Put a Ring on It

[Rastafarai]

Ladies, engaged and married:

Ya'll been throwing them words like "indicate", "show", "display" out there when it comes to a man's interest in marrying his lady.

Please please provide some examples of what he will/should do to let us women know that he has the same focus and is serious about marrying you. What hints should he be dropping in the 1st and 2nd year of courting?

I've previously heard the "you're the one", "I want to marry you" promises only for him to leave, cheat or just not back his words with actions! I often wait and give them the benefit of the doubt too.

 

[Ediese]

Damn! After all of that, there really isnt' anything left to say!! Thanks for posting. I wish more women thought like this. If it's one thing I hate, it's wasting MY time. I'm happy that I'm finally in a position where I refuse to let something drag on more than a year if we're not on the same page.

 

[JustKiya]

Ladies, engaged and married:

Ya'll been throwing them words like "indicate", "show", "display" out there when it comes to a man's interest in marrying his lady.

Please please provide some examples of what he will/should do to let us women know that he has the same focus and is serious about marrying you. What hints should he be dropping in the 1st and 2nd year of courting?

I've previously heard the "you're the one", "I want to marry you" promises only for him to leave, cheat or just not back his words with actions! I often wait and give them the benefit of the doubt too.

Making long term (as in more than the next 3 years) plans with you.
Telling you that he wants to be your husband.
Talking with you about the expectations he has of marriage.
Introducing you to his family.
Introducing you to his friends.
Asking what kind of rings you like.
Wanting to get to know your friends and family.

And of course, there's always the chance that a man might do all of this, and not want to marry you, or he might do none of this, and still want to marry you.

That's why I think the most important thing is two fold. A) He knows you want to get married. B) You both know how long you are willing to wait for a decision to be made - on both sides.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

^^^Exactly.

One thing some women fail to realize is athat sex isn't the only thing or even the main thing that makes or breaks a relationship. So many other factors play into a relationship. Some men and women can do without sex. They may want it from time to time, but do not need sex in order for a relationship to survive. In some cases, sex doesn't mean anything of significance to some people. They can have sex and at the same time be in total disregard of feelings and emotions. Sex doesn't keep a man. Sex doesn't mean the man loves you or even likes you.

I agree that having sex or no sex does not keeps a man, but I don't think that anyone...correct me if I'm wrong...is saying that not having sex solves all problems (referring to the post you quoted).

It does filter out the guys who just want to have a sex buddy/companion until they meet ms. right, but men are still men. You're still going to run into some jerks, and also some guys who just are not compatible in some way. When this happens it's time to move on.

There is certainly more criteria I use than not having sex when picking a guy. Our instincts come into play: there's that moment when he says or does something not quite right and we have to listen when that happens. But too often we ignore those things and then later in the relationship we're shocked, but really the clues were there all along.

 

[Poohbear]

I agree that having sex or no sex does not keeps a man, but I don't think that anyone...correct me if I'm wrong...is saying that not having sex solves all problems (referring to the post you quoted).

It does filter out the guys who just want to have a sex buddy/companion until they meet ms. right, but men are still men. You're still going to run into some jerks, and also some guys who just are not compatible in some way. When this happens it's time to move on.

There is certainly more criteria I use than not having sex when picking a guy. Our instincts come into play: there's that moment when he says or does something not quite right and we have to listen when that happens. But too often we ignore those things and then later in the relationship we're shocked, but really the clues were there all along.

So true at the bolded!

I briefly dated this guy 2 years ago (only lasted for 2 months though ), and for our first date, he came and picked me up and took me to a nice restaurant for dinner. We were chatting at the table. I forgot what we were talking about, it had something to do with our future wants, and after something I said, he said, "I'm sure you'll find the right man for you one day." That was the clue there that he wasn't trying to make me his wife. The moment he said this made me think and it let me know he wasn't thinking about himself being the right man for me. It actually made me feel a bit uncomfortable when he said that. I just didn't comment.

He did say things like "I want to move fast with you" and "You're beautiful" and "You are wife material and a good woman" and he talked about wanting his next relationship to be with the woman he plans on marrying, but in the end, these comments all meant nothing. This guy didn't even make me his girlfriend! Lol! So I'm glad whatever we had going lasted only 2 months instead of a long period of time. By the way, this guy was pretty well established...had his own place, own car, own business, no kids, no record, never been married, somewhat cute (not all that), and he was about 4 years older than me (I was 24 and he was 28 at the time)...but we just weren't the right ones for each other.

 

[omnipadme]

This thread is so helpful...

 

[JewelleNY]

...................

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Ladies, engaged and married:

Ya'll been throwing them words like "indicate", "show", "display" out there when it comes to a man's interest in marrying his lady.

Please please provide some examples of what he will/should do to let us women know that he has the same focus and is serious about marrying you. What hints should he be dropping in the 1st and 2nd year of courting?

(

I'm not engaged or married but I would like to answer your question.


Simply put he will propose and actually set a date and walk down the aisle.

I'm glad this stuff was posted, but this kind of thing is still promptly ignored by women.

I always tell my female friends, don't look for "hints" just look at his words and actions. If he isn't proposing or even talking about marriage without prompting from you, then he doesn't want to marry you.

 

[Bunny77]

Making long term (as in more than the next 3 years) plans with you.
Telling you that he wants to be your husband.
Talking with you about the expectations he has of marriage.
Introducing you to his family.
Introducing you to his friends.
Asking what kind of rings you like.
Wanting to get to know your friends and family.

And of course, there's always the chance that a man might do all of this, and not want to marry you, or he might do none of this, and still want to marry you.

That's why I think the most important thing is two fold. A) He knows you want to get married. B) You both know how long you are willing to wait for a decision to be made - on both sides.

What you said!

I think too that it will come naturally on his part to talk about marriage and the future if he wants to do that. Like I thought it was cute how my boyfriend said that he told his dad that he needed to at least be cordial to his mom (they've been divorced for years) because when the grandkids came, everyone would have to be in the same vicinity if they wanted to see their grandkids.

I was like, "Grandkids?"

Dudes don't talk in THAT much detail with a woman about that stuff if they aren't serious.

 

[Bunny77]

So true at the bolded!

I briefly dated this guy 2 years ago (only lasted for 2 months though ), and for our first date, he came and picked me up and took me to a nice restaurant for dinner. We were chatting at the table. I forgot what we were talking about, it had something to do with our future wants, and after something I said, he said, "I'm sure you'll find the right man for you one day." That was the clue there that he wasn't trying to make me his wife. The moment he said this made me think and it let me know he wasn't thinking about himself being the right man for me. It actually made me feel a bit uncomfortable when he said that. I just didn't comment.

He did say things like "I want to move fast with you" and "You're beautiful" and "You are wife material and a good woman" and he talked about wanting his next relationship to be with the woman he plans on marrying, but in the end, these comments all meant nothing. This guy didn't even make me his girlfriend! Lol! So I'm glad whatever we had going lasted only 2 months instead of a long period of time. By the way, this guy was pretty well established...had his own place, own car, own business, no kids, no record, never been married, somewhat cute (not all that), and he was about 4 years older than me (I was 24 and he was 28 at the time)...but we just weren't the right ones for each other.

Good story, and see, SO many women get tripped up by all that. They'll say, "But he told me I was wife material and that somebody would be lucky to snatch me up!!! So why did he up and leave me like that?"

Well see, you read WAY too much into cliched comments. He could have meant what he said, but notice that he didn't personalize his comments. "Wife material" means to ANYBODY and to say that "somebody would be lucky," well, uh, he's not really talking about himself, is he?

So don't let generic compliments throw you off and make you think he's marriage-minded. He could be, but not necessarily with YOU in mind. Or he could just be a BS talker who says that to every woman.

 

[ambergirl]

Hey MissJ and JustKiya

The reason I gave the is because I have seen this same info again and again and again and again and again...and every time I see it posted folks act like this perspective is brand new and truer words have never been spoken. I'm not disagreeing with what she said per se, but personally it all sounds pretty retro to me, but then that's me.

 

[MissJ]

It's new to me.

 

[ambergirl]

It's new to me.

Really? Because I feel like I see this in different forms on discussion forums around here all the time.

In any event, I only posted to sign on with JFemme and have no desire to derail the convo so I'm out.

 

[JustKiya]

Hey MissJ and JustKiya

The reason I gave the is because I have seen this same info again and again and again and again and again...and every time I see it posted folks act like this perspective is brand new and truer words have never been spoken. I'm not disagreeing with what she said per se, but personally it all sounds pretty retro to me, but then that's me.

I actually agree with you. But everytime it's presented, there are several women who admit it's new to them, and I'm sure even more who it is new to, and who ain't admitting it. I do feel you, though. It seems like it should be - obvious. But when you look around - you can see that it's not. *shrug*

 

[Kimbosheart]

Thanks ladies for all the advice. I've taken away some interesting thinking points that I plan on keeping in the forefront of my current situation.

 

[Makenzie]

Hey MissJ and JustKiya

The reason I gave the is because I have seen this same info again and again and again and again and again...and every time I see it posted folks act like this perspective is brand new and truer words have never been spoken. I'm not disagreeing with what she said per se, but personally it all sounds pretty retro to me, but then that's me.

I see what you're saying. But keep in mind people change all the time for whatever reason. Maybe they have an 'aha' moment, situations change etc.. So this info is good for those who may be struggling or starting to doubt themselves. Or a great reminder for women who are resolved not to make the same mistakes again.

I actually agree with you. But everytime it's presented, there are several women who admit it's new to them, and I'm sure even more who it is new to, and who ain't admitting it. I do feel you, though. It seems like it should be - obvious. But when you look around - you can see that it's not. *shrug*

@ the bolded - I love threads like this for that very reason. Hopefully someone will benefit. Because the way things are now.... It's one thing to make these choices, but learn from them and move on. Not keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Insanity!

 

[Spiffy]

There are lots of women out there who have never heard of this information or who need to see it again and again and again for it to sink in. Just check some of the threads here in the relationship forum.

I think this is an excellent discussion.

 

[softblackcotton]

There are lots of women out there who have never heard of this information or who need to see it again and again and again for it to sink in. Just check some of the threads here in the relationship forum.

I think this is an excellent discussion.

Yes, some of us need to hear it again and again and again and again because we have heads of steel.

 

[Lenee925]

Hey MissJ and JustKiya

The reason I gave the is because I have seen this same info again and again and again and again and again...and every time I see it posted folks act like this perspective is brand new and truer words have never been spoken. I'm not disagreeing with what she said per se, but personally it all sounds pretty retro to me, but then that's me.

I agree with what you were trying to say a couple posts earlier and I also am very glad MissJ posted the convos because they are real talk.

I really don't feel that a woman's value decreases with age (that's what freezing your eggs are for) and that a guy's gets better necessarily. I'm certainly not foaming at the mouth to marry a 40+ year old man with a receding hair line and on his way to having to pop viagra while I'm at my sexual peak.

I guess my point is that I was doing stuff in MissJ's post to get a guy to marry me but then I wasn't being honest with myself. I wanted him to want to marry me out of some means to validate me as a woman or something. If I was 'the chosen one' then somehow I had arrived; I was the lucky one to get a male to give me a ring. I finally woke up and realized that getting married isn't where my life goal should stop by any means. I now actually believe that I will marry when I want, who I want. If guys can think they all age like fine wine and marry some hot young thing at 45+ then why can't I have the same delusions?

I am really starting to think like a guy and it's incredibly liberating.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

^^^I agree with some of your points. For instance no ones worth should be tied into getting married. But if you want to get married I believe you should date marriageable men in every way, so that you can find the love of your life (the guy you would want to say yes to). That has nothing to do with worth, just that's what you want. Marrying just to say "I's married now" is ridiculous. Also, I definitely don't think men age like fine wine. Studies show that most autistic children are the result of older men so it's not like their sperm has aged like fine wine. In addition to the freeze your egg thing...I'm already thinking about that in case I don't find the right guy until later. Because I do want to find the right but I will not just say yes to anyone. So does that mean I'll wait, yes. Does it mean I want to, not really unless I have to.

However thinking like a guy in every way is not something I aspire to. The woman's movement has been wonderful in some ways and lacking in others. Some feminists are now expressing the need to come into power as women because the original intent, it was implied that to show that you are an empowered woman you can be just like a man! I and they now believe that's not liberating, that's measuring ourselves by men. Every theory needs to be adjusted and updated. Modern times call for updated feminist thoughts. Old thinking: Like we can wear the pants too! Like we can date like a man! So that really is still idolizing men because it makes us aspire to be like them. I don't want to be a man. Women have their own power and their own unique needs.

I want to be me, with my independent thoughts which are sometimes old fashioned and sometimes modern. But saying having kids at 45 because a man is doing it, no way! Who cares what he does. Having kids at 45 because I haven't found the right guy, sure. It's not about empowering myself to act like a man. It's about empowering myself to be motivated by my desires. I think some of that male mindset stuff is idiotic. It's like these men have ran through a million vaginas, don't want to be the old guy at the club, so now you want to settle down and make sure that they live on through their children. So now they're trying to run out and find an instant family. I never think of guys with that mindset as evolved, because they're not trying to connect in a deeper way with a woman, which is why the women are so replaceable to them (Donald Trump anyone?). I don't want to be like those guys no way! And that's not every guy. There are some that want to connect on a deeper level but not all.

.When I worked for a matchmaker, there were tons of guys that I interviewed that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I learned a lot about men working there. But anyways some of them were so self involved and I'd never want to think like them. I remember a guy saying he had a car, a house, he even knew where the future imagined kids were going to go to school, he just needed a wife. Kinda like add water and mix. Then he proceeded to tear through every woman after the dates like...her eyes were blue green, and I wanted blue. "I thought they were blue at first, but they change colors, and I want ice blue" Or I didn't like how she looks like she's in her late 30's (he was in his late 40's) Like he was ordering a car! I was so insulted because imo he wasn't taking into account what his future wife wanted or that she was human: does she like the house, where would she want to raise the kids...shouldn't schools be discussed? Women were just objects to most of these older successful men. Then of course there were the good guys too who just worked too hard and realized they were missing out on something, but I was able to see different mindsets that just weren't so healthy. Even those guys disregarded connecting with a woman and they woke up one day and realized their mortality and started thinking about settling down.

No matter what men and women do the same things, just at different times. Men realize in their late forties that they may have spent half their life and they don't have anything real. And then they crave that. That's in big cities, in smaller towns where most marry earlier, these successful types still hold off until their mid to late thirties. It's like they were told to run and run because women just want to get married all their life. Then they realize (later in their life) that that really isn't so bad. So what they have to commit? We're really all the same in that respect, we just come to it differently. But as for doing what they do, not really. I know that they're just running what I call a program. It's what's been programmed into their heads. Why do you think men in the fifties were settling down? It's because they were programmed that to have a family is what makes you a man. But now on tv it's all about oh no! Don't be trapped by those women lol! That's why I tear through that b.s with guys and demand that they connect with me on a deeper level. The ones that can't? Bye. I'm not just a check list, and I don't want to act like most guys and have them be a check off my list either. I want to bring myself and all my thoughts and ideas as a fully formed person to a relationship and be respected and loved for who I am and I want to do the same thing back. I can do that by being myself and not comparing how I react to that of a man.

I think for me it's about deprogramming your mind, asking what you really want, and then going for it be damned to what others think about how it should go about it. That's what I feel is truly empowering without reflecting on how to do it like a man! Like their way is the way to prove that you're a modern woman. Really? But then we're idolizing men. I know there was a faster way to say this but I just don't know how to get out what I'm thinking. I hope you can understand where I'm going with this.

 

[aribell]

^^^I like your thinking luckiestdestiny, and your sn.

On the point of whether these insights are common knowledge, I think there are certain aspects that are not which are overlooked...or just kind of ignored. I went back to read the AskMen thread and was surprised at how old fashioned many views were. Women seem to have become so enamored with thinking like a man, playing the game like a man, that we don't easily hear the men saying that they don't buy women acting that way.

They will accept that a woman can do what she chooses with her body and time--she is an adult after all. But some of the posts in that thread were clear indications that some (many? most?) felt that if a woman wants to "play like a man," then she is fair game to get played. That if she is casual with her time, affections, body--then she can't be mad when they treat her casually, meaning without clear or formal intentions.

They simply will not accept guilt or responsibility for leading a woman on, no matter how many names they are called. The presumption is that it's your life. You are the gatekeeper, and whoever you let in, on whatever terms, was your free choice.

 

[Lenee925]

Luckiestdestiny: I totally understand what you are saying. I don't aspire to think completely like a man in all aspects of my life at all; only in regards to not rushing to be married. I don't think women need to change their thinking to that of a male's; but there are great lessons to be learned from both sexes.

 

[kmn1980]

I totally agree also. I'm married now but my bullsh*t filter was no sex before marriage. That kept me from wasting a bunch of time- one of the few things you can't get back.

 

[newbiemom]

I wish I could hug him. It is so sad that someone has to be this blunt for some to get the picture.

 

[Poohbear]

Good story, and see, SO many women get tripped up by all that. They'll say, "But he told me I was wife material and that somebody would be lucky to snatch me up!!! So why did he up and leave me like that?"

Well see, you read WAY too much into cliched comments. He could have meant what he said, but notice that he didn't personalize his comments. "Wife material" means to ANYBODY and to say that "somebody would be lucky," well, uh, he's not really talking about himself, is he?

So don't let generic compliments throw you off and make you think he's marriage-minded. He could be, but not necessarily with YOU in mind. Or he could just be a BS talker who says that to every woman.

I agree. But the bolded part above were the points I was making with my story. I had already realized all this back then. I didn't read way too much into his comments. I could see right through them, hence the reason why we only dated for a short 2 months back in 2008. This guy is no longer in my life.

 

[Bunny77]

I agree. But the bolded part above were the points I was making with my story. I had already realized all this back then. I didn't read way too much into his comments. I could see right through them, hence the reason why we only dated for a short 2 months back in 2008. This guy is no longer in my life.

Hey Poohbear! I used your example, but I wasn't directly talking about you. I was using "you" as a general term... like thinking of when I hear women say, "He said I was this, that and the third!"

Then I say, "Well, just because he said that, it doesn't mean he wants to be with YOU!" I'm specifically thinking of a common theme on this board when women will complain that a man will tell them that they're a "rare gem" and that any man would want them, but then that man goes off and chases someone else. So these women are confused and say, "Well, why does he say all this and I'm right here, but then, he doesn't want me?"

Did he ever say he wanted YOU in particular? Pay attention!!!

But I know that you (Poohbear) have LONG moved on from that man and are now with someone who definitely is looking at a future with you. I appreciated your story and knew you were speaking of the past... I was just using that story to piggyback!

 

[Theo]

I like this thread. Its fun to read.

 

[MissJ]

One of the things in the original posts I did not know is that men date primarily for sex. I guess I never really thought about it, but as I've been on that board for over a year now, I see that most times it is true. This is a recent male post about his "dry spell" and why he could understand why a man would go to a hooker.

some guys just don't have the time for games, so they go to a hooker. others are probably very lonely and lack any social skills. I know when I was in a bit of a dry spell post undergrad, pursuing at times just got tiring. All those dumb games, acting interested just so you could get a #. Once you get the #, that's not even 1/2 the battle. Then call, set up a date, then find out if she's worth it. If so, go on a few more, then get laid. Takes time unless you get lucky with a one night stand. That's why hookers are appealing to some men.

No wonder guys who like us are so nice to us in the beginning. They are acting like they are interested, because unless they knew us before, they don't know anything about us other than how we look, which is what they like.

 

[Murjani]

Just had to give this thread a bump...

 

[MD_Lady]

I tend to whenever people talk about the "time" women have/don't have (I don't like the idea of people being scared into making life-altering decisions before they're ready), but other than that, I think there is a whoooooooooooooooole lot of truth to those posts. Bottom line: If you want someone to value you, your time, and your emotions, you have to do that FOR YOURSELF.