Ladies Who Married Strictly(Or Even Mostly) For Love, Would You Do It Again?

What a wonderful post. Blessings to you both.

SelahOco said:
You know, I'd have to say that if DH and I didn't work out for some reason I don't think a second marriage would not be any easier for me than this one has been.

In the 5 years I've been married, I've learned some things about men in general (things that I could have learned from reading a LHCF thread) but the bulk of my "wisdom" is about knowing how to love this one particular man.

I know how to touch him, and talk to him, and listen to him, and understand him like no other person in the world. Our marriage has not been perfect. And we argue for the sport of it :look: - but I have learned this man. Getting to know him is a passion for me.

When I say I LOVE my husband I mean I can listen to his voice, the way he phrases something, the way he comes in the door, the way he stares into space - whatever - and it tells me something about him. Maybe he needs to be left alone, maybe he needs to cry, maybe he needs some reassuring, maybe he needs to know if I understand one of his ideas.

When I say my husband LOVES me, I know that I can complain, cry, expose my insecurities, tell him why I'm angry, tell him why I don't want to take a new job, explain why I resent my mother and father, etc etc...and he really listens. I mean, he listens like no other person I've ever met. He cares, he accepts, he apologizes, he sits right there with me and never leaves no matter what. I mean it moves me just to talk about it.

DH and I have been thru some stuff. We've both seen each other at our worst and we've both hurt each other - but there's also no one who brings me as much joy and comfort as he does. Sometimes I don't even understand it...I'm just compelled to choose him each day.

Everyday being married is a choice. And I can choose to take what I've learned and love this man more than I did the day before, or I can get angry and let the things that hurt me become the sum of my experience with him. I'm wiser today than I was at 24 and at 34, I'll be wiser still. But everyday is an opportunity to use my wisdom and hindsight.

I don't think most woman enter a marriage with the knowledge needed to love then man they married. You learn to love each other. If you don't have a realistic concept of what "loving" is you're more likely to miss the opportunities to strengthen and appreciate the marriage.

I think you have to marry someone that you're willing to love. You have to marry someone who is willing to love you. That means learning what he needs and making everyday an opportunity to provide that. If he feels the same about it as you do, what can't you overcome together?

Passion, attraction, adoration and more can be born out of that kind of commitment.
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Thanks so much for the bump, from a young woman preparing herself for marriage.

I really appreciate a lot of ladies referencing an interdependence among love, security, friendship etc. ie. the more you develop the friendship or build on the security, the more love you develop for the person he is.

Reminds me of something Michelle Obama said - she highlighted the importance of starting off with someone you genuinely like and respect.
 
I wondered if I had contributed to this thread and saw that I had. And 7 years later, I'm in a new and better space.

I have a chance to do things over now, having divorced after 26 years of marriage and 31 years together.

While I'm sure I'll marry for love the next time, I will lead with my head, rather than my heart, if that makes sense.
 
SelahOco said:
Most of our lives are a balance between love/passion and business/practicality. If you've gone to college, your first year of school was about finding your passion and preparing yourself to make money doing it.

We've chosen cars and homes based on what we like and what we can afford. We choose friends that we have things in common with, but if the relationship ceases to be good for us we find a way to end it.

A marriage relationship really doesn't have to be much different than that. I grew up thinking that marriage was all butterflies and roses. That being married was about my loins and his loins and wine and dinner and kissing and babies and destiny and blah blah blah.

And sometimes it is about those things. But it's also about your life and destiny. And choosing someone who can help you be the best person possible and vs. versa. Do you love him enough to invest in him as a person? Do you love him enough to take on his hopes and dreams as your own and at the minimum support and push him to accomplish his own purposes in life. Do you trust him to raise children with you and invest him them the way that you would yourself.

Do you love him enough to face the darkest, most ugly parts of him and still stand by his side as he learns to walk in his highest potential? Will he do those things for you?

Love is logic, it's emotion, it's a choice - marriage is a decision that one should make with the scope of her whole life in view. It's a choice in life companion - and whatever that means for you is what YOU should pursue, IMO.
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Your posts are blowing me AWAY. Just wow. Such beautiful insight...very thought provoking...
 
SelahOco said:
You know, I'd have to say that if DH and I didn't work out for some reason I don't think a second marriage would not be any easier for me than this one has been.

In the 5 years I've been married, I've learned some things about men in general (things that I could have learned from reading a LHCF thread) but the bulk of my "wisdom" is about knowing how to love this one particular man.

I know how to touch him, and talk to him, and listen to him, and understand him like no other person in the world. Our marriage has not been perfect. And we argue for the sport of it :look: - but I have learned this man. Getting to know him is a passion for me.

When I say I LOVE my husband I mean I can listen to his voice, the way he phrases something, the way he comes in the door, the way he stares into space - whatever - and it tells me something about him. Maybe he needs to be left alone, maybe he needs to cry, maybe he needs some reassuring, maybe he needs to know if I understand one of his ideas.

When I say my husband LOVES me, I know that I can complain, cry, expose my insecurities, tell him why I'm angry, tell him why I don't want to take a new job, explain why I resent my mother and father, etc etc...and he really listens. I mean, he listens like no other person I've ever met. He cares, he accepts, he apologizes, he sits right there with me and never leaves no matter what. I mean it moves me just to talk about it.

DH and I have been thru some stuff. We've both seen each other at our worst and we've both hurt each other - but there's also no one who brings me as much joy and comfort as he does. Sometimes I don't even understand it...I'm just compelled to choose him each day.

Everyday being married is a choice. And I can choose to take what I've learned and love this man more than I did the day before, or I can get angry and let the things that hurt me become the sum of my experience with him. I'm wiser today than I was at 24 and at 34, I'll be wiser still. But everyday is an opportunity to use my wisdom and hindsight.

I don't think most woman enter a marriage with the knowledge needed to love then man they married. You learn to love each other. If you don't have a realistic concept of what "loving" is you're more likely to miss the opportunities to strengthen and appreciate the marriage.

I think you have to marry someone that you're willing to love. You have to marry someone who is willing to love you. That means learning what he needs and making everyday an opportunity to provide that. If he feels the same about it as you do, what can't you overcome together?

Passion, attraction, adoration and more can be born out of that kind of commitment.
Click to expand...


Thank you for this post. It is so beautiful and sums up exactly where I am right now. I've been married short of 14 years and I realize now that love is a choice. I really didn't understand that at all before. I was certain it was a feeling that could fade and make me question my commitment. But I see that love and being in a marriage is a choice. Since I'm more aware I am also becoming more in tune with my husband and him as a person and its sooooo scary! But I realize this is a marriage. This is what marriage means. And it also makes me question all the times I've judged other women for being "stupid" or standing by their man. I feel like in our community as strong black woman we are taught to bounce when our man ain't acting right or ain't got no job. I'm learning .... And it's hard. Like you said each person need to be loved in a different way. I realize no two situations are the same because no two people are and you really have to do what's right for you.
 
MizAvalon said:
Do any of you ladies that married only or mostly for love wish you had been a *little* more pragmatic when choosing a partner?
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yes. next time it will practical and for companionship. first time was for love. biggest mistake of my life.

wonder if I answered this thread already... lol too lazy to read back.
 
SugarBaby said:
Excellent question.


Not wanting to go into too much personal detail...

I was very pramagtic in my marriage choice and it was definately a calculated move.

Sometimes you can be so pragmatic in your choice that you miss the bigger picture of the gifts of marriage.
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Yep, yep and triple yep.
 
tiara76 said:
self honesty is great, self acceptance is great.....to do it without judgement and projection is what will really help the process of moving all the obstacles away from realizing self love....remove all the bolded words from that above paragraph and it really sounds like a person moving into love....anytime we still carry judgements on ourselves and our actions is as long as we will subconsciously keep creating "punishments" for ourselves even in our self acceptance
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Yes!
"What disturbs men's minds is not events, but their judgement of events"

Or something like that.
I try to remember these words everyday.
 
I married for all the wrong reasons. But I don't think it all has to be perfectly sequenced. I do think think you can marry for the right reasons and it still goes wrong. I think the most important thing is to be honest with yourself and to know you can't control other people. People grow and change - my husband is not the same person I married years ago. Neither am I.
 
I'm fighting between my past and my future. If I married again at this point I would marry for companionship, personality, and lust. Now. Logistically I know that this "passion" comes and goes quickly but I lost all the passion and chemistry we had and now I'm left with practical.

Good life. No complaints other than little things. And even though it's nice...I don't crave it, feel inspired by it, or appreciative of it. I long for passion, sparks, laughs, and multi-orgasmic sex. I might just look down the line later and say I'm stone crazy though. But this is my honest answer at this point.
 
Is there really no way to get passion back? I know this may sound odd, but what about a separation to make the heart miss a little? IF you or he left the home for a little bit, do you think it could come back?
What don't you crave, your DH? Do you have any common dreams? For me, I'm at my happiest when I can dream with someone. Like babe, let's plan to build a house there, let's start a business, let's....just plans, goals. That always gets me pumped.
I'm glad I had a sex heavy 20's because let me tell you, sex is the last on my list. I haven't even masturbated in years. I used to a lot in my 20's and a little in my early 30's.
 
MizAvalon said:
A quote from Jackie Kennedy has always stuck with me. "The first time you marry should be for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship."

Do any of you ladies that married only or mostly for love wish you had been a *little* more pragmatic when choosing a partner? I have heard way too many married women say that if they find themselves single again that a requirement would be for the man to be well off and able to take care of her.

Actually kind of makes me glad that I will be older when I marry. I don't have those little girl stars in my eyes that I had, say, 10 years ago. Now? If you cannot provide a comfortable life, don't bother applying buddy.
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Oh I thought it was marry first for money then for love that way you don't have to worry about money
 
PrissiSippi said:
I'm fighting between my past and my future. If I married again at this point I would marry for companionship, personality, and lust. Now. Logistically I know that this "passion" comes and goes quickly but I lost all the passion and chemistry we had and now I'm left with practical.

Good life. No complaints other than little things. And even though it's nice...I don't crave it, feel inspired by it, or appreciative of it. I long for passion, sparks, laughs, and multi-orgasmic sex. I might just look down the line later and say I'm stone crazy though. But this is my honest answer at this point.
Click to expand...

I think it can come back when you start in the mind first. I was speaking negatively about my husband and not respecting him in my mind; which led to me being less passionate about him in other ways. Sex and passion and desire start in the mind. The spark that we have for people when we look at them and want to undress them and all of that is fleeting and not lasting. Real passion is deeper than just sex. It took me a really long time to get that. So since my husband and I have been working a lot on our marriage and I respect him 1000x more I am a lot more passionate ; its not about having sex just to fulfill being horny-- its more about expressing my love for my husband, intimacy and a deeper connection.
 
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Fine 4s said:
Is there really no way to get passion back? I know this may sound odd, but what about a separation to make the heart miss a little? IF you or he left the home for a little bit, do you think it could come back?
What don't you crave, your DH? Do you have any common dreams? For me, I'm at my happiest when I can dream with someone. Like babe, let's plan to build a house there, let's start a business, let's....just plans, goals. That always gets me pumped.
I'm glad I had a sex heavy 20's because let me tell you, sex is the last on my list. I haven't even masturbated in years. I used to a lot in my 20's and a little in my early 30's.
Click to expand...
I think it's a way to get it back but you must have complete control over your mind which I don't completely have yet. Yeahhh goal making is my turn on. If I feel like we are working towards something together ooh I get pumped and feel so on top of it. The problem with that is he's so laid back he cares about no goal seriously lol. He's a I'll take it as it comes guy. Ima try again and bring up making ONE common goal for 2017 we can work on.
 
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