Interracial Dating and Haircare

[january noir]

Disclaimer: I apologize if this is TMI for you ladies...

My current boyfriend is Caucasian and I am his first Black love interest.
I am not new to interracial dating but it is for him, however this relationship has turned quite serious - he's a "keeper."

My question is for you ladies who might share this experience is: how do you initiate persons from other races/ethnicity to our way of doing hair? I want to share my experience with him without making him feel like "us" vs. "them" just because I think he's the one... (anyone else I wouldn't give a DAYUM!)

"Bob" was the sweetest love when I asked him the other day if he minded if I "deep conditioned." He said, "no, go right ahead." As he was leaving to go to work he said, "what is that you have in your hair anyway?" I said "olive oil and ingredients that smell like oranges." (it was the ORS Replenishing Pak) He bent down and stuck his nose in my hair and said, "Oh yeah! I can smell the oranges!" He kissed me deeply and departed." I was like .

The really cool thing about our relationship is that when I first started dating him and the first time spending the night at his home, I noticed he had the HUGE bottle of Nexus Humectress and RUSK shampoo in his shower (he has gorgeous long hair by the way) and I knew immediately we had a "great" deal in common! . I found out he is as much a PJ as I am when it comes to haircare and grooming. LAWD help us...

 

[KhandiB]

I mean, our hair is different but we need the same things...

Its not a us against them, you need more because you are a woman and because you use chemical processes .. (im assuming you do)

Thats all

 

[lsubabiedee]

well, i have been in a few IR relationships, and I can say that I've pretty much never really explained anything to the men.
If they have questions, then I answer, but other than that, i dont say anything.

 

[CalJay]

Hey,

I have been with my hubby (white) for almost 7 years. And hair isn't something that we "talk" about. He knows that I am trying to take better care of my hair. But really for the most part he uses Pert Plus and thats it. He doesn't have any interest at all into what I'm doing. He walks in the bathroom and he is like "Wow what is all that stuff on the counter?" Thats whenever I have it out. Or if he smells something he will ask what that is. Or whatever, but thats really it. He isn't gonna be relaxing his hair. Or he isn't worried about it being straight or about newgrowth...lol. But really sometimes I use his Pert Plus if thats all I have on hand.

 

[Isis]

well, i have been in a few IR relationships, and I can say that I've pretty much never really explained anything to the men.
If they have questions, then I answer, but other than that, i dont say anything.

Same here. Many if not most of the product lines we share about on this board, like Aveda, Nexxus, Giovanni, etc. are universal rather than just for black hair.

 

[january noir]

Hey,

I have been with my hubby (white) for almost 7 years. And hair isn't something that we "talk" about. He knows that I am trying to take better care of my hair. But really for the most part he uses Pert Plus and thats it. He doesn't have any interest at all into what I'm doing. He walks in the bathroom and he is like "Wow what is all that stuff on the counter?" Thats whenever I have it out. Or if he smells something he will ask what that is. Or whatever, but thats really it. He isn't gonna be relaxing his hair. Or he isn't worried about it being straight or about newgrowth...lol. But really sometimes I use his Pert Plus if thats all I have on hand.

I hear you! That's how it's been for the most part for me! I use what he has in the house and it's been pretty much the same stuff I use anyway.

 

[hopeful]

No advice here but I'm just happy for you, your SO sounds really sweet. Just have fun! If he's like most men all that will matter is that your hair is clean and pretty.

 

[CalJay]

No advice here but I'm just happy for you, your SO sounds really sweet. Just have fun! If he's like most men all that will matter is that your hair is clean and pretty.

Mine is hardly ever clean or pretty...lol But I think my hubby is used to it now.

Also, I have always been in an inter-racial relationships, never dated any black men and hair hasn't been an issue. Its just whatever.
Oh you should watch "Something New" I Love that movie!

 

[gimbap]

I may get stoned for this...

But I notice a lot ladies on the board (at least a lot to me) have caucasian significant others/husbands... do you feel the need to grow your hair long so that you can compete with white women?? Does your caucasian SO/husband ever ask questions like "Why don't a lot of black woman have long hair" or try to persuade you to look more european in terms of hair?

Just curious...

 

[lsubabiedee]

I may get stoned for this...

But I notice a lot ladies on the board (at least a lot to me) have caucasian significant others/husbands... do you feel the need to grow your hair long so that you can compete with white women?? Does your caucasian SO/husband ever ask questions like "Why don't a lot of black woman have long hair" or try to persuade you to look more european in terms of hair?

Just curious...

i dont feel the need to grow my hair long to compete with anyone. i dont see longer hair on white women for the most part.
my SO could care less about the length of my hair.
he had never asked me to straighten my hair, nor has he seen my hair straight, so he has never tried to persuade me to do anything to my hair that i didnt want to do.

i honestly dont date men that have problems with my hair. i drop them with the quickness.

 

[lovelymissyoli]

...I noticed he had the HUGE bottle of Nexus Humectress and RUSK shampoo in his shower (he has gorgeous long hair by the way) and I knew immediately we had a "great" deal in common! . I found out he is as much a PJ as I am when it comes to haircare and grooming. LAWD help us...

I'm sorry but when I read this I started .... you two sound like a match made in product junkie heaven!

 

[Ayeshia]

it seems like the only men that are on my case about me straightening my hair are black men. Every single date that I have been on someone always questioned how "long" it was if I were to press it out and would like to see what I would look like with my hair straightened. I show them my senior pic of my relaxed hair and tell them that I will not be straigtening anytime soon so memorize the pic My white love interests always expressed how much they loved my hair or how different it was and never inquired about me wearing hair weaves or request that I straighten it.

 

[LadyJ76]

I've been with my husband for almost 7 years and he just accepts my hair as a part of me. My pjism and interest in haircare is something he just contributes to me being a woman and not because I'm black. A year and a half ago I went natural and heard negative comments from everyone else in my family except from him. I had a TWA and he liked this better than my short relaxed hair. But for the most part he doesn't really think about it either way.

 

[cmw45]

I may get stoned for this...

But I notice a lot ladies on the board (at least a lot to me) have caucasian significant others/husbands... do you feel the need to grow your hair long so that you can compete with white women?? Does your caucasian SO/husband ever ask questions like "Why don't a lot of black woman have long hair" or try to persuade you to look more european in terms of hair?

Just curious...

You probably won't get stoned...this was definitely already a topic and I'm pretty sure there was a poll. From what I remember there we more women on the board with SO's of color than with white SO's...not that there would be a problem if it were the reverse.

 

[ebonylocs]

I think most (intelligent, open-minded) men, of whatever race, don't care much about what you do to your hair. If they like a style, they might comment on it, or if it looks especially raggedy, they might comment on it. Otherwise, since they are with you, they probably like how you look, think your hair suits you, and leave it at that. OR they might make a fuss if you make a big CHANGE at some point when you are ALREADY in the relationship. I've been in relationships with extension braids, natural short and long, Wave Nouveau short and long, relaxed short and long, and most guys didn't seem to notice one way or the other.

oobrittany: If you go on "nappturality.com", a website for Black women with natural hair that has a definite black empowerment theme going on, you will find that a large (maybe disproportionate) number of women on there have white / other spouses. And threads are always started about how white spouses seem to support a change to natural hair more than black men do, or how on going natural, the number of black men trying to holler decreases while the number of white men checking you out increases.

Now that has not been *my* experience, and I don't know if it is completely true. But as another poster commented, it may be black guys who are more hung up on the idea of "long", "straight" or "good" hair - because of all the historical baggage we carry. While many white guys just think of black hair as something different and maybe cool.

OP: You will not be sharing to your boyfriend how "we" i.e. black women, do our hair, but how *you* do your hair. Not all black women relax, deep condition, or use lots of hair products. Some just do the minimum. So what you do to your hair is an aspect of *you* that your BF will discover as time passes.

 

[nelli711]

I've been with my boyfriend almost 5 1/2 years and he is white. Before me, he knew nothing about black hair. Hair wasn't a big deal to him. Yes, he has asked a couple questions about "our" hair when the relationship was new and answered his questions and we left it at that. He couldn't care less if I was bald, so no I do not feel like I have to compete growing my hair out with white women.

Now...he knows a good deal about hair because I talk to him about it, only because I love to talk about hair. I remember a story he told me not too long ago, he was at work and him and a couple of white women got on the discussion of hair, and one of the women had made a comment that black hair doesnt grow and how our hair stays short and he told me to told them that black hair does grow and went into this big discussion about black haircare. LoL I was impressed!! All the times when I talk to him about hair and products, I never really thought he was actually listening to me. He gets so tired about me talking about hair to him but I don't talk to anyone else about it because no one else understands. All in all, I was happy he educated some of them white women a little bit about our hair.

 

[sweetwhispers]

I think most (intelligent, open-minded) men, of whatever race, don't care much about what you do to your hair. If they like a style, they might comment on it, or if it looks especially raggedy, they might comment on it. Otherwise, since they are with you, they probably like how you look, think your hair suits you, and leave it at that. OR they might make a fuss if you make a big CHANGE at some point when you are ALREADY in the relationship. I've been in relationships with extension braids, natural short and long, Wave Nouveau short and long, relaxed short and long, and most guys didn't seem to notice one way or the other.

oobrittany: If you go on "nappturality.com", a website for Black women with natural hair that has a definite black empowerment theme going on, you will find that a large (maybe disproportionate) number of women on there have white / other spouses. And threads are always started about how white spouses seem to support a change to natural hair more than black men do, or how on going natural, the number of black men trying to holler decreases while the number of white men checking you out increases.

Now that has not been *my* experience, and I don't know if it is completely true. But as another poster commented, it may be black guys who are more hung up on the idea of "long", "straight" or "good" hair - because of all the historical baggage we carry. While many white guys just think of black hair as something different and maybe cool.

OP: You will not be sharing to your boyfriend how "we" i.e. black women, do our hair, but how *you* do your hair. Not all black women relax, deep condition, or use lots of hair products. Some just do the minimum. So what you do to your hair is an aspect of *you* that your BF will discover as time passes.

Good Post.

 

[MeechUK]

Hi Januarynoir,
I liked your thread and wanted to post a response. I have many "white" friends who are culturally and socially aware and very opened minded, about black people. I find that in some instances they know more about hair care than some black people.

Whoever you fall in love with, accepts you and what you do implicitly especially if you are not hurting yourself or anyone else for that matter. I was once at a friend's house and she was in the process of weaving her hair. Her boyfriend at the time opened a packet of hair and rubbed it into his face, I asked him what he was doing and he simply said "some of the hair she uses is rough man, but this is niceeee and soft and won't give me spots or scratch my face!" LOL. After my initial shock, to me that made sense because it was him whose face would be in her hair.

All races use some kind of hair product, treatment or grease to style and condition their hair, so dating black people is no different.

Happy New Year everyone,
MeechUK

 

[Sha76]

I may get stoned for this...

But I notice a lot ladies on the board (at least a lot to me) have caucasian significant others/husbands... do you feel the need to grow your hair long so that you can compete with white women?? Does your caucasian SO/husband ever ask questions like "Why don't a lot of black woman have long hair" or try to persuade you to look more european in terms of hair?

Just curious...

No you are not going to get stoned for this..


But, my husband is white (together 7 glorious years-dating and married), he is not too concerned about how I care or even style my hair. I have grown int out and cut it down to a TWA. I just deceided to grow it out again and relax it. Why, this infamous ponytail that I so love.

I never thought that I can be in competition with white women( they have nothing on me, lol). He has never tried to get me to straighten my hair, in fact, he tries to keep from doing so.

As far as care, he is totally surprised that most black women don't wash their hair that often ( I am his first and last interracial relationship-till death do us part). Especially since I wash every other day.

OP- you guys were made in heaven. Much luck.

 

[WomanlyCharm]

I may get stoned for this...

But I notice a lot ladies on the board (at least a lot to me) have caucasian significant others/husbands... do you feel the need to grow your hair long so that you can compete with white women?? Does your caucasian SO/husband ever ask questions like "Why don't a lot of black woman have long hair" or try to persuade you to look more european in terms of hair?

Just curious...

No stones from here!

For me it's not about trying to compete with white women...it's about liking how I look with long hair. I just think it frames my face better. The only men who've ever complained about the lenght and straightness of my hair are black.

My man and I don't talk that much about what I do to my hair, he accepts my craziness as a woman thing, not a black thing. The only thing he was surprised about was my silk "bonnet" I wear to bed...now he jokes about wanting one for himself, and makes sure I have it on before we turn off the lights!

 

[gloomgeisha]

Tommy doesn't want me to straighten my hair at all. He's so afraid I'll mess my hair up that I think he hid my FHI somewhere in his toolbox. I spent nearly two years pampering my hair to get it this far, the last thing he wants to see is a mishap-

He'll never hear the end of it.

The only people who insist that I should straighten my hair are some of my family members, but I don't listen to women with a worse comb over than Donal Trump.

 

[skoloco]

I may get stoned for this...

But I notice a lot ladies on the board (at least a lot to me) have caucasian significant others/husbands... do you feel the need to grow your hair long so that you can compete with white women?? Does your caucasian SO/husband ever ask questions like "Why don't a lot of black woman have long hair" or try to persuade you to look more european in terms of hair?

Just curious...

My husband is caucasian and I have wanted long hair ever since I was a little girl...so men in my life didn't have anything to do with it. My husband has never asked me to do anything in particular with my hair; if I feel good about how I look, then he is happy. He loves my unconditionally.

 

[Mystic]

OP..., just be "You" and do your hair care thing. Your SO will be fascinated initially with your haircare because it's new to him. He will get used to your routine and after a while, it becomes normal to him. He might stay interested in your hair if you have a hair goal and keep him involved in the process by educating him about your haircare. My SO (been together for 6.5 years) is my hair photographer so everytime I relax, if he is available, he grabs the camera and ask, "ready for your progress shot?"

 

[KhandiB]

Nope ............

I may get stoned for this...

But I notice a lot ladies on the board (at least a lot to me) have caucasian significant others/husbands... do you feel the need to grow your hair long so that you can compete with white women?? Does your caucasian SO/husband ever ask questions like "Why don't a lot of black woman have long hair" or try to persuade you to look more european in terms of hair?

Just curious...

 

[Curlee_lurker]

I guess I kind of shouldn't respond, as I'm not currently in an IR. But this is my first black SO. He's the only one that's ever even seemed to care about my hair. He asks more questions about my hair than my white SOs ever have.

He assumes that I "care" for my hair the same way other women he's been with do. When I say I'm straightening my hair I mean flat ironing, he assumes relaxing. He asks me questions about why I wash it so often and other funny questions.

White ones have never seemed concerned. Neither have my friends. I don't know if that's because I have a whole lot of, fine strand 3b hair and some of them have family members that are white that have close to the same texture as me and there's nothing too exciting about it.

 

[CalJay]

i dont feel the need to grow my hair long to compete with anyone. i dont see longer hair on white women for the most part.
my SO could care less about the length of my hair.
he had never asked me to straighten my hair, nor has he seen my hair straight, so he has never tried to persuade me to do anything to my hair that i didnt want to do.

i honestly dont date men that have problems with my hair. i drop them with the quickness.

Same with mine..he doesn't care really what my hair looks like. He has seen me with my hair sticking up all over the place. he has seem me without straight hair those 10 months I was pregnant with our son. Really for us hair is there to keep the head warm. And he has said that. He has made the comments on "I don't think you need all that stuff for your hair" Which is true. We have no issues with hair and we rarely talk about it.

 

[cat eyes]

good thread!

 

[thefineprint]

i totally get where you are coming from. my fiance is white and i am the first black girl he has ever been with. when we met i was transitioning and he thought my extentions were real. i had to break it down for him. 5 months later i big chopped and he LOVED IT! he begged me not to go back to relaxed hair again ( i showed him pictures of how it looked before). at first i was paranoid and scared to have him see me walk around with my satin scarf at night or see my hair all 'nappified' but he didn't even notice. i realized i was being that way for nothing. occasionally he hounds me for all the products sitting the cupboard taking up space but he loves my nexxus humectress now and i have to beat him off of it. he is also amazed by how much work our hair takes, because he has fine blond hair that he just shampoos each morning.

 

[Lucie]

I may get stoned for this...

But I notice a lot ladies on the board (at least a lot to me) have caucasian significant others/husbands... do you feel the need to grow your hair long so that you can compete with white women?? Does your caucasian SO/husband ever ask questions like "Why don't a lot of black woman have long hair" or try to persuade you to look more european in terms of hair?

Just curious...

No. Plus I don't think I would be with a man asking a stupid question like that.

 

[camellia]

My husband and I have been together for over 10 years. This is his first interracial relationship(and last!), but not mine.

He has always dated women with long dark hair and the general "obsession" long haired women have with their hair is nothing new to him. He also grew up with two sisters, so he's used to sharing a bathroom full of different products, clips, hair tools, ect...

As far as "competing" with white women, no the idea has never even crossed my mind. Actually, I have longer hair than most of the white women (other than family) that I know. I know my hair is longer than any woman's that DH has dated before. I just like the way long hair looks and feels.

DH prefers curly hair, big, full curls. Most people tell me my hair looks better curly. The only ones who really think I should straighten it are my own younger sisters.