Ladies Who Married Strictly(Or Even Mostly) For Love, Would You Do It Again?

[thatscuteright]

[/B]


oh ok..

Is this due to the fear of approaching 30 and being unmarried?

yes........

 

[foxxymami]

I will let you know in a year or so
erplexed

 

[nychaelasymone]

I just don't get it...if love isn't the priority than what is the point of getting married?...because you don't want to be alone? because you can be single and date all the men that you desire in regards to money and other things...IJA

I can only speak for myself but I don't think its a matter of love not being a priority, it's just that love is not the #1 reason why I chose and am choosing to marry my FH. I love him yes but if I couldn't have faith in our ability to run a household in harmony and have honesty, I don't think I could marry him. Love for me, can not be the #1 and only factor in my decision. I think that because I'm a little older now that I realize that marrying for strictly love is not a practical decision for me. I'm so excited and happy for all the ladies here who have loving and lasting relationships and marriages. And whatever equations that allowed them to equal 1 unit is truly a blessing for them and I rejoice in that.

As to being single an dating all the men we want....well, that may fit the lifestyle of some but I don't want to be single and don't believe it's in my spirit to do so (although, I've enjoyed every moment of being alone...even the bad times). I think what's being tossed around is that there has to be more to a relationship/marriage than love. And again, it also boils down to your personal definition of the word. We can look at the biblical definition and break it down but at the end of the day, what's your interpretation and how does it fit into your life.

Who wants to love someone and marry them and they are a lying bum, lazy, and disrespectful? I would hope no one but since love can be blind one has to open there eyes and look at the entire picture and see if the union they are considering w/ one person will allow them to:

1. Be themselves and show their true self
2. work together and dialogue like adults about everything and know how to diffuse conflict and make compromises
3. Have similar goals and be understanding
4. Understand the individual nature of the person....i.e does he or she need alone time after work each day? Or does he or she not like to bothered while sleeping....

I could go on an on....and again this is just my PERSONAL OPINION and by know means do I expect anyone to think like me

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I can only speak for myself but I don't think its a matter of love not being a priority, it's just that love is not the #1 reason why I chose and am choosing to marry my FH. I love him yes but if I couldn't have faith in our ability to run a household in harmony and have honesty, I don't think I could marry him. Love for me, can not be the #1 and only factor in my decision. I think that because I'm a little older now that I realize that marrying for strictly love is not a practical decision for me. I'm so excited and happy for all the ladies here who have loving and lasting relationships and marriages. And whatever equations that allowed them to equal 1 unit is truly a blessing for them and I rejoice in that.

As to being single an dating all the men we want....well, that may fit the lifestyle of some but I don't want to be single and don't believe it's in my spirit to do so (although, I've enjoyed every moment of being alone...even the bad times). I think what's being tossed around is that there has to be more to a relationship/marriage than love. And again, it also boils down to your personal definition of the word. We can look at the biblical definition and break it down but at the end of the day, what's your interpretation and how does it fit into your life.

Who wants to love someone and marry them and they are a lying bum, lazy, and disrespectful? I would hope no one but since love can be blind one has to open there eyes and look at the entire picture and see if the union they are considering w/ one person will allow them to:

1. Be themselves and show their true self
2. work together and dialogue like adults about everything and know how to diffuse conflict and make compromises
3. Have similar goals and be understanding
4. Understand the individual nature of the person....i.e does he or she need alone time after work each day? Or does he or she not like to bothered while sleeping....

I could go on an on....and again this is just my PERSONAL OPINION and by know means do I expect anyone to think like me

Beautifully put IMO...I was thinking along these lines but a little hazy on this...I was thinking is someone looking at the other as what can you do for me first and then hoping to fall in love would be next...because what if he is everything you want in regards to standards/preferences but still no chemistry?...but I gotcha...

@ the bolded...I think why I was so slow on this thread is that I equate those things with love...not as something seperate...because I see love as being wholly made of up so many different things...like how can you be in love and not have the friendship/partnership, trust and etc...? I don't believe love is just an emotion....

 

[nychaelasymone]

Beautifully put IMO...I was thinking along these lines but a little hazy on this...I was thinking is someone looking at the other as what can you do for me first and then hoping to fall in love would be next...because what if he is everything you want in regards to standards/preferences but still no chemistry?...but I gotcha...

@ the bolded...I think why I was so slow on this thread is that I equate those things with love...not as something seperate...because I see love as being wholly made of up so many different things...like how can you be in love and not have the friendship/partnership, trust and etc...? I don't believe love is just an emotion....

I think this is why this thread is so interesting.....everyone has a different definition of love and like you said...the points I listed were already in your definition of love and not separate units. Chemistry is definitely necessary but like someone else said....emotions go through changes..one day you 'love' your mate and other days you want to beat them w/ a cast iron hammer but it's that 'something' else that keeps you grounded to know that whatever the problem, it will pass and the two of you will get through it and can work it out.

Blessing to you and a lifetime of happiness!

 

[tiara76]

when i hear most people's definition of "love" and what they think it is I am not surprised why they think it sucks ***, i'd pass on that version and feelings of love as well...
however I don't see too many happy people period esp those marrying for "other" reasons

we have a collective "settle" "safe" "fear" mentality and a very collective warped sense of "love" in my personal opinion and i understand why that warped love doesn't work for people and seems to "destroy" people vs uplift them in all areas of life individually and as union

i will be marrying for love personally....of course what love means to me not the version expressed by alot of others who claim they are in love[/QUOTE]



Would love you to share more on your views on the bolded Tiara.....

speaking for myself and coming to this definition myself a few years ago after i realized my view on life and love were very different from other people i had to sit down and really define what it meant to me

to me love is not an emotion, it is an energy...if is a life affirming energy at that so anytime love is actually present then there is faith in life in all areas including financial....you have an abundance mindset when you are full of love it gives you the feeling of security and peace...I realized that this energy comes from within and must be felt from within first and foremost.....when you don't realize that you are full of love already and are full o fear or issues that are blocking you from realizing this you attract people into your life who are reflecting yourself back to yourself..when you remove all the blocks to love you start looking for yourself in others....

I say I will marry for love because I know for sure the man i will marry will be a reflection of myself...he may have a different personality from mines and be different in other ways however i have no doubt he will be

aware of love, open to love, ready to love and know that love within himself is what is more important than love for me...if he can't love himself unconditionally he can't do it for me either

he will be financially faithful which means it doesn't matter if he has a million dollars or 2 dollars when i meet him, he will have the mindset that all is always taken care of one way or another, that is true security...knowing love is knowing that all is always provided for in every way, and on any given day no matter what is going on if there is a will there is a way....so his credit score, his job, his estimated worth on paper aren't important to me and the broke dude in a state of misery blaming the world for his problems, with low self worth, no motivation to do for himself or anybody else will not be the man attracted to me/nor me attracted to him because he will not be a reflection of love back to myself...

he will attract those of low self worth so they can figure out that they are not so much "in love" with each other but in states of fear and negative energy that bonds them together and blocks them from love..... this union is for people to see that this state of mind, energy and so called "love" is very destructive and if love is what you want, its what you wont' ever have until you deal with all the negativity blocking it, and if you won't address your own negativity others will come into your life to bring it up for you and you will have a very intense connection to them....as alot of people who claim to be or have been "in love" seem to have very negative experiences with people and then blame love as the reason they got so hurt and broke down, when all love is trying to do is get thru to people to make them understand what love isn't and all the things that will stop you from experiencing it...jealousy, judgment, hate, insecurity, attachment etc......love is not an emotion, its an energy that will evoke alot of emotions..negative and positive...the negative emotions are evoked to let you know that if that is within you that will destroy you and they must come up and be released and healed in order to be "in love" and truly experience the full grandness of of... and until they are dealt with you will not be "in a place of love' with yourself or anybody else and when you are not in love you are not fully living....love is life and life is always forward moving....when you have no love it seems as if you are empty, shriveling, going backwards, dying evil (is live spelled backwards btw) etc....

to me marriage isn't about achieving security and a provider.....I have that already and always will be secure in love and life knowing i will be provided for in all areas

love to me is friendship, intimacy, honesty, faith, companionship, passion, drive, motivation, self worth, consideration, loyalty, trust....I love alot of people who I don't have a desire to marry and men in my life who would be great "husbands".....I don't have to marry them to know that they will be there for me in any way if i ever needed them that they had the capacity to be, anything that people say men only do when they are married are things the guys i know do because they love me and i love them

whoever i marry will be for a higher purpose to me, himself and others and will be the father of my children...I have this all written out, I may post this purpose later and how it relates to love

love is not anything to get from somebody else, its something to share with another....when both people have love to share thats how the flow of love giving and receiving works.....when people are in a relationship with the idea of giving to receive which is another way of saying i only do to get, you are not in state of love, you are in a state of lack.....that energy you carry sends out to the universe that if you have to "get" love then you don't have it in the first place and what you give out you get back....if you think you are so giving and seem to not be getting anything back, it may be time to do some self reflection because if you don't have love in the first place to give, you will find you won't seem to "get" it back either...and its common that in relationships for people somebody seems like a

giver

while the other one seems like a

taker

two sides of the same coin...two people who don't have it trying to get it from each other and seemingly never getting it the way they want it so then they say love is "blah" and not all its cracked up to be

love is for the birds
love sucks
love is pain
love is overrated
and all of those negative associations people attach to love when it seems to not have worked for them

 

[SugarBaby]

^^^^So Powerful...

Got to read that in little pieces to get the fullness...

So very good....I wanted to bold the whole thing.

 

[ambergirl]

I choose to love my husband when he makes me mad as hell,
he told me the other day he would choose to continue to love me and stay with me even if i became a schizophrenic and was in a psych ward -(which did happen to someone I know and he divorced her before she could even warm her new bed up) dh said he would come by to take care of me, because when he chose to love me & marry me- he chose everything that comes along with love.

so with all that being said, I think that if we are better aware of the choice we are making when we decide to love someone, we are better equipped to not only make better choices about who we love, but how we love and take marriage much more seriously.

people like to make love out to be this thing that's all rosy all the time- it ain't!

Asuperwoman we never agree on anything over in the Political Forum but you are right on target here!

My parents married for love and have been married for a gazillion years. When we started leaving the house and they were left on their own, my Dad told me it was a big adjustment for them since they had been parenting their whole marriage. They had to really reevaluate everything and he told me that what made the difference for him was that he made the conscious choice that he was going to love my mother thick and thin, mad and sad, whatever! Even now, when they get into tiffs, I can see that my dad chooses to see the love and my mother's positive sides rather than focus on the problems.

But I do wonder if this is generational. I can only think of maybe one or two marriages I would want to be in among people my age or younger. I just don't know that many happily married people. I think people are more selfish these days and less willing to sacrifice some of their independence, will, self-interest, to a marriage.

 

[SugarBaby]

Browndilocks and Yemaya, The three of us share the same fear just manifested a little differently.

Brown fears settling....

Yemaya fears turning 30 and not being married...

I fear a combination of both having to settle for less than the former marriage I was in...and getting older and perhaps facing not remarrying.

.

I am a grown woman myself. And while the scope of my desires and aspirations have defiinitely evolved over the years, I just don't want to feel that after all of the achievements and accomplishments I've been blessed to have, I'll have to "settle" for a relationship with someone I'm not attracted to or have passionate feelings for.

Perhaps I look at some things as a given, because men who lack certain educational and financial qualities arent even given a chance to come near me. Therefore, I'm picking from a certain pool regardless. So when the basic quaifications are out of the way, I want to have that passion for a person. I dont want to learn to adapt to his ugly looks or grow into loving him, KWIM? At this stage, that's what going to make me want to get to know them more. Knowing that the emotional aspect of love comes and goes, it at least has to be on and crackin from the jump. I can't knock anyone else's personal choices on what works for them but for me, that passionate love and attraction just has to be there if I'm considering marrying him. It just has to.

Brown and Yemaya I am going to answer you w/ Tiara's post, she said it so beautifully that I don't think she will mind if I spread her knowledge and thoughts ....

Brown, you and I have the same problem. Just different time frames...Yours to find your first marriage partner and mine to find my second partner.

We both want to have wonderful relationships but we FEAR that we may not get what we want after we have reached certain accomplishment levels and we will either be alone or unsatisfied...

TIARA'S WORDS

....you have an abundance mindset when you are full of love, it gives you the feeling of security and peace...from realizing this, you attract people into your life who are reflecting yourself . I realized that this energy comes from within and must be felt from within first and foremost.....when you don't realize that you are full of love already, and are full of fear, Issues that are blocking you will f back to yourself..when you remove all the blocks to love, you start looking for yourself in others....



Brown and Yemaya (and me) ...

Tiara is telling us that the universe will provide all that we need if (WE) believe in our power to love and to BE this love..we don't have to fear in what we don't have (yet) or who hasn't come into our lives (yet) b/c once we believe in our own fullness of love we will have Security [Brown, we don't have to settle] and Peace [Yemaya,we dont have fear being 30 and not married]


I tried to apply her words and hopefully I did some justice to apply it to the three of us in our fears and if we BE the love she speaks of it will be mirrored back in the men that are attracted to us.


Hope I did Tiara's words justice...

 

[Dare~to~Dream]

I think my natural inclination towards introversion makes me better suited for companionship, especially if we are not living together. Even just spending time with other people in large groups or … , I find draining sometimes. I need alone time to recharge, re group. That is just who I am. If I have been to a party, I need alone time the next day. So, imagine me in a partnership, especially if the person is “clingy” and not independent, as far as being able to entertain themselves.

I can be very loving, jovial and social, if I have a great deal of time alone. If I have that, I can be there for you. I love hanging out with people in small intimate groups/setting, as long as it does not last all day. However, I still prefer my space. I would probably do well with some kind of monastic lifestyle.

It might take real love, a spiritual partnership and … for me to feel differently. Even then, I would hope and pray that he would want separate bedrooms, and maybe even separate houses. Love doesn’t have to exist under the same roof to work; in fact, it might work better if it doesn’t.

I haven't read all the responses but when I read this one...I had to comment. I've been feeling this way for years now. I truly don't believe that I will get married (even if I really wanted to there aren't any prospects ) and if I did....I felt that it would be so great if we both had our own houses. I actually feel like I would get tired of him being around me...because I REALLY love my space...my alone time. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. Like you, I'm such an introvert...I don't have many friends and large crowds/groups of people give me headaches. Right now, I'm still not sure of marriage but I know it will have to take a very special man to sweep me off my feet and make me completely change my somewhat indifferent mind (two years ago I was saying that I didn't see myself ever being married and I still feel that way sometimes) but who doesn't want companionship?

 

[LaBelle Africaine29]

Helena Bonham-Carter...is that you? I feel the same way actually. The Victorians understood that separate bedrooms were the key to long lasting relationships. I'm KINDA kidding here (but not! )

These days, many people expect their partners to be all things to them for some reason. I just can't get wid dat. People need space, friends, family, etc and to be able to have this w/o the other person being so insecure about it.

LOL...sometimes I think I'm secretly French cuz this is very much how many French folks live. It's like "you do you, I do me, and we'll have a HUGE Sunday lunch together!" Too much togetherness is like

[FONT=&quot]My personality is identical to that of Ballerina Buns’. I no longer fear marriage because of Taharat ha-Mishpachah – the law of family purity in Judaism. For the observant couple, both husband and wife are to be physically (and emotionally according to some) separated during a woman’s period, and seven days after....basically, for a total of 14 days. Separate beds and everything...some even go one mile further and do separate rooms. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]The couple can only “reunite” after she’s been to a mikveh – a ritual bath. After she emerges from the mikveh, from this new state of renewal, she is ready to rejoin her husband as his wife.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I plan on having a separate master bedroom for myself to observe Taharat ha-Mischpachah. I'm also gonna implement my own personal ritual with future hubby in addition to this. He must bring me a gift on the night of my mikveh. It must be something special and well thought out. If I accept it, its a go...if not. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] ---[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When I first learned about this I was very upset by the implicit notion of a woman’s impurity due to something that is natural. It struck me as primitive, backwards, and oppressive. But then, after much thought, and taking my own personality into account, I began to see the beauty and wisdom in Taharat ha-Mishpachah. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Many Jewish sources believe that love that is not familial (like that you feel toward a child or a parent), needs tension to survive. There must be a period of withdrawal, reflection, and reunification. They say both individuals need emotional, physical, and spiritual privacy within such a profound relationship like marriage. The husband appreciates his wife's’ closeness, her beauty, and her heart a lot more when they are able to be together again. Plus, he is able to enjoy her other attributes during this time of physical separation.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And the wife gets her much needed space where she can privately replenish herself before re-entering the tasks of being a wife. For quirky introverts like myself, and for others, this works out quite well. Totally off topic but thought I should share.[/FONT]

 

[Lucie]

I did marry for love. I am not so sure that was a smart thing to do. If I had to do it again, I am not sure I would marry my husband.

 

[Ms Red]

This is a wonderful thread- I've read it from page 1 on....

I am at a juncture now... where I could marry for love, for friendship, for similar values/goals and direction. But not financial stability. I am doing well, he is a hard worker and educated but struggling. At this point in my life (late 20s) I do not want to enter my 30s married and in love but also in debt or the breadwinner.

If someone could promise me rolleyes that his financial situation would greatly improve over the next few months, my answer would be YES! But without that impossible guarantee, I may have to move on. I'm praying about it... but growing uneasy.

 

[SugarBaby]

I did marry for love. I am not so sure that was a smart thing to do. If I had to do it again, I am not sure I would marry my husband.

Ok, Lucie. We did just the opposite. I encouraged ladies to not do I what I did.

If you feel safe, please share, I think this thread is teaching by leaps and bounds.

 

[nychaelasymone]

I did marry for love. I am not so sure that was a smart thing to do. If I had to do it again, I am not sure I would marry my husband.

I would love to hear nmore about your story

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

Ok, Lucie. We did just the opposite. I encouraged ladies to not do I what I did.

If you feel safe, please share, I think this thread is teaching by leaps and bounds.

I've subscribed to it and I feel that it does...I think it says alot without saying too much...and no judgement which is cool

 

[biancaelyse]

I personally would not recommend to anyone to marry before 30yrs. for soooo many reasons.

Guilty!!! I married young. I really did and still do believe that he was an excellent match for me and had no reservations walking down that aisle. I think that every woman needs to really figure out what they want in a mate, what is negotiable vs non negotiable and be really honest about prospective men they meet.

I love my husband dearly and passioantley but he is also my really good friend and I know that we are both really blessed to have each other. Most of the couples that got married when we did have long since split and we are not only still together, we are very happy!!

 

[LoveisYou]

I want it all. I want love, financial security/partnership and true friendship.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Guilty!!! I married young. I really did and still do believe that he was an excellent match for me and had no reservations walking down that aisle. I think that every woman needs to really figure out what they want in a mate, what is negotiable vs non negotiable and be really honest about prospective men they meet.

I love my husband dearly and passioantley but he is also my really good friend and I know that we are both really blessed to have each other. Moat of the couples that got married when we did have long since split and we are not only still together, we are very happy!!

Don't worry, I got married early too. Still crazy after all these years!

 

[thatscuteright]

[/B]


oh ok..

Is this due to the fear of approaching 30 and being unmarried?

My issue isn't really approaching 30 and not being married, but that of wanting to have children and getting the childbearing out of the way.
I will be entering a Masters program and then going into professional school and I do not want too much on my plate. ( ie. trying to find a mate, beginning a family etc...)

At least had I had children earlier I would be in a better position, but now I feel at a disadvantage. Had I married earlier I would have financial and emotional support, a routine, purpose,security, structure, etc... as opposed to now where everything seems to be too fluid and up in the air.

 

[Ladybelle]

My issue isn't really approaching 30 and not being married, but that of wanting to have children and getting the childbearing out of the way.
I will be entering a Masters program and then going into professional school and I do not want too much on my plate. ( ie. trying to find a mate, beginning a family etc...)

At least had I had children earlier I would be in a better position, but now I feel at a disadvantage. Had I married earlier I would have financial and emotional support, a routine, purpose,security, structure, etc... as opposed to now where everything seems to be too fluid and up in the air.

I read an article about this topic years ago and the heart of the article was that women are supposedly better off when they have children young for numerous reasons. The main one being the physical/health ability to do so, but the drawback to doing this is putting one's career goals on hold until the children are a little older. In order to effectively do this, a woman has to marry the right man - a man who can handle things while she takes care of the babies..... In additon to that, the article hinted that a woman is better able to get a man in her youth because men are initially attracted to women based on their looks which will ultimately fade somewhat over time.

they say you can have it all, you just have to attain each thing at different seasons in life.

My mother married young & had children young and then finished her degree and started her career after we all started school. She was in her 30's when she starting working on her career. Now, at 52- she has it all. A career she loves & three grown children.

I'm about to be 30 next year & will have what I plan to be my last baby right before hitting 30- I'm married to the man I chose & am happy with. I finished my B.A. and plan to pursue my law degree when my youngest is around 2...... I didn't plan it this way, but I'm glad I did. I don't know how much more difficult it would be to just now be getting married & starting to have babies. Even though I know it will be a lotta hard work, I would rather be starting law school with my dh & kids than without them.

I guess to each his own. We all do what works best for us. If I could do it all over again, would I have waited? I don't know.... the drawback to waiting is that for me- having kids young gave me the focus to do what I needed to do that I didn't fully have without them. The same can be said for my DH who really got his stuff together when I got pregnant with my first one at 21.

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

This is a wonderful thread- I've read it from page 1 on....

I am at a juncture now... where I could marry for love, for friendship, for similar values/goals and direction. But not financial stability. I am doing well, he is a hard worker and educated but struggling. At this point in my life (late 20s) I do not want to enter my 30s married and in love but also in debt or the breadwinner.

If someone could promise me rolleyes that his financial situation would greatly improve over the next few months, my answer would be YES! But without that impossible guarantee, I may have to move on. I'm praying about it... but growing uneasy.

Ms. Red, keep on praying. If he has the "potential" and it seems like he does, try to hang in there if all his other qualities are what you are looking for in a mate. This doesn't mean you should rush down the aisle immediately but I wouldn't discount him either.

When I married my DH I earned more than he did but I saw his potential and now he's outpacing me regarding earnings. Now I'd be less than honest if I said there were times when I was upset and wondered when things would come together (DH had to pass the Series 7 exam...took him a while to pass it). But, overall, he was, IMO a very good match for me (loyal, honest, hardworking, steadfast and he loves me more than I love him....hope that last one doesn't sound too harsh)

 

[Bunny77]

I read an article about this topic years ago and the heart of the article was that women are supposedly better off when they have children young for numerous reasons. The main one being the physical/health ability to do so, but the drawback to doing this is putting one's career goals on hold until the children are a little older. In order to effectively do this, a woman has to marry the right man - a man who can handle things while she takes care of the babies..... In additon to that, the article hinted that a woman is better able to get a man in her youth because men are initially attracted to women based on their looks which will ultimately fade somewhat over time.

they say you can have it all, you just have to attain each thing at different seasons in life.

My mother married young & had children young and then finished her degree and started her career after we all started school. She was in her 30's when she starting working on her career. Now, at 52- she has it all. A career she loves & three grown children.

I'm about to be 30 next year & will have what I plan to be my last baby right before hitting 30- I'm married to the man I chose & am happy with. I finished my B.A. and plan to pursue my law degree when my youngest is around 2...... I didn't plan it this way, but I'm glad I did. I don't know how much more difficult it would be to just now be getting married & starting to have babies. Even though I know it will be a lotta hard work, I would rather be starting law school with my dh & kids than without them.

I guess to each his own. We all do what works best for us. If I could do it all over again, would I have waited? I don't know.... the drawback to waiting is that for me- having kids young gave me the focus to do what I needed to do that I didn't fully have without them. The same can be said for my DH who really got his stuff together when I got pregnant with my first one at 21.

Thanks for this perspective. I like hearing from women who made a variety of choices and how it's working out for them.

I will be marrying in my early 30s (and I'm there now ) and hoping to have my first child before 35. We'll see how that goes. But anyway, one benefit that I found for me is that I am at the point where I really couldn't care less about further career advancement, etc.

I've always been a go-getter, so it was no problem motivating myself to get degrees, careers, etc. I didn't need an outside focus or reason to do those things. HOWEVER, after a while of enjoying such accomplishments, I was able to sit back and ask myself if those things were really what fulfilled me most... and I was able to say with a clear head and no regrets that they were not. When friends would ask me about seeking the next promotion or moving for the next big job, nothing in my heart said that I wanted to do those things (unlike in the past). That gave me my answer that I was ready to focus on more personal goals.

So I'll probably be a person who does the school/career thing first, kids/family in between, and reinvention in my late 50s-early 60s. I'm looking forward to it. I don't think I could have gotten married young, because my very driven temperament wouldn't have allowed me to sidetrack education and career. I was ride-or-die for that stuff (by personal desire) when I was in my early 20s.

Now I'm not.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I think you have to look at marriage like a stock investment. You take your time and get to know the product without a large upfront deposit (sex). See how this investment is panning out. You bite the bullet, look at it as a blue chip stock then buy and hold.

You have to continually assess your stock and see if it is giving you the return that you expected. Like any stock there will be highs and lows. Are your returns constant or sporadic. You may decide that you have a winner or you may decide that your once blue chip stock (ie Ford or General Motors) is now a loser and you need to cashout.

If it is time to cashout, don't listen to those market analyst(friends and relatives) that say you need to hold on to your "stock" when you know in your heart that it is time to let it go. Cut your losses and move on. Some things just don't/can't/won't rebound.

 

[Lucie]

Ok, Lucie. We did just the opposite. I encouraged ladies to not do I what I did.

If you feel safe, please share, I think this thread is teaching by leaps and bounds.

Thank you for considering my feelings. I feel comfortable and am on a personal mission for the rest of my life to share my mistakes with others so that they can learn from me. My only hope is that no one uses what I say against me. I've had that done to me here before and it hurts! However, it won't stop me from sharing.

A little history: my mother married my dad at 20 y.o.. Her father was a verbally abusive man. He could kill a flower just with his presence. He lead his househould with an iron tongue and fist when necessary. My father can be very romantic and chivalrous in the beginning of his relationships and probably wooed her with fancy clothes, jewelry, love letters, told her how beautiful she was and got her to accept his hand in marriage. Although, my mother has hurt me in inumerous ways, I always try to remember hurt people, hurt people.

Unfortunately, she married a man just like the man she was trying to run from. My dad is a verbal assassin and can make a terrorist cry with his words.

I vowed never to be with a man like that and here comes my husband. He told me nice things. Has a great temper, slow to anger, I fell head over heels in love. The funny thing is that I'd met many men quite similar to him but I guess I married him because he was white, smdh. erplexed Most of the black men I dealt with were like my dad. I never forgot the time my dad cursed me in Kreyol and told me I look like a used hooker in front of this guy I was dating and the guy laughed! I was just trying to learn how to use makeup and his words stung my like a bee! Subconsciously, I thought most black men were evil like this.

My husband is a good man but I wish I married someone that was already established. Not getting established! When I look at the women I graduated school with who could give a rat's tail about their man, they're the ones leading the jet setting lives. It's not all about money. Love IS important. But marriage should be looked at like a game plan for any major project in your life. I married young, had young thoughts and am trying to overcome my mistakes.

The mistake I made was just focusing on love. I still made a mess out of that too btw. Because I was so love-hungry I didn't focus on my education. I should have finished college. I was always a 3.8/4.0 student but I didn't care about finishing school. I just wanted love. It was as if I was trying to catch up with all the love I lost. The only person who loved me unconditionally was my uncle. When I met my husband I become entranced. I never knew what it was to make a mistake and not get screamed at. I spent every single minute of the day with him. Class wasn't important. I had a man who would give me his last breath. Freak school! Well, 10 years later I will be starting a new school in January/March! I am not sure which one yet as I have two to choose from and need to get my FAFSA done.

If I had to marry again I would not marry another white man. How stupid was I to think a whole group of men were the same just becaused on my own lousy experiences? And if I did marry a white man it would have been for the right reason. I would not have married at 20 y.o. either. I would have learned to love myself. Learn who Lucie is, who she wants to be, and how she is going to do that. I would have learned not to befriend users that want it all but will give you nothing in return. I would have FINISHED school and already had my Bacherlor's and Masters degrees. I would have married a man that is already established in his chosen field. I would have looked for the overall package in a man instead of one solitary thing (love) that I craved like air.

I cannot change the past but I can change my future. I deserve all good things and am much wiser now. I know what I need to do and I am doing it!

I would love to hear nmore about your story

Please see above ^^^

 

[ambergirl]

Thank you for considering my feelings. I feel comfortable and am on a personal mission for the rest of my life to share my mistakes with others so that they can learn from me.

Your honesty is an inspiration. Thanks so much for sharing your story. The only reason I didn't copy your whole post was in the interest of keeping things short.

I hope you don't mind my asking a couple of follow up questions? You mentioned a couple of times that if you were to do it over again you probably wouldn't have married a white guy, may I ask why? My Dad is a wonderful black man, but I have to say my experiences in dating black men have been similar to yours (not tarring the whole race just being honest about my experiences) I've often wondered if it would have been better to just date more non-black men so I'm curious to know why you wouldn't do that again.

Also, do you think your husband can grow with you? I was in a serious relationship early in life like you and my SO could not handle my growth. He became abusive and controlling whenever I tried to better myself. I'm wondering if you feel your husband can be supportive of you as you go back to school and recreate your life or if you feel that will cause tension in the relationship?

Again, thanks for sharing about your life.

 

[tiara76]

Thank you for considering my feelings. I feel comfortable and am on a personal mission for the rest of my life to share my mistakes with others so that they can learn from me. My only hope is that no one uses what I say against me. I've had that done to me here before and it hurts! However, it won't stop me from sharing.

A little history: my mother married my dad at 20 y.o.. Her father was a verbally abusive man. He could kill a flower just with his presence. He lead his househould with an iron tongue and fist when necessary. My father can be very romantic and chivalrous in the beginning of his relationships and probably wooed her with fancy clothes, jewelry, love letters, told her how beautiful she was and got her to accept his hand in marriage. Although, my mother has hurt me in inumerous ways, I always try to remember hurt people, hurt people.

Unfortunately, she married a man just like the man she was trying to run from. My dad is a verbal assassin and can make a terrorist cry with his words.

I vowed never to be with a man like that and here comes my husband. He told me nice things. Has a great temper, slow to anger, I fell head over heels in love. The funny thing is that I'd met many men quite similar to him but I guess I married him because he was white, smdh. erplexed Most of the black men I dealt with were like my dad. I never forgot the time my dad cursed me in Kreyol and told me I look like a used hooker in front of this guy I was dating and the guy laughed! I was just trying to learn how to use makeup and his words stung my like a bee! Subconsciously, I thought most black men were evil like this.

My husband is a good man but I wish I married someone that was already established. Not getting established! When I look at the women I graduated school with who could give a rat's tail about their man, they're the ones leading the jet setting lives. It's not all about money. Love IS important. But marriage should be looked at like a game plan for any major project in your life. I married young, had young thoughts and am trying to overcome my mistakes.

The mistake I made was just focusing on love. I still made a mess out of that too btw. Because I was so love-hungry I didn't focus on my education. I should have finished college. I was always a 3.8/4.0 student but I didn't care about finishing school. I just wanted love. It was as if I was trying to catch up with all the love I lost. The only person who loved me unconditionally was my uncle. When I met my husband I become entranced. I never knew what it was to make a mistake and not get screamed at. I spent every single minute of the day with him. Class wasn't important. I had a man who would give me his last breath. Freak school! Well, 10 years later I will be starting a new school in January/March! I am not sure which one yet as I have two to choose from and need to get my FAFSA done.

If I had to marry again I would not marry another white man. How stupid was I to think a whole group of men were the same just becaused on my own lousy experiences? And if I did marry a white man it would have been for the right reason. I would not have married at 20 y.o. either. I would have learned to love myself. Learn who Lucie is, who she wants to be, and how she is going to do that. I would have learned not to befriend users that want it all but will give you nothing in return. I would have FINISHED school and already had my Bacherlor's and Masters degrees. I would have married a man that is already established in his chosen field. I would have looked for the overall package in a man instead of one solitary thing (love) that I craved like air.

I cannot change the past but I can change my future. I deserve all good things and am much wiser now. I know what I need to do and I am doing it!



Please see above ^^^

what is your definition of love? and what is it that your husband didn't do that makes you want to leave/left, and why wouldn't you marry a white man again....thanks for sharing that.... bolded is what life is about

 

[Lucie]

Your honesty is an inspiration. Thanks so much for sharing your story. The only reason I didn't copy your whole post was in the interest of keeping things short.

I hope you don't mind my asking a couple of follow up questions? You mentioned a couple of times that if you were to do it over again you probably wouldn't have married a white guy, may I ask why? My Dad is a wonderful black man, but I have to say my experiences in dating black men have been similar to yours (not tarring the whole race just being honest about my experiences) I've often wondered if it would have been better to just date more non-black men so I'm curious to know why you wouldn't do that again.

Also, do you think your husband can grow with you? I was in a serious relationship early in life like you and my SO could not handle my growth. He became abusive and controlling whenever I tried to better myself. I'm wondering if you feel your husband can be supportive of you as you go back to school and recreate your life or if you feel that will cause tension in the relationship?

Again, thanks for sharing about your life.

I think it is best to date whoever you feel comfortable with. I always keep in mind that I don't know everything and that each experience varies person-to-person. However, the older I've gotten, I realize that I truly love my culture and would love to have a life and raise children with a man that is Haitian (born in Haiti) or Haitian-American like myself. Despite that, I've been obeserving these Haitian men on FB and IRL and find myself thinking it's best I stay in my own lane. No group of men are perfect anyway. I look at my I go out with my BFF every weekend, spend weekends with my family all over the US, and can do whatever I want, when I want without a peep. My family knows how much I cherish my family and always encourages me to spend time. I know some Haitian men that would look at me like you better be walking the dog and get yo' butt back home and cook my dinner from scratch. My DH is happy with soup with a can for dinner. He cares more about the thought, than what I cook.

Actually, my husband is quite supportive. He is happy with any decision I make to better myself.

what is your definition of love? and what is it that your husband didn't do that makes you want to leave/left, and why wouldn't you marry a white man again....thanks for sharing that.... bolded is what life is about

Love is a choice IMHO. A choice to give a person your love wholeheartedly. I know it is not always going to be fireworks and I accept that.

I think what made me want to leave is just being a self-saboteur. I am embarrassed to admit that. When I was younger I would subconciously find ways to get myself let go from jobs as I was moving up the ladder. In my marriage, I've done that as well. When things were going great, I'd pick a fight, cheat (I know that is horrible), find ways to cause turmoil. I discovered that I didn't love myself and that I truly felt safe in drama. Maybe because it's all I knew growing up.

I remember when I met my husband I would complain he didn't tease me enough. Every guy I was with, would make fun of my voice, my valley girl ways, and whatever else they thought was negative about me.

Believe it or not, this bad side of me is something I struggle with still from time-to-time. This year though, something happened when I turned 30. It's like I just woke up and said, "NO MORE," and have really turned over a new leaf.

As I mentioned above, I think the older I got the more I just want someone who can totally relate to me culturally. But, I realize even if I did no one is perfect. Yeah, a Haitian man could relate to the jokes, the language better and all of what makes a Haitian a Haitian but that is only a piece of a puzzle. There are 100% Haitian couples getting divorced all the time.

 

[ambergirl]

I think it is best to date whoever you feel comfortable with. I always keep in mind that I don't know everything and that each experience varies person-to-person. However, the older I've gotten, I realize that I truly love my culture and would love to have a life and raise children with a man that is Haitian (born in Haiti) or Haitian-American like myself. Despite that, I've been obeserving these Haitian men on FB and IRL and find myself thinking it's best I stay in my own lane. No group of men are perfect anyway. I look at my I go out with my BFF every weekend, spend weekends with my family all over the US, and can do whatever I want, when I want without a peep. My family knows how much I cherish my family and always encourages me to spend time. I know some Haitian men that would look at me like you better be walking the dog and get yo' butt back home and cook my dinner from scratch. My DH is happy with soup with a can for dinner. He cares more about the thought, than what I cook.

Actually, my husband is quite supportive. He is happy with any decision I make to better myself.



Love is a choice IMHO. A choice to give a person your love wholeheartedly. I know it is not always going to be fireworks and I accept that.

I think what made me want to leave is just being a self-saboteur. I am embarrassed to admit that. When I was younger I would subconciously find ways to get myself let go from jobs as I was moving up the ladder. In my marriage, I've done that as well. When things were going great, I'd pick a fight, cheat (I know that is horrible), find ways to cause turmoil. I discovered that I didn't love myself and that I truly felt safe in drama. Maybe because it's all I knew growing up.

Wow girl, your man sounds like a pretty good guy, particularly his being supportive and accepting of who you are and who you want to be. He sounds like a pretty laid back guy...(maybe career wise too?)...and maybe that might why you're questioning and a little restless? I have a friend who married a laid- back white guy too and she's struggling with the same thing. For her his whole relaxed attitude kind of killed passion (not drama but you know throw-down gotta have it right now passion ) in the relationship.

I so hear you on the self-sabotaging part. I self-sabotage all the time...it's fear...but sometimes its hard to move beyond it even when you know that's what you're doing. If you (not you specifically, just a general "you" because I see myself in some of this) hold a belief that relationships are about drama, if drama's not going on, you may wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. In a way when you create the drama you also control it.

 

[Britt]

So yes, I marry for love. But that's after I already made the "business" decision to be with that person.[/QUOTE]

[/B]


Thats the beauty of making a choice from wisdom and wholeness...Some ladies that marry early don't have wisdom, maturity, insight and wholeness.

I personally would not recommend to anyone to marry before 30yrs. for soooo many reasons.

I sooooooo agree w/this ! I mean, I really and strongly do agree w/ this, but that's not the consensus of this board. I gather that most are ready to rush down the isle before 25. The 20s is such a period of change and growth. And while one is always and continuously growing, who you are at say 22-25 is likely a total different person than say 28-31. I personally don't think women should get married before 28/30 and men def 30+. I've heard older people give this advice continuously and the older I get the more I see it. I may get bashed for this, but I cannot understand why someone would want to get married at 25 and younger unless you have a child. I just can't. Also, this may be a regional thing also, b/c I rarely, I mean, rarely, almost never see any women getting married young in NYC. But I realize outside of NYC, it's not uncommon to marry your college sweet heart or get married young.