Why Don't Women Put As Much Effort Into Finding A Husband As They Put Into A Career?

[yardyspice]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

@yardyspice Because I think that for black women, the standards are different. Even though we live in a white society. And I'm not talking specifically about white women but anyone who benefits from white privilege. Meaning having lighter skin, being racially ambiguous, etc.

There are eligible black men out there who want you (and who you would want). They don't care about KK -- they just want someone who looks like their mama. If they are very successful, they want a certain package and like I posted up thread, you have to know how to sell that package. Listen to @Zaynab, et al and get out there.

ETA: If you are not satisfied with this generation black men, then look for older men or black men from other cultures.

 

[Syrah]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I'm going to respectfully disagree with you there. I love you girl but this generation of men???
Makes it much harder these days.

Lets say you can't change men (meaning like you can't wave a magic wand and make them all marriage minded or something), what would make it easier/better for you (and other women)?

 

[jhcprincess]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Thanks for the responses ya'll!

Well, I wasn't discouraging anyone...again, my first introduction was that blunt statement presented like it was....no context means no understanding. No one has suggested which thread it is. Shrugs.

auparavant this thread

Men don't seem to put as much effort into being available and worthy to be found. I think that attitude about worthiness is why so many women come off as thirsty and desperate. And for all the advice being given, it's obviously not working because the same people keep talking about the same issues. So is it that women need to work harder at it, or is it that they are doing too much? Or perhaps the issue isn't with the women. Instead its time to stop and think that just maybe men are not the best quality these days and it doesn't matter what women do to get one. With all of the threads on this issue and all of the articles and books on the issue, no one has figured out the "secret" to help some women get a man.

And I also think there are some other issues that women aren't quite ready to face when it comes to men and the reality about who they will choose to "wife." I won't go any further than that.

nathansgirl1908 please do, so many ladies want to know

Zaynab can you please copy and paste the list of steps into this thread?

 

[yuhlovevybz]

Because I think that for black women, the standards are different. Even though we live in a white society. And I'm not talking specifically about white women but anyone who benefits from white privilege. Meaning having lighter skin, being racially ambiguous, etc.

What...? Really? This type of mind set is poison. If you don't see your own beauty a man won't see it either.

 

[ellebelle88]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I think women put forth a lot of effort (where is the idea that they don't come from?)

Exactly!! I read this thread and I'm like...wait a minute. Whose saying that just because I don't have a man, I'm not putting in effort? I'm in grad school trying to better myself, I dress nicely, workout, keep my hair did, skin clear, and try to be as attractive to the opposite sex as possible. I think women should face it that (as a black woman) that may not always be enough. That's why I'm asking what more should I do? Not that I am going to do it, but would love to hear more perspectives.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Come on! Do tell!

The thread would blow up, someone would make reference to she-who-must-not-be-named, and then the thread would be poofed. you know how it is round these parts.

 

[Syrah]

I think women put forth a lot of effort (where is the idea that they don't come from?)

I think women put a ton of effort into building & maintaining a relationship, but not so much in the "scouting" and "screening". And I think that's @mech's point - building and maintaining should be their (men's) work.

We just need to scout and screen better...

 

[Papoose]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Oooh, this is tough. But I would go online too. Or do you have any networking or conferences that you can hit up?

That's the one thing about graduate school. I will be looking at the location first if I'm not engaged by that point. I need to be in a city with many different colleges and options of going out and socializing, but small enough that it won't be an NYC with too many options/needle in the haystack.

This is a priority for me as well. It's actually one of the main reasons that I'm giving the side-eye to one of my top choices for PhD programs: U Mich. Not really feeling Ann Arbor for dating.

 

[auparavant]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Thanks for the responses ya'll!



@auparavant this thread

Thanks!!!...I've been scratching my head trying to see what everybody was seeing. I thought somebody was gloating or something and saying that if they weren't married, they weren't putting effort. I was only saying it isn't that simple. Far be it from me to discourage marriage. That's not my culture. And I was married 16 years. Gonna go look at the thread.

 

[ellebelle88]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

What...? Really? This type of mind set is poison. If you don't see your own beauty a man won't see it either.

Hey girl. I do see my own beauty. I think that's why its so unencouraging. It's like...what MORE do I have to do?

Let me add this. The grad school I go to is a very hostile environment. Has over 40K students, only 3% are black. One of the least diverse Big 10 Universities. Black people here don't speak to each other. Everyone feels like every man for himself here. Most of the black guys are either in sports or over in engineering. Many are also international. I work at the black cultural center on campus and I've heard a black guy tell me he would never visit it because its nothing but black people trying to separate themselves and he wants to get along with everybody. I'm like...what makes you think that I'm don't?

 

[UmSumayyah]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

The thread would blow up, someone would make reference to she-who-must-not-be-named, and then the thread would be poofed. you know how it is round these parts.

Who?

Shanel Cooper-Sykes?

Christelyn Karazin?

Beyonce?

Kim Kardashian?

Shima?

Taysha?

 

[ellebelle88]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Positive thinking is so important. I refuse to think "oh, she had it easy because she's white" because all that does is demoralize me over something I can't control when one, it's not true, and two, I don't have to think that negative thought.

I get your point but I don't necessarily think that. I think you may be oversimplifying what I'm saying.

 

[jhcprincess]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Exactly!! I read this thread and I'm like...wait a minute. Whose saying that just because I don't have a man, I'm not putting in effort? I'm in grad school trying to better myself, I dress nicely, workout, keep my hair did, skin clear, and try to be as attractive to the opposite sex as possible. I think women should face it that (as a black woman) that may not always be enough. That's why I'm asking what more should I do? Not that I am going to do it, but would love to hear more perspectives.

I do these things as well, but I was speaking more to the social side of dating. Keeping myself up is great, but I know that I don't go out nearly as much as I could and I do not have many social activities that men frequent. The single homebody that was mentioned up-thread is me ATM. I'm ok with that at this point b/c I'm not looking to date ATM. However, once I decide to get back in the swing of things I'm going to have to change that.

 

[BrownieBrie]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I will never understand why people use KK as an example of a white girl going from a ho to housewife. She is professionally successful, but her personal/dating life is a mess. I don't know why anyone would want that.

 

[rafikichick92]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

ellebelle88 I'm single right now (full disclosure, lol) but similar to you, I am in grad school in a majority white area/majority white female program (not as bad as Indiana though, I don't think).

In my year end musings, I was pondering the changes I would make in 2013 in terms of relationships and other life areas to increase the number of prospects I have. It struck me that in the past few years, I've become excessively picky about how I spend my time/activities I become involved in. I realized that I've become very narrowly focused on professional activities and a couple of community service causes that have captured my heart.

I also realized that I have a lot less prospects now than when I was more broadly focused--dabbled in more "fun/interesting" things early in undergrad, attending socials for things that I'm only tangentially interested in or things that don't directly advance my career or my community service focuses. For me, that has had a big impact on the amount of quality prospects I meet because generally speaking, my career and volunteer interests are not male-centered and even if they were, they're not the kind of people I'd want to marry.

So in 2013, I'm recommitting to pursuing similar activities to those that others in my social circle/target male demographic also pursue even though they don't really advance my career or my specific interests. Of course, these "extracurriculars" are still of interest to me, it's just that lately I've been overly zealous about making sure everything I do could do on a resume and upon further reflection, I've realized that such zealousness is not doing me any favors in the relationship department.

All of that to say, maybe you are in a similar situation where the amount of time you are actually available to those with similar values to you is slim to none. HTH.

 

[Papoose]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I'm gonna need Zaynab to post those steps. nathansgirl1908: Spill!!!

 

[ellebelle88]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Lets say you can't change men (meaning like you can't wave a magic wand and make them all marriage minded or something), what would make it easier/better for you (and other women)?

I do these things as well, but I was speaking more to the social side of dating. Keeping myself up is great, but I know that I don't go out nearly as much as I could and I do not have many social activities that men frequent. The single homebody that was mentioned up-thread is me ATM. I'm ok with that at this point b/c I'm not looking to date ATM. However, once I decide to get back in the swing of things I'm going to have to change that.

Gotcha. I go out pretty often. I'm still young and I hang out alot of the black graduate chapter here. Socially, I'm sure I could be doing much much more in that department but I'm not going to forsake my sanity or studies. Plus, the area I'm in has very little black men. The nearest place is Indianapolis and that is an hour away which is pretty taxing to be going there often so I make do in my surroundings.

Can I also add (and I don't want to get this thread shut down or poofed) but I really also think that its harder for black women because most black women are not helpful. I know plenty of women of other races who if they know two people who might be compatible or if one is interested, they introduce them. If I mention to a white girlfriend, "Oh, he's pretty cute" or "he seems intelligent" they would probably suggest I get to know them AND even try to make that possible.

In my experience, NEVER has a black woman, friend, or family member introduced me to another successful attractive, eligible black male. I always feel like with black women its this survival of the fittest mentality. We definitely don't put each other on. Even if the girl doesn't want the guy, or is already in a relationship it's like a catty vibe that comes off when you may express interest in their friend or a guy they know whose attractive. I'm sure there are plenty of moments when matches can be made through a mutual friend but very rarely do black women do that. Even if they know someone who are pretty similar and could work. I hate that.

Does anybody get my drift? You're free to disagree. I will definitely respect your opinions.

 

[Zaynab]

I think what most of us are talking about is stuff like being social, expanding your social circle, being approachable, nice, etc. which is stuff that would likely be enjoyable and beneficial for you anyway.



Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

This is actually the only thing I suggest women doing or trying to implement and it's not hard. Being positive, nice, fun, sweet/ not intense, expanding your social life and being approachable can get you far in dating. This coupled with directed dating and dating MM.

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[yardyspice]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Hey girl. I do see my own beauty. I think that's why its so unencouraging. It's like...what MORE do I have to do?

Let me add this. The grad school I go to is a very hostile environment. Has over 40K students, only 3% are black. One of the least diverse Big 10 Universities. Black people here don't speak to each other. Everyone feels like every man for himself here. Most of the black guys are either in sports or over in engineering. Many are also international. I work at the black cultural center on campus and I've heard a black guy tell me he would never visit it because its nothing but black people trying to separate themselves and he wants to get along with everybody. I'm like...what makes you think that I'm don't?

Do you have a professional org for your field of study? If you do, volunteer with them when you have the time. Go to their mixers and end of year parties. Find a law student and ask to tag along to the big black bar association events e.g. out here a lot of people have met their partners at a certain party. It's actually a running joke.

 

[rafikichick92]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I get your point but I don't necessarily think that. I think you may be oversimplifying what I'm saying.

Actually, I think I oversimplified what I was saying as well. To me, white women, more or less prospects, double standards, black women being helpful, black men being hostile, etc are all nonfactors. I try to do like John Wooden and only worry about what I can control--which is me--and just have faith because all I need is one person and I've already turned several down. There's a switch in my mind that turns all the worries off. Probably am still not communicating the depth of my point but I hope that's better.

 

[ellebelle88]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I will never understand why people use KK as an example of a white girl going from a ho to housewife. She is professionally successful, but her personal/dating life is a mess. I don't know why anyone would want that.

Hmm..I guess so. But Ive had so pretty rough aspects of my dating life. Girl, the drama...I won't even bother to go there. But at the end of the day, she still has suitors who know all about her messy past who are still willing to pursue her, wife her, and give her the world. What black woman in the public eye do you know that would have this same privilege?

 

[EverythingOldIsNew]

This. Particularly the bolded. I love how the emphasis is on what women need to do get a man and nothing on what a man needs to do to get a woman. Particularly considering the reality that men 1) need women to have their children and 2) statistically do not do well alone.

This is not a forum for men. What good would talking about them here do? Are they here posting? are they the ones here saying they cant find a good woman? Sure we could vent but that is not action and it gets you no place

 

[rafikichick92]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

This is actually the only thing I suggest women doing or trying to implement and it's not hard. Being positive, nice, fun, sweet/not intense, expanding your social life and being approachable can get you far in dating. This coupled with directed dating and dating MM.

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

Zaynab

Noooo!! That's like the one area of my personality that likes to resist modification in daily life!

 

[ellebelle88]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Hmmm...speaking for myself, I'm not advocating that women necessarily make a bunch of changes or jump through hoops to "get a man". I think what most of us are talking about is stuff like being social, expanding your social circle, being approachable, nice, etc. which is stuff that would likely be enjoyable and beneficial for you anyway.

I think men do get messages about what to do to get women. Most of what men say, do, buy, wear, and drive is about getting women. The problem is that many of them are settling for sex and a girlfriend instead of getting married, but I think that's a social/cultural issue imo.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

Agreed. I consider myself pretty nice and considerate, especially towards others. I smile and joke often. I have a pretty good social circle but no, it's not the best. Not because I'm not making any effort though. I just feel like my location is less than ideal.
I also need to mention that if 10 guys approach me, there MAYBE 1 guy out of the group who I would even consider worth my time. And by that I mean, they have a job, a BA degree (in the very least), can hold a conversation, not trying to play games, approached me on a respectful tip, etc. I wish we would stop overlooking the fact that "good guys" are a dime a dozen. It's not like how it used to be. I really think the media and our impressionable society has deluded some black men. Some of the ish they say to me are not only laughable but horrifying! I'm like "Were you raised by a pack of wolves or by your mama?" Mentally, they are still kids! Even those in their 30s!

 

[EverythingOldIsNew]

yardyspice Because I think that for black women, the standards are different. Even though we live in a white society. And I'm not talking specifically about white women but anyone who benefits from white privilege. Meaning having lighter skin, being racially ambiguous, etc.

Girl I hate to break it to you but I have a dark skinned, big nose, thick lipped girlfriend that is pretty much a black KK that's is married to a smoking hot educated black man who worships the ground she walks on. He would work 3 jobs to keep her from working one. Actually most men treat her that way because she demands it. Part of the reason I hang with her is her ability to get men to say yes, lol. She's always getting free stuff. Most of what she does is sheer confidence and Jedi mind tricks. Stop believing white women have the market cornered because they don't.

 

[ellebelle88]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Girl I hate to break it to you but I have a dark skinned, big nose, thick lipped girlfriend that is pretty much a black KK that's is married to a smoking hot educated black man who worships the ground she walks on. He would work 3 jobs to keep her from working one. Actually most men treat her that way because she demands it. Part of the reason I hang with her is her ability to get men to say yes, lol. She's always getting free stuff. Most of what she does is sheer confidence and Jedi mind tricks. Stop believing white women have the market cornered because they don't.

She's the exception then and not the rule. But girl please gimme some more of her tips because if whatever she is doing is working for her, then I'm willing to try it!

 

[EverythingOldIsNew]

The thread would blow up, someone would make reference to she-who-must-not-be-named, and then the thread would be poofed. you know how it is round these parts.

Ill take it via pm then. I have a feeling where you are going but I'd rather just know, lol.

 

[rafikichick92]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Agreed. I consider myself pretty nice and considerate, especially towards others. I smile and joke often. I have a pretty good social circle but no, it's not the best. Not because I'm not making any effort though. I just feel like my location is less than ideal.
I also need to mention that if 10 guys approach me, there MAYBE 1 guy out of the group who I would even consider worth my time. And by that I mean, they have a job, a BA degree (in the very least), can hold a conversation, not trying to play games, approached me on a respectful tip, etc. I wish we would stop overlooking the fact that "good guys" are a dime a dozen. It's not like how it used to be. I really think the media and our impressionable society has deluded some black men. Some of the ish they say to me are not only laughable but horrifying! I'm like "Were you raised by a pack of wolves or by your mama?" Mentally, they are still kids! Even those in their 30s!

This is what I'm saying though--I think you should try positioning yourself in a place/social circle such that the guys that approach you are employed with BA degrees because those are your values. By and large, I don't get approached by people with different values than me (faith, bachelors degrees, and all), except those cases where I'm just walking down the street and a guy says hi which only has been a small portion of the time.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I hate your font. (Sorry @Je Ne Sais Quoi )

I wish you'd elaborate.

curlycoquette You sicken me

 

[kandake]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

All the married and divorced people I know (self-included) found their husbands by chance. They grew up together, went to school or church together, met at a random place like the grocery store or were introduced by mutual friends. I didn't hear of this working and devising a plan to find a mate until this forum. I understand the benefits of it all, but it hasn't been my reality. I admit I do shirk the idea of putting forth that much effort. I'm sure it's the reason I'm single; dating... but single nonetheless. I'm probably the perfect candidate for working harder. However, I don't particularly like the idea of going places and living my life with the sole purpose and goal of finding a man. It's unnatural to me. There are certain things I'm willing to do but I have my limits. I'm going to keep living my life the way I see fit. If it leaves me single then so be it.