't that sad.

ITA with your post. In an ideal world we'd all be happy, whole, and full of self love and would then marry a happy, whole, and self loving mate. I don't know of any couple that fits that bill. The only couple I know that even comes close are both therapists and I doubt they would say they are fully self realized and self loving. They do however accept each other, flaws and all, fully and lovingly and that to me seems more realistic and even desirable as I would run full force from anyone who was arrogant enough to think they had reached some kind of self love nirvana.

I'd even go so far as to say the more together women I know struggle with finding suitable mates because so few men are working on themselves at that level. On the other hand my cute but neurotic as h*ll friends beat men off with a stick.

 

[SugarBaby]

ITA with your post. In an ideal world we'd all be happy, whole, and full of self love and would then marry a happy, whole, and self loving mate. I don't know of any couple that fits that bill. The only couple I know that even comes close are both therapists and I doubt they would say they are fully self realized and self loving. They do however accept each other, flaws and all, fully and lovingly and that to me seems more realistic and even desirable as I would run full force from anyone who was arrogant enough to think they had reached some kind of self love nirvana.

I'd even go so far as to say the more together women I know struggle with finding suitable mates because so few men are working on themselves at that level. On the other hand my cute but neurotic as h*ll friends beat men off with a stick.

Yes, Girl.

I love my journey but damn if it ain't lonely...Not many women and far fewer men are willing to even talk about self confrontation of our own issues.

So many think that getting ready for a relationship means fixing somebody else and unfortunately it is all about that person staring you back in the mirror.

I think you have got something there...if you are pretty, self-absorbed and generally real concerned about 'fluff'....You will be real busy in the dating world.

Amber, You have made my light bulb go off!

Excellent post AmberG.

 

[SelahOco]

As much as I love the content of these two posts, Lets remember hindsight is all knowing. It is wonderful when your choices can come from growth, maturity, wholeness etc.

Unfortunately, I would venture to say that the bulk of those that marry are not in that aformentioned group...

I think this is (one) reason that the divorce rate is so high.

Many go to marriage as an escape or as a "might as well" choice.

When I think about it, I know very very very few people that have it sorta together (emotionally,spiritually,professionally,etc) AND are now choosing to get married after all their issues have been kinda fixed.

Notice I did say sorta and kinda (not expecting perfection) but I know very few people I would want to marry.

Damn, ain't that sad.

You know, I'd have to say that if DH and I didn't work out for some reason I don't think a second marriage would not be any easier for me than this one has been.

In the 5 years I've been married, I've learned some things about men in general (things that I could have learned from reading a LHCF thread) but the bulk of my "wisdom" is about knowing how to love this one particular man.

I know how to touch him, and talk to him, and listen to him, and understand him like no other person in the world. Our marriage has not been perfect. And we argue for the sport of it - but I have learned this man. Getting to know him is a passion for me.

When I say I LOVE my husband I mean I can listen to his voice, the way he phrases something, the way he comes in the door, the way he stares into space - whatever - and it tells me something about him. Maybe he needs to be left alone, maybe he needs to cry, maybe he needs some reassuring, maybe he needs to know if I understand one of his ideas.

When I say my husband LOVES me, I know that I can complain, cry, expose my insecurities, tell him why I'm angry, tell him why I don't want to take a new job, explain why I resent my mother and father, etc etc...and he really listens. I mean, he listens like no other person I've ever met. He cares, he accepts, he apologizes, he sits right there with me and never leaves no matter what. I mean it moves me just to talk about it.

DH and I have been thru some stuff. We've both seen each other at our worst and we've both hurt each other - but there's also no one who brings me as much joy and comfort as he does. Sometimes I don't even understand it...I'm just compelled to choose him each day.

Everyday being married is a choice. And I can choose to take what I've learned and love this man more than I did the day before, or I can get angry and let the things that hurt me become the sum of my experience with him. I'm wiser today than I was at 24 and at 34, I'll be wiser still. But everyday is an opportunity to use my wisdom and hindsight.

I don't think most woman enter a marriage with the knowledge needed to love then man they married. You learn to love each other. If you don't have a realistic concept of what "loving" is you're more likely to miss the opportunities to strengthen and appreciate the marriage.

I think you have to marry someone that you're willing to love. You have to marry someone who is willing to love you. That means learning what he needs and making everyday an opportunity to provide that. If he feels the same about it as you do, what can't you overcome together?

Passion, attraction, adoration and more can be born out of that kind of commitment.