Why is it wrong for the wife to stay home.

[Bliss806]

I keep getting the impression. That for a wife to stay at home and take care of home. While the husband works it's looked down on. Am i wrong? I personally think that in my situation. I put in my time of working a full time job and mentally and physically being supportive of him. That now he can take over while i take care of kids and home. Why is it wrong when i woman has a husband that tells her "baby you sit back and let me do this, I'll take care of the family".

Why does it seem that she Has to have a job? That she is trifling if she does not.


Thoughts.

I
I don't have any children yet however, if I did I would love to be a stay home mom at least until they are old enough to go to school. My only problem with being a stay home mom is depending on my husband for everything. I have always taken care of myself and have been working since I was 15. I'm the one right now who pays all the bills and handles all the financial obligations in my relationship so for me to depend on someone else for a means of income I couldn't see that happening. I would need to have my own business on the side where I can do something that is for just ME and not my family. Or at least have a sol owner account where funds are getting deposited into it on a bi-weekly basis so God forbid anything happens in my marriage I have something to fall back on.
I believe that every individual is different. Some people can dedicate their entire lives to their family and children and some people need to have something that is just for themselves, A place away from home where it is just about them and not their children and husband.

 

[JustKiya]

Anyway Im done with this thread. I feel Ive said all I can say on this topic, if what Ive said has been misunderstood, oh well such is life. I hope nobody walks away with any hard feelings based on the opinions I expressed.

I'm with you there. erplexed

Ain't nobody perfect on this earth, and - I think it's a detriment to women everywhere to believe that they must be perfect/be the best in everything - it's not realistic, and sometimes we have to come to terms with the idea that we are giving less than what we (or others) might consider to be the best, and that's perfectly acceptable, because we are giving it our best. Doesn't make you a bad mother, deosn't mean you're a crappy wife, doesn't mean you love your kids any less, it just means you're human. *shrug*

 

[Bunny77]

Yeah I remember the threads we had discussing the American vs the rest of the world's view on help.

eta:
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=256817&highlight=hired+help

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=203453&highlight=hired+help

Those threads really opened my eyes and I needed to revisit them.

I used to criticize myself for being unable to keep a clean home (still do sometimes) and not being a domestic goddess... but I work, I travel for work and I just don't have a lot of time to just be at home and cook/clean/do laundry all the time. And wait 'till I have kids, yikes!

I'm going back to revisiting the help idea.

 

[Princess4real]

That is how I feel about it personally as well.
Anyway Im done with this thread. I feel Ive said all I can say on this topic, if what Ive said has been misunderstood, oh well such is life. I hope nobody walks away with any hard feelings based on the opinions I expressed.

We wub you and baby Bint.

 

[hopeful]

That is how I feel about it personally as well.
Anyway Im done with this thread. I feel Ive said all I can say on this topic, if what Ive said has been misunderstood, oh well such is life. I hope nobody walks away with any hard feelings based on the opinions I expressed.

Just for the record, I really appreciate the things you and SleekandBouncy said in this thread. It was as though you were speaking to me and for me. I had so much to say, but couldn't find the right words or energy. So I really appreciate you smart, articulate ladies. I am a sahm, have been for years, and I am beyond happy. I considerate it a blessing to have a husband who honors and respects me, and enjoys having me at home. I feel cherished and pampered, some days I work really hard, other days I chill and shop, whatever. I'm glad I followed my own heart when I decided on the path I would take.

And to JustKiya and Alabama, wanting to be a sahm is something to be proud of and happy about, you have to plan it and dream it in order to get the life you want. And what you want is possible, there are a still a few really good men out there who will take good care of you and (and of course you will take good care of him too).

I would just like to also add, that people really need to think outside the box. There are so many ways to live that are wonderful and we are all different. Who says I have to wait until I am sixty to garden all day if I want and travel often? Who says I can't meet friends for lunch every day if I want to? Who says a homemaker has to cook homecooked meals every night? Who says I can't hire outside help if I can afford it? Who says I should get down on my knees to clean this big a** house? Nobody. I say and my husband says. That's it. I might start a business when I turn 50 and work till I'm 70. I just might golf and shop and do lunch. I might go back to school to get my law degree. I might write another novel. Who says a black woman can't sit back a little and let her man work and bring home the bacon? Who says we can't trust our men to hold it down? I am just so glad I trusted my baby--with me by his side he has soared financially, career-wise, mentally and emotionally. Together we have achieved so much it boggles my mind.

We wub you and baby Bint.

Yep, I wub you too.

 

[JustKiya]

And to JustKiya and Alabama, wanting to be a sahm is something to be proud of and happy about, you have to plan it and dream it in order to get the life you want. And what you want is possible, there are a still a few really good men out there who will take good care of you and (and of course you will take good care of him too).

I know, I know, I said I was staying outta here, but I had to respond to you.

I know this - and I have been working since before I was married to put myself into a place where that would be possible, and DH and I have been working since we got married towards insuring that I would be able to stay home with our children, without making huge monetary sacrifices.
If I had known it would have taken this long to get pregnant, we might have started trying for kids much earlier, but I'm glad we took the time to form a bond between each other (and put more money away!) before little ones entered the scene.

I really believe the SAHM/WOHM conversation and decision needs to be held and made long before those two lines show up.

 

[Zawaj]

Oh you want to go down that road......

I said I would never give my kids food in the grocery store before paying for it. As if?! That's what the mexicans do right ....HA! Then I had a child that screamed to the top of their lungs in Publix for a 'nak" And we all know that when you're in public and your kid screams, you know w/o a doubt people in the next town can hear you and everyone is looking at you like you're crazy.

I said my children would always look nice, neat and presentable. Then I had a child that went through a phase where he would never leave the house in some type of get-up. i.e spiderman, superman, cowboy boots, football outfit. And who really wants to argue with a five year old when you need to just LEAVE the house?

I said I would BF but never in public because I don't want to make folks uncomfortable. But I've had to whip it out (covered of course) in some places like the airport, restaurant...

and at the bolded! They always say 'Don't say what you won't do' because I'm breaking all of m own rules now that I am a mom.

I have to say 50% of my family looks down upon SAHM and 50% expect one to be a SAHM after the babies. I believe people need to do what's besr for their family and for me that is staying home.

 

[andrea]

Note to self.. This is a great thread. Start reading at page 16.

 

[cocoberry10]

Consider it a blessing that you have the ability to stay at home and be a mother. Anyone who tells your otherwise is probably jealous. Although I do consider myself a career woman, I think being a mom is the most difficult job in the world. A true household manager is an 80 hr a week job. Personally when I have children I would like to stay at home at least until they are able to talk. People are untrustworthy these days and I'll be damned if some random person will take care of my kids.

I agree with the bolded parts. When I have children, I will be home with them, b/c that's what's most important to me. I will probably run a small internet business from home. My mom was with us, and she did work, but it was more important for her to be with us when we were little, and even when she worked, she was able to be home soon after we got home from school. I know not everyone is in the position to be home, but if you want to be, do what works for you!

 

[Southernbella.]

Whew! Just finished this thread.

Okay!!

I will admit, I am tired of seeing/hearing how bad it is to "depend on some man". I mean, that is old.


***Honesty alert***

I wouldn't mind staying home (I get summers off/teacher), But I am going to be honest and say that I worry about losing some of my "power" and "queeness" in my home. I spoke with my man about it and he said he wouldn't mind but he would EXPECT a clean home everyday and a home cooked meal everyday. I am an okay homemaker, but I can't say I enjoy it so much as to have EVERYTHING made out everyday. I like the fact that my SO seems to care I am tired from "work" and massages my feet, cooks and cleans. he is one of those black folks who think that being a SAHM is "not working". So, I guess for my rel., being a SAHM wouldn't work.

So, SAHMS.. questions.. do you feel as though you maintain a good amount of "power" within your home now are a SAHM. How was the adjustment to being a SAHM? What were the both of your expectations?

Sorry to jack the thread, just curious.

I do feel like I have maintained a good amount of power. I manage the money, I have an IRA, and I have a small side hustle.

I think people are trying to say that being "strong" and "working to the bone" is valued in our community to a fault. How strong is too strong and when is it ok to take care of yourself? I mean people have been eluding to the idea that the SAHM must be able to juggle everything in the home, her kids and her husband without help b/c she's not working outside the home. The idea that a woman MUST work herself 20 hours a day is crazy. The idea that a woman who is educated HAS to work, the idea that one shoud be consumed in housework and finger paint and the idea that a SAHW is lazy and doing herself a disservice shows that people qualify work as something that brings home a paycheck.

I respect everyones choice to be a WM or SAHM/SAHW but I don't have MORE respect for the superwoman types. IMO they've made their choice and shouldn't get accolades for doing what they have to do anyway (work and take care of home). It's like raising a child as a single parent, there's no special reward at the end. Both parties can end up with a normal/exceptional child or could end up with screwed up kids. Being a WM or a SAHM is just a means to the same end. Why working yourself to death gets more respect is beyond me and something I just can't wrap my mind around.

ITA! Especially with the bolded. Some people like working, some people don't. I personally don't, and I will never apologize for that. I love not having to get up in the morning to go to work. I love doing things at my leisure. I love surfing the net. I love cooking for my family and all the millions of other things I do throughout the day whenever I feel like doing it. I'm no less worthy of respect than those who decide to or have to get up and go to work at a 9 to 5.

Whatever, though. You judge me from your desk and I'll judge you from my sofa.

Who I really respect is my husband for working his a** off so that I can live this way.

I respect your opinion, but I do! I would never have anything in common with a SAHM. Everyone has to do what's best for them and their family in the end.

I think it's sad that you wouldn't be able to find one thing to talk about with someone who doesn't work. Surely you are interested in politics or sports or history or finance or any of the other millions of topics besides work.erplexed

 

[Vinyl]

I want to be a stay-at-home Mom also. I just hope I marry someone that shares that view.

 

[Bunny77]

I want to be a stay-at-home Mom also. I just hope I marry someone that shares that view.

That's why you have to talk about it before you get married so that you'll know whether you're marrying someone who shares that view.

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

...........................

 

[Vinyl]

You sound like the guy from Pretty Woman.

 

[hopeful]

Whew! Just finished this thread.

....

Some people like working, some people don't. I personally don't, and I will never apologize for that. I love not having to get up in the morning to go to work. I love doing things at my leisure. I love surfing the net. I love cooking for my family and all the millions of other things I do throughout the day whenever I feel like doing it. I'm no less worthy of respect than those who decide to or have to get up and go to work at a 9 to 5.

Whatever, though. You judge me from your desk and I'll judge you from my sofa.

Who I really respect is my husband for working his a** off so that I can live this way.

I think it's sad that you wouldn't be able to find one thing to talk about with someone who doesn't work. Surely you are interested in politics or sports or history or finance or any of the other millions of topics besides work.erplexed

To all of the bolded . Preach Lauren.

 

[Princess4real]

Whew! Just finished this thread.



I do feel like I have maintained a good amount of power. I manage the money, I have an IRA, and I have a small side hustle.



ITA! Especially with the bolded. Some people like working, some people don't. I personally don't, and I will never apologize for that. I love not having to get up in the morning to go to work. I love doing things at my leisure. I love surfing the net. I love cooking for my family and all the millions of other things I do throughout the day whenever I feel like doing it. I'm no less worthy of respect than those who decide to or have to get up and go to work at a 9 to 5.

Whatever, though. You judge me from your desk and I'll judge you from my sofa.

Who I really respect is my husband for working his a** off so that I can live this way.




I think it's sad that you wouldn't be able to find one thing to talk about with someone who doesn't work. Surely you are interested in politics or sports or history or finance or any of the other millions of topics besides work.erplexed

Nope, I couldn't find one thing to talk to the wives I was around about. It was hard, but I was able to move on with my life and yes I'm being a smart arse. It wasn't that serious for me.

ETA: They only wanted to talk about pots and pans, their kids and the other officer's wives on the block. I didn't care about the baked chicken that Lisa burned last night and when Mary's husband was getting out of the field. My working behind didn't have time for that.

 

[godzooki]

I have to be a SAHM right now. Not that I would change anything because I love being at home but occasionally I do get the itch to at least work p/t. Hubby's job is such that while he works from home he does travel at the drop of a dime. He might be home one week and suddenly have to fly somewhere over night or for a week as was the case last week. He was gone for 2 weeks at a time twice last yr. There is no way I could commit to a fixed schedule like most outside jobs would need because I'd constantly be calling in. Especially considering sometimes he will talk to a client one minute and then the next tell me he has to fly out in 2 days. With his old job I was able to work p/t but even that was a very restricted schedule because he hated me not being home when the kids were. Even though he travels with his job, the fact that he works from home more than makes up for it. To the point that I'm sometimes going "Um...Traveling this week?"

 

[Butterfly08]

Wow, this thread has over 300 posts and I haven't read through it yet, so here's my uninfluenced answer...

There is nothing wrong if a wife stays home, as long as the family can afford it and the decision is mutual. It is an individual decision to be made by every couple and I believe there are many positives involved in a mother raising her child, instead of afterschool teachers, nannies, babysitters, etc.

That being said, I couldn't do it for any extended period of time. I was able to stay home with dd for almost 6 months, and perhaps a year would have been better, but I have always been so driven academically and career wise that I would just feel stuck. I got my BS, got married, worked my way up the chain on my job, and now I'm working while getting my MBA and balancing husband, daughter, church and personal development. After I graduate, I plan to work in my field at least a few years before I consider having another child. Sorry, I'm not going through all of this blood, sweat and tears just to sit home and let my skills go to waste. When I do have another child, I believe I will stay home 1 year, 2 TOPS. But being a permanent SAHM mom is just not for me. It almost killed me the 3 months after I got married that I did not work. I was very unhappy!!!

My daughter is EXTREMELY social as well and she thrives being around a lot of other kids and even adults, so I believe this choice has worked well for our family.

But for the women who stay at home, enjoy being taken care of by a man who loves you. And love on your little ones because TRULY time flies and they grow up so fast!!!

 

[TrendySocialite]

I don't think it's wrong to stay at home. In fact that's what I want to do.

However, contrary to some of the posts I read here, I would never be bored. I have a BS and actually want an advanced degree. Some would see it as a waste if I was going to be a SAHM. However, there is PLENTY of charity work that can be done that would make great use of my education and experience. And just because I am not getting paid does not make the work any less valuable, needed, fulfilling or appreciated.

I serve on a Board for a non profit now and if I didn't have a job, I could really devote some significant time to it using the skills of my chosen profession.

It is a definite to each her own decision. I just hate it when women look down on SAHM and think that somehow their lives are more meaningful or busy because they work outside the home. That's just disrespectful...

 

[Lenee925]

I would like to stay at home with my future kids for a few years only. My hope is to be the career mom, and SO doesn't mind being house husband after the kids are old enough to tell him what's wrong with them.

 

[Austro-Afrikana]

I dont think there is anything wrong with the wife staying at home unless your husband thinks it is your DUTY as a wife-that makes me angry being told that a woman SHOULD cook and clean and all.
My partner used to feel uncomfortable that one day i would be the main earner and once told me in an arguement to stop studying! but he is now very supportive about the idea and quite excited...

 

[Lucie]

It's not wrong. To each her own. I would never go back to work if I didn't have to. I love to take of my family and friends. Women get such a bad rap of being non-sexual once married but I don't blame them. The average woman is up by 6AM. Rushes to get ready for work, school or both. Most likely has children to take to school. Has to fight the traffic to make it to work on time. Pretty much donate all of her organs during the day because that's what most jobs want including your blood. Rush to leave work. Pick up the child(ren). Get something cooking. Do homework. Tidy the house. Spend time with the children doing homework some more because one child will inevitably need a little more help than the other(s). Take a shower. Make lunch for school. Figure out what everyone is wearing. And by the time she makes it to bed, Mr. Erection is waiting for her.

God bless those that can manage both. If given a choice I'd want to be a SAHM. And if someone was to look down on that I could care less because my happiness is what matters most.

 

[firecracker]

Some folks think you might get

on. Iunno

 

[twilight80]

I have never been told that it was wrong or had anyone judge me about it. I've been staying at home for 2 years now. My hubby was the one who pushed me into it and it took me 6 months to get use to not bringing home a check and having so much free time. I do my work around the house and with the kids and our whole fam is happy. I love that my kids don't have to go to daycare and I'm there to teach them. I do hate that I have a bachelor's degree and not doing nothing with it.

My mom is the only one pushing me to look for work after my youngest starts school. Most people always tell me that they wish they could stay home.

 

[MizzBrown]

I have never been told that it was wrong or had anyone judge me about it. I've been staying at home for 2 years now. My hubby was the one who pushed me into it and it took me 6 months to get use to not bringing home a check and having so much free time. I do my work around the house and with the kids and our whole fam is happy. I love that my kids don't have to go to daycare and I'm there to teach them. I do hate that I have a bachelor's degree and not doing nothing with it.

My mom is the only one pushing me to look for work after my youngest starts school. Most people always tell me that they wish they could stay home.

Girl,
You use your bachelor's degree EVERY DAY. Stop saying that. Because you went to school, your mindset is completely different from what it was before you went to school.

Your college degree is used everyday you make a thought. I dont care if i'm sittin' on the couch nursin' the baby or balancing my checkbook...i'm using my degree.

IMO there is a difference between a SAHM with a college degree and a SAHM who dropped outta high school. Use your degree to excel in your household if you can't "use" it in a corporate environment..

This coming from someone who can't wait to use my BS in my HOME and not someone's cubicle who doesn't give a durn about me if i dropped dead.

 

[SparklingFlame]

Girl,
You use your bachelor's degree EVERY DAY. Stop saying that. Because you went to school, your mindset is completely different from what it was before you went to school.

Your college degree is used everyday you make a thought. I dont care if i'm sittin' on the couch nursin' the baby or balancing my checkbook...i'm using my degree.

IMO there is a difference between a SAHM with a college degree and a SAHM who dropped outta high school. Use your degree to excel in your household if you can't "use" it in a corporate environment..

This coming from someone who can't wait to use my BS in my HOME and not someone's cubicle who doesn't give a durn about me if i dropped dead.

If anything use that degree to advance yourself and your household instead of advancing someone else ie your employer.