MARRIAGE need your opinions

[BostonMaria]

I didn't talk about marriage to DH. He brought it up first at the beginning and then gave hints he wanted to ask me. 3 months into our relationship he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Maybe I'm who you're talking about OP. I'm certainly no unicorn LOL and I think that realistically most people talk about marriage, even if its just day dreaming about it.

On the flip side if you're with a man for over 12 months and the word marriage makes him throw up or break out in hives then run!

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[summerof1990]

You know that's not what I was calling strange. And I feel sorry for you if you think that's "open communication." Even if you get married, it probably won't last long if you can't or won't express your needs and desires for the relationship.

I didn't say I wasnt going to do that.

You think it's unicornish of a man to just ask for marriage because he's happy and so is she.

And then having an engagement and plan on building a life together while engaged is soooooo unheard of.

The people I know aren't divorced and did it this way :shrug:

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Girl, I was talking to Ogoma. Not you. You are not a unicorn.

 

[summerof1990]

I know couples who got engaged within a few weeks and still strong.

 

[summerof1990]

Girl, I was talking to Ogoma. Not you. You are not a unicorn.

Well Girl,
You aren't either

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Ok, no more attention for you.

 

[Maguerite]

What a funny thread. What stood out was the often patronizing or condescending comments directed at OP for her stance.
Wonder why advice or opinions cannot be given without smugness and need to pat oneself on the back for getting it 'right'.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Op, my husband and I never discussed marriage when we were dating. I loved him and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life but I was never interested in getting married. We dated for two years and his proposal (with a ring, I know how some of y'all are) was a complete surprise.

This worked for me because I wasn't looking to get married. I think women looking for a husband would probably take a different approach and try to insure that the man was interested in being married one day.

 

[Oneprettypa]

I wonder how OP will feel about this topic in 5 years after a few more life experiences...

At 22 I had it all, bought a brand new house, brand new vehicle, established profession and finishing my Masters Degree.. All that was missing was a husband even though I had been in a committed relationship for years. I definitely didn't feel young, but now at 27, I know better.

Honey-- it is naive to think that NOT discussing marriage at that stage was/is an option in a serious relationship. 5 years later I don't think it's naive... I think not discussing it is just dumb (not saying you are dumb).

To each her own, some choose fairy tales and some choose reality. Maybe it will work out the way you want it to. I think your views will change as you mature.

 

[Oneprettypa]

if he doesn't ask then i will feel im not worth is so i'll just move on it if never happens i'll just assume im not either pretty enough for a man to be interested for a life long commit or my personality is not good enough

This also sounds like low self-esteem... He may not be ready for the commitment etc or may not feel like you are the one for him which may not have anything to do with you not being pretty enough, or worth it or etc.

I know you'll say you don't have low self esteem but YOUR post explains why it needs to be discussed-- so you know exactly where his head is. Your proposal can still be a surprise after you make your intentions and desires known.

 

[tinkat]

I am not a fan of think like a man, act like a lady but that book had good points and this topic was in it. It said to not use 20th century logic with 21 century situations and I completely understand. Give him requirements and standards. That is all it takes. I don't think you even have to say much. I told SO I am not dating for the sake of it and I will move on if I feel like its not going no where. That's all I had to say and now he brings up marriage and ask me probing questions on when I want to be married, how long the engagement, etc., etc.

 

[Storyteller]

This is how women end up in 10 year relationships with 8 year engagements. If you're looking for marriage you need to have at least 1 clear conversation about everyone`s intentions and then you can play the waiting game.

**I didn't read through the entire thread so forgive me if this was previously stated.**

 

[summerof1990]

I didn't talk about marriage to DH. He brought it up first at the beginning and then gave hints he wanted to ask me. 3 months into our relationship he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Maybe I'm who you're talking about OP. I'm certainly no unicorn LOL and I think that realistically most people talk about marriage, even if its just day dreaming about it.

On the flip side if you're with a man for over 12 months and the word marriage makes him throw up or break out in hives then run!

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No YOU are the UNICORN in HERE
lmao
i didn't know most people discussed marriage u just knew u were right for each other so there was no need. and you plan out things during an engagement

 

[summerof1990]

This is how women end up in 10 year relationships with 8 year engagements. If you're looking for marriage you need to have at least 1 clear conversation about everyone`s intentions and then you can play the waiting game.

**I didn't read through the entire thread so forgive me if this was previously stated.**

Not really, i know women who got a ring in less than a year it's proof in the thread. Sitting around waiting years is the fool lol

 

[summerof1990]

I am not a fan of think like a man, act like a lady but that book had good points and this topic was in it. It said to not use 20th century logic with 21 century situations and I completely understand. Give him requirements and standards. That is all it takes. I don't think you even have to say much. I told SO I am not dating for the sake of it and I will move on if I feel like its not going no where. That's all I had to say and now he brings up marriage and ask me probing questions on when I want to be married, how long the engagement, etc., etc.

It's not a century thing for me. I usually don't take initiative in ANYTHING i feel ppl who want to do it will do it. <3

 

[summerof1990]

I wonder how OP will feel about this topic in 5 years after a few more life experiences...

At 22 I had it all, bought a brand new house, brand new vehicle, established profession and finishing my Masters Degree.. All that was missing was a husband even though I had been in a committed relationship for years. I definitely didn't feel young, but now at 27, I know better.

Honey-- it is naive to think that NOT discussing marriage at that stage was/is an option in a serious relationship. 5 years later I don't think it's naive... I think not discussing it is just dumb (not saying you are dumb).

To each her own, some choose fairy tales and some choose reality. Maybe it will work out the way you want it to. I think your views will change as you mature.

the same.
never was the person to take initiative on anything
working out good so far

 

[summerof1990]

Op, my husband and I never discussed marriage when we were dating. I loved him and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life but I was never interested in getting married. We dated for two years and his proposal (with a ring, I know how some of y'all are) was a complete surprise.

This worked for me because I wasn't looking to get married. I think women looking for a husband would probably take a different approach and try to insure that the man was interested in being married one day.

they will thrash you for this in here.
u are naive
ur marriage will not last
a man giving a woman a ring without her planning a marriage is unheard of and u are crazy woman. u will never get a man to cherish u
lol

 

[summerof1990]

This also sounds like low self-esteem... He may not be ready for the commitment etc or may not feel like you are the one for him which may not have anything to do with you not being pretty enough, or worth it or etc.

I know you'll say you don't have low self esteem but YOUR post explains why it needs to be discussed-- so you know exactly where his head is. Your proposal can still be a surprise after you make your intentions and desires known.

i understand
but if im not the one i would rather for him to just leave
no i dont take any initiatives its not my things if someone REALLY wants you it will happen

and men like pretty women i dont see how that makes it low self esteemish.

 

[tinkat]

It's not a century thing for me. I usually don't take initiative in ANYTHING i feel ppl who want to do it will do it. <3

When it comes to me I do take initiative, stand my ground, and state what I want. A man can't do nothing but respect it and if he can't handle it then he is not for me.

 

[tinkat]

i understand
but if im not the one i would rather for him to just leave
no i dont take any initiatives its not my things if someone REALLY wants you it will happen

and men like pretty women i dont see how that makes it low self esteemish.

It comes off that way bc you keep mentioning That you don't take initiative.It's like you let others take the wheel to your own ride. I have allowed that to happen and then I realized to never let anybody, especially a man, have so much control over my self worth.

 

[summerof1990]

It comes off that way bc you keep mentioning That you don't take initiative.It's like you let others take the wheel to your own ride. I have allowed that to happen and then I realized to never let anybody, especially a man, have so much control over my self worth.

no i watch how people treat me and then its up to me to accept them (if they're right) or walk away (if i dont believe i deserve it)

People who want to do things for you,be in your life,etc ..will. (basically)

 

[gabulldawg]

no i watch how people treat me and then its up to me to accept them (if they're right) or walk away (if i dont believe i deserve it)

People who want to do things for you,be in your life,etc ..will. (basically)

So what if the guy you were dating had the same idea? You never mentioned anything about wanting to be married, so he assumed you didn't want to get married, so he never proposed.

 

[summerof1990]

So what if the guy you were dating had the same idea? You never mentioned anything about wanting to be married, so he assumed you didn't want to get married, so he never proposed.

i like ballsy take charge men but if that was ever the scenario
i'd move on.

 

[BostonMaria]

No YOU are the UNICORN in HERE
lmao
i didn't know most people discussed marriage u just knew u were right for each other so there was no need. and you plan out things during an engagement

Are you sure? Because yesterday I drank moscato at the LHCF Boston meet up LMAO
That's a no no around here

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