Why is it wrong for the wife to stay home.

[noemi]

One of my older sisters is an MD....and a SAHM. As a matter of fact, about a year before she had her first she was a At Home Wife. She has said on many occasions she will not set foot back into a career until her baby is in college, and he's 2. She always knew that was what she wanted. Her goal was to be a SAHM with the ability to hussle with the best of them, should she need to. She doesn't because her husband is able to bring home the bacon and afford them a lifestyle, comparable to one as if she was still bringing home loot also.

She loved her practice and still is very active with other aspects of medicine, but she doesn't have a day to day. She started a few companies and does charitable work.

What about some of the ladies who go to professional/graduate school for specific careers? Medicine, Law, Business, Finance, Accounting, Pharmacy, etc.

How does the that play into your decision to consider staying at home should your husband ask you. I think the decision is relatively easier for people who have bachelors and maybe even masters..

But when you go through 4+ years of post graduate schooling (often times even more in research, fellowships, internships, etc) to get into your career, not to mention loans, and the contributions/sacrifices of you/your parents- does it make it harder for you?

I think the SAH thing is great for some women, but being that I'm in school for medicine because I love it and not b/c of the $$, it's hard for me to say that I'd drop it as long as my husband could afford to support our family. B/c I went into the field for reasons other than financial, this reason alone would not suffice for me to leave it....

Thoughts?

 

[Ramya]

What about some of the ladies who go to professional/graduate school for specific careers? Medicine, Law, Business, Finance, Accounting, Pharmacy, etc.

How does the that play into your decision to consider staying at home should your husband ask you. I think the decision is relatively easier for people who have bachelors and maybe even masters..

But when you go through 4+ years of post graduate schooling (often times even more in research, fellowships, internships, etc) to get into your career, not to mention loans, and the contributions/sacrifices of you/your parents- does it make it harder for you?

I think the SAH thing is great for some women, but being that I'm in school for medicine because I love it and not b/c of the $$, it's hard for me to say that I'd drop it as long as my husband could afford to support our family. B/c I went into the field for reasons other than financial, this reason alone would not suffice for me to leave it....

Thoughts?

I am in college now and headed to law school shortly. I still have plans to be either a SAHW or SAHM. I may take cases and do advocacy work here and there but it won't be full-time. Just as I see fit. I don't feel guilty about it b/c that's what I want. I want to take care of my household and that's a full-time + overtime kind of job.

 

[Princess4real]

add to that "with kids over the age of majority" as most men buy time. they wait until the kids are "grown" like age 18 before they really split. then the SAHM, is no longer needed as much in the household. so then courts will consider her role in the home less and less.

i just give more credit to women who work and who also have kids because the jobs that a lot of SAHM do (cooking, cleaning, discipline, etc.), so do the working moms and then some. there are a lot of members on here who get kudos from me because they do all that and they help the home financially. i don't think there is anything wrong with being a SAHM. I just hate when some SAHM act like working mothers don't do what they do too (cooking, cleaning, kids, etc.)

Me too! When I was married, I'd be on my may to work and even though I was the wife of an army officer, the other army officer wives would be talking about ordering pots and pans pushing a stroller and drinking coffee every damn morning! I never admired them. I admire women who can work and still come home and take care of their kids. If you do not work good luck finding a job because we are in the computer age and typewriters don't cut it anymore. I stayed at home when were in Germany because I couldn't find a job over there and I hated it!!! I had two toddlers and to care for and it wasn't hard, I cleaned the house, fed the kids and had my spouse dinner ready when he got home. It was the easiest job I ever had! I had a lot of time to lay up on my behind and do nothing and that's probably why I hated it. I was bored and needed to work.

 

[Princess4real]

1) RHWOA is just an extreme example. Most SAHMs are women who stay at home to fully dedicate themselves to their children and home affairs. Not women who have maids, nannies, governesses, house managers, and still stay at home and just sit pretty. That's what the hullabaloo is over RHW (really any of the seasons). Their husbands don't mind and they can afford to still live lavishly without her income, so really it's their business, but I can understand why this would be fodder for debate.

2) Rifts come between real SAHMs and WMs because there are hurtful insinuations (from both sides) about one or the other's ability to be a good mom, set a good example for her daughters, be a balanced woman, not set the women's movement back 1000 yrs, etc. Both sides have great arguments, but sometimes ppl get ugly with attacks- and the worst thing you can do is tell a woman (or imply) that she's not a good mom This is where the flame throwing starts.

Good post!!!

 

[Te'TahHead]

What about some of the ladies who go to professional/graduate school for specific careers? Medicine, Law, Business, Finance, Accounting, Pharmacy, etc.

How does the that play into your decision to consider staying at home should your husband ask you. I think the decision is relatively easier for people who have bachelors and maybe even masters..

But when you go through 4+ years of post graduate schooling (often times even more in research, fellowships, internships, etc) to get into your career, not to mention loans, and the contributions/sacrifices of you/your parents- does it make it harder for you?

I think the SAH thing is great for some women, but being that I'm in school for medicine because I love it and not b/c of the $$, it's hard for me to say that I'd drop it as long as my husband could afford to support our family. B/c I went into the field for reasons other than financial, this reason alone would not suffice for me to leave it....

Thoughts?

This may be very UNpc:

I say, if you were able to go to school and come out loan free, then I feel that it is okay to be "educated" and be a SAHM. BUT (and a strong but that is) if you took out loans to get that degree and you are SAM then I think you should seriously re-evaluate your career. Loans do not pay for themselves and IMO , it is selfish to have your spouse (don't get me started on women without them) pay for your student loans and his (assuming he has some too) if you are just a normal middle class family. Now those in the upper class, ofcourse this does not include them, but let's be real, the average SAH woman is in the middle class. Also, I think that it is a waste of time to go beyond BA level and decide to be a SAHM. It appears as though the MA/JD/PhD was just to say "I got an advanced degree". I really don't think its about "having a back up plan" because a higher degree is just as useless as a BA with no experience. if a woman was already into her career and THEN decided to be a SAHM (meaning she has experience) then I can begin to understand...kinda.


Just MY thoughts

 

[Bint Yusef]

That's the main thing you know. Women we compare ourselves to what another woman is or is not doing, that's all it's about. We sit around and think...hmmm, well she has this and she has that. Whatever works for THAT woman, is not going to work for you. Figure out how you can make your sitiuation best for you and your family

When did I say all that?
I just said that we tend to over-value hard, grinding work when life is more than that for some people who can afford it. Why is it so bad to hire help if you can afford it -that's the question I asked.

I never said it's not hard work being a SAHM and even harder working 9-5 and taking care of the house and kids at the same time, cause that's the reality for most women in the Western world today.

If someone wants to be a SAHW and can live comfortably, who am I to rain on her parade? Some wives to high profile men have a full schedule even though they don't scrub floors or do the things that we do...

Co-signin all day on this.

There are some men who value a wife who knows how to use lunch dates to schmooze their unborn children into X,Y,Z premiere day school that puts them on a set course to Yale.

There are some men who value a wife who knows how to play the political game within their social circle that keeps a pulse on what's going on at the company he's at or the one he's looking to move to.

There are some men who value a wife who can teach their children by example the value of networking with the right people.

These are not men who need a wife to be a chef or maid or to punch an invisible clock.

As ridiculous as I find 'The Real Housewives' as people, the one thing i do walk away from that show with is that almost every minute is spent networking.

I think the way people approach this SAHM issue is very tied to their personal socioeconomic status, past and present and then they project it onto what everyone else should be doing. Everyone doesnt have to think about money like you, or what their degrees are doing like you because different people place different value on these things. Someone made the comment about black men used to seeing their mothers grinding, I would like to add to that a lot of black women dont understand the concept of living life "struggle" free. Its almost like some dont even feel they deserve it so we come up with all these "hard life" measuring sticks as litmus test of what another woman should be doing. JCOILY, youre post is so excellent because it highlights the fact that every family has different needs and some women's husband dont need to be married to the maid, the family has moved past basal activity and its priorities have shifted, but imho a lot of black folks arent used to that, some folks are still at first base when others are on third. IMHO, this issues is yet another crabs 'n a barrel type issue when it its brought up amongst "us".

 

[Bunny77]

^^^Bint, great post and great point about JCoily's post.

It's funny, because like, two years ago, I'd probably go, "What's the purpose of a stay-at-home wife?" or "Why should a stay-at-home mom have maids? She's staying at home!"

Then I started really looking at some of the couples and families in which these situations existed and realized that there are indeed some men who have it going on like that and seriously TAKE PRIDE in the fact that they are able to support a lifestyle in which they can truly afford that type of lifestyle for their wives and children. They see themselves as breadwinners period... and that doesn't mean they see their wives as "lesser" either... you know, "Baby, I work, so I expect you to cook, clean, do my laundry and have my dinner ready when I get home."

I met a dude once who came from that type of family and he said his mother was a TERRIBLE cook. TERRIBLE. Did that bother his father? Nope... he owned some big company, so they just hired a caterer to deliver meals. Meanwhile, the wife raised the hell out of her kids and they are all extremely successful individuals who will likely follow in their parents' footsteps. And boy can those kids NETWORK! An 18-year-old hobnobbing with Fortune 500 executives on the golf course! They were 5-6 years younger than me, and they put me to shame. Made me a little jealous... I had to figure all that stuff out by myself and they were simply born into it.

Today, I'm trying to think on a whole different level about marriage and family dynamics. My life doesn't have to be a struggle or something where I have to prove my worth to a man by doing his bidding if I happen to stay at home. Yes, I'd like to cook and I have no problem doing some cleaning and laundry and all that out of love for my husband and kids... but hey, if the money is there, I WILL also be hiring some services to help me too!

Anyway, I'm loving this conversation... it's good stuff!

 

[Bint Yusef]

^^^Bint, great post and great point about JCoily's post.

It's funny, because like, two years ago, I'd probably go, "What's the purpose of a stay-at-home wife?" or "Why should a stay-at-home mom have maids? She's staying at home!"

Then I started really looking at some of the couples and families in which these situations existed and realized that there are indeed some men who have it going on like that and seriously TAKE PRIDE in the fact that they are able to support a lifestyle in which they can truly afford that type of lifestyle for their wives and children. They see themselves as breadwinners period... and that doesn't mean they see their wives as "lesser" either... you know, "Baby, I work, so I expect you to cook, clean, do my laundry and have my dinner ready when I get home."

That is exactly it, and I didnt want to go too deep into but imho women who have never been exposed to this via their father's will tend to have a totally different outlook about what her role and value is when it comes to this issue. . The "M" in SAHM stands for mother and not maid.

Today, I'm trying to think on a whole different level about marriage and family dynamics. My life doesn't have to be a struggle or something where I have to prove my worth to a man by doing his bidding if I happen to stay at home. Yes, I'd like to cook and I have no problem doing some cleaning and laundry and all that out of love for my husband and kids... but hey, if the money is there, I WILL also be hiring some services to help me too!

Anyway, I'm loving this conversation... it's good stuff!

I have a maid now, and I aint firing her when I quit this j.o.b either. Anyone can cook, clean, and do laundry, but anyone cannot raise your kids and progress your family the way you as a wife and mother have a vested interest to do.

 

[14got]

go head Quest
some folks can't fathom a live without strife
I only have help when preg and the 1st year after birth

my kids are school aged
would that make me a stay @ home wife

 

[reallynow]

That is exactly it, and I didnt want to go too deep into but imho women who have never been exposed to this via their father's will tend to have a totally different outlook about what her role and value is when it comes to this issue. . The "M" in SAHM stands for mother and not maid.


I have a maid now, and I aint firing her when I quit this j.o.b either. Anyone can cook, clean, and do laundry, but anyone cannot raise your kids and progress your family the way you as a wife and mother have a vested interest to do.

I was gonna say this. I didn't read all of the replies, but the ones about having outside folks help around the house even though the wife/mother may stay home does not mean they wouldn't do anything all day. That is some BS. I would be raising children and or as JCoily so eloquently put it networking my arse off for the benefit of DH. I totally feel you Bint. DH and I had this discussion recently and I told him that all of our "helpers" would still be on payroll regardless of my employment status. Of course he looked at me like "duh".

 

[Farida]

Everyone has a right to live their lives as they see fit and everyone is entitled to an opinion. So, everyone choose what's best for you, but realize not everyone will see the value or agree with it. At the end of the day it is you and your home.

My personal opinion is I have high respect for SAHMs. I also respect working moms. My mom was one, and she never missed a recital, a play, a PTA meeting and was home when I got sick, all balancing a full time job. On the other hand, IMO I do not respect women (not retirement age) who stay home and do nothing. If you can do it, good for you, I won't say anything to you, but don't expect a thumbs up from me.

 

[suzyque]

This can be a touchy subject, but it's something that must be agreed upon by a couple before marriage/children. I've been married for 18 years, and my husband and I made an agreement that I would stay at home once we start having children. We made the agreement before we got married. For personal reasons, we felt that it was best for us and our child. I was in the military for 5 years (when we met and married), afterwards I got out and used my GI Bill to achieve my B.A. After 8 years of marriage, we decided to have a child. We only have 1 child who is 9 years old. My mother in law doesn't approve of me not working. My husband says that it is none of her business, he believes that she feels that way because she was a single parent of 8 children and she had to work. I've had more bad looks and comments from black women for being a SAHM. My husband is still in the military and he will probably retire next year. We've been debt free our entire marriage and my husband always tells me thanks for managing our finances. Our finances are in better shape than some people we know that have dual incomes or people who outrank my husband. All praises to God, who gives us the wisdom and the blessings for being good stewards of our finances. We have a partnership. If I feel like cooking I cook, if I don't my husband cooks or we go out to eat or eat sandwiches. We share household responsibilities. It's not always easy being a SAHM. I have friends who have been on both sides of the fence. We are supportive of each other. Most prefer not working with children. But it has to be a decision not made lightly by a couple. And Please women stop hating on each other. Be supportive of each other because it's not easy either way. There are always stresses and unexpected suprises in life whether we work full-time, part-time or not at all. It's called LIFE!!!

 

[weaveologist]

I pray for the day that I can stay home while being financially supported by a husband. Be it with kids or not kids!

 

[Zaynab]

^^^Bint, great post and great point about JCoily's post.

It's funny, because like, two years ago, I'd probably go, "What's the purpose of a stay-at-home wife?" or "Why should a stay-at-home mom have maids? She's staying at home!"

Then I started really looking at some of the couples and families in which these situations existed and realized that there are indeed some men who have it going on like that and seriously TAKE PRIDE in the fact that they are able to support a lifestyle in which they can truly afford that type of lifestyle for their wives and children. They see themselves as breadwinners period... and that doesn't mean they see their wives as "lesser" either... you know, "Baby, I work, so I expect you to cook, clean, do my laundry and have my dinner ready when I get home."

I met a dude once who came from that type of family and he said his mother was a TERRIBLE cook. TERRIBLE. Did that bother his father? Nope... he owned some big company, so they just hired a caterer to deliver meals. Meanwhile, the wife raised the hell out of her kids and they are all extremely successful individuals who will likely follow in their parents' footsteps. And boy can those kids NETWORK! An 18-year-old hobnobbing with Fortune 500 executives on the golf course! They were 5-6 years younger than me, and they put me to shame. Made me a little jealous... I had to figure all that stuff out by myself and they were simply born into it.

Today, I'm trying to think on a whole different level about marriage and family dynamics. My life doesn't have to be a struggle or something where I have to prove my worth to a man by doing his bidding if I happen to stay at home. Yes, I'd like to cook and I have no problem doing some cleaning and laundry and all that out of love for my husband and kids... but hey, if the money is there, I WILL also be hiring some services to help me too!

Anyway, I'm loving this conversation... it's good stuff!

That's exactly it.

Men are competitors, yet silent, we brag more verbally but they brag silently with things or like look what I can do, I am a man...... Having their wife NOT working, at home taking care of the kids, etc. shows that he is a strong man and is taking care of his family. I do think AA women just think they are not susposed to be offered the OPTION to do even have these things. I do'nt live by stats, there are LOTS of men that will give you what you want if you seek it, that's on the real.

I work a schedule that is flexible for me to be a mini-SAHM and it appeases dh. He wanted me to be SAHM but for me, it wasn't the right thing. As I get older (and after weathering a few storms in my marriage) I'm happy that I have the choice and I more and more think women should be clear about what they want and that the decision is up to them as to what kind of wife and mother they want to be. When we date, we need to date like future wives and not girlfriends, so your future dh is clear about what you expect from a marriage and a husband.

Sorta OT: I still think that women's liberation messed up AA women, more than any other class/culture/race. We took it and went in overdrive with it and alot of us are paying the price.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Co-signin all day on this.

There are some men who value a wife who knows how to use lunch dates to schmooze their unborn children into X,Y,Z premiere day school that puts them on a set course to Yale.

There are some men who value a wife who knows how to play the political game within their social circle that keeps a pulse on what's going on at the company he's at or the one he's looking to move to.

There are some men who value a wife who can teach their children by example the value of networking with the right people.

These are not men who need a wife to be a chef or maid or to punch an invisible clock.

As ridiculous as I find 'The Real Housewives' as people, the one thing i do walk away from that show with is that almost every minute is spent networking.

I think the way people approach this SAHM issue is very tied to their personal socioeconomic status, past and present and then they project it onto what everyone else should be doing. Everyone doesnt have to think about money like you, or what their degrees are doing like you because different people place different value on these things. Someone made the comment about black men used to seeing their mothers grinding, I would like to add to that a lot of black women dont understand the concept of living life "struggle" free. Its almost like some dont even feel they deserve it so we come up with all these "hard life" measuring sticks as litmus test of what another woman should be doing. JCOILY, youre post is so excellent because it highlights the fact that every family has different needs and some women's husband dont need to be married to the maid, the family has moved past basal activity and its priorities have shifted, but imho a lot of black folks arent used to that, some folks are still at first base when others are on third. IMHO, this issues is yet another crabs 'n a barrel type issue when it its brought up amongst "us".

That is exactly it, and I didnt want to go too deep into but imho women who have never been exposed to this via their father's will tend to have a totally different outlook about what her role and value is when it comes to this issue. . The "M" in SAHM stands for mother and not maid.


I have a maid now, and I aint firing her when I quit this j.o.b either. Anyone can cook, clean, and do laundry, but anyone cannot raise your kids and progress your family the way you as a wife and mother have a vested interest to do.

I was gonna say this. I didn't read all of the replies, but the ones about having outside folks help around the house even though the wife/mother may stay home does not mean they wouldn't do anything all day. That is some BS. I would be raising children and or as JCoily so eloquently put it networking my arse off for the benefit of DH. I totally feel you Bint. DH and I had this discussion recently and I told him that all of our "helpers" would still be on payroll regardless of my employment status. Of course he looked at me like "duh".

My ideal situation is to be a SAHM....(cooks and maids would be great too).....

 

[LunadeMiel]

go head Quest
some folks can't fathom a live without strife
I only have help when preg and the 1st year after birth

my kids are school aged
would that make me a stay @ home wife

Exactly! Struggling is NOT for me.... I've had to watch my mother struggle and work long hours....

 

[JFemme]

That's exactly it.

Men are competitors, yet silent, we brag more verbally but they brag silently with things or like look what I can do, I am a man...... Having their wife NOT working, at home taking care of the kids, etc. shows that he is a strong man and is taking care of his family. I do think AA women just think they are not susposed to be offered the OPTION to do even have these things. I do'nt live by stats, there are LOTS of men that will give you what you want if you seek it, that's on the real.

I work a schedule that is flexible for me to be a mini-SAHM and it appeases dh. He wanted me to be SAHM but for me, it wasn't the right thing. As I get older (and after weathering a few storms in my marriage) I'm happy that I have the choice and I more and more think women should be clear about what they want and that the decision is up to them as to what kind of wife and mother they want to be. When we date, we need to date like future wives and not girlfriends, so your future dh is clear about what you expect from a marriage and a husband.

Excellent post !

 

[LunadeMiel]

I am in college now and headed to law school shortly. I still have plans to be either a SAHW or SAHM. I may take cases and do advocacy work here and there but it won't be full-time. Just as I see fit. I don't feel guilty about it b/c that's what I want. I want to take care of my household and that's a full-time + overtime kind of job.

I'm going for a second bachelors and will go for an MBA and MS as soon as I'm done. Let me find a man who says "baby you can stay home"... Shooot....

 

[Nefertiti0906]

It must be a cultural difference. When I was growing up in Nigeria, a lot of the mothers (that I knew) stayed at home and were homemakers. Those that worked (including my mom) had "house girls". Basically someone needed to be home taking care of the household, not letting the kids to fend for themselves...

I really don't understand how anyone see's anything wrong with a mother or a wife staying at home, or breastfeeding (now I know that's a different topic altogether lol)

 

[Aubergold]

Someone made the comment about black men used to seeing their mothers grinding, I would like to add to that a lot of black women dont understand the concept of living life "struggle" free. Its almost like some dont even feel they deserve it so we come up with all these "hard life" measuring sticks as litmus test of what another woman should be doing.

I just had to highlight this. In our community we really romanticize struggle in a way that has become unhealthy like you insinuated Bint. I think we can see that in various venues from our personal lives to entertainment. For example, people are impressed when you grow up in certain neighborhoods and "make it out". That is an accomplishment but I find it always becomes the overarching theme of our lives; the go to story. To be worthy of something, we MUST struggle. So you can't have the bomb ass husband without breaking your back in the process. That becomes our song cry; some of us start taking it upon ourselves to continue "beating the odds", so to speak. I work, raise kids, cook, clean, sex, PTA, volunteer, network, give pedicures, do hair, grade homework...I am superwoman look at me AND I am black.
I don't say this to undermine our accomplishments or take away from the struggle we've endured to get where we are but I wonder if we don't torture ourselves unnecessarily.

Personally, I will be a working mom for the most part cause there are things I am committed to doing professionally. Given the right circumstances, I would prefer to stay home for a few years then get back at it. I would not really entertain a guy who was not on the same wavelength; it's important to try to prevent resentment from building up later on in the relationship cause one person didn't get what she/he wanted.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

What about some of the ladies who go to professional/graduate school for specific careers? Medicine, Law, Business, Finance, Accounting, Pharmacy, etc.

How does the that play into your decision to consider staying at home should your husband ask you. I think the decision is relatively easier for people who have bachelors and maybe even masters..

But when you go through 4+ years of post graduate schooling (often times even more in research, fellowships, internships, etc) to get into your career, not to mention loans, and the contributions/sacrifices of you/your parents- does it make it harder for you?

I think the SAH thing is great for some women, but being that I'm in school for medicine because I love it and not b/c of the $$, it's hard for me to say that I'd drop it as long as my husband could afford to support our family. B/c I went into the field for reasons other than financial, this reason alone would not suffice for me to leave it....

Thoughts?

Working part time as a pharmacist you can still earn up to 60K a year by only working the weekend shift I specifically made sure my career plans would still earn me top dollar even if I only wanted to work 20-25 hours a week.

 

[Menina Preta]

The word wife needs updating, imho...(perhaps even husband)idk...

I think its assumed it means in part, maid, caretaker, baby maker, household manager, cook, et cetera.

Nothing wrong in any of those duties, but....I'm just sayingerplexed

your thoughts, ladies...

I agree! I don't plan to be a SAH anything, but if I decided to be, I'll be damned if you expect me to have fresh cooked meals every day, to wake up when you wake up to make you breakfast, to make sure your clothes are ready, to make sure the house is clean every dang day, etc. Oh please!

A Black friend of mine grew up in a home where her mom stayed home. The mom had things to do during the day like philanthropy, etc., so she had a maid service on the regular. Nothing's wrong with that, IMO.

Moreover, this disdain for SAHM in the Black community should be examined and broken down by socioeconomic class. I haven't noticed upper middle class Blacks having such a disdain for it, even if their wives have degrees from top schools. I think the disdain is moreso for the wife of a someone who is working class/lower middle class and it comes from other working class folks. Just saying...

 

[Bunny77]

Raven and BillsBackerz, I agree with both of your posts... (actually everyone else's too!)

I think too that you can do things during your single professional life to set you up to be an SAHM or SAHW if that's the path you so choose.

I have a M.S. (not that one, lol) and right now with my goal on marriage, I'm seriously working my career angle to gain the type of experience that would allow me to work part-time, consult and freelance when I'm married and have kids. I can't see myself never "not working," but I don't see myself doing the same grind that I am now when I do have kids and all.

Again, I'm 30 though, so I think it's easier for me to say that as opposed to being 23-24-25, right out of school and getting married at that point.

In my opinion, no degree is wasted if you stay home. And you have to think creatively to find ways to still use it while staying at home if you need to pay off debt, etc.

I support all choices. Shoot, I might stay at home for a minute and decide it's for the birds and start doing full time work again... who knows. The thing is, I agree with everyone who's said that struggle DOES NOT HAVE to be a part of our existence to validate it. My ancestors and parents struggled for me... so the struggling thang is gonna stop right here with me!

 

[Bint Yusef]

I just had to highlight this. In our community we really romanticize struggle in a way that has become unhealthy like you insinuated Bint. I think we can see that in various venues from our personal lives to entertainment. For example, people are impressed when you grow up in certain neighborhoods and "make it out". That is an accomplishment but I find it always becomes the overarching theme of our lives; the go to story. To be worthy of something, we MUST struggle. So you can't have the bomb ass husband without breaking your back in the process. That becomes our song cry; some of us start taking it upon ourselves to continue "beating the odds", so to speak. I work, raise kids, cook, clean, sex, PTA, volunteer, network, give pedicures, do hair, grade homework...I am superwoman look at me AND I am black.
I don't say this to undermine our accomplishments or take away from the struggle we've endured to get where we are but I wonder if we don't torture ourselves unnecessarily.

Personally, I will be a working mom for the most part cause there are things I am committed to doing professionally. Given the right circumstances, I would prefer to stay home for a few years then get back at it. I would not really entertain a guy who was not on the same wavelength; it's important to try to prevent resentment from building up later on in the relationship cause one person didn't get what she/he wanted.

RIG you stated this so eloquently, and the emboldened I definitely agree on.

I agree! I don't plan to be a SAH anything, but if I decided to be, I'll be damned if you expect me to have fresh cooked meals every day, to wake up when you wake up to make you breakfast, to make sure your clothes are ready, to make sure the house is clean every dang day, etc. Oh please!

A Black friend of mine grew up in a home where her mom stayed home. The mom had things to do during the day like philanthropy, etc., so she had a maid service on the regular. Nothing's wrong with that, IMO.

Moreover, this disdain for SAHM in the Black community should be examined and broken down by socioeconomic class. I haven't noticed upper middle class Blacks having such a disdain for it, even if their wives have degrees from top schools. I think the disdain is moreso for the wife of a someone who is working class/lower middle class and it comes from other working class folks. Just saying...

I agree with this 100%.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Since I'm working on a professional degree, I would feel like I wasted my time if I ended up not working at least part-time. I have nothing against women who choose to SAH. I think it's great!

Even if I was to decide to give up my career and SAH, I would likely become even more involved in the organizations I am currently affiliated with, do more volunteer work, join committees, and pursue my side interest in art/art history and languages. I would always keep busy.

I wouldn't marry a man who insisted that I stay home but I wouldn't marry a man who didn't want me too if that was my choice.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Working part time as a pharmacist you can still earn up to 60K a year by only working the weekend shift I specifically made sure my career plans would still earn me top dollar even if I only wanted to work 20-25 hours a week.

Smart girl. The health professions are excellent for this

 

[Menina Preta]

What about some of the ladies who go to professional/graduate school for specific careers? Medicine, Law, Business, Finance, Accounting, Pharmacy, etc.

How does the that play into your decision to consider staying at home should your husband ask you. I think the decision is relatively easier for people who have bachelors and maybe even masters..

But when you go through 4+ years of post graduate schooling (often times even more in research, fellowships, internships, etc) to get into your career, not to mention loans, and the contributions/sacrifices of you/your parents- does it make it harder for you?

I think the SAH thing is great for some women, but being that I'm in school for medicine because I love it and not b/c of the $$, it's hard for me to say that I'd drop it as long as my husband could afford to support our family. B/c I went into the field for reasons other than financial, this reason alone would not suffice for me to leave it....

Thoughts?

So true. I don't plan to be a SAHM b/c I'm going into medicine and I feel like I've worked too hard thus far not to have a career, but most importantly I love medicine. However, my feelings may change when I do get married and have children. Ideally, when my kids are young (younger than 3 or 4), I want to practice only 3 days a week and finish seeing patients by 3.30-4 for the latest (that's why derm is looking better and better each day...lol, j/k).

 

[Bint Yusef]

So true. I don't plan to be a SAHM b/c I'm going into medicine and I feel like I've worked too hard thus far not to have a career, but most importantly I love medicine. However, my feelings may change when I do get married and have children. Ideally, when my kids are young (younger than 3 or 4), I want to practice only 3 days a week and finish seeing patients by 3.30-4 for the latest (that's why derm is looking better and better each day...lol, j/k).

I said I would never give up my career for a kid, and Im sure you can find evidence of that in posts on this board. Now here I am counting down to day when Im home. Funny how things change.

 

[Vanity1]

I said I would never give up my career for a kid, and Im sure you can find evidence of that in posts on this board. Now here I am counting down to day when Im home. Funny how things change.

I LOVE everyone's posts, and I am counting down the days till I am home, and I am nowhere near being with child yet.
I don't knock the hustle, but even hustlers need a break, and mine is well over due!

 

[Te'TahHead]

I agree! I don't plan to be a SAH anything, but if I decided to be, I'll be damned if you expect me to have fresh cooked meals every day, to wake up when you wake up to make you breakfast, to make sure your clothes are ready, to make sure the house is clean every dang day, etc. Oh please!

A Black friend of mine grew up in a home where her mom stayed home. The mom had things to do during the day like philanthropy, etc., so she had a maid service on the regular. Nothing's wrong with that, IMO.

Moreover, this disdain for SAHM in the Black community should be examined and broken down by socioeconomic class. I haven't noticed upper middle class Blacks having such a disdain for it, even if their wives have degrees from top schools. I think the disdain is moreso for the wife of a someone who is working class/lower middle class and it comes from other working class folks. Just saying...

I agree with a lot of your post but I think one should highlight the fact that black women weren't ALWAYS working outside of the home. I believe the women's liberation "movement" helped boot some of us out of the home, but I think it is incorrect to insinuate that ALL black women were working outside of the home. My grandmother, great aunt, all of them were SAHMs. I hardly know of any older black woman who worked outside of the home.

I also believe that grouping this disagreement into a socieconomic debate is kinda tricky. Every poor person doesn't believe in "the struggle", just like every 'finanically comfortable' person doesn't believe in a life of luxury. IMO, it's kind of a stereotype. I think it is almost wrong to correlate financial disadvantage to a ideal of "hardwork". I know of quite a few people who are 'poor' but consider themselves "Homemakers". Where does that group them?

I almost feel offended because it appears that (ONCE AGAIN) black ideals (perception of blacks not liking SAHM) vs white ideals (percption that a SAHM is okay) are looked at as inferior. Once again, it must be reiterated that differences are just that; differences. I t is being made into a black vs. white thing and that's not really what it should be. It doesn't make one more right or more wrong. I don't see nothing wrong with being okay with another womans right to choose either to SAH or WOoH.

I also don't believe in a "struggle"-free life, but that is a different post. I believe people struggle in different ways, not just through physical labour.. but I am digressing.