Ladies Who Married Strictly(Or Even Mostly) For Love, Would You Do It Again?

[dlewis]

BB what are you doing?

So ... this almost means looking at things intellectually, practically and not personally or emotionally. You know ... kind of cold. One is not worried about love and ... in business.


make money
be of service to others
have a large client list
manage finances well
insurance
hopefully you enjoy the business
good business plan
networking
Do you want a small or big business
... etc

I don't see anything wrong with looking at a marriage like that. I believe feelings are important but they shouldn't be right up their at the top. Don't go marrying a thug with no job because you love him? I think that's very silly.

 

[dlewis]

Do you think “those feelings” are completely unnecessary, that practical things are more important. Love and “those feelings” can be developed later?

I believe those feelings are neccessary. But a relationship should not be based totally on feelings. If a new relationship is good and the guy is great overall, give it some time. If you date for 3 months and still nothing then move on. You really shouldn't be doing anything other than spending time together in the beginning. I can't see her dating a guy for a month and expecting to be head of heals in love.

 

[SugarBaby]

Some of y'all have really surprised me.

Here I am thinking I was too pragmatic in the way I choose my spouse and most are saying they would be pragmatic if given the option again.

I can be frank enough to admit Love was not the reason I married.

I thought I would have been stoned if I came out and admitted that...

Honestly 20+ yrs later, I hear what you ladies are saying but I wonder truly if most really understand what it is like being in a marriage where wealth and business was more important and love was very distant.

I think it is Easy for ya'll to say it. Way more difficult to live it for 20 years.

I wouldn't recommend it.

I can admit it now (since I am nameless and faceless)...

 

[naijamerican]

Sugarbaby, as a young single woman, I truly and deeply appreciate your honesty. In fact, that goes for everyone who has contributed to this thread.

I have a lot to think and pray about. Because when I think of marriage, I think of sunshine, roses, flowers, and lots of hot, passionate sex. Yes, it's unrealistic and frankly, quite immature, but I tend toward an unhealthy dose of idealism sometimes. Actually, I really don't know why I see it that way. erplexed It's not like I don't have an actual marriage to look at; after all, my parents have been married for 30+ years.

 

[skegeesmb]

Hmm, this is a hard question. Sometimes I wonder if I love my husband, I mean love my husband like I read about on here i.e: "coloring ALL the time", can't keep our hands off each other, passion, passion, passion, would I be happy?

I mean don't get me wrong I love my husband. We have fun together, we have similar tastes and want to be comfortable, but we are also practical. We both had relationships where love was all that we had, and it didn't work out for either of us.

I like what we have and I would do it again....with him. That probably sounds stupid. We love each other, but we are not horndogs all the time, and we don't live in bed. We want a comfortable life and we've made sacrifices to get on that path.

I wonder what would have happened if I had married the "more well off" guy before my husband. I'd probably be divorced. Because I'd probably realize that "love" was the only thing we had in common.

 

[Ladybelle]

Some of y'all have really surprised me.

Here I am thinking I was too pragmatic in the way I choose my spouse and most are saying they would be pragmatic if given the option again.

I can be frank enough to admit Love was not the reason I married.

I thought I would have been stoned if I came out and admitted that...

Honestly 20+ yrs later, I hear what you ladies are saying but I wonder truly if most really understand what it is like being in a marriage where wealth and business was more important and love was very distant.

I think it is Easy for ya'll to say it. Way more difficult to live it for 20 years.

I wouldn't recommend it.

I can admit it now (since I am nameless and faceless)...

I appreciate your honesty and I think you're right. There should be a balance of love, respect, finances and all the other stuff that makes up a marriage.

I think what most people miss ( i missed it initially) when choosing to marry is that LOVE IS A CHOICE.

love is not something we just fall all willy nilly into, love doesn't just happen. It's developed, it must be nurtured, it must be strong as all get out sometimes, it must be all sorts of things to make a marriage work.

I choose to love my husband when he makes me mad as hell,
he told me the other day he would choose to continue to love me and stay with me even if i became a schizophrenic and was in a psych ward -(which did happen to someone I know and he divorced her before she could even warm her new bed up) dh said he would come by to take care of me, because when he chose to love me & marry me- he chose everything that comes along with love.

so with all that being said, I think that if we are better aware of the choice we are making when we decide to love someone, we are better equipped to not only make better choices about who we love, but how we love and take marriage much more seriously.

people like to make love out to be this thing that's all rosy all the time- it ain't!

 

[tiara76]

when i hear most people's definition of "love" and what they think it is I am not surprised why they think it sucks ***, i'd pass on that version and feelings of love as well...
however I don't see too many happy people period esp those marrying for "other" reasons

we have a collective "settle" "safe" "fear" mentality and a very collective warped sense of "love" in my personal opinion and i understand why that warped love doesn't work for people and seems to "destroy" people vs uplift them in all areas of life individually and as union

i will be marrying for love personally....of course what love means to me not the version expressed by alot of others who claim they are in love

 

[JayAnn0513]

Did I marry stricly for love? Nope
Mostly for love? I would say so.
would I do it again? Yes, but differently. I would have worked on a few things a little longer than I did. I would have finished grad school, got a better job, etc.
I don't think marrying stricly is a good idea. Love will have you doing some stupid stuff. Marrying a man with no job, a drug addict, a man in jail...I've seen it too many times.

 

[Amcd]

So does anyone know anyone that has the love, passion, wealth and friendship in marriage?

I can honestly say that I do. My husband and I have been together for 22 years (married 17), and as of right now we have all of them. The love has always been there, the wealth is there, and the passion is here in mass quantities now. To be totally honest though the passion comes and goes. Right now it is here strongly and I am enjoying every minute of it (I'm waiting for him to come home now so I can jump him)! Being in love with him for so long I do know that our marriage has it highs and lows as far as the passion goes, but once the spark is lit (or relit) watch out!

I met my husband when I was 19 just about to turn 20. I was tired of the games guys were playing on campus and decided that my next boyfriend would be one of those nice guys we don't usually give the time of day. I met my husband not too much longer when he came to a party at my school with some of his fraternity brothers. He was serious about his education, and that attracted me. He has been financially successful, that was his plan all along and with a lot of hard work he has done well for himself and our family.

The passion for each other was there in the beginning and has had its ups and downs throughout the years. Accepting that and knowing it won't always be down, coupled with our love and yes the financial security has kept our marriage strong. I can see though how not having a sound financial footing can put strain on a marriage that otherwise would not be there. The friendship is what helps you get along and stay together when the passion may not be running as high as you would like.

 

[hopeful]

So does anyone know anyone that has the love, passion, wealth and friendship in marriage?
....

I do and I feel very blessed. I wasn't looking for wealth though, but I did look for someone who was smart, driven and very hard-working which imo brings wealth eventually. Most of the people I know do not have all three. But I think people would be surprised by how many women (black women included) who do have all three. We may be a small percentage of the population but we do exist...

We'll be married 23 years this summer. I adore him. We are very passionate about each other, always have been. And we have worked very hard at having a good marriage. I would definitely say I married for love first, friendship second, and wealth came over the years.

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

.....................................................

 

[Imani]

I think my natural inclination towards introversion makes me better suited for companionship, especially if we are not living together. Even just spending time with other people in large groups or … , I find draining sometimes. I need alone time to recharge, re group. That is just who I am. If I have been to a party, I need alone time the next day. So, imagine me in a partnership, especially if the person is “clingy” and not independent, as far as being able to entertain themselves.

I can be very loving, jovial and social, if I have a great deal of time alone. If I have that, I can be there for you. I love hanging out with people in small intimate groups/setting, as long as it does not last all day. However, I still prefer my space. I would probably do well with some kind of monastic lifestyle.

It might take real love, a spiritual partnership and … for me to feel differently. Even then, I would hope and pray that he would want separate bedrooms, and maybe even separate houses. Love doesn’t have to exist under the same roof to work; in fact, it might work better if it doesn’t.

Nothing to add to the topic as I am not married. But I feel the exact same way about my personal space. everytime i take one of those personality tests I get 100% introverted. The thought of sharing a bedroom and bathroom with someone 24/7 seems very depressing to me. I keep wondering will I always be this way or will I "fall in love" and magically be ok with it. Right now, I want my own place and someone to link up with a few nights a week to hang out and chat. I also don't want any kids, never have and wonder if my mind will magically change about that as well.

 

[SugarBaby]

This board can be so Powerful when it is allowed.


I thank all the ladies that did not judge a choice that was right for me at THAT time...I was actual scared to say it. Some posters use info against other posters and it is so unproductive.

Many times I go into threads and ladies will judge, sling mud for a person's personal choice, leave snarky comments and it is a mess.

The only reason I revealed my story is to enlighten some younger member and/or member re-marrying that may think choosing wealth/business as primary choice in marriage is the way to go. For ME, it did not bring happiness.

This thread has caused me to rethink and challenge some head stuff.

Thank you ladies.

 

[MD_Lady]

This board can be so Powerful when it is allowed.

I thank all the ladies that did not judge a choice that was right for me at THAT time...I was actual scared to say it. Some posters use info against other posters and it is so unproductive.

Many times I go into threads and ladies will judge, sling mud for a person's personal choice, leave snarky comments and it is a mess.

The only reason I revealed my story is to enlighten some younger member and/or member re-marrying that may think choosing wealth/business as primary choice in marriage is the way to go. For ME, it did not bring happiness.

This thread has caused me to rethink and challenge some head stuff.

Thank you ladies.

And thank you for sharing your personal experiences. People may not always agree with one another, but threads like this are MUCH better when a variety of views and experiences are shared.

 

[SugarBaby]

And thank you for sharing your personal experiences. People may not always agree with one another, but threads like this are MUCH better when a variety of views and experiences are shared.

I so agree.

Women are the most powerful creatures on the earth without question.

We just need to learn to use our COLLECTIVE power to learn and grow.

 

[UmSumayyah]

I married for love.

I am one of those who thinks that stability is important. I also define love as more than just that dreamy eyed look you get when you see his picture.

We can ask ourselves, why do we love someone?

Part of dh's loveability comes from his drive to provide for himself and his family. Like I've said before, dude didn't have squat when we met but he's done well. When I saw that he when he said he had x,y, and z plan, he meant to ACT on it, I was impressed. I love and respect that about him.

Part of his loveability is the fact that he's responsible.

And yes, part of it is that he makes me laugh, his dreamy eyes , and the fact that we can talk for hours about any and everything.

It's based on many things. I couldn't do "Hollywood Style" love alone, because all that fades when the eviction notice comes, there's no money for diapers and dude is posted up on the couch having spent the rent money on a Playstation and new games.

I couldn't do money alone, because that would be empty and if dude makes a bad decision a la investing with Madoff and loses it all, there's nothing to hold us together and I would resent him and resent myself.

I'm not half ragging on dudes that don't make alot of money. But if he's not then he needs to be willing to live accordingly. Buy a modest house in an area with low property taxes, don't go nuts on fancy upgrades, be happy throwing horseshoes in the yard with your friends rather than spending alot of money on Guitar Hero. And be able to fix things around the house instead of having to call a repairman for everything. I'm happy to grow our own veggies and make bread and patch up the hole in your Wranglers. I just want to know that you are responsible and the bills are paid and we don't have debt threatening our lives.

 

[MizAvalon]

Thank all you ladies for contributing! This thread is going very well, I'm glad I started it.

 

[*5+5]

For me, I'll have to be one of those women to learn this by way of experience, right now I couldn't fathom committing for life to someone that I wasn't madly in love with. That maybe very naive of me, considering the responses in this thread, but the thought of learning or growing to love after ‘I do’ isn't an option yet.

If I marry my SO it will be strictly for LOVE. One of the things that worry me the most about my SO is his family and the war stories I know of his childhood.

He's not good with money, he pays the bills and blows the rest. He makes a lot of money yet still blows it all.

I make a lot of money and since we've been living together I seem to have been blowin' a lot.

I was more financially sound before we moved in together and I came from paying all my bills alone to sharing them. I'll never tell him know that tho.

 

[ThickHair]

I married my ex for love. I still love him but I see that it was only love, we were not compatable in any other ways especially money. I tried not to make a big deal out of money and I downplayed it a lot but it was a huge factor in me wanting a divorce. I turned into the man (provider) in the relationship. I thought that I was cool with it, but in the end I wasn't. I never threw it up in his face, he was the one constantly mentioning it. I just would tell him it get's better. I tried to hang in there until the child support ended but I couldn't.

So if I marry again, love will be high on the list but a man being able to provide, when\if needed will be #1.

 

[tiara76]

This board can be so Powerful when it is allowed.


I thank all the ladies that did not judge a choice that was right for me at THAT time...I was actual scared to say it. Some posters use info against other posters and it is so unproductive.

Many times I go into threads and ladies will judge, sling mud for a person's personal choice, leave snarky comments and it is a mess.

The only reason I revealed my story is to enlighten some younger member and/or member re-marrying that may think choosing wealth/business as primary choice in marriage is the way to go. For ME, it did not bring happiness.

This thread has caused me to rethink and challenge some head stuff.

Thank you ladies.

thank you for sharing....so many people front and pretend and throw up facades thats its refreshing when people keep it real.....people have all different reasons for marrying or doing anything else in life...all i have to say is that be real with yourself and know what your true intentions and motivations are and be OKAY with those intentions and motivations...

in life happiness is not anything that can be attained with external circumstances..and sometimes it takes searching for it externally and not getting it to realize it truly comes from within, so every experience is beneficial to you in the long run

do you want to marry again....if you are divorced?

 

[michelle81]

I think when deciding who/when to marry, that wealth is relative. If you're both 20 y/o and in college together, then unless you have your parents' money you're not wealthy.

What is wealth anyway? 5k in the bank? 5 million in the bank?

Ambition and actively seeking goals can also mean wealth or future wealth when considering the age of the spouse/SO.

What happens if you marry a 30 y/o doctor who then becomes paralyzed or has a major illness and is unable to work. What if the love hadn't "grown" before his illness occurs and you did infact marry for money first?
Then you're left with a guy that you don't love and is unable to provide in the way he used to.

I talk about the above because my DH got very sick (temporarily paralyzed) last year and I had to help him do a lot of things you never think you'd have to help your 30 y/o hubby do (help him get dressed, help him bathe, drive him to physical therapy). When all of that was going on, I was thinking there was no way in heck I could do that stuff for someone I didn't truly love him.

 

[michelle81]

I wanted to add that I didn't marry only for love. I wouldn't have married him if he weren't where he was in life, if I couldn't talk to him and tell him everything, and of course if he didn't "fit" with my lifestyle at the time.

But love was certainly at the top.

 

[Ramya]

I think my natural inclination towards introversion makes me better suited for companionship, especially if we are not living together. Even just spending time with other people in large groups or … , I find draining sometimes. I need alone time to recharge, re group. That is just who I am. If I have been to a party, I need alone time the next day. So, imagine me in a partnership, especially if the person is “clingy” and not independent, as far as being able to entertain themselves.

I can be very loving, jovial and social, if I have a great deal of time alone. If I have that, I can be there for you. I love hanging out with people in small intimate groups/setting, as long as it does not last all day. However, I still prefer my space. I would probably do well with some kind of monastic lifestyle.

It might take real love, a spiritual partnership and … for me to feel differently. Even then, I would hope and pray that he would want separate bedrooms, and maybe even separate houses. Love doesn’t have to exist under the same roof to work; in fact, it might work better if it doesn’t.

OMG I could have wrote this myself. *sigh*

 

[michelle81]

Hmm, this is a hard question. Sometimes I wonder if I love my husband, I mean love my husband like I read about on here i.e: "coloring ALL the time", can't keep our hands off each other, passion, passion, passion, would I be happy?

I mean don't get me wrong I love my husband. We have fun together, we have similar tastes and want to be comfortable, but we are also practical. We both had relationships where love was all that we had, and it didn't work out for either of us.

I like what we have and I would do it again....with him. That probably sounds stupid. We love each other, but we are not horndogs all the time, and we don't live in bed. We want a comfortable life and we've made sacrifices to get on that path.

I wonder what would have happened if I had married the "more well off" guy before my husband. I'd probably be divorced. Because I'd probably realize that "love" was the only thing we had in common.

I think for most that have been with someone past the infatuation stage that passion waxes and wanes. My DH and I aren't 24/7 just all over each other. For one it's not practical with jobs and kids, and sometimes we're just mad at each other for some reason or another.

I'll say that we have a good stretch of passion going on at the moment, but if someone had asked me last month, I'd probably just say No Comment.

 

[nychaelasymone]

I think when deciding who/when to marry, that wealth is relative. If you're both 20 y/o and in college together, then unless you have your parents' money you're not wealthy.

What is wealth anyway? 5k in the bank? 5 million in the bank?

Ambition and actively seeking goals can also mean wealth or future wealth when considering the age of the spouse/SO.

What happens if you marry a 30 y/o doctor who then becomes paralyzed or has a major illness and is unable to work. What if the love hadn't "grown" before his illness occurs and you did infact marry for money first?
Then you're left with a guy that you don't love and is unable to provide in the way he used to.

I talk about the above because my DH got very sick (temporarily paralyzed) last year and I had to help him do a lot of things you never think you'd have to help your 30 y/o hubby do (help him get dressed, help him bathe, drive him to physical therapy). When all of that was going on, I was thinking there was no way in heck I could do that stuff for someone I didn't truly love him.

I'm so sorry you endured this but I pray your hubby is doing much better and I pray you are doing well.

I think there are so many facets to making a clear decision to marry someone and I believe everyone has their own definition of love. For me 'love' is not #1 its actually #3 but my #2 is that my man must be my 'ace' 'bes tfriend' and if anything happened to him, I'd be there to support and do my part. My Pastor made some interesting points to the men in our congregation about ensuring their family is taken care of in the event of a life changing event, for example having adequate life and health insurance, long term care benefits, etc. It did sound strange to me at first but it continued to solidify my belief that marriage is a business first....and not in the cold sense of the word either, but proper management creates an atmosphere of harmony. I truly don't know many people as organized and family oriented as my pastor but he truly is a good example of a good man and father (from what I know of him). I know I'm all over the place but hopefully u c where I'm coming from.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I have been reading through all the responses and alot of people talk about how friendship is more important than love for them.

Do you not love your best friends? People become your best friends partly because of the love you have for them and the confidence you feel with them.
I dont think I would make someone my best friend if I didnt first love that person. I like my 'friends' but I LOVE my best friends.

also...
What kind of love are we referring to, amorous love or agape love?
That fading amorous love is consistently on a rollercoaster but that agape does conquer all in my opinion if you let it. Amorous love is sometimes not a conscious choice but agape 100% is your choice to exercise and live by. And its the apage love that gets you through the years of marriage, friendship, family, career fullfillment, etc.

 

[SugarBaby]

thank you for sharing....so many people front and pretend and throw up facades thats its refreshing when people keep it real.....people have all different reasons for marrying or doing anything else in life...all i have to say is that be real with yourself and know what your true intentions and motivations are and be OKAY with those intentions and motivations...

in life happiness is not anything that can be attained with external circumstances..and sometimes it takes searching for it externally and not getting it to realize it truly comes from within, so every experience is beneficial to you in the long run

do you want to marry again....if you are divorced?

Tiara,

Whew! Whenever you speak, I feel like laying on the counselor couch and just listening...

You Always have wonderful wisdom that is always loving, forgiving and open to receive.

Yes, I do want to marry again.

Unfortunately...Here I go, again telling on myself...When you allow yourself to take love out of the picture for a very long time. You tell yourself (wrongly) that you are fine, you don't need love, like a few ladies mentioned just a little companionship every now and then...

I found that was not the answer. You give away too much of yourself b/c of the lack of fulfillment. I have Made a lot of mistakes trying to fill up the emptiness.

In all honesty, I am not ready.

 

[SugarBaby]

Did not post correctly.

 

[Ladybelle]

I have been reading through all the responses and alot of people talk about how friendship is more important than love for them.

Do you not love your best friends? People become your best friends partly because of the love you have for them and the confidence you feel with them.
I dont think I would make someone my best friend if I didnt first love that person. I like my 'friends' but I LOVE my best friends.

also...
What kind of love are we referring to, amorous love or agape love?
That fading amorous love is consistently on a rollercoaster but that agape does conquer all in my opinion if you let it. Amorous love is sometimes not a conscious choice but agape 100% is your choice to exercise and live by. And its the apage love that gets you through the years of marriage, friendship, family, career fullfillment, etc.

I'm referring to agape. Amorous love will get you nowhere fast.

 

[SugarBaby]

when i hear most people's definition of "love" and what they think it is I am not surprised why they think it sucks ***, i'd pass on that version and feelings of love as well...
however I don't see too many happy people period esp those marrying for "other" reasons

we have a collective "settle" "safe" "fear" mentality and a very collective warped sense of "love" in my personal opinion and i understand why that warped love doesn't work for people and seems to "destroy" people vs uplift them in all areas of life individually and as union

i will be marrying for love personally....of course what love means to me not the version expressed by alot of others who claim they are in love[/QUOTE]



Would love you to share more on your views on the bolded Tiara.....