Why Don't Women Put As Much Effort Into Finding A Husband As They Put Into A Career?

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I'm not putting as much effort into finding a SO as in other parts of my life because I do not have the energy/patience to focus on finding a SO and getting through law school/starting my career. I'm hoping that will change once I take the bar. I've done it, and my life was more stressful than it needed to be. The main reason was the men I was dating were so far from what I'm looking for, it got frustrating and draining going through the same motions all the time. And these weren't strangers off the street. These were men in school, decent jobs/careers.

I'm still pretty young, only 25 but I've got very little faith in the men of my generation right now.

It is not possible to do or have everything at once. My girlfriends (of all races) in school and/or working toward fulfilling careers aren't as focused on finding a SO though they admit they want one. My girlfriends in relationships or married are mostly in steady jobs.

 

[janiebaby]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Fear of failure and lack of faith. A lot of women don't want to ”work” to find a man and still end up empty handed.

 

[EverythingOldIsNew]

...or at least if you're going to gamble, at least play the games with the odds in your favor. And me thinks linear thinking "first career than family" is NOT in your favor ...

Right. Multi-task of you can.

 

[werenumber2]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

True, I agree. We have to put ourselves out there to be found though. If you're a homebody and single, don't be surprised that you're still single. Can't find a man behind your work computer and your weekly runs to the grocery store. Not really maximizing your potential.

Oops, that's exactly what I did . He was conveniently located just an arm's length away from me. I'm a proponent of the lackadaisical, "you'll find a man when you're not looking" approach. It may not work for everyone but I somehow made it work for me.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

No I agree with you but there is still work to do on our end. Women have to be available and worthy of being found, and that doesn't necessarily happen by chance, especially if you ate going for a certain type of man.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

Men don't seem to put as much effort into being available and worthy to be found. I think that attitude about worthiness is why so many women come off as thirsty and desperate. And for all the advice being given, it's obviously not working because the same people keep talking about the same issues. So is it that women need to work harder at it, or is it that they are doing too much? Or perhaps the issue isn't with the women. Instead its time to stop and think that just maybe men are not the best quality these days and it doesn't matter what women do to get one. With all of the threads on this issue and all of the articles and books on the issue, no one has figured out the "secret" to help some women get a man.

And I also think there are some other issues that women aren't quite ready to face when it comes to men and the reality about who they will choose to "wife." I won't go any further than that.

 

[EverythingOldIsNew]

People will try urine therapy before they admit to being proactive about a man...

This is what I meant! I just don't get it

 

[mech]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I think some women shirk the idea of effort because they internalize that as meaning they needed "help" or "an advantage".

People will try urine therapy before they admit to being proactive about a man...

well hell, some could argue that trying urine therapy is being proactive about finding a man lolol. i don't think women are just sitting doing nothing. how they do it is the question.

 

[Syrah]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

well hell, some could argue that trying urine therapy is being proactive about finding a man lolol. i don't think women are just sitting doing nothing. how they do it is the question.

....true....

 

[sharifeh]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Zaynab

I like your predictable posts, I have to hear the same thing multiple times before it sinks in...


I feel like I thought I was gonna meet my hubby in college and when I didn't I kinda gave up. I know that's bad...

 

[EverythingOldIsNew]

Men don't seem to put as much effort into being available and worthy to be found. I think that attitude about worthiness is why so many women come off as thirsty and desperate. And for all the advice being given, it's obviously not working because the same people keep talking about the same issues. So is it that women need to work harder at it, or is it that they are doing too much? Or perhaps the issue isn't with the women. Instead its time to stop and think that just maybe men are not the best quality these days and it doesn't matter what women do to get one. With all of the threads on this issue and all of the articles and books on the issue, no one has figured out the "secret" to help some women get a man.

And I also think there are some other issues that women aren't quite ready to face when it comes to men and the reality about who they will choose to "wife." I won't go any further than that.

Come on! Do tell!

 

[curlycoquette]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I met DH on black planet between writing papers cause I never did anything but that. If I actually stepped outside....hell I coulda found me a white man or something.

I hate your font. (Sorry Je Ne Sais Quoi )

And I also think there are some other issues that women aren't quite ready to face when it comes to men and the reality about who they will choose to "wife." I won't go any further than that.

I wish you'd elaborate.

 

[gabulldawg]

well hell, some could argue that trying urine therapy is being proactive about finding a man lolol. i don't think women are just sitting doing nothing. how they do it is the question.

I think a lot more women do ”nothing” than one may think. The single women that I know are single for obvious reasons. Of course there are always exceptions...

 

[Zaynab]

Come on! Do tell!

I know! I know! *raises hand*

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[Syrah]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Men don't seem to put as much effort into being available and worthy to be found. I think that attitude about worthiness is why so many women come off as thirsty and desperate. And for all the advice being given, it's obviously not working because the same people keep talking about the same issues. So is it that women need to work harder at it, or is it that they are doing too much? Or perhaps the issue isn't with the women. Instead its time to stop and think that just maybe men are not the best quality these days and it doesn't matter what women do to get one. With all of the threads on this issue and all of the articles and books on the issue, no one has figured out the "secret" to help some women get a man.

And I also think there are some other issues that women aren't quite ready to face when it comes to men and the reality about who they will choose to "wife." I won't go any further than that.

Its possible to be doing too much of the "wrong" things....

 

[Southernbella.]

Men don't seem to put as much effort into being available and worthy to be found. I think that attitude about worthiness is why so many women come off as thirsty and desperate. And for all the advice being given, it's obviously not working because the same people keep talking about the same issues. So is it that women need to work harder at it, or is it that they are doing too much? Or perhaps the issue isn't with the women. Instead its time to stop and think that just maybe men are not the best quality these days and it doesn't matter what women do to get one. With all of the threads on this issue and all of the articles and books on the issue, no one has figured out the "secret" to help some women get a man.

And I also think there are some other issues that women aren't quite ready to face when it comes to men and the reality about who they will choose to "wife." I won't go any further than that.

I'm not ever one to let men off the hook so I'm with you there.

What I mean when I say worthy of being found is moreso about being a nice, interesting, attractive person. If a man who isn't worthy of you finds you, you just KIM. But when a man worthy of you finds you, you should be ready and have something to bring to the table, even if it's just a pretty smile and sunny disposition.

(All yous general, of course)

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[greight]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Men don't seem to put as much effort into being available and worthy to be found. I think that attitude about worthiness is why so many women come off as thirsty and desperate. And for all the advice being given, it's obviously not working because the same people keep talking about the same issues. So is it that women need to work harder at it, or is it that they are doing too much? Or perhaps the issue isn't with the women. Instead its time to stop and think that just maybe men are not the best quality these days and it doesn't matter what women do to get one. With all of the threads on this issue and all of the articles and books on the issue, no one has figured out the "secret" to help some women get a man.

And I also think there are some other issues that women aren't quite ready to face when it comes to men and the reality about who they will choose to "wife." I won't go any further than that.

I agree. Some dudes aren't together AT ALL. I'm 26 and I know I have to date within 5 - 7 years of my age, minimum. I think my friends who are married/engaged have SOs who are 5 years older minimum. Last guy I dated was 31. Another was 30 (but he was a fool).

I really think that this makes this more of a numbers game on my end.

 

[wigsnatcha3000]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Who are you...?

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

Men don't seem to put as much effort into being available and worthy to be found. Or perhaps the issue isn't with the women. Instead its time to stop and think that just maybe men are not the best quality these days and it doesn't matter what women do to get one.

This. Particularly the bolded. I love how the emphasis is on what women need to do get a man and nothing on what a man needs to do to get a woman. Particularly considering the reality that men 1) need women to have their children and 2) statistically do not do well alone.

And I also think there are some other issues that women aren't quite ready to face when it comes to men and the reality about who they will choose to "wife." I won't go any further than that.

Please expand on this...

 

[yuhlovevybz]

Because most women need a job to live comfortably. The same should not be said for a husband.

 

[yardyspice]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I'm not putting as much effort into finding a SO as in other parts of my life because I do not have the energy/patience to focus on finding a SO and getting through law school/starting my career. I'm hoping that will change once I take the bar. I've done it, and my life was more stressful than it needed to be. The main reason was the men I was dating were so far from what I'm looking for, it got frustrating and draining going through the same motions all the time. And these weren't strangers off the street. These were men in school, decent jobs/careers.

I'm still pretty young, only 25 but I've got very little faith in the men of my generation right now.

It is not possible to do or have everything at once. My girlfriends (of all races) in school and/or working toward fulfilling careers aren't as focused on finding a SO though they admit they want one. My girlfriends in relationships or married are mostly in steady jobs.

This right here is what gets some black women.......

 

[rafikichick92]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I think, in addition to doing the right things, you have to do the right things to the right people (the right social circle). I am a firm believer in this because I'm lucky enough to be in a social circle where good guys with good jobs are getting married in their early 20s. They aren't the majority necessarily, but they make a strong showing.

To me this has a 2-fold advantage. First, it keeps you thinking positively about your prospects. I always remind myself, if my old roommate and all my college friends can do it, I can too because there's nothing special about them versus me. Second, I get to study their example and see what they did and plan accordingly.

ETA: As far as my social circle, I found it helped when I decided to make the main criteria values-based rather than race-based, although I've come to realize that I would prefer to marry a black guy. So far with a values-based social circle/dating criteria, I'm batting .500--dated one black guy and one white guy.

 

[Southernbella.]

This. Particularly the bolded. I love how the emphasis is on what women need to do get a man and nothing on what a man needs to do to get a woman. Particularly considering the reality that men 1) need women to have their children and 2) statistically do not do well alone.

Please expand on this...

Hmmm...speaking for myself, I'm not advocating that women necessarily make a bunch of changes or jump through hoops to "get a man". I think what most of us are talking about is stuff like being social, expanding your social circle, being approachable, nice, etc. which is stuff that would likely be enjoyable and beneficial for you anyway.

I think men do get messages about what to do to get women. Most of what men say, do, buy, wear, and drive is about getting women. The problem is that many of them are settling for sex and a girlfriend instead of getting married, but I think that's a social/cultural issue imo.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[ellebelle88]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

You may have luck online. If you're on facebook, I can give you a link to a black phd group I'm a member of. There are several black male phds and grad students on there...I can't speak to their quality, but they are at least on your level professionally.

I'm interested in the group...if only for networking purposes or keeping abreast of the conversations going on within academia. So I'm going to PM you for the link. However, I am not necessarily looking for someone in a PhD program. I would love for my options to be wider than that. Maybe if he was in the sciences, engineering, business. I want someone who does something "different" than what I do. I want a relationship where we can both learn from each other and grow together...maybe even have different perspectives?

I always just thought that I would meet someone in a completely spontaneous way like in the grocery store, at church, or at least in college ffs. All my friends ho have mates just "found" them somehow. I think it's apparent that that just isn't going to be my reality. No viable candidates have just fallen into my lap. Now that I have my daughter and am inside most of the time, the chances are even slimmer. I'm done thinking that I will just be out somewhere one day and the perfect man will just appear. For some reason, it just has not worked out for me like that. I am almost 25 and have not had even one serious relationship. I want to be married by 30. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I am determined.

I've yet to be in a serious relationship since leaving high school...and high school doesn't even count so I get you. It's pretty difficult

Oooh, this is tough. But I would go online too. Or do you have any networking or conferences that you can hit up?

That's the one thing about graduate school. I will be looking at the location first if I'm not engaged by that point. I need to be in a city with many different colleges and options of going out and socializing, but small enough that it won't be an NYC with too many options/needle in the haystack.

I think that is a very wise decision and in hindsight, I wish I would have done that but I didn't realize how "white" Indiana as a state was. Also, I'm a little apprehensive about online dating and even pursuing people online. I wouldn't mind meeting someone at a conference but see my first comment...I don't really wanna date someone who does the same thing I do (in terms of my Phd work) but hey, if I meet someone who I connect with then I'd go for it.

Yeah but she used it for evil, lol.

And Cameron was white. White women get away with being desperate/thirsty/slutty/airheaded and can still end up with a really good man...Case in point: Kim Kardashian. No black woman would be able to bounce back from a sex tape and be pregnant or wifed up by a millionaire or baller.

ETA: But Southernbella. I see your larger point about being attracted to someone and going for what you want...win, lose, or draw.

 

[yardyspice]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I just want to say that it's not fair for some women to be naysaying the whole finding a husband thing to these young ladies when they are either: divorced, not fit, depressed, etc. Not fair. As long as you don't have a tree in your face, you can find a man.

 

[yardyspice]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

ellebelle Why are you focusing on white women?

 

[ellebelle88]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

ellebelle Why are you focusing on white women?

yardyspice Because I think that for black women, the standards are different. Even though we live in a white society. And I'm not talking specifically about white women but anyone who benefits from white privilege. Meaning having lighter skin, being racially ambiguous, etc.

 

[Syrah]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

This. Particularly the bolded. I love how the emphasis is on what women need to do get a man and nothing on what a man needs to do to get a woman. Particularly considering the reality that men 1) need women to have their children and 2) statistically do not do well alone.

Please expand on this...

What's the point of a board full of women hypothesizing about what men need to do to get a woman? They aren't going to see it and they definitely aren't going to adopt ...

And who said men are having an issue? Are they having trouble getting laid, finding dates and meeting women willing to tolerate the sheningans they dole out? So would any changes we suggest be for their benefit or for ours...?

And I think that's the disconnect: in this thread, no one is suggesting that women change to suit men's needs. Instead, people are suggesting that if ______ (marriage, family, a man you can depend on) is what you want, here are things YOU might want to do to make that pursuit easier for YOU. There is a difference...

 

[ellebelle88]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I just want to say that it's not fair for some women to be naysaying the whole finding a husband thing to these young ladies when they are either: divorced, not fit, depressed, etc. Not fair. As long as you don't have a tree in your face, you can find a man.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with you there. I love you girl but this generation of men???
Makes it much harder these days.

 

[LoveisYou]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

I think women put forth a lot of effort (where is the idea that they don't come from?)

 

[rafikichick92]

Re: Why don't women put as much effort into finding a husband as they put into a care

@ellebelle Why are you focusing on white women?

Maybe I had too many white friends in college, but white women don't worry me. They face many of the same issues we face in the man department and have many of the same conversations/sentiments about finding a man we have here on LHCF. I say this from personal experience/conversations/friendships with white women.

Positive thinking is so important. I refuse to think "oh, she had it easy because she's white" because all that does is demoralize me over something I can't control when one, it's not true, and two, I don't have to think that negative thought.

Somewhat related, it was interesting and heartening to watch Millionaire Matchmaker today and see 2 or 3 episodes where the men (Black and nonBlack) picked Black women for their dates--that's 4-6 men picking Black women when they didn't have to!

If you're attractive/the right one, you're the right one regardless of race. If your race is an issue for him, you don't want that guy anyway. *all general yous*