Marriage Proposal (Sort of)- Would You Accept?

Everyone's situation is unique so I cannot say whether or not his intentions are sincere. I would suggest that you tell him that you distanced yourself from him because you did not like the way that he treated you and you deserve better. Don't let him blame you for anything. Also tell him that you will not feel comfortable marrying him until he shows you that he has changed and that he will treat you with respect from now on. Tell him that even though you want to be married, marriage is not a decision that you take lightly because you want to be happy with the person you are married too. Tell him you can only be happy with a person who treats you well. Stick by your word and set your boundaries. Make him earn you. You should also tell him that you understand his situation and marrying him before he gets himself together is not an issue but you won't wait two years. This is so he doesn't try to string you along with excuses. You need to play the game to win.
 
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w332 said:
Okay, so yesterday I told him I want to remain friends only. He told me to give it more thought- at least until the end of the week. Since he's pushing, I said fine, I'll call you on Friday if I change my mind.

So, he just submitted a written proposal to me outlining his plan for our future with exact dates of when he'll have a better job, and when we'll have the wedding ceremony, even scheduled our visits.

So, he's making this harder.

He even ended by saying we should give it another try because I married the wrong person before, and he broke off his engagement to the wrong person.
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uhhh...chiiillle
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FlyyBohemian said:
Everyone's situation is unique so I cannot say whether or not his intentions are sincere. I would suggest that you tell him that you distanced yourself from him because you did not like the way that he treated you and you deserve better. Don't let him blame you for anything. Also tell him that you will not feel comfortable marrying him until he shows you that he has changed and that he will treat you with respect from now on. Tell him that even though you want to be married, marriage is not a decision that you take lightly because you want to be happy with the person you are married too. Tell him you can only be happy with a person who treats you well. Stick by your word and set your boundaries. Make him earn you. You should also tell him that you understand his situation and marrying him before he gets himself together is not an issue but you won't wait two years. This is so he doesn't try to string you along with excuses. You need to play the game to win.
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Good advice! Thank you. If I do go back, I would like to take this approach.
 
FlyyBohemian said:
Stick by your word and set your boundaries. Make him earn you. You should also tell him that you understand his situation and marrying him before he gets himself together is not an issue but you won't wait two years. This is so he doesn't try to string you along with excuses. You need to play the game to win.
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If a real man loves you, there is no game to play.
 
FlyyBohemian said:
You should also tell him that you understand his situation and marrying him before he gets himself together is not an issue but you won't wait two years. This is so he doesn't try to string you along with excuses. You need to play the game to win.
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He proposed June 2014 for marriage- he even told me how much he has saved to buy a house.
 
w332 said:
He proposed June 2014 for marriage- he even told me how much he has saved to buy a house.
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I thought his situation wasnt that great? How can he have saved anything significant if he's just getting on his feet?

He sounding more and more 'off' as you continue to post OP
 
DarkJoy said:
I thought his situation wasnt that great? How can he have saved anything significant if he's just getting on his feet?

He sounding more and more 'off' as you continue to post OP
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He has been saving since grad school and he's frugal. His current job pays well, but he's on a contract that may end. He has to try to get a permanent offer soon. The job is in the middle of nowhere, but it's a start in his field...he's stressed about having a secure job. So it's not all peachy.
 
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....so, in contradiction to everything else previously posted now, his job pays well, he does great financially and yet he STILL wants you to wait for a better sitch?

OK :look:
 
w332 said:
He's one year older than I am. He's a foreigner. He worked REALLY hard to get this job in his field in the U.S- but it's in a far away city. If I say yes, he'll work hard to move up and work to make sure we move in together in 2 years- he'll try to transfer to a city where we can both work. Also, we would have a church wedding later because that's what he really wants. He's trying to figure out a way to make a relationship work under these circumstances.
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RED ALERT.....RED ALERT

He wants a civil marriage and you not live together for two years? This is a scam. Civil ceremony and two years is all it takes to change his immigration status. Most foreign men will live with their wives.. Please be wary of immigrant men.. Have you met his parents? Family?

I dont think this good.. Those men who needs a status change will say and do what it takes to make it happen. I have seen it too many times.


...... If you have addressed it before disregard.. Now back to reading the thread..
 
OP go ahead and marry him. It's what you want to do and nothing anyone says here is going to convince you otherwise. I hope it works out for the best for you. I sense more desperation than love, but we all have to walk our own paths and learn lessons along the way. Good luck.
 
OP at this point, you're not going to gain much from the thread. The tide has turned completely not in your man's favor, and every post here on out is going to get more and more histrionic, with rising levels of alarm and paranoia. People are going to point out signs that are not there.

Its not because I don't think what people are saying is correct, I think the advice you have gotten up to this point is GOOD and I think you have enough information to make your decision, you're the only one who knows the full story. If you keep up with it, you'll never be able to ask advice from this forum again without someone bringing up the foreigner/marrying for papers/psycho dude... that's just how this place works! People will also begin to treat you rudely and act very dismissive and come up with reasons as to why this entire situation (as well as any misfortune you may encounter in the future) is all your fault.

HTH
 
prettynatural said:
RED ALERT.....RED ALERT

He wants a civil marriage and you not live together for two years? This is a scam. Civil ceremony and two years is all it takes to change his immigration status. Most foreign men will live with their wives.. Please be wary of immigrant men.. Have you met his parents? Family?

I dont think this good.. Those men who needs a status change will say and do what it takes to make it happen. I have seen it too many times.

...... If you have addressed it before disregard.. Now back to reading the thread..
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This bothers me. I know he has brothers who are married to American women- his parents are Caribbean.
 
SincerelyJane said:
OP at this point, you're not going to gain much from the thread. The tide has turned completely not in your man's favor, and every post here on out is going to get more and more histrionic, with rising levels of alarm and paranoia. People are going to point out signs that are not there.

Its not because I don't think what people are saying is correct, I think the advice you have gotten up to this point is GOOD and I think you have enough information to make your decision, you're the only one who knows the full story. If you keep up with it, you'll never be able to ask advice from this forum again without someone bringing up the foreigner/marrying for papers/psycho dude... that's just how this place works! People will also begin to treat you rudely and act very dismissive and come up with reasons as to why this entire situation (as well as any misfortune you may encounter in the future) is all your fault.

HTH
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Thank you.
 
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*slams door on way out and slips and almost falls on my eyeballs that rolled out of of my head*

Sent from my iPad using LHCF
 
SincerelyJane said:
OP at this point, you're not going to gain much from the thread. The tide has turned completely not in your man's favor, and every post here on out is going to get more and more histrionic, with rising levels of alarm and paranoia. People are going to point out signs that are not there.

Its not because I don't think what people are saying is correct, I think the advice you have gotten up to this point is GOOD and I think you have enough information to make your decision, you're the only one who knows the full story. If you keep up with it, you'll never be able to ask advice from this forum again without someone bringing up the foreigner/marrying for papers/psycho dude... that's just how this place works! People will also begin to treat you rudely and act very dismissive and come up with reasons as to why this entire situation (as well as any misfortune you may encounter in the future) is all your fault.

HTH
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Are you at all familiar with the previous threads about this same man?
 
HanaKuroi said:
Are you at all familiar with the previous threads about this same man?
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I don't even know, I don't follow people very closely. In regards to my previous post, I'm just being honest, it happens on the forum all the time. It gets to a point where people just start dragging the OP through the mud and I don't see how that's helpful or productive for anybody.
 
BackToMyRoots said:
OP go ahead and marry him. It's what you want to do and nothing anyone says here is going to convince you otherwise. I hope it works out for the best for you. I sense more desperation than love, but we all have to walk our own paths and learn lessons along the way. Good luck.
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Yup. Pretty much. :nono:
 
Look, I think the all the advice you've been given is good, if not great, advice.

In summary, DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

That being said, when DH proposed to me, there was no waffling, no hemming and hawing, and asking strangers on forum if I should marry him.

I knew in my heart he was the man God meant for me and before I even saw the ring, I cried, "YES!"

Marrying DH was one of the best decision I have ever made. He's my best friend, an incredible father and encourages me and supports me to be the best the person I can be.

Why?

Because I trust him. If you don't have trust, you can't have intimacy. And if you don't trust this man, why in the world are you even entertaining the idea of marrying him???

Marriage, OP, is NO JOKE. It is not for the faint of heart. I love my man and this is the hardest work I have ever done. Why? Because a REAL marriage requires daily attention and devotion to patience, presence, compromise and communication all built on a foundation of TRUST.

But this is just my feelings about marriage.

So in closing, do what you feel is best and go with God.
 
w332

From what you stated, it seems like he just wants papers and you are the most convenient option.

Anyway, if anyone should be testing in this situation, it should be you. I wonder what he would say if you emailed him a list of demands about this whole situation. I would really like to know his response to that.
 
if you're going to marry him to get him citizenship(thats what he's trying to do), might as well get paid for it. send him an invoice.
 
I just can't see how marriage is an option with someone who tells you from jump they don't want to put all their eggs in your basket??? Isn't that what a marriage is? He has told you clearly what he is about. Listen.

Girl I understand its hard out here but being married is not worth being unhappily married. Spend sometime looking at what you really want out of life and love and stop wasting time entertaining this dude's nonsense.
 
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