curlycoquette
New Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
I don't believe that!
I don't believe that!
Why Don't Women Put As Much Effort Into Finding A Husband As They Put Into A Career?
- Thread starter jhcprincess
- Start date
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
yes, i find it to be challenging to find good serious black men in this generation. i'm sure many of you would disagree but unfortunately, it's my reality. i have dated and dated them with not much luck so far. even the single black guys in my law school were not serious at all. they were great catches on paper but they just did not want to commit. two i know of specifically were chilling with black and nonblack girls in my class and nothing came of it. when they wanted to be serious - they were dropped. i know one guy who graduated last year, trini origins, military, about 28, never had a serious gf in his life. just kicked it and slept his way through companionship. i was shocked to hear that (we talked about it). plus he told me about how his parents were complaining that he was bringing only white girls home. topic for another thread.
eta: when i arrived and got to know them and their MO, i just knew that i couldn't pick any of them to date.
i don't think the issue is that women are single because they are sitting home, twiddling their thumbs, waiting. i definitely think there are many women out here who are being active, look nice, are cheery, expanding their networks, and meeting guys even. nothing seems to come of it however. just read the relationship forum here.
it's not easy!
yes, i find it to be challenging to find good serious black men in this generation. i'm sure many of you would disagree but unfortunately, it's my reality. i have dated and dated them with not much luck so far. even the single black guys in my law school were not serious at all. they were great catches on paper but they just did not want to commit. two i know of specifically were chilling with black and nonblack girls in my class and nothing came of it. when they wanted to be serious - they were dropped. i know one guy who graduated last year, trini origins, military, about 28, never had a serious gf in his life. just kicked it and slept his way through companionship. i was shocked to hear that (we talked about it). plus he told me about how his parents were complaining that he was bringing only white girls home. topic for another thread.
eta: when i arrived and got to know them and their MO, i just knew that i couldn't pick any of them to date.
i don't think the issue is that women are single because they are sitting home, twiddling their thumbs, waiting. i definitely think there are many women out here who are being active, look nice, are cheery, expanding their networks, and meeting guys even. nothing seems to come of it however. just read the relationship forum here.
it's not easy!
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rafikichick92
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
LaBelleLLI feel you. In my program, there are 4 black guys out of people 145 in our class. 3 of them won't even acknowledge us black girls in the class. Like we could wave and they would walk right on by. But I just ignore them. I don't try to hang out with them or anything. I tell myself that there are other fish in the sea and go hang out where the fish are more marriage minded and civil.
yes, i find it to be challenging to find good serious black men in this generation. i'm sure many of you would disagree but unfortunately, it's my reality. i have dated and dated them with not much luck so far. even the single black guys in my law school were not serious at all. they were great catches on paper but they just did not want to commit. two i know of specifically were chilling with black and nonblack girls in my class and nothing came of it. when they wanted to be serious - they were dropped. i know one guy who graduated last year, trini origins, military, about 28, never had a serious gf in his life. just kicked it and slept his way through companionship. i was shocked to see that. plus he told me about how his parents were complaining that he was bringing only white girls home. topic for another thread.
eta: when i arrived and got to know them and their MO, i just knew that i couldn't pick any of them to date.
i don't think the issue is that women are single because they are sitting home, twiddling their thumbs, waiting. i definitely think there are many women out here who are being active, look nice, are cheery, expanding their networks, and meeting guys even. nothing seems to come of it however. just read the relationship forum here.
it's not easy!
LaBelleLLI feel you. In my program, there are 4 black guys out of people 145 in our class. 3 of them won't even acknowledge us black girls in the class. Like we could wave and they would walk right on by. But I just ignore them. I don't try to hang out with them or anything. I tell myself that there are other fish in the sea and go hang out where the fish are more marriage minded and civil.
Who said anything about that being the sole purpose? I met my DH at an NAACP meeting. I joined because I was interested in the org, needed so student activities to put on my résumé, and wanted to meet new people because I was a junior transfer student and didn't know a soul. Did I know there would be guys there? Yep. Did the cute ones at the sign up table influence my decision to go to that meeting instead of the black women's student org? Dang right. I killed about 4 birds with that stone.
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Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
yeah agreed with meeting in school, church, etc. a lot of people around me that are getting engaged around me either met in college or law school. there are few that met other ways. if SO and I marry, we will have met in law school (and I would have been the one who indirectly approached him
).
i feel you on the second bolded. trust, i know there are many women who would put a sure-fire, 100% success rate plan in place if they knew they would find a husband to their liking. however, i don't think that's how it works for everyone. in fact, many people from other cultures are falling back to traditions of their parents. SO's law school friend just had her wedding this past weekend. it was an arranged marriage to this wealthy guy. she was in a serious relationship before law school, it fell apart while in law school, dated with no success and started working at the firm - single in the DMV area. she resolved that problem right quick! another one of my classmates will likely agree to an arranged marriage after we graduate.
yeah agreed with meeting in school, church, etc. a lot of people around me that are getting engaged around me either met in college or law school. there are few that met other ways. if SO and I marry, we will have met in law school (and I would have been the one who indirectly approached him
).i feel you on the second bolded. trust, i know there are many women who would put a sure-fire, 100% success rate plan in place if they knew they would find a husband to their liking. however, i don't think that's how it works for everyone. in fact, many people from other cultures are falling back to traditions of their parents. SO's law school friend just had her wedding this past weekend. it was an arranged marriage to this wealthy guy. she was in a serious relationship before law school, it fell apart while in law school, dated with no success and started working at the firm - single in the DMV area. she resolved that problem right quick! another one of my classmates will likely agree to an arranged marriage after we graduate.
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
At this point in MY life, I'm not particularly interested in adding anything new. The advice given is to get out more, join organizations, groups, go to events etc. Since I don't particularly feel like being bothered with that sort of thing, the only reason I would be going is to meet men. Which means it would be my sole purpose. And I don't want to do that.
However, if I wanted to join an organization (like you mentioned) and I happened to meet a man, that's a different story.
At this point in MY life, I'm not particularly interested in adding anything new. The advice given is to get out more, join organizations, groups, go to events etc. Since I don't particularly feel like being bothered with that sort of thing, the only reason I would be going is to meet men. Which means it would be my sole purpose. And I don't want to do that.
However, if I wanted to join an organization (like you mentioned) and I happened to meet a man, that's a different story.
RocStar
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
If you really believe this, then that is part of the problem. If you don't think you are enough (or are putting out the vibe that you don't think you are enough) then why the heck would a man (Black or white) want you (unless you are Joe Budden).
It seems (I could be wrong) that you may have some self esteem issues. The mere fact that you think Black women are held to a different (aka higher) standard than white women, light skinned women or racially ambiguous women, makes me believe that you may have some self worth, inferiority issues.
This may be your experience, but I have found and experienced the complete opposite. Women (of all races) are catty and there are some that have self serving motives, but as a whole I cannot agree with you Black women are other Black women's problem.
Again, to me, this mentality makes me think there may be some self esteem issues. It is almost like you hold white women up on a pedestal and think that Black women are lower or less than. In your posts you have pretty much said nothing but positive things about white women and nothing but mostly negative (or less than positive) things about Black women. Again, if you don't think high of yourself, men won't either. Sometimes it is easier to look at external things and pinpoint them as the problem, than to look inside and see the true problems.
I know it is hard out there for Black women, I don't think anyone would disagree, and I know that the pool of eligible Black men is decreasing, but it is possible to find a man. I truly think attitude is at least 50% of the key to finding someone.
If you really believe this, then that is part of the problem. If you don't think you are enough (or are putting out the vibe that you don't think you are enough) then why the heck would a man (Black or white) want you (unless you are Joe Budden).
It seems (I could be wrong) that you may have some self esteem issues. The mere fact that you think Black women are held to a different (aka higher) standard than white women, light skinned women or racially ambiguous women, makes me believe that you may have some self worth, inferiority issues.
This may be your experience, but I have found and experienced the complete opposite. Women (of all races) are catty and there are some that have self serving motives, but as a whole I cannot agree with you Black women are other Black women's problem.
Again, to me, this mentality makes me think there may be some self esteem issues. It is almost like you hold white women up on a pedestal and think that Black women are lower or less than. In your posts you have pretty much said nothing but positive things about white women and nothing but mostly negative (or less than positive) things about Black women. Again, if you don't think high of yourself, men won't either. Sometimes it is easier to look at external things and pinpoint them as the problem, than to look inside and see the true problems.
I know it is hard out there for Black women, I don't think anyone would disagree, and I know that the pool of eligible Black men is decreasing, but it is possible to find a man. I truly think attitude is at least 50% of the key to finding someone.
FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
I believe in change, so if what you're doing is not getting you the results you want, CHANGE.
For some it might mean becoming more active and for others to fall back a little.
I believe in change, so if what you're doing is not getting you the results you want, CHANGE.
For some it might mean becoming more active and for others to fall back a little.
LongLeggedLife
New Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
For me, choosing/finding a career was not much work at all, it was a calling from a young age, a natural progression based on interest and talent.
I am more fickle in my tastes related to men. Looking good on paper is not the end all key to compatibility, its only one piece of the puzzle, and I dont find you can really 'position' yourself in ways that cover anything more than the basics. You can target or only accept certain income brackets, age groups, professional associations, educational levels, family background and so on, but those checkboxes have no bearing on true compatibility of personality or long-term attraction or chemistry.
'Let the chips fall where they may' is personally a more sensible approach.
For me, choosing/finding a career was not much work at all, it was a calling from a young age, a natural progression based on interest and talent.
I am more fickle in my tastes related to men. Looking good on paper is not the end all key to compatibility, its only one piece of the puzzle, and I dont find you can really 'position' yourself in ways that cover anything more than the basics. You can target or only accept certain income brackets, age groups, professional associations, educational levels, family background and so on, but those checkboxes have no bearing on true compatibility of personality or long-term attraction or chemistry.
'Let the chips fall where they may' is personally a more sensible approach.
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
I may write it out later maybe in this thread if I have time.
I never really explained though how I take the job search in the same approach as you would dating:
If you wanted a new job, the job isn't coming to knock on your door. Even recruiters in this down job market aren't doing as much as they used to unless you're in a certain field
So, if you are looking for a job, you don't just apply for one do you? No. You would send your resume out to multiple companies, maybe jobs that don't fit what you've been doing--you would cast a wider net. When you start interviewing, you wouldn't interview or apply for ONE job, sit back and wait for said job offer would you? No. You need and want a job, so you won't put all your eggs in one basket. So you continue to job search/interview. Then you wouldn't tell every employer you interview with, "Oh I'm interviewing everyday looking" You would simply show how qualified you were, your skills, education and background would speak for itself, you would be CONFIDENT in your search, knowing that any employer would love to have you. When you go in an interview and act desperate, an employer senses that and thinks "why should I hire you then, what's wrong with you that no other employer has snagged you up". Employers as dating single men, sense confidence. When you're interviewing, you're also doing the interviewing, showing the employer that the ball is really in your court to choose what offer you want to take. If a job low balls you an offer or keeps you waiting around for an offer, you let them know you have other offers lined up
I use this analogy to explain how I see people focused on a job search but don't often apply the same basic motivation and plan of action when dating. IMO/IME it's not 'doing' anything or changing yourself. Employers nor men are always looking 'technical or hard skills' e.g. your credentials. The right person may not have to bring anything to the table other than a sweet and positive attitude. I think women hide behind their 'stuff' in an attempt to meet and lure men. Yes, they want you to be intelligent, educated, etc but...as with an employer and as I said upthread, the other things you can implement in dating are 'soft job skills' e.g. being sweet, fun, positive, approachable and confident. These aren't things that you can probably learn but can be implemented. Men really want someone that's fun and positive, as employers. I've seen the most qualified of candidates at jobs with the worst attitudes and worse interpersonal skills.
That's all I got on the job search analogy-I know this was talked about in a thread but I'm horrible at searching and the MM thread is gone bye bye. I didn't have time to type this out last night.
I may write it out later maybe in this thread if I have time.
I never really explained though how I take the job search in the same approach as you would dating:
If you wanted a new job, the job isn't coming to knock on your door. Even recruiters in this down job market aren't doing as much as they used to unless you're in a certain field
So, if you are looking for a job, you don't just apply for one do you? No. You would send your resume out to multiple companies, maybe jobs that don't fit what you've been doing--you would cast a wider net. When you start interviewing, you wouldn't interview or apply for ONE job, sit back and wait for said job offer would you? No. You need and want a job, so you won't put all your eggs in one basket. So you continue to job search/interview. Then you wouldn't tell every employer you interview with, "Oh I'm interviewing everyday looking" You would simply show how qualified you were, your skills, education and background would speak for itself, you would be CONFIDENT in your search, knowing that any employer would love to have you. When you go in an interview and act desperate, an employer senses that and thinks "why should I hire you then, what's wrong with you that no other employer has snagged you up". Employers as dating single men, sense confidence. When you're interviewing, you're also doing the interviewing, showing the employer that the ball is really in your court to choose what offer you want to take. If a job low balls you an offer or keeps you waiting around for an offer, you let them know you have other offers lined upI use this analogy to explain how I see people focused on a job search but don't often apply the same basic motivation and plan of action when dating. IMO/IME it's not 'doing' anything or changing yourself. Employers nor men are always looking 'technical or hard skills' e.g. your credentials. The right person may not have to bring anything to the table other than a sweet and positive attitude. I think women hide behind their 'stuff' in an attempt to meet and lure men. Yes, they want you to be intelligent, educated, etc but...as with an employer and as I said upthread, the other things you can implement in dating are 'soft job skills' e.g. being sweet, fun, positive, approachable and confident. These aren't things that you can probably learn but can be implemented. Men really want someone that's fun and positive, as employers. I've seen the most qualified of candidates at jobs with the worst attitudes and worse interpersonal skills.
That's all I got on the job search analogy-I know this was talked about in a thread but I'm horrible at searching and the MM thread is gone bye bye. I didn't have time to type this out last night.
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
I really don't agree with this at all. I also don't always agree with being wholly focused on education/career while you're young. Since you mentioned black women--I will say that I find that our focus is to linear at times, education/career but a relationship or attempting to meet people doesn't and shouldn't stop because you are in school or just starting a career. I think this is a key time to engage in social activities that would allow you to meet men. Even if they are having a cutting orange competition- if it's fun and different, try it you never know.
I really don't agree with this at all. I also don't always agree with being wholly focused on education/career while you're young. Since you mentioned black women--I will say that I find that our focus is to linear at times, education/career but a relationship or attempting to meet people doesn't and shouldn't stop because you are in school or just starting a career. I think this is a key time to engage in social activities that would allow you to meet men. Even if they are having a cutting orange competition- if it's fun and different, try it you never know.
ThirdEyeBeauty
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
In my opinion, I will say that the effort should be going towards finding a List man. If you do, the main problem would turn to deciding which man to marry (spend your life with) rather than complaining that there are no men around.
Once again I can't stress enough how amazing to have this mindset.
In my opinion, I will say that the effort should be going towards finding a List man. If you do, the main problem would turn to deciding which man to marry (spend your life with) rather than complaining that there are no men around.
Once again I can't stress enough how amazing to have this mindset.
gabulldawg
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
There is nothing wrong with this generation of men. I'm sure our mothers, grandmothers, and great grandmothers had to struggle to find marriage minded men and sift out the losers. You have to look in the right places to find the right man. This is just one example I have. I know of a lot of women who proudly share that they met their man at the club.
erplexed Then get surprised when he isn't serious about marriage. I'm sure there are some good men in the club, but I wouldn't place my bets on it at all. I think a lot of women play the odds and then get surprised when they don't end up in their favor!!
I didn't find my husband by chance. We did meet through a mutual friend, but if I had never got my butt up out of my bed, logged of the computer, combed my hair, put on clothes and makeup, etc. then I never would've met him. Maybe our definitions of "chance" are different. A lot of my single friends are always given offers to go somewhere. But they turn it down. Or do something else with their free time instead that in no way will enhance their dating life. Then wonder why they are single. I don't know ANY single people that are actively searching, doing what they are supposed to do and are still single. The single people that I know are home bodies, chasing after unavailable men/women, antisocial, and wall flowers.
I'm going to respectfully disagree with you there. I love you girl but this generation of men???
Makes it much harder these days.
There is nothing wrong with this generation of men. I'm sure our mothers, grandmothers, and great grandmothers had to struggle to find marriage minded men and sift out the losers. You have to look in the right places to find the right man. This is just one example I have. I know of a lot of women who proudly share that they met their man at the club.
erplexed Then get surprised when he isn't serious about marriage. I'm sure there are some good men in the club, but I wouldn't place my bets on it at all. I think a lot of women play the odds and then get surprised when they don't end up in their favor!! I didn't find my husband by chance. We did meet through a mutual friend, but if I had never got my butt up out of my bed, logged of the computer, combed my hair, put on clothes and makeup, etc. then I never would've met him. Maybe our definitions of "chance" are different. A lot of my single friends are always given offers to go somewhere. But they turn it down. Or do something else with their free time instead that in no way will enhance their dating life. Then wonder why they are single.
I don't know ANY single people that are actively searching, doing what they are supposed to do and are still single. The single people that I know are home bodies, chasing after unavailable men/women, antisocial, and wall flowers.
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Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
Maybe our definitions are different. I consider that by chance. It seems as if you were living your life as you typically would. No extra stuff with an eye toward finding a man.
I agree that single women need to get out more. That's the only way to increase your chances. In my own life, I've even made goals to do so. But like I mentioned in my other post it's so unnatural to me and I always revert back to my old ways. But one thing I decided to do was stop complaining and feeling disappointed. I know it's my own fault but I'm ok with it.
I didn't find my husband by chance. We did meet through a mutual friend, but if I had never got my butt up out of my bed, logged of the computer, combed my hair, put on clothes and makeup, etc. then I never would've met him. Maybe our definitions of "chance" are different. A lot of my single friends are always given offers to go somewhere. But they turn it down. Or do something else with their free time instead that in no way will enhance their dating life. Then wonder why they are single.
Maybe our definitions are different. I consider that by chance. It seems as if you were living your life as you typically would. No extra stuff with an eye toward finding a man.
I agree that single women need to get out more. That's the only way to increase your chances. In my own life, I've even made goals to do so. But like I mentioned in my other post it's so unnatural to me and I always revert back to my old ways. But one thing I decided to do was stop complaining and feeling disappointed. I know it's my own fault but I'm ok with it.
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FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
I think meeting quality men and going out on dates is one thing and getting down the aisle is a totally different animal. A lot of women struggle with the latter, **** at least I do.
I should probably ask my younger sister for advice, she's engaged and getting married this year.
I should probably ask my younger sister for advice, she's engaged and getting married this year.
gabulldawg
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
I consider "chance" to mean not going out of your regular routine. So if I met my husband while I was at Walmart or school or church then that would be chance. Attending that particular event was out of my normal routine. I almost didn't even go at all. I had to make the effort to go to the event to meet my husband. I don't think that chance involves any effort. That's why a lot of women desire the "chance" meeting because it's like a fairy tale. "I was in the produce section at Whole Foods and then I just looked up and saw him and knew he was the one."
Things rarely work out that way. We have to put in an effort just like with everything else in life.
There are other things that you can do to get out more. Not necessarily just social events. What about professional events that people have mentioned before? The "killing two birds with one stone" approach. I love that approach.
I consider "chance" to mean not going out of your regular routine. So if I met my husband while I was at Walmart or school or church then that would be chance. Attending that particular event was out of my normal routine. I almost didn't even go at all. I had to make the effort to go to the event to meet my husband. I don't think that chance involves any effort. That's why a lot of women desire the "chance" meeting because it's like a fairy tale. "I was in the produce section at Whole Foods and then I just looked up and saw him and knew he was the one."
Things rarely work out that way. We have to put in an effort just like with everything else in life. There are other things that you can do to get out more. Not necessarily just social events. What about professional events that people have mentioned before? The "killing two birds with one stone" approach. I love that approach.
FelaShrine
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
Will probbaly be the same case for me which is fine as I still cant believe she's with that dude. Anyway How does that make you feel? and is he Haitian lol
Will probbaly be the same case for me
which is fine as I still cant believe she's with that dude. Anyway How does that make you feel? and is he Haitian lolRe: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
Oh, I misunderstood you. I didn't realize you were doing something outside of your norm when you met your husband. Sorry about that.
Joining groups is a great idea. But I'm currently not interested in joining any professional groups. I did consider a few but then realized that I didn't really want to be part of those group. I just wanted to meet the men.
There are little things that I've been incorporating. For instance, when I meet a group of friends for drinks and/or dinner, I try to get there a little early so that I can sit at the bar alone. That really works. Also, I decided to start smiling more and saying hello to men I make eye contact with. This works as well. And then there's online dating thing that I completely despise but I gave it a shot.
I'm in the early stages of dating someone right now and I met him while walking my dog. Totally random and by chance.
I met my ex-husband while in college and I wasn't even looking for a man or a husband for that matter.
I consider "chance" to mean not going out of your regular routine. So if I met my husband while I was at Walmart or school or church then that would be chance. Attending that particular event was out of my normal routine. I almost didn't even go at all. I had to make the effort to go to the event to meet my husband. I don't think that chance involves any effort. That's why a lot of women desire the "chance" meeting because it's like a fairy tale. "I was in the produce section at Whole Foods and then I just looked up and saw him and knew he was the one."
There are other things that you can do to get out more. Not necessarily just social events. What about professional events that people have mentioned before? The "killing two birds with one stone" approach. I love that approach.
Oh, I misunderstood you. I didn't realize you were doing something outside of your norm when you met your husband. Sorry about that.
Joining groups is a great idea. But I'm currently not interested in joining any professional groups. I did consider a few but then realized that I didn't really want to be part of those group. I just wanted to meet the men.
There are little things that I've been incorporating. For instance, when I meet a group of friends for drinks and/or dinner, I try to get there a little early so that I can sit at the bar alone. That really works. Also, I decided to start smiling more and saying hello to men I make eye contact with. This works as well. And then there's online dating thing that I completely despise but I gave it a shot.
I'm in the early stages of dating someone right now and I met him while walking my dog. Totally random and by chance.
I met my ex-husband while in college and I wasn't even looking for a man or a husband for that matter.
FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
FelaShrine said:Will probbaly be the same case for me
I'm not gonna lie, at first I was burning inside but now I've gotten used to the idea plus surprisingly no one in the family has given me grief about it YET. He's AA and quite religious and so is my sis so it makes sense. Maybe I need to take my butt back to church? Lol
caltron
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
Women have really not been in the workforce in large numbers all that long. In the past, women were not really allowed to pursue careers, so our society is in the process of adjusting. This is a dilemma for woman of all races, not just black women.
I think our society is coming to grips with the fact that women can't have it all. If you want a prestigious career, then you it's very difficult to do the things that you need to do to be married and done with childbearing by the time you're 35. For many professions, the most critical time to prove yourself and climb the ladder is when you are in your mid to late twenties. If you're in the midst of having kids during that time then you're either going to have neglect the children and your husband or torpedo your job chances. This is why most career women delay motherhood until they are in their thirties and are established in their careers. Bottom line, most lucrative careers just are not very compatible with marriage and parenthood.
I think young women today need to think more practically about what kind of life they really want. If your ultimate dream is to marry a rich guy and be a stay at home mom, then it really does not make much sense for you to be a pre med major trying to get into Harvard Med. If a career with a six figure salary and prestige is paramount for you, then you have to let go of your personal deadlines for being married and having children before age 30. Also you have to keep in mind that if you are a professional career minded woman, your dating pool shrinks dramatically, so it may take you longer to find a suitable mate.
There is still so much pressure on women to be everything to everyone and you just can't. I am happy that women are able to choose our own destiny, but sometimes those choices aren't easy.
Women have really not been in the workforce in large numbers all that long. In the past, women were not really allowed to pursue careers, so our society is in the process of adjusting. This is a dilemma for woman of all races, not just black women.
I think our society is coming to grips with the fact that women can't have it all. If you want a prestigious career, then you it's very difficult to do the things that you need to do to be married and done with childbearing by the time you're 35. For many professions, the most critical time to prove yourself and climb the ladder is when you are in your mid to late twenties. If you're in the midst of having kids during that time then you're either going to have neglect the children and your husband or torpedo your job chances. This is why most career women delay motherhood until they are in their thirties and are established in their careers. Bottom line, most lucrative careers just are not very compatible with marriage and parenthood.
I think young women today need to think more practically about what kind of life they really want. If your ultimate dream is to marry a rich guy and be a stay at home mom, then it really does not make much sense for you to be a pre med major trying to get into Harvard Med. If a career with a six figure salary and prestige is paramount for you, then you have to let go of your personal deadlines for being married and having children before age 30. Also you have to keep in mind that if you are a professional career minded woman, your dating pool shrinks dramatically, so it may take you longer to find a suitable mate.
There is still so much pressure on women to be everything to everyone and you just can't. I am happy that women are able to choose our own destiny, but sometimes those choices aren't easy.
HoneyCurlz
New Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
I think it takes more than chance to meet/marry a great guy but I do understand where Kandake is coming from.
I have friends who have asked me for tips because they assume that I did something "right" because of the man I married and the situation it has allowed me to be in.
To be honest, I don't have any tips that are not common sense type of advice. I kissed some frogs before I got to this man so the only thing I can say is to not spend much time at all dealing with men who are on BS....but then again---this is common sense. See what I mean?
I do believe that relationships and marriage come easier for some women than it does for others...and I am not talking about looks, race and all of that. It seems to me that some women just do not struggle with finding the suitable spouse that they have ended up with.
I know this may not be what a lot of people like hearing--but from what I have seen and the married women that I know--this seems to be the case, ime.
I think it takes more than chance to meet/marry a great guy but I do understand where Kandake is coming from.
I have friends who have asked me for tips because they assume that I did something "right" because of the man I married and the situation it has allowed me to be in.
To be honest, I don't have any tips that are not common sense type of advice. I kissed some frogs before I got to this man so the only thing I can say is to not spend much time at all dealing with men who are on BS....but then again---this is common sense. See what I mean?
I do believe that relationships and marriage come easier for some women than it does for others...and I am not talking about looks, race and all of that. It seems to me that some women just do not struggle with finding the suitable spouse that they have ended up with.
I know this may not be what a lot of people like hearing--but from what I have seen and the married women that I know--this seems to be the case, ime.
SophieDulce
Well-Known Member
I think more women need to be open to marrying older. I actually used these techniques to finding quality stay at home mom friends. I am in a area/ age bracket, where they aren't many SAHM my age and desperately needed women to connect with who could understand my lifestyle.
If your in your 20's you need men in there mid 30's to early 40's. I wouldn't recommend anyone over 45 if your still in you 20's. Guys your age are fine to but I think men are more marriage minded by 30.
If your in your 20's you need men in there mid 30's to early 40's. I wouldn't recommend anyone over 45 if your still in you 20's. Guys your age are fine to but I think men are more marriage minded by 30.
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ThirdEyeBeauty
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
I was going to say no but if you are looking for a husband rather than a long term boyfriend then usually this above is true.
I was going to say no but if you are looking for a husband rather than a long term boyfriend then usually this above is true.
greenandchic
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
Though I've had my challenges with dating in the past and finding Black men, I never had an issue with finding marriage minded men or at least men interested in exploring an LTR and planning for a future together. I've never dated men my own age. My ex-husband while too told for a 20-year-old when I married him, was very marriage minded at 32 (and Black).
And not to risk beating a dead horse or risk getting this thread locked but I threw race requirements out the window long ago and since never been sans relationship (for good or bad) - especially living in an area with few Blacks. I do understand people have strict age and race requirements though.
Though I've had my challenges with dating in the past and finding Black men, I never had an issue with finding marriage minded men or at least men interested in exploring an LTR and planning for a future together. I've never dated men my own age. My ex-husband while too told for a 20-year-old when I married him, was very marriage minded at 32 (and Black).
And not to risk beating a dead horse or risk getting this thread locked but I threw race requirements out the window long ago and since never been sans relationship (for good or bad) - especially living in an area with few Blacks. I do understand people have strict age and race requirements though.
Angelinhell
New Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
I haven't read this thread yet, but I honestly always believed it was the opposite. *shrugs*
I haven't read this thread yet, but I honestly always believed it was the opposite. *shrugs*
intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
I haven't read the entire thread, but will answer for myself.
I am much better at the career because I have always (95%) been very good at whatever I did, professionally. I've always been respected, praised and treated as a unicorn no matter where I worked or who worked for. I worked hard and saw tangible results...heard something to keep me motivated.
Men....well there was a period when I dated men (beyond those one date horror stories) who weren't a good fit long term. I knew they weren't and I stayed anyway and was the "good employee", working hard and doing everything right for those who weren't right for me. They were bonkers for me and some still are, but like I said...they weren't it. I tried one guy who would've been great, was perfect to me in terms of my list and I wasn't good enough. I have tried seriously since. Yes, I know lots of great men, but most of them are or were coworkers who aren't attracted to me.
So I just stick to what I know I can be successful with.....my career...even if it isnt all that I would want it to be...atleast I know I am good at it and appreciated. No rejection in sight.
Sad, but that's my truth. I will consider this along with the other thread and maybe do something different this year.
I haven't read the entire thread, but will answer for myself.
I am much better at the career because I have always (95%) been very good at whatever I did, professionally. I've always been respected, praised and treated as a unicorn no matter where I worked or who worked for. I worked hard and saw tangible results...heard something to keep me motivated.
Men....well there was a period when I dated men (beyond those one date horror stories) who weren't a good fit long term. I knew they weren't and I stayed anyway and was the "good employee", working hard and doing everything right for those who weren't right for me. They were bonkers for me and some still are, but like I said...they weren't it. I tried one guy who would've been great, was perfect to me in terms of my list and I wasn't good enough. I have tried seriously since. Yes, I know lots of great men, but most of them are or were coworkers who aren't attracted to me.
So I just stick to what I know I can be successful with.....my career...even if it isnt all that I would want it to be...atleast I know I am good at it and appreciated. No rejection in sight.
Sad, but that's my truth. I will consider this along with the other thread and maybe do something different this year.
ScorpioBeauty09
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
But what you said about women's short history in the workforce got me thinking. Until quite recently college was where many (most?) women met their spouses. In Victorian/Edwardian times, finding a woman was the only reason women went to college. No longer is this the case. Women are going to college with the purpose of starting careers/going to grad school, never mind women attend college/grad schools in higher numbers. So now we have high numbers of women, particularly educated women in the workforce and there's not enough men of the same on the same level to go around. It's why every month it seems there's a new book or magazine article on the rise of women. And the authors aren't talking about black women.
I agree with your post although I do think women can juggle career and family, she just can't have it all at once. There are going to be times when one requires more energy and focus than the other.
But what you said about women's short history in the workforce got me thinking. Until quite recently college was where many (most?) women met their spouses. In Victorian/Edwardian times, finding a woman was the only reason women went to college. No longer is this the case. Women are going to college with the purpose of starting careers/going to grad school, never mind women attend college/grad schools in higher numbers. So now we have high numbers of women, particularly educated women in the workforce and there's not enough men of the same on the same level to go around. It's why every month it seems there's a new book or magazine article on the rise of women. And the authors aren't talking about black women.
HappilyLiberal
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
Well dang... shoot a sister a PM or something... now I'm really curious.
The thread would blow up, someone would make reference to she-who-must-not-be-named, and then the thread would be poofed.
Well dang... shoot a sister a PM or something... now I'm really curious.
Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care
Zaynab
Really?? Where are they? Can you post or PM them to me?
So so true..... Good point! 
What issues are those?? Please....do tell!
I want all of these "secrets"
I definitely see your point...
While I DO believe that cattiness and "non-helpfulness" occurs perhaps in EVERY race of women, I DO believe that black women (peers I mean) tend to be least helpful in trying to help out OTHER fellow black girl friends to find a husband.
I think that primarily it's because MOST bw are trying to find a husband for themselves!
We don't have time to help anybody ELSE find one before WE do!
Just kidding..... But in reality, I think you have hit on something here. I think that there's such a "lack" mentality coming from the AA community regarding "elligible BLACK men" anyway, so I wouldn't be surprised if few are jumping up and down trying to hook you up with their "handsome" or "educated" male friend/brother/co-worker, etc.
I just think that is probably women's nature in general.... sad to say...
I've been saying this on this board for eight years
Zaynab
Really?? Where are they? Can you post or PM them to me?
So so true.....
Good point! nathansgirl1908
What issues are those?? Please....do tell!
I want all of these "secrets"
I definitely see your point... While I DO believe that cattiness and "non-helpfulness" occurs perhaps in EVERY race of women, I DO believe that black women (peers I mean) tend to be least helpful in trying to help out OTHER fellow black girl friends to find a husband.
I think that primarily it's because MOST bw are trying to find a husband for themselves!
We don't have time to help anybody ELSE find one before WE do! Just kidding..... But in reality, I think you have hit on something here.
I think that there's such a "lack" mentality coming from the AA community regarding "elligible BLACK men" anyway, so I wouldn't be surprised if few are jumping up and down trying to hook you up with their "handsome" or "educated" male friend/brother/co-worker, etc. I just think that is probably women's nature in general.... sad to say...
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