What would you do? He wants to wait on marriage...

[BroadstreetBully]

So my cousin called me up the other day with a dilemma. I'm not sure if I'm giving her the right advice, so I need some input from those who might have dealt with this.

Her current SO is attending a military academy. He's 19 and she's 21. It's been hard on her having a long distance relationship, especially since he doesn't have as much freedom to talk to her or see her while he's in the academy.

They've only been together for about 5 months, but he's told her that once they finish school, and he gets stationed, he wants her to move with him and live as a family. We interpreted this as him saying they will be married once he's out of school.

WELL, she went out to see him and he told her that he isn't thinking about marriage until he's OUT of the military. He plans on serving 6-8 years, but who knows! He still wants her to move out there with him, but he says the marriage failure rate in military families is too high, and he doesn't want to risk that.

I basically told her that when the time does come, NEVER go living with a man and playing "wifey" without being married to him.

But do you think his concerns are legitimate, Or is he making excuses? Is it a smart decision to wait until AFTER serving military time for marriage and family? It sounds like a crock of bull to me...but he IS 19

 

[january noir]

This young man is not ready for marriage, nor is your cousin. Tell her to write junior a couple of letters and get on with her life (school, career, travel, dating others, etc.). That is all.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

he might be serious as a heart attack, but his logic is faulty as all hell... your cuz needs to stay put until he shows her that he wants to commit... military marriages only fail when the people in the marriage let it happen...

 

[stinastina]

It doesn't sound reasonable that he wants her to wait 6-8 years to get married.

 

[comike]

So my cousin called me up the other day with a dilemma. I'm not sure if I'm giving her the right advice, so I need some input from those who might have dealt with this.

Her current SO is attending a military academy. He's 19 and she's 21. It's been hard on her having a long distance relationship, especially since he doesn't have as much freedom to talk to her or see her while he's in the academy.

They've only been together for about 5 months, but he's told her that once they finish school, and he gets stationed, he wants her to move with him and live as a family. We interpreted this as him saying they will be married once he's out of school.

WELL, she went out to see him and he told her that he isn't thinking about marriage until he's OUT of the military. He plans on serving 6-8 years, but who knows! He still wants her to move out there with him, but he says the marriage failure rate in military families is too high, and he doesn't want to risk that.

I basically told her that when the time does come, NEVER go living with a man and playing "wifey" without being married to him.

But do you think his concerns are legitimate, Or is he making excuses? Is it a smart decision to wait until AFTER serving military time for marriage and family? It sounds like a crock of bull to me...but he IS 19

I wouldn't over analyze his response. Tell your cuz to concentrate on her life goals and not overly concern herself with marriage to man who is apparently concentrating on his goals. Enjoy the relationship for what is it and get to know the man.....they've only been dating for a short period of time. After dating him a little while longer, she may realize that he is not the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Thanks for the responses! I've basically told her to focus on herself. She needs to finish school and enjoy her 20's, but she is SO into this guy. She's the type who rarely stays single! She's convinced that they are so in love and he is going to be her husband one day. Perhaps they do have a future together, but deep inside I'm afraid that if it doesn't work she's going to fall into a deep depression and hurt herself. She's THAT into him.

Because of his views on them getting married, I'm afraid that with him being so young, he's having second thoughts. He isn't even in his 20's yet, and naturally he isn't thinking about marriage, but SHE IS! I told her that it's dangerous to be so into a guy at this age, but she says "easier said than done". The old me would make excuses for the guy, but the new me is tired of seeing my friends get hurt and I feel like I need to be brutally honest at times.

Do you guys think that this is a possible sign that he's thinking he might need to experience what else is out there before he commits?

 

[comike]

Thanks for the responses! I've basically told her to focus on herself. She needs to finish school and enjoy her 20's, but she is SO into this guy. She's the type who rarely stays single! She's convinced that they are so in love and he is going to be her husband one day. Perhaps they do have a future together, but deep inside I'm afraid that if it doesn't work she's going to fall into a deep depression and hurt herself. She's THAT into him.

Because of his views on them getting married, I'm afraid that with him being so young, he's having second thoughts. He isn't even in his 20's yet, and naturally he isn't thinking about marriage, but SHE IS! I told her that it's dangerous to be so into a guy at this age, but she says "easier said than done". The old me would make excuses for the guy, but the new me is tired of seeing my friends get hurt and I feel like I need to be brutally honest at times.

Do you guys think that this is a possible sign that he's thinking he might need to experience what else is out there before he commits?

It's possible that he might be thinking "I need to get to know this woman a little better before I declare her to be the one". All men don't believe they have to have a bunch of women before they decide to make a commitment. Like you said, they've only been dating 5 months, most of which has been long distance, right?

 

[BroadstreetBully]

It's possible that he might be thinking "I need to get to know this woman a little better before I declare her to be the one". All men don't believe they have to have a bunch of women before they decide to make a commitment. Like you said, they've only been dating 5 months, most of which has been long distance, right?

That seems VERY logical, but he's telling her that she's the one and he wants her to move out there with him once he is stationed. Now her hopes have gotten up, only for him to basically say "We're gonna live like we're husband and wife, but I won't marry you until I'm out of the military." Why oh why do young folks get into this ish? I can't blame him though, she needs to love herself enough to stop holding on to these men like they are her life support. It upsets me because I love her, and she's family, but she thinks I'm being negative when I tell her that she needs to slow down and stop worrying so much about men this YOUNG! A man will say ANYTHING as long as you're giving up the goods!

 

[Laginappe]

That seems VERY logical, but he's telling her that she's the one and he wants her to move out there with him once he is stationed. Now her hopes have gotten up, only for him to basically say "We're gonna live like we're husband and wife, but I won't marry you until I'm out of the military." Why oh why do young folks get into this ish? I can't blame him though, she needs to love herself enough to stop holding on to these men like they are her life support. It upsets me because I love her, and she's family, but she thinks I'm being negative when I tell her that she needs to slow down and stop worrying so much about men this YOUNG! A man will say ANYTHING as long as you're giving up the goods!

A man?? Who and what??

I cannot commend him enough for his service but let's bottomline it. He is 19.

NINETEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's old enough to do a lot, but any woman who believes he's old enough to make claims on her life is being foolish.

But then too - we have to consider her age and "experience"

In this day and age 21 is just about 10mins older than 19. So all of this agnst and drama are totally understandable.

Tell her what you believe from your heart. If you think she's making bad decisions TELL HER. If she walks that path regardless... then so be it.

 

[Farida]

This is what my FH says:

I served 4 years in the Marine Corps, including one 7-month deployment to Iraq. I have seen my fair share of military relationships fail, and I've also seen my fair share of Marines avoid commitment.

1. He is not ready for a relationship. In my opinion he wants to keep your cousin on that back-burner so that he doesn't have to commit, but still string her along just in case nothing "better" comes around.

2. Correlation is not causality. There is a correlation between the military and failed relationships, (especially infantry and the drill field) but don't be too quick to blame the military. Is that hard to believe that the failed relationships are due to the type of people the military attracts, especially the fact that they are usually so young? I would venture to guess that the same failure rates would apply to the general public if you sample 18-21 year olds. The logic to wait until he's out of the military is flawed. The United States has equally dismal divorce rates. If he uses the same logic, does he intend to wait until he gets out of the United States before he gets married? Marriages that I saw fail, did so because they were laid on faulty foundations: like the urge to stay together when he joins and gets moved to another part of the states (to get to live and travel with him). I have seen strong relationships flourish through very difficult times, like a deployment to Iraq, because their foundations were strong. The fact he thinks the relationships will fail in the military means it will.

Tell your cousin to cut her losses. She can look him up a few years later and see if their goals are more compatible at that time. This is basically what he is asking for: for her to tag along long enough and then later on see if they can make it work.

 

[Princessxox]

being young myself, thinks she should not worry about trying to marry a man that she has not been in a relationship long with...let him do his time in the miltary and if there relationship last then they should think about marriage...but on the moving out thing, they always say you never know a person until you live with them. She is young, as long as she is not leaving anything behind...try living with him, on a trial period and see how it works out.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

This is what my FH says:

I served 4 years in the Marine Corps, including one 7-month deployment to Iraq. I have seen my fair share of military relationships fail, and I've also seen my fair share of Marines avoid commitment.

1. He is not ready for a relationship. In my opinion he wants to keep your cousin on that back-burner so that he doesn't have to commit, but still string her along just in case nothing "better" comes around.

2. Correlation is not causality. There is a correlation between the military and failed relationships, (especially infantry and the drill field) but don't be too quick to blame the military. Is that hard to believe that the failed relationships are due to the type of people the military attracts, especially the fact that they are usually so young? I would venture to guess that the same failure rates would apply to the general public if you sample 18-21 year olds. The logic to wait until he's out of the military is flawed. The United States has equally dismal divorce rates. If he uses the same logic, does he intend to wait until he gets out of the United States before he gets married? Marriages that I saw fail, did so because they were laid on faulty foundations: like the urge to stay together when he joins and gets moved to another part of the states (to get to live and travel with him). I have seen strong relationships flourish through very difficult times, like a deployment to Iraq, because their foundations were strong. The fact he thinks the relationships will fail in the military means it will.

Tell your cousin to cut her losses. She can look him up a few years later and see if their goals are more compatible at that time. This is basically what he is asking for: for her to tag along long enough and then later on see if they can make it work.

Thank you! Yes! This makes so much sense. If the military is hard on marriages, wouldn't it be just as hard on committed relationships? So I don't understand his logic.

I agree with the bolded as well. I'm starting to think the issue is that she's more committed to this than he is. They both were saying that they loved each other after about 1.5 months of dating. I think she's moving too fast though. The distance has been really hard on her, and I'm afraid that all the worrying is going to affect her school work. She needs to step back and let the relationship flow at a healthy pace.

THANK YOU!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

being young myself, thinks she should not worry about trying to marry a man that she has not been in a relationship long with...let him do his time in the miltary and if there relationship last then they should think about marriage...but on the moving out thing, they always say you never know a person until you live with them. She is young, as long as she is not leaving anything behind...try living with him, on a trial period and see how it works out.

I agree! I don't see why they are talking marriage right now when neither of them are even in the position to even THINK about marriage. So I'm just going to give her some advice, tell her to slow things down and concentrate on her SCHOOLWORK first and foremost. And just see where things go from here. But like he said, he's not THINKING about marriage. So neither should she.