How To Avoid Bad Guys And Bad Relationships Challenge

:yep:
hopeful said:
@deediamante
@Kim0105
@Kalani
@crlsweetie912
@WonderGirl2U

Hi :wave:
We were supposed to start today but I forgot. I'm in grad school and had homework to turn in today and I have class tomorrow sooo I will be back on Wednesday to see if we can get going. Feel free to post ladies. I'm excited about the progress we will make during this challenge.
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I hope your in school for relationship couseling or something to that nature. That's a perfect field for you:yep: good luck with your studies! :bighug:
 
I'm in this challenge. I just got done listening to the Audible version of "Men Don't Love Women Like You" and this would be an excellent follow up because from listening to that book, I realized that I fall too quickly for the games men play. I am trying to figure out if my ex was a psychopath. I truly think so because he has no remorse for all of the cheating he did and all of the havoc he wreaked on my life. Yet, it seems some of his exes continue to engage in the games with him. There is this one girl who is supposed to be a "healer" but continues to have a good relationship with him, even after I'm sure he has played her she continues to be his friend. He mentioned to me that she would marry him if he had decided to settle. I'm confuzzled.
 
hopeful said:
@deediamante
@Kim0105
@Kalani
@crlsweetie912
@WonderGirl2U

Hi :wave:
We were supposed to start today but I forgot. I'm in grad school and had homework to turn in today and I have class tomorrow sooo I will be back on Wednesday to see if we can get going. Feel free to post ladies. I'm excited about the progress we will make during this challenge.
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I've been busy myself but will take some time to share my thoughts in the next few days.
 
JustSitNBePretty said:
I'm in this challenge. I just got done listening to the Audible version of "Men Don't Love Women Like You" and this would be an excellent follow up because from listening to that book, I realized that I fall too quickly for the games men play. I am trying to figure out if my ex was a psychopath. I truly think so because he has no remorse for all of the cheating he did and all of the havoc he wreaked on my life. Yet, it seems some of his exes continue to engage in the games with him. There is this one girl who is supposed to be a "healer" but continues to have a good relationship with him, even after I'm sure he has played her she continues to be his friend. He mentioned to me that she would marry him if he had decided to settle. I'm confuzzled.
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Hi @JustSitNBePretty, you're joining us, right? Just making sure. I listened to the audible of Men Don't Love Women Like You as well. It seems that since men are so resistent to change, people are trying to educate women better on the dangers of the dating world, school them on the games men play. We cannot afford to be naive.
 
WonderGirl2U said:
I've been reading in preparation for our discussion. I had a full and busy day yesterday as well, so I really felt badly for not commenting sooner, but I was happy to see I didn't miss anything.

The author's writing style is excellent! The book is written in a way that really opens your eyes and demystifies how smart women can make such poor choices in men.

One thing that stands out for me so far is that when you feel smart and powerful, you think, "Oh, that will never happen to me" and "I can't believe she was so stupid to fall for that user/abuser." But as the author points out, it's often easier to see another person's situation more objectively than your own. Thinking it will never happen to you is one of the ways women end up in the type of abusive relationships they never imaged they'd end up in.

I'm so thankful this thread was started, and I can't wait to hear what other ladies think so far!

ETA: I also agree with the author that society does create a "boys will be boys" culture where bad behavior is excused as being masculine and to be expected. But this thinking really is dangerous because it blinds women to the truth about how dangerous some men are, and they're totally surprised when the men end up harming them financially, emotionally, or physically. It was really good when she pointed out that this happens all the time and that even in this day in age, women are still constantly victimized by men like this every day.
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Hi @WonderGirl2U,
I think I missed your post or at least missed it after you added more thoughts. Thank you. We don't even think about how someone feeling strong can put them at a disadvantage. We can put ourselves out there more, be less careful, and then bam here we are in love with a crazy man. It's the one area women often are the least prepared, especially if they didn't have a decent dad, brothers, or uncles. We kind of end up winging it. Because the consequences can be devastating and life-changing, we really do need better preparation.

And this whole boys will be boys thing is awful.
 
Okay so I'm thinking we should use this week to discuss Women Who Love Psychopaths and then on Monday start discussing chapter 1 of How To Spot a Dangerous Man.

My two major takeaways from Women Who Love Psychopaths:

*You can't change a psychopath. He is who he is. His brain is disordered, physically and chemically. Nothing you do or say can make him love you better. He operates without a conscience too so he simply cannot and will not be sorry for whatever he does to you. He doesn't care.

*Women who fall for these guys tend too have Super Traits of patience, kindness, compassion, love of relationships, trusting, loyal etc. They tend to have too much of a good thing. They are far more tolerant of bad behavior than the average woman. In other words they are out of balance. So they end up with men who are out of balance as well, but on the other end of the spectrum.
 
Also, all the chemistry you feel, all that attraction, is his disorder :look:. You think it's because he's mysterious and exciting but it's really because he is disordered. Don't look for someone to bring excitement into your life -- find and create your own excitement. She said most of the women were lonely and looking for fun and excitement. But they ended up with a psychopath.
 
Will come back with my take away from the book tonight when the kiddies are in bed. I got wine so I'll be up:):)
I forgot to pick up a bottle last night and ended up going to sleep early.
 
hopeful said:
Okay so I'm thinking we should use this week to discuss Women Who Love Psychopaths and then on Monday start discussing chapter 1 of How To Spot a Dangerous Man.

My two major takeaways from Women Who Love Psychopaths:

*You can't change a psychopath. He is who he is. His brain is disordered, physically and chemically. Nothing you do or say can make him love you better. He operates without a conscience too so he simply cannot and will not be sorry for whatever he does to you. He doesn't care.

*Women who fall for these guys tend too have Super Traits of patience, kindness, compassion, love of relationships, trusting, loyal etc. They tend to have too much of a good thing. They are far more tolerant of bad behavior than the average woman. In other words they are out of balance. So they end up with men who are out of balance as well, but on the other end of the spectrum.
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ALL OF THIS!!
When I look back at how I was raised I realized that I was bound for a relationship like this. I was taught from early on not to trust myself, look to others for love, approval and validation. There was no finding out who I was, just being what others thought and wanted me to be. It all depended on who it was too. It was like adapting to others and never taking the time to find out why and what I really wanted.

When I read about the super traits, it was like reading off the characteristics of Kim! The thing is as I am getting to know me, really know who I am I have a very low threshold for a lot of this stuff. I'm quick to chuck the deuces and be about my business. I have wasted enough time and decided ....no more!

The day I finished the book I felt both a sense of relief and dread! My ex is a narcissistic sociopath. We have children together and right now he is all about punishing me. My mind went to our kids and I had to start praying and affirming thoughts of love, peace and safety for them. I can see a lot of things he does and still tries to do more quickly and it helps me to deal with him in a way that keeps me safe emotionally and mentally.
 
Thanks @Kim0105.

It's amazing how our childhoods impact our futures. It really lays the foundation. What's so frustrating is that so much of it becomes unconscious. No one is intentionally ignoring themselves or their feelings. It just becomes second nature. It's very easy for women to adapt to men in the first place but add in abuse or poor messaging or some type of trauma and then bam! Plus the men's use of Gaslighting further circumvents you choosing you and listening to you. What mother knew to teach her daughter about Gaslighting? Even the most aware mom probably couldn't have anticipated the lengths a man would go to hurt her daughter. That kind of evil and manipulation is unimaginable for many.

I know I for sure do not want to be "too" anything anymore unless it's too pretty or too rich :lol:, but other than that I think it's all about balance.

I also think just being more aware is a big part of the battle. Really understanding and excepting that evil exists and can impact anyone. Not assuming everyone has a conscience, will play fair, is human. I read somewhere that guys like this are thought of as a different kind of human.

Oh and moving slowwwly. Not letting anyone sweep you off your feet.
 
hopeful said:
Thanks @Kim0105.
I also think just being more aware is a big part of the battle. Really understanding and excepting that evil exists and can impact anyone. Not assuming everyone has a conscience, will play fair, is human. I read somewhere that guys like this are thought of as a different kind of human.
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I agree with this. For women who are genuinely kind and caring, it's hard to imagine that some men actively seek to harm women and enjoy doing so. If it's not even not on your radar that men can be psychopathic, then it's easy to miss the signs. I'm definitely guilty of thinking other people's intentions are generally good because that's the way I feel, and it's how I was raised. But, living in this world, it's very dangerous to think that way.

I think many mothers may not have taught their daughters to be more viligant because they never faced what we face today. My father was my mother's main serious boyfriend, and she says most men in those days (50's and 60's) had better intentions towards women than they do now. She didn't anticipate things changing as much as they have, so she really didn't know to prepare us for this type of thing.

I think being aware of this will make us all think twice about who we allow into our lives. Getting married and having a family is wonderful, but it really does have to be with the right person-- and developing a healthy relationship with a healthy partner should take time.
 
Excellent points @WonderGirl2U. Thanks!

When I was younger almost all black guys dated black girls. That's just how it was. No way I could prepare my girls for so many black guys dating outside their race. Pornography was much harder to get to as well. No way a mom could know that cellphones and the internet would make cheating sooo easy or pornography so easy to access. Heck the internet and cellphones didn't even exist when I was growing up. Also "hooking up," social media, a culture where sex would be so much easier to get, etc. wasn't even on my radar either.
 
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Finished last night!

I don't have anything profound to add as I agree with everything mentioned.

It was sad to read about the effect pathological men have to their children. It only continues the cycle and the kids view their dad's behavior as normal.

And I so agree that moving slowly with a guy as you vet him will help a ton and the man will reveal his true colors soon enough. His MO is to sweep you off your feet as fast as possible with his wining and dining that you won't know what hit you when he has moved in, drained your bank account and taken your self esteem. All that glitters isn't gold.
 
Thanks @deediamante
Also, always keep your eyes, ears, and heart open to what's going on around you and in your relationship. People do change. Or another part of a person's nature may come to the surface later. Circumstances come about that no one was prepared for. So never go to sleep on anyone, never assume because all is well now, all will always be well. Stay awake for your safety and your happiness. People are generally gray, not black and white. So they can be very generous, a wonderful lover, and also a cheater and a liar. Stay woke.
 
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This book took me back to my abnormal psych class. I found that I was already familiar with a lot of the material but there were a couple new things that I learned.

Most surprising to me was that extroverted women were more likely to fall for psychopaths and that competitiveness was one of the factors in their tendency to stay and fight for the relationship rather than flee. As I read on the reasoning made perfect sense though, particularly as I reflected back on puzzling behavior of my friends in the past when they discovered their SO was cheating. They would fixate on catching him to prove he was cheating or plot on how to get him back. I never understood it because the couple of times I suspected an ex was cheating it didn't take much to convince me and I would peace out on the relationship and would not look back. No one ever accused me of being competitive though :lol: . That's not a good thing but I guess the few times it would serve me well is when dating a dud.

Anyway, very interesting read overall. :up:
 
Thanks @Kalani
It's funny because you would think that being extroverted and competitive would protect you but nope, it puts you at higher risk smh.

So we were supposed to get going on HTSADM today but I have homework I need to complete and class tomorrow. So I will plan to dive in on Wednesday. If anyone else wants to start discussing chapter 1 before then, feel free.
 
I finished the first chapter, and it has been an interesting read! What stood out to me is that some men may not seem that dangerous initially, but it may be because it's still early in their psychopathic career- in other words, no matter how normal you think your man is, remain watchful of his behavior because red flags may mean he's leading up to worse behavior. She gave an example of serial killer Ted Bundy and how he had two normal girlfriends. When the girlfriends found out he had killed so many women, they were both shocked because it seemed so out of character for him.

I came away from this chapter feeling the need to be extremely viligant. It was also a good reminder that being single is always preferable to running headlong into a relationship just to avoid being alone. Danger could be lurking on the other side, so try to always look very carefully before you leap!
 
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WonderGirl2U said:
I finished the first chapter, and it has been an interesting read! What stood out to me is that some men may not seem that dangerous initially, but it may be because it's still early in their psychopathic career- in other words, no matter how normal you think your man is, remain watchful of his behavior because red flags may mean he's leading up to worse behavior. She gave an example of serial killer Ted Bundy and how he had two normal girlfriends. When the girlfriends found out he had killed so many women, they were both shocked because it seemed so out of character for him.

I came away from this chapter feeling the need to be extremely viligant. It was also a good reminder that being single is always preferable to running headlong into a relationship just to avoid being alone. Danger could be lurking on the other side, so try to always look very carefully before you leap!
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Agreed! Especially at the bolded.

I finished Chapter 1 as well. It was quite informative! The points that caught my attention was first how these dangerous men are glamorized by Hollywood aka "bad boys, cowboys, thugs" with criminal or shady pasts and it is viewed as sexy. :nono: And that we as women should be happy dealing with these type of men.

I also liked/appreciated how she listed the types of dangerous men out there. Because after reading the first book Women who love Psychopaths, at first I was wondering that maybe I hadn't encountered a dangerous man as the ones she described with serious medical diagnoses because the ones she described, I would never entertain. Then #3 on the list...the emotionally unavailable man....was like a punch in my gut. I am like a magnet to these types. :sad: And now that I think about it, it's not that I am a "magnet" for them, it's that I seem to "fall into like" with them more than a guy is emotionally available. What is up with that?? :pullhair:So annoying!! So yeah I need to end that cycle asap.

Lastly, the point that you can't change these dangerous men. You have to decide what you are doing to do when you find out that the man is pathological.
 
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That emotionally unavailable thing is tricky. We take it as him being mysterious, quiet, really into his job or goals, just needs a little time to open up :look:. But it is one of the most dangerous signs because it is a good cover to hide cheating, addictions, hidden lives, etc. And in the end it's just plain unacceptable to be in a supposed relationship with someone and not be emotionally connected, not be given emotional intimacy. But again that competitive trait makes us want to hang in there, figure out what's going on and get him to open up. Doing the most :lol:, definitely enjoying a challenge too much. We need to save that for a 10k or something, not a relationship. And the overly optimistic side of women who love psychopaths keeps them hoping and believing that intimacy will come along any day now ...
 
Hey ladies,
I have dropped the ball a bit. I have been busy and sleepy at the same time. But I do believe we are making progress. Anymore thoughts on chapter one of HTSADM?
 
hopeful said:
That emotionally unavailable thing is tricky. We take it as him being mysterious, quiet, really into his job or goals, just needs a little time to open up :look:. But it is one of the most dangerous signs because it is a good cover to hide cheating, addictions, hidden lives, etc. And in the end it's just plain unacceptable to be in a supposed relationship with someone and not be emotionally connected, not be given emotional intimacy. But again that competitive trait makes us want to hang in there, figure out what's going on and get him to open up. Doing the most :lol:, definitely enjoying a challenge too much. We need to save that for a 10k or something, not a relationship. And the overly optimistic side of women who love psychopaths keeps them hoping and believing that intimacy will come along any day now ...
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Extremely tricky! You think he is hard working, dedicated, blah, blah, blah. So you give him space and take what you can get because who wants to be the woman whining to a man who is doing the darn thing?

I have to remind myself that anyone will make time for anything or anyone that they care about. For example, I love to run and when I'm prepping for a half marathon, I put on my calendar the days when I have to get in a long run. And if I happen to be out of town, I am mapping out a route in the new city or looking for local trails. Not the most exciting example but puts it in perspective. No more EXCUSES!! If the POTUS can find time to date the FLOTUS, then an average minion can make time for me. :cool2:

And yes at the second bolded point!! The type A in me wants to be the one who breaks through and solves the mystery man. Yeah, I'm over it.:peace:
 
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