How To Avoid Bad Guys And Bad Relationships Challenge

@deediamante
@Kim0105
@Kalani
@crlsweetie912
@WonderGirl2U
@JustSitNBePretty
@hot_pepper96
@Browndilocks

I'm finally back ladies!

So, Let's discuss the upcoming four chapters:
Chapter 7 The Mentally Ill Man
Chapter 8 The Addict
Chapter 9 The Abusive or Violent Man
Chapter 10 The Emotional Predator

Relationships with mentally ill men --
Women mistake pity for passion.

Relationships with addicts --
"Addicts seek women who are long-suffering and who nurse a belief that the addict is going to quit."
She also notes that "any addiction is life-consuming, eventually becomes the center of the addicts world, and usually means the addict qualifies as emotionally unavailable."

Relationships with abusive and violent men --
"Silence is acceptance to a violent mind." And, "her staying equals consent in his eyes." These men have an "inability to have an equality based relationship." They have issues with power and control.

Relationships with emotional predators --
"The more pathologically disordered he is, the more incurable and, ironically, the more convincing he often is." "Predatory men can hide behind the guises of brilliant businessmen, attorneys, surgeons, or even clergymen." Their "number-one feature is their unbelievable charm."

Thoughts ladies?
 
Hope everyone enjoyed their holidays! I surely did :giggle:

I have read Chapter 7 and 8 so I can comment on those.

The mentally unstable man. Yikes! A scary man to deal with. You never know what you are going to get. And what makes it tougher is that these men can hide their symptoms/illness until you are hooked/in love which makes it harder to leave. And that preys on a woman's natural tendency to nurture. Because how evil would one be to leave a man with a mental illness? :rolleyes: We saw how a poster in another thread was being guilted into staying with a man by his mother just because he was having a breakdown. So we stay and hope we can get him better or he "releases" us from the relationship.

But he ain't changing!! "The best predictor of future behavior is usually past behavior." A mental illness can't be cured. It can be managed but it will never go away. So we got to protect ourselves and exit stage right.
 
The addict. These are the men addicted to behaviors or substances such as sex, drugs, gambling, alcohol to name a few. Also we got to watch out for the men with "pseudoproductive addictions" such as addiction to work or productivity. An interesting type of pseudoproductive addiction mentioned in the book is one where the person works like crazy to "rescue" loved ones or family members (who are often other addicts themselves) and prevents them from facing consequences for their own behavior. Or the man that works night and day on the family business.

These addictions may seen harmless in that the man is helping his family or has a strong work ethic. Like how can we look down on a hard working man or a man taking care of his loved ones?

Because being with an addict will leave your needs unfulfilled and will drain you. There is nothing you can do or say to "fix or cure" him. He has to do that on his own.

As with those with mental illness, those with addictions tend to have family history of the same so ask the tough questions!! Creatively of course. :look: And if a guy is saying he is sober or recovering (yay for him!), tread carefully and even more reason to take your time getting to know the man. And don't hesitate to exit stage left if he is showing addictive behaviors.

The running theme I keep seeing in this book was summed up by one of the women's insights: "Our choices in men are really about us. I wanted it to be about him and his problem but I stayed even when the reality of the situation was glaringly obvious-so it was about me too." It is up to us to recognize these dangerous man and extract ourselves from the relationship/situation ASAP because the only one winning in such relationship is that dangerous man draining us of our sanity, health, youth, and finances.
 
@deediamante
@Kim0105
@Kalani
@crlsweetie912
@WonderGirl2U
@JustSitNBePretty
@hot_pepper96
@Browndilocks

Good Morning Ladies!
Well it's been 3 1/2 months since the last post on this thread. Things kind of dropped off. I wanted to take the time to thank those of you who joined the challenge and I hope everyone learned something and feels a little safer in the world now, better armed for the dangerous people, men in particular, that we may encounter.

I wanted to add to anyone reading this who may possibly be dealing with a dangerous man -- get away from him. It won't be easy in the beginning because you may be addicted to the relationship or that person and the drama. But you will be just fine without them. Plan your exit, then execute. Stand strong for you. Dangerous people don't change. They continue to hurt people. They are a different kind of human. You don't deserve to suffer at the hands of a manipulator. There is life after dealing with a dangerous man, a much better, happier, more peaceful life.

Take good care of yourselves ladies. Be happy and have fun, enjoy your lives. And don't let anyone steal your joy.
 
I finished rhe book and it was excellent. The way the author approaches it with a volunteer vs victim mentality was suprisingly empowering.

I ended up stumbling upon another book that I think every woman should read, especially if she lives alone. It's called The Gift of Fear and while it's not a relationship book, it goes much more in depth about your red flag alert system aka intuition and I'm finding the information extremely valuable. Be warned, this book is a lot more graphic because the author uses real cases of women he works with . Im not even a third of the way in and I highly recommend it.
 
kimpaur said:
I finished rhe book and it was excellent. The way the author approaches it with a volunteer vs victim mentality was suprisingly empowering.

I ended up stumbling upon another book that I think every woman should read, especially if she lives alone. It's called The Gift of Fear and while it's not a relationship book, it goes much more in depth about your red flag alert system aka intuition and I'm finding the information extremely valuable. Be warned, this book is a lot more graphic because the author uses real cases of women he works with . Im not even a third of the way in and I highly recommend it.
Click to expand...

Thank you! I just ordered it. I'm a little nervous about the graphic nature, hopefully I can skip over those parts.
 
Hello ladies,
Just checking in. I am doing well. Just wanted to put out a reminder to take good care of yourselves first and foremost. If your relationship is taxing, always up and down, problems never get resolved, you are constantly fretting, tired, or trying to fix things in your relationship, STOP IT, just stop, ok? A dangerous man will not change no matter how many times you ask, no matter how many plates you fix, no matter how much weight you lose, no matter how much you help him find a job, no matter how supportive you are. It doesn’t work that way. Focus on yourself, heal yourself from being too nice, accommodating, understanding, and patient.
 
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen.....
Been working on me and focusing on healing, relearning what it means to love myself, to enjoy myself, to have a fulfilling life and also learning to accept myself. If those things that OTHERS do for fun, is not fun TO ME. It's OK! Basically stop comparing myself and worrying about other people and THEIR paths in life. It's for THEM to live and learn just like it is for me.
 
kimpaur said:
I finished rhe book and it was excellent. The way the author approaches it with a volunteer vs victim mentality was suprisingly empowering.

I ended up stumbling upon another book that I think every woman should read, especially if she lives alone. It's called The Gift of Fear and while it's not a relationship book, it goes much more in depth about your red flag alert system aka intuition and I'm finding the information extremely valuable. Be warned, this book is a lot more graphic because the author uses real cases of women he works with . Im not even a third of the way in and I highly recommend it.
Click to expand...

I LOVED that book the Gift of Fear. Awesome book. Need to re-read. I think I read that about 10 years ago?
The Four Agreements has been my go to book for gaining balance.
I kinda feel like the 'me' should be my focus right now. It wouldn't be right to pick up relationship books. Better to focus on the personal growth and fears, anxieties, challenging negative beliefs etc. I feel like that is better for me...for now.
 
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biznesswmn said:


I really enjoy watchg his videos, and this one may be helpful to those who accept less than they really want/need... whatever that is. He speaks in the context of work relationships but it applies to love
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This is excellent! Thank you so much. Can you share a little more info so that I can find this/him on YouTube?
 
hopeful said:
This is excellent! Thank you so much. Can you share a little more info so that I can find this/him on YouTube?
Click to expand...
Sure!

Dr. Jordan Peterson, clinical psychologist and professor at Univ of Toronto. I think he is the bomb. If u hav time, google his analysis of pinoccchio
 
Great video!

I'm working on being more assertive.
I failed on a trip with a friend and today on the bus home with a co worker than wouldn't shut up when I just wanted peace.
It's tough work!
He was so on point with me when he said that agreeable people sometimes are so agreeable that they don't even know what THEY want!
 
ArrrBeee said:
I'm so glad this thread was bumped. I missed it the 1st time around. What I have read so far is making me want to cry. I knew these things but seeing them in black and white was like a punch to the gut. Off to cry and then purchase the books.
Click to expand...

This was me! You know something is wrong but you've been taught to stick it through, or things aren't as bad as you think. After reading all of the previous posts, my eyes have been OPENED and I am off to order the book.
 
ArrrBeee said:
I'm so glad this thread was bumped. I missed it the 1st time around. What I have read so far is making me want to cry. I knew these things but seeing them in black and white was like a punch to the gut. Off to cry and then purchase the books.
Click to expand...

lili4ever said:
This was me! You know something is wrong but you've been taught to stick it through, or things aren't as bad as you think. After reading all of the previous posts, my eyes have been OPENED and I am off to order the book.
Click to expand...

ETA: Oops I was mixing this thread up with the Boundaries thread. But most of what I wrote still applies.

Thank you ladies. Your posts made my day. I’m a thinker and always trying to figure things out, get to the bottom of things. I’m so glad that my talking out loud and sharing has touched both of you. @caribeandiva kept mentioning the book and I am so happy that I started this thread.

Many of us have been told a lie, encouraged to be a way that harms us, to lie down and let others trample us, to choose niceness over self protection, to doubt ourselves every step of the way.

We deserve to be and feel safe and it starts with us. We must create a world in which we feel safe and loved. Most of us have not been educated about the importance of boundaries, how to establish them, and how to maintain them. We aren’t taught how to protect ourselves from boundary invaders. Instead we are taught to be polite and nice, to assume the best of people before they have proven themselves trustworthy.
 
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I was so distressed after reading this thread that I took a bath, slung my phone in the bed and went to sleep. I wanted to cry but I don't have anymore tears to shed over him or my past choices.

I knew the exhusband was a piece of work but the exfiance completely duped me. He seemed so kind and caring. I remember walking outside barefoot and he took off his shoes so that I wouldn't have to walk back in shoeless. Conversely, ex husb was such a jerk that he wouldn't go get me a cup of crushed ice when I had strep throat.
hopeful said:
That emotionally unavailable thing is tricky. We take it as him being mysterious, quiet, really into his job or goals, just needs a little time to open up :look:. But it is one of the most dangerous signs because it is a good cover to hide cheating, addictions, hidden lives, etc.And in the end it's just plain unacceptable to be in a supposed relationship with someone and not be emotionally connected, not be given emotional intimacy. But again that competitive trait makes us want to hang in there, figure out what's going on and get him to open up. Doing the most :lol:, definitely enjoying a challenge too much. We need to save that for a 10k or something, not a relationship. And the overly optimistic side of women who love psychopaths keeps them hoping and believing that intimacy will come along any day now ...
Click to expand...
I had my susipicions on the bolded. All my friends and even my therapist :look: told me to give him time. He's a great guy, :blah::blah::blah:. I'm an extroverted introvert who apparently has that detrimental competitive trait for making trying to make a bowl of crap into chocolate pudding.

In the end, he moved on because my gaf meter broke and he knew it. I wasn't going to be easily duped this last go around. He was telling me about an episode of a crime show and the cheating man was murdered with a crowbar. I looked at him and said, "He probably deserved it."
He said, "No one deserves to die like that." I disagreed. That's when he knew that my switch had flipped. :evillaugh:

In another conversation, he told me about some ratchetry that his sisters had done. He then said I don't date women like them. It occurred to me then that he targets women who he thinks are nice, sweet, and won't put up a fight. I told him, you don't know me very well. He broke off our engagement a few weeks later.

Recounting this has made me feel better because I realize that am no longer a human garbage disposal waiting to accept the scraps of life.
 
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I dont have 'the gift Of fear' book so i searched utube and voila! I wanted to relate to the posts upthread.
Its almost an hour long but worth it. We ignore our internal radar way too much. at min 41 or so he gives an acct of a young girl gettg sucked into an older mans trickery. He also discusses womens proclivity to 'be nice' and how we need to stop worryg abt how other ppl feel
 
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