How To Avoid Bad Guys And Bad Relationships Challenge

Okay, first I'm going to drop this here:

sweetvi said:
I read this this morning on my facebook feed:

@hopeful this might be useful to your group

Do not allow him to consume you. If he does not call, go to sleep. If he does not message, put your phone away and have a fantastic day anyway. If he acts distant when you are with him and refuses to tell you what is wrong, don’t wait for him, go home and do something you love. If he tries to insinuate you do not need your friends now that you have him, spend more time with your friends. If he tries to teach you a lesson through the silent treatment, ignore him completely.

If he plays with your feelings constantly, walk away from him. If he acts like your body is his entitlement when you are not ready, walk away from him. If he says terrible, unforgivable things and threatens to leave you after every argument, walk away from him. If he forbids you from doing anything you love, walk away from him. If he claims ownership of your accomplishments, walk away from him. If he demeans you or disrespects your being a girl and refuses to stop when you tell him it hurts, walk away from him.

I cannot stress this enough, you live for yourself first. He is a secondary character in the story of your life. Do not allow him to turn you into a secondary character in your own book.
- Nikita Gill
Click to expand...
 
Hello ladies!

@deediamante
@Kim0105
@Kalani
@crlsweetie912
@WonderGirl2U
@JustSitNBePretty

I'm back now and ready to really get going.

So assuming we are all on track. If you are not caught up with the readings, please still chime in with thoughts.

My thoughts on chapter 1 Understanding the Face of Dangerousness. These men can easily slip into our lives and "appear" normal at least in the beginning. Be and stay vigilant and aware. Establish healthy boundaries for yourself with everyone. Seriously, man, woman, or child, get yourself some boundaries with everyone.

The author establishes these eight categories of dangerous men:

1. Permanent clinger
2. Parental seeker
3. Emotionally unavailable
4. Hidden life
5. Mentally ill
6. Addict
7. Abusive or violent
8. Emotional predator

And many are what she calls the "combo pack man" who is some combination of the above eight categories.

Critical in this chapter is this quote: "Probably the most important fact to learn, from the perspective of women who are at risk for selecting pathological men as dating partners, is that individuals who are clinically pathological, which also includes people who have a personality disorder of any kind, can usually never be made well."

So, quit being hopeful, quit thinking he just needs your love, quit thinking he is going to change. He isn't. Move on, let it go, let him go before he ruins your life.
 
I needed a quick getaway so I did a last minute road trip to visit a friend and failed to read the second book :oops:. I'll see what I can glean from everyone else's comments.
 
Okay ladies I'm back.

Chapter 2 Red Flags and Red Alerts: Knowing, Sensing, Being Aware -- and Following Through

The author says that despite the fact that there are lots of bad guys out there, we still have power and responsibility.

She discusses:

*Our Built-in danger-alert system
and
*Why we ignore those red flags

She also shares how Loneliness, Boredom, and Magical thinking get us in trouble.

Throughout the book she also shares stories from different women. At the end of this chapter Jenna says, "I've learned to keep my ears very, very open -- to do research with a guy's friends and family and to learn all about a guy early on to avoid surprises. If you research and go slow, you can always bail out easier if you aren't in to deep, too soon."

Thoughts ladies?
 
hopeful said:
Okay ladies I'm back.

Chapter 2 Red Flags and Red Alerts: Knowing, Sensing, Being Aware -- and Following Through

The author says that despite the fact that there are lots of bad guys out there, we still have power and responsibility.

She discusses:

*Our Built-in danger-alert system
and
*Why we ignore those red flags

She also shares how Loneliness, Boredom, and Magical thinking get us in trouble.

Throughout the book she also shares stories from different women. At the end of this chapter Jenna says, "I've learned to keep my ears very, very open -- to do research with a guy's friends and family and to learn all about a guy early on to avoid surprises. If you research and go slow, you can always bail out easier if you aren't in to deep, too soon."

Thoughts ladies?
Click to expand...

Chapter 2 was great! One of the main take aways for me is to always monitor how I feel about a relationship and act on it. She says if you notice a relationship leaves you feeling sad, melancholy, confused, depressed, etc., that's your internal alert system sending you a red flag indicating the relationship is not good for you, and you need to get out. Too often it's easy to excuse that feeling by thinking "well he provides for me" or "well, he's been working so hard and is so stressed." We convince ourselves to be happy with the relationship even when we sense something is wrong.

That was a VERY powerful message for me. I know it may be common sense for some, but many times I wanted to be perceived as "nice" by men, and I ended up ignoring their negative qualities. I look forward to reading the rest of the book and seeing what else I can learn!
 
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I agree about Chapter 2. I found it quite empowering. I like how the author made it a point to say it is up to you to change behavior and make different choices and being accountable.

It also was kinda disheartening to read about how we as women ignore red flags and why we do it. :( Frustrating that society, family and friends try to make these red flags a nonissue by saying/focusing on his positive features (ie. his generosity, good job, handsome, etc) and almost guilting us into staying in a non healthy relationship.

No man is worth that siht!!
 
deediamante said:
I agree about Chapter 2. I found it quite empowering. I like how the author made it a point to say it is up to you to change behavior and make different choices and being accountable.

It also was kinda disheartening to read about how we as women ignore red flags and why we do it. :( Frustrating that society, family and friends try to make these red flags a nonissue by saying/focusing on his positive features (ie. his generosity, good job, handsome, etc) and almost guilting us into staying in a non healthy relationship.

No man is worth that siht!!
Click to expand...

One of the most frustrating things is realizing that others are almost unintentionally conspiring against us with these POS men. I said it somewhere on here before, we have to focus on the bad qualities, because the good doesn't matter if he's abusive, manipulative, a liar, a cheater, emotionally unavailable, etc. I think we are finally starting to get it.
 
hopeful said:
One of the most frustrating things is realizing that others are almost unintentionally conspiring against us with these POS men. I said it somewhere on here before, we have to focus on the bad qualities, because the good doesn't matter if he's abusive, manipulative, a liar, a cheater, emotionally unavailable, etc. I think we are finally starting to get it.
Click to expand...

So agree!! No good quality is worth it if he is all those negative qualities. This actually helped me get over an ex years ago by focusing on his negatives when I was doubting myself and thinking I made a mistake by ending the relationship. For future, I would like to avoid even starting a relationship with a dangerous guy by noticing those red flags well in advance.
 
eta: I see it was already quoted
@hopeful Didn't you say something about it's better to focus on the bad behavior in the beginning or something like that. Please correct me if I'm wrong- and where did you post that?
deediamante said:
I agree about Chapter 2. I found it quite empowering. I like how the author made it a point to say it is up to you to change behavior and make different choices and being accountable.

It also was kinda disheartening to read about how we as women ignore red flags and why we do it. :( Frustrating that society, family and friends try to make these red flags a nonissue by saying/focusing on his positive features (ie. his generosity, good job, handsome, etc) and almost guilting us into staying in a non healthy relationship.

No man is worth that siht!!
Click to expand...
 
Jas123 said:
eta: I see it was already quoted
@hopeful Didn't you say something about it's better to focus on the bad behavior in the beginning or something like that. Please correct me if I'm wrong- and where did you post that?
Click to expand...

Yes! Learn to focus on the bad, the deal breakers, period. If he has characteristics that you find unacceptable TO YOU the good things don't matter. For me emotional availability is a no go. I don't care how handsome, rich, charming you are. As women we have the right to have deal breakers and to walk away from someone that friends and relatives think is good enough. How dare they think they can decide what's good enough for us? Really? They are not the one dealing with the jerk.
 
I need to get back in here to talk about chapter 2! I've had so much going on lately. I will be back over the weekend so things can keep moving along.
 
@deediamante
@Kim0105
@Kalani
@crlsweetie912
@WonderGirl2U
@JustSitNBePretty
@hot_pepper96

Okay ladies on to Chapter 3 The Permanent Clinger. I love that she starts out here, with the least likely suspect. He's the guy that seems so wonderful, the "perfect" guy you've been waiting for. He seems nothing like the others. But he is needy and over time that neediness becomes his preferred tool of abuse. Innocent as they seem, she says, "But make no mistake: Clingers are pathological." She says that they are emotionally needy. They don't want you to have a life outside of them.

The author says many of these men have avoidant personality disorder. Wikipedia describes it as: Avoidant personality disorder (AvPD), also known as anxious personality disorder,[1] is a Cluster Cpersonality disorder. Those affected display a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction despite a strong desire to be close to others.[2]

So, even though he initially may appear harmless, he can become dangerous to your emotional well-being, because he will end up suffocating you.

She also says, "Pathological men in general are gifted in their abilities to attract women." After a woman has been cheated on, hit, or neglected, this man appears very safe and attractive.

Thoughts ladies?
 
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hopeful said:
@deediamante
@Kim0105
@Kalani
@crlsweetie912
@WonderGirl2U
@JustSitNBePretty
@hot_pepper96

Okay ladies on to Chapter 3 The Permanent Clinger. I love that she starts out here, with the least likely suspect. He's the guy that seems so wonderful, the "perfect" guy you've been waiting for. He seems nothing like the others. But he is needy and over time that neediness becomes his preferred tool of abuse. Innocent as they seem, she says, "But make no mistake: Clingers are pathological." She says that they are emotionally needy. They don't want you to have a life outside of them.

The author says many of these men have avoidant personality disorder. Wikipedia describes it as: Avoidant personality disorder (AvPD), also known as anxious personality disorder,[1] is a Cluster Cpersonality disorder. Those affected display a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction despite a strong desire to be close to others.[2]

So, even though he initially may appear harmless, he can become dangerous to your emotional well-being, because he will end up suffocating you.

She also says, "Pathological men in general are gifted in their abilities to attract women." After a woman has been cheated on, hit, or neglected, this man appears very safe and attractive.

Thoughts ladies?
Click to expand...

My initial thought is I can see how a woman would be attracted to a Clinger after dealing with men with other issues- abusive, absent (emotionally/physically), noncommittal, etc. The Clinger would seem like a dream come true because he's showering his woman with attention, and finally she feels like she's found someone who wants to be in the relationship as much as she does.

The problem would come in when she doesn't have time to cater to his insecurities and his incessant need for constant attention. She may have a demanding job, children who need her attention, or relationships with close family and friends she wants to maintain, and he would have a problem with these things. Her inability to cater to his needs would cause constant tension and arguments, and the relationship would quickly become unsustainable.

I think in extreme cases, Clingers are the type of men who end up killing their wives or girlfriends when they finally try to leave the relationship. No one wants to die for love!

The bottom line is, these men appear harmless and women initially may think they are the answer to their prayers, but in reality, they are bad news. As Hopeful pointed out, the author says Clingers likely suffer from a personality disorder (e.g. Avoidant Personality Disorder).

This is a good reminder to watch out for these men and end things early if they shows signs of being too clingy.
 
^^. Agreed!

Clingers seem attractive in the beginning because who doesn't like all that attention on them? But after the honeymoon phase is over, that has to get exhausting and unattractive! I am so big on my personal time and space that a man like this will drain me.

It becomes a challenge to leave a clinger because you will look like the bad guy and contribute to his "heartache" when you try to end things. And we as women are naturally nurturing and doesn't like hurting someone's feelings. So the cycle continues and this undesirable relationship extends way past its expiration date.
 
Another point that caught my eye in this chapter was how important it is to pace the relationship. If you tell him you want to slow things down and he throws a fit....red flag! It shows that he ain't thinking about you. He is more worried about his sense of rejection/abandonment than respecting your boundaries.

"Dependency is not love."
 
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