Interracial dating and potential marriage

[kayte]

Again.... I..reiiterate what is key.. is how or most importantly IF
he is integrating you into his inner personal life
Within the first few months imho..those things begin to surface in a relationship once it's clear the connection is solidfying and taking on longevity and a serious scope

have you met his family?
are you a regular established presence at family events?
known as his girl before you even meet significant people..like
his best friends?
and if he's talking of a future with you in it?
any talk about kids?

if he has...
then while that in of itself..is no guarantee..it is a indicator of the way things are progressing and that race is not a factor,here.

if he hasn't......or if not
done any of that...the concerns about black /white take on valid substance and it might be what prompted you to start the thread

my four cents

 

[LaPetiteCoquette]

LaPetiteCoquette,

This is something he did not imply because if he did I'm no fool I wouldn't be here now discussing this issue now. Just as there are black women who were considered good enough to marry by I white man I am sure there are black women who weren't good enough to marry by a white man.

Good luck with that, I was just giving advice. Of course there are black women who weren't considered "good enough" to their white boyfriends, but that would just beg the question as to why any woman would want to be with any man (regardless of race) if they are not "good enough" in their man's eyes. You may not be good enough for a black man because you lack education, or you're not skinny, you're not from the right side of town, etc. (not you, but the hypothetical "you"). You may not be good enough for anyone for a whole host of reasons that have nothing to do with race ....

Point is, you need to have this discussion with him since he is the only one who can give you insight as to whether you are "good enough." I've been down that particular interracial road before, so I'm not saying it doesn't happen. But I just know what I did in those situations ... and it didn't involve too much pondering.

Good luck!

 

[DSP]

DH and I started dating when I was 20 and he was 25. He introduced me to his father within two month of us becoming serious. After six months of dating, I flat out asked him "Where do you see this relationship heading?" His answer: "I can see us being m-ma-mar... committed. " This was me: . Six months later we moved in together (with the understanding it was a "pre-engagement" move only). He introduced me to his grandfather and cousins. Six months after THAT, he proposed and we were engaged for a year and a half. On July 4th this year we celebrated our 19th anniversary.

Just ask him what his intentions are. It should be clear if his words match his actions. Speculation is a waste of time if you're both not on the same relationship wavelength.

 

[MD_Lady]

I have been involved in an interracial relationship for the last 6 months and all is well. This is my first interracial relationship and it has turned out to be everything I anticipated and more.

I will be 37 years old next month and I'd like to get married, but at my age I cannot waste my time with dead end relationships. With that being said call me crazy, paranoid or PMS'n, but I am concerned because I need to make sure I am not dating a white man who may feel I am good enough to date, but not good enough to marry. He has never given me any reason to believe that this is his mindset, but keep in mind this is his first interracial relationship as well. And please believe I am not jumping the gun wanting this man to marry me, but if this is how he thinks then I do not want to waste my time.

Are my concerns valid?erplexed

I think your concerns in bold can be answered by the underlined. I understand where you're coming from, but white men (like men of any race) are individuals first and foremost. He is showing you that he is a decent person, run with it until that changes.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I think your concerns in bold can be answered by the underlined. I understand where you're coming from, but white men (like men of any race) are individuals first and foremost. He is showing you that he is a decent person, run with it until that changes.

ITA


Trust if you were a "chocolate" experiment you would be a hit and run first and foremost. These types of men are either extremely young in the mind, perverts, or white supremicists...or all threeerplexed They dont get into committed relationships to see how long they can string this "black" woman along until they can find the right white woman to marry.

And if he didnt want to marry you, it wouldnt be because you're black, it might feel like a blow to the face moreso because you're black, but that's a personal issue from you not him.
He sounds like a good guy so far. Dont let this issue consume you. I see you are in your late 30s so if you feel as though its not going in that direction soon....thn move on. There are several ways you can ask him what his intentions are without sounding like a desperate wanna be housewife

 

[song_of_serenity]

Overjoyed, please sit there and talk with your S.O about all that bothers you. I'm sure he'll clarify. Look within yourself to see if there's anything that you might be fearing and putting on him.
~*Janelle~*

 

[tmichelle]

ITA


Trust if you were a "chocolate" experiment you would be a hit and run first and foremost. These types of men are either extremely young in the mind, perverts, or white supremicists...or all threeerplexed They dont get into committed relationships to see how long they can string this "black" woman along until they can find the right white woman to marry.

And if he didnt want to marry you, it wouldnt be because you're black, it might feel like a blow to the face moreso because you're black, but that's a personal issue from you not him.
He sounds like a good guy so far. Dont let this issue consume you. I see you are in your late 30s so if you feel as though its not going in that direction soon....thn move on. There are several ways you can ask him what his intentions are without sounding like a desperate wanna be housewife

 

[firecracker]

We are going out to dinner tomorrow and I am going to bring it up. The only thing is I do not want to seem as if I am "pressuring him to make a choice" or implying "he must marry me" because that is not the issue. I just want to make it clear that if he is one of those who will date a black woman, but will not marry one then he needs to go -immediately!

Uh he doesn't need to go. You would need to do the stepping if you feel he is truly like that.

I think 6 months is a good time to start asking yourself and him a few real important questions since you do want to get married. You don't have to be too direct. I would cease the moment or opportunity to discuss important relationship issues without coming off like I'm trying to direct your/our future.

 

[PeaceFlow]

If you think about men in general and how they marry, cohabit and sex women you will see that its not a IR concern. How come Black men dont worry about whether their white woman would marry them? Its just a rumour to keep Black women in check so we don't feel non blacks want us for anything more than sex if it goes into relationship then they will say "he won't marry her"

Maybe you need to sort out your thinking before you accuse him of being racist, if he does want to marry you that will take the shine off real quick! Imagine if he asked you "are you one of those black female goldiggas that wants me for money".
Just ask him if how he feels about marriage in general

 

[Bunny77]

No, this is NOT about me being 37 years old and not wanting to waste years this is about me as a black woman being good enough to date, but not good enough to marry. Let's keep it real interracial dating is on the rise...just look at this board, but a harsh reality is that it is still a taboo in white families.

Actually, I gotta agree with JCoily on this one.

I do understand where you're coming from... honestly, I do. But it seems that with every post you've made involving this man, you're always ready to assume the worst because he's white and because your mama and friends and etc., etc., have told you that white men do this, that and the third... and hey, SOME do, but you are putting this poor man behind the 8-ball based on stereotypes and he's been nothing but wonderful, based on what you've told us so far.

I have been dating a WM for the last four months. Now, I'm "just" 30, but like you, I don't want to waste time with a man -- any man -- that is not trying to marry me. But as I would with a BM, I just look at the context clues to see how serious this man is. And so far, all signs are good.

-He introduced me to his family within a month and they've had me over for breakfast, lunch, dinner and other events. Sometimes I've had to decline because I'd be missing out on things with my OWN family. Now, I think this is a good sign that this dude is serious if he and his family are FREQUENTLY including me in activities.
-He's talked about me to all of his close friends and they want to meet me.
-He did not pressure me for sex. If he was a WM who wanted a "chocolate fantasy," he would have tried to hit and quit. He has done nothing of the sort.
-In general conversation, he talks about the "long term." Now I know that doesn't equal a statement that he will marry me, but only one other man that I've dated (of any color) has ever spoken about us being together in the future. The fact that he speaks of a future with me in it is a good sign.

Now... he could throw me a curveball. But at least based on all that I've seen, there is nothing to indicate that he'd think that I was good enough to date, but not to marry because I was black. For me to even ask him that question or bring it up would be hurtful to him (knowing his personality) because it would seem like I was questioning his devotion to me and accusing him of being racist, to a degree.

Before me, he dated an Indian woman and this woman once asked him why he would want her when he could have a "hot blonde." He was bothered by this statement because he was not interested in "hot blondes" and wanted to be with her... so why would she even question his dedication to her?

Okay, long story short... all I'm saying is that if you want to be in an IR relationship, you need to dump the stereotypes. Yes, it's fine to be aware of them, but if you keep casting doubt upon this man, you might just lose out on a great thing... and it won't be because of anything that HE did.

You can listen to other folks all you want, but it's YOUR life, YOUR relationship and YOUR potential marriage. All they seem to be doing right now is talking you out of being with YOUR potential husband!

 

[mnemosyne]

DH and I started dating when I was 20 and he was 25. He introduced me to his father within two month of us becoming serious. After six months of dating, I flat out asked him "Where do you see this relationship heading?" His answer: "I can see us being m-ma-mar... committed. " This was me: . Six months later we moved in together (with the understanding it was a "pre-engagement" move only). He introduced me to his grandfather and cousins. Six months after THAT, he proposed and we were engaged for a year and a half. On July 4th this year we celebrated our 19th anniversary.

Just ask him what his intentions are. It should be clear if his words match his actions. Speculation is a waste of time if you're both not on the same relationship wavelength.

That marriage stutter is cute, isn't it? That's all I got for this.

 

[Bunny77]

Like everyone human being I have had my share of B.S. with men and I am not trying to get in a comfort zone and think because he is of another race that he is not capable of B.S.

Just wanted to add this...

I understand this too... but I almost get the impression that you think he's capable of MORE B.S. because he is of another race. That's what concerns me.

Oh, and what exactly do this male and female friend that gave you advice really KNOW about the subject or are they just speaking out of speculation themselves? Do they know of situations where this actually happened? Or are they just going by "what they heard" or what they THINK they know?

I do hear of non-black men who won't marry black women, but then again, I know of a lot of BW who are married to non-BM. So where is this "white men don't marry black women" thing really coming from?

P.S. Have you ever visited Evia's blog?

 

[Overjoyed]

Actually, I gotta agree with JCoily on this one.

I do understand where you're coming from... honestly, I do. But it seems that with every post you've made involving this man, you're always ready to assume the worst because he's white and because your mama and friends and etc., etc., have told you that white men do this, that and the third... and hey, SOME do, but you are putting this poor man behind the 8-ball based on stereotypes and he's been nothing but wonderful, based on what you've told us so far.

I have been dating a WM for the last four months. Now, I'm "just" 30, but like you, I don't want to waste time with a man -- any man -- that is not trying to marry me. But as I would with a BM, I just look at the context clues to see how serious this man is. And so far, all signs are good.

-He introduced me to his family within a month and they've had me over for breakfast, lunch, dinner and other events. Sometimes I've had to decline because I'd be missing out on things with my OWN family. Now, I think this is a good sign that this dude is serious if he and his family are FREQUENTLY including me in activities.
-He's talked about me to all of his close friends and they want to meet me.
-He did not pressure me for sex. If he was a WM who wanted a "chocolate fantasy," he would have tried to hit and quit. He has done nothing of the sort.
-In general conversation, he talks about the "long term." Now I know that doesn't equal a statement that he will marry me, but only one other man that I've dated (of any color) has ever spoken about us being together in the future. The fact that he speaks of a future with me in it is a good sign.

Now... he could throw me a curveball. But at least based on all that I've seen, there is nothing to indicate that he'd think that I was good enough to date, but not to marry because I was black. For me to even ask him that question or bring it up would be hurtful to him (knowing his personality) because it would seem like I was questioning his devotion to me and accusing him of being racist, to a degree.

Before me, he dated an Indian woman and this woman once asked him why he would want her when he could have a "hot blonde." He was bothered by this statement because he was not interested in "hot blondes" and wanted to be with her... so why would she even question his dedication to her?

Okay, long story short... all I'm saying is that if you want to be in an IR relationship, you need to dump the stereotypes. Yes, it's fine to be aware of them, but if you keep casting doubt upon this man, you might just lose out on a great thing... and it won't be because of anything that HE did.

You can listen to other folks all you want, but it's YOUR life, YOUR relationship and YOUR potential marriage. All they seem to be doing right now is talking you out of being with YOUR potential husband!

I never implied that this is something my mother or my friends have put in my head this is a concern I have all on my own-yes, I am capable of coming up with concerns on my own. That is great your significant other has showed all of the "good signs", but that sure doesn't mean that he is not capable of pulling some bs. My bf has given me no reason to question anything, but guess what I'm still not eliminating the fact that he is capable just as any other man of some bs. Regardless of what color the man is green, white, black, purple, yellow or no matter how "wonderful" he may be I will ALWAYS have up my guard because at the end of the day a man is and will always be a man!

 

[casey3035]

I'm new to this board but I have to tell you this is something you want to be clear about early in the relationship...I feel any time waisted on a man that won't commit is too much time wasted period. If you find that race is a issue then don't waste your time. My husband and I never dated outside of our race before but 8 months later we were married.it's been a 3 great years.This cannot be a subject you're afraid of bringing up nor any other touchy subject. As good as things seem to be between you guys now, at your age you can't be afraid to bring up anything that will affect your future in a negative way. You dont wanna find out 6 months from now when you're in love with him that your race is a problem; you must find out now for your own benefit. My husbands uncle told him it's ok to screw a black woman but dont marry one...Be careful that your beau doesn't agree with such ignorance. If he is a family pleaser then he can like you all day but not be willing to commit...Be careful.

 

[Overjoyed]

Just wanted to add this...

I understand this too... but I almost get the impression that you think he's capable of MORE B.S. because he is of another race. That's what concerns me.

Oh, and what exactly do this male and female friend that gave you advice really KNOW about the subject or are they just speaking out of speculation themselves? Do they know of situations where this actually happened? Or are they just going by "what they heard" or what they THINK they know?

I do hear of non-black men who won't marry black women, but then again, I know of a lot of BW who are married to non-BM. So where is this "white men don't marry black women" thing really coming from?

P.S. Have you ever visited Evia's blog?

My point is ALL men are capable of BS!!!! I am not one of those black chicks who has made the switch and now I walk around with the attitude that white men are not capable of the same BS as black men just with a different twist. I will continue to stay on my toes and not sleep on any man PERIOD!

 

[Overjoyed]

I'm new to this board but I have to tell you this is something you want to be clear about early in the relationship...I feel any time waisted on a man that won't commit is too much time wasted period. If you find that race is a issue then don't waste your time. My husband and I never dated outside of our race before but 8 months later we were married.it's been a 3 great years.This cannot be a subject you're afraid of bringing up nor any other touchy subject. As good as things seem to be between you guys now, at your age you can't be afraid to bring up anything that will affect your future in a negative way. You dont wanna find out 6 months from now when you're in love with him that your race is a problem; you must find out now for your own benefit. My husbands uncle told him it's ok to screw a black woman but dont marry one...Be careful that your beau doesn't agree with such ignorance. If he is a family pleaser then he can like you all day but not be willing to commit...Be careful.

You hit the nail right on the head. It is a reality!

 

[Farida]

I never implied that this is something my mother or my friends have put in my head this is a concern I have all on my own-yes, I am capable of coming up with concerns on my own. That is great your significant other has showed all of the "good signs", but that sure doesn't mean that he is not capable of pulling some bs. My bf has given me no reason to question anything, but guess what I'm still not eliminating the fact that he is capable just as any other man of some bs. Regardless of what color the man is green, white, black, purple, yellow or no matter how "wonderful" he may be I will ALWAYS have up my guard because at the end of the day a man is and will always be a man!

There is a difference between having your guard up to protect yourself, and nuking everyone who comes within 10ft of your comfort zone.

Nobody is implying that you should be naive, but if you are in an IR relationship, especially a marriage, you will have enough people tossing BS your way without you bringing in the baggage yourself.

How would you feel if your SO was somewhere right now asking his friends if you are dating him just because you want your kids to have "good" hair? Or you want to go a "step up" in life? That may not be true of you, but it is definitely a stereotype. So, put yourself in his shoes, because that is exactly what you are doing to him.

Your sentiment, seeming as it is unfounded, shows you don't trust him. And, if this is the way you are thinking about him before marriage, it will be worse after. You'll start having all these irrational fears that rooted in racial stereotypes.

If this really is your concern, it would be one thing if you were just worried that he wouldn't marry you, but if it is rooted in race, I don't see how you will get out of this one. If you tell him, you will seriously offend him and hurt your relationship, perhaps beyond repair. If you don't ask him, you won't really know unless he marries you.

I say if you are concerned have the state of the union discussion with him. But, don't tell him you think he won't marry you because of your race. Or perhaps you should, because everyone should have a fair assessment of what they are getting into when they marry, and perhaps it is only fair for him to know what you really think about him.

 

[Bunny77]

I never implied that this is something my mother or my friends have put in my head this is a concern I have all on my own-yes, I am capable of coming up with concerns on my own. That is great your significant other has showed all of the "good signs", but that sure doesn't mean that he is not capable of pulling some bs. My bf has given me no reason to question anything, but guess what I'm still not eliminating the fact that he is capable just as any other man of some bs. Regardless of what color the man is green, white, black, purple, yellow or no matter how "wonderful" he may be I will ALWAYS have up my guard because at the end of the day a man is and will always be a man!

Actually, you posted that your mother brought up the "white men take out insurance policies on their wives and then kill them," statement.

I know she was kidding, but you have said more than once that she is uncomfortable about you dating a WM. I am only stating this based on what you said in the original thread.

And yes, my BF might be capable of pulling BS, but I'm not going to worry myself over it when it HASN'T HAPPENED YET AND MAY NEVER HAPPEN. My eyes are staying open, but I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm having fun and enjoying the ride... and staying confident in our future until he shows me otherwise! If you have to live with your guard ALWAYS up, that's not healthy for any relationship, regardless of color!

 

[Bunny77]

There is a difference between having your guard up to protect yourself, and nuking everyone who comes within 10ft of your comfort zone.

Nobody is implying that you should be naive, but if you are in an IR relationship, especially a marriage, you will have enough people tossing BS your way without you bringing in the baggage yourself.

How would you feel if your SO was somewhere right now asking his friends if you are dating him just because you want your kids to have "good" hair? Or you want to go a "step up" in life? That may not be true of you, but it is definitely a stereotype. So, put yourself in his shoes, because that is exactly what you are doing to him.

Your sentiment, seeming as it is unfounded, shows you don't trust him. And, if this is the way you are thinking about him before marriage, it will be worse after. You'll start having all these irrational fears that rooted in racial stereotypes.

If this really is your concern, it would be one thing if you were just worried that he wouldn't marry you, but if it is rooted in race, I don't see how you will get out of this one. If you tell him, you will seriously offend him and hurt your relationship, perhaps beyond repair. If you don't ask him, you won't really know unless he marries you.

I say if you are concerned have the state of the union discussion with him. But, don't tell him you think he won't marry you because of your race. Or perhaps you should, because everyone should have a fair assessment of what they are getting into when they marry, and perhaps it is only fair for him to know what you really think about him.

Thank you! You said it better than I could!

My only point is that you are automatically assuming the worst about men, and then adding an extra layer to this relationship because this man is white. It's not fair to him, and it's not healthy for you either and your relationship!

 

[Bunny77]

You hit the nail right on the head. It is a reality!

Sorry, I don't know how to multi-quote that well!

It is also a reality that there are WM with racist relatives that still go on to marry BW and have loving relationships with them. Those WM think their relatives are ignorant and they do not give what they say any type of validity when they decide who they want to be with.

 

[drasgrl]

Sounds like you are making excuses and deep down you may not feel you are worthy and it has nothing to do with him. Actions do speak louder than words. I will just say one more thing. Accept the good.

 

[Overjoyed]

Actually, you posted that your mother brought up the "white men take out insurance policies on their wives and then kill them," statement.

I know she was kidding, but you have said more than once that she is uncomfortable about you dating a WM. I am only stating this based on what you said in the original thread.

And yes, my BF might be capable of pulling BS, but I'm not going to worry myself over it when it HASN'T HAPPENED YET AND MAY NEVER HAPPEN. My eyes are staying open, but I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm having fun and enjoying the ride... and staying confident in our future until he shows me otherwise! If you have to live with your guard ALWAYS up, that's not healthy for any relationship, regardless of color!

Yes, I did mention that in my first post ever when I first met the guy. Any type of reservations I had about not dating him was because I had never dated out of my race and truly did not know if it was for me. My mother being uncomfortable (which by the way she had learned to like it) has no impact on my thoughts, choices or opinions because if that was the case I wouldn't be dating him. Honestly, I do not think there is any harm in my being concerned about if he would marry a black woman-despite him being a wonderful person. I'd rather ask and know vs. walking around speculating thinking everything is hunky-dory when it is not.

 

[Overjoyed]

Sounds like you are making excuses and deep down you may not feel you are worthy and it has nothing to do with him. Actions do speak louder than words. I will just say one more thing. Accept the good.

Please, not to sound conceited, but I think he is very lucky to have me.

 

[Overjoyed]

Sorry, I don't know how to multi-quote that well!

It is also a reality that there are WM with racist relatives that still go on to marry BW and have loving relationships with them. Those WM think their relatives are ignorant and they do not give what they say any type of validity when they decide who they want to be with.

Yes, you are correct it is a double edged sword....there are WM who go on to marry BW and there are WM who feed into the ignorance.

 

[Farida]

Yes, I did mention that in my first post ever when I first met the guy. Any type of reservations I had about not dating him was because I had never dated out of my race and truly did not know if it was for me. My mother being uncomfortable (which by the way she had learned to like it) has no impact on my thoughts, choices or opinions because if that was the case I wouldn't be dating him. Honestly, I do not think there is any harm in my being concerned about if he would marry a black woman-despite him being a wonderful person. I'd rather ask and know vs. walking around speculating thinking everything is hunky-dory when it is not.

What an oxymoron. In your opinion, do wonderful people date people and string them along, knowing very well they have no intention to marry them because they don't want to 'taint' their pure blood? That is what everyone is trying to get at. If you know this man well, and he hasn't given you any indication of this problem, then why are you worried? Maybe because he isn't so wonderful at all. And that's why he will be greatly offended if you ask him, because you must not think he is wonderful. But who are we to tell you? Just a board of women. Maybe he won't be offended.

So, if that is really a concern, ask him and get on with it. Like you said, you don't want to waste time because you don't have all the time in the world. But don't expect things to be hunky-dory after that.

 

[DSP]

Y'all still in here going at it?

Overjoyed, you'd better quit playing and ask the only person whose opinion counts!

That marriage stutter is cute, isn't it? That's all I got for this.

When we renewed our vows for our 15th anniversary, I reminded him of that stutter.

 

[Overjoyed]

Y'all still in here going at it?

Overjoyed, you'd better quit playing and ask the only person whose opinion counts!

LOL, you are tooo funny....at one point I thought I was going to be stoned to deathoh well, I know the routine all too well in here, but I'm hard-headed. I will be asking away tomorrow when we go out- I'll keep you updated.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

LOL, you are tooo funny....at one point I thought I was going to be stoned to deathoh well, I know the routine all too well in here, but I'm hard-headed. I will be asking away tomorrow when we go out- I'll keep you updated.

optimism is one hell of a drug! good luck tomorrow

 

[alwayzalady22]

You hit the nail right on the head. It is a reality!

but is that his reality or your perception of what MAY be his reality?

IA with the other ladies that you should casually breach the marriage topic and see what his thoughts are.

who knows, you may have a genuinely good man on your hands who wants to do nothing more than love you for who you are, regardless of what you look like or what his family says

good luck to you!

ETA: i see you're gonna ask tomorrow... i hope the outcome is positive!

 

[chinadoll]

bump.......