Update: I think I'm ready to leave him

[Evolving78]

P.S. He walked in while I was watching it and basically made fun of the fact that I was watching it. He doesn't know what it's about but he said, "What dumb a**, corny, angry black woman, man hating movie are you watching now?" I kinda wish he would watch it with me so he can see how our relationship is but knowing him he wouldn't get it and would either make fun of Wesley Snipes or take it too literally like, "I have a high school diploma so that isn't like me at all!" At least I saw it. Thanks for the link!

i've been there before. i could name all sorts of movies! the last one was Fireproof. the counseling didn't work, the books didn't work, the praying didn't work, watching movies didn't work, etc.... i realized i was trying to change somebody that didn't want to be changed. he was what he was. i cried, begged, pleaded, threatened, screamed, etc.. to get him to change and do better. it drained my spirit. i realized the only person i could change was me. so i backed off and stopped demanding and asking for stuff. i started focusing more on me and my children. the more i focused on him, the more resentful and bitter i became. i didn't want the for myself anymore.

like i said earlier, it's time for you to get quiet and get your plan together. you are not trapped. there is always a way out.

 

[Carrie A]

I hadn't read the whole background so I went back to review your old threads and OP I must say I'm confused. Things just don't add up.
You have a three month old so you conceived in Dec 2011?
You have been married 15 months which would make the wedding in August 2011
In the first thread you said you got pregnant before you got married.



You said you had a long distance relationship for a few years before he moved to NY.
You said during the time you were dating he was going through divorce.
So in the two years y'all were long distance was this like an emotional affair. He would have been married during this time.

In the first thread you said you reconnected last year.


He was your high school sweetheart but his mom and sister confirmed that he had a job since he was 15?

You make nearly six figures but had unpaid maternity leave and now you're behind on the rent and light bills.

I though you owned your home not renting.

You pined over this man for the past 15 years? Even that number is IDN

 

[MzLady78]

^^^ Aww damn.....

 

[Zaynab]

I hadn't read the whole background so I went back to review your old threads and OP I must say I'm confused. Things just don't add up.
You have a three month old so you conceived in Dec 2011?
You have been married 15 months which would make the wedding in August 2011
In the first thread you said you got pregnant before you got married.



You said you had a long distance relationship for a few years before he moved to NY.
You said during the time you were dating he was going through divorce.
So in the two years y'all were long distance was this like an emotional affair. He would have been married during this time.

In the first thread you said you reconnected last year.


He was your high school sweetheart but his mom and sister confirmed that he had a job since he was 15?

You make nearly six figures but had unpaid maternity leave and now you're behind on the rent and light bills.

I though you owned your home not renting.

You pined over this man for the past 15 years? Even that number is IDN

I think OP used poor judgement and left some stuff out--I was confused too BUT you know it's a moot point now. She needs to move on.

She just needs to put him out and bounce and stop trying to make excuses for him and fall for his crap.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Perfexion Read my update here from my thread Pigeons/Scrubs.....

I don't want to highjack your thread but your "quandry" so closely paralled my own till I had to update with the "sanitized" email convo. In my first post in your thread I tried to be encouraging; afterall this is your Husband. So now I'll just remain silent so I don't "throw shade". In the case in the linked thread; we were not married and I was trying to help him out..

Here: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?p=17452329&posted=1#post17452329

 

[Perfexion]

I hadn't read the whole background so I went back to review your old threads and OP I must say I'm confused. Things just don't add up.
You have a three month old so you conceived in Dec 2011?
You have been married 15 months which would make the wedding in August 2011
In the first thread you said you got pregnant before you got married.



You said you had a long distance relationship for a few years before he moved to NY.
You said during the time you were dating he was going through divorce.
So in the two years y'all were long distance was this like an emotional affair. He would have been married during this time.

In the first thread you said you reconnected last year.


He was your high school sweetheart but his mom and sister confirmed that he had a job since he was 15?

You make nearly six figures but had unpaid maternity leave and now you're behind on the rent and light bills.

I though you owned your home not renting.

You pined over this man for the past 15 years? Even that number is IDN

You're right. I did leave stuff out like I had a miscarriage first, I recently moved, and I switched departments within the same job so I was on probation which is why I didn't have paid maternity leave. Also we reconnected via Facebook a while ago but things got serious last year. I didn't think those things were relevant in terms of the big picture. It's a long complicated story. I was trying to stick to the big facts without posting a novel. I'm not trying to deceive anybody.

 

[Perfexion]

But he said you and the baby could sit in the dark. You can't care about him being homeless on the street and it's the dead of winter. That's just wrong on so many levels and it can't be an anger issue-him saying something hurtful yes I could see but that sounds like..IDK a man that doesn't GAF. The comments you posted hurt MY feelings for YOU, if that makes sense. But I appreciate your candor and if you read it back as if someone else was telling you, you'd agree.

I don't think he's going to man up. I honestly never feel sorry for a man on the streets because men IMO have it made in the world, when I see a man that's homeless or carless, I think he must really be sorry because men do not at all have the burdens we have, and they have the ability to go out and work 3-4 jobs, sleep in a car and get back up and do it all over again.

IF you let him stay there, get a plan together and get your heart out of it. I don't care, he would be out, if I had to change the locks. I know that's easier said than done. I think him getting a certification is going to work for him and not you. Good luck OP.

You're right.

 

[Carrie A]

You're right. I did leave stuff out like I had a miscarriage first, I recently moved, and I switched departments within the same job so I was on probation which is why I didn't have paid maternity leave. Also we reconnected via Facebook a while ago but things got serious last year. I didn't think those things were relevant in terms of the big picture. It's a long complicated story. I was trying to stick to the big facts without posting a novel. I'm not trying to deceive anybody.

No it's cool. Just that there are so many folks that have made up all kinds of stuff over the years it's crazy. I was hoping that this thread wasn't one of them.

Carry on.... and this guy sounds like a bum. He's not the high school sweetheart you left behind.

 

[hopeful]

I hadn't read the whole background so I went back to review your old threads and OP I must say I'm confused. Things just don't add up.
You have a three month old so you conceived in Dec 2011?
You have been married 15 months which would make the wedding in August 2011
In the first thread you said you got pregnant before you got married.



You said you had a long distance relationship for a few years before he moved to NY.
You said during the time you were dating he was going through divorce.
So in the two years y'all were long distance was this like an emotional affair. He would have been married during this time.

In the first thread you said you reconnected last year.


He was your high school sweetheart but his mom and sister confirmed that he had a job since he was 15?

You make nearly six figures but had unpaid maternity leave and now you're behind on the rent and light bills.

I though you owned your home not renting.

You pined over this man for the past 15 years? Even that number is IDN

Carrie A
Thanks for this. I kept saying something was being left out because I had read the previous threads and was confused. I was just too lazy to get to the bottom of things. Hope all works out for the OP.

 

[Perfexion]

No it's cool. Just that there are so many folks that have made up all kinds of stuff over the years it's crazy. I was hoping that this thread wasn't one of them.

Carry on.... and this guy sounds like a bum. He's not the high school sweetheart you left behind.

I understand that. But I guess if I did tell the whole story you would see why I'm kinda apprehensive to leave him completely. He was amazing to me during my pregnancy. He rubbed my feet and my back every single day. He had the bath tub ready for me to just hop in as soon as I came home from work. He did ALL the housework. I never lifted a finger around the house while I was pregnant. He made all of my food, or he brought me lunch at work. He went to every single appointment with me. We took all the childbirth and breastfeeding classes. He even took prenatal yoga with me. And my midwife is still impressed with how supportive he was while I was actually in labor. He's not 100% bad. He just has a really poor work ethic and he doesn't know how to be mad without being mean. He did say he didn't care if me and the baby were in the cold but then he paid the bill the next day. I don't want to seem ungrateful because you ladies have given me so much helpful advice. My decision to leave him has already been made. It's just going to be hard for me to take those first few steps out the door because it's not all bad, just mostly bad.

 

[Evolving78]

I understand that. But I guess if I did tell the whole story you would see why I'm kinda apprehensive to leave him completely. He was amazing to me during my pregnancy. He rubbed my feet and my back every single day. He had the bath tub ready for me to just hop in as soon as I came home from work. He did ALL the housework. I never lifted a finger around the house while I was pregnant. He made all of my food, or he brought me lunch at work. He went to every single appointment with me. We took all the childbirth and breastfeeding classes. He even took prenatal yoga with me. And my midwife is still impressed with how supportive he was while I was actually in labor. He's not 100% bad. He just has a really poor work ethic and he doesn't know how to be mad without being mean. He did say he didn't care if me and the baby were in the cold but then he paid the bill the next day. I don't want to seem ungrateful because you ladies have given me so much helpful advice. My decision to leave him has already been made. It's just going to be hard for me to take those first few steps out the door because it's not all bad, just mostly bad.

some men make great boyfriends but terrible husbands.

 

[Perfexion]

some men make great boyfriends but terrible husbands.

Yeah. I totally agree. My mistake was getting married.

 

[Evolving78]

Yeah. I totally agree. My mistake was getting married.

things change when you expect more and depend on them more. some men just want it to be all romance and fun. when it comes down to the realness of life, they can't seem to handle it. my ex was a great boyfriend. we had a good relationship. he was so into me and just wanted to put a smile on my face all of the time. but when the babies, bills, and responsibility came, he checked out.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I understand that. But I guess if I did tell the whole story you would see why I'm kinda apprehensive to leave him completely. He was amazing to me during my pregnancy. He rubbed my feet and my back every single day. He had the bath tub ready for me to just hop in as soon as I came home from work. He did ALL the housework. I never lifted a finger around the house while I was pregnant. He made all of my food, or he brought me lunch at work. He went to every single appointment with me. We took all the childbirth and breastfeeding classes. He even took prenatal yoga with me. And my midwife is still impressed with how supportive he was while I was actually in labor. He's not 100% bad. He just has a really poor work ethic and he doesn't know how to be mad without being mean. He did say he didn't care if me and the baby were in the cold but then he paid the bill the next day. I don't want to seem ungrateful because you ladies have given me so much helpful advice. My decision to leave him has already been made. It's just going to be hard for me to take those first few steps out the door because it's not all bad, just mostly bad.

Just for others that are reading this - your husband is suppossed to do those things when you are carrying his child. Those actions are not exchangeable in lieu of future security. You think if you told your midwife what he said about the lights she would say "oh but he was so nice during labor give him a pass?"

We get that you love this man but please see the situation for what it is. You are giving him extra credit when he hasn't completed his original assignment. (check you pm's).

 

[khadicurls]

OP, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I don't know you but my heart genuinely hurt for you. The ladies have and continue to give you great advice. I am taking their advice to heart as well because I have the potential to be in that type of situation but I need to think logically and take all emotions out of the situation. Thank you all for the advice you've given.

 

[MissJ]

I've tried to throw him out before, several times actually. I had the cops escort him out and everything. But he moved to this state to be with me so if I throw him out, he's homeless. I mean, he's a bum but I don't want him to literally be on the street. He can't just crash on a couch while he gets back on his feet. He doesn't know anyone here. I do still have feelings for him, even though I agree at this point that he is just dead weight in my life. I want him to man up, but I don't hate him. That's why I said it would be easier if I moved out because at least I have family in this state. I know I shouldn't, but I'd feel bad for bringing him to this state where he has no friends or family and then tossing him out, even if he does deserve it. I know I am the victim here but I don't want to be a heartless ***** about it either. He doesn't deserve to be with me but I don't know if homelessness is a proper punishment.

He didn't move to live with you! He moved to live off you! You shouldn't feel guilty about anything. I'm agree with the other ladies that he needs to go.

 

[Mai Tai]

I've tried to throw him out before, several times actually. I had the cops escort him out and everything. But he moved to this state to be with me so if I throw him out, he's homeless. I mean, he's a bum but I don't want him to literally be on the street. He can't just crash on a couch while he gets back on his feet. He doesn't know anyone here. I do still have feelings for him, even though I agree at this point that he is just dead weight in my life. I want him to man up, but I don't hate him. That's why I said it would be easier if I moved out because at least I have family in this state. I know I shouldn't, but I'd feel bad for bringing him to this state where he has no friends or family and then tossing him out, even if he does deserve it. I know I am the victim here but I don't want to be a heartless ***** about it either. He doesn't deserve to be with me but I don't know if homelessness is a proper punishment.

Perfexion ...

Please don't be mad at me but I just don't understand this mind set AT ALL. This "man" is willing to let you and your infant sit in a cold dark house yet you are extra concerned about where he lays his head?

You are running yourself into the ground for what? You are putting your guilt and your nostalgia in front of the well being of your child and it's sad.

I've been engaged before and my ex relocated to Texas shortly after I did for the sole purpose of us being together. Neithe one of us had family here and when I was done and fed up, I still kicked him out. Yeah he could have ended up homeless but once I told him to leave, that became his problem...not mine and guess what. He found someplace to live.

I know marriage is different, and you all have a child together but you can not save this man nor change him. I mean...I just can't...

 

[MzLady78]

Just for others that are reading this - your husband is suppossed to do those things when you are carrying his child. Those actions are not exchangeable in lieu of future security. You think if you told your midwife what he said about the lights she would say "oh but he was so nice during labor give him a pass?"

We get that you love this man but please see the situation for what it is. You are giving him extra credit when he hasn't completed his original assignment. (check you pm's).

Love it!

 

[Oneprettypa]

Just for others that are reading this - your husband is suppossed to do those things when you are carrying his child. Those actions are not exchangeable in lieu of future security. You think if you told your midwife what he said about the lights she would say "oh but he was so nice during labor give him a pass?"

We get that you love this man but please see the situation for what it is. You are giving him extra credit when he hasn't completed his original assignment. (check you pm's).

^^^^^^ THIS!!!!? I was about to say this almost verbatim. Honey that is super sweet but you don't get accolades and special treatment for doing what you are SUPPOSED to do as a man and husband! I think we all agree that you love him and he's not ALL bad bc if he were you wouldn't have married him, however if your decision is made to leave him then do just that. I'm a proponent of staying married and working through but again, I am a proponent of knowing self worth and not supporting a lazy man!!! That's not even biblical! Anyhoo.. All that to say DON'T BE AN ENABLER!!! Don't make this easy on him to avoid being a b!tch. He'll probably think that anyway! (Just being honest)

 

[deltagyrl]

Oh, this is worse than I thought.
OP, I hope this all works out in your favor.

 

[caltron]

Just for others that are reading this - your husband is suppossed to do those things when you are carrying his child. Those actions are not exchangeable in lieu of future security. You think if you told your midwife what he said about the lights she would say "oh but he was so nice during labor give him a pass?"

We get that you love this man but please see the situation for what it is. You are giving him extra credit when he hasn't completed his original assignment. (check you pm's).

ITA.

Also please know that guys like these are master manipulators. They know exactly what most women's fantasy men are and they are very skilled at making themselves appear to be that ideal fantasy man. They are also good at figuring out areas where you are lacking emotionally and filling those needs.

They do this early on so that the woman falls in love with them. By the time their true colors come out, the woman is so hopelessly in love that she is willing to overlook all his shortcomings. This is how intelligent, attractive, successful women wind up with losers.

I really don't think you are in love with your hubby. What you are in love with is the illusion that he created for you early on in your relationship that he was this wonderful, caring, sensitive man. The outside world sees your hubby for the bum that he is, but you are still pining away for a man who never existed in the first place.

One of the problems for women is that we think with our hearts and not our heads. In order for us to have fulfilling relationships, we have to be able to look at our mates objectively. When we do this, we are often criticized by other women who might see this kind of objectivity as being cold, or a golddigger, etc, but it's really all about self preservation.

 

[CocoBunny]

some men make great boyfriends but terrible husbands.

That is a whole nother thread. Yes x 10,000

 

[Kindheart]

ITA.

Also please know that guys like these are master manipulators. They know exactly what most women's fantasy men are and they are very skilled at making themselves appear to be that ideal fantasy man. They are also good at figuring out areas where you are lacking emotionally and filling those needs.

They do this early on so that the woman falls in love with them. By the time their true colors come out, the woman is so hopelessly in love that she is willing to overlook all his shortcomings. This is how intelligent, attractive, successful women wind up with losers.

I really don't think you are in love with your hubby. What you are in love with is the illusion that he created for you early on in your relationship that he was this wonderful, caring, sensitive man. The outside world sees your hubby for the bum that he is, but you are still pining away for a man who never existed in the first place.

One of the problems for women is that we think with our hearts and not our heads. In order for us to have fulfilling relationships, we have to be able to look at our mates objectively. When we do this, we are often criticized by other women who might see this kind of objectivity as being cold, or a golddigger, etc, but it's really all about self preservation.

Very well said ,spot on sis!

 

[ambergirl]

Wow...

OP I know you were trying to keep it brief but hmmmm....having the cops throw your husband out....yeah that's important information. And unless I missed it still don't know why you did that.

I get the sense that you're embarrassed about your decision to marry this guy which is why the info is coming in dribble drabbles. Don't be. We all get caught up and make bad choices for ourselves. Own it and then take action to rectify it.

Because to me, when you have to call the cops to escort your husband out of the house it is already over. You just need to do what you need to do to end it.

 

[DancingAlison]

Idk if you believe in God but if you do PRAY on your marriage!!!! Take all your questions and concerns to HIM! He will guide you. As for my flesh opinion, if you want your family and you still have fight in you, then fight for your family. Try taking your emotions out of this and talk to him with skillful communication. Men don't respond to emotions they respond better to facts. Talk to him objectively and make him feel like he is coming up with solutions to the issues when you are really guiding him to the common sense factor of these matters. I pray this affirms you and thing turn around for the better. Perhaps you need to mentally take a break and visit your moms and clear your thoughts, pray and return with a hopeful nature. He is clearly going through something but in marriage it's not that simple. You can't just bail without exhausted all possibilities...

 

[Evolving78]

Wow...

OP I know you were trying to keep it brief but hmmmm....having the cops throw your husband out....yeah that's important information. And unless I missed it still don't know why you did that.

I get the sense that you're embarrassed about your decision to marry this guy which is why the info is coming in dribble drabbles. Don't be. We all get caught up and make bad choices for ourselves. Own it and then take action to rectify it.

Because to me, when you have to call the cops to escort your husband out of the house it is already over. You just need to do what you need to do to end it.

i won't say it's over if you have to get cops involved. the reason is why was the cops needed ? was he hitting her or threatening her life?

 

[Zaynab]

Idk if you believe in God but if you do PRAY on your marriage!!!! Take all your questions and concerns to HIM! He will guide you. As for my flesh opinion, if you want your family and you still have fight in you, then fight for your family. Try taking your emotions out of this and talk to him with skillful communication. Men don't respond to emotions they respond better to facts. Talk to him objectively and make him feel like he is coming up with solutions to the issues when you are really guiding him to the common sense factor of these matters. I pray this affirms you and thing turn around for the better. Perhaps you need to mentally take a break and visit your moms and clear your thoughts, pray and return with a hopeful nature. He is clearly going through something but in marriage it's not that simple. You can't just bail without exhausted all possibilities...

I want to say something to this post but nevermind

 

[barbiesocialite]

this ish is crazy.

 

[barbiesocialite]

praying ain't gonna do ish. she needs a divorce.

 

[HanaKuroi]

I want to say something to this post but nevermind

I do too and I am a Christian. Unless the OP and her husband are also Christian, this may not be the best response.

I also do not believe you should stay in a bad marriage. Especially if one person is unwilling to change.

The op also didn't post this in the Christian section.

Eta: Zuleika I don't mean you response. I agree with your response. I was referring to dancing stallion/unicorn telling her to pray in the rest of my post.