Married Ladies...what Advice Would You Give Single Ladies?

[Fine 4s]

Disclaimer: I didn't read all of the responses but the question seems like a trap because it assumes that because the friend is married she did something right. Maybe the marriage is what she did wrong. Instead of the focus being what your friends are doing WRONG, I'm more interested in what you did RIGHT.

I don't know just a gut reaction to the question....

 

[Fine 4s]

you've made some great points...

i dont have much to add as i dont think there is a magic way to get married--i do believe any woman can get married as most women have a man whose fond of them in some way, but they may not be attracted to said man

what i will say is this piggy backing on your career point....i agree just because you have a great career does not equate to great woman or partner..its so much deeper than that--a professional career for men doesn't always translate to great catch..iunno why women dont get that!

and so true..in your mid 20's please keep an eye out for your mr future as that is a prime time for most women...

Hence my post. Although very good points
ETA: I read the posts. It's the framework that put me off.

@brittle_hair I was standing in a bank like about a month ago and there was a discussion on TV about how what men value today in women is changing.
One of the changes on the rise is that more and more men want women to make MORE than them. All the stereotypical stuff we grew up hearing are shifting. Scary!

 

[MizAvalon]

Hence my post. Although very good points
ETA: I read the posts. It's the framework that put me off.

@brittle_hair I was standing in a bank like about a month ago and there was a discussion on TV about how what men value today in women is changing.
One of the changes on the rise is that more and more men want women to make MORE than them. All the stereotypical stuff we grew up hearing are shifting. Scary!

What in the world? And why is that exactly? So they can be stay at home husbands if they want to? Gross, just gross.

 

[lana]

Interesting...

 

[Fine 4s]

Who knows what kind of 'survey' was conducted *side eye*
Then again, I'm no expert on dating trends.
It reminds me of the stories we hear on the board where a lot of men seem to be looking for handouts, the easy life or just coasting....maybe they're onto something. Where are the sociology majors?

 

[Fine 4s]

@Fine 4s - I think that I framed the post that way because it's a personal issue for me that I wanted to make into a topic of discussion. I liked your point, so I edited my original post and hopefully that is more palatable.

My opinion only, but I don't believe all marriages are happy or even the key to happiness.
I do, however, sit on the phone with or offer a shoulder to my single girl friends that are hoping to meet Mr. Right after years of single life. It's sad because for most of them, if they would change 2 or 3 key things...they would broaden their scope of who fits into that Mr. Right category.

This thread is for women like them. They might not listen to or even solicit advice from their married friends in their day to day lives...but maybe here? Who knows?

I hear you. There are some gems in the responses and I'm taking notes

 

[okange76]

Question? What if you have not veered off from what the married women are saying you need to do, are meeting men but they are not willing to settle down and they are in the 30 - 40 range? Men these days are running the streets till they hit 45 and then they marry 21 - 23 yr olds. I know quite a few. 25 is too old for them.

 

[Fine 4s]

Question? What if you have not veered off from what the married women are saying you need to do, are meeting men but they are not willing to settle down and they are in the 30 - 40 range? Men these days are running the streets till they hit 45 and then they marry 21 - 23 yr olds. I know quite a few. 25 is too old for them.

I'd chuck it up to timing if what you say is true.
To incorporate what women have said above, I'd say you have to develop a skill where you can detect BS early. You can tell those that are seriously trying to settle down and those just wasting time. My exes are all in the late 40s over 10 years older than I am, and STILL not married. The last one messes with women under 30 even though he's almost 50. So, I hear ya.....

 

[sunnieb]

I agree with women teaching young women to be on the lookout for their future husbands younger in life.

I hang around a lot of married women and one of the things we have in common is that we all married in our 20s. Yeah, I know that's not for everyone, but it's worth noting.

I see it in my own family. Older women telling the younger ones 'girl don't let no man tie you down! Go have fun! You have all the time in the world!'

Then they get to their mid 30s and feel like they're out of time and start settling for chumps.

And the kids thing. Don't get with a man with kids if that's no no on your list. Too many women I know did this and they are miserable. Nothing to do with the kid or the kid's mom. Just wasn't for them.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

Self evaluation is key. Developing a (deep) respect for oneself is paramount. Two damaged people can definitely love each other but it definitely won't be a good look.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

and that includes weight. i definitely think my weight is holding me back from making more and longer connections with the kind of guy i am looking for. and im normal sized. but for as much as i'm asking i know i have to be more impressive physically in order to really get anywhere.

if we have the nerve to require the dude be good looking if necessary you gotta lose weight. period. otherwise adjust expectations accordingly.

So true!
A friend of mine was complaining about this country man who is pursuing her, talking about he wears leisure suits. Well her wardrobe is mainly body central. Not club wear but everyday wear. She still wears a lot of hair store jewelry- I'm talking bout the big ball shaped plastic necklace/earring sets. Ma'am you country too! Perfect match!

 

[Nina_S]

Great advice ladies! Thanks!

 

[lana]

I changed the title to better fit the theme of the thread. Thanks ladies!

 

[qchelle]

So true!
A friend of mine was complaining about this country man who is pursuing her, talking about he wears leisure suits. Well her wardrobe is mainly body central. Not club wear but everyday wear. She still wears a lot of hair store jewelry- I'm talking bout the big ball shaped plastic necklace/earring sets. Ma'am you country too! Perfect match!

 

[brittle_hair]

Hence my post. Although very good points
ETA: I read the posts. It's the framework that put me off.

@brittle_hair I was standing in a bank like about a month ago and there was a discussion on TV about how what men value today in women is changing.
One of the changes on the rise is that more and more men want women to make MORE than them. All the stereotypical stuff we grew up hearing are shifting. Scary!

@Fine 4s Hmm not convinced it's shifting to that extent - plus there's a key difference between what people say when asked in a survey and how they actually behave.

 

[Southernbella.]

All of my friends are either married or have been married.

The common theme I see I guess is that marriage was always an expectation in our community. Most of our parents were married and it was always the next logical step after college. That was for the ladies and the men. And a lot of my friends married guys we went to school with, so they tapped into a pool of available men. It just worked.

The folks I know from way back who are still single...honestly I can tell by what they post on social media that they likely turn off potential suitors. Always talking about being queens, knowing their worth, waiting for their prince, never settling, etc. Just constantly talking too much.

 

[CaraWalker]

All of my friends are either married or have been married.

The common theme I see I guess is that marriage was always an expectation in our community. Most of our parents were married and it was always the next logical step after college. That was for the ladies and the men. And a lot of my friends married guys we went to school with, so they tapped into a pool of available men. It just worked.

The folks I know from way back who are still single...honestly I can tell by what they post on social media that they likely turn off potential suitors. Always talking about being queens, knowing their worth, waiting for their prince, never settling, etc. Just constantly talking too much.

i see men doing this too, and they are also chronically single. talk about a self fulfilling prophecy backfiring.

i never talk about being single. not to people who know me, not on dates. why would i want to talk about that?

 

[Cattypus1]

Don't focus on getting married or having a wedding. Don't be pushed into marriage because someone else thinks you should. The person you marry should be your friend not just your lover. Do not be rushed. Love yourself.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Work on yourself first. I had a lot of insecurities that I thought I'd worked out but they came back and I realize I had made the first step by identifying them and making notes on what caused them but they weren't completely solved. It's a lot harder to fix them when you're in a relationship. Make sure you have addressed them thoroughly.

Realize that you can't change anyone. Love them for who they are not their potential. They may never reach it.

Forget swag. Find someone who adores you. They will swim the oceans and climb mountains to make you happy and you'll respect this as a woman and in turn give them the same courtesies.

Learn to let petty stuff go. Have high expectations but don't make them unattainable. One friend requires her boyfriends to have a college degree but boo...yours is in general studies. That doesn't say that much. If he has a trade of is ambition he will be successful.

Learn to keep your relationship to yourself. They won't care that you're in love even though he did yada yada. They want the best for you and if you tarnish his image it definitely won't be him in their eyes. All the things you should know or need to know will be spelled out to you. Give it time.

 

[mensa]

1. Don't settle for who you know good and well you should not settle to be with. It's better to remain single than to be married to the wrong person. I know some married ladies who got married to the first man who asked them. Need I say that they are more miserable now than ever?
2. Don't ignore the red flags thinking that you can "love" them away.
3. Watch his behavior around other women: is he too friendly, too engaging, too attentive to them?
4. You both should have similar morals/values.
5. What's his relationship with his mother and other family members? Are they close? How much influence do they have over him-for good or bad?
6. Does he have children? Does he feel comfortable with you correcting them? Will he teach them to respect you? Will they try to get he and their
mother back together?
7. Is he expecting you to help him pay child support?
8. How's his credit?
9. Who will pay for what and how much on the household bills?

I learned all of this and so much more while married to my ex. I'll be back with additional comments.

10. It's good to see him really angry before you marry him. Does he rage or is he in control of himself?
11. Does he share personal details about your relationship with other people, especially when there is trouble?
12. Does he accept your children? Is he harsh with them?

 

[Cattypus1]

One more thing...your soul mate probably won't come in the package you expect. If you are not open then you may miss the blessing.

 

[MizAvalon]

The folks I know from way back who are still single...honestly I can tell by what they post on social media that they likely turn off potential suitors. Always talking about being queens, knowing their worth, waiting for their prince, never settling, etc. Just constantly talking too much.

I never really connected the dots with this but now that I think about it, it's so true! Folks on my feed who are always spouting that stuff are either chronically single and have been for years or are in relationship after relationship that never goes anywhere.

 

[MizAvalon]

I agree with women teaching young women to be on the lookout for their future husbands younger in life.

I hang around a lot of married women and one of the things we have in common is that we all married in our 20s. Yeah, I know that's not for everyone, but it's worth noting.

I see it in my own family. Older women telling the younger ones 'girl don't let no man tie you down! Go have fun! You have all the time in the world!'

Then they get to their mid 30s and feel like they're out of time and start settling for chumps.

And the kids thing. Don't get with a man with kids if that's no no on your list. Too many women I know did this and they are miserable. Nothing to do with the kid or the kid's mom. Just wasn't for them.

Completely agree with this. I would tell any younger woman that wants to be married to set the wheels in motion now because once she's older, the pool she has to choose from is going to get much smaller. Meanwhile men, their pool only gets bigger.

 

[MsLiss]

Actually, I'll be honest...I think I got more attention when I was still using relaxers and wearing my hair straight

I've noticed this too. Going natural has aged me down considerably. Ppl will tell me I look 16 and mean it as a compliment, but I'm not trying to attract men who are attracted to 16-year-olds

 

[okange76]

So as an older single in this tight marriage mart, how can you be picky without being petty? Settling for chumps is totally out of the question and I'd rather be lonely on my own than lonely and miserable with an unsuitable partner.

I've been accused of being super picky. My main issue is that I tend to attract men who are domineering in a smothering kind of way. Men who are madly in love after two weeks and ready to walk down the aisle at the three month mark. That scares the living daylights out of me. I feel suffocated. Years later, I have a group of miserable people who married the next girl and are blaming me for being unhappy. They are all super sure that they would have been much happier with me. How do they know that? It has happened too many times that I'm thinking that a smotherer could be my destiny...... They just scare me to death. I'm naturally a very calm, quiet person who is super introverted for the most part but I become a chatterbox in familiar company. My closest friends are super extroverts with no sense of personal space. They just invaded my space and stayed.

 

[Fine 4s]

You remind me of a gf who appears reserved (ie mysterious) because she's so quiet and most of her men have done crazy stuff and seem obsessed too. I wonder about this personality type. Why do ya'll attract the crazies or maybe I don't notice it because I'm just at crazy and obsessed lol

 

[CaraWalker]

So as an older single in this tight marriage mart, how can you be picky without being petty? Settling for chumps is totally out of the question and I'd rather be lonely on my own than lonely and miserable with an unsuitable partner.

I've been accused of being super picky. My main issue is that I tend to attract men who are domineering in a smothering kind of way. Men who are madly in love after two weeks and ready to walk down the aisle at the three month mark. That scares the living daylights out of me. I feel suffocated. Years later, I have a group of miserable people who married the next girl and are blaming me for being unhappy. They are all super sure that they would have been much happier with me. How do they know that? It has happened too many times that I'm thinking that a smotherer could be my destiny...... They just scare me to death. I'm naturally a very calm, quiet person who is super introverted for the most part but I become a chatterbox in familiar company. My closest friends are super extroverts with no sense of personal space. They just invaded my space and stayed.

probably some reason why you attract smotherers. ive had a few co-dependents but no smotherers. im trying to remember what it was i read that described men who want to move too quickly. i remember posting an article about it here before. gonna try to find it/remember.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

Have you ever read the love languages? I think Gary Chapman is the writer. I think if you try to understand how you like receiving love, it'll help you narrow down the type of behaviors that you like.

The idea is that everyone gives and recognizes love in different ways. Some men like getting physical attention and quality time and they show love by buying gifts (vice versa). Women recognize a man loves them by receiving gifts and trips but then they give love usually in acts of service (cooking and cleaning).

I'm not married but this used to be me. I am not afraid of commitment but I do feel that I've been attracting men that are "emotionally promiscuous". The ones that fall in love quickly, that were engaged before etc.. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but it does cause some concern for me. It's when I understood the behavior did I realize that they may have something to offer and I just need to give them time to "calm down".

The way you're writing it seems that you're looking at things in a very binary way. Just because there are lame busters out there doesn't mean there aren't gems. Just because you're not the youngest/prettiest doesn't mean you don't have a good chance in love. I wish I could write more but I have to runt o the library.

So as an older single in this tight marriage mart, how can you be picky without being petty? Settling for chumps is totally out of the question and I'd rather be lonely on my own than lonely and miserable with an unsuitable partner.

I've been accused of being super picky. My main issue is that I tend to attract men who are domineering in a smothering kind of way. Men who are madly in love after two weeks and ready to walk down the aisle at the three month mark. That scares the living daylights out of me. I feel suffocated. Years later, I have a group of miserable people who married the next girl and are blaming me for being unhappy. They are all super sure that they would have been much happier with me. How do they know that? It has happened too many times that I'm thinking that a smotherer could be my destiny...... They just scare me to death. I'm naturally a very calm, quiet person who is super introverted for the most part but I become a chatterbox in familiar company. My closest friends are super extroverts with no sense of personal space. They just invaded my space and stayed.

 

[okange76]

probably some reason why you attract smotherers. ive had a few co-dependents but no smotherers. im trying to remember what it was i read that described men who want to move too quickly. i remember posting an article about it here before. gonna try to find it/remember.

Please when you figure it out let me know coz this crap is annoying. I mean these people have done some crappy stuff to me. I've had someone befriend my brothers who in turn accused me of being shallow. This same man told me that I needed to lose weight and change my wardrobe two weeks after talking to me on the phone. He hadn't even physically met me and he looked at my FB profile. He then called a mutual girlfriend balling his eyes out a month later that he is love and I've refused to speak to him anymore. Another one physically grabbed me wanting to know why I refused to love him like he loved me. He's another one who befriended my parents and would give them nasty updates on other men who were after me so that they could talk me into marrying him. Another one, years later cried in a restaurant talking about why I wouldn't love him like he loved me. Never dated or slept with any of these people. I'm the common denominator and there is something I'm doing wrong. My energy is not right.

 

[okange76]

Have you ever read the love languages? I think Gary Chapman is the writer. I think if you try to understand how you like receiving love, it'll help you narrow down the type of behaviors that you like.

The idea is that everyone gives and recognizes love in different ways. Some men like getting physical attention and quality time and they show love by buying gifts (vice versa). Women recognize a man loves them by receiving gifts and trips but then they give love usually in acts of service (cooking and cleaning).

I'm not married but this used to be me. I am not afraid of commitment but I do feel that I've been attracting men that are "emotionally promiscuous". The ones that fall in love quickly, that were engaged before etc.. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but it does cause some concern for me. It's when I understood the behavior did I realize that they may have something to offer and I just need to give them time to "calm down".

The way you're writing it seems that you're looking at things in a very binary way. Just because there are lame busters out there doesn't mean there aren't gems. Just because you're not the youngest/prettiest doesn't mean you don't have a good chance in love. I wish I could write more but I have to runt o the library.

Yes I have. Its just that they come on so strong. Give me room to breathe. Let me get to know you first. My problem is that these men tend to get physical. It's like they want to rattle me hard until I fall in love with them. The men in my family are very affectionate. I have no idea where this violence energy comes from. I have never hit a man in my life. I fought with my bros as kids but that ended twenty five plus years ago.