He Wants Kids...

[Radianthealth]

Thanks for your opnions ladies. Him and I are meeting today to talk face to face on the matter where I do intend on ending things, not only because I am not ready to have children but moreso because he disrespected me the way he has by entertaining discussions with other possible baby mothers.

The most disturbing thing is these women are willing to procreate without demanding marriage. I guess there is someone for everyone, huh? . I really wanted this to work too. I'm just so hurt.

Yes I think this is your best option.

I know you are hurt but I hope you have the courage to do what is best for you and your future offspring in the long-term

If he is coming out the mouth with this kind of mess what kind of father and husband will he be...my guess is not a good one.

I wish you the best

 

[JustKiya]

Am I wrong to feel some sort of way about this?

Insulted, pissed, disgusted, horrified, baffled, shocked and stunned would all be good feelings to have. Feeling like kicking him in the arse on his way to the curb would also be sensible and valid emotions.
Hell yeah, you should feel somekindaway!!!

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Insulted, pissed, disgusted, horrified, baffled, shocked and stunned would all be good feelings to have. Feeling like kicking him in the arse on his way to the curb would also be sensible and valid emotions.
Hell yeah, you should feel somekindaway!!!

... all WHILE calling U-Haul and Public Storage would be the perfect way to feel.

 

[Rastafarai]

I understand this perfectly. BEFORE the fight, he was talking marriage and kids, in that order. Right after the fight all of a sudden he has a gaggle of women eagerly awaiting the chance to be his BM.

What you see before you is a man who is A.Terrified of losing you and B. Controlling. He wants you to be tied to him, he wants you to be forever his. The fact that you had this time apart shows that the relationship is not smooth sailing. Probably one of his stupid friends told him to get you pregnant. If you were knocked up you would be needy, insecure and vulnerable. And if you are begging him to marry you, who is holding all the cards? He is.

Yeah, he told me he doesn't have time to waste and for him its on to the next one if I can't give him what he wants.

ETA: these other women who want his baby are probably imaginary. He wants you to THINK there are 5011 women eager to be his woman so that you will get scared and cling tightly to him.

Nah girl. We had to end phone conversations for him to talk to another female who he supposedly had to "set things straight" with. He's definitely keeping his options open.

 

[Rastafarai]

Insulted, pissed, disgusted, horrified, baffled, shocked and stunned would all be good feelings to have. Feeling like kicking him in the arse on his way to the curb would also be sensible and valid emotions.
Hell yeah, you should feel somekindaway!!!

Thanks for that.

 

[qchelle]

How long have you been with him?

(I agree with everyone else)

 

[Hil84figer]

Am I wrong to feel some sort of way about this?

Nope. but this is NOT what love and commitment is all about.

 

[JustKiya]

He doesn't have time to waste to have kids, at TWENTYFIVE, mind you, but he has all the time in the world to marry the woman whose gonna be birthing these kids?! *blink* Negro, please!
If he had PROPOSED, and then said this bullcrap ( the kids now, not the other babymamas) I'd be MUCH more sympathetic. Hell, if he wanted a quick courthouse wedding and wanted to start TTC that night, AND could take care of a family, I'd be cool. But - can't take care of the kids he wants? Ain't willing to marry a woman before PURPOSEFULLY knocking her up?
How many times have I said hell no at this point? Shoot! I might even sympathize a LITTLE more if he was 45! Girl, no.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Girl, set him out on trash day.

And from now on, I want you to pop an extra birth control pill every time someone says his name.

Don't be surprised if you hear tiny voices from the direction of your ovaries saying "Thank you Mama!! He was no good for us!"

 

[rabs77]

**palm strike to forehead** This can not be life.

OP, Please tell me you know what the right thing to do is, and that you are just posting on the board for reassurance/confirmation. Are you actually TORN in your decision???

...and wants to start TTC as early as next month and as late as early next year. I was given an ultimatum too: have a child or he will find someone to have a child for him. He says he isn't the type to "wait around" and that he is already "talking" to individuals, one of whom he has dated in the past, about starting a family.

He tells me I am his #1 choice for who he wants to have his kids, but if I cannot and will not be willing to start within his timeline, he doesn't think it will work. He says he loves me.

A few specifics:

- He's 24 years of age and "doesn't want him and I to get too old" and not be able to have children. I am 25 years of age.

- He makes considerably less than I do and does not have the support structure in place to bring about any child. His response: "have faith in me...we will have 9 months to get things in order, emphasis on "we" (ie, falling on my own income to get things in place).


I am being asked to put my career plans on hold for his needs and his wants and quite frankly, I am in no position to start a family, especially outside a marriage. He says marriage will come and that I need to wait.

Am I wrong to feel some sort of way about this? He says he loves and cares and blah blah, but is treating me as an option. Is this what commitment and love is all about?

 

[Rastafarai]

How long have you been with him?

(I agree with everyone else)

Started dating in December 2009.

He doesn't have time to waste to have kids, at TWENTYFIVE, mind you, but he has all the time in the world to marry the woman whose gonna be birthing these kids?! *blink* Negro, please!
If he had PROPOSED, and then said this bullcrap ( the kids now, not the other babymamas) I'd be MUCH more sympathetic. Hell, if he wanted a quick courthouse wedding and wanted to start TTC that night, AND could take care of a family, I'd be cool. But - can't take care of the kids he wants? Ain't willing to marry a woman before PURPOSEFULLY knocking her up?
How many times have I said hell no at this point? Shoot! I might even sympathize a LITTLE more if he was 45! Girl, no.

His excuse for not marrying is because the money for marriage isn't in place and he doesn't want a courthouse wedding.

He says 9 months is enough time to get a place, a vehicle and find a second job to ensure he be a provider. He currently makes under 30k/year. I thought I saw ambition in the beginning but as it stands today he has no intention to return to school to advance himself. His priority is starting a family. Not school.

I also know I will not have the option to be a SAHM given his earning potential. The more I vent about this the more I realize how crazy this all sounds.

I'm thinking his relatives may have had an influence. Its status quo for the black men in his family to have more than one baby mama and/or marry after having children. I was also approached by a cousin of his who told me, directly, its time I start having kids for his relative.

I swear this is NOT a joke. They are from the Caribbean.

 

[SleekyHair]

What the hell???

I swear if you have this man's baby I will come find you and smack you myself!

Seriously though, cut your losses and get out while you can. This is not the kind of man you want to be tied to for life.

 

[Rastafarai]

**palm strike to forehead** This can not be life.

OP, Please tell me you know what the right thing to do is, and that you are just posting on the board for reassurance/confirmation. Are you actually TORN in your decision???

Not torn. I needed to vent and came here for confirmation.

 

[Mai Tai]

So there isn't really much more for me to say. There are enough "NEGRO PLEASE!" posts up in this thread.

So what is TTC?

 

[JustKiya]

Started dating in December 2009.



His excuse for not marrying is because the money for marriage isn't in place and he doesn't want a courthouse wedding.

He says 9 months is enough time to get a place, a vehicle and find a second job to ensure he be a provider. He currently makes under 30k/year. I thought I saw ambition in the beginning but as it stands today he has no intention to return to school to advance himself. His priority is starting a family. Not school.

I also know I will not have the option to be a SAHM given his earning potential. The more I vent about this the more I realize how crazy this all sounds.

I'm thinking his relatives may have had an influence. Its status quo for the black men in his family to have more than one baby mama and/or marry after having children. I was also approached by a cousin of his who told me, directly, its time I start having kids for his relative.

I swear this is NOT a joke. They are from the Caribbean.

Since when is a wedding more expensive than a CHILD? Heck, screw the child, pregnancy and birth is more expensive than a damn wedding!!!
Him and his whole family need to find some other foolish woman to birth his kids. Ze. Hell!!!
Girl, be glad he ain't try to pull a fast one and poke holes in the condom. 'need to start having kids for him' - whole damn family is on that stuff.

TTC = trying to conceive.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

TTC= trying to conceive.

SMDH. WOW.

For some reason I was confusing you with another poster about your age who was dating a college age white dude. Anyway. Watch him try to backpedal when you tell him you are done and will be pursuing a relationship with a marriage-minded man.

 

[Mai Tai]

Started dating in December 2009.



His excuse for not marrying is because the money for marriage isn't in place and he doesn't want a courthouse wedding.

He says 9 months is enough time to get a place, a vehicle and find a second job to ensure he be a provider. He currently makes under 30k/year. I thought I saw ambition in the beginning but as it stands today he has no intention to return to school to advance himself. His priority is starting a family. Not school.

I also know I will not have the option to be a SAHM given his earning potential. The more I vent about this the more I realize how crazy this all sounds.

I'm thinking his relatives may have had an influence. Its status quo for the black men in his family to have more than one baby mama and/or marry after having children. I was also approached by a cousin of his who told me, directly, its time I start having kids for his relative.

I swear this is NOT a joke. They are from the Caribbean.

Hole UP! He ain't got no car!

All I can do at this moment is ...------>----->----->

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

What the hell???

I swear if you have this man's baby I will come find you and smack you myself!

Seriously though, cut your losses and get out while you can. This is not the kind of man you want to be tied to for life.

Please come by and pick me up. I would smack her with a copy of "10 Stupid things women do to mess up their lives". If I remember correctly, this would be either number 8, 9, or 10.

 

[Shinka]

Matter of fact, tell him you'll do it if he talks to your daddy and he approves of this mess?

Negro aint even man enough to talk to your damn parents and want to have a baby. chile...you need to KIM

 

[rabs77]

Not torn. I needed to vent and came here for confirmation.

Good!
Despite the noise/drama etc on this board overall it provides a source of positivity and promotes self worth to women who may not hear/see/experience the message in their real lives. No woman should ever have to stand for what this young man is proposing, no one! Hopefully someone in your predicament who is not brave enough to post will see you thread and learn from it. Don't you feel insulted though at his proposal? What made him think it was even ok to say something like that? Honey,you need to raise your bar. I mean really-I wish a nicca would!

 

[Bunny77]

He says 9 months is enough time to get a place, a vehicle and find a second job to ensure he be a provider. He currently makes under 30k/year. I thought I saw ambition in the beginning but as it stands today he has no intention to return to school to advance himself. His priority is starting a family. Not school.

This is why I'm adamant about women dating on their level.

It's one thing for him to be making less because he's in school or preparing to enroll (like, he already registered), but even at 25, he should have had a plan in place. When I was 23, I was done with school and in my career already making more than him. I didn't expect that from a man of similar age, HOWEVER, he needed to at least be in school or working in his career field in an entry-level position with the possibility of moving up.

And in the rare case that he was an entrepreneur, he needed to have an actual business going and be working tirelessly to build it.

Oh, or military. But even military folks make more than that, right?

Other than that, no excuses for the way your guy was living.

I'm thinking his relatives may have had an influence. Its status quo for the black men in his family to have more than one baby mama and/or marry after having children. I was also approached by a cousin of his who told me, directly, its time I start having kids for his relative.

I swear this is NOT a joke. They are from the Caribbean.

Didn't want to stereotype, but I wondered if this was the case...

 

[kmn1980]

Call me old-fashioned but nobody needs to plan to have a kid out of wedlock.

This is a set up for you to end up raising a child alone because if he's already asking around to see who'll let him go in raw then he's not going to stay, child or no child.

Goodbye, sir.

 

[Curlybeauty]

2009



He really needs to go sit down somewhere. If he got a waiting line, they either don't exist, or they have been there all along.

*patiently waits for update*

 

[Goombay_Summer]

Started dating in December 2009.



His excuse for not marrying is because the money for marriage isn't in place and he doesn't want a courthouse wedding.

He says 9 months is enough time to get a place, a vehicle and find a second job to ensure he be a provider. He currently makes under 30k/year. I thought I saw ambition in the beginning but as it stands today he has no intention to return to school to advance himself. His priority is starting a family. Not school.

I also know I will not have the option to be a SAHM given his earning potential. The more I vent about this the more I realize how crazy this all sounds.

I'm thinking his relatives may have had an influence. Its status quo for the black men in his family to have more than one baby mama and/or marry after having children. I was also approached by a cousin of his who told me, directly, its time I start having kids for his relative.

I swear this is NOT a joke. They are from the Caribbean.

I'm from the Caribbean and I'm not having children out of wedlock. I have lots of friends and family members from virtually every quadrant of the Caribbean who have all married first and then had kids. Even my Great great grandparents were married before they started to procreate. Please do not drink the Kool aid/coconut water and think that we are all going around birthin' babies in our thatch huts while sipping " "insert tropical drink concoction of your choice'" from our cocnout shells without the benefit of marriage.

 

[kismettt]

i'm not even reading the comments (i already know what they will be).

but i will say for me....WHAT THE FUC....???????

the answer is hell no. get out. run away. this boy is SCARING ME.




really, really. no. option? no. not married or "wait it will come"? no. can't afford the kid? NOOOOOOOO.

 

[Whimsy]

Rastafarai!!!???

WTF are you even considering this guy for?!

OK. from what you've presented here, you have an unstable boy (yes, boy, not man) trying to pressure you into something you're not ready for, with no plan of action.

He is also telling you that you're not THE ONE he wants to do this with, you're one of the many people he is willing to go to for what he wants.

There should be no contemplation on this.

You're not ready for this baby, and neither is he. He doesn't even respect you enough to be willing to be with you and you alone until you're both ready for this next step.

KEEP IT MOVING

 

[ebonylocs]

Started dating in December 2009.


I'm thinking his relatives may have had an influence. Its status quo for the black men in his family to have more than one baby mama and/or marry after having children. I was also approached by a cousin of his who told me, directly, its time I start having kids for his relative.
I swear this is NOT a joke. They are from the Caribbean.

Oh, so the family has been talking to him. Dropping words in his ears. Asking him why he ain't breed yet.


Sweetie, you already know the answer to this question.

 

[Ms Red]

OP, based on the threads you previously made and/or contributed to, I am surprised that you are even in this situation.

We teach people how to treat us, and this guy disrespected you by even mentioning this nonsense. You are better than this...
Please do not allow him to waste any more of your precious time and look back on this situation with regret. Don't you know that you deserve better and that this 8 month TANgent is blocking potential blessings (I.e. A real man who actually
Loves you enough to be mature, responsible, consider your needs and opinions, propose to and Marry you!)

 

[TayMac]

Dont fall for the okie doke please.

 

[jem_mcmillan]

Run. Be grateful you do not have his kid and can walk away from this with no obligations. He wants you to give up everything but he is offering no sacrifices himself. It is YOUR body and YOUR decision when to start having kids. Do not let him manipulate you into this. The fact that he is already has backup wombs waiting should be enough for you to kick him to the curb. I can guarantee that after you have his kid there will be other ultimatums. Let alone you probably will end up providing most of the financial support for the child.