Cut Buddy

[FemmeFatale]

I feel in many ways people are passing like ships. No one is trying to control anyone's sexuality. But do see things for what they are. Sure, this works out for *some* in that they still get what they want in the end. No, it certainly does not work out for most. It is, at this moment, not working out for most. It would be a great thing, imo, if there were an 18 year old lurking who decided not to hop on the merry go round and instead thought more about acting in accordance with her longterm interests and not just what may be fun today or for the next few years. *People who actually care* will be honest with her about that. The resistance to these ideas would make more sense if there were also a willingness to openly acknowledge and accept all of the consequences and impacts of these societal-level shifts in values. But there isn't, just more and more complaints, as if no one expected there to be any fallout. The next time there's a thread expressing anxiety, confusion, discouragement, etc. about how it is women (and black women in particular) aren't getting married or can't get what they want romantically, don't waste the energy, just reference this thread.

Yep, and I think for black women it's different..I'm already seeing the 40-45 group of women that are suffering the consequences of wasting time and energy. My thoughts are not pc so I'll leave it at that.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

I had a friendship end over this type of conversation.

It was probably for the best. We are too old to be cosigning stupid spit.

 

[SophieDulce]

Unfortunately, everything in here is theory because reality doesn't line up with anything any of us have said. That's all I've been saying. The game has changed. Folks are having casual sex because they enjoy it. People need to figure out their own game plan and act accordingly because nobody is going to stop doing what they like so that other women can get mates.

I don't think that most do... Well at least in my experience, I was young and did it because that's what I thought was "normal". I never felt happy or satisfied after, I eventually realized that I am not that type to handle that on an emotional level. I need man to fully commit to me and treat as his everything to fully feel secure and uninhibited during sex. I need to feel protected and cherished. I've never felt that way just fcking some random dude.

Most of the women I know who can kind of do the random FWB thing are older, usually divorced and have had enough life experience to understand the game and they are usually 45+

 

[TayMac]

Driving to work...what song is playing?
Buddy- Musiq Soulchild.

I can't lie, it'll be fly if you were my b-u-d-d-y

 

[Menina Preta]

If you can't get mates because other women are casually sexing that's the least of your problems - if anything if you are truly a prize and carry yourself as such the fact that you hold out in a world of 'yes' sayers will distinguish you to the right man that values that sort of thing and make you a rare commodity.

If he doesn't value it then maybe y'all are not compatible - women just need to do what they are doing and what they feel comfortable doing.

The biggest 'sluts' in the world are all probably married now- outside of high school I didn't even know grown women really thought being 'sluts' would stop women getting married and having kids. Some of y'all need to get out cause the world has changed.

Also many in here have clearly reference the legalization of prostitution (in those words) so I don't know why people are acting brand new. Attaching a financial price to your pussy doesn't mean you value it - if you really valued yourself and your sex it would be priceless.

This has recently changed. In college (some years ago...lol), among Black folk, the whole slut shaming label was alive and well. It wasn't till I was in my mid to late twenties that people realized it didn't really matter what you did in undergrad or your early twenties. And true, all the "sluts" I know are married now.

Out of the few posts I read in here...people are painting this issue all black and white. I'm not for FWB relationships if you eventually want to marry b/c I think it distracts you from meeting people as you're content to leave the "party" early to get some from your cut buddy. However, if you're older, in between relationships, traveling for a distinct period of time, then by all means. When I was younger, I tried a FWB but it wasn't for me b/c at that time I was truly looking for a relationship. If I were to be single again, I would probably have a FWB for a very short period till I was ready to date again...

 

[Femmefatal1981]

This has recently changed. In college (some years ago...lol), among Black folk, the whole slut shaming label was alive and well. It wasn't till I was in my mid to late twenties that people realized it didn't really matter what you did in undergrad or your early twenties. And true, all the "sluts" I know are married now. Out of the few posts I read in here...people are painting this issue all black and white. I'm not for FWB relationships if you eventually want to marry b/c I think it distracts you from meeting people as you're content to leave the "party" early to get some from your cut buddy. However, if you're older, in between relationships, traveling for a distinct period of time, then by all means. When I was younger, I tried a FWB but it wasn't for me b/c at that time I was truly looking for a relationship. If I were to be single again, I would probably have a FWB for a very short period till I was ready to date again...

I think it's a age thing. At a certain point you can't expect someone who is 28 to still be a virgin or have 1-2 sexual partners.

 

[Kurlee]

LHCF is so contradictory... so y'all don't believe in fwb because it cheapens sex yet you believe in one night stands and legalizing the selling of poussay?

Let me be real here - some women are playing the game wrong - a woman never needs to even kiss or hold a mans hand to be compensated for her time with gifts and financial support if thats what she desires... It's nothing to do with sex and u will probably get more from a man without sexing him if that's the game you are in - it's all about the type of man you choose.

Some men are so cheap and/or broke that you can buss it open all night every night and sing on that mic all night and get zilch. Others you will have what you want just cause he wants to make you smile, to impress you etc and that's who he is.

Same thing with marriage and relationships - if you meet a marriage minded man who is at the right time in his life and you meet his requirements he will marry you whether you slept with him on the first night or after a year, whether he was your first or your hundredth - cause your the one and he knew it from the first moment he met you - most women do not need to do magic tricks or acrobatics to get a man to marry them - the hard part, is staying married given that most pre engagement relationships are only 1-3 years and marriage is for life.

For the record, I think both are a bad idea. I also think that there's an undercurrent in this thread that believes very negative things about men. Feminism is not just about women. It's also about men and the perceptions here are very sexist.

 

[Menina Preta]

I think it's a age thing. At a certain point you can't expect someone who is 28 to still be a virgin or have 1-2 sexual partners.

Very true. Some folks still practice behaviors that make me pause, i.e. swingers, sex club goers, slut years - more than 15-20 dudes in a year, but I no longer think "Hey, no dude will want to be with her." A lot of these women are discreet about their freakiness, lol.

 

[Kurlee]

So what do you suggest as a solution?

In a perfect world, women should stop giving their stuff away for free. Stop rationalizing away biology. Human interaction in particular ways WILL have an effect on you physically, emotionally and psychologically. That is a fact. Stop making it reactive and about men as if you're so clever and getting one over on them. You're really not. They still get the sex and they still don't have to talk to you, marry you or respect you. Who wins in that game?

Sex is great, but what happens when you're not young anymore and all these men and cut buddies have moved on, married, had kids? What are the implications of doing these things on your emotional health? What do you about the baggage it creates? What are the implications of your actions when the younger generation has to pay for the climate you created? What about disease? Pregnancy? Women have to bear the brunt of all of that? Is an orgasm worth all of that? Women get orgasms, possible pregnancies, abortions and diseases (many incurable) and men get sex on demand for nothing? IMO, it's not worth it and that's not liberating. How are you free in that situation? Free to do what? Give men what they wanted without any responsibility or stigma with all the consequences falling on you?

Simply put, keep it real. Say you're scared. Say you're tired of their BS. Say you don't trust them. Be HONEST. Be vulnerable and then advocate and hold out for what you really want AND THEN make your plan of action. I'm sorry, but you can smell the fear behind the thinly veiled liberation talk and to be frank, there's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling all of those things I listed above. It would be normal. I think women simply don't believe they can get what they really want from men, so they've convinced themselves that going along with the BS is their own idea and liberating.

Just my opinion/theory, though.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

For the record, I think both are a bad idea. I also think that there's an undercurrent in this thread that believes very negative things about men. Feminism is not just about women. It's also about men and the perceptions here are very sexist.

I fully admit to believing very negative things about men. I'm no man hater, but I'm not their biggest fan either.

 

[Kurlee]

Expecting a man to take you out for a a meal, lend you money for your phone bill, or pay for a new purse isn't sex work. If that's the case I've been a sex worker since I was 16 when my Aunt sat me down and gave me the best advice ever: your time is valuable, and any man who wants to spend time with you should know that & act act accordingly.

Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal. If I'm not getting something I want out of it then what's the point? And since I can get my own "happy ending" he's gonna have to do better than that.

 

[Kurlee]

I agree about relationships being reciprocal. You can get all this without sex though because as a woman, your time is valuable. But that's not what people were alluding to and y'all know it.

Could you elaborate on this? Those of us not on the cut buddy train have different stances of different things.

 

[Kurlee]

So then what is being said is that casual sex is cool as long as you are getting something out of it. Which still doesn't solve the problem people were complaining about in the first place.

For me (only), casual sex (regardless of type) is not a good idea and DOES mess up the game for women.

 

[Kurlee]

I can only speak for myself but if your number is saved in my phone I see you as an investment. You are a commitment. Be it short term or long term, still a commitment. Emotional and social investment. If not, that means you aren't worth my time. I dont need to know you. Cut buddies and FWB are clear investments. They benefit men more than women. Women produce oxytocin, men don't. So if you are climaxing, dude knows your spot you are sharing and investing yourself HABITUALLY and CONTINUOUSLY with a man that will give you absolutely nothing in return for your investment besides a good time. This is not about money. If a woman is sharing herself--again, her body, her time-- on a regular basis with a man she needs to ensure all of the effort will work to her benefit in the long run. Cut buddies and FWB are poor investments. Boyfriends are more likely to be better investments. One night stands are virtually no investment at all but still less emotional and social cost than having a cut buddy.

eta: let's be clear, I dont advocate heauxdom. Some women are hell bent on being heauxs or having a heaux phase. no problem, if that's the case usually FWB and cut buddies dont work out long term. I've rarely seen this setup end positively for a woman. The women that say they do are silly broads like a few I know who are really hurting on the inside after enjoying their orgasm because they really like they guy which is why they keep calling him to come hit it.

This!!!! And they pretend like they don't. Their feelings get real hurt when dude commits to someone else or gets married.

 

[Kurlee]

Nobody is selling it to them. They already believe it and are doing it. So what is the end game? To make casual sexers feel bad? Because from what I've seen, that doesn't work.

I don't think anyone here has advocated for teaching young girls to do this. Just that it's reality and folks need to navigate the scene accordingly.

Perhaps showing a different side and challenging them to think about their decisions. Especially for younger people, some of them make choices because it's what makes sense to them at the time or the behavior is just common. It's not until someone shows them something different or they learn on their own (the hard way) that they are able to see another way. My point is, we shouldn't shy away from discussing all sides of the issue because there's something to be learned by everyone. Things can't change if we can't identify a problem and think about how to do things differently. I think a lot of women feel lonely, frustrated and hopeless and are doing all kinds of things to remedy it. Some of us are posting, but many are lurking and some may find comfort in seeing that they are not the only ones. If people feel bad (on either side of the debate), it might be because they have regrets, it's a good thing to be provoked to reflect and assess yourself.

 

[Kurlee]

I feel in many ways people are passing like ships. No one is trying to control anyone's sexuality. But do see things for what they are. Sure, this works out for *some* in that they still get what they want in the end. No, it certainly does not work out for most. It is, at this moment, not working out for most. It would be a great thing, imo, if there were an 18 year old lurking who decided not to hop on the merry go round and instead thought more about acting in accordance with her longterm interests and not just what may be fun today or for the next few years. *People who actually care* will be honest with her about that.

The resistance to these ideas would make more sense if there were also a willingness to openly acknowledge and accept all of the consequences and impacts of these societal-level shifts in values. But there isn't, just more and more complaints, as if no one expected there to be any fallout. The next time there's a thread expressing anxiety, confusion, discouragement, etc. about how it is women (and black women in particular) aren't getting married or can't get what they want romantically, don't waste the energy, just reference this thread.

Exactly! How are we missing the connection?

 

[Kurlee]

Yep, and I think for black women it's different..I'm already seeing the 40-45 group of women that are suffering the consequences of wasting time and energy. My thoughts are not pc so I'll leave it at that.

me too and they're aging and the available "worth it" men are dwindling. Some are childless. It's very sad.

 

[Kurlee]

I fully admit to believing very negative things about men. I'm no man hater, but I'm not their biggest fan either.

Don't blame you. Given the way things go down, the things you see people go through, the media, it's hard not to. I do, however, remember some of the good men in my life and it reminds me that there are still some good ones out there that don't subscribe to all the foolishness.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Id rather be a prostitute( if it was legal) than be some mans cut buddy.

This made me laugh

 

[barbiesocialite]

Yep, and I think for black women it's different..I'm already seeing the 40-45 group of women that are suffering the consequences of wasting time and energy. My thoughts are not pc so I'll leave it at that.

You know how in business and academia they say a black person has to work ten times harder for half the pay? Same things applies to relationships. Men should be held to a high standard across the board but every woman cant do the same thing for the same results. People keep talking about these married sluts, most are white. White chicks win proposals for slutting. Black chicks are more likely to get sent home empty handed.

Thinking about college, most of the married black women are and have always been the longterm boyfriend type or serial monogamists. The black sluts are still out here slitting almost a decade later. I look at some women like "with are you doing? I mean really. Are we still in college?" Funny thing is most of the black sluts or black women casual sexers are the same women that I hear constantly say they want to get married. You know me, my response is duh just get married. I can see if a woman needs to find suitors for dates but Why is it thay hard if you are actively "dating" and investing all this time with men. How do you always have a man around but no prospects? Riddle me that. Guess it's kinda hard if you treat your vagina like a fast food restaurant.

 

[Menina Preta]

You know how in business and academia they say a black person has to work ten times harder for half the pay? Same things applies to relationships. Men should be held to a high standard across the board but every woman cant do the same thing for the same results. People keep talking about these married sluts, most are white. White chicks win proposals for slutting. Black chicks are more likely to get sent home empty handed.

Thinking about college, most of the married black women are and have always been the longterm boyfriend type or serial monogamists. The black sluts are still out here slitting almost a decade later. I look at some women like "with are you doing? I mean really. Are we still in college?" Funny thing is most of the black sluts or black women casual sexers are the same women that I hear constantly say they want to get married. You know me, my response is duh just get married. I can see if a woman needs to find suitors for dates but Why is it thay hard if you are actively "dating" and investing all this time with men. How do you always have a man around but no prospects? Riddle me that. Guess it's kinda hard if you treat your vagina like a fast food restaurant.

I know quite a few Black "sluts" (not a fan of the word really) who are married. I do think times are changing...

 

[LadyPBC]

OMG - all this time I thought that a 'cut buddy' was a ride-or-die true blue friend who would go to the end of the earth for you. Never in my wildest dreams thought that it had anything to do with sex. I guess I used that term inappropriately in the pastohwell:

 

[barbiesocialite]

I know quite a few Black "sluts" (not a fan of the word really) who are married. I do think times are changing...

I don't.

I've been going to a lot of weddings lately and we're all still discussing sonso with her frivolous loose self that no one has any intention of introducing to their brother or coworker because every time we do she sleeps with him on the first date. We're wondering who this chick is bringing to the wedding since she's already slept with more than one dude that's in attendance lol

Eta: perfect example, just last night I had a convo with a casual sexing female who's trying to get into a relationship, thinks she's almost there meanwhile I never have sex and I'm tryna get out of one lol we have a date today to talk about his feelings since he claims he needs to look me in my eyes to say whatever lol Meanwhile the sexer had been sexing all weekend and is damn near in love waiting in the wings for dude to put a label on it.

 

[Kindheart]

How is this different from Friend With Benefits?

You actually talk about how your day went ,the people you date ,you re actual friends that don't want to get involved in a relationship with each other

 

[oceanwater]

I know quite a few Black "sluts" (not a fan of the word really) who are married. I do think times are changing...

Me too. They are the ones who skipped college. The college educated black sluts are unmarried.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Me too. They are the ones who skipped college. The college educated black sluts are unmarried.

Yes!

I know some ged hoodboogers that can barely read that are engaged or married. The college educated black sluts---nope.

This post brings up an interesting element to the conversation thats def worthy of discussion.

 

[Hairsnob]

OMG - all this time I thought that a 'cut buddy' was a ride-or-die true blue friend who would go to the end of the earth for you. Never in my wildest dreams thought that it had anything to do with sex. I guess I used that term inappropriately in the pastohwell:

I'm glad you know the real meaning now because that could have caused a few misunderstandings.

And don't feel bad because I had a recent misunderstanding as well. I love that new song Truffle Butter because the beat and hook is hot. Then I googled what the slang for Truffle Butter is and now I'm careful with referencing that song.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

I don't. I've been going to a lot of weddings lately and we're all still discussing sonso with her frivolous loose self that no one has any intention of introducing to their brother or coworker because every time we do she sleeps with him on the first date. We're wondering who this chick is bringing to the wedding since she's already slept with more than one dude that's in attendance lol Eta: perfect example, just last night I had a convo with a casual sexing female who's trying to get into a relationship, thinks she's almost there meanwhile I never have sex and I'm tryna get out of one lol we have a date today to talk about his feelings since he claims he needs to look me in my eyes to say whatever lol Meanwhile the sexer had been sexing all weekend and is damn near in love waiting in the wings for dude to put a label on it.

Eh all but 1 of the more...sexually active...women in my circle have been married at least once. The 1 that isn't would've been if she hadn't spent several years semi committed to a loser. But most of us married around 25-26. The ones that were single at 30 are still single and sexing every dude that shows interest

 

[Kurlee]

Another question. We keep referencing marriage, but what about the quality of the marriage/partner?

 

[barbiesocialite]

Eh all but 1 of the more...sexually active...women in my circle have been married at least once. The 1 that isn't would've been if she hadn't spent several years semi committed to a loser. But most of us married around 25-26. The ones that were single at 30 are still single and sexing every dude that shows interest

Sexually active and habitual casual sex aren't the same thing.

There's a reason why Patti Stranger is always.telling her WHITE girls no sex before monogamy. You can watch the show and see the sad outcome of most of the women that just put out freely. That's the average. Most casual sexer are not the unicorn whores lock in down potentials left n right.